Why Do People Lie? - Reasons for Lying

Most Everybody, at One Time or Another, Has Lied

Tell the truth now: that includes you and me. In fact, some people, sad to say, lie almost all the time.

Psychologists call these people compulsive or psychopathic liars. They tell lies even when they don't have to. Even the youngest of children will lie, especially if they think by doing it, they won't get punished for something. When children first learn how lying works, they lack the moral understanding of when to refrain from doing it.

Because lying can have such destructive and harmful consequences to both the liar and the one being lied to, I've written several blogs on this topic.

There are different kinds of lies, as well as different degrees of lying. It seems so many people I talk to have a problem with lying whether it's their own, or someone else's.

While maybe everybody lies at some point, few understand how destructive it can be, why we do it, and how to stop it. So, let's answer those questions.

Let's begin by defining what lying is:

Lying is saying something with the intent of creating a false belief or impression. It's an attempt to get someone to believe something that is not true.

Lying - Self Evaluation

  • How many lies do you think you have told this last week?
  • Who did you tell the lies to?
  • Why did you tell the lies?
  • How do you feel about the lies you told now?

Sometimes a lie might seem unintentional, or it may have been told to save someone else's feelings. For example, someone may say to another, "That sure is a pretty dress!", when the person knows it's ugly. We all have the capacity to lie.

Why Do People Lie?

FEAR

It was Tad Williams who said, "We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger." People can be so afraid of what might happen if they told the truth. Maybe they have done something wrong and are afraid of the consequences of their actions, so they lie to cover up what they did. As is often said about political scandals: It's not the crime that gets you in trouble, nearly as much as the cover-up.

MANIPULATION

Lies are typically motivated by a desire to get other people to either do something or not do something, or to make a decision in the favor of the person doing the lying. Someone might lie to get something they desire such as sex, money, status, power, love, etc. Lori said: "I'm young, but I realized quickly lustful people know how to get what they want, even if it means lying to you about how they feel." Probably the word love is used in more lives than any other. How often a guy will say to a girl (or vice versa), "I love you", simply to get the other person emotionally stirred up, so they can be more easily manipulated.

PRIDE

Many times, a person will lie because of pride. They use it for nothing more than a tool to create a favorable image of themselves. This leads to exaggeration, which is a form of lying. Often people will create fascinating, yet completely false, stories to improve their image.

Bottom line: We deceive other people because we think it serves our purposes in some way. And it's easy!

What's the Big Deal About Lying?

It becomes an addiction.

When you get away with a lie it often drives you to continue your deceptions, and in the process, we ruin relationships, hurt others, lose our integrity, and lose our peace. Truth becomes a feared enemy of the liar. It's a sick and tragic cycle that doesn't ever have a happy ending.

Lying may seem simple and harmless at first, but just like any addiction, you'll soon find yourself trapped and entangled more than you could have ever imagined.

Liars don't have peace

 Lying is extremely stressful. It causes you to be constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering who might be finding you out. You're always running through the lies you've told in your head, trying to keep track of what you've told to which person, and what's the next lie you need to tell. When you're honest, you don't have those worries or the negative consequences of your lies.

Roselyn commented: "I can say that not lying is a very relaxing way of life." The fact that you don't have to worry about remembering old lies or getting in trouble later on when the truth comes out (because it always does) puts a lot more relief in your life. Even when it's hard, telling the truth always has a better outcome than a bunch of lies.

Lies ruin relationships

 People are constantly looking to see who they can trust and who they can't. People are actually much more perceptive and aware of who tells the truth and who doesn't. Over time, honesty shows itself as a trait that is beautiful and deeply respected.  Liars are not respected.

This is true in all our relationships whether it's dating, family, friends, or at work. Macey put it so well: "It's always best, to be honest. It makes any and every relationship strong and healthy."

Someone commented about the value of being honest: "I used to lie a lot. I would lie only because it was easier than explaining the truth. And I have finally grown to realize that it's easier to [be honest]. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying. My parents trust me, and I feel good about myself. And when you feel good about yourself then you know that everything is okay." This person has come to realize that when we tell the truth and live it, we become emotionally and spiritually stronger every day.

Telling the Truth Increases Security

It stands to reason that if you are not always working to stay one lie ahead of your last lie, you will be more at peace and have greater security in your relationships with others.  The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, understood this well. He wrote, "Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out." Proverbs 10:9

God speaks of the dangers of lying often in the Bible. In fact, "Do not lie" is one of the 10 Commandments. God understands how much pain lying brings to both the liar and those being lied to and so He tells us not to lie in order to protect us from pain. The Bible also says, "For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all." Luke 8:17

Here is more of what God says about lying - Verses of Hope for Struggling with Lying

Following God can offer so much security in many aspects of life. For more on a relationship with God read Learn More About God

Honesty Challenge

I want to offer up a challenge to all of us. Would you be willing to commit to a life of honesty and integrity? If you're up for this life-changing challenge, please write me a comment below, and tell a friend about your commitment too.

Has lying become a part of your everyday life? Need more help? Listen to Dawson's Podcast, How Can I Stop Lying - EP -19.

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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138 comments on “Why Do People Lie? - Reasons for Lying”

  1. Recently I find out that my mother was a liar, I feel depressed from it. I always was so close to her; however, I knew that she was manipulating me about life decisions. But I never knew that she was lying so much about everything. She was lying about things that was important or not important. She was just so sure that I will never find out. She did died of cancer, and I started talking to my cousin who I really saw like couple times in life. Now I am finding out how much she was lying. It is crazy, so eye opening, and I am disgusted with her after her life. So sad, my cousin is always using the exact words and terms what my mother said. My mother had her own language like terms. Lying is disgusting, so sad.

  2. I lied to my wife because If I told the truth I would get a ration of crap, and I did not want to hear it. I said I would take care of the problem in which I did but she would not leave it alone. So now I dont tell her anything lie or truth. I just tell her non of you busi ess

  3. For me, most of the lies I told were because of my insecurity. I would often lie about things that didn’t matter, such as where I was born, my birthday, what church my family attended, how many siblings I had, what TV shows I liked, etc. I have gotten less insecure over the years so I am not lying about things like that as much but I will give you an example that happened just now. I have a habit of googling people’s names to find out info on them. I googled the name of an old family friend of ours that I handnt seen in many years and found out she died last summer. I told my mom she died and she asked me how I found out. I didn’t want her to think I was an online stalker so I told her someone else told me. Of course, my mother hasn’t seen this person in over 20 years and its highly unlikely they will see each other anytime soon so I am not co concerned my mother will find out I lied to her but I know I did and I feel terribly about it. To me, lying to my mother is worse than lying to others. The other thing I had a tendency to do was lie about people when they made me angry in order to make them look worse than they really were. This was especially true at work. As anyone who has ever worked in customer service knows, you deal with a lot of jerks. Most times, I could handle them but some just really got under my skin and when they did, I would tell my coworkers they said all these horrible things. Sometimes it was so extreme, my coworkers would question if I was making it up, which I was. I don’t do that much anymore as I have learned not to let people get to me. Finally, I often lied to make people jealous of me such as lying about going on an expensive vacation or I would find a really nice car online and tell people I was buying it. That also goes back to insecurity. Although people do lie to manipulate others or to cover up a dirty deed, most of us lie habitually because we feel insecure and a lie in the moment helps us escape the insecurity. If you learn to love yourself and accept reality as it is, not as you would like it to be, you will find that you lie far less. It’s an ongoing process. I don’t think anyone tells the truth 100% of the time. Men, if your wife asks you if she is getting fat, I don’t think many of you would say yes even if you think she is getting fat. But if we can decrease the lies, we feel better about ourselves.

  4. I respect that you've shed some light on this topic, but some things are really just misunderstood.. first off, I am 100% a pathological liar. I've known it my whole life, and I've tried to change it. You really can't. It's not just an addiction. It starts to become a way of life. I lie about anything and everything because I can. I manipulate for reasons that even I don't understand. Of course I keep track of all my lies, but at this point, that has become as routine as breathing and thinking. It's just another function. It can also be stressful, but for the most part I genuinely enjoy it. I enjoy hearing what random nonsense will come out of my mouth when someone asks me a question, because I honestly won't know what to expect. Lies flow thru me like blood. I can't control it, and if I did, it would practically require a rewire of my brain. Sometimes I wish that I would just tell the truth, especially in situations like job interviews, funerals, ect, but again, it's not a choice anymore. I hate the truth. I will always run from it and I will never back down from a lie. Whenever someone does get the truth out of me, I feel helpless and defeated. And that leads to a whole different train manipulation and Fabrications to rebuild my self esteem. It is what it is, just don't hate us. We already hate ourselves enough. Try to be sympathetic.

    1. As someone who has shown empathy to a chronic liar, giving them understanding and time to TRY and learn new patterns and habits, I say this - you must be joking. You feel bad about yourself because you treat people badly. You hurt people. You disrespect, manipulate, and deceive the people who give you love, patience and support. You are abusive. Feeling bad for abusers is what traps empathic people in toxic, abusive relationships.
      People know you're lying and once they get past the hurt and anger, they think you're pathetic. They have contempt for you. They talk about you between themselves. People you see regularly know you are a fraud. Never forget that. In my experience, most people don't call out a lie, they entertain you politely while waiting for a moment to change the subject or leave the conversation.

  5. A man in my small town who is on the boards of multiple organizations and respected by many,is in the habit of lying to me often, and tries to get others to believe him over me when I challenge him on issues relevant to our community. I have a hard time knowing that he can persuade others to believe him, and in the process, make them look down at me. I have a hard time believing that he sees me as a threat, as if I might have the power to unmask him.It really bothers me because he lies on social media on the sites that our small townspeople read. Do I have any recourse or do I just have to eat it?

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