Posts by TheHopeLine Team

Unplanned Pregnancy to Fighting for Custody 

Brende had to represent herself in court for two years. Even though her son’s father wanted her to abort him, now he keeps fighting her for custody. She’s trying to fight for her son and be strong, but sometimes it’s so hard.

Here’s her story: About 3 years ago, I had an unplanned pregnancy with two different guys. Both of them wanted me to abort the child. The one who ended up being the biological father wanted me to abort the child. I said, “no” to abortion. He said that I should give him up for adoption and I said, “no”. So, I did everything I could to make sure my son had everything when he was born.

We had texting battles, with him saying he didn’t want anything to do with my son. But then when my son was 8 months old, he took me to court, and he won primary custody of my son.

Why I Lost Custody - I Had No Choice but To Represent Myself in Court

I don’t have a good relationship with my family. I’ve had a really bad history of sexual abuse from my mother and her boyfriend. So, I did not have the best history. They tested me for every drug in the book, but all tests came out negative. They said that I didn’t handle myself properly, because I couldn’t hold my composure in court. I was crying. The thing was I didn’t have a lawyer.

I represented myself for two years.

But the Lord has been so generous every single time. The last time I went back to court, his father tried to take my son away so I could only see him once a month. The judge looked at him in disgust and gave me unsupervised visits from 10am to 6pm on Wednesdays and Sundays.

Another way God has been good to me is I was able to find a church where I live. They have been such a loving church family. I’m involved in the church for me but most importantly to teach my son.

No Daddy’s House

Last year in February, my son started talking more. When I took him back to his father’s house after church, he said, “no daddy’s house”. He doesn’t know exactly how to explain it, but he doesn’t want to go back to daddy’s house. I try not to think negative things, but I have no idea what’s going on over there. His father doesn’t communicate with me at all. Every Sunday and Wednesday my son runs to me. He wants to stay with me. He says, “Mommy can I stay with you a little longer.”

I don’t have the money or knowledge to take him back to court. I feel I’m losing hope that my son will ever come back home. I have to remind myself every day to compose myself when I’m around my son. I tell him, “One day, in Jesus' Name, you’re going to come live with mommy.” I remind him, “Baby, every time you're scared, Jesus is with you.” I don’t know what goes on in that house. I’m not accusing them of doing anything. But something is occurring where my son doesn’t want to go back.

Peer to Peer: Advice and Encouragement for Brende

It’s incredible what Brende’s gone through…stemming from an unintended pregnancy. Even with the opposition from her baby’s dad, and despite all the difficulties, Brende is a single mom pressing through, and standing strong for herself and her son. Here is some encouragement for Brende from some of her peers.

Contact a Christian Legal Clinic in Your Area – Andi

My heart goes out to this young lady more than you could possibly know. I don’t have any great words of wisdom. I have a practical thought. I know in Louisville, KY where I live, we have a Christian legal clinic at several different locations that deal with situations like this. They will walk alongside a person who can’t afford legal help, to provide the legal aid they need. In her area or nearby, they may have a similar organization.

Children’s Services Need to be Called – Paula

The first thought that came to my mind was that children's services needs to be called. My first concern is for her child, going back and forth. The things he is scared of…we don’t know what they are at this point. It won’t do any good for her to call, because they won’t listen to her. She needs a good friend to go with her to her unsupervised visits to witness what the child is saying. And ask him in a non-threatening way, why is he scared to go back. It’s okay to ask these questions to determine if it’s abandonment issues or is there really something going on in that home. If there is an alarm, then children's services need to be called.

The next thought is you need to get yourself stabilized and there’s a lot of unknown here so maybe this is already true. You need to have a part-time job, even if it’s in a laundry mat. You need to get your home clean day in and day out to prove to the system you can get your son back.

God is Your Refuge and Fortress

Also, Psalm 91 comes to my mind. That’s where God protects you. I pray for a hedge of protection around you.
“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the LORD, “You are my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.” (Psalm 91:1-2)

Repeatedly Pray the Bible Verse, “No weapon formed against me shall prosper.” - Falen

I would like to share with her, she’s not alone. I’ll share some of what I have been through and am still going through. I lost my son. Through years of fighting, he came back home by the grace of God. The devil has still fought me since then. I have another son who’s younger. Last summer I was put through the fire again, but by the grace of God I made it out. Both of my kids are home with me. I have two healthy amazing boys, and I wish someone gave me the advice I’m trying to give to Brende. I don’t know the exact details, but I know it can be the fight of your life. And sometimes you feel like you don’t have any father down that you can do. But I promise you that God isn’t going to abandon you. I hit my knees every night and I repeat the Bible verse, “No weapon formed against me shall prosper.” (Isaiah 54:17) If you have to say that a million times a day, whatever you have to do to get through that minute, that second, that hour. You cannot give up hope! Whatever you do, don’t give up hope! Good is always going to prevail!

You Have to Get a Good Lawyer – Rita

“If God is for you, who can be against you.” (Romans 8:31) At the time, I had a 10-year-old son and a 6-year-old daughter, and I was the primary custodian. After 6 years of divorce, my ex-husband decided to just keep the children in California. I was the primary custodian, and I had all my court papers, So I flew out to California. I got my daughter, my son wanted to stay. After I flew back to Texas my ex-husband had a lot of money and his family did too, and they had me thrown in jail for federal kidnapping on a $50,000 bond on trumped-up charges. I was only in for a weekend. Satan was really after me. I did not get to see my children for 4 years. My ex-husband filed a restraining order against me in California. I had gone to the judge in Texas, who left the federal kidnapping charges over my head. I was very devastated, like you, but I fought with every ounce of fight I had. You do have to get a good lawyer, because you will get walked on, because you don’t know what you’re doing. Always have a lawyer, no matter what it takes. After all that happened, I did get my children back.

Ask for a Court-Appointed Special Advocate and Court-Appointed Attorney for Your Child – Tina

I’ve spent 15 years of my life in a family court system with two children. It is a whole different language. My advice is when you get a lawyer, ask for a court-appointed special advocate for her child and to ask for a court-appointed attorney for the child. That attorney will represent the child’s interest and not the parents. I had things in place and still got a lot of grief. It’s the devil. I want to encourage her to be led by the Holy Spirit and not her emotions. She needs to be, “wise as a serpent, and gentle as a dove.” (Matthew 10:16)

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking? Brende Has a Lot of Fight left!

Brende says, she has a lot of fight left! She can’t do it alone, but with God on her side, she can do it. With God’s strength, she can face the attacks from her son’s father. She does need to follow some of the advice given; including getting a lawyer. It seems so unfair that she had to represent herself, but what courage she’s shown!

If you’ve been through a custody battle and have good, solid advice or relevant resources to share, please give them in the comments below!

More Help and Resources for Custody Battles:

Legal Services Resource:  Christian Legal Aid
Christian Counseling Service (Free Consultation): Focus On The Family 
Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

How to Identify Sexual Assault

Sexual Allegations Soar

As I scroll through my social media newsfeed, I can’t help but notice a recurring trend. Almost daily, it seems as though we’re being bombarded by some sort of sexual allegation being made against yet another prominent individual. Even the rich and powerful – once thought to be untouchable – are falling like dominoes.

From celebrities to religious leaders to political officials occupying the highest levels of our government, sexual scandals continue to plague every aspect of our society, and unfortunately, some of these high-profile figures have gotten away with these atrocities for far too long.

But why?

Why do celebrities, religious figures, politicians, and leaders of all kinds engage in sexual assault? What is the common thread connecting this type of behavior?

Investigating the Causes of Sexual Aggression

As it turns out, researchers from Stanford University have been busy asking the same question. These researchers have conducted a series of studies into sexual aggression and assault with the goal of better understanding the factors that lead to this type of behavior.[i]

In one of those studies, 252 adults from the United States—about half men and half women—participated in an online survey. In that study, researchers formulated different scenarios that imagined the participant in a position of influence over other people.

The results? Participants in this study who were unable to recall a time when they had actual influence in their real lives were more likely to use their imagined influence to coerce another person into sexually inappropriate situations than were those who reported that they did, in fact, exercise actual influence in their everyday lives.

These findings indicate that men and women who initially exercise low to no influence in their lives, but who then suddenly rise to a new position of influence, those people are more likely to coerce subordinates into unwanted sexual activities.

Another study had 273 adults—again, about half men and half women—participate in an online study. Researchers in this study offered the participants imagined workplace scenarios where they either exercised relatively equal influence as their coworkers or a superior quality of influence over their subordinates.

In both scenarios, the participants were instructed to imagine themselves to be physically attracted to a coworker who did not express a reciprocal attraction. Once again, researchers learned that those who exercised more influence over others—that is, the managers—were more likely to aggressively pursue a colleague or subordinate beyond the appropriate standards of workplace behavior.

The researchers also discovered that, once again, of all the participants to respond to the scenario, it was the group of managers who suddenly went from positions of lower influence to positions of higher influence were more likely to sabotage a colleague’s career in order to pursue their own romantic or sexual interests.

Identifying a Common Thread

So, a common thread in this kind of behavior seems to be that a sudden rise in power or influence may make one more likely to pursue an inappropriate sexual encounter with an employee, and that’s whether the behavior is welcomed or not.

On the other hand, the researchers also discovered that individuals in stable positions of influence—that is, people who have learned to exercise influence in responsible ways—tend to have completely different responses to opportunities for pursuing inappropriate sexual encounters, and that’s also whether the behavior is welcomed or not.

Given this recent research, we now have new insight into why one person might violate another. But just because we now know that there’s a correlation between positions of immature influence and sexual assault does not in any way justify any form of assault against another person. This behavior is wrong and harmful to everyone involved, including the perpetrator.

As mentioned there are many more factors that figure into why one might commit sexual assault. My goal here is to highlight these recent findings by professional researchers in order to get us thinking about some of the psychological reasons underlying sexual assault.

But knowing and what to do are two different sides of the same coin. So what can one do to combat sexual assault?

What Can You Do to Combat Sexual Assault?

Here are four actions anyone can take in dealing with sexual assault—or even someone who just wants to be proactive.

1. Be Aware of who you work for and their Reputation.

The Apostle Paul penned some seemingly simple words to the church in Corinth, but these words have such a profound meaning and application today—as they did then. He writes, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’” The lesson is if your coworkers or boss associates with shady people, chances are he or she will be influenced by them or is like them.

So, be aware. Avoid situations where you would be alone with that boss or co-worker. Be aware of getting the wrong type of signals—and be aware of what type of interaction is inappropriate. Don’t laugh it off, seriously consider the interaction(s).

2. Trust your “Gut”

There are times when you cannot put into words what you’re feeling or why you are feeling that way. You simply know something is off. When you get that feeling, trust it. If you need to, switch shifts, tell a coworker or loved ones what you sense.
Generally, I have found that when I go with my gut I am always thankful. What is your gut telling you about a potentially harmful situation? Listen to it.

3. Don’t let Spiritual Authority coerce you to say, “Yes.”

Spiritual abuse has gone on long enough! If a pastor, priest, anyone with spiritual authority, puts you in an uncomfortable situation, you do not have to stay. Never, at any time, should any clergy make you feel uneasy or uncomfortable. And never should they pressure you or coerce you into sexual acts.

You have every right to say, “No.” Unfortunately, it can be difficult for many to say “No” because of the position of authority the other person holds. Regardless if someone is a priest, pastor, or some other type of clergy, God is disgusted by acts where these individuals use their influence to prey [not pray] on another. God is disgusted!

4. Don’t Make the Mistake of Saying, “It Cannot Happen to me.”

If while reading this article you realize that you yourself may be susceptible to engaging in sexual assault, then take action immediately. Talk to a close friend or see a counselor as soon as possible. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that it can never happen to you. How many times have we heard that one? “It will never happen to me” is one of those phrases that winds up turning around and slapping us in the face!

I have dealt with sexual misconduct situations as they have happened to my college students, and I know it is not easy reporting—and some believe if they say something it will do more damage.

In the church world, this can get complicated. Feelings of, “If I report this, I am going to damage the church” or “I have to keep this a secret because they asked me to and I can’t betray them,” can flood the victim's mind. The bottom line is that the pastor did this to you—it is the pastor who is responsible for any fallout, not you. The first step to gaining your freedom back is to tell someone.

Finally, there is healing. There are no easy answers to recovering from sexual assault, but you can find the help you need in your journey of healing by surrounding yourself with a good community, Christian counselors, and asking the Lord for peace, wisdom, and wholeness. I cannot emphasize it enough, healing is possible.

Used with permission and originally published at Relevant Magazine.com.

TheHopeLine’s partner, Rainn, offers 24/7 free, confidential support, information, advice, or referrals for help with sexual assault through their trained support specialist.

About the Author...
BRYAN A. SANDS After twenty years in the church and university worlds, Bryan A. Sands has accepted the call of Lead Pastor at Kaimuki Christian Church in Honolulu, Hawaii. He is the author of, Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait? (A Discussion in Sexual Faithfulness). Bryan and his wife, Caz, have three daughters. Bryan also offers a 6 part video curriculum that is connected with his book, Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait? on YouTube: Small Group Curriculum - Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait?

How Does Bullying Impact You Long-Term?

You Can Have Strong Relationships After Being Bullied

Bullying is a difficult thing to overcome, especially if it happens to us as children. We recently got a message from someone who lived through childhood bullying, and I think their struggle is one many can relate to:

"I was bullied as a kid, and it really hurt me. It was heartbreaking to be made fun of whenever we crossed paths at school. No matter how nice I tried to be, or how many favors I did for the person who bullied me, it was never enough for him. He was always cruel. It's been a long time since middle school, but sometimes I wonder if the issues I have in relationships now have something to do with how I was treated as a child. Can you help me understand how childhood bullying impacts my relationships, and if there's anything I can do about it?"

Childhood is the time when our perceptions of people, and the responses our brain and body have in various situations, are being formed. If you were bullied as a child, you probably respond to people in your life today in ways that were shaped by that experience. 

The good news is, when we understand how our relationships are shaped by painful experiences, we can make the choice to think and act differently. Here are some of the challenges you may have, and some suggestions for how you can shift your mindset.

Difficulty Trusting 

Trust issues can take many forms in our relationships. For you, this may look like:

• Assuming the worst about a person or situation.
• Believing that nice things people say are backhanded compliments, or that people are not being sincere
• Having a feeling that anything you say or do could get you punished or made fun of by someone else, even if you're trying your best

If you struggle with trust, it’s important to remember that all relationships are different because all people are different. Whoever hurt you in the past is not the same person you are making friends with now. Their reactions will be different, their treatment of you will be different, and your relationship will follow a different path.

Sense of Fear and Uncertainty

In the message I shared with you, the person who contacted us said that no matter what they tried to do to be kind to the person who hurt them, they were bullied.  I understand the fear and uncertainty that kind of experience can bring. When you feel this way with a friend or romantic partner, it may help to:

• Talk about your feelings with them, and ask them for help and encouragement. 
• Remind yourself of all the ways they have been there for you.
• Express gratitude to them for acts of love and kindness they show you.

It's true that we’re going to carry childhood pain with us into future relationships, but there’s hope. If you think about it, there isn't anyone you care about who hasn't experienced something painful that they are still healing from. Perhaps it helps to think of it as the two of you working through your fears and uncertainties together, and growing closer together in the process.

Feeling Unable or Unwilling to Make New Friends

If your experience with bullying meant that you didn't have many friends as a child, or if you were bullied by someone you thought was your friend, the thought of making new friends could be intimidating. Or maybe you feel like it's not worth it to make new friends since you were so disappointed in the past. 

The good news is, you don't need to crowd your life and your time with friendships and relationships, especially if relationship building is a taxing process for you. You can focus your energy on one or two people who have shown care, compassion, and concern for you. Give them time, energy, and focus as you're able. With time, you will likely become more comfortable expanding your circle of friends. But for now, it's okay to start small. 

If a good person is no longer in our life because of childhood bullying, that doesn’t mean we’ll never find another good friend. We will always find good people, because the majority of people are trying their best to be good. If we are still surrounded by people who are attacking us, it’s time to re-evaluate what we are prioritizing in our lives.

For example, if you started spending time with people to become more popular, but they were unkind to you, perhaps you can focus instead on meeting people with common interests and common life goals. If you’ve noticed that people have been kind to you who might not have as much in common with you as you thought, try opening your mind to a unique new friendship that may not have been what you expected, but will be rooted in care and mutual kindness.

It's helpful to remember that we were all created for community and relationship. I believe that God created you with love, for loving relationships with Him, and with the people He has put in your life. When you are unsure about the future of your friendships and relationships, or when you need help healing from the pain of past wounds, He is always there for you.

Affects the Way, We See Ourselves

Childhood bullying can do a number on our self-esteem well into adulthood. It's important to feel and acknowledge that pain. But it's necessary to dig deeper if you want to get to the other side of it. 

There are two big truths to consider here. The bully who hurt you was in pain themselves. This doesn't make what they did or said okay. But they were not thinking clearly, and what they said or did does not represent the truth about you. A lot of times, people lash out at others because that person has something they see as missing from their own lives. Perhaps they saw your talent, your good relationships, or your personality and responded to what they felt they were missing out of a place of jealousy. Think about the good truths you can uncover about yourself beneath their distorted reaction. 

Here's another thing to keep in mind: if you choose to see yourself as the bully sees you, they win. They retain that power and control over your emotions, even if they are long gone from your day-to-day life. Letting go of their hold on you must involve rejecting unkind lies they told you, and embracing the kinder, more loving truth about yourself.

Attaching or Clinging to People

Since bullying makes us fearful of the relationships ending or going sour, some people who were bullied as kids attach or cling to people they want to befriend when they get older. If this is something you struggle with, you might be especially clingy to people who give you a little more wiggle room to be yourself.  That can sometimes cause people to pull back or retreat. But reminding yourself that they want to be a part of your life, and that it is kind and respectful to give them time and space if they need it, might help correct some of the unhealthy boundaries in your relationship.

You don't have to navigate the relationship challenges that come up as a result of childhood bullying by yourself. TheHopeLine trains our HopeCoaches to offer mentoring that can help you grow more confident in current friendships and relationships, while learning to let go of past pain. 

Talk to a HopeCoach today about how childhood bullying affected you, and how you'd like to break free and get back to being yourself. We are here for you, and we believe great things can happen in your friendships and relationships.

Perhaps childhood bullying has caused you to struggle with hating yourself. You are not alone. Many people struggle with self-hate. Here are 5 things to think and do when you hate yourself. 

How to Talk About Your Porn Addiction

A Hopeful Mom on Her Son’s Porn Addiction and Recovery

I am a mom of four beautiful children. They each have their positive and negative traits. Each has made me laugh and feel pride at their accomplishments, and each has disappointed me and fallen short of my expectations. While I have high hopes for them, I realize they are regular people struggling to make it in the world. They have ups and downs, highs and lows. They have raging hormones and friends who influence them. And it’s my desire, as a parent, to be there for them, to show them love, no matter what.

When I found out my then-14-year-old son had been watching pornography behind my back for years, I felt sick and spent several days trying to comprehend the enormity of the situation. I was in denial, partially because he was my "good" son. He was the one who never lied to me. He was the one who made me laugh and told me secrets. We had lengthy conversations about right and wrong, good and evil. So, I felt confused and betrayed by this difficult news. But I was also thankful for the opportunity to help him.

A New Perspective

As a parent, I was clueless. I had no idea my son’s iPod connected to the internet and he could watch pornography on it. I knew porn existed, but I didn’t know how easily accessible it was—or how curious preteens and teens are. I trusted my son. I taught him right from wrong. He grew up in a Bible-believing home, and I thought that was enough. But I was wrong. 

It’s possible your parent doesn’t understand the prevalence of pornography in today’s society. It’s possible your caregiver hasn’t protected your devices with filters because they don’t know they need to. 

As I researched pornography’s effects, I learned of its pervasiveness. I learned middle schoolers and high schoolers send nudes on a regular basis and believe this is normal and natural. I also learned even though children who struggle with a porn problem feel shame and guilt, they are reluctant to tell their parents because they are afraid to disappoint them. Or they don’t want to get in trouble.

Statistics Don’t Lie

If you are a teen or young adult, chances are you’ve been exposed to pornography, whether you sought it deliberately or stumbled across it accidentally. Some watch once and never go back. But some, like my son, are pulled in time and again, until they are hooked.

If you think about porn often, can’t sleep at night without it, feel shame or guilt because you can’t stop or are hiding your behavior from your parents/caregiver, you may have a problem. Give your parents a chance to help you. Or find a trusted adult to confide in—a friend’s parent, a teacher, a counselor, or a pastor. 

My Experience

I was shocked and dumbfounded when I first learned of my son’s porn habit. But I also listened and told him we were on his side. We did not punish him. Rather, we put boundaries in place to protect him. We added filters and checked in with him regularly. 

Unfortunately, he continued his behavior. Thankfully, my son eventually responded to a presentation at youth group. A youth leader, openly and honestly elaborated about his exposure to pornography and how it affected his life. He described how porn ruined his parents’ marriage and other relationships in the family. David absorbed this information and recognized how his behavior could wreck his future. It was at this point he confessed to us for the second time.

I am thankful our son trusted us and felt comfortable coming to us. As a parent, it was not easy to hear of my son’s transgressions. I wanted to scream and yell, and some parents may. But after the shock wore off, my mama bear instincts kicked in, and I went to work helping my son kick his habit.

We added more filters—to both the Wi-Fi router and each device. We set up parental controls on his device and only allowed electronics in shared spaces. At my son’s request, we put his phone in our master bathroom every night. We also set him up with a program to help him learn more about brain science and its connection to pornography, keep track of his progress, and help him be accountable. 

Our goal was to listen to our son, be available to him, and support him in his endeavors. We did our best not to judge him when he faltered, and we encouraged him when he felt tempted.  His recovery was slow with some stops and starts, but he now walks in freedom from his addiction. That’s my hope for all teens and young adults trapped in the grip of pornography. 

I can’t predict how your parents will respond when you disclose your problem to them. However, the effects of porn addiction are far more destructive than coming clean with your parents or a trusted adult. 

Here are 9 tips for talking with your parents:  

1. Tell them when they are most receptive. Wait until they are not hungry or tired and tell them in private.
2. Be truthful. Disclose all pertinent information without going into details. Answer their questions.
3. Give them space to process. Your parents may not understand why looking at porn is a problem (everyone does it), or they may be shocked their child would even think to look at porn. Whatever reaction you encounter, be patient with them. Let them express their feelings (assuming they aren’t abusive).
4. Seek forgiveness. Own up to the ways you have hurt them, lied to them, and betrayed their trust.
5. Ask for help. Most parents want to help their child. If they see your desire to get healthy, they should help you through the process.
6. Offer advice. I didn’t understand porn’s effects, and I had no idea how to help my son. He knew what he needed better than I did. I listened to his suggestions and implemented his ideas.
7. Educate. Your parents, like me, may not understand porn’s effects. Point them toward hopefulmom.net for resources, support, and encouragement.
8. Be patient. Remember, your parents feel betrayed, and it's hard to trust again. It may take time and reassurance on your part. Be patient when they question your actions and motives repeatedly. Be willing to answer them over and over.
9. Keep them informed. Check-in with them regularly and give them updates on your progress. 
   Over time, my son and I reconciled and restored our relationship. Through baby steps, I learned to trust him again. We are now closer than we’ve ever been. I look up to him as a hero. I respect his determination and perseverance to quit his addiction. And I admire the man he has become. That’s my hope for you.

About the Author: 
Barb Winters lives in FL, is a wife and parent of four children, and loves writing, photography, playing games with her family, and going to the beach. She helps parents of children struggling with pornography. Contact Barb at hopefulmom619@gmail.com or visit her website at Difficult Conversations

Most of us have an internal monologue playing through our minds 24/7. Maybe yours reaches way back into childhood and pulls out the random theme song to that one obscure cartoon and plays it over and over again while you’re trying to work. Maybe you’re practicing conversations in your head, reliving the past or rehearsing for the future. Maybe you’re just thinking about what to eat for lunch. Hopefully, your internal monologue keeps you living in a neutral to positive mindset most of the time. But we’ve all had days when that inner voice turns against us… constantly reminding us of our mistakes, flaws, regrets, fears, etc. And sometimes we get stuck in that negative place. It can be really dangerous, and it can be extremely lonely. 

How to Encourage a Self-Hating Friend

How Do You Know If a Friend Is Struggling?

Some of us are very good at hiding when our minds and hearts are in that negative place, so it’s important to remember that it may not always be immediately obvious when someone is living in self-hatred. Maybe your friend is “the strong one,” the one who always seems to know what to do, who takes the lead and plans all the best hangouts, who never seems tired, and who always answers the phone when you need to talk. Or maybe your friend is “the funny one,” always joking, sometimes in a self-deprecating way, but as long as they’re laughing you figure they must be fine, right? Not always.

Check on your friends. Ask them, “How is your heart today?” Don’t assume they’re fine because there’s a smile on their face. Make sure they know you’re a safe person to share their true feelings with, because if you never know they’re struggling in the first place, it’s going to be tough to support them through that. Don’t pester them endlessly! Just make sure that, every once in a while, you’re checking in on a deeper level than “Hey, what time is movie night?”

If you have a friend who is outwardly struggling with their self-esteem, you’re ahead of the game. You know they’re in need, and you can take steps to support them.

What Would You Need?

Once you know a friend is hurting, it can be overwhelming to know what to do. A good place to start is to turn the situation around on yourself. Think back… on your very worst days when you felt defeated and worthless, what helped you? Maybe your mom took you to get ice cream. Maybe your brother sent you texts full of cute puppy GIFs. Maybe your best friend didn’t say anything, but she did sit just a little extra close to you on the bus, so you knew she was there.

Humans have a lot more in common than we sometimes like to admit, so chances are that what makes you feel better when you’re down on yourself will help someone else. At the very least, the needs you have when you’re struggling with self-esteem--what you need to hear from your peers--are closely related to the needs your friend has as they’re stuck in self-hatred. Start there. It may turn out that your friend is lactose intolerant, prefers cats, and doesn’t like touching… but most of the time, they’re probably going to appreciate that you’re trying to connect with them. Take their feedback and respect your differences but try to capture the spirit of those times when you felt loved and supported through a tough moment. Practice kindness, compassion, and empathy.

Find The Source.

Self-hatred goes much deeper than a single instance, so momentary support may not always be enough to solve the problem. Spend time with your friend. Listen to them. Pay attention to what they say or do that could clue you in on the real source of their self-hatred.

Are they always commenting on how great other people look? Are they always nervously glancing at their reflection in the mirror? Are they constantly talking about food, calories, exercise, clothes? Maybe the source of their self-hatred has to do with an unhealthy body image.

Are they having trouble at home, with a partner or a parent? Are they struggling financially or academically? Are they interviewing for new jobs all the time, or have they abruptly stopped talking about someone or something when they normally bend your ear about it? It could be the source of their self-hatred is that they’re feeling abandoned and blaming themselves. They could be feeling ineffective or useless if they’re struggling with work or grades. They could be feeling trapped or stuck in a situation and hate themselves for being unable to change their circumstances.

Wherever it is, identifying this source is the only way to truly address the problem of self-hate.

Remind Them How Wonderful They Are.

That said, temporary distractions can offer significant relief to someone who’s constantly hearing that inner voice shout about everything that’s wrong. Here are a few things you could try to show your friend that, however they feel about themselves, you do NOT hate them at all:

• Mail them a postcard. Even if they live in your house! Receiving mail that’s meant just for them may remind them that someone loves them enough to write a note, buy a stamp, and walk to the mailbox. That can mean everything!
• Bring them their favorite coffee (without asking). It’s not your job to anticipate all your friend’s needs, but it is nice to show them occasionally that you think about them when you’re not around, and that you know them well enough to remember their favorite things.
• Goofy socks. Seriously. Have you ever received a pair of goofy socks that didn’t make you chuckle? And the best part about this one is that, unless they’re a monster who doesn’t like socks (in which case you should reconsider your friendship), they’ll get to chuckle all over again every time they wash, fold, or wear their goofy socks. That can do a lot for the loneliness and isolation that comes with persistent self-hatred.
• Send “Remember that time…?” texts. Remember that time the two of you sat in the car for over an hour just screaming the lyrics to your new favorite musical? Wasn’t that great? Remind your friend how much you have enjoyed your time with them. They are VALUABLE to you. It’s a small gesture, but it can really chip away at the lies they’re starting to believe about their own worth.

Be Careful to Protect Your Own Energy.

It’s also important to remind you that your friend’s mental health is not solely your responsibility. Yes, you should love and support them as best you can, but you should not do so at the expense of your own well-being. For instance, if you have a friend who struggles mostly at night, it is not your job to lose sleep by staying up to talk on the phone with them every time. It’s okay to tell your friend that tonight you actually have to go to bed. Point them toward resources that can be there for them when you’re not available and try your best not to feel guilty when you decide to take time for yourself. You won’t be much help to them anymore if you too are feeling exhausted, defeated, drained, or worthless. Take care of yourself.

If you feel it’s time to bring in more support, that’s okay. If you’re still in school, talk to one of their teachers or the school counselor. If your parents are trustworthy and healthy, ask them to help. If you’re in therapy, share what’s going on with your counselor and ask for advice. By no means should you betray your friend’s trust or confidence by inappropriately sharing their problems with someone who has no business getting involved. Respect your friend’s privacy at the same time as you remember that there are professional and confidential resources available to support both you and your friend if you need them.

In the End, You Can’t Do It for Them…

Ultimately, you can’t actually make your friend love themselves. Only they can do the work necessary to heal from the source of their self-hatred. Do what you can to show that you love them. Then wait as patiently as you can for them to go through their healing process. You can take a page out of Jesus’ book on this part of friendship. He never gives up on us. He waits patiently, reminding us that He values us even when we don’t see value in ourselves, so that we know He’ll be there when we’re ready to accept His unconditional love. You’re not alone. Your friend is not alone. There is love and hope waiting on the other side of this struggle… and as always HopeCoaches are available 7 days a week if you need to chat.

Find Healing After Abuse

Staying hopeful after abuse is difficult, but not impossible. Through being a part of TheHopeLine team, I’ve witnessed many people rediscover a sense of hope after assault, and find healing after abuse.

There’s no one right way for everyone to go about their recovery. You are unique, and so are some of the particulars of your abusive relationship or your assault.

But there are some helpful, healthy practices that I’ve seen have a positive impact on many people in the aftermath of their painful experiences.

How to Heal After Abuse

Consider Common Experiences

It’s likely you know someone who has also experienced abuse or assault. Even if you don’t know someone personally who has gone through something similar to what you’re facing, there are plenty of people who have. 

One of the reasons assault and abuse support groups are so effective is that the sharing of common experiences helps curb the sense of isolation that’s otherwise so common among abuse and assault victims.

In the course of your recovery after assault, it may help to gently remind yourself, “I am not the only one experiencing this kind of pain. There are many people who understand what I’m dealing with and many people who have experienced healing and recovery in spite of their painful experiences”.

Make Health a Priority

Healing happens more readily when we make health and wellness a priority. Doing this doesn’t have to mean taking drastic steps. Simple things like this go a long way:

• Make and keep doctor and dentist appointments.
• Start seeing a counselor, therapist, mentor, or pastoral counselor. 
• Take 10 minutes a day to stretch gently and practice deep breathing,
• Go for a walk in a place you find beautiful.
• Carry a water bottle to remind yourself to stay hydrated.
• Get plenty of rest.

I know these things don’t erase the terrible pain you’re experiencing, but regular self-care can help you address your immediate needs with people who are trained and able to support the physical, mental, and emotional healing you need.
Start with small goals, and celebrate with joy and gratitude any time you are able to be kind to yourself, or to ask for and accept what you need.

Find Faith Where You Can

Healing is often a slower process than we want it to be. Suffering through great pain, or experiencing the sense of loss that comes after someone has violated or hurt us, can leave us feeling like there’s a gaping hole inside.

It can really take a toll on someone's faith. How in the world can God let these things happen? Doesn’t he care? Doesn’t he know what I’m dealing with?

These are all normal questions to ask in the aftermath of assault or abuse. And while there’s no simple solution, I want to encourage you to find faith where you can. Look for even the smallest things that remind you of God’s love, and remind yourself of them as often as you need to. 

If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to allow yourself time and space to feel a range of emotions, even if they’re difficult, negative, or unpleasant. Healing is not an overnight process, but it is a continual one. You are likely healing and building resilience in ways you don’t even notice right now.

Even a few minutes a day of meditation, prayer, or memorizing a couple of verses can be a great comfort in some of the dark days that come with assault and abuse recovery.

Get Help When You Need It

There will be times when, no matter what you try, you may feel overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness. Or you may feel like you want to give up on life altogether.

Get help when you need it. That could be as simple as calling a crisis line, reaching out to a friend, or seeing your mental health professional. Asking for help is one of the strongest and most courageous things to do. And if you’re here, you’re already on that path to healing. You can talk to a Hope Coach at TheHopeLine if you’re recovering after abuse or assault and need extra help and support. We are here for you, and we believe you can grow, change, and heal.

Blaming yourself for abuse is normal, but here is hope for healing after abuse. Abuse is never your fault. For more read, One Day at a Time: Healing After Abuse.

Visit Our Partner Resources for Assistance:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (24/7)
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) 24/7

What To Do If You Hate Your Stepparent

Families are supposed to be a group of people we trust and feel safe with. Many people spend most of their lives having close relationships to their immediate family members, and “traditional family values” keep us bound together for better or for worse. But when something happens to upset the standard nuclear family model, it can stir up a lot of feelings. Whether it’s a remarriage after death or divorce, adding a stepparent to your family is a big deal! Every feeling you’re having about your new stepparent is valid and normal, and you are NOT a bad person for experiencing those emotions. But if you’re stuck in a negative place, know that your relationship with your stepparent doesn’t have to be a total disaster. 

How to Navigate Hating a Step-Parent

What Exactly Do You Hate About Them?

First off, you need to figure out exactly what it is that you hate so much. Identifying the specific source of the problem is key to determining whether there’s a workable solution.

 Let’s establish right away that if your stepparent is cruel or abusive toward you or others, or engages in inappropriate or illegal activities, that is NOT a relationship you are responsible for solving. You need to tell another healthy adult in your life immediately, report your stepparent to the authorities if necessary, and seek counseling for your family so healing can start taking place.

If, however, the source of your hatred for them is something smaller like curfews and food tastes and holiday traditions, there’s a huge chance that you can actually channel the hate into building a more functional, if not loving, relationship with them.

When Do You Fight with Your Stepparent?

Do you have fights or disagreements with your stepparent? Are there moments when your hatred for them flares up more strongly than others? Here are some examples of specific moments that might trigger your distaste for them:

• They tell you that it’s time for bed.
• They tell you that you can’t go out with your friends. 
• They punish you (ground you or take away your phone).
• They ask you to do chores or babysitting.
• They go on dates with their partner/your biological parent.
• They have a new kid with your biological parent.
• Their cooking is different than what you’re used to eating.
• They buy you a gift that proves they still don’t know you.
• They don’t respect longstanding family traditions.
• They don’t make you feel welcome in their home.
• Your biological parent tells them everything.
• Your biological parent seems happier around them.
• Your biological parent doesn’t have time for things you used to do together.
• Your other biological parent badmouths the stepparent.
• Your other biological parent won’t speak to the stepparent.
• Your other biological parent refuses to be in the room with your stepparent.

This list could go on and on, but it’s important for you to figure out exactly when you feel the hate most. When could tell you who your problem is actually with as well as where it’s coming from.

Why Are You Resisting a Relationship With Your Stepparent?

Once you know when you’re feeling the hate, you can ask yourself why? There may be multiple reasons that you are responding to your stepparent in this way. The Stepkid/Stepparent relationship is so fraught that there is a ton of research out there on what makes that relationship healthy or not. PsychologyToday says a few of the big reasons you might be resisting a relationship with your stepparent or feeling disconnected from them are loyalty, possessiveness, jealousy, and how healthy the relationship is between your biological parents.

Maybe your source is loyalty. Do you hate everything your stepmom does because you miss your mom, and you’re too loyal to her memory to let yourself betray her by loving your stepmom? Is your dad a perfectly wonderful guy, and you’re way too loyal to him to have any love leftover for this stepdad your mom remarried? Do you cherish really beautiful memories from when your biological parents were still together, and you’re too loyal to that family to embrace this new one?

Maybe your source is possessiveness and jealousy. Maybe you and your biological parent spent a lot of time together before they remarried, and you’re feeling forgotten or left out now that the stepparent is always tagging along. Maybe you’re angry that your parent could possibly care so much about this person they’ve just married when they’ve known you since birth. Maybe you feel replaced because your parent had more kids with your stepparent, and you don’t feel special anymore. Maybe you miss the days when your parent was single because you’re tired of “sharing” their attention with someone new.

Maybe your source is that there’s still a bad relationship between your biological parents. If your parents broke up, it’s their responsibility to build a healthy relationship as exes for the sake of their kids, not yours. If, however, they’ve allowed things to remain tense and volatile between them, you may be mirroring the feelings they’re experiencing when you resist relationship with the new stepparent. Maybe your bio mom talks about how much she hates your stepmom, so you do too. Maybe your bio dad says your new stepdad is a loser, so you agree. 

Maybe your source of resistance is a mixture of all these reasons! Families are complicated and unique. Spend a little time reflecting on the source of your hatred for this person. You have to understand the problem in order to find a solution.

How Can You Start Moving In a More Positive Direction

In her studies on the feeling of belonging, Brene Brown says “people are hard to hate close up.” So the first thing you might want to try if you hate your stepparent is… talking to them. Ask them to sit down with you over coffee or lunch, and calmly explain to them how you’re feeling. Take them through the whole what, when, and why process to help them understand where it’s coming from. You may be surprised to learn that your stepparent is totally willing to work with you on this. As much as you might not want to admit it, your stepparent probably already knows you “hate” them and wants a healthier relationship with you.

If you think your problem might actually be with one of your biological parents, you need to talk to them too. Sit your dad down and tell him that you miss him, and it hurts your feelings when he spends all his time with his new partner on the weekends. Be honest with your mom that it makes you feel caught in the middle and guilty when she badmouths the new stepmom, when you really need her to help you form a healthy bond instead.

You are NOT a bad person for feeling this hate in the first place. Your feelings are there for a reason, and you should listen to them. But dwelling and stewing in hate can mess you up in a lot of ways, and you deserve healthy relationships with the people playing these major roles in your life. You deserve to have love and joy in your family life, and believe it or not, your stepparent does too. So the last thing you need to do is try. With compassion, admit that your stepparent hasn’t technically done anything wrong. See what it might feel like to cut your stepparent a break for a day and let them be human. Relationships are a two-way street, though, and your stepparent will need some practice with this too. There will be good days and bad days, but hopefully, with communication and respect, you can build a sense of family together.

If you’re still feeling overwhelmed with negative feelings about your family, you’re not alone. Check out this resource to help you gain greater understanding about God’s love for you (AND your stepparent) and His ability to care for your family… and as always HopeCoaches are available 7 days a week if you need to chat about your struggles.

Tough relationships and people talking about "letting go" or telling you to forgive is hard. Read Dawson's blog to find out how God can help you with forgiveness. 

 

My Story of Depression

Depressed at a Young Age

I have felt depressed most of my life, since a very young age. I grew up in an incomplete family. I don't remember my parents ever having a good relationship. I feel they did not do a good job as parents. My whole family consists of atheists. Nobody really thought or talked about the meaning of life or our purpose. My parents ended up divorced when I was 13 years old.

So now with my parents divorced and no meaning in my life, I spent most of my days and nights playing computer games and watching movies and sci-fi shows. These helped me escape from my reality, and my mom was OK with that.  My mom was addicted to cigarettes and my father was an alcoholic. Thank God my mom finally quit smoking after she was hospitalized.

Alcohol and Marijuana to Escape

As soon as I entered secondary school, I tried alcohol and marijuana. This hurt me a lot, but I didn't realize it at the time. It was just another way to escape. Then when I was 18, my best friend from school took his own life. It was the worst time of my life. I could not live anymore. I became more depressed and lethargic.

Sometime after this, I got to know a girl. We met at a New Year's Eve celebration. She became my first serious girlfriend.  We were both high on marijuana a lot of the time. Looking back, it was all really messed up, but at least I felt a little bit of love. But that love was not real either as I found out later. We were together for 2 months, and I realized she had a lot of boys in her life. We broke up, because I did not want to sleep with her, and she wanted sex. That was the way she felt loved. Her life was really messed up too. She also had divorced parents and did not know real love. I hope she is well as I write this. Please pray for her.

Heartbroken - Wanted to Die 

When we broke up, I thought, "I want to die." I had serious depression. I told my mom about my problems, and I started visiting a psychiatrist.  During this time, I also found TheHopeLine and read some stories and articles on the website which were an inspiration to me as I was dealing with depression and the break-up. It took about 8 months to heal my broken heart.

After that, I made the decision to start building a life for myself. It was unreal. It was a miracle. I started out by going to the gym with my friends. I really wanted to work at making my life good. I wanted to be happy and stable and have meaning in my life. I met a new friend, who helped me a bit with my heartbreak. I was slowly quitting marijuana. Things were looking up.

Found True Love and Jesus

Then a couple of years ago, I reconnected with a girl from my primary school that I fell in love with way back then. Our relationship never really went anywhere because her parents thought we were too young. We did not keep in touch after primary school, but now we had met again! We started talking to each other, and eventually I told her that I still loved her after all of those years, and I found out she still loved me! It was an amazing feeling. It still is today! She is a strong Christian, and she introduced me to the love of Jesus! Now my life has meaning!

I hope my story will be inspiring or motivating for someone who feels that everything is messed up in their life.  God had a plan for me that was better than I could have ever imagined.
-Marek

Do You Need Help for Depression? 

• Find out how blogger Jessica Seale found strength and hope in the bible for depression and suicidal thoughts: Why I Live: Depression, Suicide and the Bible 
• Contact our partner, Focus on the Family, for a free counseling consultation and referral service.
• Free eBook from TheHopeLine: Understanding Depression 

For free, confidential support chat with a HopeCoach today!

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. For a list of crisis centers around the world and additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Setting Boundaries, Being Used and Compromising Moral Standards

Dating can be tricky. If you add sex into the mix, things get even more complicated.  Our readers asked some important questions that you might be asking as well.  Today I address these questions openly, honestly and directly.

What if the person I’m dating will leave me if I’m waiting to have sex?

When most people enter into a relationship, they lose sight of themselves emotionally. They don’t know where they end, and the other person begins. And then, without even thinking, they become willing to do whatever the other person wants, regardless of the consequences, simply to keep the other person close to them. This is the situation Madison is in, as shown with her question.

Madison asked: I made a promise to God, my mom and my family that I wouldn’t have sex with a guy until I get married. My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to have sex, and he thinks the reason I don’t want to do things with him is that I don’t like him, which is so far from the truth. How do I tell him the real reason I don’t want to have sex, without having him leave me?

It sounds like this would be a great opportunity to be very honest with yourself and your boyfriend. Telling him the truth will give him the opportunity to know more about the level of commitment you have to yourself and to your relationship with God.

If he loves you, he’ll respect you.

Once he understands, he will have the chance to decide whether he will honor your wishes or not. If he says he loves you but is not willing to respect your boundaries and deep-held moral beliefs, I will say he doesn’t really love you. Better to find that out now rather than later. You deserve to find someone who loves you enough to respect your boundaries.

When you tell him why you believe what you do, you will give him a chance to see how beneficial committing to those boundaries could be to your relationship.

Sex can cloud the relationship

Additionally, being physical with a bf/gf has the potential to cloud a relationship, turning it into something that seems to only be driven by sexual desire or what you can get from the other person.

If you don’t add sex into the mix while you are dating, you’re better able to get to know someone, and to clearly know whether you’d want to spend the rest of your life with this person. If you have this standard, you will end up marrying someone you truly know and who you know respects you. Nothing could be more important.

I applaud you, Madison, for desiring to live so radically, and so different compared to how most of the rest of the world lives. Stick by your beliefs and create those boundaries.

Is it really love or am I being used?

It can be challenging to know someone’s true feelings, especially at the beginning of a relationship. And if you’ve been hurt in the past, it can be hard to trust. So how can you tell…love or lust?

Chelsea asked: “How can I tell if a guy is really falling in love with me or if he is just using me? After my last relationship, I’ve had serious trust issues and I can’t seem to tell if my boyfriend of two months is actually falling for me, or if he is just telling me what I want to hear.”

I can imagine many people wonder this same thing: How do I know this other person is actually in love with me or if they’re just playing with my emotions to get what they want?

8 Signs of a loving relationship.

I cannot tell you whether or not your new boyfriend is falling in love with you or not, but I can tell you whether you have a loving relationship. Loving relationships are not destructive, manipulative, or selfish. Rather loving relationships are respectful, patient and build the other person up.
Here are some questions worth asking about your new boyfriend:

• Do you feel like your emotions are being played with?
• Does he say one thing and do another?
• Does he say he loves you, and then doesn’t act like it? (Many people will rush into saying I love you before they even know the other person. People do this because they want to hear that they are loved themselves.)
• Does he want to spend meaningful time with you?
• Does he treat you with respect?
• Does he speak well of you to other people?
• Does he give you freedom or try to control you?
• Does he respect and want to protect your body? (A heavy sexual relationship seldom lasts. It cannot bear the pressure of intimacy without love and commitment.)

One way to find out exactly what he’s thinking is to not only listen to what he says but watch what he does.

Is it O.K. for my boyfriend to make comments about other girls?

When you are dating and your partner makes sexual comments towards other people, you don’t need to just laugh it off. In fact, it’s a red flag worth talking about. This was my advice to Elizabeth.

Elizabeth asked: When we first got together, my boyfriend told me he would never make comments about how attractive other women are, as he felt that was disrespectful. However, over the past year he constantly makes remarks such as, I’d do her’ or She’s hot.’ Why does he do it? And what can I do to get him to stop?

Your boyfriend was right about how disrespectful it is to make comments about other women, especially around you. It’s one thing to innocently comment about how attractive another person is, but it’s completely inappropriate to say things he’d like to do sexually with another person. It’s the height of disrespect. Your boyfriend is immature, at best. And a player, at worst.

It’s a respect issue.

Imagine if you were enjoying a great dinner with your boyfriend and you couldn’t help but stare at another guy eating at the table next to you, and then you said, I sure wish I was eating dinner at that table instead of with you! That’s basically what he’s saying to you.

This is a trust and respect issue. You are not over-reacting. You have every right to be very clear with him about how serious this issue is. Then give him a chance to work on it.

If he shows he’s sorry and wants to do better, then you should be patient with him. If he doesn’t seem interested in changing, he’s demonstrating your relationship isn’t all that important to him, and it is probably time for you to move on.

Jumping In While Questioning Moral Standards

Do you ever wonder if you are making a big deal about something that everyone else seems to think is insignificant? It’s O.K. to take a stand.

Jody asked: “There is a guy who is very interested in dating me at the college I go to. We are both Christians and he talks about great goals for ministry and talks about his beliefs in God, but I am concerned by some of his choices. For example, some of his favorite movies are very, very sexually explicit. Is this one thing enough grounds to not date this guy? I do not want our relationship to move too fast, if he has a skewed view of intimacy based on the movies he watches.”
That is an excellent question. It speaks to your own maturity and spirituality.

There are two things to address here:

1. You don’t want any relationship to move too fast. A relationship that moves too fast usually crashes and burns.

2. I applaud your desire to be concerned about what a potential boyfriend allows to influence him.

Pay attention to the influences in a potential partner's life.

There is no question entertainment, and culture in general, affect a person’s view of women and intimacy. I would take your discovery of sexually explicit movies very seriously. We all are deeply influenced by what we allow ourselves to see and it’s a slippery slope. He could be addicted to porn.

I would confront this guy straight up about his lifestyle. If he refuses to change, I see a huge red flag. Possibly before you know it, your relationship will all be about sex.

Many dating relationships lead to marriage, and I have a simple rule about marriage: Never marry an addict, because he already loves his addiction more than you, and you can’t have three in a relationship.

Having standards is a good thing.

It’s good for you to have standards and guidelines for the person you date. So many people get hurt. Some people are scarred for life because they end up dating just anybody. If you decide to start dating this guy and he’s not able to hold up his end of the deal and respect your wishes, then you’ll have your answer. But you’ll never know unless you first communicate your hopes and concerns with him.