Parents Don't Approve BF/GF Relationship - What to Do

What to Do About Parent Approval of a Relationship

What if My Parents Don't Approve of My BF/GF?

Finding someone you love who loves you in return can be difficult. Then learning how to deal with conflicts within a relationship can be painful, as well. But there is an entire additional level of stress when, for some reason, you discover your parent(s) disapprove of the person you are dating.

This can make any dating relationship difficult and put a strain on your home life.

When you discover your parents strongly disapprove of your bf/gf, your first inclination will be to pull away from them and continue your dating relationship behind their back. This doesn't do anybody any good. Never secretly date someone your parents don't want you to date. Having secrets and lies between you and your parents ruins trust and causes needless stress and drama which will affect your self-esteem, grades, and even your other friends.

Just Because You Disagree Doesn't Make Your Parents Dumb

Just because they are your parents and you don't agree with them, that doesn't make them dumb.  Although far from perfect, they have years of experience and wisdom that you don't have yet. This might enable them to see the character faults in your bf/gf a whole lot easier than you, especially if you're blinded by the deep emotions you feel for your bf/gf. It is worth pushing pause on your anger and emotions and considering whether your parents may be right. They have the advantage of perspective...they realize over 90% of high school dating ends up not working out. Parents remember their own good and bad choices while dating. They just want you to be protected from bad consequences that could affect the rest of your life.

The fact of the matter is, that most people spend very little time researching and getting to know the other person before they start dating them. They just jump into the relationship. Many parents' fears are well-founded. They have fears of unwanted pregnancy, date rape, drug use, physical abuse, or simply having their children get a needless and unnecessary broken heart.

What Are the Signs of a Toxic Relationship With Parents?

First of all, just because your parents don’t like who you’re dating doesn’t mean they’re toxic. It’s okay for them to have concerns–they love you, and they want your life to be easy and fulfilling. However, it’s pretty common for toxic parents to be hard to please, and if you’re working to address some conflict with them over your romantic partner, but they’re being unreasonable, there might be some toxicity in the family.

How do you know if your parents are toxic? Common signs of toxic parents are:

  • They overreact or often have surprising, loud, large, or out-of-control emotional reactions.
  • They think about everything in relation to themselves. For example, they might ask, “How could you do this to me?” about things that have nothing to do with them. They may also have a hard time with empathy for your feelings and experiences.
  • They treat you as a main source of their emotional support, even if you’ve asked them not to, and even if they need support for things it’s inappropriate for them to talk to their child about.
  • They don’t respect your boundaries. If you live with them, they go through your phone or diary, they don’t knock before they enter your room or the bathroom, or they tell your siblings things you said in confidence. If you don’t live with them, they call you constantly despite knowing your work schedule, or they show up at your home without asking first.
  • They’re controlling. They use manipulation to get you to do what they want—guilt, money, the silent treatment, withholding love, etc.
  • They’re extremely critical. They are never happy with what you do. If you get an A-, why wasn’t it an A+? If you get into college, why didn’t you get a full scholarship? If your team won a game, why weren’t you the top scorer? If you picked up your brother from school, why didn’t you feed him dinner? If you come home for Christmas, why aren’t you staying longer?

If you think you and your parents may have a toxic dynamic, the first thing you need to realize is that you cannot change them. They are who they are, and you can only change how you cope with and relate to them. A licensed therapist can help you figure out how to negotiate healthy boundaries with folks who aren’t necessarily going to respect those boundaries, so seek out counseling to address difficult family dynamics.

What Do Others Say?

Carolyn commented that her response to her parents' dislike of her boyfriend was to ask other people what they thought. They [my parents] said he lied, cheated, and I shouldn't be involved with him. They also said he pushed me around too much. So I thought about what they said and talked to more people. The more people I talked to, nobody wanted us together. It wasn't just my parents. Chances are, your parents have more wisdom than you do and it's a good idea to take their advice. 

Solomon, the man God blessed with the greatest wisdom in the Bible, said something very similar. He said, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed." Proverbs 15:22   He also went on to say, "A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash." Proverbs 15:14

Be wise here. Search for knowledge about your bf/gf from many people, including your parents, and take their advice seriously.

Tips for Having a Successful Conversation With Your Parents

The best thing you can do is to sit down with your parents and calmly, with great respect, ask what it is they don't like about your bf/gf and what you can do to lessen their fears and objections. Another question you could ask them is, "What should my bf/gf do to win your trust?" Be willing to listen to what they have to say. Never argue with them about it. That never works. It only shows them you are too immature to be in the relationship they are so worried about.

They will appreciate your desire to learn from their wisdom and respect their point of view. Remember, most of the time they are right and who wants to gamble with the few times they might be wrong, just for the sake of having a bf/gf.

Ask your parents if they would be willing to meet with your bf/gf and have them explain their reservations to him/her. If your bf/gf refuses to meet with your parents, that's a sure sign he/she is not respectful to you or your parents.

What Do Parents Expect?

Sometimes parents' expectations for whom you should date can be too high, but often your expectations are too low. Are you willing to settle for someone who might be harmful to you in the long run, just because they appear to show interest in you in the short term? Your parents can help you answer that question without all the emotional fog you are experiencing.

Most parents will appreciate a bf/gf who treats you with respect and honesty. Someone who makes you a better person. If they observe that you are often sad or hurt, those are red flags for them. They will also appreciate someone who cares enough for you that they are willing to make an effort to get along with them.

As you identify the problems and come up with the plans to fix them, you will be well on your way to a more healthy and positive relationship between you, your bf/gf, and your parents. Don't forget, while boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, parents are forever.

How do you go about protecting and guarding your heart? Click here for the lies and truths on how to guard your heart in relationships.

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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272 comments on “Parents Don't Approve BF/GF Relationship - What to Do”

  1. I am dating someone who has a child. I have met his 4 year old daughter and we bonded right off the bat. I am a substitute teacher at the moment but am certified k-6. I've been dating him now for 3 months. I am 24, and he is 28. He is divorced. I have to say that I know he is my person. We are meant to be together. He feels the same way. I usually don't toot my own horn, but with him I believe everything he says. I've never had someone make me this happy and make me believe in myself. I've been in many relationships and know he and his daughter is my future. I love at home. His family loves me and I adore them too... So here is the problem...... My mom had dad like him, but I can tell thy feel like I deserve better and think I can't achieve my life dreams if I date him and eventually marry him. I don't know this 100% but my dad keeps bringing up to me when he isn't around that my "perfect man" is out there... And apparently when my mom and him were talking out back , she said " I want the best for Sarah(me)." He thinks she doesn't like him and doesn't see him in my future. She has told me she likes him but thinks him having a daughter is a big deal and I shouldn't jump into things. Me and him have talked and we aren't getting married or engaged or having kids any time soon but we will in the distant future (maybe 2 or 3 years). what can we do? He is upset bc usually people like him 100% of the time and everyone falls in love with his daughter . But. The other day they met her for the first time and I thought it went well. He said he got a vibe from my mom that she doesn't like him and doesn't feel he is good enough for me... I don't know what to do. What do you think?

  2. My mum hates my ex but I've broken with them few months ago .we both want to get back but we can't my mum doesn't approve of them .I really want to . it's making me really depressed I don't know what to do

  3. I love my boyfriend. But my parents wont approve because we have different religions. I am Muslim and he is Christian..
    I have no idea what to do

  4. ive been seeing a girl for the past two months during that time my family have strongly disagreed with my choice which has caused endless rows . To the point where I stopped telling them anything and just didn't say who I was with and even lied to see her. It came to a head recently when it all came out including that we were an item which caused more rows bitter ones in the end they gave me an ultimatum either I stop seeing her or they would find me a flat and disown me entirely. So I felt I had no choice but to end it i was devastated and depressed she was devistated tho she said she wouldn't give up on us that we had something . We left it 3 days before talking we couldn't bare it we want to be together I no it would mean being outcast by my own family but if I don't go with what my heart says I'll regret it ..

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