When You Feel Like You’re Not Good Enough For Someone

I am absolutely amazed by the number of questions you have about the opposite sex. Let’s face it, relationships and romance and the emotions that come with them are really important. In this blog I will address two issues I’ve been asked recently about dating relationships that you might  be able to relate to.

I Don’t Feel Good Enough for my Boyfriend

shutterstock_40987639_when you feel like your not good enough for someone.insideblogOur caller Amelia asked: “I’ve been with my boyfriend for about three months now and he’s great, but I just feel like I’m not good enough for him. I’m 19, he’s 21, and he’s perfect, but I always feel like I’m being compared to his ex-girlfriend from three years ago, or that I’m just not good for him. He says that’s not true, but I can’t get past feeling that he’s too good for me. It’s starting to affect our relationship, how do I get over this?”

DAWSON: I think there are a couple of issues going on here. First, you say your boyfriend is perfect. Even without knowing him, I can assure you he isn’t. We always make a mistake when we make someone we care about of the opposite sex our hero, or even our god. It’s great to respect your bf/gf, but putting them too high on a pedestal puts way too much pressure on the relationship.

Seeing each other in a more realistic light, with both strengths and weaknesses, will help your relationship to be more balanced and healthy.

What would make you feel good enough?

But the bigger issue is you not feeling good enough for him. No matter what he tells you, you just won’t believe you bring as much to the relationship as he does. What would make you feel good enough for him? Whatever it is, you still would not be able to meet those standards. God has made each of us as incredibly unique individuals. You have just as many wonderful qualities as your boyfriend, even if you’re not aware of them right now.

It’s important for you to accept the love your boyfriend is giving you, and not just write it off because you don’t feel worthy. If you continue to talk about not feeling good enough, there’s a good chance he’s going to become discouraged because your relationship seems to be so negative, and move on to someone else. Stop focusing on just your weaknesses, and only his strengths. Seeing each other in a more realistic light, with both strengths and weaknesses, will help your relationship to be more balanced and healthy.

So stop worrying about your imperfections, and concentrate on loving him. When we really love others, we end up feeling a whole lot better about ourselves.

Braden asked: “Is it normal for a girl to break-up for no reason? If so, why?” 

Most people don’t do things like breaking-up with someone for no reason at all.

DAWSON: The short answer to your question is no. Most people don’t do things like breaking-up with someone for no reason at all. Most girls don’t say, Oh, it’s Tuesday, I think I’ll break up with my boyfriend today. It’s usually a series of either events, conversations with friends, or private feelings that lead to someone breaking-up with you.

Often, when a break-up happens out of the blue, it’s because there’s someone else who has entered the picture. Or maybe her friends are putting pressure on her to end the relationship. In many cases, you will never know the real reason. She’s probably not telling you her reasons, either to protect herself, or protect you from getting mad or hurt.

We will never completely understand the opposite sex, and all the reasons they feel what they feel, and do what they do.

Still, sometimes the not knowing why is more difficult than the actual break-up. I’d encourage you to let her have her reasons, whatever they may be, and not let it haunt you. If you are willing to do that, you’ll find yourself learning to be a better, stronger person.

There are always going to be unanswered questions in dating relationships. We will never completely understand the opposite sex, and all the reasons they feel what they feel, and do what they do. Don’t let this girl’s lack of communication prevent you from being a person who chooses to be truthful and honest with the girls you date.

Feeling “good enough” has everything to do with how we value ourselves. Check out the newest free Ebook from TheHopeLine.

Free eBook! Understanding Self-Worth from TheHopeLine®

Dawson McAllister Dawson McAllister (born in New Kensington, Pennsylvania) is an American speaker, radio host, and author. He is the founder of Dawson McAllister Association and TheHopeLine and host of the national radio program Dawson McAllister Live, which is aired on Sunday nights. Dawson has been speaking to and in support of teenagers and young adults for over 40 years.
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  • amanda

    Hi I am that person who is seeing a lovely guy he is funny caring and we have good times together ? But my mind keeps saying he to good for me and I am just waiting for him to drop me he has more convenient then me and thats got to do with how I was was treated by my ex . When I am with him I am so me and don’t think about anything then when I am not I think it’s going to come when he drops me don’t know how to get passed it .

    • lil’ sunshine

      Never think you’re too good for someone. Everyone is made up the same way. We’re all human! There are bound to be flaws in him. And u hv to see other things besides him. Get some othr interests as well. Try to focus on the happy side of this:)

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  • DaniRea

    I’ve been with my boyfriend almost 2 years now. I am 19 and he is 20. I fell pregnant with our son after being with him a little over a month. (Didn’t sleep together until a month went past, and in the first week we did I fell pregnant) at the beginning our relationship was amazing before we got together and for a little while after, we decided to live together to spend more time together and get to know eachother more. This was during the best parts of the relationship. He proposed to me, but a short while later I asked him why and he mentioned part of the reason was because I was pregnant. I gave the ring, we hardly knew eachother back. I know it was so soon to have a baby together, but I couldn’t stand the idea of adoption or abortion.
    Our relationship (for me) hasn’t turned out how I expected. He was everything I ever wanted in a partner, but suddenly he stopped pursuing me and trying. The affection and emotion seemed to have just gone, most days I feel really sad and wonder why. I don’t think I’m good enough for him still though. Because I know how much of a great guy he can be. He does a lot for our son and me, but the romace isn’t there. Hardly any hugs, kisses or just well.. Contact. We hardly talk, he works nights so we hardly sleep in the same bed anymore, as he sleeps during the day. While I take care of our son. We don’t do anything as a family. I want to so bad, I have a problem with crowds and going out on my own and always ask if he would come out with me. But his too tired. His hidden things from me and lied. It breaks my heart, I love him. I can’t leave him. I don’t want to leave him, I just want the old him back. (We have spoken about this) but it doesn’t go anywhere. I’ve told him I’m unhappy, I don’t even know what to do, he is too good for me. I can’t give him anything, but he works and looks after us. I don’t know how to make him happy, or what to do to want to spend more time with us (instead of relaxing, watching tv etc) outside as a family. Is it me wanting too much for him to be who he was when we met? The first day we spend together just the two of us, we walked about until 3am just..talking. Right there and then I felt so strongly for him. He walked me home and we said good night. These days, I can’t even get him to take our son to the park for half an hour. I know he is tired but our son is 1 next month. And we have hardly taken him out as a family. I always thought when I had my own family we would go out every weekend even just to the park (which is a 5minute walk)

    • TheHopeLine Team

      DaniRea, Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you would really benefit from having an email mentor to continue talking to about your relationship. You can sign up for one on our “Get Help” page or download our new app to chat, listen to the show, get encouraged and sign up for and email mentor there as well at http://thehope.dm/thlmobileapp

  • Maddi

    I get asked out by cute boys, and this scares me because I feel like the ugliest person in the world. Sometimes when people want to date me I say no because just standing next to them makes me feel like crap. I feel like a waste.

  • Maddi

    It’s hard to be calm and not cry, especially when your in the middle of class but I need to tell someone. I want to die, but I can’t, I want to cry but I can’t and I want to scream how I really feel to people but I don’t even feel good enough to breathe. I have no self confidence and no REAL friends, I feel so alone and broken. My parents don’t understand, my siblings don’t understand and it seems like even if I were dead no one would really care. I’m covered in scars that won’t go away no matter how hard I pray to a god I’m not even sure exists. I’m just done with life but I don’t have the balls to do anything. I feel like a big fat ugly stain on everyone’s shirt. I’m tired all the time, I’m always sad even when I’m happy. I don’t know how to make myself better…i feel so ugly.

    • Sandy

      Maddi the exact same thing happened to me when I was 19. I was at the top of my form , then I met my horrible ex now I’m 21 and 40pounds fatter :( I will advise u to take care of urself, don’t do foolish things because this will get better and u WILL find better friends. I’m so SO much more happier now. You just need to have some faith and patience, and don’t bother about stupid people!

  • Jordan Jeynes Lyons

    Hi I have been dating my girlfriend for 8 months now but we have been though a lot and the while relationship guys have popped up and start saying things to her like what they wanna do to her but they are gone. but now cause she does cheer their is a guy that has been causing problems with me and my girlfriend and he is trying to break me and her up i asked her to stop talking to her but she wont listen and she just sees him as someone harmless but due to everything before this i am just so worried and i am scared im going to lose her what should i do :(

  • Roop

    Hello! Um I’m 19 and my bf is 21 .. We used to be friends earlier but from past couple of months we’ve officially entered into a relationship. It’s been great for a month or two but since then I don’t know something just doesn’t seem right. We rarely talk and whenever we do there’s just no sign of affection in it. I mean I know he loves just the same but he doesn’t show it. And now I’ve started to think do I not look good enough anymore. Am I not compatible with him. This is also because… well he’s hot and tall and I’m I guess average looking and short :( He doesn’t compliments even once and that really discourages me.
    Any advice please?

    • Joe

      You’re the female you have the “goods” be a tease show him what he’s missing, there must’ve been a little “clingyness” going on also you both are very young and indecisive. My advice would be to chill out don’t get so worked up over it because you know what? This guy may-be tall and hot but you might actually meet a “short cute guy” if you could look past the appearance and appreciate eachothers lives for what they are. Hope that helped a little bit

  • Megan

    Hello :) I’m 34 and my boyfriend of 3 months is 38. We’re both pretty busy people, he works A LOT and I have a 9yr old child. When we first met he wasn’t expecting that a relationship would form, but it did and it’s been great. He tells me how much he likes me, he says that everything feels right and easy between us, BUT! he’s in a crossroads in his life in regards to his career and feels that he needs to figure out his direction before he can continue to pursue this relationship (or a relationship) any further. He needs things to slow down and is asking that I be patient, although he has said that if I’m unhappy that he’s not asking me to stay, but that he’s also not asking me to go. He’s been open and honest about telling me how much “committment” he’s able to give me at this particular time. I don’t fear that he’s cheating on me
    or being unfaithful, however; I do feel a bit let down and question where I fit in his life, if at all. He’s been so busy with work and projects and life in general, that we’ve only been seeing each other 1 day a week. We do talk daily, either on the phone or text, but lately I’ve been having this feeling of not being good enough and it’s making me sad. I guess I believe that if you really want someone, or something, you’ll do whatever you need to do to get it? I might be overthinking all of this and allowing my fears of my past get the best of me? I don’t want to accidently sabotage something that might be good, but for the past few days I have been contemplating if I should respectfully remove myself from this relationship and give him the space he clearly needs to figure out his currently life situation? Or is that possibly being too dramatic? I’m beginning to fall in love with this man (although he doesn’t know) and losing him scares me because I do believe that him and I can have something wonderful, but right now I just feel a little bit sad and unclear as to what to do? Please help!

    • liane

      I think that deep down your instincts are telling you that this man isn’t as interested as you’d like him to be. Or possibly as he once was. You say you believe that if you really want someone you’ll do anything to get it. I agree with you. If I really want to be with someone I’ll do my best to spend time with them.
      My situation is very much like yours, similar age too. I was seeing a man for about three months. At first he couldn’t get enough of me, to the point where it even annoyed me, but it calmed down gradually until one day i realized some things,that he isn’t texting me as much in the mornings, that although we hasn’t seen one another for four weeks due to one thing and another, he’d made no effort to see me. I was the one who ended up pushing to meet up. It turned out to be our last meeting. I sensed something different straight away between us and as I left that evening I knew I wouldn’t be coming back. Yet it still shocked me and upset me when days later he ended it, saying he clearly isn’t good enough, blah blah. He told me he fancied me, finds me attractive and likes me. Yet he wanted to end it. Makes no sense does it. If you like someone and fancy them you don’t dump them! I know he felt bad about ending it, he apologized the day after, he often text me to see how I am and just general texts.
      So what went wrong. I guess he was infatuated at the beginning then lost interest. I’m just glad I didn’t try to cling on to him and even now I won’t text him first. This is what he wants. This is what he’s got.

  • april

    My partner left me because were I live and he was new to the area but I’m not we been to gether before and he left because he didn’t no any one and his panic attacks but we message but not as much as we used to but he loves me n I love him what do I do

  • Melody

    I feel like I’m not good enough for my boyfriend because even though we see each other often it’s like I don’t make him happy as much as other people. Random people make him laugh and smile sometimes than me and I don’t really say anything about it but it’s been bothering me for a while now. Am I just too boring? It feels like Ican’t make him happy even though I try. When he’s at home he doesn’t even text me that much anymore. I’m really nervous I’m not good enough to him and he’s going to dump me soon even though I try my hardest to make him happy. Any advice?

  • Lala

    Leave him…I just finished dating someone like that. It took three years to finally get my head straight and call it off. The man does not value you, you first need to love yourself, be confident, and value yourself. No is no. You have to set the standards. You deserve someone who will love you as a companion, and make you feel whole. Let it go, don’t let him talk you back, show him you are strong and do want to be seen as an object. It will take time to heal yourself from the relationship separation, but with patience all the pieces will fit. Believe you deserve to be treated with respect.

  • Rene

    Hang in there I hope your situation has gotten better. Don’t ever lose yourself in the process of trying to make others notice you. I wish I can take my own advice. Keep your head up.

  • Eetheart

    Stop looking for anyone. But be content and confident in who you are. Because you’re perfectly and beautifully made, you don’t “need” someone else to fulfill you.

  • LinkandTingle

    Im not worth it and I hate myself.

  • TheHopeLine

    Hi, Kat. Pornography is a serious issue and it has nothing to do with whether or not you are good enough or pretty enough. Please contact TheHopeLine and talk to one of our HopeCoaches about it. We are here for you 24/7. We care!

  • M

    Hello . Me & my boyfriend have been together for 5 months now and he’s upset because i don’t communicate w/ him :( . I don’t know why i just don’t be knowing what to say . I really just need help on how to communicate w/ my boyfriend better before it gets worse.

  • Kellydavies2011

    Hi I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly 4 years , and I’m worried now because all he ever says to me is hello how was your day and night literally 5 mins conversation i try and talk to him about things be bit more interesting and he says night tries to end a conversation this is via text messaging on Facebook. And I say okay I’m not sure how long I can put up with lack of communication I love him but I get the feeling he prefers to talk to his friends on Facebook rather than talk to his girlfriend. I don’t know what to do. But when he says night his still online on Facebook after. But I ask him about it he says he can’t sleep it’s the same thing every time. I don’t know if his ran out of things to say. Am I being too paranoid because to me I like to talk more in a relationship rather than just basic stuff like hello you okay then night same thing every day. But makes feel like am I good enough ? Am I boring you?

  • jemma

    I just have no self esteem and feel I should just leave my boyfriend of 9 months and just stay on my own. I own my own business and people assume that I am confident and happy. Really I just can’t wait to get the day over and get bak in bed out the way

  • ang

    So ive been seeing this guy for about a yr we never really go on dates or anything we dont spend much time together. He ask me for money all the time and if i dont give it to him he gets mad . He has 2 children with 2 different woman whom i believe he still loves . Im not insecure but with him its like i never feel good enough i always feel like hes going to leave one day . He says he loves me and i dont necessarily FEEL that he does but i try to stear clear from that conversation. He makes me feel really bad sometimes like if im so lucky to be with him , he tells me i can GO when we argue like you dont have to be here i already have 2 girls in my life anyways so im always so confused how can he say he loves me but also say idc you can go ill be fine

  • .

    I don’t manage to fall in love because I always seem to find something bothersome about a person. Every guy I meet just doesn’t interest me. It even gets worse as soon as another girls starts to sjow even slight interest in a guy, I suddenly feel almost… disgusted by him. Sometimes they are really nice and cool and I ask myself what is wrong with me because they have treats I always searched for but it still doesn’t work to fall in love. When I close my eyes there’s this made up boy I see on my inner eyes and I can’t seem to find anyone who fits my silly expectations and ideals. And I absolutely know I’m stupid and that there is no person like this. But still, I can’t get rid of my illusions.

  • Jesse

    There was a girl who had a crush on me in high school . Being the shy person that I was , I never would flirt back or go up to her and ask her out . I feel a reason to my low self esteem was mainly due to the fact that I had a terrible stutter , which has gone away now (almost) . I had never asked her out because I felt I was not good enough , and That I couldn’t offer her what I felt she deserved . Even though my speech has improved , I feel I am still not good enough to be in realationships .

  • Jessica

    Hey, so I always have this problem too. I think my boyfriend is pretty great, and I don’t know why I can’t even talk to him about most of the stuff I feel. We’ve been together for a pretty long time, but I don’t think I’m good enough for him. I mean I annoy everybody and my younger sister pretty much hates me, so why am I good enough for such a great guy

  • http://www.thehopeline.com/ TheHopeLine®

    Oh, Ellie, I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is definitely a way of being cheated on by someone you are in a relationship with. Please chat with a HopeCoach to talk about what to do next and how to talk to your boyfriend about it. We are here for you. http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/

  • Blossom

    Well I am done with men but plagued with the not good enough syndrome. I have cancer and was ill for sometime and going back to work or any given day really I get this ‘hurry up and die’ look from my co-worker, you know that fake smile? I cannot seem to die soon enough. I pray and make sure I forgive all wrongs but still do not trust people being the middle child and getting the short end of the stick on any quality time. I am struggling to have a will to live.
    I feel like that coach in Waterboy before Adam comes along. I know my attitude stinks and working on it. I just really needed to vent.

    • http://www.thehopeline.com/ TheHopeLine®

      You are a hero – fighting cancer takes a warrior. You are welcome to vent to us anytime. In fact our online chat is open 24/7 http://www.thehopeline.com/GetHelp/ We care about you and we want to hear your story.

  • http://www.thehopeline.com/ TheHopeLine®

    It sounds like he has a problem. It’s not about whether you are good enough, but more about him not focusing on one person. He doesn’t sound very respectful of you. It helps to talk about it with someone to get perspective. You can chat with us about it anytime 24/7. All chats are free and confidential. http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/

  • Nicole

    I would never post on here, but since it is some what anonymous I thought I would just make one post. My name is Nicole and for a long time now I have been feeling more alone, sad, and independent with everything. I am in college and I am doing really well in all of my classes. I received a 4.0 for this semester. But I feel that I am just not a good enough person. I am always there for my friends and help them with situations and I always invite them to hang out, but they never can unless they need something from me. I don’t know what is wrong with me and why I can’t make good close friends or be liked by anyone. I have never had a boyfriend and I just want to find my “soulmate” or best friend so I can confide in and be with that person. I have been working really hard to loose weight and fix myself to be more liked. I will never be good enough. What I have learned is “every man for himself” and I suppose I need to be more selfish and take more, because that seems as if that is what all of my friends are doing and what guys like. Everything that I do or say is wrong and when someone says something about it I feel like a horrible person and I tend to close myself off more. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  • Lar

    I have been with this guy on and off for a good 6 years. He has loved me and has always wanted to be with me and I’m always the one to break up with him because I get scared of getting hurt and honestly the way he loves me scares me because I didnt think a love like that could exist. I do love him but I fear that he will realize I’m not the one he wants and I’m not good enough. He has dated other girls that are way prettier and yet he says I the one he wants to be with. I don’t know I just don’t think a love like that could exist without some cheating or something happening. I don’t know, any suggestions?