Do You Wonder Why You Hate Yourself Even When Others Like You?
It's so tragic to hear someone say I hate myself. But down deep, many people do. Do you hate yourself? It seems there are so many things in this world that attack our self-esteem and sense of worth. When you hate your life and yourself, it feels like you're in your own personal jail, full of self-loathing, desperately wanting to get out, but not believing they can.
Can You Relate to Caroline?
Others may think you are just crying out for attention. But the feelings are very real. You are miserable because of how you feel about yourself, even if it sounds exaggerated or overly dramatic. I believe you.
Caroline described her self-hatred like this: I hated myself because I thought I wasn't good enough to be in this world. I thought I was ugly, stupid, and weird. I wished I could have been someone else.
So why do people hate themselves?
We took a poll and asked what reasons you might have to hate yourself. The majority of people said it was something about their appearance, followed closely by I didn't feel loved, and then I failed at a relationship. Each of these could be their own articles.
Blame Ourselves When Bad Things Happen
When bad things happen, we often blame ourselves. It's easy to let this blame turn into self-hatred and suck the very life out of us. This can leave us depleted of any kind of self-worth or love. When bad things happen, the worst thing you can do is spiral down into self-pity.
Sometimes self-hate is emotional exhaustion from the blame game. It's important to remember that painful, challenging, and hard times are going to happen. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and get some rest. You will look much better to yourself when you get some rest and forgive yourself for any mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes.
Rejection or Abandonment
Everyone will experience rejection of some sort. It's normal. But it's difficult. Not everybody is going to love you or accept you.
But it doesn't mean you're a bad person, and that you should hate yourself because of it.
Tom wrote: I used to live consumed with thoughts about what everybody else was thinking about me. I felt like people were constantly rejecting me. All the worst things came to mind, even though there was no way of actually knowing what people were thinking. I had to quit, or else I'd go crazy.
Sometimes when people experience rejection or abandonment, they turn the responsibility onto themselves, as if they are the ones who caused the pain. Don't let what other people think about you determine what you think of yourself. The freedom you experience when you let go of this burden like Tom did, will give you great joy. He's right, it's not worth going crazy over something you really can't control.
Negative Self-Talk
Thinking poorly about yourself is kind of like self-rejection. You see something about yourself that you think is stupid or ugly and you think criticizing yourself about it will somehow make it go away. It won't. It will actually make it worse. A lot of people feel ugly. Lazy. Inadequate. It's like the whole human race suffers from deep, low self-esteem.
Mona wrote: I hate who I've become. I know there is a hardworking, honest, skinny person inside me somewhere, but most of the time I think about how far to the negative I've come, then get even angrier at myself for not working harder to become the person I know I can be.
The Fight Against Self-Hate
The fight against self-hate is an on-going battle in all of us. Some struggle with it more than others, to the point of depression and suicidal thoughts. But it seems to always be there working in the shadows, waiting to pounce on us, and take us down. One thought that has helped me in this struggle is God's love for me.
I ask myself, "Why should I hate someone God loves so much? Why should I slap Him across the face? He's the one who made me, and He did it for a very special reason." There is no one else in the whole world who is just like you or me. Isn't that incredible? That person, YOU, is worth loving.
So how do you climb out of the dark hole of self-hate? Check out 5 Things to Think or Do When You Hate Yourself.
I'm really down. I went through a divorce two years ago, and I met someone else and got married. I should feel amazing someone has shown me I'm worth loving. But I'm dealing with terrible anxiety he will stop loving me and leave me, because it's happened before. I'm aware this is totally unfair- because this isn't the same man. But I have these crazy attacks of worrying he doesn't love me or care about me. It isn't because he isn't a good husband. He's a great husband. But every time he does a small thing- that worries me- I get really upset. Then I hate myself for not being laid back and happy. Why do I feel so upset all the time? Why do I constantly doubt my husband's love? I'm a Christian- I know God loves me. And my family is amazing. I have three amazing children. But I can't get a handle on my self control. I'm constantly feeling like everyone will leave me, or abandon me. My feelings of intense sadness and loneliness are uncalled for. I struggle talking to people about it- knowing I'll be a burden- and then I'll feel bad again. I don't want to be a needy wife or friend. I'm tired of being that. I want to help people, be happy with my amazing husband, and happy with God. I want to stop feeling so horrible- when I have such an amazing life. It makes no sense. It's not logical- and I'm a very logical person. I can't seem to fight these feelings or escape them. I teach myself truth- reminding me of reality but tomorrow I'll feel the same way. I want to be amazing- but I know I'm just not.
Trust me I feel pretty worthless right now. College, years of experience and all I can get is a hourly job? Doesn't help that my wife doesn't have half the credentials that I have, yet makes almost 3 times as much. I really just don't know what to do, and neither am I convinced that it matters anymore. Almost 40 btw, just to hammer home the point.
All self-help literature seem to say "You have to learn to love yourself," "There's an amazing person inside you", etc. But...what if that's really not true? I am not a nice person and I'm not being especially hard on myself. But it's fact that I am lazy, selfish, self-centred, greedy, mean-spirited, bad-tempered, impatient and a host of other bad characteristics. Maybe I'm a much harsher critic on myself than others would be on me, but that's only because i am the only one who knows what's going on in my mind. Everyone else just sees my fake smile and so-called polite manners. They don't hear my thoughts wishing they would just leave me alone, they don't hear the way i criticize them in my mind, they don't know how i really feel about them. So, yes if I ask others what they think of me, I probably won't get very bad feedback. Only I know just how bad my personality is. I feel like there's no point when people tell me that I'm being negative, that I've got to learn to believe in myself, because if I know the truth. There's really nothing in me to believe in.
I feel the most free from these thoughts when I'm alone. When I don't have to interact with people. I immerse myself in books, tv shows, movies. The fictional world is the only place I can create a better/nicer me.
i am very anti-social. I hate it when people come over to visit. I hate visiting others. I sometimes feel that way about my close friends, too. in fact, there are times I will lie to my friends if they ask me to meet them for a movie or a meal, even though I have absolutely nothing else on.
And so I keep wondering...for people like me, who are truly not nice...what do i do? Its not so simple as saying CHANGE YOUR MIND. BE SOMEONE BETTER. like....well, if I could, I would have changed a long time ago. or at least tried hard to. Now it's like, I can't be bothered to try anything anymore. I'm just waiting for the day I die, so that this will just end. No need to worry anymore about what others think. No need to care about whether I'm acting nice in front of people so they won't discover just what I am.
I hate I still don't no my purpose and the world
I'm not unhappy in general, I just get hurt too easily and feel deep pain when I fail to make things better. It breaks my heart when I know I've made someone else feel unpleasing emotions, and that's the only times I've ever felt like disappearing, because of this belief that without me, others would never have felt unpleasing emotions in the first place. I know it's unrealistic and I understand I need to change my attitude towards failures and mishaps. I don't hate life, I actually look forward to so so much (especially a future with you), it just pains me when I make bad decisions or I'm the cause of someone else's pain, or suffering, and because I don't have any solutions, (like a time machine to send me back and make sure I don't annoy you :P) it steals my hope and joy. I just don't sit around thinking about the possibilities that I am already doing enough, and that I can and do make positive changes in others lives already. On and off, I do feel an inadequate feeling and an unrealistic reality that my mistakes could have wrecked people's days or the way they feel about life. And when I hurt others through my actions instead of making their life better, I feel my life doesn't reflect my values and I feel I've failed deeply (not only failed myself, but failed those who love me and think well of me, I feel I've failed their impression of me, and that their perception of me will forever see the negative I do). And I never just tell myself that it's okay to have failed and that everyone does. It's not about disliking my life, it's about feeling hopeless to change what I've done and wishing I could be different and better, but knowing (despite all willpower) I will never be able to always do whats right. It's the idea that I'm just not ok with that reality that really pushes me down.
Does anybody else understand this feeling?