To Love or Not to Love?
A lot of people read my blogs, not because I'm such a great blogger, but because the topic touches right where we live. Just about everyone reaches out to be loved, but love is full of risks. To love is to be vulnerable and therefore easily hurt by the people we love the most. God designed us to love, for He is love Himself. For us to not love others causes a certain death deep inside of us. I received a comment this week from an anonymous person.
He said,"I have a better piece of advice: Don't ever fall in love in the first place. Just don't do it. It always leads to heartbreak and it's never worth it. If you never let yourself fall in love with anyone, then you will never have to worry about getting over a broken heart. It's as simple as that."
I DISAGREE with Anonymous. Being hurt is not the worst thing that will ever happen to us. Not to love is far worse.
So how do you get over a heartbreak that will most assuredly, at some point, come your way? I have come up with 15 ways to get over a broken heart. You can read the list here:
The list includes warnings of things to avoid and ways to move on as well as things that will help you heal. In this blog, I am expanding on steps to help you heal.
How to get over a heartbreak: 6 Steps to Healing a Broken Heart
1. Take heart. You will get through this.
Having your heart broken over a relationship is going to hurt, in part because of what heartbreak does to your brain, your body, and your mindset. You could lose your appetite, as well as your desire to do much of anything but lay in bed and ache. It is possible that you may experience shortness of breath from crying. Your ribs may ache, and your eyes may swell. It’s almost like your heart will burst. Confusion might rule your brain. You might feel as bad as you have ever felt. It seems no one can help you.
But you will get through this. There are ways to move on after heartbreak. These intense symptoms begin to subside a little bit at a time, just not soon enough for you. The problem is you may be letting this one event blind you so you cannot see the good things happening in your life. Like the old retro song goes, “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.” There is a reason there are so many songs written about a broken heart. Consider the tens of millions who have gone through what you’re experiencing. They made it and so will you. So, take heart and hold on.
2. Talk to someone who cares.
I heard someone say once that 90% of good counseling is just talking out how you feel. It’s amazing how much better you feel when there’s someone you can talk to who totally understands what you’re going through. The person you are sharing your feelings with can help you feel less alone when everything feels hopeless. It’s kind of like when a guy gets hurt on the football field injuring his knee. Two of his teammates get around him and help carry him off the field. That’s what happens when you have a broken heart. When someone is there, they can help strengthen you when you hurt the most.
The people who suffer the most from heartbreak are those who have no one to help them. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble." So, find a friend or family member, someone you can trust to keep your secrets and talk it out. You’ll be glad you did.
"Talking to someone who you know, and trust will help you greatly. A pastor or just a great friend who maybe is older than you and has more experience with heartbreaks is wonderful. They tell you how they lived and moved on and help you out very much." (Kaitlyn)
3. Allow yourself to be human and feel the pain.
One of the ways we know we are human and truly alive is that we feel pain. Going through a break-up can be very difficult. It's hard to feel such raw emotions, especially when there's no magic solution to make heartbreak go away. This proves we are human.
It is extremely important to let those raw emotions out. Find a safe place where you are comfortable and if possible, let the tears flow. It is our body’s way of ridding itself of the pain and hurt. There was a hit a while back called "Big Girls Don’t Cry" by Fergie. She’s wrong. Big girls are really healthy girls when they show emotion. Some people run from their hurts when really, they should embrace them. It’s only when we feel our pain are we able to honestly deal with it and move on. If we don’t, that pain will reappear somewhere else, usually in an unhealthy way.
"No one wants to be hurt, and when we are, our first instinct is to block it out. Unfortunately, the best ways to block something like that out is through destructive behavior like substance abuse, cutting, and the like. Even worse, the release doesn’t last, and you end up worse off than you were before." (Jonathan)
4. Take your broken heart to God.
If you're wondering how to get over the girl who broke your heart or how move on from your ex-boyfriend, you can turn to God for help. There are those who may think this bit of advice is needless. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here’s why.
You and I were created to love and be loved. When we get down to it, all we really want is to know there is someone who knows all about us and still loves us no matter what. Only God can love us this way. When we have that foundation of knowing we are loved no matter what, we can have the strength to face rejection from others. Only God can give us a deep sense of being loved because He always does, no matter what.
It says in the Bible, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself." So go ahead. Tell God everything you feel about your broken heart. He is there to listen and to help heal you.
"It is very important to go to God after you’ve had a bad relationship. God is the ONLY one who will heal your broken heart." (-Osman)
5. Give yourself time to heal.
If your heart has been broken, it will take time for you to completely heal. At the time of the break-up, almost everyone thinks they will never feel normal again. But God has designed us so we will heal from wounds. It’s amazing to see how our human spirit comes back again. Some people heal faster than others. Some people’s emotions go deeper than others. The deeper your emotions, the longer it will take to heal. But sooner or later you will begin to feel alive again and you will learn to accept this new feeling. Don’t fight the healing process and you will be on your way to smiling again in no time. So be patient with yourself. You will get through this.
"The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. It’s going to hurt for a while and some days will be better than others, but you will eventually get over the person you lost." (Lindsey)
6. Learn lessons from the experience.
It’s not if difficult things will happen to us. It is inevitable that they will. The question is can we learn from the experience? If we don’t learn, we will keep doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same response. So during this time of hurt, you might want to ask yourself some meaningful questions about your broken relationship. For example, did your relationship include these important things from both you and your partner:
- Open communication
- Sensitivity to each other's feelings
- Trust
- Ability to see things from each other's perspective
Answers to these and other questions can help you be a much deeper person, better equipped for your next relationship.
"It is always easy to remember that life goes on, no one promised it would be easy, but everything happens for a reason. And if it is something that will change your life, then let it." (Brian T.)
Also, check out my other blogs – 5 Ways to Move Forward After a Broken Heart and 4 Things to Avoid to Save You From Further Heartbreak
I am 30 years old and I have been with my husband for 10 years.We have been blessed with two beautiful children.He got a job out of our country and its been a long distance relationship for 3 years now.He comes for 5 months then he is usually away for like 7 .It hasn’t been an easy 3years and we even broke up in 2017 just after i lost my dad.We were split for like 6 months then when he came we decided to forgive each other and vowed to make things work.it was great when he was around and left again for work in 2018.While he was away he used to have his insecurities but I used to assure him and even send prove of all am doing.It was not until he came I found out through his phone he was actually the one cheating on me with someone we both knew.The lady he was cheating on me with lives also far away so they actually dint meet but they would send each other love messages and nude photos.It broke me to pieces and he couldn’t use distance as an excuse cause even her she was far.He begged me to forgive him which took time but I did and we got back together.We enforced new things in our marriage that we believed would make it work and when he went back again I believed we were on the right track this time.This was until recently when i found out he lied to me about going out with his friends for some late night party.I confronted him but he kept denying even telling me things like he cant jeopardize our relationship and trust knowing where we have come from, till I gave him prove thats when he admitted and started apologizing claiming he knew if he told me the truth I would be pissed.I have since broken up with him.He says I shouldnt break up with him over him being dishonest but the problem is it is deeper than that.We were still so fragile to a point something as simple as a small lie can trigger us.If he can lie to me over such a small thing then what else cant he lie about?I keep crying everyday,i cant believe I let myself fall for his empty promises again.I love him so much and he claims he does too but I don’t believe him.I don’t believe anything he says.Am soo broken.I have been with this guy for 10years,how am I to even move on past him?Am scared if he comes back for his break from work he will find a way to convince me,deep down I know I want to but it can never be the same.I have lost all the trust in him.I was still healing from his infidelity then he decides to take me back to zero.How is it that someone claims they love you only to hurt you?How is that okay?How does he sleep knowing his actions will cause me immense pain??I do not know what to do or tell him.Am soo heart broken and so hurt.Am blaming myself for being a fool and allowing him to take me through this over and over again..Please tell me what to do.He is a great guy,other than this weakness we have a great time.We are each others best friends,people actually admire what we have.He is an amazing father to our kids.I am afraid of how things will be without him.He will still be part of my life cause of the kids these means we will still see each other even after this break up.Am soo confused.Please advice me on what to do
Hi Miss WC,
you wrote you still love your husband and that is good. I don't know if you are a believer, because if yes I will tell you to let God fix this relationship for you. Go on ur knees and pray to God. The devil hates marriage and hate to see couples been happy. His mission is to destroy marriages. Please don't give up your marriage, try your best through prayers and see what God can do. I don't think its the will of God to get divorce. I wish you all the best and all the energy and strengh that you may need to be successful.
My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me the second time in our relationship this year (the second time i have caught him, don't know about the others). Its been a little over a month and i'm still hurting. We are back together, he's apologized and is willing to do everything and be the best he can be according to him but the problem is i've heard these same words before the first time he cheated. I don't know if i can ever be happy again, if i can ever get over the pain. The pain is excruciating. It hurts me that i love him so much. I have never cheated nor been unfaithful to him not even once and yet, he's done it twice now. We have a very open relationship that was based of communication over every little detail. Why couldn't he tell me when his feelings were changing? Why couldn't he just tell me i wasn't doing something right so we wouldn't get this shattered. I'm struggling to live each day. I keep blaming myself that i am not good enough. I doubt every word that comes out of his mouth now. Every action he makes, I feel its insincere; he's just trying to let us get through this. What happens later when everything is resolved? Should I be expecting another heartbreak? I can't eat, I've lost interest in a lot of things. I already struggle with mental issues and this heartbreak just brought back everything. I have been contemplating suicide cause i can't get over this pain. I don't know what to do.
Red, Thank you for reaching out for help. You are good enough. It takes courage to tell your story and we want you to know you deserve to be treated better. You deserve a boyfriend that respects you and loves you and will not cheat on you. It's important that you continue to talk about this and how it is making you feel. Please stay strong. You are valuable and worthy! We have some resources we can give you to help you with these thoughts. We have a partner that you can help you through this. We are emailing you with some information to help you so please check your email. If you need someone to talk to right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 or chat online with them at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/. You can reach the Crisis Text Line 24/7 by texting “START” to 741-741 too.
Here is a list of additional suicide prevention resources https://www.thehopeline.com/suicide-prevention-resources.
Red, Please do not think that you are alone and give yourself time to heal. Don't for one minute place blame on yourself or undervalue your true unique self. Remember that people who cheat are people with issues and it wouldn't matter how kind, loving, loyal, supportive you are to them they would do it anyway. You haven't done anything wrong. So do not put pressure on yourself or try to own a problem that isn't yours, it's theirs and theirs alone. You sound like a beautiful caring person and somebody who really deserves better. They say love is blind and I'm afraid it really is.
Sometimes it takes us a while to really figure it out. Someone once said to me something that I have never forgotten to help me with my heartache which I would like to pass on to you. Yes I've been cheated on to. Hopefully it will help you.
'One's self-pity never cures one's problems, but actions can move mountains and soften the hardest of hearts'.
There is a lot of truth in the saying 'once a cheat always a cheat' and only you would be able to decide if your could accept and forgive but remember your life is what you make it, your in charge and your the driver, You may also consider this phrase 'If you always do what you have always done, then you will always have what you have always got'.
God Bless Red, stay strong, I care. xxx
Red, please talk to a therapist or someone about your feelings. If you are thinking of suicide, you are in such a bad place. You need to stop blaming yourself. It's not you, it's him. There is NOTHING wrong with you. I think all of us have chosen the wrong person to let in and love at least once in our lives. That doesn't make you the problem. My personal opinion is "once a cheater, always a cheater". I only believe this because I've dealt with it multiple times. I too struggle with mental instability, trust issues...and because of this, I almost always choose the wrong man. And for reasons I don't quite understand, I continue to let the same man hurt me over and over again. It takes so much out of me, yet it feels like it takes just as much to end the cycle. So it continues. I continue to be broken while the man I'm with continues to live "the single life"...even though he clearly isn't single. You're not alone in this. Please seek help. You deserve better. Like me, I believe your self esteem is shot because of men like this. Try to build up your confidence and remember....you're worth so much more than what he's willing to give to you. I pray for you. Hope this has a happy outcome for you.
Hi red,
Life has so many invaluable things to offer. Never think of committing suicide. Baby God knows why he brought you to this world, because he has something special to offer you. You are worthy, beautiful, unique and special to God. Never forget that. Search for the love of God and you will never filled unloved. I wish you all the best. Be strong and think positive. You are worthy for someone.
It hurts so much knowing Im not talking to him anymore. my heart is broken, I wanna die . We didn’t break up but we are having a break for One week , and after one week he is going to tell me if he wants to be with me or not and it hurts me because what if he say No , Oh god im crying so muchhh . please guys what do you think he is going to say?! Give me some hope , he is my only one my bestfriend , I don’t trust no one Idk what to do. Im dying inside
Try to relax and try to not get yourself worked up by thinking the worst. If you are having a break, then it's a short break which might do you both good. Remember that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and it will give you some time for yourself. Use the time to go out shopping, enjoy yourself and show your partner that you have a life with or without him. God Bless.
I talk to God everyday. Every minute. Yet he does not come. Perhaps it’s only a human who can help me. God seems useless. They say don’t pray in vain but where the hell or heaven is God?
Nathan, We are sorry you are going through this pain and hurt you are experiencing. It is hard to understand why things happen the way they do. It is easy to cast the blame on God. Please hold on to the fact that God loves you. He loves your prayers and He hears them. He is there and He will take this pain away and give you comfort and peace. Be patient...His timing is not our timing, however, the Lord's timing is perfect. Someday you will look back on this challenging time and you will see how God helped you through this. In the meantime, please continue to talk about how you are feeling. It helps to talk about it. How about chatting online with one of our HopeCoaches at https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/ We also think you would benefit from having an email mentor. It would be someone that you can email back and for with for as long as like about anything. To sign up for an email mentor go to https://www.thehopeline.com/emailmentors/ And lastly, would you like to be part of a community that would pray LIVE for you on Facebook? You can find out more here: https://www.thehopeline.com/theprayershow/
I have no destructive behavior. I can only live. I cannot harm a fly or a bug. Yet I suffer beaten like pulp. My heart is beaten up for a poor non violent being that I am. I love everyone. I love her more than everyone.