How Do I Stop Wanting to Just Hook up?
CONNER'S (Casper, WY) QUESTION:
Connor: In 6th grade, I was doing great in school, a straight-A student. I was doing good, and then I started hanging out with friends that wanted to have sex. I started to give in to that.
Dawson: What friends are we talking about? Male or female?
Connor: Both. Male, I’d hang out with some weekends, and we’d go to the mall and hang out. Once we see a girl, we’d say, “Look at her, check her out, hook up with her.”
I come from a really good family, and I don’t want to ruin that. I don’t know how to explain it well. I need some clarification on how to go to school and be more clean. I don’t want to go to school and say, “Check her out. She’s cute. I’d like to hook up with her.”
Dawson: I totally and wholeheartedly agree with you. But, why not?
Connor: I come from a Christian family. I go to church every Wednesday, every Sunday. I talked to my pastor about this too. And it just seems like I want to be healthy. I went through a purity class where I have a ring that says I am not going to have sex until I’m married. I've gotten close to that. And I don't want to get that close again.
Dawson: What's your pastor tell you?
Connor: So basically, he said, bounce your thoughts, bounce your eyes, and maybe find some new friends. And I've tried that.
Dawson: I think it's a good thing for you to talk with females about this. Not every single one, not every five, just the two or three or four girls that you respect. Girls who aren't just using their body to get a guy and hop in the sack thinking that they'll keep him. You need to be around some women or girls, that think like you think - I do not want to be controlled by lust. A woman is far more than her body parts. It's her soul. It's the beauty of who she is on the inside. It's not just these other things.
Connor: I've always heard that girls are trouble, girls have cooties - don't mess with them.
I can't get away. It is so hard for me to be clean. And that's why I called, because I need some help. I want to have those friends and I want to have a social life but not to the point where I'm going to have sex every night. I don't know what else to do.
DAWSON MCALLISTER'S ANSWER:
Dawson: You think that you're the only one walking around being a virgin waiting until you're married to have sex - you are not. That's a lie. Secondly, that there are no women you can talk to about this, who will help hold you accountable. And women don't understand it very much, but they can help hold you accountable to that. Right?
Also, you need to get your youth pastor at your church or someone you really respect to hold you accountable and say, okay, how'd it go today? They call it bouncing – where you're diverting your eyes.
Connor: Yep, bouncing thoughts, bouncing your eyes.
Dawson: The first look I can do nothing about, but the second, third, and fourth – I do.
Connor: I don't know even know what to do. And that's to the point where I've thought about suicide.
Dawson: No, no, don't let this turn you to suicide. You need intense counseling.
Dawson: You called the right place. No one's beating you up here.
Connor: Right. I shouldn't want that to happen.
Dawson: There's a big book about lust called, Every Man's Battle. So, you're not alone in this battle.
Connor: And that's what I've been told to is my pastor’s like, talk to somebody who has the same problems as you.
Dawson: Well, someone who has the same problem, but who wants to do something about it. You don't need to be talking to somebody hanging around somebody that just says how many women can I get this week? Rather, how many women can I show love to this week - is a different story.
Let me send you to a HopeCoach and see if we can't get you started on this. You have deep needs, but that doesn't turn you into a dirty person. If you are wanting to just be a dirty person, you wouldn't be calling me talking about all this. You are saying by your phone call that you want to be a different person and you called in with a lot of courage, a lot of guts and honesty. And we're proud of you and with that kind of an attitude - you will get through this. You will get a healthy self-esteem. Now will you always fight with it? Yeah, probably until the day you die, every man's battle, but you can get a day-by-day victory.