How to Break Up

The End of a Dating Relationship

One of the most painful experiences in life is the ending of a meaningful relationship, especially where there has been a romance. People who call my radio show always tell me stories about really heart-breaking endings to their relationships. Wouldn't it be amazing if somebody were to say, "My bf/gf treated me so well when we were breaking up, I couldn't help but respect him/her!"

But unfortunately, the end of a dating relationship is often full of deception, dishonesty, and disrespect. But it doesn't have to be this way. When you are breaking up with someone, for whatever reason, the best approach is to treat the other person the same way you would want to be treated.

Still, one thing is for sure. No matter how hard you try to be kind, the fact that you want to break up is going to hurt the other person. This is not something to do over the phone, via text messaging, social media, or email. Consider the time and location. Be courageous and respectful and have your conversation in person and in private.

Before you do anything, make sure you really do want to break up. If you're just angry at your bf/gf, you may want to talk about why you're upset, rather than just ending the relationship. Sometimes it feels easier to run from the relationship, when in reality there may be a great lesson to learn from a challenging situation.

Be prepared for the other person to ask why you're breaking up with him/her. You might want to write down some of your thoughts beforehand. If you're breaking up because of difficulties you've had with the relationship in the past, it'll be easier if you've already talked through them, and given the other person an opportunity to respond.

15 Dos and Don'ts When Breaking Up

  • Don't have a friend break up for you.
  • Don't ignore your ex and expect that person to understand.
  • Never text a good-bye.
  • Don't announce it on social media.
  • Don't make your reasons complicated.
  • Be direct, but kind.
  • Don't say something mean about the other person.
  • Don't say, "Let's just be friends." (You may be friends again, but it takes time for the relationship to heal).
  • Answer their questions as honestly and kindly as possible.
  • Don't say, "It's not you, it's me."
  • Understand that the other person is going to be very hurt, confused and possibly angry.
  • Don't go blabbing to other people about the break-up. Save your experience for a few trusted friends.
  • Don't break up unless you know for sure it's final. The breaking up and then getting back together again cycle breeds mistrust.
  • Wait before you start dating someone else, especially if you see your former bf/gf often.

Consider Brittini's story: After the last relationship when I broke up with my boyfriend, the week later he was asking my friend if she would go out with him! That made me so mad that the next time I saw him I just wanted to hurt him and her.

  • Don't try to talk your bf/gf out of their decision.

Grace's advice is valuable: My beau of just over 4 yrs. broke up with me last Valentine's Day in what he later called "a defensive, reactive" moment - completely unexpected by either of us. I tried to talk him out of it for over an hour to no avail. Ladies, please DON'T do this. If he's gonna break up with you, let him. If he's wrong, truly loves you, and is a real man, he will come back for you. Do not chase him. It only leads to a more shattered heart.

Breaking Up Is Hard...Be honest and sensitive.

Breaking up is hard. There's no getting around that. Just listen to Kate, who said: I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months last week. I know 6 months isn't that long, but I would drive 74 miles (one way) to see him, sometimes several times a week. He never came to see me. He also told me that he didn't love me, and he never would. Instead of breaking it off and trying to heal myself like a normal person, I would do just about anything to keep the relationship going. I can't live without him, and my heart is genuinely broken. I know God is the only one who can fill the hole in my heart.

If you use honesty, compassion, and sensitivity, you'll both be better off in the end.  Treat him or her with the same respect you'd like someone to treat your future husband/wife.

The fact that you are reading this blog shows that you care enough to do this the right way and want to be as compassionate as possible. I commend you for that. When handling any sensitive situation, it is helpful to think about approaching the conversation with these words: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These words are called the Fruit of the Spirit in the Bible.  They describe the essence of God, and that is always a good place to start.

If you're struggling to get through a difficult breakup, you might want to read my blog about Getting Over A Broken Heart for some additional thoughts.

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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67 comments on “How to Break Up”

  1. Hi Guys,
    my story is little bit different. I need your help to get out of it since, I am in a bad phase now.
    I was in a relationship with my ex boy friend for 6 years . We were real buddies . I was happy with him and he showed me the right path for my career and prosperity , i truly loved him and we had a good future. But suddenly we did not have that spark in our life , since both of us were busy in work. Suddenly in my life, i met a guy who was in love with me , I told him i was already in a relationship, but after few days, i started to fall for him , due to which i broke up with my ex and we were good friends after that , he was always there for me as a friend . Now lately , I realised my mistake and i want to be with my ex boy friend, I feel sorry for everything and i truly regret for my mistake. I am not sure how to break up with my current bf (in 4 months relationship) since He truly loves me and want to be with me forever, i know i cant get my ex back, but atleast i want to live with his memories forever and atleast show him I am not the girl who hurted him , I have changed a lot and i really love him now, i do not know what to do , i can live my current bf by having feelings for my ex. Please help me . I know i was a idiot . But i feel bad to hurt two boy's feelings now. I have already spoiled my ex bf's life, i am very afraid I would do the same for my current BF , Please help me

  2. I have been dating this guy for four months and he has been telling me he wants to take things slow but i felt he is not serious about us then i decided to end things with him yesterday, but now i really regret this i just wish i could have given us a bit of time to see where we going. Please advice on how can i get him back

  3. A guy I've been dated for 3 months decided to break up with me. He said he does not have love feelings for me. He said its been 3 months already and he is still not inlove so if it doesnt happen in 3 months it will not happen in the months to come. I am trully broken. We have not said i love to each other on the months that we dated but I do felt that he cared for me and i cared for him a lot too. I have been broken hearted so many times that is why i am not very quick to say the "L" word. For me true love takes time to develop and it all starts with genuine care and respect. My ex was admittedly cold. He is not affectionate. He does not cummunicate with me very often. Sometimes days would come by and he would not text me. There is no 3rd party involve as he already introduced me to all his friends and workmate. I am so sad right now. I dont wanna stop seeing him and i really feel so strongly about him. Its only been 3 days. I cannot eat or sleep properly and im very distracted at work. Please help me i feel so hopeless right now.....

    1. Hey Lady,
      He's just not that much into you. It happens. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it, except for letting him go. Girls can fall in love later on when they see how a man cares for them, but for guys, it's a one-way street. He's either in love/likes you with you right here and right now, from the moment you chatted to each other, or he's never going to love you.
      Either that, or he might have intimacy and commitment issues. Better avoid men with those issues, especially if he's neurotic.
      To cheer yourself up, read He's Just Not That Into You by Steve Harvey and Men Who Can't Love by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Very good reading and it will make you a lot more confident in your intrapersonal relationships. Helped me a great deal when I was getting over a man who proposed to me during our first 2 months and then decided to take his words back 4 months later. Kicked his butt and kicked him out, he then married a girl he never loved out for spite and just to get back at me and kept on calling me drunk for 2 years after that, that's how much a neurotic he was. 🙂
      When it comes to your health, do take care of yourself. You may experience heartache, depression, anxiety (was my constant issue), insomnia... Fill your time with work, gym and use it to become even a better version of yourself. Your pain will subside within a month or two, don't think this acute phase will last forever. You will be very well in a year or so from now. Time is the greatest healer. Even very extraordinary people meet someone special. Just don't give up on life and you will meet someone who will appreciate you for who you are. Good luck!

  4. I met this guy through my aunt last January and he ended up going to the beach with us (i didn’t know him at the time). He was 20 and i was 16 at the time. We were so shy around each other and then he started coming around my house to visit my aunt and i knew it was because he wanted to see me. We started talking in late February and we hit it off so good. I had just gotten out of an on and off relationship with my best friend, and he started dating my BEST friend about 2 weeks after we called it quits so i was hurt and desperate to find a rebound. He became my shelter and comfort. I started sneaking him in every night and skipping school just spend the day with him. He didn’t even have a car or a job and he was bad on coccaine and alcohol. (He never asked if i wanted any, he was very secretive with the things he did.) Anyway, skip to April 29, when my grandpa passed away. I was devastated and blamed myself although cancer took him, may he rest in peace. He promised me he’d always be there for me, maybe it was pressure because i found out as he was sitting next to me over the phone. He told me he understood my pain and that he would never hurt me. About two weeks later, he ditched me at my grandpa’s memorial. He refused to go with me and just hid in my room. I cried to him coming back home and left early so i could go back to his moms friends house and stay because i was extremely depressed way more than usual. He left after i told him i was only 2 minutes away. He left me on purpose which hurt. He ended up moving in with me about 2 weeks after that, and spent all our time together. I helped him get back and forth to work off my card calling uber’s constantly or handing money to his mother to take him. I forced him to save his money to buy a car, i helped him get off coccaine by holding his keys back (sounds psycho but it helped). He never paid one bill, never told me i looked pretty, never told me he loved me. That’s when we started fighting from my frustration because he was lazy and ignorant and never wanted to help people out, ALWAYS on his phone. Then he would hit me or push me onto the floor or into the wall when he was upset with me or his mother (the devil himself). He was extremely abusive and selfish but i knew he was coming from a hurt place and i wanted to be his safe haven because everyone had given up on him. He was very suicidal and insecure and I was the only one there for him. He told me many times, but he’d take it back when we fought. Always saying “I thought you loved me” “Do you really think anyone could ever love you?” “No wonder your family hates you.” “You’re ugly as f***, maybe that’s why you can’t get anyone to be with you.” He’d use my insecurities that i cried to him numberous times against me in fights, mocking me when i cried. Throwing remotes, and phones, and countless other things. Swiping all of my candles and items on my desk into the floor. He hurt me so many times, and i became immune to it. I began to hate myself for letting him do it. I lost all my friends because i was so blinded by wanting him to change and would always just want to spend time with him. I found a full photo album of nudes in his phone, saw him talking to his ex girlfriend, and found photos of him with his ex step sister in his phone from only a night ago. I did nothing about it other than yelling at him and then letting him back in my bed at night. He wasn’t even my boyfriend. I feel so pathetic and useless, how could i let someone belittle me and abuse me in every single way possible. Now he’s gone since late November 2018, he called me all throughout from there to january asking for nudes or to listen to his problems which i did like an idiot because old habits are hard to break. He owes me 400 dollars, and we are going to court next month. I still miss him and a part of me will always love him after all the bad memories and good memories and everything in between. It’s so difficult moving on, he literally left everything he owned in my room and even got his mother to harass me. If you read this all, i’m sorry. It feels so good to just type it all out. I am trying so hard to get over him but i keep thinking i deserve the sadness and regret. Time heals though. I will get through it and never look back. I will forgive him though, but first i just need to forgive myself.

    1. Hey babe, I hope you get to read this. You have a beautiful heart and soul but many times we try to get from people what we need to give yourself. You can't fix a broken person much less make them love you. The worse that can happen is that they would break you as well. Pls, pick yourself up, read and develop the greatest love- self love. Sometimes we don't Even realize that we don't love ourselves enough. You need to recognize that you don't and feed your spirit and soul with love by walking away from anything that breaks you down and make you feel worthless. You are beautiful and loved. God bless.

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