Thoughts of Harming Myself Started in 7th Grade

Hey, my name is Julieanna. I am 15 years old. Last year I attempted suicide 2 times. I've self-harmed multiple times, and every time it gets worse. Please help!

Releasing Emotional Pain

The first time I cut myself it was to release the emotions and pain I've been holding onto. Being the "family disappointment" is a hard job. I first had thoughts of harming myself in 7th grade, but I didn't act on it. By 8th grade, I gave in to the temptation and started harming myself. I had friends that "cared." In reality, some did, others didn't. I'll admit I was a little bit overdramatic at times. I would say, "I'm gonna kill myself" just to see how my friends would act. They thought I was doing it for attention, and I was, but I didn't want to admit it. Something with self-harm just fascinated me.

High School Drama

Then I entered high school. My freshman year was absolutely horrible. Drama, Drama, DRAMAAA!!

I promised I wouldn't cut, but a rumor started spreading about me, and my own family dissed me about it, so, of course, I ended up cutting again but this time worse. All over my thighs and wrists. I felt free and relieved. But the pain instantly came back.

After that situation, cutting became something I did regularly. If anything went wrong, I instantly went to cutting. I once went to my dad about it, and he helped me a little, but the feeling was still there. Over the summer my parents found out I was cutting myself again, and they were disappointed. They didn't understand why I would do that to myself.

I entered my sophomore year thinking I wasn't going to do it anymore since life was going GREAT!! Right?? WRONG!! I ended up cutting myself back to back some days to the point where my own skin couldn't heal. Cutting from my thighs to my wrists it got to the point that there was no space left for me to cut. I turned to my friends and boyfriend, and they were comforting and begged me to stop, but it's something I can't just quit. It's apart of me.

Suicide Attempts

Then I attempted suicide. My suicide attempts were with pills both times. Both times I prayed I would live, and I'm still here. I still have the marks, scars, whatever you want to call them from cutting. At times I feel alone in my own home, as though no one understands me. I feel my family sees me as this horrible person that cares about no one, but that's just not true.  - Julieanna

TheHopeLine's Response to Julieanna:

Dear Julieanna,
Please know we see you and we hear you. We believe you and care about you. You are a good person. Believe that you are lovable, valuable and worthy.

We want you to know that you are not alone. At TheHopeLine we have talked to many people who have faced similar struggles. There is help and hope available to move forward and live a fulfilling life. We are glad you are reaching out with your story. Now please don't hesitate to seek help as well.  There are people who care.  To begin with, you can chat with a HopeCoach, sign up for an E-Mail Mentor or ask others to pray for you from our Get Help Page.

Resources for Self-Harm and Suicidal Thoughts: 

We have a partnership with Door of Hope, an organization that specializes in helping people who self-harm. Door of Hope has crisis care advocates that provide free services via texting, email and phone. Please check them out - Door of Hope

When your suicidal thoughts start to run around in your mind, you can contact any one of the organizations listed here - Suicide Prevention

You also might benefit from reading how Amanda broke free from her struggle with self-harm - Breaking Free From Self-Harm

And please read this to remind yourself of reasons it is worthwhile to keep working at life -  Why Say No to Suicide

Finally - Julieanna, here at TheHopeLine we find a tremendous amount of hope through our faith. It gives us value, love, hope, purpose and security. If you are searching for true peace, here's where to turn - Learn More About God.
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