How to Handle Cheating
Do Relationships Survive Cheating?
Cheating often means the end of the relationship for people who are dating or married. Cheating is a violation of trust, and that betrayal is often sustained by multiple lies told over a long period of time. Since there are a lot of unhealthy patterns behind cheating, deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who cheated on you is risky. It is important, before jumping back into that relationship or pursuing a new relationship, to understand the impact cheating has had on your view of relationships, your own self-esteem, and your ability to trust people. This will likely take time to explore and understand, and the guidance of a counselor or mentor is helpful if you feel overwhelmed.
If you have cheated on your partner, and they found out, it is important to apologize and ask for forgiveness. But remember: pressuring your partner to take you back is not a kind or loving choice. They will need time to heal, and you will need time to understand the impact of your own choices. Whether you were cheated on, or you cheated on someone, you are not doomed to repeat history. With support, you can grow and move forward with a healthier understanding of yourself and your relationships.
Reactions to Cheating
Have you been cheated on? How did you react? Was it an emotional rollercoaster rotating between rage, disbelief, and grief? I imagine at one point or another all of these thoughts crossed your mind:
"How didn't I know? How could I be so dumb?"
"I hate them."
"I need to make that no-good cheater pay, and I have several ideas about how to do that."
"Am I really that worthless that he/she would hurt me like that?"
"I need to find a guy/girl who appreciates me, right now! I deserve better. And I need to make them jealous."
"I miss him/her so much. How am I going to live without them?"
It is always painful when relationships come apart. But when cheating is involved it is usually far more painful for one person than the other, and cheating makes a painful situation so much worse. It leaves a person feeling completely disrespected. The ability to trust can be lost. It is rejection on a whole different level.
So, what do you do if you've been cheated on? How do you get past the pain and get on to the next part of your life?
Let's start out with a few things you SHOULD NOT do.
Six Things Not To Do When You've Been Cheated On
1. Don't waste time trying to get even.
One of the ways girls get back at their cheating ex is to spread rumors that are not true. It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end, you just make yourself look even more devalued. It may not seem that way to you, but it sure looks that way to everyone else. Don't lower yourself by retaliating, but say to yourself, "I'm too good for that."
Some people try to retaliate by doing something to hurt themselves. That doesn't make much sense, but it still happens. Girls have been known to date guys they do not like at all in order to get back at the guy they love.
2. Don't rebound in the same direction.
Cory wrote: Take your time moving on. Also, don't just jump into a relationship the minute you're single. Moving on takes time and drowning your sadness out by forcing yourself into a relationship might not be the best idea...Stay positive. Even try staying single for a few months to figure out what you want, who you don't want, and keep an open mind about relationships and people.
No matter how you try to cover it up, people who are cheated on almost always feel they have been disrespected, devalued, or cheapened in other people's eyes. It is a lot like that sickening feeling you get when someone makes some terribly nasty comment about you. Feeling a big hole inside that is screaming to be filled, the temptation is to quickly fill that void with another boyfriend. However, finding another boyfriend ASAP (as soon as possible) may not be the best way to find a guy AGAP (as good as possible). You might wind up in another cheating relationship.
Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF. I believe deeply that before another relationship is established you must 1st be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready because a new boyfriend no matter how great can't make u achieve that level of completeness necessary to handle the challenges of a relationship!
3. Don't bear other people's guilt.
When people cheat, it is their decision and their responsibility. However, the ones cheated upon are often left wondering what they did wrong. When parents separate, it is the children who often wind up feeling guilty. Certainly, one person can be responsible in part for someone leaving a relationship, but in cheating, the cheater is totally responsible for his or her actions. We really never get away with anything. Ultimately, we will all answer to God for everything we do, say, and think.
4. Don't let a bad wound fester.
Kaitlyn wrote: Well, never rush into a relationship cuz then so many things go bad and wrong and someone ends up hurt. and as for a healthy way to move on, just try to forget the guy and either relax and enjoy being single or start looking for a new guy.
Being cheated on cuts very deep. Though it may not seem so now, wounds do eventually heal. If, however, they are allowed to get infected, the infection can cause more long-term damage than the initial cut. Bitterness is the infection that causes a short-term wound to become a long-term affliction. By nursing and reviewing over and over the terrible actions of your ex-boyfriend and how terribly you were hurt, the wound festers. Eventually, that event becomes so rooted in your thinking that it shapes the way you view every other dating relationship. So in a way, you take the infection from that cheating ex with you into every future relationship until you forgive and let it go.
5. Don't Engage in Missionary Dating.
Why do some girls continue to attract and date known cheaters? You would think that they would learn from their previous mistakes. Many times that happens because these girls have the secret desire to tame the wild man. They think they can make him a better guy. If you want danger and excitement, if you don't care about long-term committed relationships, and being cheated on doesn't bother you forge ahead. But if you are looking for love with known cheaters, then you're looking in the wrong places.
6. Don't Think You Are the Exception.
Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...don't look in the same place u met the 1st BF.
The most likely guy to cheat is the one who has done it before. So you would think girls would avoid previous cheaters like the plague. But that is far from what happens. There is always another girl willing to give them a chance.
Now there are things that can happen which will change a guy at his very core, things so dramatic that his bent to cheating and his weakness for temptation are turned into rock-solid faithfulness. But rarely will that kind of change come simply from a relationship with the next girl, not even you. Taming the cheater makes a girl feel like she is better than the girl or girls who couldn't. The most common reason that girls get involved with known cheaters is that they think that they will be the exception. Don't get too carried away with flattering words about how much better you are than his last girlfriend that he cheated on.
Do Cheaters Feel Guilty?
That’s a tough question. The short answer is: it depends on the cheater.
Here’s the longer answer:
Most people feel some guilt when they do something they know is wrong. That includes people who cheat on their romantic partners. The real question is, however, do they feel guilt or do they feel remorse?
If someone feels guilty, at the very least they understand that they’ve done something “wrong.” They hurt someone they loved. If someone cheats on you, and they claim that they don’t feel guilty, that would be a) surprising and b) a sign that they have some narcissistic tendencies that make them feel entitled to behave however they please.
Assuming that someone who cheated on you “feels bad” about it, here’s another follow-up question: do they “feel bad” because they got caught or do they “feel bad” because they hurt you and believe they made a mistake? There’s an important distinction there, since many cheating situations come to light because they’re discovered, rather than the cheater coming forward on their own. If you had to catch them, and they claim to feel guilty, does that mean as much to you as it would if they confessed to you of their own free will?
That’s where remorse comes in. Guilt is simply the feeling of knowing when you did a bad thing. Remorse is when you can recognize what you did was wrong, take responsibility for it, and are willing to do whatever you need to in order to reconcile the situation. For instance, if someone is truly remorseful about cheating, that person will apologize freely rather than defend or make excuses for their actions. They may offer to make lifestyle changes and promise to seek therapy. Their actions, not just their words, will prove that they are serious about rectifying what they’ve done.
The presence of remorse doesn’t necessarily mean that you can or should save the relationship, but it’s a necessary starting point.
The Truth is You Are Exceptional
Here's the deal, no matter how GREAT you are (and you are GREAT), the issue is with him, not you. So please don't lose sight of your own self-worth. If you are loving with your whole heart and treating your guy with respect, you should receive the same in return.
I hope you know how special you are. If you are doubting yourself at all, consider this, the God of the universe can't stop thinking about YOU!
"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" - Psalm 139:17-18
You deserve more! You were made for more!
For more verses of hope about God’s plan for relationships, love and sex read these Verses of Hope for Cheating in Relationships.
The end of a relationship is devastating. For help read - Moving on: How to Properly Grieve and Heal After a Breakup.
My boyfriend cheated on me...We have been together for over three years. Our relationship was a long distance one for the past 1.5 years. with both of us in different continents. We used to meet every 6 months and be in contact with each other everyday over phone, skype etc. He has met my family and I have met his parents over christmas. We spent one month together holidaying and getting reacquainted. There was some disappointments as we were not talking everyday as we used to as I moved to a new country for my studies (we still are in different continents) and the work and the newness of the place was a lot to handle. But I thought we worked it out during our time together. One month after our christmas holiday he started talking to this girl.. for hours and hours... day into night... i felt neglected... our fights increased... added to this was the pressure of arranging the wedding on me.. and I did not have as many friends to talk this about in my current city.. our talks became less about us and more about the wedding.. and I felt i was pressuring him onto this wedding.... we fight.. he says its all a confusion.... he comes to visit me.. and I thought was a time to clear everything.. be together and be stronger... he says we have been drifting.. asked me if i see us together.. basically questioned "us". One night i took his phone to check the photos we took that day when he snatched the phone from my hand.. he said he had discussed our problems or his feelings with the friend an he was not ready to share that with me yet. I did not understand.. I was like if there was any problems between us, it was something he had to talk to me about.. but.. he did not show me what was on the phone... but we talked about us... i was suspicious, I emailed myself their chat history.. but did not get to read it as I was with him all the time.. an it was a lot of texts!.. We decided to work on us. he said we will know where we stood with each other in couple of months.. if we still worked as a couple or not... ut I was hopefull.. because y the en of the trip.... I knew he was more the person I knew than anyone else... after i drropped him at the airport.. i red the texts... he cheated oon me with her (his so called best friend) multiple times... their talks souned like they were actually dating... even when the irl moved back to her hometown of italy, they ha skype sex and still talked for hours... she even came down to visit her "friends" and stayed at his place just before he left to fly to me... so basically he came to me from her bed! I don't understand... I went from being a bride to having a rocky relationship to being a victim of cheating all in the space of 8 days... I confronted him.. he agreed to all charges.. he wished that he had not brought this on me... I ave him a week to think.. see if he could stop talking to that girl.. and give me a 100% if he wanted us to work out... He said he did not love her.. an they were good friends an they thought they could control this??!! and he could go back to being friends with her.. an be with me.. He says he loves me.. but he cant stop talking to her.... I have tried to stop talking... but I can not do it... I continue to talk to him.. we talk about how to go from here... to move forward without hurting each other... but I am hurt.. And i don't know how to handle this hurt... I feel I am weakening... as I feel I need him.. but I know I wont be happy unless he makes all the changes like stop his conversations with her.. and be prepared to work on us... Or atleast say he is sorry so that I can get over it... This is my first long term relationship... And I know he has not cheated on me before.. or even cheated... I know he is feeling a lot of guilt... that he want to figure out.. he says that he is waiting for the magic back between us.. like a sign that tells him to hold onto me.. if not, he would rather be alone it seems.... I understand it, but think its a load of crap!.. if he want to be with me.. then he has to work for it... nothing comes by sitting back an hoping that it will all become fine by itself... its this sort of passiveness that does not allow me to move forward.. as I think I will regret it later... I am also afraid that I might not be able to love again.... i am 27 but am Indian... thats' a whole other level of social pressures.. what am I not seeing clearly here!! I am trying to be rational... although all i want to do is cry and cry...
I am 27 and Indian as well. Even though the social pressure is almost null in my case but i can understand your feeling. since it s already been 5months to your comment i am hoping you d sorted things out by now.
You posted 6 months ago, so you may have already resolved this, but if you haven't and you are still with him. I know you want to believe he has a conscience, but you need to start believing that he's too selfish for that. A cheater in relationships is no different than when we were kids playing a game together and one of them cheated to win. As a kid is was black and white, that kid was a cheater. If you apply this thought into your relationship, you will start to feel different because a cheater is a cheater, they will do whatever it takes to win, to cheat the other of a fair game. In this case love. A cheater in a relationship, is cheating the other from finding love, true love because the cheater keeps their partner locked into their fake relationship so that they can have a warm and inviting person who loves them while they keep looking for that ever elusive patch of greener grass.. Then when they believe they found the perfect one, they dump the one they were lying to. Then it begins again, they aren't satisfied, and cheat their current partner looking AGAIN for that greener patch of grass.
See for the rest of their lives, they never will find that perfect one because they are too selfish to appreciate love, so they go around in life feeling empty, void and isolated. You can't save them, you can't help them because they don't care about others, they are selfish. Love doesn't exist in they heart, only that one selfish kid who only cared about winning at the expense of all the other kids..
Please could someone help. I am so low and hurt I don't know what to do. My boyfriend of 3 years was with his partner before me and they have 3 kids. A few months ago i found out he has cheated on me with her and now she is pregnant. He has moved in to support her while pregnant. He keeps getting into my head telling me he doesnt love her only me, my head is all over the show 🙁
Thank you for sharing your encouraging words. We also have a free eBook that has true stories in it that you might find helpful - http://info.thehopeline.com/relationshipscheating-ebook. It can help you learn how to avoid relationships like this in the future. We are also here for you 24/7 if you want to talk about it https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
Hello all, I've been reading this blog with interest. I've just found out yesterday morning, in a very dramatic way, that my boyfriend was cheating on me. He did this before and promised he'd never do this to me again. I loved this man and still do. I know it will take time to heal and I've been awake tonight with thoughts rattling around my head. I thought I would Google "how to overcome a broken heart". I came across this; the comments and blogs I have been reading here are a great encouragement. Most especially the one about taking your broken heart to God. I am reminded that He heals the broken hearted, so I'm going to try to trust in that. I have been avoiding God for a long time and I have to accept that He loves me, even though I feel worthless and unloveable. I hope He will forgive me for the bad things I have done. I just wanted to reach out and make contact. Thankyou so much for your comforting words. E
my (now ex), I feel has been cheating for a while. he's always texting other girls, he lies about how he spent the night with them and then claims it was bc they owed him money, he hangs out with another all alone, he calls all of them babe and they tell him they love him and call him love, he deletes his responses to females but keeps their responses, just recently he said he was turning himself in bc he had a warrant and the night he was supposed to be in jail he butt dialed me and I strongly believe I heard him with another female. I texted him may times but got no response, then the next morning he called from the jail and I asked what was going on he said the jail was over crowded so it takes a while, then I cut to the chase and was like where were u last night, he was like what are you talking about, what do u mean, and I was like u butt dialed me where were u last night, he hesitated then said he was with his brother but I know what I heard on that phone and I'm still very disturbed with that on top of all the other lies I've caught him in and how he fails to realize how horribly he's disrespected me and how I still say things like I appreciate having you in my life, I love you, I'm great full, Yada Yada makeing sure I reassure hI'm he's loved but yet, he still manages to lie to me and sneak around behind my back and the last lie he told was all I could take anymore and I told him just call her from now on do u understand me, and I hung up and blocked the jail numbers he called from. I'm so hurt....I'm so deeply in love with him...I've stayed so loyal and I've proved my loyalty many many ways from being willing to take a polygraph and pay 300 out of pocket for it and he didn't let me and I don't understand why...all the way to having a app on my phone where he can watch and listen to my every move. I don't understand why I'm being cheated on. he claims he loves me and he needs me, but how do u love someone and "need" them and yet be so willing to lie to them and disrespect them royaly and manipulate them into keep putting up with it? I don't understand. I can't do it anymore. I've Givin him hundreds of second chances and he's takein them all and stepped and spat on them by continuing to disrespect me....it hurts so bad. I never loved anyone so much in my life and of course the one I've loved more them anyone has disrespected me more then anyone especially by pretending he's a saint right after he's caught in a lie then he gets mad and tries to flip the script and confuse me with made up bullshit that I can easily prove wrong. why do men do this? why do they yearn for constant attention from numerous women? mainly the ones who are easy or ugly or both? even females who sell their bodys? it's disgusting. how is it so easy for me to be loyal but so hard for him...me and him both were molested as kids and he claims that can make someone highly sexual with alot of people in their adult years but...I had my phase when I was a teenager but I'm grown now and I know better and I enjoy doing my man right and being by his side and proving my loyalty to him so he doesn't have to even come close to dealing with the pain I am...but yet....he still acts the same way he did when I first met him....permiscuous (I know I didn't spell that right), sneaky, lieing, highly flirtatious with all females....I don't get it!!!!!! what did I do to deserve to get done so wrong?