Why Keep A Relationship Secret?

When you are in a dating relationship all kinds of questions come up, especially at the beginning.  I get asked a lot of questions about this and so today I have some new relationship advice to offer.

The Start of a Dating Relationship

The start of a dating relationship can be a wild time as you are both just trying to figure out all the details. Things like:

  • How/when do you tell other people about your relationship?
  • When are you going to make time for each other?
  • Falling hard for someone really quickly

Let's Start off with Amy who asks the first question, "I've been seeing a guy for about a month now. Neither of us has told anyone about the relationship I sort of want to, but he does not."

Why Does My Boyfriend Feel the Need to Keep Our Relationship a Secret?  Should I Be Worried?

Anytime there is secrecy involved in a relationship, there's a cause for worry.

Some people like to keep a relationship private when they're not sure where it's going. Still, others want to keep a relationship secret because they are also involved with another person, or not completely over their previous relationship. I'm not sure what the exact situation is with your boyfriend, but he may be using you, or he may even be worried about being embarrassed.

Either way, his secrecy should give you concern. Someone who truly cares about you should be proud to tell other people about you.

Secrecy in Relationships is Cause for Concern

Relationships should be about joy, happiness, and love...not secrecy. If I, were you, I would tell him how much you're enjoying your relationship with him, but how difficult it is to not be able to talk about it with those who are closest to you. Ask him if you could tell your best friend about the relationship and see how he reacts.

On the other hand, maybe it's okay to not to push your secret boyfriend to immediately "define" your relationship. Some people feel they have to tell the world when they are dating someone. This can be frightening to guys who are often afraid of calling something a relationship before they are really sure what it is.

Time and communication are going to be your two best friends in this situation. In the end, if he really cares about you, he'll want the world to know.

Tasha brings us the next new relationship question:

What Should You Do When You Fall Hard for Someone and In a Really Short Time?

What you're dealing with is a lot of fantasy and not a lot of reality.

What you're experiencing happens to a lot of people. It's called infatuation. Infatuation is the emotional feeling of romantic love. It feels like love. It acts like love. But it does not pass an important test: the test of time.

There is nothing wrong with being infatuated, most relationships start there. But you just can't build a lasting relationship with looks alone. You are probably feeling a great deal of attraction, even though you don't know much about him. I would be very cautious if I were you because you're dealing with a lot of emotion and fantasy, and not a lot of reality.

You're most likely living off of the thoughts about "how great it would be to have this person love me and care for me" and the emotional high when he begins to show signs, he really cares for you.

Over time, you'll find a whole lot more of who he really is, not what you dream he is.

While it's difficult to do, you need to slow down your emotions. It's a very confusing time, and you might be tempted to say or do things you will later regret. Get to know him as a friend and let him get to know you.

In this situation, time is one of your best friends, because over time, you'll find a whole lot more of who he really is, not what you dream he is. You will be able to make a better decision about whether or not to get more involved with him at that point. In this case, let your head tell you how to act, as opposed to your emotions.

Avoiding Heartbreak

I hear from a lot of people who are struggling with a broken heart.  Some of my most read blogs are about getting over a broken heart.  Not every broken heart is avoidable, but the two questions I was asked above to point to ways to protect yourself. Don't jump in too fast and beware of secrets.

Relationship decisions are a big deal. That's why I am asked so many questions about them.  So I would always encourage you to pray to God about any relationship you are entering, especially if you have some concerns.  Ask God if this is what he really desires for you.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5

God wants the best for you. So, ask him to help you make the best decisions with your relationships.

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140 comments on “Why Keep A Relationship Secret?”

  1. Yes. He had a good excuse in the beginning, but now his excuses are very weak. Go ahead and tell anyone you want about YOUR life.

  2. My bf at school likes to keep our rellationship secret too and i dont know why i have asked him about it but he wont say why

    1. Hi Kiri,
      I'm a 35 year old woman. Your bf is doing that so he is still free to pursue other girls. If a guy wants to keep you a secret, run away!!!

      1. My brother had a secret girlfriend for apparently two years. He never put pictures and never mentioned her and because he was asked he accepted they were living together. Our family is awesome and real close and I still don't understand why he kept her a secret. We live in different states so it was easier for him to lie everyday and act like he was living somewhere else. He has been so shady and I don't ever want to trust him or speak to him for being such a liar.

  3. I also experience the same thing.. when he start approaching me a month ago, he told me at the first place that he wants our relationship to be secret as he wants to take care of people's heart.. but now, he still keep our relationship as secret.. when we meet at our community group, he avoids to talk to me as he afraid his secret love might reveals..

  4. ive been dating a guy and he told me not to tell anyone not my friend or nothing...it sucks because i really wanna tell my freind

    1. HI klross,
      If it is this big of a secret, you should stop dating him. But to be honest, he can not force you to keep YOUR life a secret. If you want to tell your loved one's about your life ,go right ahead.
      You should dump this guy.

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