Answers to Tough Questions
I am continuing to answer many of your questions about the opposite sex. It is a journey to be sure. Today I answer a question about why girls sometimes dress provocatively and also about how guys sometimes brag about the girls they are with. Both touchy subjects, but I hope that in the process of honestly answering your questions we will all learn what it means to relate to each other in a healthy way. I hope my answers will help you get through your life with more love and confidence.
So here was the first question from Michael:
“Why do girls dress so provocatively one minute, then complain that guys are superficial the next?”
This is a difficult question with many sides to it. One part of the answer is that some girls feel confident if they receive attention for the way they dress. It’s nice to be noticed. Often girls even dress to impress other girls, maybe even more than guys. But for many young teenage girls it’s even more important to fit in. Many young women feel it is social suicide to try to stick out in the crowd or wear something no one else is wearing. So if all the girls are dressing in short skirts and low-cut shirts, they better do it as well, they think. Sometimes the styles may be more provocative than a girl feels comfortable wearing, but due to peer pressure, she will wear it anyway.
Why do girls sometimes dress provocatively and why do guys brag about the girls they're with? Click To TweetSome girls might not even realize that how they are dressing can affect guys. Don’t get me wrong, some girls know exactly what they are doing, but some are just wearing what they think looks good. Since guys are sexually driven by what they see, it becomes easy for them to objectify women based on how they are dressed, but that doesn’t make it right.
What message are you sending?
So please know ladies that what you wear often sends a message…whether you intend it to or not. If you are flaunting your body, guys will be tempted to come after your body. However, if you advertise who you are on the inside, with such traits as kindness, gentleness, sensitivity, great personality, etc., they will be drawn to you for that.
Guys, it is important to realize most women want to be loved and respected for who they are on the inside. It’s just the lies of the culture and confusion about how best to attract men gets things all confused. As a guy, when you compliment a girl you have an opportunity to tell her she’s beautiful, without expectations on what her response should be. Women often want to be thought of as beautiful, but they don’t want to be disrespected. That’s a fine line, but I believe it’s possible for mature guys to walk that line.
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The next question is also complicated and it is from Tiana:
Why do guys feel the need to brag about the girl they are with, and their sexual relationship with her?
Unfortunately, some guys do like to talk to other guys about their sexual conquests. I think this often comes out of a deep insecurity and a desire to impress other guys. It’s a competition thing. If one guy has more success with women than others, his ranking in the group goes higher. That is why there is not only bragging, but exaggerating, and even downright lies about their experiences with women. When this happens it shows a guy’s immaturity and lack of respect for the opposite sex. These particular guys are working hard to develop a reputation as a macho guy. Watch out for these guys because they are more concerned about themselves than the girl they are with. Don’t lose heart, there are good guys out there who don’t behave in this way.
Real manliness is when a guy fights to protect a women's reputation and feelings. #dating Click To TweetThis kind of bragging is certainly not done to impress other women, as women are usually completely turned off by the idea of a guy talking about what he did with other women. Women respect a man more who can keep silent about what happens in private. Real manliness is when a guy fights to protect a women’s reputation and feelings. Little boys like to exaggerate. Real men who are confident and secure don’t have to brag to feel good about themselves.
For more insight into dating, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook: Understanding Dating.
Photo Credit: Tamara Bellis
i always dress for me i do wear a little outfit .very smart, write poems and was married at 25 but those who chose to think you dress that way you outa to be treated that way. you are sex.i carry mace and tell guys off all the time i chose respect that’s why i got a ring . i resect myself. i grew up having two good parnets who taught thier dauther to have self resect and i do.
Dear Dawson,
Awesome article. I see that you nailed it with the deep insecurities about young women dressing provocatively due to the false culture of attracting men. It is clear that your stance is to be empathetic and understanding with these young women and to support and strengthen them during these confused times.
I guess as some feedback regarding guys bragging about sex, empathy and support must be shown for them too but you don’t seem to talk about that. They too do this for validation, facing huge pressure and insecurities hence acting this way. Your stance seems more to simply say they are immature, disrespectful where young women need to stay away from them. How is that a positive approach. They need to be supported, taught and understood that bragging does not provide respect from the opposite sex, that it isnt healthy and wont provide them with the deep connection they deserve or happiness.
Just my thoughts
This kind of medieval attitude is sexualising women’s and girl’s bodies, women’s and girl’s arms, legs, shoulders, faces, hair, are not inherently sexual and men’s feelings about it are not our problem. Centuries of patriarchal oppression and recently, highly-sexualised images of female bodies in advertising have caused the harm, not a PERSON wearing shorts on a hot day (women are people, unless you missed that memo in the last century or two). If you can’t handle seeing a woman or girl’s knees or shoulders you need psychiatric help and probably should be locked away for public safety. Women are not responsible for creepers and rapists whatever we are wearing, the only person responsible for rape is the rapist. Also anyone who tries to touch me is getting their a** kicked, I have no time for misogynist bull****.
Hermione, my guess is that your attack against positions held by no one will successfully change their positions. In the meanwhile your toughness and virtue in standing up against these nonexistent people and their nonexistent opinions is duly noted.
Kerry, the way you replied to Hermione wasn’t really nice, but more of a way to undermine her. Instead of trying to put her experience down, why not try to understand where she’s coming from? She’s a female, you are not, so she will obviously know more about the experience of girls than you. It is very well true that sexualizing women has lead to people assuming that dressing in shorts and such is “provocative”. In reality, girls dress the way they dress to express themselves and to dress comfortably. When guys wear shorts, it is seen as normal, but when girls wear shorts, whether low cut or longer, they are seen as sexual. You really don’t see a problem with that? Girls should be able to wear what they want without people telling them that they are too sexualized or provocative. In the end, your opinions are your opinion, but the fact is that you cannot preach that these opinions are “nonexistent” because that is blatant ignorant. If you really expect people to believe that girls have not been sexualized, then are you speaking subjectively or objectively? Keep your personal opinions out of these debates, and take all facts into consideration before tearing another person down.