FACT: 1 in 3 teens know a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. That adds up to over 2 million women 25 and younger who are being abused by their boyfriends. One female abused by her boyfriend is too many. Two million is a tragedy.
But why? Why does this happen? Why are there so many young women who allow themselves to be abused? I asked you to help me by sending in your comments. What you had to say helped me understand so much better why this tragedy happens. So, let's get on with it.
Many abused girls stay in an abusive relationship because their abuser is often charming, persuasive, and manipulative. It's not like an abusive guy walks around with a big A tattooed on his forehead saying, Hey everybody. Look at me. I'm an abuser. No. He looks just like anybody else, and often has a very charming way about him. That is why so many people cannot believe he's abusive. At the beginning of the relationship, everything seems so wonderful. The romance goes into a whirlwind, full of excitement and attention and gifts at unexpected times. Mr. Charming talks much about love and quickly tells his new girlfriend she is the one for him and he is truly in love with her. Usually, the girl has never met someone so amazing. But what she does not understand is right beneath the veneer of charm and charisma is an angry, controlling, cruel, troubled young man who is about to put her through hell. Sooner or later, his true colors show through. Little by little, he turns on her. First in little ways: The put-downs, the jealousy, the controlling of her every move. While this relationship may still be exciting to her, it soon escalates into something ugly, degrading, and heartbreaking. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, not even from Mr. Charming. It took Bekka quite a while to figure all this out:
I was with an emotionally and mentally abusive guy for about a year. I stayed with him because he was a smooth talker and very manipulative. I didn't see it then until the very end. Now I see everything clearly.
Behind every abused teenage girl is the debilitating condition of low self-esteem. Almost every girl who is being abused is basically set up psychologically for it to happen. She often feels so low and unwanted that as long as some guy says he loves her, she will put up with almost anything. She is convinced she does not deserve and will never get a guy any better than the one who is treating her so poorly. Sarah has been there
Girls go after abusive and uncaring guys because they don't think that they deserve any better and/or that they could get any better. Any kind of attention is better than no attention. That's what I thought anyway. A slap across the face from time to time was better than drowning in a room all alone. A few harsh words from a guy who sometimes did love me could be brushed off...when compared to the mouthful of obscenities that would flow from the mouth of my Father.
If you are being abused by your boyfriend, you are suffering from low self-esteem. Your troubled boyfriend wants you to stay that way. But do you really want to stay stuck in that cruel, emotional mud? If not, ask yourself, what must I do to respect myself enough to get away from him?
Most teenage girls who are abused by their boyfriend think it's normal, all just part of their lives. No one deserves to be put down, shoved, hit, controlled, or pressured to have sex. Everyone deserves love and respect as God's children. The only problem is most girls who allow their boyfriends to abuse them don't know that. Because of their dysfunctional family, what is abnormal to everyone else is perfectly normal to them. Jessica nailed it when she wrote
My last relationship was abusive. I gave in because it was what I grew up with. My mother's boyfriend beat her while I was growing up, they were constantly arguing. Then she started hitting me and calling me names. I grew up thinking that was what a relationship was.
Is it any wonder why so many abused girls get caught up in sabotaging healthy dating relationships? Let's suppose for a moment a girl who is being hurt by her cruel boyfriend breaks up with him. She then starts dating someone who is kind, loving, and stable. Often, it doesn't take long for her to break off the relationship. Why? A stable relationship is just so foreign to her. There's not enough drama or an adrenaline rush with her new boyfriend. So often she will go back to another hurtful guy. Deb explains this powerful trap so well:
The abusive man and his behaviors is what they have come to know as normal. Therefore when a normal and nice guy comes along, bells and warning signs go off inside them. Something is not right with this guy. They can become untrusting because they do not know what his motives may be. Many times the abusive father says directly or indirectly that nice caring men are wimps. What girl could feel safe with a wimp? Yes safe. Abused girls feel safe with these abusers, believe it or not. The reverse would hold true for a girl who was bought up in a healthy home. Bells and [warning signs] would go off in her head and soul if she went out with an abusive guy, and she would be very distrusting of him.
It is easy for the abused girl to think she is in love with her abuser, when in fact she's not. What is so loving about being slapped, shoved, cursed, raped, and humiliated? That's not love. No matter what her feelings say, she is not in love, she just feels she is. When you are lost or have low self-esteem, your view of love is distorted. (Tiffany) Why would she feel like she's in love, even when she's being abused? Well, in her heart, at least she's not alone. She has a guy, and he pays her attention, even as cruel as he may be. She is trying very hard in this ugly dating drama to help him and rescue him and that makes her feel better about herself. She doesn't know what he's going to do next, so she's always on edge, obsessing over what he might do. She thinks it's exciting he is suffocatingly jealous of her. She simply does not understand in her warped way of feeling that what she is experiencing is not love. True love shows kindness, respect, understanding, and wants to protect the partner from as much hurt as possible. Sadly, many abused girls don't get it. They truly feel they are in love. How sad.
There are many other reasons why girls are abused by their boyfriends. But hopefully, this blog will help you get started in understanding why. If you are in an abusive relationship, I beg you to get out of it now. Take some time away from guys. Get to know yourself. Spend time with God. Heal up. And vow never to date an abusive guy again. You're so much better than that.
Have you lost your self-worth? You matter and here are 5 amazing reasons why!
If you think domestic violence won't affect you then this may change your mind. We hear from people all the time that are involved in abusive relationships and those volatile relationships - you never know what might happen next. We are here to share the facts with you as well as one girl's story of domestic violence that turned to tragedy. We also will share with you, where to get help and how to help someone that may be a victim of domestic violence.
Larsen was in her home when her violent ex-boyfriend showed up with a gun. She called 911, and the dispatchers said they heard gunshots while she was on the line with them. When police arrived at the scene, they found Larsen shot to death.
Here is Larsen's story:
Larson was 25 years old and worked at Tampa General Hospital as a NICU Nurse. She loved her work and loved that she was doing something worthwhile. As a single mother, she devoted her life to finding a cure for her autistic son, Aidric. She spent countless hours doing research, taking him to doctors and therapy. She had him on a gluten-free casein-free diet. Her dream was that Aidric would grow up to be a functioning adult. In fact, her drive to be a nurse stemmed from his autism and the hope to go into a specialized field to not only help her son but others. She was an amazing person. She was a force of nature that drew you in and drove you crazy! She was incredibly beautiful, kind, funny she had a contagious personality. She had a ton of friends and people just wanted her around because she could light up the room.
One day, she met a guy who owned a barbershop where she took her son to get his hair cut. He wooed her for a good 6 months before she agreed to go on a date. They were only together about 7 months and the very first time he became violent with her, she grabbed her son, left and never looked back. She filed for a protective injunction immediately after and got it. During the injunction process, his background came out. It turns out that two other women had restraining orders against him, and he had a list of charges against him, including cocaine trafficking.
She had a restraining order against him and had no contact for about a month. He had been stalking her and she filed reports with the police, but they couldn't prove it was him. She was a strong, smart woman and did everything within her power to protect herself and her son.
Larsen's murder was preplanned. He intended to run but only got one city away. He was running from the police, after the shooting when he lost control of his car and crashed it. The vehicle exploded and he burned to death.
Larsen's sister, Tracy says the only way she and her family are getting through the pain is by lots and lots of prayer. They are a large, very close and loving family. They have all been leaning on each other and they have many close friends who have shown them love and support. Tracy says: We seem to work in cycles, so when one person loses it, someone is there to pick them up and then we switch. If it wasn't for the strength of my family, I don't know if I could deal with this. We try to remember how much we loved her and laughed with her, and we are holding onto those memories I think that is the best we can do. (details shared by the victim's sister, Tracy, adapted from Tracy's interview with blogger, Sarah Von Bargen)
Here is Tracy's advice to a friend or family member that may know someone experiencing domestic violence:
Get in their business. WAY IN. Tell them the truth, hurt their feelings, get angry with them. Be real with them. I think the situation of my sister was very different than most domestic violence cases so it is hard for me to compare what she did to what others may be going through. All I know is that we knew something was off with that man and we let it slide because he was full of excuses that Larsen believed. No one ever thinks that someone they know, or love will kill them, but it happens ALL THE TIME.
My family is now those people' and as cliche', as it is, if it can happen to us, it can happen to you. Think about a little boy who no longer has his mother, think about your sister or daughter or best friend being murdered because you wanted to support their decision to stay. And please, follow your instincts. You don't need to stay with anyone that is violent or abusive. Don't let shame or pride keep you in a bad situation or keep you from talking to someone who is. Our hope by sharing this story is that someone will learn from our tragedy.
The Facts
Does your partner ever...
If any of this sound familiar and you suspect you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you are not alone. There is help for you.
You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1.800.799.7233 or CHAT with them HERE.
And here are a few ideas, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline that you can do to help end domestic violence and
support survivors:
Larsen's parents gave ABC Action News an exclusive interview. Watch it here:
https://youtu.be/l4gRMDgVniM
Related Posts:
How To Find a Meaningful Relationship
How To Know It's Really Love
4 Ways to Avoid Heartbreak
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy
References
Bargen, S. V. (2011, April 11) TRUE STORY: I LOST MY SISTER TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic Violence: Statistics and Facts, Safe Horizon, Retrieved October 26, 2015.
10 Signs of Domestic Violence & Abuse, Retrieved October 26, 2015.
How to Find Help from Domestic Violence, Safety.com.
What should you do when you see bullying going on? Should you take sides? Should you defend the victim?
Our friend, Brooks Gibbs, is here to give us some practical advice that answers these questions. Gibbs is a youth crisis counselor, bullying expert, youth speaker, author of Love is Greater Than Hate, and friend of TheHopeLine. He offers a unique and important perspective on what you should do when you see bullying occurring, and how you can be a part of bullying intervention.
Bullying Intervention: TheHopeLine.com - YouTube
A lot of people would say stand up for the victim and stand up against the bully. But I see a problem with that approach. The problem I have is that you don’t really know who is the victim and who is the bully all the time. The lines are not always that clean. Social, interpersonal, relational issues are super complicated. You are not sure who threw the first word or who offended who first. In fact, when I work with bullies often times they say, "I’m not a bully I’m a victim." Most bullies feel like victims and that’s why they are mean.
So when you see bullying occur between two people or a group of people understand that you can’t just take sides with one or the other. You can’t have a judgmental attitude or mindset that says this is an innocent victim and this is a guilty bully. You just have to realize that these are two people who have offended each other and you are not sure where it started.
So the best thing you can do is work one-on-one with the person you have a relationship with. So after the conflict is over. After you see the bullying scenario play out, when they go their separate ways, start talking with the person you have the relationship with. Say, "Hey man, what did they do to offend you?” Get the back story. Not because you are trying to meddle in their business, but in the spirit of trying to help them discover a way to solve the social problem. And let me tell you how to encourage them to solve it.
You tell them that no matter what their hater has done, no matter how mean the person was, no matter what the offense was...Forgive. As long as there wasn’t a crime being committed, let it slide. If the offense hurt their feelings, that is in their capacity to forgive. Forgiveness is releasing the enemy from the responsibility to fix the problem. And in return they are released from their hatred...released from their anger.
That’s the quickest way to bring peace and harmony in the midst of people in conflict. Always be a person that promotes forgiveness. You can still have a conversation saying, “What is this all about? Why are you guys in conflict? Why are you guys fighting?" But at the end of your conversation you must promote forgiveness. If you are a messenger of forgiveness, then ultimately you are a messenger of peace. Be a peacemaker.
Victims of bullying, and the bullies themselves, are at a higher risk of depression. Click to learn how depression is linked to bullying.
