Archives for March 2015

6 Steps to Change Your Life

Guest Blog: Susan Gillpatrick, MEd, LPC, CTS with Centerstone

How to Change Your Life: The Courage, the Risks, and the Rewards

Life can be difficult and uncertain, especially when faced with the prospect of change. Although change is often the key that will positively alter the path of our lives, we shy away from it for fear of leaving behind our comfort zones and entering into the unknown. This fear robs us of our freedom to make the life choices that can bridge the gap between where we are and where we want to be.

It may take courage to move from the known to the unknown, but the price of growth is a sacrifice of certainty.

Six Steps to Making Any Needed Change in Your Life:

Be Honest

Identify excuses
You may be unhappy in a number of areas of your life but complaining about it does not change affect change. Are you just skillfully playing the victim role? If you have chosen to stay stuck due to fear, then the change you need is not going to appear on its own. Be honest with yourself. Identify the excuses and rationale that have been keeping you in your life as is.
Take responsibility
Only you can change you. Motivation must come from within. Take responsibility and closely look at what part of your life has kept you imprisoned from your own potential. Don’t blame your own refusal to make changes based on external things. When you do this you give overall responsibility to things you cannot control. For example, I would have realized more of my potential, but no one was ever interested in mentoring me.

Accept Risks

Understand everything is risky
Change is a fact of life and participating in change means stepping into the unknown. It means taking a risk. Wouldn’t life be boring if we always knew outcomes before actions? The riskiest step is always the first. But with every step in the right direction, your courage muscles get stronger.
Realize risk leads to growth
Growth always involves risk, and risk always involves fear. Unfortunately, some people wait for an ironclad guarantee that everything will work out exactly right until all risk is removed and they stagnate where they are. Don’t wait on the sidelines while the world passes you by.

Focus Priorities

Value your needs
Many busy women (and men) spend all their time, effort and energy meeting the needs of other people. Remember to place value on your own needs too. Without a focused priority, you may become molded by your environment, and that will foster a stagnate life.
Value your time
Do not play the when-then game. Don’t tell yourself, When the children are grown, I’ll take some time for myself. Or, When I feel like I can make a difference, I will look for a new job. Sometimes we wait our whole lives for a when that never comes. Value time and do not assume you have until forever to take a risk and make a change that can excel your life in new directions.

Renew

Evolve rather than age
Worrying about growing older is a waste of time. Celebrate the knowledge that aging brings insight and personal growth that is only intensified through life experience. Instead of aging, evolve. Evolving changes your focus from fearing a loss to celebrating an accomplishment. What you have learned throughout your life can enlighten current and future generations. Having an evolving attitude inspires authority to renew yourself and make whatever changes will lead you to that renewal.
Connect rather than wait
Connect with others and connect to a larger perspective. Aging can bring worries about health and fears of loneliness and isolation. Connection brings strength when we feel we are weak. Positive relationships encourage and bring courage to make new and better decisions throughout any life transition.

You Can Be Twenty-Five Percent Happier

Face Your Fears

Act before crisis
At its simplest and most benign, fear is an internal warning cry that danger is nearby and we had better do something about it. Many times it takes a warning cry like a marriage failure or a worrisome medical diagnosis to realize we need to make changes. Do not wait for a crisis to occur to have an awakening about the quality and value of your life. Begin making changes now, and you will be more prepared once any crisis has occurred.
Do not let comfort control
Move past the comfort of fears. Fears are familiar and therefore mislead us into thinking they are just a part of who you are. We ruminate over them, fearing they will control us and causing us to live our lives in a state of self-preservation. While life cannot be a 24-hour thrill ride, you deserve more than just contentment. Expand your comfort zone and allow yourself the opportunity for awareness and inspiration.

Imagine

Imagine the worst
What, specifically are you fearful about? Name it. Say it out loud. Then ask yourself, What is the worst thing that could happen if I take this risk? Even if you run smack into a wall on your way to making a life change, then at least you will have gained some insight and knowledge. You may even find this knowledge gives you the courage to tackle more risks. No matter what the scenario, you will have gained the power and influence to decide your own response.
Imagine the best
Imagine how your life will be different and better once you initiate change in your life. Anticipate the joy, the excitement, and the empowerment that comes from being a leader in your own life. Begin with small steps, but take action. There are no microwave miracles in successful life changes. It may take some time to see results. The only instant change is in attitude. You’ll finally be in charge of the direction and outcome of your life. Imagine the best, then live it!

Make a positive change in your life starting today.

Here is something you can do right now. Start unveiling lies from truth. What can you say to yourself that is positive and uplifting and true?

Dear Self…you are worthy of happiness, you are beautiful and awesome, you are a light to those around you.

Watch this video from UNVEILED, called Note to Self:

Life can be really, stinkin’ hard sometimes. That’s why Dawson wrote the blog, “How Can I Find Hope?” It’s a quick read and it may just change your life.

Susan Gillpatrick is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Trauma Specialist, Certified Workplace Conflict Mediator, and Mental Health Service Provider in the state of Tennessee and a National Certified Counselor. She is Centerstone‘s Crisis Management Specialist, she primarily works in the field with clients in critical incident response situations, and in Centerstone’s wellness trainings and presentations.

Photo Credit: Eye for Ebony

Starting Over From Nothing

Starting Over After The Fire

It was two weeks ago today I was at work and working in the same building I lived in when a fire started right where I was. I used two extinguishers to attempt to put it out, but it had raced up the walls and across the attic in seconds. I called my coworkers over to help me evacuate the building, which housed 24 large apartments. We went to each apartment and did a search and got all human life evacuated, and as many pets as we could find.

Unfortunately, three dogs and six cats died and the building was a complete loss in 30 minutes. The entire three story building collapsed to the ground and every tenant, including myself, lost every thing they had except the clothes on their backs. I blamed myself for everyone losing everything they had and for the death of those nine pets. I did everything I could to extinguish the fire, but was unsuccessful.

Two nights after the fire, the girl I was deeply in love with decided she was leaving to go deal with her personal problems and finish her divorce, and moved 14 hours away. She decided that she did not want to talk to me at all anymore and she said she was no good for me and will only continue to hurt me, so just like that, she was gone with no goodbye.

The past two weeks have proven to be the hardest of my life, and I have been through a lot in my 28 years, more then most have been through. After listening to the radio show a few Sunday nights prior to the fire and girl leaving, I decided this was a good place to start. I tried the online chat today and the coach was more help then anyone before, and made me realize a lot about life and God and I could not be more thankful.

Please, no matter what you are struggling with, whether it be minor or major, utilize TheHopeLine® as it will be the best place you will get help from, my promise to you.

I have been through counseling many times before, TheHopeLine® by far, truly was my best experience.
-Michael

If you have the capacity to love, then you have the capacity to be hurt. For insight on how to get over a broken heart, download TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

What Does God Say About Who We Are

The Battle of Beach Towels and Droplets

By: Jenna (volunteer and blogger for LIVEmpowered)

From the time we are born to the moment we die, the world we encounter is trying to coat our identity with their opinions. Daily, we are told something about ourselves. It may be a friend saying positive, encouraging words, a coworker belittling our ideas or personality-identity crisis or a random person saying something mean in a parking lot. When something is said to you as truth by another person, do you question it? Do you take a look at yourself and wonder if it’s true? Do you ask a friend? A family member? Or do you pray about it? Have you looked it up in the Bible?

If you’re anything like me, the answer is you probably check with God less than you do all the other options. Perhaps you didn’t even realize how much your identity is under the influence of the world around you. Are we letting lies latch onto your identity?

Think about your identity as a dry beach towel. Every day you lay on the sand and someone walks by with an eye-dropper and drops the tiniest bit of water on your towel. The mean girl at school you can’t quite stand up to: one drop. Your boss who harasses you: one drop. The girl on Instagram you think you should look like: one drop. Your friend that makes hurtful jokes: one drop. Your dad who called you fat: two drops. You cutting yourself: three drops. The person that abused you: four drops. The boy you slept with that left you: four drops.

Before you know it, your beach towel is soaking wet; it’s heavy and the color is distorted. It doesn’t look like yours and it’s uncomfortable to lay on. The reality is we let people dump lies on our identity daily – sometimes it’s something about the core of who we are, sometimes just some aspect of us – but lies all the same. We don’t notice the damp beach towel underneath us until it’s sopping wet.

So how do we keep our towel dry? We need to find our identity in the right place – who is the One who knows us best? What does God say about who we are?

We are NEW CREATIONS (2 Cor 5:17). You are not who you used to be. His mercies are new daily (Lam 3:22-23). Don’t let anyone tell you your past defines you.
We are ARTWORK. For we are His workmanship… (Eph 2:10a) The greek word for workmanship is poiÃ„ma. This word means work’ or of the works of God as Creator’. WE are HIS work; A masterful creation by a masterful Creator.
We are FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE (Ps 139:14). The word fearfully here means to inspire fear or awe and to be revered, honored, and respected. Treat yourself and others with honor and respect – that’s how God see us!
Our bodies are TEMPLES (1 Cor 6:19). Would you stand by and watch while people trashed the church building you meet in? Unlikely. If our bodies are are temples, then we shouldn’t let ourselves or anyone mistreat our bodies, take advantage of them or disrespect any part of us.
We are BELOVED and CHILDREN OF GOD (1 Jn 3:1-2). God is the perfect parent loving and caring for His children. You are not alone and you are loved.
We are FREE FROM CONDEMNATION (Rom 8:1-2) through Christ – we needn’t live in guilt and shame we can stand with our heads held high knowing we are loved as we are.

And there are so many more promises in the Bible to stand on. Every time the world tries to attack your identity, recognize it, deflect it with the scripture you know, and thank God for a chance to practice your faith and for the reminder that you are the child to the King.

LIVEmpowered’s goal is for you to know that you are LOVED, VALUED, and EMPOWERED to make choices that lead to a life of joy and purpose.

How To Give Good Advice

HOW TO GIVE GOOD ADVICE

I am always encouraged by the number of people who reach out to me asking how they can help their friends. I often direct them to my blog because they can find advice to pass along on many different subjects.

However, I realize that even people with the best intentions don’t always know how to offer advice in a way that is effective…in a way that others will actually listen and accept. Have you ever tried to give someone advice, but they tuned you out or got really mad at you? I have written this blog to provide some important tips for how to give good advice that is effective. This is a crucial place to start because unless someone is going to actually listen to what you have to say, your advice will not be effective.

4 Steps to Giving EFFECTIVE Advice

LISTEN. This is SO important. Unless a person feels heard and understood, they will never trust the advice you are giving. You must take time to gain an understanding of where they are coming from. Ask them questions to show you really desire to understand. Then state back to them what you’ve heard them say by summarizing, “So what I hear you saying is..Is that right?” This way you are both sure you are on the same page and they know you understand them.
ENCOURAGE. This is another important step that cannot be hurried over. Before diving into any advice, encourage them in some way. Tell them that you believe in them, or encourage them that there is help available. Unless you start with encouragement, they may be stuck in such a negative place that they have no hope of things ever changing. And then, when you offer them advice they might not believe they are capable of acting on any of it. However, offering encouragement opens the door to HOPE and prepares them to be ready to hear what you have to say. So find SOMETHING to encourage them with. You can focus on a past success or the potential they have. Or here are some other examples…”It was an important first step to admit what your struggle was.” “You sound like you are really ready to make some good choices.” “You are not alone.” “There are people who can help you and I’m here for you too.”
ADVISE. The best way to give advice is through getting their involvement in deciding what they should do and influencing their thinking in a positive way.Involvement – In order to have people buy into any advice you are giving, they need to be involved in the discussion and the decision. If you can get them to arrive at the decision of what to do next on their own…so that it is their idea, they will be much more committed to the decision and more likely to follow through. In all my years of talking with people, I have found that much of the time they know the right thing to do, they just need someone to confirm it for them. Here are some ways to involve them:
- Ask them what they’ve already done to try to better their situation and why it may or may not have helped.
- Ask them what else they think might be helpful.
- Offer a suggestion of your own and ask them what they think about that idea.
Influencing – As they come up with ideas you can influence them toward or away from what they are thinking based on whether or not it is a good decision through asking more questions. Questions like this are often helpful in influencing their decision:
- What do you think would happen if you did this?
- How do you think you would feel afterwards?
- Why do you think that is a good idea?
PRAY for them and with them. I believe that with God’s power anything is possible. Any situation can be solved, any addiction broken, any heart mended, any wrong made right. Maybe not immediately and maybe not how we thought, but God tells us to bring our requests to Him. So PRAY and let them hear you pray! Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

5 Things to AVOID When Giving Advice

Being Judgmental – Nobody will ever confide in you if they feel that you are going to judge them. You don’t know what they have experienced. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
Preaching – Do not just talk atsomeone. Involve them in the discussion through lots of questions and listening.
Offering a solution too quickly – It is important to really listen and gain a full understanding of all that they are struggling with, what their perspective is, and what they’ve already done to try to fix the situation. By saying, “Just do this and it will all be better,” you minimize a problem they may have been struggling with for a long time.
Gossiping – If they are afraid you won’t keep their confidence, they will not tell you anything.
Thinking you are going to fixthem or their situation – It is not up to you to fix anything. You just need to be a safe place where they can talk, receive support, and hear a new perspective on their situation.

It is also important to be able to recognize common thinking errors and know how to challenge them as the advice giver.

5 COMMON THINKING ERRORS

Over Generalization – Example: NOBODY likes me.
Challenge: Look for exceptions to the rule. “Well, John likes you.”
Jumping to Conclusions – Example: He crossed the road to avoid me.
Challenge: Reality checking – “How do you know he crossed the road to avoid you? What other explanations could there be?”
Catastrophizing – Example: The meal was a complete disaster. They will NEVER talk to me again.
Challenge – “How likely is it that your all your friends will turn against you if your cooking is not perfect?”
All or Nothing – Example: The things I do are successful or a failure; perfect or disastrous; right or wrong.
Challenge – Put a third option in between the two extremes – Successful, Good but needs a few improvements, failure.
Turning a Positive into a Negative – Example: She would not be so kind to me if she knew what I was really like.
Challenge – Point out the positive then challenge the evidence used to make it a negative – “Maybe she does not know you completely, but she really likes what you did.”

(Adapted from: http://www.psychodelights.com/pdfs/thoughtchallenge.pdf)

I hope these tips will help as you reach out to make a difference in the lives of those around you!

Our ebooks can help you learn more on specific topics and issues your friend may be experiencing. For example, check out this ebook on Self-Worth and Self-Hate.

What to Do if You or a Friend is Self-Harming

This guest post on self-harm is written by Jes Balascio of My Broken Palace for Project Inspired

Perhaps you or a friend is self-harming or cutting. We understand how hard it can be to confront a problem like this. It’s like hiding a monster in your closet where you’re afraid to let it out, but in a weird way, you like having him there.

Kimberly Navarro, licensed therapist (LMFT), provides these insights about cutting:

It can feel good to have a release from all you’re holding in. Cutting can create a space for you to free the pain, frustration and fears without anyone knowing what is going on inside. Self-harm can momentarily quiet the really deep pain, too. Cutting can be a way to deal with whatever life throws at you. The thing is, there are some good and some harmful ways to deal, and cutting is a harmful one: It is destructive to your body, leads to shame and can even become an addiction. There are chemicals that get released when our bodies get hurt, and they have a calming effect. This can create a high’ when cutting, and so the chase begins: pursuing that feeling even though it never is quite as good as the first experience. There are times when you won’t have the words for your feelings/pain, but cutting is never the answer. You must find other ways that are not destructive.

Here are a few signs you might notice that one of your friends or family members is struggling with self-harm:

One of the most obvious signs is wearing a hoodie or long-sleeve shirt all the time, even when it’s scorching hot outside.
Another sign can be wearing lots of wristbands.
Cutting also goes hand in hand with emotional problems in general. So just notice their obvious mood changes, ask how they are doing and have real discussionsdon’t just keep it shallow.

It’s important to know:

Deep inside, many self-harmers want to be discovered. They often cut in obvious places hoping to get noticed. But they are torn because they are afraid of being shamed or potentially getting sent to a psych ward.
Most have friends who know but are sworn to secrecy, or have friends who struggle, too. The people who self-harm in complete secrecy and who cut in hidden places that would never have a chance for discovery typically are in more serious emotional distress.
As a friend, it’s important to follow your gut. If you think someone is in trouble, and they won’t talk to you about it, then they probably are; if they’re not ‘being themselves,’ then they may need help.

We strongly believe that one cannot be free of the harmful effects of society without accountability and a strong reliance on God. You or your friend won’t be cured of cutting until you address what’s hurting inside, and that will likely require the help of a professional who has a relationship with Jesus Christ and experience with people in similar situations to yours. You or your friend will need interventions before you’re free of this demon, be that from MyBrokenPalace.com, a local crisis center, a trusted therapist or a counselor. Whatever your choice, please do something now!

For additional help if you are struggling with self-harm, check out TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

Help, My Friend Is Cutting

Help, my friend is cutting.

I have written many blogs on the subject of cutting. We’ve discussed what it is, why people do it, the consequences, and some possible solutions to the problem. But, today, I want to talk specifically to the friends of cutters.

This can be a hard subject to talk about and it can be a very sensitive subject to the cutter so it is important to keep the following things in mind when trying to help.

Someone recently wrote to me and asked: My friend is cutting. How can I get it into my best friend’s head that cutting is not good at all?

She’s right cutting is not good at all, and I appreciate her desire to help her friend. However, there isn’t a simple answer to this question. We can’t just throw out facts and figures and think a cutter is going to be instantly convinced to stop. As I wrote about in Why People Cut, cutters are usually covering up a deeper emotional pain.

Therefore, when talking to a friend about cutting here are some very important things to remember.

Do NOT come across as judgmental. You may not be aware of the personal struggle they are facing which has led to self-harm.
REALLY listen and seek to understand. Often someone who cuts feels like no one understands them. Do NOT be one more person that saysWhy would you do this to yourself? It doesn’t make any sense.Rather, ask some probing questions with a genuine desire to understand. Such as: Why do you think you cut yourself? Do you cut to cover up other pain? How do you feel after you cut? How do you feel the next day? Help them tell them tell their story…if they’re ready. You don’t need to have all the answers. Just listen!
Encourage your friend that you BELIEVE in them. Tell them you know they will have the strength to stop when they decide to and that you will support them however you can. Offer to be their accountability partner, if they want. You can be the person they call to distract themselves from cutting when the temptation arises.
Refer them to other resources on the subject of self-harm and read more about it yourself. We have created a link with many helpful resources available all in one convenient place. You could simply text or email your friend this link and say…”When you are ready…” or share it through social media (the buttons are provided on the resource page). You never know when sharing information could impact a life. TheHopeLine Resource Page
Most importantly PRAY for them. God is bigger than cutting!! He can help them overcome the addiction. Pray that God gives them the strength and desire they need to stop cutting and find HOPE.

Thanks for caring. You CAN make a difference in someone’s life.

For more information on how to help a friend struggling with self-harm, check out TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

A Door of Hope for Cutters

Door of Hope Can Help You

Self-injury, also known as cutting is a deliberate injuring of the body which is usually done in secret and NOT for attention. It is often a cry for help. However, self-injury is a temporary fix to a deep rooted problem. Cutting brings release when dealing with overwhelming emotions. A destructive cycle of cutting yourself, followed by guilt and shame, becomes a cycle of addiction. Door of Hope offers a phone line and real help.

You are not what your scars reveal, you are worth much more!

A common reason for self-injury is to get relief from overwhelming emotions. Cutting is like a “silent scream” often trying to release feelings you cannot express with words. Emptiness, low self-esteem, fear, depression and anger are emotions you might be able to identify with. Research indicates a connection of self-injurious behavior with a history of trauma or abuse. This may include but not limited to sexual, physical, verbal abuse.

How can I get help?

Door of Hope is a safe place when you can begin your journey towards freedom. You are not alone in your struggle. They help people all over the world. Recovery is a process and they can help you discover the person that you were meant to become. You can begin to move past your scars and start living a “new life.”

Their trained crisis care advocates will listen to your story and not judge you. They offer encouragement, resources and prayer as they help you learn new coping skills that are a healthy release and point you in the direction on the path that God has intended.

The team at Door of Hope believes that faith in God can begin to repair the damaged areas in your life. He will give you the strength to recover. Never lose hope…

Its ok…you don’t have to be religious to contact them. God is not mad at you! He wants you to be free from your emotional pain and know that you are not what your scars represent.

If you’re reading this, deep down you do want to stop cutting. Take a step towards your recovery and contact Door of Hope today. If you are 13 or over then contact them, they would love to chat with you. All conversations are kept confidential.

5 Things to Know About Door of Hope (Help for Self-Harm)

You can be set free…contact them today to get help. TEXT, CALL, OR EMAIL.

TEXT or CALL:

914 393.1904 or 803.570.2061
Sunday, Tuesday & Thursday 8:30 – 10 PM (est)

EMAIL: doorofhope4teens@gmail.com

Debra Cornacchia, founder of Door of Hope 4 Teens shares from her heart:

“My message to teens and young adults is that secrets grow in the dark. The light of Christ will bring truth and healing for your present and future. As a teen I struggled with depression, low self-esteem and self-injury. I had feelings of shame, guilt and anger and cutting provided a “quick fix” and became my best friend. I fell into a trap of the secret addiction of self-injury and believing in dark lies about myself and my future. Recovery is a process of change. I can celebrate that I have overcome self-injury and live a life of complete restoration. Now my life’s work is to encourage and guide youth in their recovery. Lets us help you realize that God will open the doors of hope and you can walk in the grace and freedom of self-harm. What he has done for me, he can do for you!”

“For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans of good and not of evil, plans to give you HOPE and a future.” –Jeremiah 29:11

You can also download TheHopeLine’s free eBook, Understanding Self-Harm and Cutting.

Change the Pattern of Negative Self-Talk

Are you your biggest fan or biggest critic?

Words can make you smile, laugh, cry, and scream. Words have changed lives and will continue to do so forever. Words can build up and tear down relationships.

Words have power.

So what about the words in our minds: our thoughts. They have a lot of power too. Words come from our thoughts which come from our hearts. Our thoughts affect our whole lives. How are your thoughts affecting your life? Are you your biggest fan or your biggest critic? What are the things that go through your mind on a daily basis about yourself? How positive are the thoughts you have about yourself?

Here’s a crazy truth for you: not all of your thoughts are true.

If you were to think I am the president of the United States, doesn’t mean it is true. Just the same, thinking that you are unworthy of being loved does not mean that you actually are unworthy of love. For most of us, the negative self-talk continually creeping through our brains is a lie. Sometimes lies come into our thoughts and take hold until we eventually forget reality. These messages can take root for so long. They can affect our self-esteem and the way we live our lives. It may be the words of others spoken over us, messages from the society around us, or even ourselves.

One example is a sentence that was said to me in a past relationship. I wish you were taller and tanner and had bigger boobs. One, that is not a nice thing to say to anyone ever. Two, these are all qualities about me that I cannot change. This translated into my brain as I’m not good enough or attractive enough and I never will be. I know this is a crazy jump but I don’t think I’m the only one who has made those leaps. I embraced it as truth and it affected the way that I saw myself. It was a throw-away sentence on their behalf but it shook my confidence in the relationship and other areas of my life. With this I’m not good enough idea floating through my head, it was easy to see the things that validated that thought and to disregard all the good things about myself.

So how do we change the patterns of negative thinking?

I have been learning to sift through my thoughts and really evaluate where they are all coming from. One of the most freeing things I have done is to break off the lies that have taken hold and replace them with the truth about who I am. When I think about where some of these ideas in my head have come from, it seems crazy that I ever let them come into my brain at all. There are a lot of really awesome things about me! There are also a lot of really great people that love and support me. These are the things I want to focus on instead of the things that have been said by the people who have hurt me.

My hope for you is that you can distinguish truth from the lies.

If there are any lies that you have turned into truth, I hope you will dig deep and cut them out. It might hurt a little to talk about them and deal with them but you will be able to move forward. Replace the lies and see the truth.

Here are some positive true words about you to help replace any lies you have believed:

Write them on your mirror, put them on sticky notes around your house, and build others up with them because the world needs some more encouragement.

Now go out and live your life with these running through your brain and I bet some things will start to change for the better.

Morning After Ministries’s goal is for you to know that you are LOVED, VALUED, and EMPOWERED to make choices that lead to a life of joy and purpose.

Archives for March 2015

6 Steps to Change Your Life

How to Change Your Life: The Courage, the Risks, and the Rewards