A Nobody That Deserved to Die
Death is what I desired as I thought it was the only solution. The voices in my head were too much. It broke my heart into pieces and my soul was engulfed with sorrow. I felt worthless, I thought that I was a nobody and deserved to die, I felt like I was an accident and let everyone down, mostly my parents.
I grew up in a Christian family and the environment was not hostile. I draw my emotional pain from preschool where my classmates thought that vitiligo was contagious and no one wanted to associate with me apart from one girl named Nora.
What it Felt Like to Be Suicidal
Pills and Self-Harm to Numb the Pain
Growing up with this skin condition was taunting and it broke me. It contributed to the suicidal thoughts. Every time I broke something by accident or didn’t do something well the suicidal thoughts would flood into my mind. I would hit my head on the wall countless times as the thoughts swam into my mind. Sometimes I would take some medicine that my mom would leave in the cabinet and I would feel a sense of false relief. Eventually my mom discovered that I was doing this and hid the medicines. As years went my grades suffered and the enemy kept on repeating the same old lies and I kept on believing them. I shifted my energy to my studies when I was in high school to numb the pain. But every time something embarrassing happened I would find myself with the same spiraling thoughts. At school I was happy but I cried myself to sleep and would take some Piriton (a sedating antihistamine) in large quantities to sleep. It eventually became the norm and when I had the money I would buy them. After high school, I started cutting my right arm. I would take a knife or broken mirror to cut my hand until blood came out. Again a false sense of security filled my heart every time I would cut my arm. Honestly, I didn’t want to die. I wanted the pain to end. It hurt when people questioned why my face had small white dots. I know they asked out of curiosity but it pierced my heart. I recall being called a leopard because of the white dots as I tried to defend my little sister in elementary school. In my early twenties, someone accused me of using beauty products that failed me when I went to the bank to inquire.
I Blamed God
To me, nothing good could come out, so I thought. Bitterness grew in my heart as I even blamed God for my skin condition and drew further and further from Him.
My mother continuously prayed for me in secret and encouraged me since I was a child, however, I wasn’t paying attention to her advice. The enemy would replay the times I was made fun of and when my classmates talked behind my back. After almost being introduced to the dark kingdom, I changed my mind and I backed out.
Then God Helped Me
I started drawing closer to God, as I had enough of the emotional pain. As I drew closer to God I started speaking positivity into my life. I would look at the mirror and say “I am so beautiful“. Of course, the enemy kept on bringing the suicidal thoughts, especially when I was spiritually weak. I thank God for my praying mother and my financial accounting teacher in college, who always started her classes with prayers and words of encouragement.
It wasn’t an easy battle but God carried me through it. I had put so many chains upon my life with a negative confession but the Lord redeemed me. I am glad to be close to God. He healed the emotional trauma I have carried all of my life.
Life in Christ is worth living and I believe that one day the Lord will make all things beautiful.
In Christ, we can overcome. For death could not hold Him.
God has got your back. Trust him with everything for he knows what is best. The Lord heals and restores. He loves us (John 3:16) tells us so.
If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.