Two years ago my best friend was killed in a car accident. He wasn't just my best friend...he could have possibly been my soul mate. And I haven't accepted his death, so my head is still stuck in 2013 rather than 2015. I was in too much shock to take it all in and now I am, slowly starting to notice that he isn't going to be coming home anytime soon.
I was trying to write something , anything and all I could think of was how much I missed him. My depression has kicked into high gear and I just was looking for someone, other than people who know me to hear my story with no judgment and I found this site and signed up and decided to give it a try, to give me some sort of hope and calm myself down. Sarah, was my HopeCoach and she was the one who actually made me aware that I am stuck in 2013 mentally because of his loss. She prayed for me and at the end, I had a smile on my face and happy tears because of the prayer.
Thank you Sarah and to the other HopeCoaches who take their time to talk to people who are struggling. Thank you for helping to keep us motivated and helping us to carry on.
To hear our stories, means a lot to me and I am sure to everyone else. You guys are awesome 🙂
-Jordyn.
Do you ever feel uncomfortable in social situations, especially around people you've never met? Are you envious of that person who is always the life of the party, appearing so confident, and having fun, even in new situations?
If you have given up hope that you will ever be less than awkward in a social setting. Or if you believe that you are destined to stick to the back of the room, or hang like a picture against the wall, this blog is for you. I believe there are some things you can do to learn to be more outgoing.
I think most of us face some degree of social anxiety. There are many different levels ranging from severe (afraid to leave your house) to very mild (not a huge fan of making small talk). But I imagine most of us fall somewhere in the middle.
Some of the ideas I discuss below might work for you some may not, and some may just be a good reminder, but I believe these tips could be a great starting point if you have always wanted to be more outgoing, but just haven't had any idea how to do it.
1. Realize fears are normal. Many of the people in the room are feeling the exact same way you are. Socializing is a perfect opportunity for rejection, and no one wants to be rejected. If you start talking to someone, it's a real possibility they may find you boring. You can't be fascinating to everybody! But at the same time, there will be some people who think you are interesting and fun to be with, and if you never take a chance, you will never know. So, push through your fears.
Sarah admitted to having worried about getting people to like her: It's natural to worry about whether people will like you or not.
The truth is, some people will like you, and some people won't. You can't control either.
2. Lighten Up Don't take things too seriously. This includes not taking yourself too seriously. It's not the end of the world when something bad happens to you, and many times being able to laugh at yourself, or finding something funny in the situation is not only good for your own sanity, but it's also funny to other people and lightens the mood.
Brandon agrees: A person can be funny if they laugh at themselves and don't take themselves too seriously and is always positive.
3. Start the conversation. When you begin the conversation with someone, you take the pressure off of him or her. Chances are they are feeling as awkward as you are. Opening a conversation takes some practice to get comfortable with, and you might need to force yourself to do it at first, but it gets easier and more natural. Do your best to be calm and relaxed. This will encourage others to relax with you. Try these conversation starters:
4. Know What's Going on The more you know about what's going on in the world of news, entertainment and pop culture, the better your chances are of finding something to talk about. In the course of your conversation, be prepared to talk about something you found interesting. I saw the funniest thing yesterday, did you happen to see this? And then explain what you saw or heard.
Sometimes people might even think you're funny, simply because you revealed your own humorous way of looking at things
5. It's Not About You Ultimately, this is the most important thing. You don't want to be someone who comes across as a person who is just trying to get attention or that person who can't stop talking about themselves.
Melissa admitted to feeling pretty socially awkward most of the time. It's hard to find the balance between not trying at all and trying too hard.
6. Take a sincere interest in the other person. People are flattered when someone takes a sincere interest in them. Keep the conversation about them by asking lots of questions. Key in on the things they bring up and ask follow-up questions to get more information.
David said he loves it when people take an interest in him. If someone asks me a good question about what I do for fun, or what I like, and then really listens, it makes me feel like they could be a friend. That's how I hope to be to other people.
7. Learn to read body language. You don't want to be that person who traps someone in a conversation that they can't escape or to be the last one at the party who hasn't picked up on the fact that it is time to go. Look for non-verbal clues. If you notice them folding their arms, or stepping back, you may be standing too close for their comfort level. If they are staring over your shoulder, searching the room for someone else, you may need to end the conversation and let them go. If they start picking up the dishes or yawning a lot, it may be time to go.
8. Take a friend. Entering into a new social situation is always easier if you go with a friend. It helps to know someone who likes you is there cheering you on as you begin reaching out to new people. This is great practice for when you have to be in a social setting alone. However, avoid spending all of your time with your friend, or appearing like you are having a private conversation.
People will think you're not in the mood to socialize.
Remember, your fears are very normal. Just relax.
The people who appear to have an easy time socializing are the ones who have had a lot of practice.
You will find the more you work on some of these points, your fears will decrease, and you will look forward to the new adventures, and interesting people you will meet, as you act with courage and confidence.
For additional help and information on Social Anxiety download our free eBook, Understanding Anxiety!
What if we lived life above the norm in EXTREME LOVE; not seeking revenge, not speaking badly of our enemies, and refusing to stay angry?
A good friend of our organization, Brooks Gibbs, wrote a book on bullying called, Love is Greater Than Hate. Gibbs was a victim of bullying as well as a bully himself and in his book, he discusses some alternative responses to bullies.
Here's what he suggests, "The ones who hurt us need our love the most. In fact, I believe that this is the ultimate pathway to healing - to turn the hate that you feel towards someone into genuine love and care for them." (page 29) In other words, what if we loved the bully?
Now you might read that and think this is crazy. You might be saying, "But Dawson, do you have any idea how it feels to be tormented to the point that you feel absolutely worthless. I can't even love myself, let alone love a bully."
First of all, if that is how you are feeling, I want you to know that I believe you are amazing! You are not worthless; you can make a difference in someone else's life. I know this is asking a lot, but what if loving the bully worked? What if you had the power to change the cycle? Gibbs talks about how when we love the unlovable, lives are changed. It "reverses the cycle of hate, breaks the back of bullying, and launches us into a new cycle of life." (page 32)
It is important to understand that a bully is often the victim of hate themselves and to feel better, they try to assert hateful power over someone else. That's why YOU could be the start of a new cycle. You could choose to react with LOVE. Love that is a choice, an action of the will.
Like I said, I know it isn't going to be easy to love the bully, so here are three steps that Gibbs suggests to help in the process.
1. Change your thought patterns. A normal thought pattern after someone hurts us is to begin thinking about them negatively, dwelling on it, magnifying it, and turning it into hateful thoughts. Rather, think of bullying as opportunities to learn to deal with difficult people (they are always present!), begin thinking of them as good and think kind thoughts toward them.
2. Change your actions. Choose not to participate in the drama. By doing so you demonstrate maturity, humility and respect which will totally disarm the bully. Pray for the bully, ask God to help you change your attitude about them.
3. Change your feelings. Feelings follow our thoughts; as you change your thoughts and choose to love, your feelings will follow. "Love will open your eyes. You will gain the ability to see past their masks of hate and see a heart full of hurt." (page 44) Learning to forgive will also help change our feelings. I love Gibbs definition of forgiveness. Forgiveness is "releasing the person that did you wrong from the responsibility of fixing it." (page 45). Forgiving someone sets us free from letting them hurt us over and over again as our mind dwells on how we were wronged. Gibbs says that unforgiveness re-victimizes upon every remembrance.
I have had a number of teens tell me recently about their own experiences of being bullied and how that has motivated them to start a bullying support group in their school. I'm proud of them for wanting to do something to make a difference. It is so important that people who are being bullied have a place to go that is safe and have others supporting them. My word of advice for starting a bullying support group would be that the group not become a revenge group or a place to spew hate about bullies, but rather a place to be "above the norm" and consider how to show love to bullies.
Hate is easy. Love takes courage! You can do it!
For more from Brooks Gibbs check out this video: Anti-Bullying Youth Speaker Brooks Gibbs
For more information on bullying, here's a guide to understanding the types of bullying and cyberbullying and how to deal with it.
When I met Jason, he was seen as a new kid on the block, in his first year of serving a life sentence without parole for murder. Jason was nineteen. We talked for a long time about his past, his broken home, and how he grew up on the streets of Baltimore, dealing dope and packing heat before the end of fourth grade.
Jason could've made excuses for where he was. He could've laid the blame for his poor choices on his life on the street. Instead, he looked me square in the eye and said, there's no one to blame but me. I chose my friends. Now I'm paying the price.
Friendships. We all have them. We all want them. And, to a certain extent, we all need them. Your friends are one of, if not the most, powerful influences in your life today. But do you ever really think about the friendships you have and how they affect you? Your friends are your friends for probably a lot of reasons:
Okay, except for that last one, all of those are pretty valid reasons. Here's another one: They need to live a godly life and encourage you to do the same. Your friends seriously impact you how you dress, how you talk, how you act, who you date, what music you listen to, and even how you treat your parents.
I know you're probably thinking, I don't let my friends influence me like that. I decide what I want to do. Well, it may seem that way. But think about this:
Friends = Time
Friends are not just people you know. They're people you do life with school, lunch, sports, parties it's safe to say you spend a lot of time doing stuff with them.
Time = Influence
The more time you spend with another person, the more you're influenced by that person. That's natural. As you commit time to a friendship, your lifestyle will be more and more affected by theirs.
Influence = Character
1 Corinthians 15:33 warns that bad company will corrupt our character. How's your character? Do you find yourself making choices today that you wouldn't have made if it wasn't for your friends? If yes, have these choices been honoring or dishonoring to God?
Character = Choices
Think about the five choices you most regret making. Now, think about where you were and who you were with when you made these choices of regret. I bet it's pretty safe to say that you were probably with a close friend when you made most, if not all, of these choices.
God knows that friendships are important to you. And He wants you to have truly great ones. But He also knows how much bad friendships can hurt you. So how do you know the difference between good friends and bad ones? Well, unfortunately, your friends are not like bags of Doritos they don't have labels on their backs listing all of their ingredients. In Proverbs 13:20, God gives us a promise and a warning that can help in choosing the right kind of friends:
If you hang out with wise friends, people who know right from wrong and choose right, you're going to get wise. Wise friends will be more able to offer you good advice in time of need because they believe God's ways are right and they follow them.
The warning in this verse is just as clear as the promise and just as serious. Proverbs says if you hang out with fools, then bad stuff is going to happen to you. This verse doesn't say bad stuff might happen. God's word is completely clear!
Meaningful friendships don't always come easy. And there'll be times when distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy friendships will be hard. But as you commit to staying in consistent communication with God, He'll give you the wisdom to know the difference. God wants you to have awesome friendships. He wants you to have fun with good friends. But God also knows what can happen if you choose the wrong friends. So, choose wisely!
Jeffrey Dean, aka, JD is a motivation speaker and has spoken to over 3 million teens. He is also an ordained pastor, counselor, and author.
If you are thinking to yourself after reading this - I need some new friends. Check out Dawson's blog: How to Make Friends.
It started right before entering my senior year in high school. I was tired. Tired of people. Tired of my overbearing parents. Tired of sharing everything with my twin. Tired of life. I attempted suicide when I was at the tender age of 16. I totaled my car by hitting a pole at a whopping 50+ miles per hour. I flipped the car so high I knocked the top off the pole, crushed the passenger side, and somehow walked away with a few scratches. I was scared. I was upset, but I was alive.
Fast forward just a couple of months. Senior year has started, and nothing is going right. I continually ask myself why I failed.
Why am I still here? I felt like a burden on my family. On my teachers. I worked hard in school, to an extent. I had to pretend I didn't care a little. Otherwise, they would all ask what was wrong with me. I still couldn't cope. I watched my twin get everything I had worked three years for. Section leader in band, team captain on our varsity soccer team, she had the high school sweetheart, she was the thin one, the smart one. She had it all. I started to cut. It wasn't for attention. It wasn't for anyone to say, I am so sorry, as they looked away.
It was because there was a pain inside me, I couldn't deal with.
I was immature. Angry. I made it through Christmas barely. Over the break I got a cold, I started taking medicine. I found out I didn't need much sleep on it. So, I kept taking it. For months. Even after the cold had been long gone. I had a drug dependency. I didn't need to sleep more than a couple hours a night. But I didn't make a good use of my extra time. I cried a lot. When everyone was asleep. And I cut. At this point, I had a really bad attitude. A bad outlook on life. I hated everyone and everything. Because of that attitude, I didn't step foot on the soccer field my entire senior year, despite starting on varsity since my freshman year. It was devastating.
I finally lost it and lashed out, not at a student, but at a teacher. When she confronted me, I broke down and told her I didn't need her sympathy, that's why I cut. For me, not anyone else. Here is where being a minor came into play... They told me parents. After watching my mother cry, they put me in therapy. Professional therapy. The counselor talked to me, asked me what was wrong, and I told him all my grievances with the world. He asked what I did for fun. I had to say nothing. Nothing was fun anymore. I didn't have my school, my sport, even my friends were gone at this point. All I had was cold medicine and scarred thighs.
During my final months of senior year, my final months of therapy, I found something out about myself. I was lost. I had strayed so far from God I didn't know how to get back.
Here I was searching desperately for something to help me. To take away my loneliness, my pain. And He was right there. Waiting for me.
There were so many signs while I was struggling, but I was too angry to see them or take them for what they were. I reconnected with God. Got involved with my church. It took a long time, but I beat my drug dependency, I beat the need to be accepted by everyone around me, and I beat the need to self-harm myself. I was accepted. Finally. I strayed throughout college; I don't know many people who don't honestly... But I found my way back through an amazing man who I am now engaged to marry. I am in charge of a youth group, and we lead discussions about tough topics. Topics I have firsthand experience with. I also sing. I sing on Wednesdays; I sing on Sundays. I sing at work. In the car. Alone or surrounded by people. I lift God and I thank him every day for rescuing me from myself and the devil within me. I still fight sin. Daily. It's still a struggle. But I am no longer alone. Praise Jesus for his love and grace. - Brianna
Related Posts:
A Door of Hope
Why Do People Self-Harm?
Real Story: Artist Michaela Hatfield
How To Quit Cutting
If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.
If you are struggling, you don't have to struggle alone. TheHopeLine is here for you. Chat with us: HERE
