My Boyfriend Cheated on Me - 6 Things NOT To Do

 

How to Handle Cheating

Do Relationships Survive Cheating?

Cheating often means the end of the relationship for people who are dating or married. Cheating is a violation of trust, and that betrayal is often sustained by multiple lies told over a long period of time. Since there are a lot of unhealthy patterns behind cheating, deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who cheated on you is risky. It is important, before jumping back into that relationship or pursuing a new relationship, to understand the impact cheating has had on your view of relationships, your own self-esteem, and your ability to trust people. This will likely take time to explore and understand, and the guidance of a counselor or mentor is helpful if you feel overwhelmed.

If you have cheated on your partner, and they found out, it is important to apologize and ask for forgiveness. But remember: pressuring your partner to take you back is not a kind or loving choice. They will need time to heal, and you will need time to understand the impact of your own choices. Whether you were cheated on, or you cheated on someone, you are not doomed to repeat history. With support, you can grow and move forward with a healthier understanding of yourself and your relationships. 

Reactions to Cheating

Have you been cheated on? How did you react? Was it an emotional rollercoaster rotating between rage, disbelief, and grief? I imagine at one point or another all of  these thoughts crossed your mind:

"How didn't I know? How could I be so dumb?"

"I hate them."

"I need to make that no-good cheater pay, and I have several ideas about how to do that."

"Am I really that worthless that he/she would hurt me like that?"

"I need to find a guy/girl who appreciates me, right now!  I deserve better. And I need to make them jealous."

"I miss him/her so much. How am I going to live without them?"

It is always painful when relationships come apart. But when cheating is involved it is usually far more painful for one person than the other, and cheating makes a painful situation so much worse.  It leaves a person feeling completely disrespected. The ability to trust can be lost.  It is rejection on a whole different level.

So, what do you do if you've been cheated on? How do you get past the pain and get on to the next part of your life?

Let's start out with a few things you SHOULD NOT do.

Six Things Not To Do When You've Been Cheated On

 

1. Don't waste time trying to get even.

One of the ways girls get back at their cheating ex is to spread rumors that are not true.  It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end, you just make yourself look even more devalued. It may not seem that way to you, but it sure looks that way to everyone else. Don't lower yourself by retaliating, but say to yourself, "I'm too good for that."

Some people try to retaliate by doing something to hurt themselves. That doesn't make much sense, but it still happens. Girls have been known to date guys they do not like at all in order to get back at the guy they love.

2. Don't rebound in the same direction.

Cory wrote: Take your time moving on. Also, don't just jump into a relationship the minute you're single. Moving on takes time and drowning your sadness out by forcing yourself into a relationship might not be the best idea...Stay positive. Even try staying single for a few months to figure out what you want, who you don't want, and keep an open mind about relationships and people.

No matter how you try to cover it up, people who are cheated on almost always feel they have been disrespected, devalued, or cheapened in other people's eyes. It is a lot like that sickening feeling you get when someone makes some terribly nasty comment about you. Feeling a big hole inside that is screaming to be filled, the temptation is to quickly fill that void with another boyfriend. However, finding another boyfriend ASAP (as soon as possible) may not be the best way to find a guy AGAP (as good as possible). You might wind up in another cheating relationship.

Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF. I believe deeply that before another relationship is established you must 1st be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready because a new boyfriend no matter how great can't make u achieve that level of completeness necessary to handle the challenges of a relationship!

3.  Don't bear other people's guilt.

When people cheat, it is their decision and their responsibility. However, the ones cheated upon are often left wondering what they did wrong. When parents separate, it is the children who often wind up feeling guilty. Certainly, one person can be responsible in part for someone leaving a relationship, but in cheating, the cheater is totally responsible for his or her actions. We really never get away with anything. Ultimately, we will all answer to God for everything we do, say, and think.

4.  Don't let a bad wound fester.

Kaitlyn wrote: Well, never rush into a relationship cuz then so many things go bad and wrong and someone ends up hurt. and as for a healthy way to move on, just try to forget the guy and either relax and enjoy being single or start looking for a new guy.

Being cheated on cuts very deep. Though it may not seem so now, wounds do eventually heal. If, however, they are allowed to get infected, the infection can cause more long-term damage than the initial cut. Bitterness is the infection that causes a short-term wound to become a long-term affliction. By nursing and reviewing over and over the terrible actions of your ex-boyfriend and how terribly you were hurt, the wound festers. Eventually, that event becomes so rooted in your thinking that it shapes the way you view every other dating relationship.  So in a way, you take the infection from that cheating ex with you into every future relationship until you forgive and let it go.

5. Don't Engage in Missionary Dating.

Why do some girls continue to attract and date known cheaters? You would think that they would learn from their previous mistakes. Many times that happens because these girls have the secret desire to tame the wild man. They think they can make him a better guy. If you want danger and excitement, if you don't care about long-term committed relationships, and being cheated on doesn't bother you forge ahead. But if you are looking for love with known cheaters, then you're looking in the wrong places.

6. Don't Think You Are the Exception.

Dawn wrote:   If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...don't look in the same place u met the 1st BF.

The most likely guy to cheat is the one who has done it before. So you would think girls would avoid previous cheaters like the plague. But that is far from what happens. There is always another girl willing to give them a chance.

Now there are things that can happen which will change a guy at his very core, things so dramatic that his bent to cheating and his weakness for temptation are turned into rock-solid faithfulness. But rarely will that kind of change come simply from a relationship with the next girl, not even you. Taming the cheater makes a girl feel like she is better than the girl or girls who couldn't. The most common reason that girls get involved with known cheaters is that they think that they will be the exception. Don't get too carried away with flattering words about how much better you are than his last girlfriend that he cheated on.

Do Cheaters Feel Guilty?

That’s a tough question. The short answer is: it depends on the cheater.

Here’s the longer answer:

Most people feel some guilt when they do something they know is wrong. That includes people who cheat on their romantic partners. The real question is, however, do they feel guilt or do they feel remorse?

If someone feels guilty, at the very least they understand that they’ve done something “wrong.” They hurt someone they loved. If someone cheats on you, and they claim that they don’t feel guilty, that would be a) surprising and b) a sign that they have some narcissistic tendencies that make them feel entitled to behave however they please.

Assuming that someone who cheated on you “feels bad” about it, here’s another follow-up question: do they “feel bad” because they got caught or do they “feel bad” because they hurt you and believe they made a mistake? There’s an important distinction there, since many cheating situations come to light because they’re discovered, rather than the cheater coming forward on their own. If you had to catch them, and they claim to feel guilty, does that mean as much to you as it would if they confessed to you of their own free will?

That’s where remorse comes in. Guilt is simply the feeling of knowing when you did a bad thing. Remorse is when you can recognize what you did was wrong, take responsibility for it, and are willing to do whatever you need to in order to reconcile the situation. For instance, if someone is truly remorseful about cheating, that person will apologize freely rather than defend or make excuses for their actions. They may offer to make lifestyle changes and promise to seek therapy. Their actions, not just their words, will prove that they are serious about rectifying what they’ve done.

The presence of remorse doesn’t necessarily mean that you can or should save the relationship, but it’s a necessary starting point.

The Truth is You Are Exceptional

Here's the deal, no matter how GREAT you are (and you are GREAT), the issue is with him, not you.  So please don't lose sight of your own self-worth.  If you are loving with your whole heart and treating your guy with respect, you should receive the same in return.

I hope you know how special you are.  If you are doubting yourself at all, consider this, the God of the universe can't stop thinking about YOU!

"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" - Psalm 139:17-18

You deserve more!  You were made for more!

For more verses of hope about God’s plan for relationships, love and sex read these Verses of Hope for Cheating in Relationships.

The end of a relationship is devastating. For help read - Moving on: How to Properly Grieve and Heal After a Breakup.

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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309 comments on “My Boyfriend Cheated on Me - 6 Things NOT To Do”

  1. My boyfriend and I have lived together for 3 years and in different places...he's getting his own place and so am I but I'm pretty sure he's cheating we have been rocky what should I do..

  2. i know im too late to the party here but im going thro a really hard time and i dont know what to do. my as from today exboyfriend has been hurting me for the 2 year and a half we´ve been togther, im not just talking about cheating, he has treating me really badly but i still forgive him because i had faith he would change. he recently ask for a 15 days break to clear some things up so as always i gave it to him, yesterday i saw a conversation he had with a girl on facebook and he told her "i love you my love you´ve changed my life", i was devastated and asked him about it so he says he would explain me in person today. today came and i asked him to talk as soon as i woke up he avoid me all day and says he would talk me in person, so i insist he should tell me he ignored me, then got angree at me and dumped me really bad he humiliated me he hurt me on purpose. then i saw him with another girl going to a motel and he saw me to and didnt matter, when i ask him about it he says he enjoy it then block me everyway and says he doesnt want to know anything about me ever again. he made the mistake of sent a msj to the girl on facebook saying i used to be his girlfriend and that i wish the best for then. she show the msj to him and he hurt me even more and said he doesnt want anything to do with me again that i should stay away from him. how can a man go from "love me" to that in matter of days. why he did all this to me he should have leave me long ago. in the past weve been thro really bad break ups and he always comes back, would he come back again? how should i handel things if he does? how i move on from such deep pain?. i know this is long but i have no one to talk to

  3. So more than a month ago my ex boyfriend broke up with me because he said I was becoming too clingy and possessive. Then two weeks ago he asked me if we could start over. I accepted because I still do love him very much. I tried everything to change myself for the better and avoid past mistakes but then this Tuesday he talked to me and told me that it was a mistake asking if we could start over again because he can't take it anymore and he also said he doesn't love me. Yesterday I knew that he is talking to another girl and from what his friends told me, they were sweet to each other and that they're almost together now and when they asked my ex if how long he and thie girl started talking he said that it was a long time ago.. so that means he cheated on me. I don't think I can move on from this. I'm having a really hard time considering we're classmates and I see him everyday. Please help..

  4. I have been dating a guy for almost a year. A week before being together for one year I found a fake dating account on his phone. He had a fake picture and fake information and was talking to other women. I feel so lost. I'm trying to understand. He was everything. We hardly ever fought. He was there for me and was talking about marriage. There were no signs whatsoever. I admit I snooped in his phone because I keep having a feeling like I did not know him. It worried me and now I see what people mean by a gut feeling. He claims he never meet people in person. But when I first found it all he denied it all. He even erased what I found and tried to tell me he had no idea what I was talking about. Of course I had taken pictures. I love him. But I hurt so much. I just don't know what I should do. How can you build back a broken relationship? More importantly is trust? I'm a black and white girl. Meaning it is either take it or leave it with me. I was so clear that this is who I am. However now I do not know if I should give him a second chance. Just needed to vent. Any advice would be great.

    1. Hi Amber, don't know if you took him back, but don't trust him. That would be the first thing to do. What you can believe and trust is yourself, and believe that what he tells you is highly possibly a lie. Over time you will start detaching from him. No point in ripping the bandaid off so quickly. Take steps you can handle to get away from him, to untie the knots of love you built, and believe that he didn't tie those same knots himself, he's selfish, very selfish and is using you as a safe haven until he can find better, whatever he thinks is better. And the next women in his life he will do the same guarantee.

      This is not about you what he is doing and he's an *ss to be dumping that bs on you, he is just trying to get away with his cheating..

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