It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
You are right - weight does not count as beauty. You are a beautiful and special, always remember that. I am sure what you are going through is difficult and if it makes a difference I am really very sorry. I will pray that things get better for you. And if things go to far, dont be afraid to tell someone.
Hello. I'm 14 years old and I don't know what to do when my parents fight. My stepdad always yells at my mom for every little thing she does wrong by accidents like opening the fridge right when he is about to walk through or using the sink when he needs to use it too. He is nearly 300 pounds now and that's why he has a hard time doing stuff. He knows he has anger issues and he even went to the doctor himself years ago and asked for pills. But I don't know if it's working. He threatens my mom to leave the house every time he gets mad. And he knows too that if my mom leaves, my sister and I both leave with her. I feel like he takes his anger out on my mom because he knows she doesn't do anything about it-unless we wanna leave. Just like today, he got my mom a new purse, he asked if she likes it, and said it was alright she can use it. But he got all mad cuz she didn't say directly if she liked it or not so he asked me and I know what she's thinking..she doesn't like it. So I told him no she doesn't really like it. And he said "well of course u don't cuz I bought it for you, but if your brothers or your mom bought it for you, you'd love it". He wants us to tell him the truth but when we do, he finds some random answer to make us look like the bad guys. Of course my stepdad has some good side to him too like how he tries to joke with me, takes us out to eat, but even so, we have to think about what we say/do or else he can start something bad again. My stepdad likes to complain about my mom or my older sister to me but I don't know what is hold do or say. Because I know he wants me to take his side but if I don't agree with it, I don't want to just lie to save myself and make my mom and sister look bad. He started telling me these bad qualities of my mom since I was 6 and you know your not suppose to talk about that stuff to your child.. 🙁 There are more and more problems I can just type here every single day but those are main problems for me. Please help. I don't know what to do,I just feel bad and sometimes guilty because I can't do anything about it to help both my mom and my dad. All I can do is just type my problems on the internet hoping to find some answers.
I recently turned 15. My mom always makes me feel absolutely worthless. She gets upset that I can't live up to her academic standards and tells me that I'm not good enough. When she gets mad, she tells me that if she were my ex-boyfriend, she would've left me too. She tells me that she's not mad, but can't trust me because she's created a monster. I have cuts on my thighs from every time I felt like I wasn't supposed to be born. In total, I have 279 scars on both of my thighs. I don't know if I deserve to feel like this, or if I'm in a verbally abusive situation. I know that she tries so hard to be both the mom and the dad of the family, because my dad left when I was very young. And I also know that I'm flawed, but I do my best to make her and everyone happy. Am I supposed to feel like my world is tumbling down?
Grace, girl please don't harm yourself. Nothing is your fault. You are not to blame. And you are not worthless. Everyone can't always follow someone else's standards, because that's not them. You do not have to sink so low to the point of harming yourself. The Self harming needs to end immediately. All it is doing is burying your emotions deep under your skin, and once buried it will trace back to your heart, where all your negative emotions will stir and rise. You are in a verbally abusive situation and you need to talk to an adult about this, perhaps a counselor at your school. Or find your neighborhood church and speak to a priest or another person there. There are also many resources on the hope line website, you can use. And you don't have to strain yourself to make everyone happy. You have done your best, and thats good enough. Not everyone will be happy with some of things you do in life. But you do not have to please everyone especially to the point where you feel completely down. Your life is worth more than life. You were born onto this earth for a reason, so never think that you shouldn't have been born, because your life is precious and you deserve to feel as though you are better than what everyone else sees. You are a human with endless possibilities. Don't give up on yourself, you are good enough, and you are worth it.
Sweetie, if you need to talk to someone I'm here okay? I understand what you're going through.
I'm 24 and I've lived with an abusive Grandmother almost my whole life. I tried reaching out to people but I am scared for my safety now and I've tried standing my ground but due to a car accident, my chances are slim in keeping myself safe. I just want someone to know that despite me being scared of getting hit by my uncle, if Grandma is that hellbent on kicking me out of the house, I just wanted to let someone know that it happened, it's real and I have no faith in anyone for helping me. It's been so long now like this that I seriously don't think anyone will come to my aid. Everyone believes them and I don't think that even the authorities will come and believe me. They'll just think that Grandma is being abused instead.... I hardly eat... I don't have a choice, really. Uncle has told me that he buys the food so suddenly and with those glares he keeps throwing my way, I don't want my things to be thrown out or get broken. They are gifts. They shouldn't have a right to do these things but they'll get away with it and throw me out. I just wanted someone to know that this moment in my life exist...
I'm 20.Ever since I was a child I never felt that motherly love.She has never told me that she loves me when once.A day doesn't go by where she doesn't call me names (I'm heartless,stupid etc)nothing that I do makes her happy.I really do feel like I'm a basturd child.even now she just got from church I stood up and head to her room to ask her how was church she gave me an attitude and responded with no interest and walked out on me.She then started saying horrible things saying I'm a silent killer,I should move out of the house and told my siblings that I'm useless and they shouldn't be like me.I really can't take it anymore!!!