It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
I am 20 years old and is someone that is currently dealing with emotional and verbal abuse from my father. It doesn't matter what I say or do, it is still never good enough. He is very distant and only focuses on his job and my mom. He has called me names, said that I was annoying and told me to shut up. If I don't agree with what he says, he threatens to kick me out of the house. He claims that he never has abused me. He used to lock me in the storage room in our basement when I was younger. He allowed my mom to physically abuse me and didn't do a thing to stop her. My mom has denied abusing me as well. He and my mom did not get help for controlling their anger and it has resulted in shouting matches. He says I twist other people's words and put words in his mouth which is not true. He constantly focuses on my failures and is rarely supportive or encouraging. He thought that it was better to go to a bible study rather then go see me play water polo at States my senior year of high school. I am currently in college and would rather distance myself from my parents then suffer more pain. But I don't know where to start at all and if anyone is willing to give me advice or help, that would be great.
Stephen Chang, It is safe for me say that I understand what you going through because I am verbally abused as well.
I feel your pain and you don't deserve to be verbally abused either. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a father who won't tolerate abuse and stand up for his children. Abuse is common is my family and even my cousin on my mom's side admitted to me that his father, my uncle abused him. It is something with my Grandma on my mom's side and my Grandpa on my dad's side that makes me believe that my parents were abused as kids. I want to break the cycle and raise a good family and distance myself from my parents.
I'm 54 in a couple weeks and still live at home, only because my mother relies on me for so many things. She keeps yelling at me, I can't do anything right, I'll never be a good wife or mother, I'm a slut for wearing make-up, etc. She can't do anything because she wants others to take care of her business, like healthcare, giving her the insulin, cooking for her, going to the store, etc. Her legs are bad, but the doctor tells her to walk, which she doesn't do. She just wants to be waited on yet yell and degrade the person who waits on her. She treats my father the same way. He's a reformed alcoholic and I fear he will go back to drinking. But I desperately need to move on with my life. I want my own apartment, my own things, my own life. I don't want to live someone else's life, and I can't get her to understand that. I'm thinking of moving out quietly and having NC. I don't want to do things that way, but she's forcing me to.
I see you posted 14 days ago. How are you now? I can't tell you how much I hope you're alright. I'm also a caregiver but for my father. He gets upset alot over little things. They say its the illness talking not him. But, hes been an angry man since i was 10. Will you be strong and live your life how you think you should so that I know it can be done?
Kat, Thank you for reaching out for help about the abuse that is going on in your home. You are not alone in your struggles. We are here to help you in any way we can. We would encourage you to talk to your teacher or guidance counselor at school about what is going on. Please call us at TheHopeLine or chat with one of our HopeCoaches about what is going on and when you feel you need to talk. We are open around the clock and ready to listen. Call 1.800.394.4673 or to chat go to http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp
Hi im 13 years old and i have an abusive mother. She will constantly yell at me and my older brother for what my younger siblings do. Just today she threatened to hit us because my little sister made a mess with something that she gave her. And a couple minutes earlier i had even started to clean it, and she said she would take care of it. I also have a physically abusive stepfather who will bring my younger brother upstairs and hit him to the point where i can hear him scream from the floor below. But they always try to make it seem like they are the best parents ever, and try to get us to do stuff with them. I just dont know what to do anymore.
I don't know if my dad is abusive emotionally verbally etc or just strict I asked him about how to do a school project and he started yelling at me you should have done this weeks ago and I should have butI ddidn't understand how to do it and I kept asking him and he finally replied give me the paper and read and told me how to do it somehwhat but I still didn't understand and he told me then you can do it yourself I told you how to do it already are you restarted or something? And then he just got off a heart attack too but he said I caused him almost to die and have that heart attack when I thought I saved him because they found several blockages in his heart. I was honestly hoping he'd die during surgery so I can see my mom but I don't even know laws so I wasn't sure if I could see her or not. I cry a lot because of him I cry continuously every night and he threatens me for little things by saying I'm gonna call juvy and your such a delinquent and you have this problem and this problem , you need to loose weight I've heard and he sees me cry and doesn't even say sorry instead I'm the one saying sorry to him every time. We get in fights almost every day and I'm almost considering suicide I've already started cutting a little but I haven't really done it cuz I'm scared to but I feel like self harm will take the emotional pain away from me and I just can't handle it me and my dad used to hang out and do everything go out and go to parks now all h ever wants to do is sit at home and clean and make me do chores and we sit around . he tells everyone about me and how I'm so mean to him and don't do anything for him and I try so hard to do things to my best ability I'm tired of it.
You do know that God is always beside you and listening to you ?
Even if you can't express your emotions to him, God is there.
I too get harsh treatment.
If I'm bathing my younger siblings ( both boys ) I'm a girl and they don't want to listen to me I shout at them and if he's outside he'll threaten to hit me it my face or if I spend more than 5 minutes to bathe he'll say how I'm selfish and I do everything I can do to please him since last year when I began mensuration. I'm 11 years old now. I was once daddy's girl 7 years ago. Since my brothers were born. I'm a girl who loves to clean so he takes it to his advantage. Last night and years ago I figured he only wanted boy children. And I'm an A student.
But God was helped me out a how to get through it and he can for you too, so just pray and leave it to me