Meeting Someone Who Suddenly Makes You Feel Alive and Loved - Is Very Exciting!
You may think no one has ever made you feel like this, and you can't help but be amazed at the chemistry, or electricity between you and this new love. Many relationships start this way. But sadly, if you don't take the time to get to know each other before jumping into something serious, heartbreak can happen in the end.
Often these kinds of relationships built on infatuation can die as quickly as they spring up. Wikipedia defines infatuation as: the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or love; addictive love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship. It is characterized by urgency, intensity, sexual desire, and or anxiety, in which there is an extreme absorption in another.
The truth is this feeling of urgency and intensity or strong attraction toward another person is not necessarily a reliable indicator of whether you are in love or should immediately dive into a serious dating relationship.
The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon said, guard your affections, for out of them come the issues of life. I see far too many people jumping into relationships and not guarding their affections, only to become confused, disillusioned, and devastated.
We need to keep telling ourselves the basic truths of a healthy and truly loving relationship.
The Best Dating Relationships Develop out of Great Friendships
Finding a meaningful relationship takes time. While you spend time getting to know someone as a friend, you are able to see more clearly whether they are right for you and you for them. There is no more valuable friend to a dating relationship than time. But sadly, many people want to feel that rush of emotion that makes them feel like they are in love. So, they push hard and quickly to feel that overwhelming emotion that says, I am in love. But is it really love?
Rushing into a relationship is always a mistake. Be patient with the process. Impatience is a sure sign of relational immaturity that will lead to hurt unimaginably.
The truth is that the best dating relationships develop out of great friendships.
Riah describes how rushing into a relationship has a lot of disadvantages, "First, if you go too far you could get hurt mentally because of a bad break-up, and physically you could get an STD or something. Just because a guy says they like something about you doesn't mean you need to get in a relationship. Some guys can talk but it doesn't mean you need to fall head over heels for them. Because then you gave your heart away way too fast and you're open to being hurt very easily. To me, that is like settling for anything and you shouldn't settle for less than the best. Don't rush into something that you didn't even have time to think about."
People Don't Fall in Love, They Fall in Ditches
When you rush into a romantic relationship you:
- Say things you don't mean.
- Make promises you can't keep.
- Dig a hole that's hard to get out of.
- Arouse expectations you can't fulfill.
- Trust your feelings rather than the truth.
- Find it easy to make wrong choices.
- Don't give the relationship time to grow in a healthy way.
- Keep looking for more emotional thrills and then invite the curse of boredom into the relationship, where everything normal starts to feel boring.
- End up spending too much time with the one you're dating and excluding your friends.
- Believe in the myth of love at first sight. There's no such thing. There's good chemistry at first sight, but not love at first sight. People don't fall in love; they fall in ditches.
Misplaced Hunger for Love Can Hurt You
The picture of relationships we see on television or in the movies doesn't allow us to see the time and commitment it takes to build a solid foundation. After a 22-minute episode or a 90-minute movie we are left thinking the most romantic relationships happen very quickly, are extremely intense and will last forever. The fact is that strong relationships develop slowly over time with much hard work and commitment.
Most people I talk to on my show are so anxious to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, sometimes just to feel loved. While it is a great thrill to meet someone you connect with or feel attracted to, don't let your hunger for love throw you into a situation that is going to distract and hurt you.
Amber is honest when she admits her need to always be in a relationship, "I'm quick to open my heart too early because I lack that something. I'm always told that I act immature in relationships, and I tend to push them over the edge. I do not trust men and I feel the need to test them to see if they will hurt me. When a girl is hurt by a male or she lives life with an absent father figure, there is a void in her soul and she searches high and low to fill it. If it even RESEMBLES a small taste of what has been missing, she grabs it, not being logical in her actions but so emotionally consumed that filling that void is all she sees."
Just Slow Down
I have talked to thousands of young adults who keep making the same mistake over and over again. I tell myself if I can just get some of these tragic souls to slow down and get a hold of themselves, I can save them hours of unnecessary drama and needless suffering.
I would also recommend taking the time to pray to God and ask him to guide you as you consider a relationship with someone. This is an important decision that involves your heart. Solomon also said, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 God wants to guide you and protect you so ask Him!
Just remember what Jessica has to say: "Don't jump in too quick, get to know the guy first. Talk to people who know him and that will help you see the real him. Make sure he has a good relationship with his family. That can tell a lot about a guy, especially the way he treats his mother."
Are you questioning if what you are feeling is real love? Read - How to Know It's Really Love.
I'm 23 years old and I never had a girlfriend. I'm always too shy around girls but I still don't mind talking to them. Another problem I have is that I see many girls nowadays don't want to be bothered and that's the actual reason why I have trouble getting with women. Truth is, I'm not sure if I really want a girlfriend; I get this depressing feeling of loneliness and feel like I want one but I don't believe that I'm ready for a relationship. I just have a problem getting social with the opposite sex because of my lackluster experience with women and I feel like a creeper that does nothing but bother their spaces. I feel like I want to be loved and have something meaningful with a special someone but I feel empty and I cope this loneliness with masturbation and pornography which later on strikes this irritating feeling of slapping myself and not wanting to be touched. Lastly, whenever I see other men in relationships, it gives me this comparison issue of feeling like they're better than me all because they have a girlfriend, nice car, better job and many other values that I feel like I can't seem to obtain.
I am sorry you are experiencing this struggle right now of feeling depressed and lonely. I really appreciate your honesty. The pornography can lead to even more isolation and loneliness. This week we have a new blog about it. I really think you should check it out. Also, we are here for you and want to help you find hope. You can chat with us anytime 24/7 - here's the link to log in for chat http://www.thehopeline.com/GetHelp/ I hope you will chat with us online.
And here's the new blog that posted this week - http://www.thehopeline.com/the-gateway-drug-to-sexual-violence/
Dude, it is so obvious what your problem is. You are going after the wrong girls. You need to go after girls in your league. If you dont know what your league is, here's the test: If the girl smiles and blushes when you talk to her, then she is in your league. What is equally important is that you have at least one thing that is obviously in common with her. Other things will come, but you need something to talk about with her when you first meet her.
TLDR: find a girl that is in your league, and that you have something in comon with to talk about.
I think you should have friends, not a girlfriend. Personally, for me, I can live without a girlfriend, but I cannot live with hurting the people I care about. Make friends, make family, and if there is a girl that you end uo dating, thats good, but not necessary for you to not feel lonely.
In my experience, they never last & you end up hating each other.
i met this girl at university.. we started hanging out as friends and after 3 month of both hiding our emotions not to destroy out friendship (even though we had a great time every second) we told each other and got together...3 months into it now we have sex eveyday and sleep together 5 times a week and the i love you came...and masks dropped and we talk about every single thing that comes into our head.. is that normal tho? i feel like its going too fast
I think I really need to take this on board. I've hurt people because I've not thought about it. Any advice you can give on following this advice (which I appreciate is madness) would be really well received. Thank you for the great article.
This advice doesn't fit my relationship style. I am very much a love at first sight person. If things don't happen, and happen fast, with a woman I am interested in, then I move on until I find a woman I am interested in who is willing to move at my speed. And by fast, I mean if we are not in a relationship within a week I dip.
you're chasing the rush, the lust, and the hormone sync. You can't build a solid foundation for a relationship within a week. You may need to do some evaluating and talk to people with successful, long time marriages about realistic expectations and making sure something is there when the adrenaline wears off.