You messed up...you cheated on your partner. What you do next could make all the difference, and you have a lot of options. For example, you could wallow in your own guilt and shame, or, the opposite, you could blame everyone else for your actions. You could give up on the relationship and run, or you could attempt to restore what’s been broken.
There are many scenarios…some better than others, so here are some things to consider as you look to the future.
1.You don’t have to assume the relationship is over. If you decide to immediately run from the relationship, you are avoiding taking any responsibility. It’s really a cop out. Maybe the relationship won’t last, but it very well could. And it might even end up stronger on the other side, if you are BOTH willing to work at it.
2. Acknowledge you messed up and seek forgiveness. You have created a problem in the relationship. You have broken trust and caused another person to perhaps feel unloved or not good enough. Sure, there may be deeper problems between you and your partner, but the fact remains your infidelity was a betrayal of your commitment.
3. End all communication with the person you cheated with. This probably goes without saying, but if you want any chance of restoring your relationship, you need to cut ALL ties with the person you cheated with. This will demonstrate to your partner that you are serious about saving your relationship and committed to them alone.
4. Give your partner time to heal. Realize that you have wounded them deeply and it will take time for them to forgive you and learn to trust you again. Don’t insinuate that they should “be over it” by now.
5. Answer their questions honestly. As you work to gain their trust back it is important to be absolutely transparent and willing to talk about what happened. Try to view what happened through their eyes and what you might want to know and how you might feel if the tables were turned.
Whether the relationship survives or not, let’s consider how you, personally, can move forward. You don't want to go through this again. You want to heal from the past and have meaningful relationships in the future.
1. Figure out why you did it. There could be many reasons – it could be because of something missing in your relationship, or something missing within yourself. It could be the situation you allowed yourself to be in. Regardless, no one is to blame for the fact that you gave in to the temptation of cheating except for you. It is important to figure out what is at the root of your behavior so you can keep it from happening again.
2. Don’t let this mistake define you. It’s commonly said, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” However, this doesn’t have to be true. If you decide you want to change, you can, especially if you seek God’s help. He wants to help you conquer the temptations you face in life. There is a great song by 10th Avenue North that says, “You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.” I love this line because you don’t need to continually label yourself as a “cheater,” you are so much more.
3. Accept you can’t go back in time. To obsess over wanting a “do-over”, isn’t going to change anything. At some point you need to accept what’s done is done. Now it is time to learn from it and move forward. Wallowing in regret does not make you a pleasant person to be around and it keeps you from investing in the lives of others because you are too focused on yourself.
4. Forgive yourself. No one is better at beating yourself up than you. It is good to realize how much you hurt another person, and feel deeply sorry about it, but at some point, you need to forgive yourself. It is not healthy to hate yourself or think you need to continually suffer for what you did. Forgiveness is giving up your desire to make someone pay for what they did. When you forgive yourself, you are saying, I know what I did was wrong, but I will stop punishing myself for it, so that I can move forward and be a better person.
5. Accept God’s forgiveness. Confess your sin to God and then accept his forgiveness. Did you sin? Sure. Was it bad and did it hurt others? Sure. Does that mean God can’t or won’t forgive you? Absolutely not. God is longing to forgive you. For you to keep dwelling on your sin and believing it’s too much for God to forgive is insulting to God. It’s like you are saying to God, “I know you sent your son, Jesus, to die on a cross so that he could pay for the burden of my sin, and I can be forgiven, but that’s not enough for me. My sin is too big for that.” God says it is enough! Believe that! Rest assured that he has removed your sins from you as far as the east is from the west.
Breaking the chains of love addiction might be one of the most difficult battles to fight. True, there is no physical withdrawal from breaking love addiction. But the emotional effects of trying to break away are all but overwhelming. Love addiction attacks us at the core of our being. It touches our heart, the very seat of our emotions and affections. There may be nothing more powerful in our lives than the desire to love and be loved. That is why it is so important we take care of our hearts, and not go crazy trying to meet our deepest needs in ways that can be destructive for a lifetime.
Last week, we talked about the words of King Solomon when he said, Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. How I wish each of us had heeded the words of the wisest man in the Bible. How many tearful nights and broken hearts could have been saved. There have been literally millions of people who have ruined their lives with destructive relationships, all the while thinking they had found love and sold their souls to keep it.
Some of the signs of love addiction are:
Mariah said, "I got out of rehab for heroin and replaced that habit with what I now know is love addiction. I had never heard of this term before tonight. I listened to your radio show, and realized that I am most definitely a love addict. My boyfriend is abusive, but I am a slave to him, and for the most part, I don't care. I am terrified of being alone." She is honest about moving from one addiction (heroin) to another (love addiction).
So what can we do to break this love addiction that's not really love at all? Real love never destroys, but only builds up.
What do I mean when I say, we must OWN our addictions? According to the dictionary, one definition of to own is, to acknowledge or to admit. To break the cruel chains of love addiction, one must acknowledge and admit he/she is a full-blown love addict.
To break the cruel chains of love addiction, one must acknowledge and admit he/she is a love addict. That means there's no denial, cover-up, pretending, or head games with ourselves. It means to agree from the very core of our being that love addiction has taken over our lives. This is never easy to do.
Amy said, "I believe it is hard for people to admit due to the fact that they may not see it. Once they do that's when their world comes crashing down. No one wants to believe they are with someone due to trying to run and/or hide from deep emotions." When we own our addiction, we are saying some pretty tough things about ourselves.
1. No one wants to own the fact their life may be sadly empty.
None of us want to admit that due to our past or bad choices we often feel dead inside and only have a sense of being alive when we have the excitement of a boyfriend/girlfriend.
2. No one wants to own the fact they were the victim of early abandonment when they were children.
Almost all love addicts were in some way abandoned by their caretakers when they were young. Just the thought of being abandoned and not being able to do anything about it can lead them to panic, fear, rage, and despair.
3. No one wants to own the fact they have been living in a fantasy world.
Most all love addicts live in a fantasy world, and in that fantasy there is someone who will rescue them or make them feel completely loved, protected, secure, and full of value. Healthy relationships are wonderful and a gift from God, but no relationship can meet all those needs. As I say to callers on my radio show, There is no Santa Claus, or Easter Bunny, and no boyfriend/girlfriend can meet your deepest needs. It is so very difficult to let go of your fantasies and admit they weren't true and will never happen.
I have listed just a few of the facts we must own in order to break the chains of love addiction.
You can get free from love addiction. But it takes some deep looking and understanding how we may have lost guard of our hearts in the past. Find out more here.
I’d rather do what’s hard and find joy and purpose, then do what’s easy and become miserable and discontent. I made a decision to study English and Writing, and a career in writing puts you in a tough market. It took me about a year to do something that relates to my degree.
Now, I’m an editor for blogs, articles, podcasts, and much more! I am thankful for my occupation. I work while experiencing chronic pain in my bones and muscles. I tend to push through the pain to finish each day. I went through this same pain while I was in college. While enrolled in college, I dealt with chronic pain, depression, sleeplessness, and other issues. I remember a time when I walked into the dean’s office with doctor notes and papers in my hand. I begged for in-completes to finish school.
Sometimes, I did not finish classes until the semester after final grades were posted (due to leniency from my academic college). I worked on assignments from previous semesters while others were enjoying the break. I went through many dark seasons. I remember when I saw a school counselor, a Christian counselor, and met with a professor once a week for support.
Although school has always been difficult for me, the rewarding experiences made every struggle worth it. I made friendships with people that I am still in contact with. I became a resident assistant and I planned creative programs for students on campus. I joined different clubs and activities. I became the president of a spoken word organization. I had many hilarious and thought-provoking conversations in the cafeteria. I wouldn’t trade my college experience for anything.
The good, the bad, and the ugly taught me about a life beyond grades or a textbook. I learned that life is the ultimate test, and you study it through trial and error, ups and downs, and refusing to crumble. When I was in high school, I wanted to drop out. When I was in college, I had moments where I wanted to quit but I didn’t quit. I kept going.
After having my fair share of triumphs and trials, I have a few words of advice to encourage anyone who has a desire to go to college or is tempted to quit in the process.
I graduated from Kennesaw State University. I studied Literature and Professional Writing and received a Bachelor of Science in Integrative Studies. Me, being someone who struggled in school since the time I was a kid, graduated on the Dean’s list! I remember experiencing abuse in the classroom. I remember times in grade school when my teacher wanted to hold me back because my reading level was too low. I remember times in college when I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even lift my body off the floor! Yet, I finished because I am an overcomer, and you are too!
I’ve accomplished many things in life because of God’s grace and favor. God’s grace brought me through this far and it is God’s love that has made me an overcomer.
The bottom line is this: “Fall seven times and stand up eight.” It’s not about how many times you fall down in life. Get back up. Your future is bright if you refuse to give up. Don’t stress out too much about the destination (your graduation date) - the most important treasure you have is the special experiences you create along the way. You’ll laugh at your best memories and your worst memories will make a fighter out of you. Every moment will serve its purpose and you’ll be grateful for each lesson you learn.
So, let go, smile, and enjoy the ride because the journey you’re on is worth it!
Cynthia Giles is a spoken word artist, published writer, and speaker with a heart to make a difference in her lifetime. She is passionate about inspiring people all over the world through the arts! She believes It only takes 1 voice to change a life. If you change a life, you change a community. If you change a community, you change the world. Cynthia has been on a radio program broadcasting in several countries (93.3 FM and 91.5 FM). She has spoken to nearly 1,000 high school students, opened up for an Emmy Award-winning journalist, and spoken at a Writer’s Conference with an Author’s Guild and so much more. To learn more about Cynthia or see more of her spoken word, visit her at: cynthiasinspirations.com
In my blog How to Stop Lying I listed eight things you can do to help break the bad habit of lying.
But I don’t just want to give you tips on how to stop lying. I want to motivate you by giving you two very important reasons WHY you should stop.
First of all, NOBODY wants to be friends with a liar because liars can’t be trusted, and they hurt other people with their lies…often in order to protect themselves. If you desire any REAL relationships in your life, you need to be trustworthy.
Second, liars will eventually get caught, and deservedly so. Lying is a destructive force and it will catch up to you.
In fact, I want to use the rest of this blog to help protect people from liars. Below is a list of a number of signals to watch for if you think someone may be lying. It’s not going to be completely possible to know every time someone lies, but there are definite signs that should send up a red flag.
Ericka told me about some of the pain caused by the lying of her ex-husband: I have two young children (3 & 1) and just left their father because he was addicted to gambling. I always thought that cheating would be the worst, but I soon discovered that along with gambling came lie after lie. Our relationship was never going to improve without trust. Discovering his lying earlier could possibly have saved Ericka and her children some needless pain. Would that be possible? I believe it is possible by figuring out how to know if someone is lying.
Lying is a stressful behavior, and it causes people to act differently when they lie.
We’ve all seen people take lie detector tests on TV or in the movies. It is an effective instrument, not because it can tell right from wrong, but because it can reveal when a person’s body is reacting in a stressful manner. Because lying is so wrong, it can cause stressful behavior, showing signs we can detect through body language.
It is important to learn to read body language. How does a person act in normal circumstances? Notice normal eye, hand and body movements, and facial expressions during regular conversation. Then you will better notice when the body language changes…showing the stress of lying.
One of the easiest and best ways to tell if someone is lying is by looking into their eyes. Most people who are lying have a difficult time holding eye contact with the person they’re lying to. Jenna agrees: It is hard to tell when people are lying to you. But in my case, I found that when someone is lying, they don’t give you eye contact.
How to Catch a Liar:
You’re not always going to be able to discover if a person is lying to you, but usually if it feels like a lie, it almost always is.
My desire is to help both those who lie and those who have been lied to. I care for you equally. So, it is my hope that if you are in the habit of lying you will stop and think twice. Know that your lies will ruin friendships and you will eventually get caught. And if you believe you are being lied to, trust your gut and confront the person you believe is being dishonest. It will be best for both of you in the long run.
The deeper we have gone into the subject of lying, the more we see how much pain and stress it causes everyone involved. Sadly, all of us have been affected by lying, whether our own or someone else's. I've been encouraged by those who have been helped by these blogs and want to live an honest life.
Lying is extremely stressful. It causes you to be constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering who might be finding you out. You're always running through the lies you've told in your head, trying to keep track of what you've told to which person, and what's the next lie you need to tell. When you're honest, you don't have those worries, or the negative consequences of your lies.
Sarah added: When you're honest, you don't feel so lost all the time.
Roselyn commented: I can say that not lying is a very relaxing way of life. The fact you don't have to worry about remembering old lies or getting in trouble later on for lying puts a lot more relief in your life. Even when it's hard, telling the truth always has the better outcome than a bunch of lies.
People are constantly looking to see who they can trust and who they can't. People are actually much more perceptive and aware of who tells the truth and who doesn't. Over time, honesty shows itself as a trait that is beautiful and deeply respected. As you begin to live lie-free, you will begin to see people will trust and respect you more and more.
If you resist the temptation to lie, you increase your capacity to build lasting relationships of trust. This is true in all our relationships whether it's dating, family, friends, or at work. Macey put it so well: The truth always comes around. It's always best to be honest it makes any and every relationship strong and healthy. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying.
Integrity is a word few uses, and less understand. Yet if you, have it, it is priceless. If you are a person of integrity, it means your walk matches your talk...you do what you say you're going to do, and when you say something, people know you mean what you say. It means you can be trusted. The opposite of integrity is hypocrisy...saying one thing and doing another.
Someone commented about the value of being honest: I used to lie a lot. I would lie only because it was easier than explaining the truth. And I have finally grown to realize that it's easier to [be honest]. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying. My parents trust me, and I feel good about myself. And when you feel good about yourself then you know that everything is okay. This person has come to realize the pain of hypocrisy and the joy of integrity. When we tell the truth and live it, we become emotionally and spiritually stronger every day.
I want to offer up a challenge to all of us. Would you be willing to commit to a life of honesty and integrity? If you're up for this life-changing challenge, please write me a comment below, and tell a friend about your commitment, too.
Hi. I'm writing from Brazil, I want to tell my story as a thank you to everyone who helped me along the way, including myself. I used to cut myself in the arms when I was a teenager...for years. One day, my friend beg me to stop, so at first I did it for her, then for myself.
Now, years later, it is almost my birthday again and as a gift for me, I wanted to help a stranger, maybe someone who going through the same thing as I did. So I was looking for forums to share my testimony and found TheHopeLine. I admire your work and I'm very happy that people like you exist.
Just want to tell others that when you're think you're alone in life, you're not!
Maybe there's a person in another country thinking the same thing as you, so, I know it's hard, but you can do it, you will survive! And maybe years later from now you'll be the grateful person talking about how you are now fine...with scars, but fine.
Thank you.
~Koriander
Related Posts:
A Door of Hope
Why Do People Self-Harm?
Real Story: Artist Michaela Hatfield
How To Quit Cutting
I started cutting when I was 11. My scars faded away over the years because I hadn't really cut deep enough to leave any big scars. It's gotten worse though. I'm now 16, and I've felt the urge to cut even more. More. More. More. Break-ups, family issues, school issues and just... everyday sadness is what drives me to do so. I know there are others but I felt like there was no one else to turn to...not even my own mother, or anyone in my family. I even thought about committing suicide a few times....only tried once though.
To be honest, I feel like such a coward, that was...until I found TheHopeLine.com.
They've helped me realize that there are people out there that actually do care. I'm glad I gave them a chance.
~Ari
There is help for self-harm. Whether you reach out to a friend, chat with TheHopeLine, or start by downloading our free eBook:
We’ve all been there. It starts off with a, “Hey! We really need to talk.” Then a few minutes pass and you’re confronted with this awkward pseudo-question, “But I hope we can still be friends…?”
This isn’t another post about, why things didn’t work out. You’ve probably had enough of that already. No one plans on getting dumped. No one even expects it! But if you’re scrolling through Facebook broken-hearted, and trying to cope, we want you to know… we feel you.
1. LET IT ALL OUT
It’s okay to cry. Some of us are afraid to let it all out because we want to believe we are still in control. Like there’s an unsaid competition to see who takes the breakup the hardest. Listen: no one wins. Breakups are messy inside and out.
Think about it this way: someone who was once a part of your life has just decided not to be. Yikes! That’s a pretty heavy blow for anyone, and that’s something that is out of our control. If I was hit by a car on Thursday, I wouldn’t be at work on Friday pretending like nothing happened. So why is it, that culturally, we are forced to get up and walk off our heartbreak?
2. BURN IT ALL
Okay, okay. We’re not telling you to commit a felony (especially if your ex went to law school). However, we have to recognize that burning is a metaphor for something deeper. It’s a way of reinforcing the fact that it’s really over. Nothing is worse than being stuck in a relationship with the ghost of your ex.
3. FIND OUT WHO YOU WERE BEFORE
Being in a relationship shouldn’t change you, right? I mean if someone really loves you they should love you for who you are; the good, the bad, and the ugly… Right? So then why do we change? Where do we go wrong?
The truth is, relationships are not about change but exchange.
When we decide to be with someone we undoubtedly invite them to influence us. That doesn’t mean they control us, but instead we allow ourselves to be re-positioned when the need arises. We all want love to flow through our relationships, however, sometimes we can become the hindrance to that goal.
So then, are you still functioning like you’re in a relationship? If so, remember who you were before you got into a relationship and simply readjust.
4. AVOID TALKING TO THEIR FRIENDS
We all get tempted to talk to our ex’s friends. Sometimes it’s because we legitimately have a lot more in common with them. Other times, it’s simply because they’re cuter. Whatever the case: Just don't do it!
This isn’t Nike, and Kevin Durant is not your friend…
Nothing is more tempting than talking about your ex when you’ve just broken up. Talking to your ex’s friends can easily become a way of accessing their lives when your ex has already decided not be a part of yours. It’s low! Even if you’re not trying to get information and you legitimately want to get to know an ex’s friend, give it a few weeks. Intentionally seeking out an ex’s friend after a breakup can be misinterpreted easily, and nothing can be a bigger put-off.
5. DON’T REBOUND. RETHINK
Believe it or not, rebounding isn’t going to get rid of the pain and disappointment you may be feeling. Instead, reconsider your relationship.
Take the good things and celebrate them. Take the bad things, reassess them, and take responsibility for your part. That doesn’t mean you have to send a massive text-apology to your ex, or you need to call them up.
6. HAVE FUN!
Take some time to not think about your breakup. Go have fun! Enjoy your friends, family, and the outdoors. Try taking a new class, going to a concert, or starting a new project. Whatever the case, give yourself permission to be happy again.
7. STOP
Stop reflecting. Stop reassessing. Stop wondering what your life would have been like if you were both still together. You deserve to be happy.
If you can’t stop thinking about your ex then talk to a close friend or mentor Chat with a HopeCoach about it. You are the deciding factor when it comes to the kind of man or woman you want to be, and no past relationship has the right to control your future.
Originally published at Moral Revolution
Moral Revolution promotes a culture of love, honor, and respect by imparting vision, restoring wholeness, and empowering choice!
If you need help forgiving yourself or your ex, check this out:
Any destructive habit leads to painful consequences. When we choose to lie, we choose to suffer. Think how much better off we’d be if we would stop lying and live in the truth. Listen to the words of Jennifer: "I was lied to my whole life by my mother…every day it was something new. After living with her for 14 years, I sometimes find myself exaggerating, and making up stories to seem cool. I don’t ever want to be like my mother, so how do I stop before I hurt my family, friends, and myself?"
Jennifer realizes lying can go from one generation to the next. One hurt person will then hurt another person because the curse of lying is not stopped.
Once we see how easy it can be to lie and to control what other people think about us, we start sliding down that slippery slope leading to a miserable, addicted place.
So, the most important question we can ask today is: How do we stop lying?
1. Admit you have a problem.
This is always the first, biggest, and most difficult step. Find someone you trust and tell them about your lying habit…no matter how big or small you think the problem is. The fact is you don’t want to lie anymore, but you can’t stop lying on your own. You need help to stay accountable. Megan said: "When I met the man who is now my husband, I knew I needed to work on [my lying] because I wanted/needed to be completely truthful with him. I told him that I wanted his help, and was amazed that he loved me enough to stick with me (even the few times I lied to him) and fight it out with me."
2. Remind yourself how lying messes up your life.
Lying destroys relationships and adds a tremendous burden to your life. Understanding that there will be consequences is a powerful deterrent in breaking the habit of lying. Phillip suffered the consequences of his lying in a big way: "I used to lie all the time, and I would normally end up getting caught in the end. It took me going to prison to find out that the truth is a much better way to go than to lie about everything. Take the time to think about what the consequences are going to be of what I say or are about to do?"
3. Try to figure out what pressured you to lie.
What were you trying to hide? What would have been a better way, to tell the truth? For example, all addicts feel they must lie to cover up their addiction. The more they cover up their addiction, the better they get at lying and deceiving. Almost every lie has a reason behind it. Wrong actions almost always lead to lies. The reason Hannah lies is to control people around her. That in itself can be an addiction. "I try not to lie but if I see someone that I like pulling away from me because they think I’m weird I’ll start telling lies to get me closer to them. I end up living this horrible lie."
4. Tell someone when you lie.
Admitting a lie can make a world of difference, and while it might hurt your pride, it’s far better than being a liar. Even better, confess to the person you lied to immediately and seek their forgiveness. This is humbling, but it will cause you to stop and think before you tell another lie. Someone once said Confession is good for the soul. And it is also good at helping us break bad habits.
It would also be wise to confess your lying before God. After all, He’s heard every lie you’ve ever told. And when you confess, you can also ask God to help you break the habit. The Bible promises God will always show us a way out:
"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13.
God actually has a lot to say about lying in the Bible. Check out these Verses of Hope for Lying.
5. Be realistic about what you promise to others.
Deliberately broken promises are lies that lead to broken hearts. If you promise to do something and never intend to follow through, that is a lie. Additionally, many lies begin as a way to cover up the fact we can’t possibly do everything we promised we were going to do. Be honest about what you’re capable of doing, admitting to yourself and others your limitations, and you won’t feel a need to lie.
6. Talk to others about their expectations of you.
If you find yourself lying to cover up how you have fallen short of others expectations of you have a conversation with your parents, friends, or teachers in order to come to an agreement about what is reasonable for them to expect. Don’t sell yourself short. You may not be expecting enough of yourself, but an open discussion to get everyone on the same page is important.
7. Practice telling the truth.
When you start to feel the urge to lie, stop and think for a moment. Think about what the other person would feel about you if they knew you were lying. Think about how you would feel if people lied to you all the time. And then, as painful as it may seem, tell the truth. The more we tell others the truth, the easier it is to continue to do it. Lying is a bad habit. Telling the truth is a good habit. Work on breaking your bad habit by replacing it with a good one. Angel said: "It spreads like wildfire when someone is caught lying. Then when the person is actually telling the truth, no one will believe them because they have told so many lies. For the sake of your family, friends, and loved ones, always tell the truth even if you are afraid of the outcome!”
8. Commit to a life of honesty, at all costs.
Telling the truth might be horribly uncomfortable for you, but you’re starting to walk down a path of honesty and integrity, turning yourself into the person you desire to be. If you don’t know the answer to a question, don’t lie and make something up. Say, I don’t know. The freedom of the truth will be liberating.
Let’s be honest…it is going to be very difficult to stop lying. Claudia admitted: "I have learned that when you start lying it is hard to stop. It takes a lot of hard work and determination to get over a habit that has been a big part of your life."
However, as you wake up to the reality of what you’re saying and doing and put a stop to the lies you are telling, you will soon reap the benefits of living a peaceful life. I promise, if you put forth an effort to stop this toxic and destructive habit right now, you’ll be grateful forever.
Leave a comment below. I’d love to hear what you think are some of the rewards of being honest?
For more help to stop lying check out, Top Two Reasons You Should Stop Lying Plus How Liars Get Caught.
