The choices that we make every day don’t (always) solely affect us individually. They can affect our friends, children, spouses, the planet, and sometimes strangers who live across town or strangers across the world. Newton’s third law states that for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction and this can apply to many aspects of life. Some of these reactions can be positive; while some have negative consequences.
In life we all experience joys and sorrows. Some are fortunate to have few sorrows (at least from the outside), while others are not as blessed. Some are born into one parent, one small paycheck, and households where abuse lingers in the walls. Children grow up and make their own choices and write their own stories and testimonies. They live life from a new perspective because for the first time the lifestyle that they choose is in their hands. I’m not referring to social class but I’m referring to the fact that they can choose a lifestyle of love or hate.
Their own children will either grow up being cared for in every way, or they become victims.
When considering religion, the question is often asked, “How can I believe in a God who let’s horrible events happen?” I have asked myself this question in the midst of the storm when God seems to be so far away. I have walked through my fair share of storms. I have pondered the lie, “How can anything good happen through my brokenness? I think that God turned His head away the times I was a victim.”
God has been teaching me about this lie that I believed for years. Yes, I was a follower of Christ but I did not understand and am still learning just how God works and there is beauty in the utter brokenness, sorrow, and pain of life. The first time I had a glimpse of how my brokenness has beauty in it was about two years ago. I was with my best friend at a church gathering and one of our other friends came in and she was hysterical. About anything bad that could’ve happened to a 16-year-old girl had and her day was miserable; it was one of those days that had pushed her over the edge. She had expressed to us that she was suicidal. All three of us went into the bathroom to talk things out. As we talked, I learned that this girl and I had similarities in our stories and I did the best I possibly could to encourage her that things could and will become better. I’m not sure how much my words would have meant to her if I hadn’t walked through storms. That night, I started to see a small bit of beauty through my pain. Yet I have had a hard time believing that God was with me through every season and that He has never turned His face on war, poverty, world hunger, sexual assault, and abuse.
I’ve been learning that beauty in the pain can be as simple as being able to have empathy towards others who have been in the same situation as you. In my own walk, the times that I’ve had the most emotional healing were not when I was sitting in a therapist's office (I’m not saying that therapy isn’t important because it is) or sitting in church. God has done the most healing when I’m doing something as simple as having coffee with a fellow Christian and they are sharing their own story of walking in the storm. I have a connection of pain with them when they share about life after the storm.
Yes, we have Jesus but sometimes we need a friend here on earth to share our journey with. Having the honor to be a friend guiding and loving on the one who is still walking in the exact same rainstorm that you were once in is beautiful. THAT is when I know that God had never left me. I am beyond grateful for those He has given me to hold my hand while I’ve been in and out of the storms we have all walked through.
Newton’s third law states that for every action there’s an equal or opposite reaction. As we walk this life and deal with more storms than sunny days, how are you going to react? When others hurt you, you have the choice to do the same to someone else. Or you can use that exact pain that you have to empower you to help someone who has gone through the same or similar experience. THIS is how you can find beauty in pain.
Lama Leah is a blogger, and supporter of the arts, social change, and God’s chosen people. Read more from her on her blog: Lama-Leah!
If you have been through some struggles and were able to find beauty in the pain, you can share your story to help and encourage others who might be struggling. SHARE YOUR STORY!
When I was about 7 years old my parents got divorced, but as far back as I can remember they were always fighting and arguing. I started to self-harm when I was 12. I thought that there was no one out there who cared, knew what I was going through, even knew I was alive.
I was going through a hard breakup, and instead of cutting like I normally would I decided to take a notebook and write in it. Now instead of cutting, I grab my notebook, and I write in it. One day I realized:
I had a blade in my pocket one day, and a friend of mine emailed the school counselor, I got kind of upset at her, but then later that day, when I was home, I realized, that if she would not have emailed the school counselor, I would of cut myself really badly.
"People out there care about you, even though you may not realize it."
I wrote this in one of my notebooks today, "Blades help me release the monster on the inside, they can cut deep, or they can just skim the skin, they have always been there through all the rough times, but what I didn't realize is that so were my friends. I have friends that have always been there. They didn't have to make a single scar on my body, like a blade, they helped let the monster out through my words, not my cuts. Cuts make scars, then people ask 'How did you get those?' then you have to make up some lie, so you do not get in trouble." ~Jasman
The green-eyed monster is an expression that depicts jealousy negatively. Over 77% of women have admitted to being jealous in their relationships. Jealousy is natural in a relationship, but whereas men must have that emotion triggered by an action, women seem to experience it without any real indication at all.
Thankfully, there are countless ways to combat this jealousy, regain confidence within oneself, and to grow from the experience in a way that will subdue that green-eyed monster forever.
Ladies, it is understandable that this emotion cannot be controlled much of the time. However, the actions that ensue from this emotion are able to be controlled. One of the most effective ways to subdue this emotion is to realize just how insulting it is for your partner. Chances are, your partner did not provide you with a reason to feel insecure nor jealous, so it is best to understand the emotional toll this is taking on them.
When you compare yourself to others in terms of physical looks, humor, affluence, and success, you are detracting from all of the wonderful things that you are. Being original is the greatest thing that you can be and though you might not believe this, there are people who desire to be just like you as well.
Being afraid to lose the person you are with is normal but try to simply live for the day and enjoy the blessings it brings rather than worry about the future. Additionally, this jealousy that leads to anxiety and negativity might prematurely end the relationship, so it is best to be mindful of that.
The human mind is very convincing and endlessly tricky. Oftentimes, you are able to believe the things that you are the most fearful of. Essentially, if you imagine that your partner is unfaithful, your brain's natural reaction is to make sense of the overproduction of the fear and stress hormones by creating scenarios in your mind that are untrue. Understand that what you imagine is not reality and remain aware of that fact each day.
Once you realize the positive attributes about yourself, an understanding will be created that you are special and worthy enough for anyone, let alone your partner. Compile a list of what you enjoy about yourself and even enlist the help of your family or friends. Doing this will allow you to realize your worth and you will be surprised about how many qualities there are to appreciate about you.
Much like determining the positive characteristics of yourself, you should repeat the same process with your relationship. Answer the questions:
Answering these questions will strengthen both of you as a couple while concurrently abolishing your jealousy that has stemmed from uncertainty.
Hiding your jealousy will only weaken the relationship and put you in a dangerous spiral of self-dislike, sadness, and continual envy. The best route to take is to share your feelings with your partner. From there, assess where your jealousy could be coming from:
All of these questions should be answered together, and solutions should be proposed that will abate this problem.
Despite your efforts, jealousy sometimes continues to linger in your mind. This natural reaction is nothing to be ashamed of, but shifting your focus is of the utmost importance for when you feel as if you are in a losing battle. Consider taking up a hobby or really concentrating on being happy with your partner. Do more activities together, talk more together, and just share an honest policy in all that you do. Changing your environment is often the best way to form these life-changing habits.
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, relationships are difficult. Beware of negative habits which result in irregular brain patterns that will only further contribute to an unfavorable lifestyle. Being mindful of yourself is always of the utmost importance while being open with your partner is crucial in abolishing certain mindsets entirely. Welcoming your individuality and what you have to offer is the most advantageous action. And focusing on the positive will lift the concerns if all else fails.
Jealousy is natural and often inevitable, but it does not need to be a life sentence if you make necessary changes and accept it for what it simply is. You are not a green-eyed monster but are instead a woman in tune with her feelings, a factor that is more admirable than unfavorable.
Sonya struggled for many years in finding 'the one' for her and went through many difficult relationships as a result. After nearly giving up, she met Greg to whom she is now happily married. She runs a blog at HerAspiration.com in which she recalls some of the bad experiences she had while dating, and hopes that by sharing her experiences she is able to make the journey for love a little bit easier for other women out there.
A lot of people read my blogs, not because I'm such a great blogger, but because the topic touches right where we live. Just about everyone reaches out to be loved, but love is full of risks. To love is to be vulnerable and therefore easily hurt by the people we love the most. God designed us to love, for He is love Himself. For us to not love others causes a certain death deep inside of us. I received a comment this week from an anonymous person.
He said,"I have a better piece of advice: Don't ever fall in love in the first place. Just don't do it. It always leads to heartbreak and it's never worth it. If you never let yourself fall in love with anyone, then you will never have to worry about getting over a broken heart. It's as simple as that."
I DISAGREE with Anonymous. Being hurt is not the worst thing that will ever happen to us. Not to love is far worse.
So how do you get over a heartbreak that will most assuredly, at some point, come your way? I have come up with 15 ways to get over a broken heart. You can read the list here:
The list includes warnings of things to avoid and ways to move on as well as things that will help you heal. In this blog, I am expanding on steps to help you heal.
1. Take heart. You will get through this.
Having your heart broken over a relationship is going to hurt, in part because of what heartbreak does to your brain, your body, and your mindset. You could lose your appetite, as well as your desire to do much of anything but lay in bed and ache. It is possible that you may experience shortness of breath from crying. Your ribs may ache, and your eyes may swell. It’s almost like your heart will burst. Confusion might rule your brain. You might feel as bad as you have ever felt. It seems no one can help you.
But you will get through this. There are ways to move on after heartbreak. These intense symptoms begin to subside a little bit at a time, just not soon enough for you. The problem is you may be letting this one event blind you so you cannot see the good things happening in your life. Like the old retro song goes, “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.” There is a reason there are so many songs written about a broken heart. Consider the tens of millions who have gone through what you’re experiencing. They made it and so will you. So, take heart and hold on.
2. Talk to someone who cares.
I heard someone say once that 90% of good counseling is just talking out how you feel. It’s amazing how much better you feel when there’s someone you can talk to who totally understands what you’re going through. The person you are sharing your feelings with can help you feel less alone when everything feels hopeless. It’s kind of like when a guy gets hurt on the football field injuring his knee. Two of his teammates get around him and help carry him off the field. That’s what happens when you have a broken heart. When someone is there, they can help strengthen you when you hurt the most.
The people who suffer the most from heartbreak are those who have no one to help them. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble." So, find a friend or family member, someone you can trust to keep your secrets and talk it out. You’ll be glad you did.
"Talking to someone who you know, and trust will help you greatly. A pastor or just a great friend who maybe is older than you and has more experience with heartbreaks is wonderful. They tell you how they lived and moved on and help you out very much." (Kaitlyn)
3. Allow yourself to be human and feel the pain.
One of the ways we know we are human and truly alive is that we feel pain. Going through a break-up can be very difficult. It's hard to feel such raw emotions, especially when there's no magic solution to make heartbreak go away. This proves we are human.
It is extremely important to let those raw emotions out. Find a safe place where you are comfortable and if possible, let the tears flow. It is our body’s way of ridding itself of the pain and hurt. There was a hit a while back called "Big Girls Don’t Cry" by Fergie. She’s wrong. Big girls are really healthy girls when they show emotion. Some people run from their hurts when really, they should embrace them. It’s only when we feel our pain are we able to honestly deal with it and move on. If we don’t, that pain will reappear somewhere else, usually in an unhealthy way.
"No one wants to be hurt, and when we are, our first instinct is to block it out. Unfortunately, the best ways to block something like that out is through destructive behavior like substance abuse, cutting, and the like. Even worse, the release doesn’t last, and you end up worse off than you were before." (Jonathan)
4. Take your broken heart to God.
If you're wondering how to get over the girl who broke your heart or how move on from your ex-boyfriend, you can turn to God for help. There are those who may think this bit of advice is needless. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here’s why.
You and I were created to love and be loved. When we get down to it, all we really want is to know there is someone who knows all about us and still loves us no matter what. Only God can love us this way. When we have that foundation of knowing we are loved no matter what, we can have the strength to face rejection from others. Only God can give us a deep sense of being loved because He always does, no matter what.
It says in the Bible, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself." So go ahead. Tell God everything you feel about your broken heart. He is there to listen and to help heal you.
"It is very important to go to God after you’ve had a bad relationship. God is the ONLY one who will heal your broken heart." (-Osman)
5. Give yourself time to heal.
If your heart has been broken, it will take time for you to completely heal. At the time of the break-up, almost everyone thinks they will never feel normal again. But God has designed us so we will heal from wounds. It’s amazing to see how our human spirit comes back again. Some people heal faster than others. Some people’s emotions go deeper than others. The deeper your emotions, the longer it will take to heal. But sooner or later you will begin to feel alive again and you will learn to accept this new feeling. Don’t fight the healing process and you will be on your way to smiling again in no time. So be patient with yourself. You will get through this.
"The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. It’s going to hurt for a while and some days will be better than others, but you will eventually get over the person you lost." (Lindsey)
6. Learn lessons from the experience.
It’s not if difficult things will happen to us. It is inevitable that they will. The question is can we learn from the experience? If we don’t learn, we will keep doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same response. So during this time of hurt, you might want to ask yourself some meaningful questions about your broken relationship. For example, did your relationship include these important things from both you and your partner:
Answers to these and other questions can help you be a much deeper person, better equipped for your next relationship.
"It is always easy to remember that life goes on, no one promised it would be easy, but everything happens for a reason. And if it is something that will change your life, then let it." (Brian T.)
Also, check out my other blogs – 5 Ways to Move Forward After a Broken Heart and 4 Things to Avoid to Save You From Further Heartbreak
Some people tell me that after their heart has been broken, they can’t eat, they can’t sleep, and their grades start dropping. It’s not an easy journey to move from a broken heart to healing, but it is possible, and it is necessary. You will need to take some hard steps of putting the hurt behind you so you can get on with the rest of your life. I hate to see you suffer, so here are a few tips for moving forward after a broken heart.
1. Let go of mementos. If you’ve been dating someone a while, you no doubt have collected items that remind you of the one who left you behind. When you were still dating that person, these mementos meant the world to you and had a powerful impact on your emotions. But now, these same mementos only work to break your heart.
These include things like pictures, rings, pillows, music, clothes, etc. Hanging on to reminders of the relationship will get in the way of moving on. Get rid of them. This can be hard to do because there is something very final about throwing them away. You are finally admitting to yourself, “It’s over. It’s truly over.” This is an important step to take.
2. Keep yourself busy by giving to others. When you were dating, you spent hours and hours with your special someone who has broken your heart. Now you have all this time on your hands. People who get over broken hearts find ways to fill that time with something positive. For example, you might want to get to know your friends again. Hanging out with them will help remind you of the good old days before your ex. Or you can get involved in helping organizations like Big Brothers/Big Sisters or volunteer somewhere else. Filling your time with positive activities will both help distract you and help you feel good again
3. Take care of yourself physically. It is very difficult to overcome a broken heart when you don’t feel good physically. Not feeling well only adds to your depression. When people have their hearts broken, people either tend to quit eating or begin overeating. Sometimes they try to self-medicate through drugs or alcohol. None of this works and usually makes matters far worse.
When we eat right, we have more energy, more endurance, and less mood swings. Getting good exercise actually triggers chemicals in our brain helping to lift our mood. Have a friend to encourage you to exercise and eat right. Soon you will be feeling better, even if you’re not sure why.
4. Realize it’s mostly about you, not your ex. Any event in our lives is just that an event. The issue comes down to how we interpret that event. Two people going through the same type of break-up can interpret it and respond to it very differently. So, in the end, it comes down to whether you are going to allow this break-up to make you stronger or stay a victim. It’s no longer about the ex and how horrible they were or what they did. At some point it becomes mostly about you and whether or not you decide to move on.
5. Move on. Finally, that moment comes. Sometimes it creeps up on you. Other times, it’s like a light bulb goes on in your heart and you say to yourself, “It’s time for me to move on. I’m not going to die. The sun will come up tomorrow and I feel myself learning to live without the other person. In fact, I can go a whole day without thinking of him/her.” When that happens, it’s an awesome thing. There’s nothing quite like the realization you have decided to move on.
For more help and answers to your questions on breaking up and heartbreak, check out this page full of blogs, podcasts, stories, and more!
I want to blog on a subject almost every one of us at one time or another will have to face, and that is how to deal with a broken heart. On my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, the number one topic people want to talk about is how to get over a heartbreak with their boyfriend/girlfriend or how to win back their bf/gf.
If you haven't had a broken heart yet, you will someday. Maybe you will be able to go through the dating relationships until you find the right one without getting hurt. But in the end, someday someone might break your heart. Maybe one of your children or someone else in your family. If you have the capacity to love, and I'm sure you do, then you also have the capacity to be hurt. Specifically, let's talk about a broken heart caused by a bf/gf. So, what causes a broken heart?
But the question remains, what can you do to fix or mend a broken heart? While it's hard to define what a broken heart is, everyone knows what it feels like when they have one. This blog series could end up being one of the most meaningful series you have ever read. I hope so because I don't want you to suffer any more pain than you absolutely have to.
If you follow the advice, I will be giving you, I'm convinced you will heal much quicker. Let me prepare you for this series. I'm going to list for you the Top 15 things you can do to help heal a broken heart and next week explain what each one means.
1. Take heart, you will get through this.
2. Talk to someone who cares.
3. Allow yourself to be human and feel the pain.
4. Immediately take your broken heart to God.
5. Give yourself time to heal.
6. Learn lessons from the experience.
7. Be careful…don’t date destructive people to begin with.
8. Don’t overreact and embarrass yourself.
9. Don’t overanalyze.
10. Don’t go into rebound dating.
11. Let go of mementos.
12. Keep yourself busy by giving to others.
13. Take Care of yourself physically.
14. It’s mostly about you, not your ex.
15. Move on
I’m going to break this list down into manageable sections so we can dive deeper into each of these 15 points.
I want to look at the healing process, moving forward, & things to avoid for a broken heart.
Nobody gets into a relationship intending to get hurt. However, it seems like to have a relationship at all, especially a dating relationship, puts you at risk of being hurt or rejected by a person you care about very much. Anything worthwhile has its risks. I agree with the old saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Not to love is to make our lives empty, cold, and in deep need. That being said, it still hurts a lot when someone you love rejects you. Let’s face it, we are imperfect people who have relationships with other flawed humans. Hurt and unmet dreams are inevitable.
However, what DOESN’T have to happen once your heart has been broken is for you to heap more heartbreak on top of it. There are some common mistakes people make that add further insult to injury, so to speak.
1. Don’t date destructive people.
Some people want to experience love again so badly they end up getting involved with all the wrong people. I talk a lot about this in my blogs about love addiction. These people have no real idea who the person is they think they are in love with.
Some relationships are simply not worth the drama. You can save yourself a lot of pain if you commit to only dating people who are stable and have their act together. Relationships are challenging enough. Why shed needless tears by getting involved with dysfunctional people.
2. Don’t overreact or seek revenge.
When someone you love rejects you, it’s easy to overreact. The pain and confusion from a breakup can cause you to do just about anything to win your bf/gf back OR to cause them pain through revenge. So be sure to think twice before:
Embarrassing yourself only makes the pain worse and slows down the healing process.
Kate realizes her desperation isn’t helping, but doesn’t know what else to do, “I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months last week. I know 6 months isn’t that long a time, but I completely gave myself to him. I would drive 74 miles (one way) to see him, sometimes several times a week. He never came to see me. He also told me that he didn’t love me, and he never would. Instead of breaking it off and trying to heal myself like a normal person, I would do just about anything to keep the relationship going. I can’t live without him, and my heart is genuinely broken." (Kate)
3. Don’t over-analyze.
Some people (and this may be you) are big-time dwellers. They spend hours analyzing every last detail about the relationship. Over-analysis of a broken relationship only leads to confusion, depression, and a massive waste of time.
These people always end up getting confused and coming to the wrong conclusion because they cannot look at the situation in a balanced way. They end up either worshiping their ex or hating them for what has happened. Once you’ve thought through what went wrong with the relationship and what was good about it, let it go or you will cause yourself unnecessary drama and heartache.
4. Don’t go into rebound dating.
While it is important to move on and be around other people, beware of rebound dating. Rebound dating is when you jump into a new relationship without getting to know the person in the hopes that this new relationship will heal your broken heart. Unfortunately, rebound dating usually results in another breakup and more heartbreak.
Rebound dating also causes you to compare the new person with your last love. Comparing others never works. You likely have a distorted view of your last love. No one will meet those standards.
Try dating just for fun or hanging out just to get to know people better. "I get all depressed over something that was totally a waste of time and tears. Then, I go right back to guys to try to solve the problem and it starts all over again."(CJ) CJ is a rebounder. Try not to fall into that trap.
If you have the capacity to love, then you have the capacity to be hurt. For more help with heartbreak, read this blog.
