It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
I'm a 21 year old student and iv been in a Three year emotionally abusive relationship. I think bAck to how sweet he was when I first met him for a few months then he started calling me and my mum fat, would tell him he didn't want to introduce me to his friends because of how I looked, never was there for me when I needed someone, told me what I can and can't wear, would go out with all his friends and there girlfriends and I wouldn't be the only one who wasn't invited, he would go through my phone, emails and Facebook secretly.A few days ago I couldn't handle it anymore and I ended the relationship but I feel really low because I miss him. He has been my first ever love. I need some help and some advice please
I'm a senior in high school this year, and recently turned 18. For the past four years, and perhaps most of my childhood, the emotional abuse my mom has given me has grown worse and worse.
My freshman year, I had a few self confidence issues. I wasn't always happy, and I wasn't always sad, such is life. That is normal. My mom tried to reason that I should always be happy, and that because I wasn't, for a few months attempted to pull me out of school and robotics, and force me into a counseling program in another state. (She was a counselor for most of her life, she believes she understand everything when it comes to emotional states... when this example clearly shows that she does not.) I was only left alone because my dad decided to in this moment not let her.
Sophomore year I liked myself a bit more, but I still was struggling with how others saw me. I was on a robotics team that took up MUCH of my time. My coach was kind of a jerk to everyone, and it bothered me that I couldn't change that. (we had tried to approach the situation several times, to no avail.) This was around the time my mom started to act more ridiculous towards me.
Junior year, I struggled a lot. My robotics coach was still being a dick. I was a captain of the team that year. (Our school had three teams). My coach favored his son's team (which wasn't mine). So, I always tried my hardest. But it was never enough to be considered good, by him. I worked my tail off. When I was made as captain of one of the three teams, he purposely gave me students that were the MOST difficult to work with. (Mind you, I was a short, junior girl.) I had several senior boys, who didn't take kindly to taking direction from a younger, female captain. I worked so hard to try and prove myself to my coach. But he always tossed me aside. He would yell at me and tell me that my team was doing horribly, and that was why he wouldn't let us get any privileges, like his son's team. There was EXTREME favoritism. And almost no one on my team would listen to me. The few that would, were freshman that had no idea what they were doing, and refused to help even still in most situations.
My senior year was the absolute worst emotionally I've ever been. I quit the robotics team half way through the year. My coach had started acting like I didn't even exist. My mom had started making me feel like a monster. She was going through some medical problems at the time, some life threatening stuff. I was distraught, and heartbroken. Distraught because I cared about my mom. Heartbroken because of the way she thought she could treat me, and did treat me. She would constantly blame me, and make irrational arguments. She was lash out over the smallest things, then go complain to my dad that I had started it, that I was the one to blame. She twisted things to go her way. She tried to tell me what I was aloud to think and do. Though she might not have come directly out and said "You're a terrible person", she did her best to try and make me FEEL like I was a bad person. --->
I'm atheist. I told her this long ago. My senior year, she said, "Oh you don't REALLY believe that." and when I told her I did, and that didn't get to decide what my beliefs were... she threatened to kick me out of the house. When I told her she didn't get to control my life, she argued that she was my mom and yes she did. --->
When I told her I wanted to go into game design, and start up a YouTube career, and make videos and stream on Twitch, she laughed. She said it wasn't practical, and that it was ridiculous. She basically told me she thought my dream was stupid, and that I would never make it. --->
She told me that because my hair wasn't re-dyed, it was gross and I looked bad. She told me that because I spent more and more time in my room, obviously it was because my attitude was so bad it drove away all my friends. (I still had friends, and do still have friends now.) She liked to make a lot of assumptions, and yell at me for everything. She would twist anything I did or said to make me look bad. --->
When she had all of her health issues.. One day we were talking about what we wanted for dinner. I said hotdogs, or something on the grill. She said over and over again then let's go buy hotdogs. I told her well maybe not hotdogs, just something off the grill maybe? She lashed out and yelled at me for this. She then proceeded to yell at me for completely unrelated, untrue things. She yelled, "When I had cancer you didn't care about me!". I was so broken inside when she said that. Of course I cared, I loved my mom. I never hated my mom. I hated the way she treated me.
I was so trapped within my own home. I couldn't tell her anything without her trying to tell me I was crazy and needed 'help'.
Living there was so toxic to me as a human being. For my mind especially.
I will be living on my own soon, and I hope it will finally bring about an end to the seemingly never-ending problem of living with her.
I don't want to hate my mom, I don't want to leave and not want to come back.
But she's making me feel like that.
I can't be around people that put down everything I want to do with my life anymore.
I want to be happy. I want to be with people that understand me. People that will never put me down for doing what makes me happy.
I used to have a very good friend. Once my self esteem became very low and i was depressed. I thought she could help me feel better since we were best friends, but now all she tells me is that im not worth it and all i do is complain now, when i really aren't. She also tells me to suck it up. Now i feel even worse about myself. She made me even quit school and move to homeschooling. She is so senseless.
you dont need that and you have a right to your feelings... and you are worth it, if you ever need to talk, feel free.. you can write me back.
Due to the backlash of severe emotional abusive and manipulation from my family, to cope, I developed OCD and anorexia when I was 9 that lasted 11 years. I am 22 now. Emotional and verbal abuse is so real. Words hurt. Intentions hurt.
my mom has been verbally abusing me for the last 3 years she has called me worthless and stupid and told me she wishes she never had kids when she looks at me shes called me out of my name plenty of times and has hit me with more than a hand or belt. sometimes it seems as though she does it just for fun what do i do?
Leave. it may be a hard thing to do. But I mean it. I wish when I was in a bad situation, I would have left. I didn't, and it caused me more harm than good. Talk to someone you could maybe go and live with until you are old enough to live on your own. Explain to them your situation. I would recommend living with a close friend, if their parents allow it. At least temporarily at the very least. Staying with your mom will only cause you more emotional pain in the long run. I'm here to tell you it is not your fault. I'm here to let you know YOU DO NOT DESERVE THE WAY SHE TREATS YOU. You are not worthless. You can do anything you wish to in life. Do what makes you happy. You have one life. Do what makes you happy. Know that I am here for you. There are other there for you too. Don't be hesitant to get out of a bad situation. I can ALMOST guarantee that when you try to leave, your mom will try to make you feel bad. You are not in the wrong here. You are not a monster. You do not deserve the way she treats you. It is not okay for her to treat you the way she does.
Things don't just "get better". "Giving it time" does NOT help. Leave.
You need to get out of that situation.