The heartbreak broke me completely and so badly that I went and did drugs, something I was against completely. Before she left me and after she left me, I died inside and I tried to take my life a few times after we broke up. Yes I know, you don't want to hear this sob story but at the end you will receive a message out of all this.
December 1st last year, I worked at a bar as a barman to calm me down and get me off drugs. It worked wonders because I started to think less of the things that brought my life into a downward spiral. On the 15th of that month, I was arrested for drinking and driving. I never spent any time in jail that night because I did cocaine to numb the pain inside of me just before I got pulled over.
After that, on the 25th of December on Christmas, I was sitting home alone finishing bottle after bottle of whiskey and bags of cocaine. I started thinking about everything that had led up to this moment. I was thinking about all the pain, all the memories that contributed to why I was there in that moment. In a rage of depression, grief, and a buildup of emotional strain that I'd been fighting and hiding away, along with my feelings of being a failure and of not being able to be the person people always thought of me.
Indecisively, I took a bottle of whiskey and my gun. I got in my car and went up to world's view, a place where I normally go to clear my mind that over looks the city. The reason I went up there was to finally do it and end my pain, end my suffering and release myself from the darkness. I wanted to stop the constant memories that were eating away at myself. I sat there until 2am, when I finally built up enough courage and drank enough whiskey to do it. I took the gun, cocked it and with the barrel in my mouth I had a moment of release, knowing that soon, all the pain would be gone and I pulled the trigger.
I pulled the trigger 3 times after that, then pointed the gun away from me and pulled the trigger again. A shot went off and then, the gun went in my mouth again and nothing happened again when I pulled the trigger. I cried profusely for hours, asking, why am I such a failure? Why must I go and carry on when there is nothing for me? I cried and cried that I couldn't even think of anything. I walked from where I was sitting towards the end of the wall. I tried one last time, but this time I made sure that the bullet was a live round as I pulled the trigger. I hoped this was going to be my release from this hell I was going through, as I heard the click of the gun, something came over me...a sense, a feeling that I can never explain to this day. I was in a paralysis state standing there.
Then not thinking about anything until 6am, the moment the sun broke through the clouds and it shined straight onto my skin, that was the moment I realized, it was the most beautiful sunrise I'd ever seen in my entire 26 year's. The moment that happened, I promised myself no matter what happens in life, no matter how down I was, or how badly I was hurting, there would be another sunrise, another chance of giving, another chance to showing humanity and another chance to change someone's life without wanting anything back.
I only wanted to receive the gift we all take for granted, the smallest yet most powerful gift anyone can ever give, a glimmer of hope, a smile. The smiles of those people you passed in the mall or anywhere, that single smile of hope they gave when they look at you. It doesn't matter what the reasons are behind the smile, someone took time to look at you and acknowledge your existence.
It's that single smile that plays a big role on your own happiness.
Hence why now, a year later to be exact, l have been happy when I was meant to be sad. I knew my sadness would not help anyone, not even me cope with life but my constant happiness and joy in finding the smallest things in life does help people. It doesn't matter if it's a good or bad thing in my life, I still stay positive. I want to give people hope to carry on, no matter what they are going through. I have not been left alone by certain aspects of my depression and I have not found clearance in my life but I have found a way to use my depression to help others. It doesn't matter what they are going through, I am always there to reassure them that there is something great in everything. I tell them the truth. I'm honest with them even though sometimes I can't even tell myself the truth or help myself with my own depression. I just think about the people I am helping and that with every person I help, I saved them from going through the same pain I went through.
They don't ask for help but I can see when someone is feeling down and out and like there is no way out because I myself suffer from the same condition. I know for a fact that after tonight, you won't wake up thinking the same negative things. Yes, they will still roam around in your mind but then when they do, just remember the small things in life, they are the biggest blessing you will receive. For me, it is seeing those lost and broken souls that are now healed by a simple act of caring and kindness and encouraging words. When someone needs someone to believe in them and listen to them with out judging and I do that and they smile.
Even though, I can't do it for myself, doesn't mean I must not try and do it for other's. My motto in life now is something I tell everyone: I don't judge a person I observe them. And by observation, I can help where I can and bring smiles back into a person's life. And that is the biggest gift I have received...being able to do things for people. That's my story of how my near suicide attempt brought me to accept my past and help other's who are suffering with depression. I hope some where out in this world my story will give hope to someone and save them.
~Schalk
If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.
After 25 years of taking countless phone calls on my radio show, I've heard thousands of stories about heartbreak due to relationship failures. What is so often lacking in all these relationships is a foundation of trust. And without trust people have no sense of security and can never rest secure in their relationship.
So, let's look at some key factors needed to build trust before a relationship even begins.
So often I hear of people who are deep into relationships emotionally, physically, or even sexually, but still are not sure they can trust their partner. They don't know if they can trust their BF/GF with their true feelings, or if they will be faithful, or even if they are who they appear to be. I remember an interview with Taylor Swift where she was asked about the most difficult thing she has learned about relationships.
"It's when you think you know someone," she replied, "then later find out that is not at all who they were."
Passion wrote: I've been dating this guy for 5 months and I found out he gave his number to another girl, I don't even see him the same as I used to, I look at him and wonder if everything is a lie.
LittleShorty wrote: He tells me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... But my problem is that he thinks I am cheating on him... but I am not cheating on him... What I wanna know if he is cheating on me or not...
HARD TRUTH:
No relationship is going to succeed or survive without a strong foundation of trust.
So, how do you arrive at trust? How do you know if you can trust your BF/GF? No simple answer to those questions, but here are a few ideas:
1. Start by simply avoiding relationships with people you already know are untrustworthy. That might quickly eliminate a few possibilities.
2. Look for someone who will talk to you about common interests, as well as personal stuff like faith, values, and what you want to do with you lives. You can't always go on what people say but talking about those things gives you a momentary glimpse of what is really inside that person. What if they don't want to talk about that kind of stuff? It's not a deal-breaker, but an unwillingness to let you see inside makes you wonder what's really in there.
3. Observe what they do and how they act under pressure. That's when our real selves begin to show.
4. Set your standard high and look for a BF/GF who wants to know you, be with you, love you for who you are not for access to your body, not to hitch a ride on your popularity, and not for something he/she wants to turn you into. Before jumping in with both feet, be sure they love you for who you are, just as you are, right now.
Insecurity is another big issue holding relationships back...have you ever worried your BF/GF was going to leave you?
Fear of abandonment is very common, especially if you have finally met someone who you really like, or if have been abandoned in the past. It's natural to want to hold onto things that mean the most to us. But still, we are never given permission to own or control another person.
This means other people are always free to do whatever they want, even if it means leaving the relationship. There's a fine line between wanting to have someone in your life and wanting to possess them. Many people don't have enough belief or confidence in themselves to ever imagine being alone. This can cause a person to hold on too tightly. Loyalty is one thing--fear of being alone is another.
Most people do not want to be in a relationship with someone who is extremely insecure, negative and clingy.
To get past the fear of being left, you need to get to the place where being alone is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you. This will take time, but it's worth the effort. Spend some time trying to figure out what kinds of things you enjoy. What kinds of things make you feel really alive? As you get to know yourself, you will have more of your complete self to bring to a relationship.
It also helps to know that you will never truly be alone...even if your BF/GF leaves you. God promises us in the Bible that He will never abandon us and will always love us because we belong to him...we are his children. If you believe this, you will find such confidence and comfort because you know you are never truly alone.
So, if you are in a good relationship, thank God for every day you have with your BF/GF. You have today, tomorrow will take care of itself. And God will always be there.
"I’m a man, so I’ve got to be ___________________. " (Fill in the blank)
What word came to mind?
As a man, I know these are the types of words that pop into my head. This idea that we need to be a "man's man" and all that.
But I know I've hit lows in my life where I didn't feel so strong or brave. Where I thought I should be able to hold it together, but truthfully I needed help. Even admitting that is tough for me. Am I being too vulnerable? Will I be seen as weak? Our culture seems to send a message to men...don't reveal too much...don't "give in" to any discomfort you may be feeling.
I think it is very common for men to feel weak at times, but we try our best to hide it. Many men struggle with depression or anxiety...they don’t feel strong or like they can do it on their own any longer? I know this because I've talked to some of the bravest of these men...the ones that struggle with these things, but had enough courage to call me on my radio show to ask for help.
One young man faced this battle and finally decided to reach out to TheHopeLine for help. After he talked with a HopeCoach, he shared the following story.
This is Coy's Story:
My life began to feel so heavy and dark inside. I knew it was outside input from the enemy but eventually, I just started to believe the lie. I was a worthless father, husband, and provider for my family. My new job hadn’t panned out the way I thought it would and left my family of six with a $500 a month pay cut. Over the course of 6 months, we had fallen behind on rent, other bills and it just started to tailspin. Every day at work, I would contemplate and try to just build up the courage to walk out onto the highway in front of a semi. Too proud to ask for help, too much of a coward to take the easy way out.
I would dare say that these are feelings many men have...they want to provide for their families and when they are struggling to provide in the way they want to, they feel worthless, and yet they are too proud or scared to ask for help. However, reaching out for help made all the difference for Coy and saved his life. Read the rest of the story here: Coy's Story
The push and the pull between being masculine and depressed is a fight many guys engage in. Blogger, Charlie Scaturro, in his blog Masculinty, Anxiety and Depression shares his battle. In it he says, “There’s something particularly emasculating about depression. About feeling like there’s no point in being alive and that everything is hopeless and ridiculous. If I were stronger, the narrative goes, I would be able to stop myself from feeling this way…
A real man isn’t supposed to get depressed. A real man is supposed to get angry.
A real man isn’t supposed to have anxiety and panic attacks. A real man is supposed to fight through anxiety and panic attacks and stop being such a you-know-what….
And this reality can lead to a desperate and harmful struggle to avoid whatever the opposite of power and strength and masculinity are. It can lead to denial and a refusal to get help or tell anyone about what’s going on because of the fear that it isn’t masculine.”
1. You’re a man.
2. You feel you’re supposed to be strong, courageous, self-sufficient, etc.
3. In reality, you are depressed and questioning your purpose? Struggling to get out of bed. Feeling debilitated.
4. You don’t tell anyone because you believe you are supposed to be strong enough to conquer this on your own and you don’t want others to see you as weak.
5. The depression causes you to have suicidal thoughts, but you don’t dare reach out for help.
To begin with, here are some suicide statistics from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:
A new study published in Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology on Masculinity and Suicide found that, “one characteristic of dominant masculinity—self-reliance—stood out as a risk factor for suicidal thinking.”
The study went on to say, “Men who are self-reliant may believe that they should be strong in the face of any adversity, consider that feeling down is a sign of weakness, and be unlikely to reach out to friends, family or professional sources for help.”
You are a man, but you are also a human made to experience all kinds of emotions. If you are struggling with life, feeling you don’t measure up, struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, worrying you are not financially stable enough…those are not things that make you weak they are emotions that make you human. It is possible to be both masculine and depressed. By acknowledging this and then finding the courage to share what you are feeling with another person is how you will find help and healing.
In our society, for the most part, men are emotionally isolated from other men. I don't know of many platforms where men can be vulnerable with one another. But I think it would be a move in the right direction to start these conversations and create safe groups for men to talk. It can start with you being willing to share a struggle with a friend. You may discover they have felt the same way.
If you don't have a friend you feel you can talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out to TheHopeLine Chat for help. Our HopeCoaches will never judge you. Rather they will encourage you and provide you with resources that can help. You do NOT have to do this alone. Sometimes the biggest sign of strength is having the courage to say you need help.
Unfortunately, there have been a number of tragic suicides recently of rock stars and other famous men whose public persona appears strong and masculine. Yet behind this public image they must have struggled with some difficult private battles.
Thankfully, mainstream media is also working to spread the message of hope. The rapper, Logic, has a song titled, 1-800-273-8255 which is the phone number to the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine.
Here’s a verse from the song:
I know where you been, where you are, where you goin’
I know you’re the reason I believe in life
What’s the day without a little night?
I’m just tryna shed a little light
It can be hard
It can be so hard
But you gotta live right now
You got everything to give right now.
You do have something to give to this world. I believe God created you for a purpose and that he has a plan for your life. Don’t give up on that too soon. Don’t quit before you find out what that purpose is and what joy may lie ahead. Come just as you are, flaws and all, and ask God to help you. He loves you so much! God says in the Bible, “The thief’s (satan’s) purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.”
If you have questions about this, please chat with a HopeCoach.
If you or a friend is struggling - What Now?
If you are having suicidal thoughts or if you know someone who is considering suicide, find out what to do in TheHopeLine's eBook: Understanding Suicide.
