An Atheist Finds Answers


If God Really Cared, He Wouldn't Let Bad Things Happen

Five years ago, if you told me I'd be sitting here, telling my story of salvation, I would have laughed right in your face. And I would have told you, you were a crazy Christian. I didn't believe there was hope. I didn't believe in true love. Five years ago, I didn't even believe in myself. I heard people use the term atheist and when I decided I knew what that meant, it just was kind of stuck in the back of my mind. Like, I think that's where I fit better than anything. It was more just, there's no such thing as God. Like if God really cares about people, like all these people say he does, he wouldn't let children starve and cities burned down, and he wouldn't let people get into situations where they hurt each other.

Atheist Who Viewed Christians as Evil

I just thought Christians were meddlers and they took away the rights of people, they were just trying to create this new world order. I really viewed Christians as evil. I became really combative, like I'm not going to let them get away with this. This is a fairy tale. This is crap. Like they cannot just come and fill people's heads with this fantasy. I faced life feeling like every day should be awesome and it should be fun. But I did that with drinking and drugs and boyfriends. And if I died, I was buried, that was all I really believed.

My Best Friend Happened to be a Christian

I met my best friend who happened to be a Christian through a past relationship. She was the first friend that really started to talk about Christianity in a different way to me. I remember she took her jacket off and she had this shirt on with bright pink lettering, it said, Jesus is my homeboy. And I was like, isn't it blasphemous? Can you really say that? And she just lived it. I mean, that was about the closest I'd seen to someone really just demonstrating a love for Christ rather than just duty to him. And man, I just remember thinking like, how am I ever going to be friends with her if we're so divided on these things? I mean, we had debates, we had heated debates. I really let her have it. I was like, that is the craziest hogwash I've ever heard.

Unplanned Pregnancy, I Started to Wonder

Because I knew her personally, I felt like she really did have my best in mind, that she wanted to break through those hard things with me. And in that time, I met a really awesome guy, and we got close, but probably a little too close because I got pregnant only a few months after we met. I decided I've got to get rid of this problem. I went to a clinic and heard any of the options I had. And that was where a lot started to change. There was this picture this woman handed me, and it was just a dot, but she explained to me that that was a baby. I just started to wonder how on earth that was going to become a life. You know, this had to be something bigger than me. Up until then I'd been so snarky to Christians, but I started to lean in a little more and wonder if maybe what they're saying is true.

My Best Friend Cared

My best friend had approached me, she basically said, I understand, you're really struggling for answers right now. She said, I just want to tell you, like, what if you just gave Christianity a try? She says, because I go to church and I pray and you'll never know until you know, but I can tell you there are answers. And she says, if you just gave it one month, just come to church and then you can just say, at least you tried. I realized she cares more about this faith than being a popular friend right now. That said a lot, because we had been through a lot.

Atheist Believing in Science

For some reason, it just felt like if I could just go, maybe I'll hear something or at least I can just be alone for a little bit and think. I hid myself off in the balcony and I actually owned a Bible from all my years of trying to disprove. And the worship team performed Cannons by Phil Wickham. There were certain words I vividly remember reading them on the screen for the first time and just thinking, wow, that's what I feel. You know, having been an atheist and believing in science, to read; the moon and the stars declare who you are.

I was Created and My Baby was Created

It took me away from that happenstance. And it put me in the position that just like I was created and my baby was created, you know, this whole world, this whole universe was created and they all proclaim what a power he is. And on a personal level, you know, it says, I'm so unworthy, but still you love me.

For me, this didn't make any sense. You know, he can redeem good people and people who've made little mistakes and messed up. And didn't say, their thees and thous or something like that. He doesn't redeem women who are pregnant out of wedlock, who have a path of emotional carnage behind them. And the song was just reminding me, you know, even if you're unworthy, he loves you. We're all unworthy. That’s the beauty about grace. It's a gift, you don't get to pick and choose who gets it, you just accept it.

I Finally Accepted Christ

And it was after that song and a really powerful message, I finally accepted Christ. But I remember just sitting there because it wasn't so easy, because I mean, it was almost like, I felt bad for him to have to take on everything I lived. I felt bad that Jesus had to own, like me. And I just remember holding my belly and holding my breath. And I just said, are you sure that you want to save this one? Are you sure? I mean, I called him names. I laughed behind his back. I mocked him in public and I realized I'm no different than all those people that were right in front of him as he bled. And if he went for them, he went for me too.

My Faith is so Big

It's a struggle to believe every single day that Jesus really did die for me. And when someone challenges what I believe now, I remember being that person. I remember taking any opportunity I had to just stick it to the Christians. But now, I mean, my faith is so big. It's like, I know where you've been, I know that feeling and I promise if you give me just a few minutes, I'll talk about it with you. I try to just get them one step closer, one question closer. As much as I know about what it's done for me, it's worth a shot to try to get them to come over too.

TheHopeLine Team
For over 30 years, TheHopeLine has been helping students and young adults in crisis. Our team is made up of writers and mental health professionals who care deeply about helping others.
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