If you quickly open a soda, there is some chance the contents will foam up and spill over the top. Shake that bottle for thirty seconds before removing the top and you'll have a much more intense experience. Talking with people about relationships with loved ones in the military is like opening a bottle that has been violently shaken. The pressure inside is so great that the questions and experiences come out fast and strong, and they spew in every direction.
Here are some of the comments I have received about deployment and its impact on relationships.
Anonymous wrote: Guys usually don't communicate the way women do. I know my husband loves me and missed me on deployments. Did he ever write that in a letter? No. The best I would get was a "miss you Babe" on a phone call.
Fadeintoyou82 wrote: My boyfriend is deployed. We had been together for 7 months before he left. Everything was going great the first half of the deployment, then out of nowhere, he starts to become distant and disconnected. Then he tells me that he doesn't know if he has the same feelings for me anymore.
HappyLittleGirl wrote: I am experiencing my first deployment away from the most fantastic man I've ever met besides my father. We've been dating for 8 months and love each other. He's in the Navy and deployed somewhere in the Middle East... I love him dearly and I know he loves me... but I worry that he doesn't miss me.
nicolem28 wrote: I'm engaged to an AF guy and he's been gone 50% of our relationship. This trip he's on now has been awful since he has minimal communication opportunities, so I understand how the doubt can creep in.
Lyndsey wrote: Military relationships are special. if they make it through the training and first deployment, they can make it through anything.
Your Relationship Can Survive Military Deployment
I've asked one of our partners, Mike Jones, to talk about loved ones on deployment. Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. Mike shares openly about some of the struggles and how to overcome them when your loved one is deployed.
Coping with Lack of Communication
Dawson: It seems that with a lot of our callers the lack of communication with a deployed spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is what puts a lot of pressure on relationships.
Mike: Communication with those back home is difficult for several reasons. A lot of time soldiers are in isolated situations with limited or command-only communications. If you're front line like infantry soldiers, you are busy 24-7-365-360 (every hour, every day of the year, all around you). You're either on patrol, on guard duty, or crashing. There's very little downtime, but even then, the enemy may decide it's time to lob a few mortars or attack the compound. A lot of that downtime is focused on getting ready to go again.
Dawson: Perhaps it's more than just the number of emails or the amount of talk-time. If couples really don't understand or feel what the other is going through, they'll still have a disconnect whether they communicate a lot or a little.
Importance of Situational Awareness
Mike: It's really important for those at home to try to gain some situational awareness regarding their deployed soldier. Talking to other experienced military spouses helps. One of the things to understand is that a soldier needs to stay completely focused on the assignment at hand... not home, not family, not kids, not you... their assignment. If their heads are not intensely focused and in the game, someone can get hurt. Even when a unit is just walking down a road everyone is looking in a prescribed direction for particular things. If one soldier loses intense mental focus and is not looking the right way, you have a sector uncovered. Soldiers are trained to switch off everything else when the mission is on.
Struggles in Switching Modes
Mike: Also, there are times when soldiers don't seem to have much to say. Spouses need to understand that it's hard sometimes to switch back from being warrior to being relational. And sometimes they can't talk about what's going on because it's either too hard on them or they fear it will be too hard on you.
Dawson: Do deployed soldiers typically feel guilty about being away from home and family?
Mike: Mostly they are so engaged with what they're doing that they don't have time for that. But in some cases; yes. If you've got a deployed soldier feeling guilty about being away, the last thing they need to hear is complaining about problems at home.
Focusing on Home can be Difficult
Dawson: While it's difficult for loved ones to understand what their deployed soldier is going through, by comparison, is it much easier for soldiers to understand what it is like at home?
Mike: No, not true at all. Some soldiers have no clue about how difficult it is for those at home. Like I said before, some soldiers have a harder time flipping the mental switch from combat focus to home-life focus. Their life in a combat zone is so intense, fear mixed with exhilaration, a sense of mission accomplishment mixed with the pain of losing a comrade. Problems at home that are huge to their loved ones may seem trivial compared to the combat zone. Again, the more loved ones can gain some situation awareness about these things, the easier deployments will become, particularly combat deployments.
A Suggested Conversation with a Deployed Loved One
Dawson: Do you have suggestions for how loved ones should approach those rare, unscheduled, middle-of-the-night phone calls?
Mike: Maybe something along these lines: Honey, we're okay here. We've had a problem with _____, but we've got it under control. Mom and dad are helping, and so is my brother. The FRG (Family Resource Group) is there when I need to talk about Army stuff. We're all good. I love you (i.e. don't be concerned about me being unfaithful). Be safe, stay focused, we're all going to get through this! (NOTE: TheHopeLine partners with Centerstone Military Services for additional resources for military personnel and their families.)
Strong Spouses and Loved Ones
Dawson: It sounds like the soldiers and their loved ones all have their individual battles to fight.
Mike: Very true. Spouses, parents, children, girlfriends or boyfriends all have different types of battles to fight, but you all go to war together as a team. If you can hang onto that kind of perspective, things are going to be a lot easier. The worst thing is fighting the battle of deployment and fighting one another at the same time.
Check out Nicole's 7 Great Ideas to help your relationship survive military deployment:
"I am in a relationship with a man who his spending the next six months deployed. This is our first deployment as a couple. It is also his last deployment, as he will be retiring following this trip. He has been very open with me about the fact that this will be hard, but we are a strong couple, and not getting through this was never even mentioned as an option. I am very sad, because I hate that we are separated, and I worry about his safety. However, I have been keeping myself busy with ways to cope and it is helping.
Some of the things I did are:"
- I wrote him thirty letters to take with him, made myself a copy of each, and I open one a day also so I remember what I wrote to him.
- I started a journal. It is a great place to vent and talk about/work through my fears.
- I made an awesome Deployment countdown poster and I am crossing off the days.
- I made a list of things I want to do while he is gone.
- I am planning/researching the trip we want to take when he gets home.
- I am keeping a mason jar and popsicle sticks, and every time I think of something I want us to do together, I write it on a popsicle stick and pop it into the jar.
- I plan out care packages with themes, and I will send them over the course of the upcoming months.
"Soooooo, I guess I am hoping this will help those of you who are struggling like me. This sucks, but six or seven months of sadness is a small price to pay for a lifetime of wonderful.
Strength to all!"
Thanks, Nicole, for sharing your ideas!
Military - TheHopeLine.com
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HELP! I am in UK and have recently started chatting to a US soldier after matching on Tinder, he is over here on deployment. We have been communicating via WhatsApp and the conversation has been really easy. I just don't understand why he can send me written messages and not call or video message. He has told me that he has to get permission is this true? I have not had any dealings with the services at all and finding it hard to understand. I want to believe what he is saying. Any advice would be appreciated.
hi - i am in the u.s. a fiance' of soldier in battle zone. He applied for and received a special line to call his mother. but I do not qualify as am not the next of kin.
your soldier is telling you the truth...its very hard, but we have to be satisfied with what we get. we chat on hangouts, but often in the middle of sentence he leaves.... not mad, just something more important has come up. like a bomb or incident. its hard, but if you like this man, hang in there, he is telling you the truth.
Hi Kerrie,
I am a soldier currently deployed in Afghanistan and i communicate with anyone on video chat which is a very common way of communicating in the Military today, if you are receiving an excuse, there is a scammer behind the picture you are communicating with thank you. John
Hi Kerrie, this advice may be a little late and you have likely realized this...but it sounds like a love scam. Soldiers are allowed to talk to and video with their loved ones. I have been single for a while and have encountered several of these scamsters with similar stories. They may be lonely men looking for attention, or they may hit you up for money once they feel you trust them.
All the best,
Lynn
Hi I have been approached by a man claiming to be an American soldier deployed in Afghanistan. I've not heard from him in a few days as he said they were going on a mission. I've now received messages from some doctor saying he's been injured and needs to get home and they will be kicking him out of some hospital, from God knows where, and he needs $1200 to get home. I believe this not to be true. But I have picture of him in hospital and x-ray of his injuries. I know the army would not leave him in limbo. Please advise. I have not sent money as I don't have it. My heart wants to believe but my head says no.
Julie, Trust your instincts on this one. It’s good you are reaching out to ask about this. This is a classic scam to get money from you. You need to block these individuals from messaging you. It saddens us that there are people out there preying on goodhearted people, like you, that wants to believe.
Hello. Its bestvoptiob NO SEND MONEY TO NO OBE. Its just the false informations the military scammers arists do to involve to any person in a love far away situation. Thaa happends to me. After i refused to send $1200, the last messages i receive fro "the soldier" its:
Ok i see all what you say before about you love me so much and you misme so much...ifts falce. Go and have great day with your ex ok, because i know you has another person with you..
Thats all the letters they send and they stop FOR them own the comunications. Please no semd any money to mo one because you will lost it and no have at home "your soldier"
Hello, reading all you guys' comments gives me ease and more confusion at the same time on my situation..
I've been dating a guy in the air force for 6 months now, he left for Afghanistan 2 weeks ago, he was able to text me a message once for 2 days, then it's been a week since last time I spoke with him through call.. but then I see he's been active on his twitter account for the past week I haven't heard from him.. so I'm thinking maybe he has wifi connection but have no cellular signal because I do send him messages of how my day is going on a daily basis..
I'm really confused.. I know they need to focus on their operations but when I see he has time to go on his twitter and like a post follow someone, wouldn't he at least take some time to shoot me an email?? I also don't know how wifi and cell signal work over there..
Them can be in touch OUT FROM SOCIAL MEDIA. The way they use its "HANGOUT" Just texts, not video call, no calls. Best way of contact with them.
I have 2 weeks an soldier ask me to be him girlfriend, after send a lot of questions to soldiers...about if its true i need to send $1200 for another soldier can get an Leave vacation permit.
This soldier answer to me"no directly my main question". Him ask me how much i love to that soldier. I tell him I AM DEEPKY IN LOVE WITH THAT PERSON, BUT IF THAT WHAT HIM ASK ME ABIUT THOSE $1200 ITS FALCE. I DO WILL TAKE OUT HIM FROM MY HEART AND MIND".
This deployes soldiers who i has 2 weeks in contact with say to me: BABY PLEASE FORGET ABOUT THAT FALSE MAN AND NOT SEND MONEY TO HIM OK, I AM HERE AND I WILL TAKA CARE REALLY GOOD OF YOU, MY MISSION DONE IN 3 MONTHS, AFTER IT I RETIRE OF THIS WORK AND WE WE ABLE TO BUILD AN REAL HOME IF YOU ACCET MY 7 YEARS OLD SON, I WORK TO MUCH AT HERE...NOW ITS THE TIME TO FOCUSE ON YOU AND IN MY SON.
And we still in a perfect love comunication, i think thats the best and real soldier. Who not ask for any money.
Kerrie,
All of you NEED to be careful talking to men claiming to be US SOLDIERS DEPLOYED OR OTHER WISE, your first hint will be if they ask you for money! DO NOT SEND THEM MONEY!!
They can SKYPE that’s your other hint, if they say they can’t, if they are in a War area they have Moral tents where they can call out, and be on a safe laptop, but some units ask Soldiers to shut down their Facebook pages while on deployment so if they say that it’s true.
Now let me tell you how to spot the fake Military men.
1) if they ask for money right away
2) If they tell you they are widowers they always say I’m a widow and have a child)
3) if they have a Facebook page that was just made that day or a few days ago
4) if all their Facebook friends are black and are from Nigeria or a like Nigeria country
4b) if on that page their posts aren’t good English or their texts or messages
5) if they never Skype
We as women are targets for these scammers
Be careful, Cher
if you are checking to see his usage, you will drive yourself crazy. you'll start to believe he has another girlfriend, or doesn't care about you. in reality he may be contacting his next of kin or just using some spare time to help ease the situation he is in. I'm an older fiance' and my soldier is in a war zone. At first it was hard to understand why he didn't seem interested in my chatter, but coming here and realizing his life and mine are totally different right now -- well, it helps to hear it from people who have been through this. I have to keep busy with work and hobbies. I never forget him, but contact is up to him, not me. Try to keep your mind occupied with daily things that YOU need to do and good luck for your future.
Currently going through this same situation. Today is his last day of commutation for the next three months. He hasn’t been communicating with me during the times he is able to be on his phone. I feel like I’ve done something wrong or that he is having doubts. It’s hard not to look at his phone usage when I can notice he is preventing himself from talking to me about he feels or wanting to talk to me as much as possible. Feeling alone and lost on what to do or how to know how he’s feeling. Coming on this website has really helped me cope through this situation.. thank you for the encouragement
I know what it's like. I come from a military family. Matter of fact i was born in the military myself. Yes it's hard but you have to realize. They are savings us. It's just la in California they get killed in the street. So really i see no different. War is war. I pray that's what i do. Most of my family is over sea on a sect misson. I would pray for them all.... We are FREE! They aren't 💕🇺🇸💕
My boyfriend of one year today, left for basic about 3 weeks ago. He'll be serving for at least 8 years now. We talked a lot about our relationship before he left and we really want to stay together. I've been having trouble because I already miss him, I miss talking to him and seeing him, and I know there are going to be times ahead where he is gone for 6-7 months at a time. How can I keep from feeling so sad?