Dawson’s Blog

Are You Being Pressured Into Having Sex?

pressure sex

Feeling pressured to have sex in a dating relationship is common, but not acceptable.

In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are being pressured to have sex with their boyfriends. And guys are also pressured to have sex with their girlfriends.

Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another.

Many of those who are pressured into having sex give in to it mostly because of the overwhelming fear of losing the person they really care about, if they don’t agree to have sex. I find that very often people who end up having a sexual relationship are simply doing whatever they think needs to be done to hold on to their bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. But in the process they lose their self-respect and gain the very real possibility of unwanted pregnancy, diseases, rape, bad reputation, and of course, a broken heart.

Some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. #relationshipprobs Click To Tweet

Becca has learned this the hard way, I was recently violated by a guy who I thought was a really great guy, but then he started pressuring me and now I hate him for it. We aren’t even talking anymore. If you’re a guy and you read this, can you please take this seriously and please respect the girl that you like and please don’t violate her! It can really make a big difference in anyone’s life.

What can you do if you’re feeling pressured to have sex?

If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag. Below are four thoughtful responses to the pressure- both to realize for yourself and to explain to your boyfriend or girlfriend.

1. Know where you stand in your convictions

Most people with strong values have a clear understanding of what they believe and are far less susceptible to giving in to things they don’t want to do.

Do you want to be a person who waits until they are married to have sex? It’s important to define for yourself why this important to you.

Are you aware of the power sex has to arouse deep emotions? Are you willing and able to bear the responsibility of a child?

Without strong convictions, the person you date could push their value system (or lack of!) onto you. Before you start talking to a guy or girl, make sure you know what you believe and why. This will be extremely helpful when you’re being pressured.

Juli wrote: It is easy to give in and say ‘yes’ but we have to prepare ahead of time so we can say ‘no.’ If you just wait until the moment, you easily cave in. My boyfriend pressured me so much and I gave in. I wish I hadn’t and I won’t again.

Related Posts:
How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
How To Know It’s Really Love
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

2. Talk about your Decision to Save Sex for Marriage

pressure to have sexExplain your desire to not have sex with your bf/gf.  Tell them that it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings, or your level of commitment. In fact, you like your bf/gf so much you don’t want to ruin a great relationship by having sex. This conversation takes a lot of courage because your pressuring partner may refuse to understand what you are saying. They may take it personally, or get mad and walk away. Nonetheless, the person who can talk things out is far happier than those who keep things deeply hidden.

Madison said: My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him, or have sex. I made a promise to God, my mom and my family that I wouldn’t do anything with a guy until I get married. My boyfriend always thinks that the reason I don’t want to do things with him is because I don’t like him which is so far from the truth.

If your boyfriend is really “a keeper,” he will understand and respect your decision.

3. While Waiting, Learn What Real Love Is

The term “love” is one of the most misunderstood and abused words in the dictionary. Sometimes, when a guy says to a girl, “I love you,” he is really saying, “I don’t love you, I love me and what sexual favors you do for me.” Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another. Love does not trash someone else’s deeply held values. Love is patient, and is willing to wait for the right time and the right person. Loves always looks after the other person first. Love is never selfish. When a guy really loves a girl, he will do everything he can to protect her.

Mandy wrote: [When I have sex,] I feel loved and wanted, that’s why I give in. Hoping that something will come out of it and it never does. If I can feel wanted, even if it’s in a sexual way, I like it, but yet on the other hand, I don’t. For the relatively few brief moments she is having sex, Mandy somehow feels loved. But after it’s over and she is alone again, those empty words leave her unfulfilled and searching for more. Mandy is confused about what love really is.

Someone once said, “Love can always wait to give. Lust can’t wait to get.”

Love can always wait to give. Lust can’t wait to get. #sex #relationships Click To Tweet

A lot of guys will say they love their girlfriend and think that if she really loved him, she would have sex with him. Either he doesn’t know what love is, or he’s lying about loving her. It’s easy to believe a lie when you want to. It is not easy to face the consequences of believing that lie.

4. Know When to Move On

Gury and Girl pressure If the pressure for sex does not let up, get rid of him or her. If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag that something isn’t right in your relationship. It is far better for you to lose your relationship, than to do something you will later regret.

Alli wrote: Three days into the “relationship” he started hinting that he wanted to make out with me. Then 6 days into the “relationship” we made out and then he started talking about sex. He tried to pressure me into it. He kept trying to do stuff, and I told him to stop. I didn’t give in, but I ended up breaking up with him the next day. Allie is smart. She knows that if your boyfriend is really “a keeper,” he will understand and respect your decision. Remember, most pressured relationships are not love, but rather, they are just uncovered needs, fantasy, confusion, and selfishness.

Heather wrote: [My boyfriend] knew I was insecure and vulnerable. I think that’s why he pressured me so much. He made it sound as if it was my obligation.

Some people won’t go into a relationship unless they know they will be able to have sex. Be prepared to be rejected. Just remember you won’t die, and in the end the respect you will have for yourself, and the pain avoided, will be well worth it.

The Bottom Line – It’s Your Body

You don’t ever have to do anything with your body you don’t want to do. Sex is not an indicator of love, or even of your level of commitment in a relationship. Sex is not an obligation. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. May God give you a boyfriend or girlfriend who deeply respects you.

You don’t have to do anything with your body you don’t want to do. Sex is not an indicator of love Click To Tweet

If you need help to stop getting into bad dating relationships and to find the right one, check out our eBook: Understanding Dating Relationships.

Dawson McAllister Dawson McAllister (born in New Kensington, Pennsylvania) is an American speaker, radio host, and author. He is the founder of Dawson McAllister Association and TheHopeLine and host of the national radio program Dawson McAllister Live, which is aired on Sunday nights. Dawson has been speaking to and in support of teenagers and young adults for over 40 years.
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  • val

    Hi this post was really helpful. I just broke up with my boyfriend because he kept pressuring me to have sex. Now while him and I was in a relationship we were intimate but I started feeling convicted. We started to go to church together regularly and I was praying and reading my Word more and I could not keep getting close to Jesus and sinning. He thought I didn’t love him or I wasn’t into him. And it wasn’t the case. I just choose to serve one master and that is God. So thank you for posting this.

  • Yolanda

    I love the text,now what i need to do is talk to my boyfriend and tell him that i can’t obey him and disobey GOD,cause GOD punishes and my boyfriend is just a boy, he is not GOD because no one in this world is GOD except the LORD himself,thank you,it really helped, i hope you help others too and keep on doing what you are doing:D

    • Rhys

      I boy and my girlfriend shy Nefer Lisan to me way shy lack it I hat I fell so up set shy toucan ofer my leaf shy 18 and I am 18 son

      Shy Nefer hat sex be for bat I hat it shy keep asking for sex wot sot I do I love her bat I don’t won’t sex in my leaf yet

  • Aari Brea

    Wow…i can say that i truely can relate to everything that i just read. And im a 16 year old girl in high school wanting to go to college. But i almost threw all of that away dealing with my 19 year old ex boyfriend who was a crook. All he talked about was having sex and having kids. And i mean sure it all felt good to hear those things but i dont want kids. And I never told him that cause i was afraid.

  • Aari Brea

    And plus having sex with him meant disobeying my parents. But he just always wanted it to be about him. He even said that I should come live with him. My parents would hate me for that. And I didnt want to lose him but I also love my family first. So anyways I just broke up with him a couple days ago and its killing me inside. He promised he would never leave me no matter what

  • Aari Brea

    But he threatend to leave me if i didnt have sex with him. So i chose to leave because I tried to convince myself that i would not disrespect my body, my family, or my beliefs…but im really hurt. I do miss him and I do love him…and sometimes I still have regrets about leaving him while the other part of me says that I did the right thing.

    • Resoluteman

      never regret, you have done what you had to do. Bear in mind that if anyone leaves you because you don’t want to have sex with him before marriage which is pretty understandable and the best sign of integrity and self-respecting , he has never truly loved you, he loved your body and wanted to take advantage of that as a tool to satisfy his daily pleasures. Don’t worry you’ve made the right choice for your future.

  • mooka

    my boyfriend is 17 and im 16 and he dosent make me hae sex with him but hes not realy wanting to have sex i want to o why lol

  • Rhys

    Help me my girlfriend love sex but I don’t
    She say sex is meant to happen
    But I love her

  • Amber

    I’m only 13 and so is my bf but all my bf talks about is sex. Then one day we were all alone so he took me somewhere where no one would find us and started making out with me. Then he touched me all over the place. Then he took me to his house and started pulling off my clothes and started taking off his clothes and then he started having sex with me. Can you please tell me what to do to make him stop having sex with me. he tries to have sex with me every single day after school and we are only in middle school

  • Dodge

    I was only 16, she was 18. All she talked about was how having sex was healthy and that because we were girlfriend and boyfriend it was something we were supposed to do. I didn’t want to have sex when she asked so I said “no I don’t feel that we are ready” she replied by asking if it was because I didn’t really love her, I told her that I did and she said that I had broken her trust and that I could only prove it through sex. I hated it. I left as soon as I could, I felt wrong, I questioned myself and couldn’t sleep or talk to her for days. I finally found the courage to end the relationship. All I wish for is closure, that day haunts me and I just want someone to confirm my thoughts that even though I said no and did it anyway that it wasn’t me at fault. I blame myself for not stopping the whole situation from happening and standing my ground. I feel like I can’t tell anyone not even those closest to me…

    • suzie

      Hi Dodge, I’m sorry that you’ve had this experience. It sounds as though you clearly told this woman that you did not want to have sex. She put pressure on you, and used emotional blackmail/coersion by the sounds of what you say. No-one, guy or girl should be pressured to have sex. Consent is only consent when it is freely given. You have done nothing wrong and the blame is not yours to carry.I’m glad you found the courage to end this relationship. I hope you are able to get support with this, maybe by confiding in someone you trust or with a counsellor. It sounds important that you find someone to help you process all of this. I wish you well.

  • I am really proud of you for staying strong. It sounds like your girlfriend has mixed up ideas about what love really is. You are showing her respect by not giving in. If you want to talk with someone our HopeCoaches are available online 24/7 http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/

  • It sounds like you are noticing some important things about your boyfriend – he doesn’t share the same beliefs, he has a temper, he is pressuring you to have sex and uses the phrase “bang” to refer to sex. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who shares the same beliefs, doesn’t pressure you, doesn’t anger easily, and who views sex as something beautiful and precious rather than calling it “banging”? You are worth more than that! Please contact a HopeCoach to talk more about this. We are here for you 24/7 – all chats are free and private. http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
    We also have a free eBook about self-worth. Sometimes when we choose bad relationships it is because we don’t believe we are worthy of something more. The book has real stories and practical advice – http://info.thehopeline.com/selfworth-ebook
    Remember, you are worth it! 🙂

  • Today we published a new eBook about dating. The eBook is FREE and it has true stories, videos, and practical advice. http://info.thehopeline.com/relationships-dating

  • I am so sorry you were violated like that. I am thankful you were strong enough to break up with him. What he did was so wrong.

  • Thank you for reaching out and being so honest. These are not signs of a loving healthy relationship. If he is not respecting your boundaries this can be considered rape. At the very least he is being abusive and manipulative. Please chat with a HopeCoach about what to do – https://www.thehopeline.com/GetHelp/ I am concerned for you and want you to be safe and genuinely loved. We are here for you 24/7. Chatting on TheHopeLine® is private and free.

  • You definitely did NOT bring this on yourself. He took advantage of you, manipulated you, abused you, and disrespected you and your wishes to stop. Please chat with a HopeCoach. We are here for you 24/7 – simply click the “Chat now” button or go to this page- https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/

  • Paris

    I’ve never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone and of course every girls dream is to be loved and follow the trend of being in a relationship. A guy recently popped up on my instar am and commented on one my picture through DM, usually I ignore people and have my in stages on private but for some reason I had a connection with this guy. We’ve been speaking for 9 days now and he said he loves me at first I knew it couldn’t be true but I still say it, I don’t whether I’m saying it because I’m new to starting a relationship with a boy. After speaking he made sexaul comments towards me and says word which make me special. We once spoke on the phone that we were do into it that we took things further (which requires me touching myself). From when I did that I felt so ashamed and sort of disgusted in myself. I told him that I didn’t want this relationship to be based on sex and I even told him I’m a Virgin. But today we spoke on the phone and he asked me to touch myself, I didn’t want to but I ended up doing so. I don’t want sex I want to wait but apart feels like I’m going to fall in that trap & I don’t want to, I refuse to but deep down I’m scared that maybe I will. And the thing is I’m turning 17 in January and he is turning 16 this month. I like speaking to him but to be honest I sometimes feel uncomfortable and he made it clear that he wants sex and disregarding my idea of waiting and not wanting sex. We’ve only spoken for 9 days and I feel like this relationship is wrong, we’re not even together and he already said he loved me. I don’t trust me but I sort of want to. I need your help

    • muun

      Stay strong and do not let him push or pressure you into sexual action of any kind. He is moving all too fast and doesn´t seem to be interested in you as a person. To me it sounds like he is taking advantage of your innocence. You are worth so much more then a guy who mostly is interested in your body and sexual things. You have a lot of value and are a prefect person who need to find someone who will treat you as you deserve and like you for who you are,not for what you can do for them.

  • Rossy

    same in my case…he pressured me into doing it again and again…but repeatedly he failed(because the place and timing wasmt right) …and then finally he did it…it was a kind of rape…i was telling him to stop but he didnt…and then after he got what he wanted he left me after a few months…

  • Anon

    my best friends boyfriend isn’t pressuring her into sex but says that if they have sex it’ll make the relationship stronger and make them last longer. I’m telling her this isn’t right and that sex shouldn’t measure love or trust in a relationship. Please help

  • Lechu

    Same happend to me too…he broke up with me cause i didn’t have sex with him.Within 2…3 days of break up he found next gf.And i’m here thinking of him,loving him and missing him.😥

  • lala

    talk to him about exactly how you feels. If his responses are disrespectful then maybe its time for a break up

  • Brandon

    My girlfriend died, and she was everything to me. I won’t go into any details about us, but she was good to me, and respected my wishes when I said no to having sex. Two years later, I’m a junior and I have a senior girl flirting with me, despite me showing that I’m not interested. Eventually she convinced me to get ice cream with her, and come back to her place. She guilted me into having sex with her, saying she was lonely and asking what was wrong with her when I said no. I, having been sexually abused as a kid, gave in fairly easily and she convinced me we didn’t need protection. Fast forward 2 months and I find she’s pregnant. And she wants me to help raise it. I hate that this happened and I hate that I said yes. I never wanted a child, and if I were to have one, I would have wanted it with the girl I had loved. Now everything is falling apart, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel like I’d rather off myself than meet the kid because I’m scared I’ll be like my father. She tells me if I wasn’t in love with her I wouldn’t have said yes, and if I didn’t like the sex that I wouldn’t have came. I don’t know where else to go for help. Please help me figure out what to do.

    • Brandon, that is so many burdens to bear and a lot of confusing emotions. Please chat with one of our HopeCoaches. We are here 24/7 and it is free and confidential. It really helps to talk to someone who is objective. Click the “chat now” banner on our site or download our mobile app – https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.payoda.hopeline&hl=en or go to this link on our sight – https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp We are here for you and we care about what you are going through right now.

      • Brandon

        Thank you. I didn’t know if you’d actually reply

        • You have been through so much. We really do care and want to help. Remember HopeCoaches are online 24/7 and it is totally free and confidential.

  • Kaylie Williams

    I’ve always wanted to wait until marriage but I’ve been dating this guy that I’m crazy in love with for 7 months and keeps talking about it. He doesn’t try to force me but he makes me feel bad for him. He says “I want to respect your wishes, I really want to but we’re still so young! Imagine if we end up dating for 5 years or more until we get married? Do I have to be in a sexless relationship that long? You must realize that I’ve had sex before and on top of that I’m a guy, that’s extremely hard for me. I don’t think I can do that.”. So, now I’m at a loss, I don’t wanna give in but every male friend I have tells me I should do it because torturing the guy like that is wrong. What do I do?