Dawson’s Blog

Your BF/GF is Cheating on You…Now What?

You Know They Are Cheating On You, But What Are You Going To Do?

cheating on youIf you have ever uncovered the painful truth that the person you feel you love is cheating on you, you probably asked yourself:What am I supposed to do now? What should my response be to this betrayal? There is no doubt a wide range of confusing emotions flooding through you. All these feelings make it very difficult to make any kind of wise decision on what to do next. So don’t react too quickly.

Let’s begin with looking at what cheating is and is NOT

What Is Cheating?

It’s important to understand that there are different kinds of behavior people call cheating, some of which is not cheating at all. For example, if someone asks you out just once, and then soon after asks someone else out, that’s not cheating. That’s simply dating. Believe me, there’s nothing wrong with dating around.

On the other hand, if you have been dating that person for a while and you both commit to dating exclusively, and that person dates someone else behind your back, that’s cheating. Obviously, if someone says Will you be my fiance?, and you accept, and then they date behind your back, that’s cheating. If the person you are dating for some time has sex, or inappropriate sexual behavior with another person, that’s cheating.

Related Posts:
How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak
Sex And Father Hunger
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

So what should you do when you know your bf/gf is cheating on you?

Three Steps To Protect Yourself:

    1. The first thing you need to do is wait.  Don’t do anything. Let your feelings calm down. Regardless of what you have discovered, there’s no need to go around trashing the person who’s cheated on you, or even the one he/she did it with. Stay above the betrayal. Don’t let the lies and deceit of your bf/gf drag you down into the gutter with them. Keep your deep sense of personal dignity and healthy self-worth. You only make matters worse by acting out of anger and confusion. Don’t tell the world you’ve been violated.
    2. Surround yourself with good friends and wise counselors who can help you sort through your emotions and discover what has actually taken place. Get your friends and others you trust to quietly uncover what has been happening behind your back. Usually your friends are the first to know. These people are priceless to you because you can talk through your emotions with them. Left to yourself, you will only get caught in a circle of confusion, hurt, and resentment.
    3. Confront your bf/gf in private.  Confrontation is never easy, but you will never get to the bottom of what has happened or begin healing until you have talked with your cheating bf/gf. Sometimes you feel like causing a big scene to bring shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.

Tips for Confronting the Cheater

  1. It’s very important to have a confrontation face-to-face if possible. Body language (facial expressions, etc.) will tell you a lot.
  2. Make sure you have the facts before the confrontation. If you try to confront without evidence, you will most likely be lied to or stir up deep resentment in the person you are accusing. The person being confronted often blames you for the very thing he/she has done. This is the kind of experience Kristy had:I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. It was a break-up/make-up relationship. He would do something wrong, like cheat, and somehow blame it on me; make me feel like it was my fault that he cheated, that somehow I drove him to it. Then he’d break up with me, and a few days later, we’d get back together.
  3. While confronting, deal with the source of the problem, your bf/gf, and don’t focus on the person they’ve cheated with. Sometimes you feel like bringing shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.
  4. Try to discover if your cheating bf/gf is truly repentant for what he/she has done. Some people are just sorry because they got caught. It will take time for you to know whether or not your bf/gf is truly sorry for their betrayal of you.
  5. Some people when confronted become defensive, belligerent, and angry. That is a good sign they have no intention of ever getting back with you again. See their reaction for what it is. Sometimes it’s just better to walk away and stay away.

Should you Save the Relationship?

Deciding whether or not you are going to try and salvage the relationship could be one of the most important decisions you will ever make.

Consider a time-out from your relationship.  A time-out will give you a chance to get wise counsel from other people and decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving.

Don’t make the mistake of KT: My ex boyfriend was a jerk and treated me so badly. He’d call me names and he’d cheat on me and give me the guilt trip saying, I will never find anyone like him or even as good as him cause he is that unique. All my friends told me to leave him. They said a good guy will come along when he comes along, but I didn’t listen to my friends, even though they have given me very good advice for two years now. I just didn’t listen cause my ex boyfriend sort of brain washed me in a way. Now that I understand and accept it, I am doing so much better.

Know it will take time for the relationship to heal, if it ever does. Trust has been shattered and recovering trust takes a long time. If you decide the relationship is salvageable, your cheating bf/gf will have to be patient for you to trust them again. But eventually you will need to forgive them and learn to trust.

The Relationship Can’t be Saved. Now What?

If you decide the relationship cannot be healed or mended, take some off from dating to find yourself and allow yourself to become stronger. Some relationships cannot be saved no matter what you do. So don’t bring unnecessary drama and needless hurt into your life by not letting go.

Steven said something incredible when he commented: Everybody has free will and [my girlfriend] had the will to cheat as she pleases and I can’t change that. But I also have free will. The free will to not give her power over me and to move on to lead a productive life. The people who loved me and the ones I loved were counting on me. I dropped my pride and cried out for help.

Know your own self-worth and cry out for the help you need. You are worth it!

Check out my other blogs that might help you if you’ve just been cheated on:
Moving Past Relationship Mistakes
He Cheated On You: 6 Things Not To Do
How To Know It’s Really Love
Getting Over a Broken Heart

Free eBook! Relationships and Cheating from TheHopeLine

Dawson McAllister Dawson McAllister (born in New Kensington, Pennsylvania) is an American speaker, radio host, and author. He is the founder of Dawson McAllister Association and TheHopeLine and host of the national radio program Dawson McAllister Live, which is aired on Sunday nights. Dawson has been speaking to and in support of teenagers and young adults for over 40 years.
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  • merlene kerr

    when a guy love his phone ,whenever a text comes in he hides while he is textin so I cant see..

  • merlene kerr

    and its not like I can read it because he always delete his text..it kills me when he does these things

  • swati

    I have a bought that my bf cheat on my back side . N when ever m trying to talk about this he start crying in front of me n said no m not cheating on you m seriously love u n all that . Plz tell me what to do . M emotionally confused . There is a war between my heart n my brain .

  • Kyle Kieffer

    Dating someone for about 2 months and decided to move in with her since her and i BOTH thought things were going so well. Had a trip planned to a convention before I started dating her so i could really back out of it. Found out that while i was going t be on this trip, she was going to cheat with me with some other guy. Confronted her about it and I forgave her. Month or two goes by, saw that she was sending pics to some random guy, and then while I had some family issues happening at the moment and I was off trying to mend them, she wanted to visit the same guy from before to cheat on me. I love this lady, she keeps planning our future together, saying what we should do, what we will do in the future, but three times, and I still forgave her…will she really do it again?

  • Dawson

    Got a msg from a random girl and guy saying my gf cheated idk what to do I asked her about it but she said it wasn’t true..they where snapchats between them

  • jessie

    my boyfriend of 9 years acts like he is single on Facebook and will ask anybody out on it, even his sister trys to get him with her friends. i can’t take it no more! when I told him I know what he’s up to, he says to stay out of his business :(. we met in middle school and I never been with anyone else. I love him so much!! this makes me not want to live anymore…

    • Big Boss Rogers

      Yea I bet his friends list private is 2! Same boat just opposite Honestly im sure your a beautiful female that a man will swoop you up in seconds! Hol ya head up baby girl!

  • Jason

    I am 37, my gf is 25.. I recently had suspicions that my gf cheated on me with one of her work guy friends.. I confronted him.. He came clean and told me it happened a couple times.. I confronted my gf about it about 2 weeks ago, we talked for hours about it.. I was crushed!! I haven’t been no angel my entire life but she is one woman that ive been truly faithful to.. I can’t stop thinking about this everyday.. Knowing that she did this to me.. I want to move past this, I told her that I want this relationship.. she seems genuinely upset about this and wants to move on with our relationship. I just don’t know how to move on from this.. Any and all advice would help!!

  • We are hurting with you. Stay strong. You deserve so much better! Chat with us online anytime, we are here for you! http://www.thehopeline.com/GetHelp/

  • Ryan

    My gf and I have been together for eight months now. She admitted to saying that she loved her ex during our fourth month and then she told another ex she had feelings for him during our seventh. Idk what to do Bc I love her so much. Please help

  • khin

    Me n my bf almost 3 yrs in love .but now he saying that he don’t need me anymore.i think he have another lover..wht should I do.i don’t know..I love him alot .now adays i crying n mad .should I make new bf to make him jealous?plz help me.😢

  • Raj,

    Our chat system can translate many languages. Please chat with a HopeCoach about what is going on with you ex. We are here to listen and help. http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp.

  • Siphesihle

    its either u lve her or u leave her alone shame in this one

  • NelxonT

    Leave her. There is nothing much to be said here. If she had respect for you and your common well-doings, then the second man wouldn’t even exist. Face the truth that there are endless opportunities out there to meet your true love.

  • Devin

    I have been dating this girl and I went to see family for a week and she texts me that she was unfaithful in our relationship and that she kissed another guy. I was enraged but I didn’t let her she it. I love her so much and I would do anything to make it work between us. She says she is really sorry and that she needs time to gather herself, I am worried so bad. She said that wile she gathers herself we aren’t dating and that she wants me to be there for her when she is ready, but I might just be assuming the worst but I think this whole “gathering myself” thing is her trying to get with the other guy, because we aren’t dating and it won’t be cheating and she wants to come back to me when it doesn’t work out. I love her so much and I would do anything for her. I need her in my life and I need help. What should I do?

  • Bill

    I love how the author’s first advice is not to tell anyone. Keeping your partner’s infidelity secret only helps them maintain a veneer of normality and hurts you instead. What garbage.

    • I am sorry you misunderstood Dawson’s advice. Part one is about protecting your own self-worth and Dawson suggests finding people you can trust to talk to about what happened, “Surround yourself with good friends and wise counselors who can help you sort through your emotions and discover what has actually taken place.” HopeCoaches are available on chat 24/7.

  • Will

    My girlfriend of two years cheated on me with my friend for a year. She can’t face me to talk about why she did it

  • Dan


  • John

    Just found out my girlfriend is cheating things have been difficult for a while and she left her facebook on and I found messages she gave me her password for her facebook and email address just a couple on months ago when she had a stroke and i nursed her back to health I got into serious finical difficulty since I had a lot of time off work and walking a thin line now with my bosses. She has bipolar and it could be down to that but seen she’s on pof and free dating as well as sleeping with her ex. I just don’t know what to do due to her instability she was abused by her ex husband as was her 2 children who look up to me as a father. We’ve been together for almost 3 years and have been engaged we announced it when she had the stroke but she recently called it off saying she’s scarred about getting tied down again. Any ideas about what to do as I don’t want to lose her and with her bipolar it may calm down again and settle but things are difficult at the moment.

    • I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound like a really stable and loyal person. This is a lot for one person to handle. You can chat with us anytime 24/7 and we can help you sort through some solutions. We are here for you – http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/

  • Stacey

    My fiance cheated on me last summer. We have been together for 10 years, engaged for 4. We have 2 children together, and his 2 children from a previous marriage live with us also. He confessed that he cheated on me and that the girl was pregnant. I told him I was willing to work on our relationship and forgive him. He told me he had feelings for her, and was not in love with me anymore. She ended up having a miscarriage a few months later, and he assured me that they were just gonna be friends, they also worked together. I was not ok with that and just had to deal with it as I was willing to do anything to make it work. He told me last December that he wasnt communticating with her anymore, they were just coworkers. It was very hard and there have been lots of fights and arguments. Then 2 months ago she contacted me on facebook and told me they were still seeing each other and screenshotted tons of text messages. He told her he loved her, and was still sleeping with her the entire time. I am very hurt and dont know if i can trust him again. He has lied to me this entire time. He begged me for another chance and told me I am the one he wants to be with. Im not convinced that hes not still talking to her. She no longer works with him. I dont know what to do or believe anymore.

  • Ham

    I was moving my girlfriend’s phone off the bed the other night when I noticed a reply to a Craigslist ad she posted for Feb and I’m pretty tore up I don’t know what I should do next monthwould be four years and we live together how do I confront her

  • hope

    My fiance and i have been together for about almost 3 years. We were suppose to get married in December. Our relationship for about a year was pretty unhealty. i never wanted to leave and neither did she. I never treated her right and disrespected her on countless occasions and never would listen to her. The night of my birthday i had pushed her and humilated her infront of all of our friends. A few days later she said she couldnt take it anymore and left. There was alot of grey area. Well while she was gone she ended up meeting someone. I found the evidence a few weeks after my birthday. We continued to stay separated but she said she wanted to work it out and go to counseling. I recently found out durning the time we were still apart but after i found out she cheated on me, she sent the girl flowers. She is living back home now and we are still going to counseling. She said she has completley cut it off with the girl but i just dont know and im very hurt

  • Gill

    My girlfriend cheated on me at a work party extremely drunk with a coworker and I don’t know what to do

  • Jason Chettri

    i had a perfect relationship of 3 & half years and then she went to calcutta for her studies and i was all alone i felt like i was left out and after few months she started to ignore me she blocked me in instagram, whatsapp and even put my phone no in reject list then all of sudden a guy txted me saying stop calling his gf i was mad but the fact was that guy was from the same college where my gf was studying iam feeling so down right now and i dont know what to do???

  • Stuart Breegle

    ok here goes i never done this but any help would be appreciated. In Oct of 2014 my wife passed away at 42 suddenly devastated me, for about 6 months i was very alone so went on dating sites and found a girl i started dating. Way to soon i know now. well to make a long story short after a few months i moved her in with me and things i thought where going ok, by the way by me moving her in it helped her 100 times financially and i pay all the bills and ask her for no financial support at all. So i find out in August after we had a argument a red flag went off to check dating sites and wham there she was on the one we met on, Since February meeting guys behind my back at least 6 to 10. and oh yea she was married 3 times before and never ever talks about her past and gets mad when i ask her to. so i cleared my head and the next day confronted her about it and she said it was my fault i was pushing her away by not getting over my wife. well then i found her on at least 8 more sites and her texts messages where very detailed and she admitted to meeting guys for attention i wasn’t giving her blah blah blah. So since then i put my life on hold and have done nothing but work on this relationship trying to move forward and yes i put 99 percent of my baggage down about my wife because i know how i was and it was very hard to let go. After being Married 24 years in a 100% trustful marriage. I linked out FB accounts and said no more hiding her phone and no secretes. Well I’m having a really hard time trusting her again even though she says she’s not doing anything. I’m not sure but i think she may be a serial cheater from everything i read. She say she can just shut her mind off and not think of anything like she has no guilt and can act like everything is great. when we talk she always says I’m rehashing what happened. WONDER WHY!! I lost 25 Lbs in 3 weeks over this krap and I’m sick of being sick over it. its been over 2 months now and I’m still trying but i got this bad feeling its just a matter of time before she does it again. there is a lot more i could tell you but i wont bore you. any thoughts or advice would be great. Thanks.

  • Robyn

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, he’s done various things in the past year (messaging girls/saving there numbers/social media names to add later on etc) in August he went on holiday with his dad his cousin and there 2 friends for 5 days, I thought everything was perfect before he left, During the holiday he added a girl from his cousins phone and they obviously began to talk (this was on an app he had swore he never had) and obviously just downloaded it while he was on holiday… I was completely oblivious of this until 1-2 weeks after his return, we was driving in his car and he’s music was playing – he got a FaceTime call from a number saved under ‘A’ and I obviously questioned him he said he didn’t know so I accepted the call and to my surprise was a young girl in her bra as soon as she saw me she disconnected the phone. I tried to ring but there was no answer so I text her from his phone saying who is this, she claimed it was the wrong person.. I was going crazy at my boyfriend trying to get the truth from him we finally got to his friends house I tried calling her again the female refused to speak to me and my boyfriend was on the phone to her screaming saying ‘who the F are you how dare you lie about me’ ‘I don’t know you, I have a girlfriend’ I was crying so much I had to walk away for a breath – but when I walked away he begged her not to tell me I woke up to a message from her the next morning with her telling me everything he had said he told her he wanted ‘a serious relationship’ and asked for nude photos it honestly crushed me- he had told her she wasn’t allowed to save any of his messages she had mentioned to me she found this suspicious- she literally told me all the things he was saying to her and while he was on holiday he was being so nice to me. Earlier in the day before I had found out he had never been more horrible to me, he made me get in his car was driving ridiculously fast telling me my mother and father think I’m a liability and they hate me and I also suffer with depression and had tried once before to commit suicide- he even said that they wouldn’t have cared if I did and that no one would care apart from him, as we came to a set of ref lights I tried to get out the car and he grabbed me by my neck, the way he looked at me was not the person I fell in love with, he was so different this day and later in the day is when the female face timed him while we was in the car together, She told me the next day that that day he was begging to meet her but she was busy. This is obviously why he was so evil to me. I don’t know what to do because I haven’t loved anyone more than him – it’s now November and last month I found him watching loads of porn online and texting one of those sex people things, We’ve argued so much since and I think it’s the underlying issue that how much pain he caused me I just can’t forgive him I would never be unloyal to who I have made a commitment too- I’ve tried to leave him quite a few times since and he blackmails me by saying degrading things about my body and that no one would want me, he also says so much that he will ‘bait’ me and post pictures of me online, he’s told me to die after trying to commit suicide and told me no one would care if I did, he is always saying things about my body which I now completely hate, I’m so stuck and I don’t know what to do he was everything I would’ve ever asked for in the first year of our relationship, I don’t even know who he is anymore – he says if he can’t have me no one can, He’s stopped me from seeing all of my friends but 1 and even then I’m not allowed to go out she will have to come to my house, during arguments if I try to defend myself to hurt me he tells me he’s cheated on me with 9 girls all are ‘so much better’ than me, he says I’m a ‘bed warmer’ and asks me ‘how his other girls taste’ he does whatever he likes when he likes and I feel he just sees me as his possession now. A number of times when I have tried to leave him he tells me he’s going to kill himself he has even cut my name and lots of other things into his legs and sent pictures to me, he’s text his mum saying ‘you won’t see me again and to thank my girlfriend’ I honestly don’t know what to do I haven’t told anyone. I am so stuck and so lost

    • It sounds like you are in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. All of the manipulation and cheating is a reflection on his character. You may need help leaving him. Do you have someone you can trust and tell about what is happening? We are here for you 24/7 to help you work through a plan of escape and to provide resources. Click the “chat now” button to start the conversation with a HopeCoach.

  • February

    My girl cheat on me, few days ago she said she going back to her sister house but turns fthat she going to meet with the guy she cheat with, luckily Her phone left in my car and I drove away and there I saw her chat and i read everything, that how i know she cheating on me. Then I just play her game, but the pain is there, what should I do?

  • It is really great that the two of you are talking about it. Good open truthful communication is a really important part of a healthy relationship. We have a free eBook on cheating that the both of you could read through together. It talks about building trust and about what causes cheating and more. Here is the link – http://info.thehopeline.com/relationshipscheating-ebook

  • Colton, It’s important that you talk to someone about how you are feeling. You deserved better and we care. Please chat online with one of our HopeCoaches that will listen and help you through this at http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp.

  • fahad

    hi guys i know most of u wont be interested in my story. But i liked a girl we started to talk and after a few weeks she told she was divorced. I was heart broken but i though hey i liked her when i did know this how can i say no to her when i got to know her now. After this i started to love her more then before. I wanted to make up for other things that happened to her in past. Surely i made mistakes but i did what i could for her. She was bipolar when we were in 3rd year of med school. That was hardest time for us. All of sudden some days she used to asked me to pray she didn’t got pregnant. And i used to laugh like wtfff? How i didnt even touch u. Years went by and we went back to our countries for house job in hospitals. And i was mad and sad about that, I started to be upset and we had arguments and those argument led to fight. We went back and forth. One she will b all fine next day a stranger. Then after couple months she said she need time to think anyways we stopped talking. I got to know from my friends thats she is talking to other people but when i used to ask her she used to say im not and im studying for exams. Anyways i love her so much that i never said a word about it. I loved her so much that i got to know that she cheated on me many times thats y she used to say PRAY IM NOT PREGNANT. Today i got to know this its horrible for me. I gave everything to that girl just cos hse was broken she said she is happy that she got divorced so she found me and i made her love life again. now i know she is there living happy life and me here thinking crying and imagining her.

  • Tim

    Hey my gf cheated on me because I was always accusing her of so she had never done anything t till now I feel like it was my fault for pushing her that far but I also feel hurt wat should I do

  • Gwen

    I think my ex cheated on me while we were dating. We broke up back in July but we were still living together until the end of October when we both moved out into different places. Throughout those months we would sleep together on and off and we joked around saying that we became friends with benefits. After the move out, I tried to stay in contact because he says that we would get back together in time. We broke up because we were fighting a lot and we agreed that we both needed space to grow. I saw him a couple of times and he’d flirt with me and made it seem like he wanted me. I didn’t want to rush him but I wanted him back. But I decided I’d wait til he was ready to get back together. And now just recently I found out he’s been seeing someone for awhile. He got my hopes up, broke my heart and didn’t even care. He showed no sympathy, lied even after I caught them out together. How do I move on? This is my first break up and I’ve dated him for 6 and half years, we even talked about marriage. I’m going crazy…. plz help….

  • Anonymous

    Contemplation is the cousin of an action

  • bol

    i saw my Girlfriends picture on another guys IG ans she told me she is modeling shoes for the guy, The guy also posted a picture with my girl friend on her birth day, eve posted another picture of the guy and my girlfirnd on new year. Still my girl friend is telling me that she is not the person posting the picture, she said the guy is crushing on her. What should i do ??

  • Seyie

    My girlfriend who was 1 year younger than me was with me in relationship a few years ago… Then she started to get affairs with some other guy who is one of my friend. I don’t have anything to do but I still pray for her and I will continue to pray for her until I get her back….

  • Sakti Ra

    Lately my gf cheated on me after one year relationship , I found out she was with her ex bf for four years while being with me . She was going out late night lately saying that going to meet her relative and I followed her car then it was her ex bf house . I have called him and tell him the situation then both of us confronted infront, then she says she wants her ex BF . After few days she came back to me saying that it was her mistake and ask for forgiveness I was angry at first and scolded her for doing bad to me then I accept her after few weeks she is still blaming me saying that it’s not more the same and I am treating her bad but to be honest I am trying my best and she says that she starts to hate me . And I found out yesterday she is using another phone and was online till morning . To be honest I don’t know what to do …

  • Becca

    The boy I’ve been dating for 2 years have told me that he has feelings for another woman. But he doesn’t love her as much as he loves me (He said this in his own words). I’m not sure what to do. I am in so much pain.. He has cheated on me before but that was over a year ago and he tried his very best to regain my trust and when I almost trusted him fully he goes to tell me this.. I confronted him about her and he didn’t hesitate to admit his wrong doing. I don’t know anymore. Ugh.

  • Zeth

    My gf and i are in a live-in relationship, its almost been 2 years now. Lately i found out that she has been cheating on me, with some dude back home. Its not the first time she has done this, earlier as well something like this happened and she promised she wouldn’t do it again. So i thought ill give her another chance, day before yesterday her phone was pinging continuously so i just checked who it was and this dude who she has been talking to over instagram and WhatsApp was the one pinging her. i read all the messages and found out this has been going on since the first of march and i was being lied to since then. i want to leave the place but i can’t because my name is on the lease and so is hers. i am going through this mental trauma where i see her talking to that dude all day all night, we sleep on the same bed yet she doesn’t feel ashamed about any of this. I don’t know what to do please i need help please!!!!

  • Cormac

    My girlfriend cheated on me and went and kissed her ex she then lied to me what do I do should I break up with her or give her another shot?