The End of a Dating Relationship
One of the most painful experiences in life is the ending of a meaningful relationship, especially where there has been a romance. People who call my radio show always tell me stories about really heart-breaking endings to their relationships. Wouldn't it be amazing if somebody were to say, "My bf/gf treated me so well when we were breaking up, I couldn't help but respect him/her!"
But unfortunately, the end of a dating relationship is often full of deception, dishonesty, and disrespect. But it doesn't have to be this way. When you are breaking up with someone, for whatever reason, the best approach is to treat the other person the same way you would want to be treated.
Still, one thing is for sure. No matter how hard you try to be kind, the fact that you want to break up is going to hurt the other person. This is not something to do over the phone, via text messaging, social media, or email. Consider the time and location. Be courageous and respectful and have your conversation in person and in private.
Before you do anything, make sure you really do want to break up. If you're just angry at your bf/gf, you may want to talk about why you're upset, rather than just ending the relationship. Sometimes it feels easier to run from the relationship, when in reality there may be a great lesson to learn from a challenging situation.
Be prepared for the other person to ask why you're breaking up with him/her. You might want to write down some of your thoughts beforehand. If you're breaking up because of difficulties you've had with the relationship in the past, it'll be easier if you've already talked through them, and given the other person an opportunity to respond.
15 Dos and Don'ts When Breaking Up
- Don't have a friend break up for you.
- Don't ignore your ex and expect that person to understand.
- Never text a good-bye.
- Don't announce it on social media.
- Don't make your reasons complicated.
- Be direct, but kind.
- Don't say something mean about the other person.
- Don't say, "Let's just be friends." (You may be friends again, but it takes time for the relationship to heal).
- Answer their questions as honestly and kindly as possible.
- Don't say, "It's not you, it's me."
- Understand that the other person is going to be very hurt, confused and possibly angry.
- Don't go blabbing to other people about the break-up. Save your experience for a few trusted friends.
- Don't break up unless you know for sure it's final. The breaking up and then getting back together again cycle breeds mistrust.
- Wait before you start dating someone else, especially if you see your former bf/gf often.
Consider Brittini's story: After the last relationship when I broke up with my boyfriend, the week later he was asking my friend if she would go out with him! That made me so mad that the next time I saw him I just wanted to hurt him and her.
- Don't try to talk your bf/gf out of their decision.
Grace's advice is valuable: My beau of just over 4 yrs. broke up with me last Valentine's Day in what he later called "a defensive, reactive" moment - completely unexpected by either of us. I tried to talk him out of it for over an hour to no avail. Ladies, please DON'T do this. If he's gonna break up with you, let him. If he's wrong, truly loves you, and is a real man, he will come back for you. Do not chase him. It only leads to a more shattered heart.
Breaking Up Is Hard...Be honest and sensitive.
Breaking up is hard. There's no getting around that. Just listen to Kate, who said: I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months last week. I know 6 months isn't that long, but I would drive 74 miles (one way) to see him, sometimes several times a week. He never came to see me. He also told me that he didn't love me, and he never would. Instead of breaking it off and trying to heal myself like a normal person, I would do just about anything to keep the relationship going. I can't live without him, and my heart is genuinely broken. I know God is the only one who can fill the hole in my heart.
If you use honesty, compassion, and sensitivity, you'll both be better off in the end. Treat him or her with the same respect you'd like someone to treat your future husband/wife.
The fact that you are reading this blog shows that you care enough to do this the right way and want to be as compassionate as possible. I commend you for that. When handling any sensitive situation, it is helpful to think about approaching the conversation with these words: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These words are called the Fruit of the Spirit in the Bible. They describe the essence of God, and that is always a good place to start.
If you're struggling to get through a difficult breakup, you might want to read my blog about Getting Over A Broken Heart for some additional thoughts.
I thought this is what I wanted, I believe it is whats best but with all the in betweens I do love him and it hurts. I wanted to end things many times but didnt still tried and now he says we are going on a break or break up we'll soon know. I was at a point I was needing emotional support from what was happening in my life and his comes first always. I know he talks about me to others bc I accidently heard him on the phone he thought hed hung up telling a loan officer lady at our bank how im not a good girlfriend bc I dont file his papers he wont let me touch or god forbid look at and I clean for a job but wont clean his house. I clean my house he is an adult why bc I clean I should clean his house?? He owns property I rent from him paid in full each month but he lets others get literally thousands behind and I had to sign my car into his name when I borrowed money from him when mine broke down... he just lent money to family no worries and let tenants make payments on money owed but me his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years is treated like im cheating him out of his money. I needed food in my home bc im also going to school and i asked him for 20$ for groceries and he refused out right no. He has several accts he does not worry about food money a home anything. I dont know why Id want to even be with him the way he treats me .. Ive never done him wrong his last gf did and thats all i hear you probably are behind my back that I dont deserve to hear I love you bc I dont say that to people I dont trust. It is miserable to go that long knowing someone cares that much for you but punishes you bc of jealousy and past experiences. Im in no way perfect i am my own worse enime at times but I did whatever he wanted and he didnt do things for me refused to tell me i looked nice becuz hed say i all ready knew i did what you need to hear it now i was going to get around to it but now you ruined it so there you go. Funny thing is all i wanted from him was his love and attention. To be the one in the room he couldnt take his eyes off of the one he let others know was his all that stupid little stuff .. See we knew each other a long time finally dated and he changed he stopped treating me like he did to get me . then everything about me was wrong tho nothing at all had changed . This last month has been a series of events finding out about the amount of money he let the tenant get away with and still agreed to stay n make payments with my dismay .. finding naked pictures on his phone he "forgot to delete" from last girl when trying to print some others out, messing around online and claiming it was bc he thought it was me and wanted to see how far itd go. Wow does that feel better jus saying that. I see this is right to end I just care deeply for him and have only had his time .. I am alone inside and being alone too doesnt feel good it makes me ill. I dont know why i was treated that way bc i never did anything he jus was jealous.. I dont understand.
On this new years Vacation me and my boyfriend of 6.5 years got in a fight it was mostly his fault and he wont admit it so i make it like my fault. We were with his family. I was upset and i yelled at him instead and was upset the whole trip ans went home sad. Ok so then a week later he wanted to see me again so i saw him again and stayed with him for few days over and everything seemed nomal and we talked it out and i said im sorry and stuff. Everything was calm and lovely and kissy. Few days later he snapped out of the blue on text after a cool picture i send him then saying hey im done with you, im moving on and you should too. That was it and I was lost for words because we were talking about our next trip together. So i asked him what did i do wrong even tho everything was just fine and he wanted to see me and talked things out nicely and spend time time together. He told me i should see someone for help like im messed up? And few more text after that back and fourth. He was being cold in the convo. Theres no blocking on anything online text etc. I mean i love him so much and did everything for him. I give him everything and do everything he wants. I still have his stuff and he has mine. I am still pretty upset we been together for over 6 years. This is our 2nd big fight as he broke up with me 2 years ago over non sense stuff for almost 2 months. He still called me babe while breaking up and i dont understand. We loved eachother so much that we talked about having baby and marriage ring. We were pretty excited about our relationship and he said i changed his life when i met him. We still dont live together. Any thoughts on this? I would do anything to get him back.
Thanks for the tips
I have broken up w/this man so many times, this last time we were apart for 5 months. I was making huge strides, i got a new job, was going to the gym, losing weight and starting to feel better about myself than I had in years. I jumped from being married to a narcissist to meeting this guy two weeks after our seperation amd have been in this tomultious, unhealthy roller coaster ride of a relationship on and off for 5 years. The man is terrible, and after 5 months of hard work I broke down and called him. Now here I am 5 months later regretting my decision. This man has somewhat changed, he stopped calling me an idiot. Now he has switched to a selfish dumb bitch. This is the thing, i am head over heals in love with and infatuated with this abusive man and despite how horrible he treats me I cannot stand to be away from him. I need to break it off but I just can't. I NEED help. We don't live together so it should be as easy as a goodbye letter, cry for a week, eat some bon bons (chocolate), and pick myself up and move forward but everytime I do that I beg him back so its like WHY? I just want to be done. He called me a fat retarded whore a couple of weeks ago, and it has been getting steadily worse, he yells at me constantly when we are together, tells me I do nothing right, and my self-esteem is gone again. I just cant play this game any longer, but I feel like I've already lost and now I am just a prisoner. I don't think that being respectful and trying to let him down easy is the way to go on this one but I have honestly never tried it. What do you think? Do I just cut off communication? It has never worked for me in the past! I dont know💔
Hi Jess , I hope you're good.
No, I don't think you should have any respect for this man. You are worthy, and a partner should be making you feel that every day. Anyone who does the opposite does not deserve, in my opinion, any consideration. It doesn't mean you have to be resentful, but abusers are extremely persuasive and can get you back easily. You are not stupid for falling into his trap, remember that please.
I was in an abusive relationship with a man who was cheating on his wife with me without me knowing, then got her pregnant. He was psychologically abusive and a pathological lier. I broke up with him on the phone and now, 8 years later, I regret nothing - and I haven't seen him ever since.
Please take care and ask for help. What you're going through is really hard and needs radical action. You deserve way more than that, and without him your life will be beautiful.
Wishing you the best!
Fran
Must I have a face to face to break up? It would be so much easier for me to just drop out of sight.