It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
This is terribly abusive for both you and your precious child. Please chat with a HopeCoach on thehopeline. We can connect you with resources and help you think through ideas for getting you and your child out of this horrible situation. https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
So is it normal for my mom to attack everything that she knows I love/want the most? She tells me that she wants to send me to my father, only to spite me because she knows I don't want to go live with him. She tries to hurt me and I don't know if it's verbal abuse or if she's just psychologically impaired..
Hi, I am 13, in not sure if this is considered abuse or not but my father and mother are currently seperated and on the verge of a divorce. My father has always been a jerk to me since I was little and he has had his ups and downs, he is constantly yelling at my mother for his mistakes and since I was little he would call me fat, he would yell at me when I was younger, around 9 for not getting him the right tool when he was working on something out in the barn, I have had to go to his hose every other weekend ever since he kicked my mom out of the house making me and my older sister go to around 2 years ago. but his house is nasty. There's is cat puke and dog pee everywhere not to mention the basement where there is about a one foot pathway through all of his junk and guns that are not locked up he has a room in the basement that used to be a sauna but is now filled to the brim with porn there are over 6 3X2 foot plastic boxes full of pornographic videos when I was younger he had called me his slave because he would stand there and watch us do everything for him while he would be on his computer he has never hit me. How ever I was to the point of suicide when I was around 9 because of how much he would yell at me and cuss at me and more, today he was at my moms house because we had friends over from Egypt and in the kitchen he was yelling at mother who is helpless so I went in the kitchen and told him to stop but he wouldn't then later I tried to talk to him and he turned and started walking away so I grabbed his shoulder and said u are always say how u never get to talk to me then when I try to talk to u u turn and walk away, that's kinda rude so he yrlled your being rude at me turned around and said I'm showing you the Egyptian way then walked outside, this was all in front of our friends from Egypt. When ever I go over to his house I am put to work even though I don't want to. I am tired of dealing with him and I have prayed that he would go away but I don't k ow what to do anymore.
Hi Alex Duke, I am not sure if anyone has replied to you in the month that you wrote this but I felt compelled to do so. An answer to your question is YES, this is abuse! Verbal abuse, emotional abuse and phsycologicical abuse. You do not need this! You came to this site for a reason, I hope you will find the strength within you to make some changes. First of all, you are 13 and have to see him every other weekend. Call the authorities, anonymously and report the filth, the pornography and the guns that are not locked up. This should be enough to get the visitation agreement altered. He will have to comply with cleaning up his mess as he will not have a choice. He overly enjoys being authoritative with women and children, so let's see how he responds to authorities making him comply with health and safety laws. Verbal abuse is hard to prove so you have an advantage with the animal filth in the house, pornography and guns not kept locked up when children are present. If you are concerned about retaliation, then you can just report the animal filth, as any neighbor may have smelled it??? and leave it at that. The rest will be found out in time. Start with CPS, child protective services or the health department for guidance. Explain your situation and let them know you need to remain anonymous. They will honor that because they have to, one reason is because you are a minor and they have to protect you at all costs. It is their job to do so and they are good at it. Explain everything to them and let them take the proper actions. He will then be on their radar for a follow up, and he will have to chancge some of his ways. If he doesn't he will face consequences. Good luck. You do not have to put up with this. No human, parent or not, has a right to mistreat another human! Period.
My father has always controlled me. His way of doing that is by guilt tripping me. Saying things like "you don't love your father anymore" or " poor papa going alone again no one loves him". He guilt trips me into joining him to go to his friend's house, I just stay in the car everytime, and he guilt trips me into doing things for him. When I'm mad at him instead of saying sorry he just says, "Stop being angry at me", I feel like he's abusing his power over me and it makes me sad because no one in my family wants to tell him everything wrong with his parenting. And whenever he's angry he cusses, screams and says things like "you children are worhtless! All you two care about are yourselves." Or if we don't follow his orders like washing the dishes then he'll say things like "Do I have to do everything in this house!" This statement really gets me everytime, he never lifts a finger in the house always bossing us to do even the simplest jobs. My father will never learn from his mistakes. But I will in his stead . I'll know how to treat my child that won't lower his/her self esteem and I'll treat my child as if he/she is the most precious thing in the world to me.
I'm 27 living with my 83 yr old grandma. I'm out of work. I fill out applications ever day. Mind you she can cook clean just about anything by herself. She does have accidents though. She tells me I should be raped and murdered. That my 7 yr old should be raped and murdered. That she should have drowned my mother as a baby so I wouldn't exist. Tells me to go sell drugs. I'm in Philly. Every heat wave I'm locked out of the home. She doesn't let me cook so my food goes bad. I have to go eat with the homeless in my neighborhood. She doesn't let me shower or bath. Tells me to leave bathroom door open so she can watch what I'm doing. Every now and then she pushes me and then starts screaming she calling cops. My child witnesses all of this mind you. Today we had no food she ordered and ate right in front of us. She says she hopes someone shoots me while I'm walking. I'm worthless the world is better without me. She locks me in key in key out and when I have to leave tells me to drop dead. I even over heard her say she was going to poison us with rat poison. That's just some of the stuff that happens. I've been in and out of hospital all summer from dehydration and just plain being in heat. Mist of the heat waves at night will not allow me to have a fan. While she has a big metal fan that's used for pizza parlors. She locks her 8 month old chihuahua in a cage most days. He hides when she goes in kitchen when he is aloud out of cage. He stays in kitchen. He has a fan. When she does allow me to cook. She watches you like a hawk and says you fat mfer. All you do is eat. I hope you choke and die. I actually go days without eating so I don't have to be near her. When she let's me back in home. I'm only allowed in front bedroom. Stuck in a room. Tells me to go bury myself with my mother who died when I was 15 and in this room. My mom is cremated in her back room. She knows I suffer from depression and anxiety and I am a recovering addict. When I say are you trying to get me to get high or kill myself she smirks and says Idc what you do get out my face. Tells neighbors I get do drugs. Which I don't. She has me tempted to though.