To Love or Not to Love?
A lot of people read my blogs, not because I'm such a great blogger, but because the topic touches right where we live. Just about everyone reaches out to be loved, but love is full of risks. To love is to be vulnerable and therefore easily hurt by the people we love the most. God designed us to love, for He is love Himself. For us to not love others causes a certain death deep inside of us. I received a comment this week from an anonymous person.
He said,"I have a better piece of advice: Don't ever fall in love in the first place. Just don't do it. It always leads to heartbreak and it's never worth it. If you never let yourself fall in love with anyone, then you will never have to worry about getting over a broken heart. It's as simple as that."
I DISAGREE with Anonymous. Being hurt is not the worst thing that will ever happen to us. Not to love is far worse.
So how do you get over a heartbreak that will most assuredly, at some point, come your way? I have come up with 15 ways to get over a broken heart. You can read the list here:
The list includes warnings of things to avoid and ways to move on as well as things that will help you heal. In this blog, I am expanding on steps to help you heal.
How to get over a heartbreak: 6 Steps to Healing a Broken Heart
1. Take heart. You will get through this.
Having your heart broken over a relationship is going to hurt, in part because of what heartbreak does to your brain, your body, and your mindset. You could lose your appetite, as well as your desire to do much of anything but lay in bed and ache. It is possible that you may experience shortness of breath from crying. Your ribs may ache, and your eyes may swell. It’s almost like your heart will burst. Confusion might rule your brain. You might feel as bad as you have ever felt. It seems no one can help you.
But you will get through this. There are ways to move on after heartbreak. These intense symptoms begin to subside a little bit at a time, just not soon enough for you. The problem is you may be letting this one event blind you so you cannot see the good things happening in your life. Like the old retro song goes, “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.” There is a reason there are so many songs written about a broken heart. Consider the tens of millions who have gone through what you’re experiencing. They made it and so will you. So, take heart and hold on.
2. Talk to someone who cares.
I heard someone say once that 90% of good counseling is just talking out how you feel. It’s amazing how much better you feel when there’s someone you can talk to who totally understands what you’re going through. The person you are sharing your feelings with can help you feel less alone when everything feels hopeless. It’s kind of like when a guy gets hurt on the football field injuring his knee. Two of his teammates get around him and help carry him off the field. That’s what happens when you have a broken heart. When someone is there, they can help strengthen you when you hurt the most.
The people who suffer the most from heartbreak are those who have no one to help them. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble." So, find a friend or family member, someone you can trust to keep your secrets and talk it out. You’ll be glad you did.
"Talking to someone who you know, and trust will help you greatly. A pastor or just a great friend who maybe is older than you and has more experience with heartbreaks is wonderful. They tell you how they lived and moved on and help you out very much." (Kaitlyn)
3. Allow yourself to be human and feel the pain.
One of the ways we know we are human and truly alive is that we feel pain. Going through a break-up can be very difficult. It's hard to feel such raw emotions, especially when there's no magic solution to make heartbreak go away. This proves we are human.
It is extremely important to let those raw emotions out. Find a safe place where you are comfortable and if possible, let the tears flow. It is our body’s way of ridding itself of the pain and hurt. There was a hit a while back called "Big Girls Don’t Cry" by Fergie. She’s wrong. Big girls are really healthy girls when they show emotion. Some people run from their hurts when really, they should embrace them. It’s only when we feel our pain are we able to honestly deal with it and move on. If we don’t, that pain will reappear somewhere else, usually in an unhealthy way.
"No one wants to be hurt, and when we are, our first instinct is to block it out. Unfortunately, the best ways to block something like that out is through destructive behavior like substance abuse, cutting, and the like. Even worse, the release doesn’t last, and you end up worse off than you were before." (Jonathan)
4. Take your broken heart to God.
If you're wondering how to get over the girl who broke your heart or how move on from your ex-boyfriend, you can turn to God for help. There are those who may think this bit of advice is needless. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here’s why.
You and I were created to love and be loved. When we get down to it, all we really want is to know there is someone who knows all about us and still loves us no matter what. Only God can love us this way. When we have that foundation of knowing we are loved no matter what, we can have the strength to face rejection from others. Only God can give us a deep sense of being loved because He always does, no matter what.
It says in the Bible, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself." So go ahead. Tell God everything you feel about your broken heart. He is there to listen and to help heal you.
"It is very important to go to God after you’ve had a bad relationship. God is the ONLY one who will heal your broken heart." (-Osman)
5. Give yourself time to heal.
If your heart has been broken, it will take time for you to completely heal. At the time of the break-up, almost everyone thinks they will never feel normal again. But God has designed us so we will heal from wounds. It’s amazing to see how our human spirit comes back again. Some people heal faster than others. Some people’s emotions go deeper than others. The deeper your emotions, the longer it will take to heal. But sooner or later you will begin to feel alive again and you will learn to accept this new feeling. Don’t fight the healing process and you will be on your way to smiling again in no time. So be patient with yourself. You will get through this.
"The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. It’s going to hurt for a while and some days will be better than others, but you will eventually get over the person you lost." (Lindsey)
6. Learn lessons from the experience.
It’s not if difficult things will happen to us. It is inevitable that they will. The question is can we learn from the experience? If we don’t learn, we will keep doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same response. So during this time of hurt, you might want to ask yourself some meaningful questions about your broken relationship. For example, did your relationship include these important things from both you and your partner:
- Open communication
- Sensitivity to each other's feelings
- Trust
- Ability to see things from each other's perspective
Answers to these and other questions can help you be a much deeper person, better equipped for your next relationship.
"It is always easy to remember that life goes on, no one promised it would be easy, but everything happens for a reason. And if it is something that will change your life, then let it." (Brian T.)
Also, check out my other blogs – 5 Ways to Move Forward After a Broken Heart and 4 Things to Avoid to Save You From Further Heartbreak
I was a weak nerdy kid growing up who never opened up to others. I fell in love with a classmate in 2013. We have been together for 5 and a half years. It was like a fairy tale in the beginneing, for almost the first 2.5 years. Then the giddiness and the thrill of it normalized. We were still in a lot of love. We went beautiful places together, camping, road trips, we stayed together, worked in the same company, built forts together with pillows and bedsheets. There was a lot of strain from work especially on her end for the past 5 months. She had been struggling with all the work loads. I did not help her out during that time and did not connect as i should have. In my defense, I too was under a lot of work pressure but she did take out time to talk to me about how she was feeling with all the pressure. I had to travel internationally for a business trip for a month and that is when she found mental comfort with that guy. I guess they texted for long duration and she was expressing her feelings to him. When i got back she was already very distant from me. She stopped having lunches with me. Started staying late in office. Would directly go to sleep. She did feel guilty i guess from the inside. This one night I had a severe case of chest pain and she stayed up all night to make sure i was okay. I could see her watching me longingly. I loved being smothered and pampered by her, I did the same for her. At this time i had also expressed my intentions to marry her soon. Not an official proposal, that was to be this summer but something. I think she felt to guilty about it that she became even more distant from me. I was hurting a lot all this time because i spent all my time with her for the last 5 years. I grew away from friends and only had her. I started to panic in office when i wouldn't hear from her. I felt claustrophobic in my own office. I had to walk out at these times.
She broke up with me this Sunday. It was horrible. She told me how she went on a secret movie date with this guy. I couldn't even bear to hear it. It was so terrible for me. I felt so low. Like me pulse had gone down all of a sudden. I couldn't eat that night nor sleep for even a minute. Next morning i felt so horrible, i could eat the breakfast at all. I haven't eaten much even since and don''t feel like that all. I don't have any friends locally. i haven't slept since, eaten since and feel so low when i am by myself. i cannot fathom that something so beautiful and warm is now going away from me. I cannot bear that soon i won't be able to kiss her goodnight and won't be able to kiss her good morning. She comforted me in my darkest hours, she would just place her hand over my back and i felt better with all that warmth. Now she is gone and i have nothing to comfort me. Will this ever end? Does it ever heal? Will i get over her? I cannot let her go since i never stopped loving her even though she did. I feel so rejected, abandoned, lost and alone.
Thank you
Hi,
I am struggling with my breakup that happened 10 months ago. We met filming a TV show and had a bit of a rocky start (he had had a girlfriend but broke up with her after we met, I wasn't over my ex) but after working together for 6 months, taking a break for 3 months, we both decided to make it work. He lived in Canada I lived in the USA. After the show wrapped, we did long distance and didn't go longer than a month without seeing each other. He would take countless red-eyes to be with me, we'd meet in beautiful places like Mexico, Colorado and he'd come to LA where I lived and I went to Toronto often. We decided together I would move to Canada. I got the visa and in July of 2017, I quit my job in LA and moved to Canada. We lived together and things were great. He's loving, patient, kind and perfect, but I had some doubts - my own insecurities of past relationships, issues with trust and I think I struggled with starting over in Canada. I made new friends, had a decent job, and we were together. He spoiled me with beautiful gifts and flowers constantly, I gave him beautiful things as well. We really worked well together, we understood one another, respected on another and really cared for each other. I did have doubts though, I wasn't totally attracted to him physically at times (not always), and I began questioning if I was in love. I would talk down those emotions and feelings I had inside of myself (they turned into constant feelings/doubts) because he was so kind, so giving, and we really cared for one another. I would say, I would I give this up? He's so great, just ignore your doubts, you're thinking crazy.
On December 2nd, he proposed and I said yes. We quickly jumped into planning, I bought my wedding dress by the second week of January. We chose a destination wedding in Mexico, it was going to be magical. We set the date for May 2019. In April, I went away to Vancouver for work and as I was sitting alone in a hotel room after working for the day, something hit me. I wasn't ready. I wasn't in love. I didn't know if I could love him forever. I knew if I walked down the aisle in front of all of our friends and family and told him, I promise to love you forever, I would be lying because I didn't know if I could.
I talked myself out of it, I just said I was having wedding jitters and went about my job and began calling everyone on the guest list as I drove back across Canada from Vancouver to Toronto. When I got home, there he was, and I was happy. That night though, we got in an argument over the visas, when to get married so I can keep working, etc. He wanted to get married in December, 1 year after we got engaged. I wanted to wait until April, a month before the wedding. It was a silly argument but I told him I don't want to get married for visas, I want to get married to because I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
That night we went back to our condo and my body reacted in a way I never expected. It was a true panic attack. I was losing my mind, I couldn't breathe, could hardly speak, was shaking and crying and I couldn't get in bed next to him. He didn't understand what was wrong and I kept saying "it's the wedding, it's the wedding" but I had realized it was the marriage, not the wedding. It wasn't until the next day that I broke it off.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. He was blindsided and shocked, but I had to end it. Our departure was kind and loving, he even bought me boxes to help me pack. He didn't stop fighting for me, but I couldn't stay. I told him he should get a dog, and he did and I think that helped him heal. I went back to the US, went hiking on the AT, tried to figure out my next steps. Where do I live? Where am I going to work? What am I going to do?
I now live in Colorado (I moved here to be close with family), I'm in therapy, I work full time as a virtual exec assist (I work from home, so it's tough not being around people all the time, but it's all good), and the extent of my dating life is online.
I found out 2 days ago, my ex has met someone. My friend follows him on instagram and saw it. I begged to use her login and scope her out. There she was, beautiful, very Canadian looking, personal trainer, inspirational, and walking her dog and his dog. They probably cook beautiful healthy meals together and are super fit. I am genuinely happy for him - he deserves the love I couldn't give him, and that's why I left. But I'm still sad, I am still so incredibly hurt. It's only been 10 months and he's already dating again? Our wedding date was May 3rd of this year - how can he be with someone else on that date? I think I am really struggling because I haven't met someone, I haven't really been dating, I spend a lot of my time alone (due to my job and living in a new city), and when I think of the last time I had companionship, love, and a best friend - it was him. So I miss our memories - I sometimes miss him. Just talking and hearing about each others days, how thoughtful he was etc. But I think I just feel more alone knowing he's moved on.
It's different though - he didn't have to leave his job, his friends, his city, his family - he just had to deal with me leaving. And he lives in a place where he walks out his condo door, there's 1000's of people. He works for a corporation with hundreds of employees. Where I had to move back to the USA, find a new job, find out where to live (I lived with my brother his wife and their 2 kids to save $$ for my home purchase), I don't have a ton of friends here - so I think seeing him happy is just a reminder of the things I don't have. A dog (which I want but because I'll be traveling a lot more for my job can't get one), an intimate relationship, a great career....etc.
I'm just hurting, I feel like I am mourning the loss all over again. I am genuinely happy for him though - I care about him and want what's best for him. I just also am struggling with the loss. I'm just wondering if I will heal soon? Or do I have to meet someone else in order to heal completely? I almost called him yesterday to check in, but didn't. I don't want to cause him anymore pain than he has already had because of me. I guess I just selfishly want to know he still cares and what we shared was good and that he hasn't forgotten me, because more now than ever - I don't forget him and what we shared.
Sincerely,
Broken-hearted
Hi,
Let me know if you need to talk. I just got a heart break after 5 and half years in a beautiful relationship. I got dumped this sunday and feel like my life is completely out of control ever since. It was my first relationship and hence my first breakup. I would really love to exchange feelings with you since i have no one now.
I’m in love with a girl who left the state a week ago, my heart is aching and she’s all I think about, I hurt her with my words, words I would give anything to take back,,,I just want to say to everyone hurting that God will heal our broken hearts,,,I give her to Him and then I take her back,,,I Trust Him and His will for me,,,,we have to believe and I do that there is a greater plan for us ? Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth,,,and I am growing,,,,love, love, love
my boyfriend of almost 4 years got another girl pregnant and is now acting as if i dont exist he continuously says he loves me but i think he is only doing it to spare my feelings. i lost my 2 bestfriends over an argument i now they hate me i feel like my life is over
I know what you are going through, I'm going through the same thing. The father of my 2 children got another girl pregnant and he says that he's sorry and wants to fix things. How are we gonna fix things when there is a constant remind of what he did to me. I love him but I cannot stand the sight of him and I don't wanna leave him for that girl.
hey janelle I feel you right now, my ex boyfriend for 4 years and 2 months got her ex girlfriend pregnant. I dont know how to react and until now I just can't believe that he did it to me. Nobody knows what I've through right, my family didnt know yet and I dont know how to tell them because they all know that my ex and I and still together </3. I know God will guide us. Let just pray always that one day we'll wake up and everything is fine.