Many people still plan to wait to have sex with their boyfriend or girlfriend until marriage. But sometimes, those plans fall through. Maybe you felt a strong connection and were convinced they were the only one you would be with. Maybe one of you felt pressured to have sex as a way of being sure you stayed together. Or maybe you just got caught up in the moment.

Whatever the reason for having sex before marriage, if you’ve done something that goes against what you and your partner agreed on, you’re probably dealing with some difficult emotions. I hope that I can offer you some encouragement as you decide how to move forward in your relationship, and how to find support.

You are Not Damaged Goods

The most important thing to remember is that you are not damaged goods if you have sex before marriage. The concept of being “damaged goods” is a harmful one that is rooted in an unhealthy sense of shame. It’s important to take responsibility for your actions, but it’s best to do so in a way that is kind to yourself. Instead of thinking, I can’t believe I did this. I’m such a horrible person. I hate myself, t’s a lot more helpful to think in terms of how you can understand what happened, what you will do differently in the future, and how you and your partner can better support each other in the shared goals you have for your relationship.

God Loves You

God’s love and forgiveness is one of the most comforting things to hold on to during a difficult time, or when thinking through a decision we’re unhappy with. Even if you believe that having sex before marriage is contrary to what your faith teaches, it is important not to lose faith in God. Because he still believes in you. He still loves you, and he still has plans for you to have a full and joyful life.

People Love You

You are loved and cared for by family and friends. Reach out to people you trust when you need someone to talk to during this time of processing and healing. Remember: you do not have to share personal details with every friend or family member. If you feel safe with them, by all means let them know what’s been going on, and what support you need. But if the thought of telling them makes you feel afraid or unsafe, you can protect yourself by only going to people you trust with private details about your life.

You Have Support

If you’re not sure who to talk to, you’ve started in a good place. TheHopeLine has many resources, articles, ebooks, personal stories, blogs, and podcasts that make us a judgment-free place to talk about sex. If you need one-on-one support, we offer email or chat mentoring.

You can talk to a HopeCoach today to find clarity and encouragement during this time, and to brainstorm how to move forward in your dating relationship. We care about you and want you to know that no matter what happens, you are valued and loved.

When you feel a strong attraction, it’s hard to know if what you’re feeling is lust or love, understanding the difference is key to a healthy relationship. Find out more here.