It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
Im 16, and i'm not really sure if my mum is 'emotionally abusive' or not, but i know she has been verbally abusive towards me numerous times. The earliest i know is when i was around 5, she used to lock me out of the house at night in the backyard for whatever reason (i can't remember, i was always the quiet one in the family, perhaps she did so because she couldn't stand how 'dumb' i was) . She did this a lot. As i grew older, she'd just always put her anger on me. One time when i was 12, she started kicking me while i was cleaning the dishes in the kitchen and her reason for it was "it's your fault your brother left those dishes in his room", then she locked me out of the apartment past midnight. I was always so confused, and though i still said sorry, i was able to realise that it wasn't really my fault, obviously. Her reasons didn't make any sense to me. She only got so mad at me, never really at my two older brothers. Anyways, these things would continue to happen but it was only that one time she kicked me that much. When she gets mad (mostly triggered by her being stressed out/tired) she would insult me and say she wishes i was never born, that i'm just trash, idiotic and useless/valueless and that i should just disappear and die. She'd always have a new thing to say depending on my situation. Like when she found out i cut, whenever she would yell at me, she'd always say something like "oh where are you gonna cut tonight? go cut yourself". Sometimes when she's really mad, she'd scratch me, hit me, pull my air, grab my arm, push me against the wall, etc. It's always very hard for me, because she's so unpredictable and she can be so nice sometimes.
Please chat with a HopeCoach. We can help you with your situation. What your step-dad is doing is so wrong. Sounds like you have a burden to stand up for your siblings and your mum, so that they won't have to be abused anymore. Here is the link to chat - https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/ We are here to help.
I'm 20 years old my mom is always calling me horrible names like stupid and she tells me she wishes I wasn't born or wishes I died when I was born today she told me that I was the stupidest person she knows in her life and she never ever lets me have any freedom last year was the only time I didn't care that I betrayed her and didn't come home til 12 but since I got pregnant I'm 7 months by the way she says I'm mental and she says I need to be put in a hospital and she threatens to tell the doctors things that will have my daughter taken from me she doesn't like my boyfriend so whatever he does wrong I get the blame and she tells him he's a deadbeat and a liar ... I've been mentally abused for 8 years I haven't been physically since I was 8 to 12 years old I've gotten slaps to the face here and there since I was 13 to 20 none recently but I feel scared and unsafe with all the threats I can't even move out cause she says I'm too stupid and there are medications I need I can't get those on my own sad to say someone please help me i have no one to talk to at all about anything I lost my friends and I'm just really scared help!!
I am 17 years old. I'm not going to sit here and make out that my life has its perks because it doesn't and its shit. Ever since my mum and dad broke up when I was min my life turned from good to your worst nightmare. The day after my dad moved out my mums new bloke moved in, he's 11 years older then my mum and is an egotistical prick. At first it was alright I guess, you know get told off when you've done something naughty is fair enough. But then a year into my mums new relation ship things stated to change. If either me or my younger brother did anything bad we would get shouted at and we would get called every name under the sun. The subject wouldn't be dropped, for days after every time we were in the same room as him we'd get called names. But it didn't end there. The first time he hit any of us was my brother. My brother has adhd, autism and aspurgus syndrome which means he doesn't understand a lot of things like normal kids do, anyway my brother said something he didn't like so my stepdad punched him in the arm. The hitting didn't stop after that. At the time when he and my mum got together my little sister was only three years old so he didn't really do much about her. But now that she is 10, she gets the abuse as well. Maybe more then my brother and I. I do not speak to my stepdad at all, not if I can help it that is. Unlike my younger sister I can go out I have that's freedom, which I use profusely. I will leave the house at 9am and not return until night time and I go straight to my room. During that time my sister is left with him, I have voice recorded over the last year every argument and every abusive thing he has done so I can make a case against him. He has a 6 year old daughter with my mum who he would never lay a finger in because she's his kid. He favours her over everything even my mother. If she says something like 'oh she did this' we get the abuse. He doesn't question her or find out the actual story he just starts. He has begun hitting my mum and mentally abusing her. My mum had tried to take her own life 3 times now, not to mention the fact that she was battling cervical cancer 2 years ago, but he continues to abuse her. I myself have attempted to take my life because of his abuse and my mental stability, like my mum I have depression and bipolar disorder and on top of that I have adhd and Tourette's syndrome which causes me to have twitches that I can control. But I am tiered of being scared of him, tiered of watching him push around my mum and my younger brother and sister, this time I have the evidence to get him locked up for what he is doing. We have told social services before about him and the abuse but we have always been shut down and my mother said we werenlying because she was scared or that he made my younger siblings tell them they were lying. But not this Time. I am fed up of being pushed around all the time and I will make him pay for the day he even stepped into my life and decided that he could do whatever the hell he wanted!
Hi. My name is Hanna and I'm 17 years old. I have depression and anxiety, but my dad thinks I'm over reacting. My dad gets mad and can't really control what he says. I'm not very confident at all dew to past issues with being bullied, so I'll wear wigs and things to try and help but.. my dad gets mad because he likes my hair and he starts yelling at me for waisting my money and calling me weird, dumb, pathetic, ect. Then when I tell him later on he said those things, he doesn't believe me. He's in a lot of pain because of feet issues, and I feel traded. I don't know what to do and I'm loosing hope...