Why Keep A Relationship Secret?

When you are in a dating relationship all kinds of questions come up, especially at the beginning.  I get asked a lot of questions about this and so today I have some new relationship advice to offer.

The Start of a Dating Relationship

The start of a dating relationship can be a wild time as you are both just trying to figure out all the details. Things like:

  • How/when do you tell other people about your relationship?
  • When are you going to make time for each other?
  • Falling hard for someone really quickly

Let's Start off with Amy who asks the first question, "I've been seeing a guy for about a month now. Neither of us has told anyone about the relationship I sort of want to, but he does not."

Why Does My Boyfriend Feel the Need to Keep Our Relationship a Secret?  Should I Be Worried?

Anytime there is secrecy involved in a relationship, there's a cause for worry.

Some people like to keep a relationship private when they're not sure where it's going. Still, others want to keep a relationship secret because they are also involved with another person, or not completely over their previous relationship. I'm not sure what the exact situation is with your boyfriend, but he may be using you, or he may even be worried about being embarrassed.

Either way, his secrecy should give you concern. Someone who truly cares about you should be proud to tell other people about you.

Secrecy in Relationships is Cause for Concern

Relationships should be about joy, happiness, and love...not secrecy. If I, were you, I would tell him how much you're enjoying your relationship with him, but how difficult it is to not be able to talk about it with those who are closest to you. Ask him if you could tell your best friend about the relationship and see how he reacts.

On the other hand, maybe it's okay to not to push your secret boyfriend to immediately "define" your relationship. Some people feel they have to tell the world when they are dating someone. This can be frightening to guys who are often afraid of calling something a relationship before they are really sure what it is.

Time and communication are going to be your two best friends in this situation. In the end, if he really cares about you, he'll want the world to know.

Tasha brings us the next new relationship question:

What Should You Do When You Fall Hard for Someone and In a Really Short Time?

What you're dealing with is a lot of fantasy and not a lot of reality.

What you're experiencing happens to a lot of people. It's called infatuation. Infatuation is the emotional feeling of romantic love. It feels like love. It acts like love. But it does not pass an important test: the test of time.

There is nothing wrong with being infatuated, most relationships start there. But you just can't build a lasting relationship with looks alone. You are probably feeling a great deal of attraction, even though you don't know much about him. I would be very cautious if I were you because you're dealing with a lot of emotion and fantasy, and not a lot of reality.

You're most likely living off of the thoughts about "how great it would be to have this person love me and care for me" and the emotional high when he begins to show signs, he really cares for you.

Over time, you'll find a whole lot more of who he really is, not what you dream he is.

While it's difficult to do, you need to slow down your emotions. It's a very confusing time, and you might be tempted to say or do things you will later regret. Get to know him as a friend and let him get to know you.

In this situation, time is one of your best friends, because over time, you'll find a whole lot more of who he really is, not what you dream he is. You will be able to make a better decision about whether or not to get more involved with him at that point. In this case, let your head tell you how to act, as opposed to your emotions.

Avoiding Heartbreak

I hear from a lot of people who are struggling with a broken heart.  Some of my most read blogs are about getting over a broken heart.  Not every broken heart is avoidable, but the two questions I was asked above to point to ways to protect yourself. Don't jump in too fast and beware of secrets.

Relationship decisions are a big deal. That's why I am asked so many questions about them.  So I would always encourage you to pray to God about any relationship you are entering, especially if you have some concerns.  Ask God if this is what he really desires for you.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5

God wants the best for you. So, ask him to help you make the best decisions with your relationships.

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140 comments on “Why Keep A Relationship Secret?”

  1. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 months. We both kept our relationship a secret, but then my parents found out 2 months in. My boyfriend is still not telling his parents, and I feel like I get mixed feelings from him. He acts differently around me than his friends and more frequently talks animatedly with my bestfriend. He tends to be less of a jokester around me and we don't have any chances to talk....

  2. the boy i have been dating has recently come out of a long relationship, and wants to keep us secret for now. a few months have passed and we go out with mutual friends, but i don't like having to hide it. (I understood at first, his breakup being so recent but now it just seems strange/makes me uncomfortable) my best friend (a boy) is a very good friend of his also, and recently i was drinking with this friend and told him everything (i thought he'd already guessed) Now I feel pretty bad about this, and also uncomfortable that the boy i'm dating can't just tell our friends. any advice?

  3. Hi I have been with my bf for a month and a bit and found txts to his ex which are dirty and them saying that they loved each other when I asked him to explain he said if he doesn't go along with it she won't let him see his daughter anymore and if she finds out about me she will not let him see his daughter as well. Do I believe him and continue our relationship or leave him how far would he go to see his daughter his ex comes over with the daughter and stays the night at his house as well he said he was going to end it and shoe me proof asap. Please help

  4. hi.
    so i meet this guy a couple of months ago at a week camp, he asked for my number and as soon as we got home we talked all most everyday.
    this went on for about a month and in that time we both confessed that we liked each other. he lives literally right around the corner of where i live, but would all ways cancel our meet ups. he never said exactly why. later i found out he never told his parents about me because he said he was scared his parents wouldn't approve of me and say not to talk to me anymore. one day, right after a night we had talked on the phone till 2am he stopped talking to me. wouldn't reply to any calls or texts or calls, then one day after about a week and a half he texted and said sorry he has been super busy with school. but its not the same he doesn't text me unless i am asking a question, and its maybe at the most every week and a half................. i still realllllly realllllly like him and cant stop thinking about him and i meet him at the end of February this year......... do you think i should just forget about him and try get over him????but i really dont want to!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Idk weather I'm dating or just talking to this boy. Anyway he wants to keep our love for each other a secret but I really don't like the DL stuff so I agreed to it. Me and him has been of and on for almost a year and ever since then I've known he was the one I loved. I met him by my ex who was dating me at the time and he used to flirt with me but after a while I noticed I had some intense feelings for him so basically I broke up with my ex for him. Ever since we've been off and on. I'm just worried I'm like a backup plan to him. Any advise?

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