What is Emotional Abuse?

It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.

What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?

Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:

  • Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
  • Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
  • Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
  • Yelling, threatening, or bullying
  • Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
  • Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused

Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse

This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.

Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.

Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.

Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?

Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:

  • The abuser has a history of physical abuse
  • They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
  • If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
  • How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?

It's Not Your Fault!

You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.

Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is. 

The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.

Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice.  There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.

How to Recover From Emotional Abuse

Stay Safe - Get Help

If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.

If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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357 comments on “What is Emotional Abuse?”

  1. Im 15, I live in a hotel.... Its hard on all of us... But my mom is the only one I fear. I have started recording her emotional/verbal abusing me.... She has no idea.... When my grades start to slip,she gets mad and yells at me.... Now she has my dad doing it too. It hurts me cause I used to be close to my dad alot now we are slipping away. Me and my mom have always been apart...she also calls me fat and says "you need to loose weight".... What should I do??? Im scared for my future,im starting to doubt having kids in the future cause im afraid I might abuse them too. Im also doubting my future as a WWE diva and a Singer cause she says "youll never make it" and every time i talk or try to talk about it... She says "i have no faith in your choice of career." that hurts cause i have been dreaming about being a wwe diva since I was 8 or 9....

    1. Elenore, let me just say that no dream is too big for you to accomplish. You can do anything you set your mind to. Follow your dream, follow that passion and don't let your mother or father tear it down. And the fact that you're seeking advice and help here means that you're taking a big step on not becoming what your parents are. Your mother can't see the brilliant person you are, and your father needs to not let your mother be so controlling of everything especially his own actions. If he was so close to you then obviously your mother is playing a controlling role. You need to seek some help from another adult, or use the resources on the hope line website. You are not alone, and also be proud of your body. Be proud of who you are.

  2. I'm 16. My mother is almost always screaming at someone. She's physically abused my sisters on multiple occasions however that hasn't happened in a long time (I was about 6-7 when the last time happened). Whenever she yells at someone I start having a panic attack, which cause me to either become irritable, violent, or extremely scared for my siblings' life or well being (and sometimes my own). When I'm having them I either get extremely bold and confront my mother usually trying to be as calm as possible. Most often however my fight or flight response activates and I run away before I can hurt someone. She's done this today already and she hit my sister. I'm not sure if it was a bad hit or if my sister is blowing it out of proportion. She's been crying for about 30 minutes now and I don't know what to do. My Insticts are telling me to run away but I honestly want to Sock my own mother (which sounds bad and I'm not going to). I don't understand how anyone could could treat another human being the way she does (especially her own children). This sort of thing has been happening for years now and because of it I've developed severe long term depression and an anxiety disorder (I also show signs of having bipolar disorder and PTSD) my sisters all show the same symptoms as I and my little brother (who is 9 years old and mentally and physically disabled) shows signs of PTSD. I don't know if I should call someone like the police or something and I honestly don't know how much longer I can deal with this before I seriously injure someone or myself. I feel like I should get us out of this situation but I don't know what will happen. I don't want us being separated or going into foster care (for some of us a second time). If my mother is not here there won't be anyone to take care of us (even though she does it poorly but my siblings' need rides to school). My stepfather is great but he lets stuff like this happen constantly ( he's the source of financial income in my family soooooo) I honestly don't know what to do. I go to a counselor however it will be a long time before I go back. I'll probably tell him but idk what he'll do. I have a roof over my head and food to eat (even though I refrain from eating as much as I can because I'm overweight and I'll get yelled at for eating the "wrong" thing). My stepfather is pretty caring and kind but of we ask for something or to do something he'll put it on my mom who won't do it. I only ever feel happy at school so summer break is a living he** for me. I feel so uncomfortable anywhere but school; however I strongly dislike most of the people there (and I'll get really nervous or jittery a few times a day at school). Grades have never been an issue for me. I make almost all A's every year and I've been getting letters and E-mails from colleges for two years now. And I'm excited to move out when I'm older. Thanks for listening (rather reading).

    1. Our lives are so alike, in some ways at least. My mom dont physically abuse me, but she does verbally and emotionally. I have a little brother and he has to put up with it too. My stepdad, well, he favors me more than my brother, but he can still be a butt sometimes,especially to him. I do great in school and i cant wait to move out and go to a good college. And i cant see my counselor either anytime soon, she quit back in february, but shes starting back soon. I just want to let you know everything will end up being okay. If it gets worse, let someone know. Dont panic over it, i do, and its awful, but you dont need all this stress on your shoulders. And just think, 2 more years and you can get as far away as possible from her! You can also try to get your siblings away from it too. If it gets worse, or she hits you are one of your siblings severly bad, please just let someone know. i know youre probably scared to call the police because youre either scared youll get hurt or you dont have the nerve to do that to your mother, ive felt that way before. But if it gets unbearable, let someone know. Like i said, you shouldnt have to be stressing over all this, you need to make sure to focus on your education. x

  3. I'm 13 years old. Every since I was ten, my mom has been really focused on my grades. I know she loves me, but whenever she sees a grade that she doesn't like, she gets really angry and calls me things like a failure, or says that I'm unable to achieve anything in life. Then she's always fighting and yelling at my little brother and I feel like I'm the reason that these things always happen. When my grades started to slip, she got really angry at me. She told me that I didn't care. But in reality, I actually did. When I told her, she says that I can't prove that u care because I'm not panicking. My mom is also homophobic, and it doesn't help the fact that I'm gay. She consistently denies my sexuality and says that I shouldn't be supporting these people. When I came out to her, she sent me to a therapist to fix me.

    1. hey sophia, i would like to say that your mother is wrong for what she says to you. You are not a failure, and it's clear that you obviously care about your grades maybe even more so then she does. But let me say that nothing is your fault. The yelling and fighting is not your fault. She needs to accept the fact that you're not perfect, you're human and she needs to accept the fact that you try your hardest. As for the whole homophobic issue, there are many parents who don't accept you for the sexualities you prefer, but just because they don't doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. The fact that she sent you to a therapist, means that she believes you have an issue. But you do not have an issue what so ever. And you're not alone on these issues. You can believe in who you are and who love. If the yelling gets too much out of hand and she further goes up a level, seek professional help. And consult a school counselor or the resources on the hope line website. Even if support is not in your very household, there's always support out of it.

  4. I'm 13. My home life is decent. I have food, water, and shelter, but my father is always threatening me telling me he's going to give me two black eyes or punch me in the face and sometimes he does harm me like one time he beat me with a belt for mins straight all over the body then spit in my face, another time he choked me, and there's more stuff then just that. He also tells me he doesn't love me and he doesn't love me and that he hope I go to Juvey because ever sin the sixth grade i've been finding myself getting into trouble and I really messed up this time I have WELL over 45 felonies some federal offenses racked up and this isn't my first time going to court either, so I probably will. Also my mom, the nicest person ever recently had a stroke due to meth and has to go have a surgery not to far in the future that she could possibly die from. I don't know what to do I get so mad sometimes just thinking about him that I black out and when I confront him he just calls me a sissy and threatens me and says "So you think your hard?" I feel like my head is going to explode. The only time my father is nice is when he is high and or drunk. Also my parents fight all the time at least once a month (usually due to alchohal) and they always drag me into it making me pick sides and my dad usually harms my mom when they fight.My whole life my dad has made anywhere from $20,000-$30,000 a year, but recently my dad got a carear making $700.00 a week which didn't make anything better considering we still have to catch up on all the bills and he's even worse because his job is awful so just is way worse especially when I get in trouble. Also now he doesn't trust me (anymore then he did) because recently I stole his car and ran away. Also my dad says that i'm retarted and stupid. I know sometimes parents say that sometimes when they're mad, but he actually genuenly believes i'm stupid. For example Dad: Are you retarted? Me: No. Dad: Well I think you are. Maybe we should take you to the hospital or something. We have this conversation pretty much daily. Anyone know what I should do?

    1. Hi Brandon, first off let me say that you're not to blame for anything. You are not stupi.d You not retarded, and by reaching out to seek advice and help makes you a brilliant child. Allow me to state that, you're father is abusive and you need to seek help with getting out of this situation you tend to find yourself in. You are also getting into trouble a lot, well that could be because of the fact that your father is not the best role model in your life, and it could be because of the abuse that you are finding some ways to seek some form of attention thats not from your father. Attention from others, maybe the adrenaline you get from doing bad things could also be a reason. It may or may not be true, however this can not continue and needs to be handled. You need to speak another adult about all of this and get professional help. You are not alone on this matter and the hope line is here to offer the best resources they can. Take care of yourself. As for your mother she also needs to get away from your father, and is she addicted to alcohol or drugs? If so there are programs to help her get out of those habits. Take care Brandon

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