Why Keep A Relationship Secret?

When you are in a dating relationship all kinds of questions come up, especially at the beginning.  I get asked a lot of questions about this and so today I have some new relationship advice to offer.

The Start of a Dating Relationship

The start of a dating relationship can be a wild time as you are both just trying to figure out all the details. Things like:

  • How/when do you tell other people about your relationship?
  • When are you going to make time for each other?
  • Falling hard for someone really quickly

Let's Start off with Amy who asks the first question, "I've been seeing a guy for about a month now. Neither of us has told anyone about the relationship I sort of want to, but he does not."

Why Does My Boyfriend Feel the Need to Keep Our Relationship a Secret?  Should I Be Worried?

Anytime There Is Secrecy Involved in a Relationship, There’s a Cause for Worry.

Some people like to keep a relationship private when they're not sure where it's going. Still, others want to keep a relationship secret because they are also involved with another person, or not completely over their previous relationship. I'm not sure what the exact situation is with your boyfriend, but he may be using you, or he may even be worried about being embarrassed.

Either way, his secrecy should give you concern. Someone who truly cares about you should be proud to tell other people about you.

Secrecy in Relationships Is Cause for Concern

Relationships should be about joy, happiness, and love...not secrecy. If I, were you, I would tell him how much you're enjoying your relationship with him, but how difficult it is to not be able to talk about it with those who are closest to you. Ask him if you could tell your best friend about the relationship and see how he reacts.

On the other hand, maybe it's okay to not to push your secret boyfriend to immediately "define" your relationship. Some people feel they have to tell the world when they are dating someone. This can be frightening to guys who are often afraid of calling something a relationship before they are really sure what it is.

Time and communication are going to be your two best friends in this situation. In the end, if he really cares about you, he'll want the world to know.

Tasha brings us the next new relationship question:

What Should You Do When You Fall Hard for Someone and In a Really Short Time?

What You’re Dealing With Is a Lot of Fantasy and not a lot of Reality.

What you're experiencing happens to a lot of people. It's called infatuation. Infatuation is the emotional feeling of romantic love. It feels like love. It acts like love. But it does not pass an important test: the test of time.

There is nothing wrong with being infatuated, most relationships start there. But you just can't build a lasting relationship with looks alone. You are probably feeling a great deal of attraction, even though you don't know much about him. I would be very cautious if I were you because you're dealing with a lot of emotion and fantasy, and not a lot of reality.

You're most likely living off of the thoughts about "how great it would be to have this person love me and care for me" and the emotional high when he begins to show signs, he really cares for you.

Over Time, You’ll Find a Whole lot More of Who He Really Is, Not What You Dream He Is.

While it's difficult to do, you need to slow down your emotions. It's a very confusing time, and you might be tempted to say or do things you will later regret. Get to know him as a friend and let him get to know you.

In this situation, time is one of your best friends, because over time, you'll find a whole lot more of who he really is, not what you dream he is. You will be able to make a better decision about whether or not to get more involved with him at that point. In this case, let your head tell you how to act, as opposed to your emotions.

Avoiding Heartbreak

I hear from a lot of people who are struggling with a broken heart.  Some of my most read blogs are about getting over a broken heart.  Not every broken heart is avoidable, but the two questions I was asked above to point to ways to protect yourself. Don't jump in too fast and beware of secrets.

Relationship decisions are a big deal. That's why I am asked so many questions about them.  So I would always encourage you to pray to God about any relationship you are entering, especially if you have some concerns.  Ask God if this is what he really desires for you.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5

God wants the best for you. So, ask him to help you make the best decisions with your relationships.

TheHopeLine Team
For over 30 years, TheHopeLine has been helping students and young adults in crisis. Our team is made up of writers and mental health professionals who care deeply about helping others.
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140 comments on “Why Keep A Relationship Secret?”

  1. I've been dating this guy for like 3 months now.I always ask him why we don't talk to each other in public...he tells me that he is afraid that people will suspect we dating and he doesn't like being center of attention.To see him talking comfortably with his female friends in public and not me makes me feel unimportant, what should I do?😭

  2. my boyfriend of 8 months has been hiding our relationship from his friends. I have never met any of his friends, but he has met my closest friends. he has a lot of female friends whom he talks about and posts on social media and takes pictures with and has never once shared a picture of me or us. I love him, but sometimes it gets a bit too much for me, always wondering why he doesn't tell people about us.

    1. Hey I was going through something simular... dated a guy for a year and and he never posted pics of us and he did with other friends. When I asked him he said he dosent like people in his business. There is a difference between secrecy and privacy. Everytime I would call him if he was around his friends he would never pick up just text. I told him how I felt which led to a argument. In conclusion I eventually moved on because I know my worth and I'm nobody's secret.

  3. guys are full of different drama. I can't believe person am planning my life is ahead of me by getting married to another lady in the next few weeks, if not for this truthcyberlord I won't know anything.i just said I should just want to know if he has any secret that can implicate my future

  4. My ex walked out on me and the kidd... know he wants us to start dating but don't want to tell anyone or be seen by me.. I don't know what to do know.. he broke my heart I have never been hurt like I was and afraid it might happen again.. but I do love him

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