Inviting God Into Suicidal Thoughts

My name is Emily and this is my story:

I finally came to a point in my life where I just couldn't handle my problems on my own anymore, even with the Lord.

There's been a lot to deal with, including child abuse, severe bullying, and domestic violence.

I Couldn't Handle the Pain or Shame

Despite several attempts at counseling in the past, things just came to a head; and I felt as if I couldn't handle the pain, confusion, and despair of it all anymore.  Several weeks ago I started to seriously think of ending my life and researching for ways to do it.

Yet, praise God, He somehow kept me going, mostly through worship and praise music.  After the most severe episode of suicide ideation, I felt so ashamed.  That's where TheHopeLine came in. It was a late Saturday night.  Because of the shame and confusion, I dreaded going to church the next day and needed someone to talk to.  How could I face everyone?  "Good" Christians are not supposed to have these kinds of problems, right?

Love Conquered the Shame

West, from TheHopeLine, not only addressed these concerns, but also did so much more.  She helped me, for the very first time ever, to truly believe in God's love!  I told her that trying to believe in the depths of God's love always seemed to hurt so much.  I feared that if I let myself really and truly believe it, I would start crying and never stop. I had never told anyone else this before.  Yet, West was so understanding, so genuine and kind, she knew just what I needed to hear.  This person really cared!  Furthermore, she reminded me of God's truth and dispelled the lies swirling around in my head.

Courage to Get Treatment

That night with West on TheHopeLine was a turning point in my life.  Believing in God's love has given me strength and clarity to honestly face complex-PTSD and get the help I need. At present, I am waiting to get into a local residential treatment program for trauma.  It's a little scary to think about, not knowing what the future holds; but that's okay.

Because of West and TheHopeLine, I can continue moving forward, remembering that depression is nothing to be ashamed of.  There's help and we are not alone!
- Emily

If you feel that you can no longer handle the pain or the shame, hopefully, Emily's story gives you HOPE. You are not alone and help is available.  Chat live with a caring Hope Coach.

If you or a friend need support right now, please visit the suicide prevention resource page. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.