I have always been overweight and insecure. In the fifth grade, I started cutting and I just couldn't stop. It's an addiction and I did it all the time. One day in the bathroom, when I was washing my hands, one of my "friends" saw my cuts and she asked what they were and if I did them. I told her I did them and she didn't even care, all she said was "oh, okay." So that just made me feel even more worthless, invisible, and suicidal.
When I had gotten home that day I went for a walk around my neighborhood and I got taken and raped. I tried yelling for help but he covered my mouth. I tried telling my dad but all he said was if someone did then you deserved it. He tied me down to his bed and hit me until I started bleeding then he raped me. When I said I was going to tell my teacher he said if I did then it would just be worse tomorrow. By that time I did everything to die or leave, after a while I went to a hospital for 3 months but then I had to go back to my abusive dad. No one would see me so I started sending dirty pictures to guys and girls to get attention.
One day I found this website and started talking to someone, a HopeCoach, and they told me I was worth it and needed help to get better. Since then I have slowly stopped cutting.
I am Whitney and that is my story.
If you are struggling with self-harm you can contact TheHopeLine HERE and check out our page of resources for self-harm to help you because scars don't have to last forever.
She was about to pop of bunch of pills to end her life, but then Dawson came on the radio. Watch and see what happened.
You want it so much. You desire it so much. Others have it. Why can't you? You aren't asking for much, are you? You just want what so many other people have. They take it for granted! You don't! You treasure it! It is priceless! It is precious to you!
But it is not yours. No matter how much you pray for it, you can't have it. No matter how much you work for it, you can't achieve it. No matter how much you value it, you can't take it home and make it be yours.
It makes your heart sick! I mean sick. Discouragement. Despair. Absence of any joy. Nothing gives you pleasure. Nothing gives you joy. A friend trying to get your mind off your pain can put a smile on your face only as long as they sustain the effort. As soon as they depart, the gloom washes quickly back into your soul.
Some call it depression. Others call it grief. Still others may call it envy, the green-eyed monster. Whatever it is called, it is your experience now. We understand. Been there, done that.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12
The first part of this verse resonates with us. Hope deferred does make the heart sick. The second part is hard to imagine.
What? Should I keep on longing and maybe someday it will be fulfilled? I can't do it anymore! I can't! The old reservoir of hope tank is running on fumes!
We need to understand God sees things differently than we do. He teaches. He guides. He even lovingly disciplines. The thing we are hoping for just might not be what is good for us.
Really? Seriously? I can't have it?
God: No! I know what is better for you!
Ah, come on!!!!! I want it so much!!!!!
God: I know. I know. But I have something better for you!
What is that? What could possibly be better than what I hope for?
God: Me!
What?
Yes, me! I am the God of all creation. I can give you everything you need. I can fulfill your every need. Whatever you desire in the core of your being, I can deliver it better than anything or anyone else. I want you to long for me! I want you to want me. If you long for me, you will be fulfilled! Anything else you think you want will pale in comparison to what I deliver.
The irony is this, if we actually get the thing we hope for so much, it will be disappointing. It satisfies for a moment, but then the thrill is gone. We then search for something else to hope for and the process starts over again.
Or, we can long for God and He will be the tree of life for us!
- Charles Wagner, founder of Gramazin. Gramazin is a place for people to share their stories of hope and overcoming adversity. On gramazin.com you can see someone put into words how you might be feeling, read about someone else's solutions for their issues which might apply to what you are going through, and energize yourself to keep striving to make a difference in people's lives.
If you are struggling with depression, no matter the cause, to find out more and get help, check out our free eBook on Depression!
With all the demands on your time and attention, it's normal to feel lost and lonely. It's easy to feel like your life doesn't matter any longer because everything is all about your kids. While most parents would admit to feeling that way, not having another parent to share the load with can be downright excruciating.
So, how do you take care of yourself when you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed? Here are 8 steps for success to not only help you survive, but also thrive!
1. Put yourself at the top of your list. You have got to take care of yourself first, before you can fully expect to take care of anyone else. If your child was hurting, you'd show him/her love and attention show yourself this same kind of attention. Make sure you're eating well, getting rest, and making time for fun with friends. You'll find you have more hope and strength to be able to tackle what's in front of you.
Sharon wrote: Many single moms put themselves LAST, and then find themselves burned out, stressed out, and frustrated-causing them to be discouraged in their role as a parent...feeling inadequate or out of control.
2. Develop a support network. It's really important for you to surround yourself with people who can help you with the difficult challenge of being a single parent. You need to know who the people are that you can count on. Make an actual list of these people, so you can remind yourself you're not doing this all alone.
It's through the hard times that we grow and learn the most about ourselves.
3. Refuse to be the victim. Instead of asking why me? ask yourself what you can learn from your situation. It's through the hard times that we grow and learn the most about ourselves.
4. Speak respectfully of your child's other parent. You might have every right to trash talk the other parent of your children. It's important that your children don't become your outlet every time you want to vent about their father. Make sure you don't stain the relationship your children have with their father, regardless of what you think about him.
5. Make time to do simple activities with your kids. It's easy to get hammered down with all the things you have to do driving here and there, working, etc.
Spending good, quality time doing simple things with your kids will help them to feel like life is going to be ok, in spite of how difficult it might be for you.
Karli wrote: When I'm feeling stressed or drained me and my daughter will go get our nails done. It's a bonding time for us and helps me unwind since someone else is taking care of her and ME!
6. Handle your finances with wisdom. You might feel like you're working as hard as you can just to pay the bills. But there are plenty of ways that you can learn how to save money, get cheap groceries, and even save for the future. Work to educate yourself on how to better handle your money. Ask people you respect for their advice on how to make your money work better for you. You can also ask one of my HopeCoaches to refer you to one of our partners that can help with financial advice.
7. Focus on the positive. This is a great time of growth for you. Don't forget all the things that are going well in your life. As you demonstrate a positive attitude, in spite of your challenges, your kids will learn how to deal with challenges themselves.
Jean wrote that being a single mom is a long list of losses: Stay at home status with kids, loss of home kids grew up in, loss of income, loss of unity, kids are split up, loss of a father especially to my most vulnerable child. It sounds like Jean has a pretty challenging situation all the more reason for her to work hard to convey a positive attitude to her children rather than a victim mentality.
Just focus on today and what needs to happen today.
8. Take it a day at a time. This is the only way you're going to make it through. If you think about the years ahead and all the challenges you will face, it will certainly be overwhelming. Just focus on today and what needs to happen today.
Rhea added: I get up earlier than [my son] does in the morning to be sure I have my time with God even if all I have the energy for is to sit and talk with Him. It is one day at a time and within that day it is one hour at a time. Don't worry about childcare six months down the road. Don't worry about whether you will be able to have enough gas to take them wherever they need to go. Just get through the day. That one day.
It's very important for you as a single mother to know how to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Hopefully focusing on these tips will help you prioritize your life, making you a healthier person and a balanced, well-rounded mom.
No one can fully understand the pressures and challenges that each single mom faces. In my last blog I spoke of the challenges a single mom faces when it comes to dating with all its emotionally charged potential and pitfalls. But an even greater challenge can be the relationship single moms have with the birth fathers. How involved should the birth father be? When should the father of your kids be in their lives at all? I have some important tips for dealing with birth fathers.
There are so many stories of the birth fathers who make promises to come around, be involved, and support, but then never do.
Lari wrote: It was really important for me to set boundaries with my ex. To have specific times when he could be with the kids,
and if he didn't show up, or was late, I made sure I spent extra time with the kids myself. It got frustrating, but it made me and the kids closer.
Some single moms struggle with birth fathers who won't pay child support. What should a single mom do? Sure, there are some legal actions you can take, but many times, there is nothing you can do to get your ex to do what he's supposed to do, or to be where he's supposed to be. Realize that no matter what you do, you can't force your child's father to be involved. But you CAN play a part in not allowing your children's view of their dad to become negative. Don't complain to your kids about something your ex does wrong. But also, don't let your ex have any kind of negative influence on your kids. You might think you have to keep him around so you can keep getting his child support. While his court ordered child support is required, you have to keep your kids safe and healthy at all costs. In some cases, it's better the father never come around at all, rather than break hearts with broken promises.
Your number one goal is to protect your child's heart.
Sharon wrote that many times, children are left wondering how their dad could possibly not want to be a part of their life? These are the issues the single mom has to help them cope with...why doesn't Daddy come see me? Why won't Daddy come to my school play? Why doesn't Daddy love me? To see the heartache in your child's eyes...to struggle to find the answer that will cause them the least amount of pain...that burden, too, falls upon her shoulders.There may come a time when you need to accept that fact that you child's father is not going to be there for them. Don't waste your time pining over something that is not going happen. Your number one goal is to protect your child's heart. No one can break the heart of a child more than his or her father or mother.
Remember to always keep this question in the forefront of your mind: What is best for the kids?
Answering this the best you can will always be the right place to start when you feel confused and overwhelmed by your emotions and circumstances. It's also very important for you as a single mother to know how to take care of yourself, first and foremost. In my next blog, I'm going to give you some practical tips on how to do that. Please send me a comment with ways you have found to take care of yourself so you are rested, recharged, and more capable of being the best mom you can be.
Related Posts:
10 Tips To End Loneliness
3 Keys To Recognizing And Understanding Depression
Last time I wrote about how becoming a single mother meant having your entire life flipped upside-down. You've been handed a challenging combination of emotions and responsibilities, and now you've got to figure out how to manage. It is no doubt overwhelming, and certainly something you can't do on your own. Single moms need friendship, long for meaningful companionship, and can easily be frustrated and impatient with not having someone to share the responsibilities.
As a single mom it is very likely you will want to date sooner than later. The question is, when is the right time?
The question is, when is the right time?
A single mom called into my show to talk about dating and here is what I told her.
Dating is a challenging situation under the best of circumstances. The wrong kind of relationship can suck the life right out of you. The potential is very high for a single mother to become focused on her loneliness and try to find a boyfriend just to fill that loneliness. So she gets caught up in the need for a man or settles for someone unhealthy. Like I told the caller, a relationship may help, but it won't heal.
Too often a single mom is so desperate to have a man in her life that the relationship moves way too quickly.
Ashley wrote: "I thought that I needed a boyfriend to make me happy. But what I needed was to focus on being a mother to my kids and working to take care of all the responsibilities of our family. This meant sacrificing a lot for what I THOUGHT I needed, but instead receiving so much more from my life."
Here are some helpful questions for you to ask yourself about a potential boyfriend
You have to be very cautious about whom you date, and even more cautious about when the boyfriend is allowed to come into the life of your children. Too often a single mom is so desperate to have a man in their life that things move way too quickly. Even the very valid motivation of having a dad" for their kids again is NOT a good reason to move too fast. Not only is mom hurt when the relationship doesn't last, but so is the child.
It is very important for a single mom to protect herself from being isolated, but this does not mean jumping into a dating relationship.
Sharon said: "Our children should not meet our 'dating partners' unless they are becoming a serious potential 'marriage partner.' They have already had to let go of the absent parent being an active part of their lives, they should not have to 'let go' again by getting attached to a dating partner with whom the relationship later ends, causing another loss to our child."
Some experts say it's not a good idea to bring your boyfriend around until it looks like you might be getting married. This prevents a lot of heartache and pain,
and protects your children from experiencing a "revolving door" of different boyfriends in their home.
It is very important for a single mom to protect herself from being isolated. It will only leave her locked in her own emotions without any fresh perspectives. Friendships with other moms can help provide this fresh perspective and support. I know moms who take turns watching each others' children in order to give one another a break or who plan playdates to combat the isolation. I also want to strongly encourage you to use TheHopeLine, so you aren't facing these confusing emotions and struggles alone. TheHopeLine has also created a resource page with Bible verses to encourage you. Remember, HopeCoaches are available 24/7 via phone or chat. You are not alone.
I've always wanted my radio show and TheHopeLine to be a place where people felt comfortable talking about the tough stuff. A place where people could open up about the things they have been trying to hide. I know that once you start telling your story, you are on a path to healing. To be a safe place, it is often important to know what NOT to say about certain struggles. So today I address five things not to say to someone who's depressed.
Until we get rid of the unacceptable stigma of mental illness, it's going to be very hard for people to come forward for care.
Mental illness, including depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc., can be hard to discuss. Unfortunately, a stigma surrounding mental illness keeps people from opening up. They don't want to be seen as weak or fall into any stereotypes surrounding mental illness. According to the Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, M.D., fewer than half of the people who have a mental illness get the care they need. He said, "Until we get rid of the unacceptable stigma of mental illness, it's going to be very hard for people to come forward for care."
Our partner organization, Centerstone, describes depression this way. "Depression is more than a day of feeling low. It is a long-lasting, often recurring illness as real and disabling as heart disease or arthritis. People with depression feel increasingly isolated from family and friends. One of the frustrating parts of dealing with depression is that there are no outward signs or conclusive testing of the illness. There is no rash or fever. There isn’t a blood test to diagnose. So, people with depression are often treated as if they are making it up or should just be able to snap out of it. If you're wondering "Why do I feel so lost and hopeless?", you might be battling depression."
Yet depression is very common, affecting about 10 percent of the U.S. population (almost 20 million people) every year. One in four women and one in ten men will experience a depressive episode in their lifetime. In our Guest Blog by Centerstone, Are you Depressed? we address how you can know if you or someone you care about has depression. We also have a quick checklist about depression symptoms.
As we open up this discussion, I want to address how to support someone who may be struggling with this illness. There are some very hurtful things that well-meaning people often say.
1. What do you have to be depressed about?
There are people who have it much worse than you. The depressed person already knows this and doesn't need it pointed out to them. Often the most frustrating part of depression is that they can't explain why they feel like they do. Imagine what it must feel like to have a really good life and not be able to enjoy it. By asking them this question, you will make them feel even worse for seemingly not being grateful for what they have.
2. Happiness is a choice. You just need to change your mindset and focus on the positive.
When you say this to someone struggling with depression, you are essentially telling them that they are CHOOSING to be negative and sad and that they are bringing this depression on themselves. If it were as simple as choosing to be happy, don't you think they would?
3. You don't need medication.
Unless you are a doctor, DO NOT give clinical or medical advice. Leave that to the professionals. Rather encourage someone facing depression to talk it over with their doctor.
4. You're depressed again?
Trust me, they are scared of falling into depression again. For you to sound annoyed does not help.
5. Are you reading your Bible enough? Are you praying enough?
To someone who is depressed, asking them this question feels as if you are saying, "If you just trusted God more or had more faith, you wouldn't be depressed" somehow suggesting it is their fault God hasn't healed them. However, none of us can DO ENOUGH on our own to get God to act how we think He should. Thankfully, God's love and provision are not based on our performance. I trust completely that God's ways are wiser than ours and that He loves us like crazy. And while God removes some struggles immediately, He allows us to walk through others. And even though I might not understand, I believe He has a purpose in all things.
So, while healing is not based on our performance of Bible reading and prayer, these things can bring comfort. I would suggest saying something like this instead, I know you are trusting God, and I will pray that He brings you a peace that only He can bring. And, if you're interested, I can share some Bible verses to read when feeling hopeless. TheHopeLine has put together this list of Bible verses for you to share.
So now you know what NOT to say, but what can you do for someone struggling with depression?
Let them know that:
So tell me do you struggle with depression? What is it like for you? Did someone hurt you during a depressed season in your life? What is the most helpful thing someone could do for you? Do you have encouragement and advice for others who are struggling?
Let's get the conversation started - it's safe here!
If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.
I was raped while taking the garbage out, right outside of my own house. I never saw who, but I'm hoping he will be caught soon.
I came to TheHopeLine because I was feeling alone and overwhelmed with everything. Despite the support from my family and friends, I felt like I needed more.
So we talked for a while and I was given many resources which I will be taking, and then I was shown how God can help me heal.
Tonight, I found God. I know he will always be there for me, and I also know that TheHopeLine will be too.
So a HUGE thank you to the lady who helped me tonight, whoever you are. You've helped push me in the right direction and I'll forever be grateful.
Thank you,
Jade
If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, it's not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE and online.rainn.org.
Are you concerned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? Learn more about it by downloading your free eBook.
Depression is a common illness that we often hear about, yet ironically, we usually have difficulty recognizing it, particularly in ourselves. Therefore, oftentimes too many people living with depression don't seek proper treatment. However, by arming ourselves with the facts about the illness, we can learn to distinguish it from a simple case of the blues, understand the symptoms and underlying causes, and therefore seek effective treatment. Remember, depression is common, more than just feeling down and most importantly, depression is treatable!
Depression is a common, yet serious, illness that affects 20 million Americans each year. If you or someone you know is depressed, you are not alone. At least one person in ten will have depression at least once in his or her life. Depression in its various forms (anxiety, stress, insomnia, fatigue, vague aches and pains, etc.) is one of the most common problems seen by doctors.
Women experience depression at a rate that is nearly twice that of men. The reasons may include things like hormonal changes, coping with multiple responsibilities, persistent negative thinking and low self-esteem, genetic reasons, medication side effects or situational reasons. Many women are also particularly vulnerable after the birth of a baby. The hormonal and physical changes, as well as the added responsibility of a new life, can be factors that lead to postpartum depression in some women. While transient "blues" are common in new mothers, a full-blown depressive episode is not a normal occurrence and requires active intervention.
Although men are less likely to suffer from depression than women, 6 million men in the United States are affected by the illness. In fact, the rate of suicide in men is four times that of women (though more women attempt it). Depression may be more difficult to recognize in men, because instead of feeling hopeless and helpless, men will exhibit irritability, anger and discouragement. Men often mask their depression with alcohol, drugs or by the socially acceptable habit of working excessively long hours.
Additionally, men are less likely to admit to depression and doctors are less likely to suspect it. Even if a man realizes that he is depressed, he may be less willing than a woman to seek help. Encouragement and support from concerned family members can make a difference.
Depression is a mood disorder that causes you to feel sad or hopeless for an extended period of time. It is important to know the difference in clinical depression and having the blues. Depression is an illness that robs one of the meanings of life.
Depression is not about being weak, and it is not about just feeling low or having a few bad days. A depressive disorder is an illness that involves the body, mood and thoughts. It affects the way a person eats and sleeps, the way one feels about oneself and the way one thinks about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Many people with depression produce a higher-than-normal level of the stress hormone, cortisol. Cortisol suppresses the immune system.
People with poor health may run from doctor to doctor putting out one fire after another when the underlying cause may be depression.
Depression affects the length and quality of life. It is the #1 cause of alcoholism, drug abuse and other addictions. Depression can be an all-pervasive emotional-mental-physical source of misery. It can affect all aspects of a person's life impairing the ability to sleep, eat, work and get along with others. It damages our self-esteem, self-confidence and our ability to accomplish everyday tasks. Depression is not just feeling down; it puts a dark, gloomy cloud over how we see the world, our future and ourselves. The cloud cannot be willed away, nor can we ignore it and have it magically disappeared.
There is also a link between stress and depression. There is a complex relationship among stressful situations, our mind and body's reaction to stress and the onset of clinical depression. It is clear that some people develop depression after a stressful event in their lives, death of a loved one, the loss of a job or the end of a relationship. Stress can also occur as the result of a more positive event such as getting married, moving to a new city or starting a new job. It is not uncommon for either positive or negative events to become a crisis that precedes the development of clinical depression. Depression can be seasonal as well as situational with some finding the dreariness of winter months particularly tough. This is called SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder.
If you experience any of these distressing symptoms for more than two weeks, you should contact your doctor. And you should seek help immediately if you feel overwhelmed by depression and suicidal thoughts.
If you're wondering "Can you control depression, or does it just take over your life?", there's good news: depression is treatable! Many people with depression lead happy, full lives. Sadly, most people do not recognize this, and the symptoms of depression can keep someone from seeking treatment. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of: it is an illness that, without treatment, can last for weeks, months or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people who suffer from depression.
Psychotherapy is a common type of counseling that mostly involves taking a natural process. There is no brainwashing.
Prescription antidepressant medications simply restore the brain's natural levels of certain naturally produced neurotransmitters. You don't feel antidepressant medications in the way you feel other mood-altering drugs such as alcohol, tranquilizers or amphetamines. The improvements experienced with antidepressants seem to come from re-establishing natural levels of certain neurotransmitters produced by the brain.
Support groups are an excellent place to share experiences, suggestions, information, and, obviously, support. Perhaps the most important knowledge to be gained from support groups is that you are not alone. People often benefit by gathering with others going through similar experiences. Those who are healing from depression are no exception. There are also specialized support groups for people dealing with bipolar depression, depression related to PTSD, and more. No matter what you're going through, there are plenty of ways to find community and support.
This Guest Blog is written by Susan Gillpatrick, MEd, LPC, CTS with Centerstone (a not-for-profit organization with a wide range of mental health and addiction services for people of all ages.)
How are you feeling? - Take a mental health screening from Centerstone here.
