You Know They Are Cheating On You, but What Are You Going to Do?

If you have ever uncovered the painful truth that the person you feel you love is cheating on you, you probably asked yourself: What am I supposed to do now? What should my response be to this betrayal? There is no doubt a wide range of confusing emotions flooding through you. All these feelings make it very difficult to make any kind of wise decision on what to do next. So don't react too quickly.

Let's begin with looking at what cheating is and is NOT.

What Is Cheating?

It's important to understand that there are different kinds of behavior people call cheating, some of which is not cheating at all. For example, if someone asks you out just once, and then soon after asks someone else out, that's not cheating. That's simply dating. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with dating around.

On the other hand, if you have been dating that person for a while and you both commit to dating exclusively, and that person dates someone else behind your back, that's cheating. Obviously, if someone says, "Will you be my fiancé?" and you accept, and then they date behind your back, that's cheating. If the person you are dating for some time has sex, or inappropriate sexual behavior with another person, that's cheating.

Four Steps to Protect Yourself:

1.  The first thing you need to do is wait.  Don't do anything. Let your feelings calm down. Regardless of what you have discovered, there's no need to go around trashing the person who's cheated on you, or even the one he/she did it with. Stay above the betrayal. Don't let the lies and deceit of your bf/gf drag you down into the gutter with them. Keep your deep sense of personal dignity and healthy self-worth. You only make matters worse by acting out of anger and confusion. Don't tell the world you've been violated.

2.  Surround yourself with good friends and wise counselors who can help you sort through your emotions and discover what has actually taken place. Get your friends and others you trust to quietly uncover what has been happening behind your back. Usually your friends are the first to know. These people are priceless to you because you can talk through your emotions with them. Left to yourself, you will only get caught in a circle of confusion, hurt, and resentment.

3.  Confront your bf/gf in private.  Confrontation is never easy, but you will never get to the bottom of what has happened or begin healing until you have talked with your cheating bf/gf. Sometimes you feel like causing a big scene to bring shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.

4.  Remember your worth. Do not let yourself fall prey to all the lies that you may be tempted to believe such as, "There must be something wrong with me." "I'm not worthy of real love." "I'll never find a good partner."  This is desperate thinking in the moment. While being cheated on hurts to the core...it does not define who YOU are. See yourself as God sees you. He sees you as....Chosen, Accepted, Loved, Beautiful and Significant. Write these messages down and surround yourself with them. Believe the truth.

Tips for Confronting the Cheater

1. It's very important to have a confrontation face-to-face if possible. Body language (facial expressions, etc.) will tell you a lot.

2. Make sure you have the facts before the confrontation. If you try to confront without evidence, you will most likely be lied to or stir up deep resentment in the person you are accusing. The person being confronted often blames you for the very thing he/she has done. This is the kind of experience Kristy had, "I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. It was a break-up/make-up relationship. He would do something wrong, like cheat, and somehow blame it on me; make me feel like it was my fault that he cheated, that somehow, I drove him to it. Then he'd break up with me, and a few days later, we'd get back together."

3. While confronting, deal with the source of the problem, your bf/gf, and don't focus on the person they've cheated with. Sometimes you feel like bringing shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.

4. Try to discover if your cheating bf/gf is truly repentant for what he/she has done. Some people are just sorry because they got caught. It will take time for you to know whether or not your bf/gf is truly sorry for their betrayal of you.

5. Some people when confronted become defensive, belligerent, and angry. That is a good sign they have no intention of ever getting back with you again. See their reaction for what it is. Sometimes it's just better to walk away and stay away.

Should You Save the Relationship?

Deciding whether or not you are going to try and salvage the relationship could be one of the most important decisions you will ever make.

Consider a time-out from your relationship.  A time-out will give you a chance to get wise counsel from other people and decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving.

Don't make the mistake of KT, "My ex-boyfriend was a jerk and treated me so badly. He'd call me names and he'd cheat on me and give me the guilt trip saying, I will never find anyone like him or even as good as him cause he is that unique. All my friends told me to leave him. They said a good guy will come along when he comes along, but I didn't listen to my friends, even though they have given me very good advice for two years now. I just didn't listen cause my ex-boyfriend sort of brainwashed me in a way. Now that I understand and accept it, I am doing so much better."

Know it will take time for the relationship to heal, if it ever does. Trust has been shattered and recovering trust takes a long time. If you decide the relationship is salvageable, your cheating bf/gf will have to be patient for you to trust them again. But eventually you will need to forgive them and learn to trust.

The Relationship Can't be Saved. Now What?

If you decide the relationship cannot be healed or mended, take some off from dating to find yourself and allow yourself to become stronger. Some relationships cannot be saved no matter what you do. So don't bring unnecessary drama and needless hurt into your life by not letting go.

Steven said something incredible when he commented, "Everybody has free will and [my girlfriend] had the will to cheat as she pleases, and I can't change that. But I also have free will. The free will to not give her power over me and to move on to lead a productive life. The people who loved me and the ones I loved were counting on me. I dropped my pride and cried out for help."

Know your own self-worth and cry out for the help you need. You are worth it!

If you've just been cheated on and need more help, Check out: He Cheated On You: 6 Things Not To Do.

Ashley Rawls shares her story with I AM SECOND, a movement to inspire the revolution of Second.

Ashley Rawls carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. She came from a strict home in which the expectations for success were extremely high. Every year, she and her family watched beauty pageants in the hopes that one day Ashley would be the winner on that stage. This pressure to become the beauty queen led Ashley to control her eating, which developed into anorexia. While they watched their perfect beauty queen light up the stage, they didn't know Ashley was hiding a secret that was tormenting her soul.

I didn't know how to be normal. I didn't know how to have a normal relationship with food.

How do you let go of control without losing control? Ashley says her dilemma was never about image; it was about control—the control of having a normal life. Stability. Balance. It was about security. Ashley thought that if she could control her weight and what she was eating, then she would be happy. But the more she tried to control her eating, the more the eating disorder controlled her.

Is there hope for letting go without losing control? She eventually found peace and freedom when she gave up and handed her eating disorder over to God. She had to learn to trust that He could take care of something that had become too big for her, and that He loved her enough to be willing to help.

I've found, in my life, that the more I try to control something the worse I feel. But when I call out to God and ask Him to take my burdens from me, I feel a sense of relief and hope.

"The funny thing about giving up control is that I never really had control in the first place. My life has always been in God's hands, and all I was doing was getting in the way of what He was trying to do in me and through me." Watch as Ashley shares her story in her own words.

I AM SECOND is a movement meant to inspire people of all kinds to live for God and for others. Actors. Athletes. Musicians. Business leaders. Drug addicts. Your next-door neighbor. People like you. The authentic stories on iamsecond.com provide insight into dealing with typical struggles of everyday living. These are stories that give hope to the lonely and the hurting, help from destructive lifestyles, and inspiration to the unfulfilled. You'll discover people who've tried to go it alone and have failed. Find the hope, peace, and fulfillment they found. Be Second.

I AM SECOND encourages you to go a step further, talk with the people in your life. Spread the revolution of Second. Share the videos with friends. Gather a group of friends to discuss the films. Start an I AM SECOND group.

If you would like more information on eating disorders, please download our free eBook.

The Blame Game

Why do I have this problem? This simple question flooded my brain almost every day for eight years. I couldn't understand why I saw food differently than everyone else, why it had to be so paradoxical. I loved food so much that I hated it; it was as simple as that.

Just eat, or just stop when you're full. Everyone around me seemed to know how to make it go away. It all seemed so simple to them, but my routines, my beliefs, my truths knew them just as the sun knows when and where to rise and set. It doesn't just go away.

Blame. It has to go somewhere, right? I wanted to blame everybody and everything. I needed a reason, and I needed to know why. Why was my mind so messed up, so tainted, so weak?

As a teenager, life seemed so permanent. My day-to-day life, the way I was treated, the things that I was good at, interested in, and involved with...in my mind those were all fixed and would never change. My life was what I saw in the mirror that day. I was a number, a lipstick tube, a brand on a shirt, a "You're not fat; you're just big" from a peer. My identity, bent and twisted, only truly existed when I stripped myself of the makeup, the brand names, the fake friends, and the belittling of others to make myself feel better. It was down there somewhere underneath it all; I just had to find it. I knew that much.

Life's biggest heartaches revolve around answers we don't have. We want to know why life isn't always fair and why we have to look, dress, and learn the way we do. We want someone or something to blame for how bad things are, for why we're grouped and classified the way we are, or why things had to happen the way they did. Sadly, life doesn't always provide us with these reasons. That would be too easy, wouldn't it?

I've learned that nothing is easy when you're growing up. Between whom our parents want us to be and who our friends think we should be, discovering our identities is a grueling, never-ending battle. Without that third factor...knowing God had a plan for my life, I can't even consider where I would be today. That underlying hope that there was more, that God had a deeper plan, that God would never forsake me, that is what kept me believing.

Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." What peace comes from knowing that we don't have to have all the answers; God holds them all in the palm of his hand!
God's truth supersedes all of our made-up truths, and with this fact, we have a reason to live in freedom, not blame.

End the War with Food and our Bodies

Finding Balance, a partner of TheHopeLine, wants everyone to eat well and live free.  Their mission is to provide practical resources to help people live healthier, more balanced lives, FREE from eating and body image issues, all rooted in Biblically sound principles and truth

Finding Balance shares ways we can end the war with food and our bodies:

The statistics are alarming some researchers estimate that at least 10 million women and 1 million men are struggling with eating disorders. 25 million are binge eaters, and an estimated 34 million are chronic dieters. 81% of ten-year-olds are afraid of getting fat, and three out of four women of normal weight ranges think they are fat.

As alarming as these numbers are, they probably don't surprise most of us. Almost everyone can name at least one person they know who is currently afflicted or who has battled disordered eating in the past.

There are many complicated factors that can lead to eating disorders, including life experiences, personality type, societal pressures and even genetics. Still, obsessions with food, eating and weight are central to all disordered eating.

Listed below are the types of attitudes and practices you can adopt to help guard against eating disorders. Be aware, and pass this information on to people you care about.

Regarding Weight

  • Don't measure your worth by a number on the scale.
  • Aim for a healthy, realistic weight for your body type.

Regarding Bodies

  • Read magazines that promote a variety of body types and positive self-image.
  • Change the channel when watching TV programs that treat teen girls and women as sex objects.
  • Write letters to advertisers.
  • Marvel at the wonderful variety of bodies in the world each one unique.
  • Accept your body at its natural shape and size.
  • Be thankful for the amazing things your body does every day.
  • Focus on inner beauty in others and yourself.

Regarding Food

  • As a rule, eat three healthy, balanced meals a day, and snacks as needed.
  • Build in treats to enjoy in moderation.
  • Read food labels and check portion sizes as an occasional learning tool, not an everyday ritual.
  • Find alternatives to meet your emotional needs, instead of using food to do so.
  • Become aware of your hunger and fullness signals.

Regarding Exercise

  • Exercise regularly to stay healthy. Even just 20-30 minutes a day of low-impact walking gives you a huge health boost and can even prevent against depression and other ailments.
  • Choose activities that you can truly enjoy and make them part of your life.

Regarding Emotional Health

  • See a counselor if you are feeling down, anxious, fearful, or lonely.
  • Make time in your life to connect with others on a regular basis, outside of work, such as in a small group, at church, having friends over or other activities. Isolation is where any unhealthy behavior thrives so make relationships a priority and growth area on an ongoing basis.

Final Thought: The Power of Words

What we say out loud tends to be what we believe. Most eating issues are propelled in some way by lies and/or negative self-talk.

Choose not to be a part of it. Don't join in on conversations that focus on diets, body comparison and the like. Instead, make opportunities to say positive things, whether just to yourself, to friends, or especially to family members. Together we can help end our war with food and our bodies and live the life we were created for.

If you think you might be struggling with an eating disorder, take Finding Balance's Quiz to test yourself.

Eating Issues Test 1

Eating Issues Test 2

Mallory Hood, blogger for Finding Balance. Original article published here.

Guard Your Heart TRUE BEAUTY EDITION

We live in a body-obsessed culture.  Men and women both feel pressured to have the perfect bodies, and we believe so many lies about what a perfect body is and what defines beauty.

As I continue to talk about guarding our hearts another way, we can protect ourselves is to know the TRUTH about beauty and not believe the lies and photo-shopped images that we are surrounded by daily.

Guarding your heart requires you to Fill your heart with TRUTH and cling to that truth when the world tells you lies.

Lie 1. My worth and my beauty is measured by a number on the scale, the size of my jeans, the size of my biceps. 

  • Truth - I've said this before, but I need to repeat it - your worth is defined by one thing and one thing only...by  a God who loves you and who created you wonderfully!  If only we could grasp the greatness of God who created the entire universe and yet LOVES little old you and me so much that He knew us before we were born and designed us perfectly, THEN we might understand our worth beyond a number.  And not to sound cliche but beauty really is a matter of the heart. I believe it is absolutely true that the most attractive person in the room is the one with a smile on their face exuding kindness and confidence. Not the person in the latest fashions whose all done up, but spewing hate.
  • Heart Protection By having a confidence that comes from knowing our value in God's eyes and expressing our confidence through kindness and joy, we will exude true beauty. Our confidence will no longer rely on an ever-changing number on the scale.

Lie 2. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit model or the guy on the cover of GQ magazine is the definition of attractive and what I need to strive for.

  • Truth The images of beauty that we see on the cover of magazines are unrealistic and often unattainable. Want proof? Watch this:
  • Heart Protection By realizing that the images you see daily in the media are highly touched up, you will protect yourself from trying to live up to a standard that is unrealistic. Stop being so hard on yourself when you look in the mirror.  See those pictures for the lies that they are.  Set healthy expectations for yourself and believe the true definition of beauty as defined above.

Lie 3. I need to dress provocatively in order to get a guy's attention.  Guys like girls who show some skin.

  • Truth A good guy respects modesty. I have heard it said like this, Dressing immodestly is like rolling around in manure. Yes, you'll get attention, but mostly from pigs. I like that!
  • Heart Protection If you believe that good guys respect modesty, you won't feel the pressure to dress inappropriately, and by holding yourself to a higher standard, you won't set yourself up to be treated like an object. YOU DESERVE MORE. If a guy is only paying attention to you when you dress a certain way, he is likely not a guy who is going to respect you later. The Bible offers a very practical analogy on this very subject when it says A beautiful woman who lacks modesty is like a fine gold ring in a pig's snout.  In other words, don't ruin your beauty by revealing too much. By holding yourself to a higher standard, you won't set yourself up to be treated like an object

Here is one of the best descriptions of beauty that I've read:  She is a woman of strength and dignity and has no fear of old age.  When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule for everything she says.   Let's strive for that kind of beauty.

TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth gives practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.

I have talked to nearly 30,000 teenagers and young adults in my career. Talk radio is what I do. I love it and I'm totally committed to those who call me. But I don't always understand some of the people who call. It's like we are talking on two different wavelengths and I know I'm not getting through. I realized that some of the most frustrating calls were from people who were addicted to love.

What Love Addiction Looks Like

I was struggling to understand why people who were being completely used in a relationship wouldn't leave their partner. Why did they seem to be totally set against doing what they ought to do to get help or healing? Why did they refuse to get off the road that was leading them to heartbreak and destruction?

I could never understand how a guy could treat a girl so awful. He'll hit her, make fun of her, cheat on her, get her pregnant and leave, and yet the girl does everything in her power to keep him or get him back.  I used to want to say to these girls, "Why can't you see it?! Are you blind? " I know that doesn't sound very loving, but that's how I felt.

But one day, I decided to learn as much about being addicted to love as I possibly could. In my research, I have learned love addiction can strike either sex and it is every bit as powerful and destructive as drugs, gambling, alcohol, eating disorders, or cutting. Now I understand better about love addiction and can spot it almost every time a love addict calls my show. Now I know why love addicts won't respond to the simple solution to their problem drop him/her.

How Can Love Be an Addiction?

Love addiction is a lot like other addictions where a person obsessively and compulsively tries to relieve or medicate the deep pain in their life by feeling lovedIn fact, the feelings of a love addict are just as false as the high drugs bring to a drug addict.

If you are a love addict, you think you cannot live without the other person and you will do just about anything to keep the relationship alive.

I think if you're addicted to love then that means once you're in a relationship, you can't live without that person, and you will do whatever you can to stay in a relationship...(Riah)

Some teens don't get the love they want from home or friends so they plunge themselves into relationships that will never work out. They crave love so much that it blinds them and makes them so desperate that they'll try to find it anywhere possible. (Jessica) Jessica understands that many a love addict comes out of a troubled home where there wasn't nearly enough love, and she's right. She also understands just how desperate a love addict can be. Many go from partner to partner terrified of being alone.

Love Addiction Defined

Using Riah's, Jessica's and my thoughts on love addiction here's a pretty good definition of a love addictionA love addiction is when a person obsessively and compulsively tries to relieve or medicate the deep pain in their life through a romantic relationship.

They plunge themselves into relationships that will never work. Once they're in a relationship, they feel they can't live without the other person and will do whatever they have to do to stay in the relationship. The love addict craves what they think is the feeling of love so intensely, it blinds them and makes them desperate to find and keep it any way possible.

Are You a Love Addict?

Look at some of the qualities of a love addict to try to see if you might be one. Be honest with yourself. One of the main characteristics of a love addict is denial.

A Love Addict:

What's Next?

If you are a love addict or know somebody who is, I want you to know there is hope. Literally thousands of people have broken away from the bondage of love addiction and learned what real love is. Love is a powerful gift given to us by God. In fact, God is love. But when we mishandle or confuse love for something false, heartbreak comes.

Liz's comment clearly explains how a love addict feels: I was in this long-term relationship with this guy, and I convinced myself I couldn't live without him. I had to talk to him every night or I couldn't sleep. Now that we have broken up, I realized the only reason it felt like I couldn't live without him was that I was addicted to love. He treated me like I wasn't even his friend in public, but I put up with it because I wanted to feel loved. When [he told me he] loved me every night, it made me feel like a completely different person, made me feel untouchable for that split second. Everyone thrives to hear those words. That's why it is so easy to [become] addicted to love because whether you love that person or not, it feels good to hear it. (Liz)

Why do people become love addicts? Check out my post on LOVE ADDICTION AND ABANDONMENT

There is so much confusion around the addiction of cutting. It's hard for some people to understand why you, or someone you know, would repeatedly harm themselves on purpose.  I want to break through the confusion and help those who practice cutting as a way of life. I've heard a lot of people say, why would anyone do such a thing as purposely cause pain to their bodies? So, let's begin to uncover the reasons why so many people cut themselves.

Most People Cut to Cover an Even Deeper Emotional Pain

As I have talked with hundreds of people that self-harm, one major reason emerges over and over again: Most people cut themselves to try to cope with an even deeper emotional pain. If you or anybody you know is cutting, please understand cutting is a way of covering something much deeper and painful going on inside.

Cover Self-Hate

An anonymous blogger put it this way: I used to cut because I felt like it was the only way to feel something other than the hurt and confusion and self-hate that was driving me insane. I would cut because I hated myself so much that I wanted to tear myself to pieces.

Cover Past Trauma

Most cutters' ability to cope with life is overwhelmed by powerful emotions or extreme pressure that seem too intense to bear. Jenessa said she's been a cutter for 7 years. I was sexually abused by someone very close to me. I started cutting because I always thought that what happened was my fault. I have never gotten over it, so I used to cope with any problem I had by cutting. Taking it out on myself was so much easier than figuring out what to do emotionally.

Can't Express Emotional Pain

When these emotions aren't dealt with, tension builds up. Cutting can feel like a release of this tension. Rachel said cutting is a way for her to deal with her pain: It's an escape from reality. No matter how temporary it is it's a relief to escape all the pain.

Most cutters struggle to express their pain to others. Without the words or outlet to express their emotional pain, they give into a short cut, a destructive physical expression toward themself. Laken said cutting is her first reaction when she feels disappointment or difficulty. When I fail a test, when I get in a fight, when I am called a mean name, or when anything bad happens the first thought is to cut. It is horrible and I always fall back on it.

The physical pain has a calming effect on her more agonizing emotional pain. Cutting is the treating of one pain with another. A cutter's life is one of the choices between one kind of pain or a much greater one. Amy said: It feels good when you have physical pain to take away from your emotional pain.

Avoid Dealing with Deep Feelings

The problem with self-injury as with any addiction, is that by harming yourself you never really are able to confront your deepest feelings. Perhaps that is you. You are using cutting to try to cope with an even deeper emotional pain. It is hard to say no to something that feels so good. But in the end, cutting will fail you every time.

Don't lose hope. There are healthy ways to deal with your emotions and to stop cutting for good.  Check out these helpful resources on self-harm from TheHopeLine.

If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, check out TheHopeLine's free eBook.

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