If you’ve struggled with self-harm in the past, especially with cutting, you probably have a few scars, blemishes, or marks on your body that remind you of your darkest moments. Sometimes those scars are also a reminder to friends and family of what we’ve been through, or they spark questions from strangers when we’d rather not think about the past. Maybe you’re in the habit of covering up your cuts or scars with long sleeves, pants, or another piece of clothing so that nobody can see what you’ve done. The act of covering up your body, or the fear of showing it freely, is tied to self-hate or negative body image. How are you supposed to love the living, breathing memorial of the nights you spent hurting yourself on purpose? It can be difficult to know how to love your body when the very sight of it triggers memories of bad times, but it is possible.

How to Love Your Body After Cutting

Examine What’s at the Root of Your Self-harm

Start figuring out how to learn to love your body by confronting the deeply rooted issues that led to your self-harm in the first place. If you haven’t already, seek professional help and guidance as you try to stop cutting and recover. One of the many reasons someone might choose cutting as their form of self-harm is that it triggers a pain response in your brain that can distract from the emotional distress you’ve been feeling. Eventually, you can become dependent or even addicted to the rush or high you get from cutting. To truly recover and learn to love your body (including scars), you need to ask yourself why you’re harming yourself. Work with your friends, family, counselor or therapist, and a doctor to find a better solution for your mental health.

There’s No Shame in Healing

If your scars from past self-harm are bothering you, you’re not alone. Maybe you don’t like them because you think they’re ugly or because you think people judge you when they see them. Maybe you don’t like them because they remind you of cutting, and you hate remembering times when you were hurting. Maybe you feel embarrassed that your mental health ever reached a point where you felt self-harm was the answer. Whatever the reason that you hate your scars, at the root of this self-hate is shame.

What is shame? Shame is when you believe that past mistakes make you a lesser person. According to shame expert Brene Brown, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Instead of shaming yourself for having scars, let’s try putting your scars in context: a scar is visible proof that you and your body are capable of closing up wounds and growing new, healthy skin where there was once an injury. A scar is evidence of healing. A scar is a surefire sign that what was once painful and bloody is now strong and whole. What’s so shameful about that?

When you look at your scars without shame, your scars can become a record of your strength and resilience, instead of something to be hidden or covered up.

6 Practical Ways to Learn to Love Your Body

Now that you’ve considered your scars in a new light, you can start trying to see your body positively. It’ll be a process, but try starting with a few simple tactics:

1. Intentionally set aside time to do so. You probably won’t just wake up one morning loving your body when you’ve spent years hating it. You have to spend time retraining your brain to see things differently, and training takes time. Try choosing one day a week where you work on body positivity. That could look like taking yourself shopping for a new shirt, choosing short sleeves instead of long, or just taking fifteen minutes to look at yourself in the mirror while you recite positive affirmations.

2. Catch yourself when you’re having a shame-driven thought. Learn to identify when you’re feeling ashamed and shut down that thought pattern as soon as you notice it. Prepare some statements to replace the shame, like “my scars show that I’m healing,” “there’s nothing wrong with scars,” or “I’m just as beautiful with scars as without.”

3. Give your body what you think a “lovable” body deserves. Sometimes pretending is a powerful tool. Imagine how you think a person with a “beautiful body” would treat themselves, and make a decision to treat YOUR body that way for an hour, week, or even month. Showing your body and your mind that you deserve good food, exercise, rest, fun, and generally positive things can help you see yourself in a different light until eventually you realize that you are actually the one with the beautiful body.

4. Create something new to look at. If, after some time and practice with body-positive exercises, you still aren’t comfortable with your scars, consider reclaiming your body by adding something new and beautiful. There are many tattoo artists who specialize in art that covers scarring. This is a big decision, so make sure you consider it carefully and over the course of some time. It’s usually recommended that you wait a year before you get a tattoo to see if you still want it before you get it permanently added to your body, and if you’re under 18, you’ll need your parent’s support and permission as well. Make sure you choose this as a self-affirming act of love, rather than another way of hiding what you’ve been through.

5. Ask for support. Loving our bodies is hard no matter what we’ve been through because we live in a society that sells us the lie that we’re not good enough unless we buy certain products, join certain gyms, or try certain diets. Even if they don’t understand self-harm, those who love you almost certainly understand the battle of learning to love your body as is. Don’t be afraid to talk to them, seek professional help, or reach out to a Hope Coach if you’re struggling.

6. Practice. Nothing will turn you into a person who loves their body after you do it once. You have to practice. Over time, you may find that you see yourself and your scars differently.

Guess Who Else Has Scars

Jesus is an expert on scars. Though His scars weren’t self-inflicted, He did choose them when He chose to be a martyr of the Roman Empire. He knows what it is to look at His body and see permanent marks that remind Him of great pain. If you feel alone in your struggle with cutting scars, call out to Him. Know that He hears you and understands your feelings in an intimate way. He is no stranger to having a body that bears the marks of the past, and He doesn’t see you as ruined or dirty because of your scars. His is a message of healing and love, so don’t be afraid to turn to him as you heal and learn to love yourself too.

If you want to talk to someone about how to recover from self-harm, reach out to one of our Hope Coaches today! We listen without judgment, so you don’t have to be ashamed of your scars with us. We want to support and see you learn to love the beautiful, wonderful creation that you are.

If you're still struggling with self-harm issues, learn how to manage your mental health with these resources.

Whether you’re about to start your freshman year, or you’re heading off to do your first semester of on-campus classes, making new friends in a new environment is no easy task. When you’re searching for “your place” in the college world, other people’s approval feels even more important than it used to. What if you don’t go to that party? Will any of those people invite you out ever again? What if you don’t feel like drinking? Will everyone write you off as “lame” or “no fun”? What if you don’t feel like having sex? Will the guy you’ve been seeing tell everyone you’re weird or prudish? It’s tempting to just behave however you think your new “friends” want you to, in hopes that they stick around. But are they really your friends if they don’t know the real you?

How to Handle Peer Pressure

What Is Peer Pressure

Peer pressure is when you feel influenced to make a decision based on what you perceive to be the expectations of your friend group or social norms. This can look like one of your friends handing you a beer without asking you if you want it. Or it can look like you thinking, “I really need to hit the gym, because all the influencers on TikTok are ripped.” In person or through social media, the pressure to measure up to expectations can be overwhelming.

It’s important to note that there can be incidents of positive peer pressure. If, for instance, you follow a lot of mental health professionals on social media, you may feel like the current social norm is taking good care of mental health. That’s a positive influence. On the other hand, peer pressure is famously linked to participation in risky behaviors like using drugs and alcohol just because “that’s what everyone in college does.” When your choices are being influenced from every direction, how do you handle peer pressure as a college student?

10 Ways to Handle Peer Pressure

1. Know yourself. You usually feel peer pressure when the social norm or your friend’s behaviors are at odds with your own values. If it makes you uncomfortable to “just hang out” at a party where something illegal is going on in the next room, that’s because you don’t want to be associated with that activity. Before you’re in that situation, think through what your values are. What’s important to you? What do you need in order to be your best? What experiences do you want to have or to avoid in order to make sure you’re being true to yourself? It’s important to prepare yourself to make tough decisions so that you don’t end up just “going with the flow” or blindly following your friends.

2. Establish clear boundaries and don’t ignore red flags. The early days of a new friendship can be a blast as you discover all the things you have in common with each other. After a while though, make sure that the friendship develops into a healthy one. Do you feel drained after hanging out or recharged? Do you feel safe and comfortable saying “no” to this person? Do you feel that they respect your time and your feelings? Make it clear from the get-go that you have your own wants and needs, and if you find that difficult to do in a particular friendship, reconsider whether or not that person is good friend material.

3. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. If you’ve made friends in your dorm, that’s great! But don’t stop there. Stay open to friendships in other areas of your life too. If you start friendships in the dorm, in film club, and in bio lab, you won’t have to worry about ending up “friendless” when you’re making a hard choice between being true to yourself or continuing to hang out with one friend group. If, however, all your friend groups are pretty healthy, you’ll just have lots of good friends! Who wouldn’t love that?

4. Choose settings that align with who you are. What activities do you love? If you were on the soccer team in high school, consider checking out your campus intramural sports teams. If you love to paint, take an art class. If your faith is important to you, see if there are any student groups that represent your religion or denomination. Once you’re there, the making friends part is up to you.

5. Choose settings that align with who you want to be. College is a place of preparation. Even if you’re not sure what to study or haven’t figured out what to do after graduation, try thinking about the kind of person you want to be. If you want to be a person who helps others, consider joining a campus club that volunteers for local charities. If you want to be an athletic person, join the rowing team or a running club. If you don’t want to be a person who makes others feel bad, and your art department friends are all mean people, consider hanging out with them less. The more you hang around people who exhibit characteristics you don’t want to have, the more likely you are to become someone you don’t want to be.

6. Cultivate a relationship with yourself. Spend time alone from time to time. Do something you enjoy like listening to music, sketching, journaling, exploring a new part of town, or hanging out at a good coffee shop. Protecting your alone time is a great way to give yourself space to reflect on how your life’s going and decide to make adjustments when necessary. If you spend every waking minute with your friends or working, you won’t have much time to notice your true feelings.

7. Remember why you’re here. College can be a place where you make lifelong friends, but you can do that anywhere. The reason you are in college is to receive an education and degree. Of course, it’ll be more fun to be a successful student with friends to hang out with along the way, but if you run into a friend group that doesn’t feel right or you have to choose between your friends and being true to yourself, it’s important to remember that your purpose here is to study. You can find friends outside of college if the right people don’t seem to be around.

8. Don’t isolate yourself. When you’re experiencing peer pressure, it might feel like the only way to protect yourself is to simply have no peers to pressure you. Keeping to yourself and having nobody to go to isn’t healthy either. Talk to trustworthy people about your struggles, whether those are old friends, family members, or professionals.

9. Seek professional support. Coping with peer pressure on top of your classes and, you know, life in general, can feel impossible. In fact, peer pressure is one of the leading causes of anxiety in college students. Seeing a counselor or talking to a therapist can help you sort through all the overwhelming feelings and decisions you face as a student, so don’t be afraid to ask for help.

10. Remind yourself of how God sees you. In Christ you are a trusted and valuable friend who deserves grace and forgiveness when you make mistakes. Let that sink in. Let that help you feel secure in the face of peer pressure.

You Don’t Have to Earn Acceptance

In Christ’s love, you can feel safe and secure, loved and accepted, at peace and full of hope. With His abiding love behind you, there is no social situation that can shake your identity. You don’t have to be afraid that choosing to be yourself will cost you your friends and reputation. If you need someone to talk to about a peer pressure situation, or if you want to know more about God’s acceptance, chat with a Hope Coach today. We’re always here to listen without judgment and help you know that you’re never alone.

Are you feeling frustrated about how much your friend calls, texts, and leans on you during a hard time? If so, here's what to do if a friendship makes you feel drained.

When it comes to talking about abortion, there’s no such thing as an “easy” decision. The rhetoric you hear on the news, at home, or in school is all about women’s right to choose, conception vs. heartbeats, and The Supreme Court, but nobody seems to be talking about the practical matter of what to do after you’ve already had an abortion. At TheHopeLine, we understand that if you’ve recently undergone a procedure to terminate pregnancy, you didn’t make that choice lightly. We’re here to listen to your story without judgment and connect you with resources that can support you in recovery after abortion, because no matter the politics, you deserve to heal your mind, body and soul.

How to Recover Emotionally After an Abortion

Helping Your Mind Recover From an Abortion

During your recovery period after abortion, you may feel a wide range of emotions like relief, grief, regret, anger, loneliness and more–and you may feel them all at once! No matter your circumstances, abortion is a significant life event, and anything that big takes a serious mental toll. On top of that, the chemical balance in your brain is impacted by the hormonal shifts you’ve gone through can lead to depression, so it’s key to take care of your mental health at this time. We recommend finding healthy ways to care for your mind, such as:

• Counseling or therapy to help you process your situation in a healthy way. A good counselor will be able to hold space for you, listen to your story, and help guide you in your mental health journey.
• Journaling to help you make sense of everything you’re feeling. Feeling relief? Write about why. Feeling Sad? Write about why. Feeling angry? Write about why. Feeling grief? You guessed it… write about why.
• Consulting a physician about prolonged feelings of depression or anxiety. You may need medication or other health care to move forward in your abortion recovery process.
• Protect yourself from having to make this decision again. Talk to your doctor about different forms of birth control that could be right for you or use protection when you choose to have sex in the future. Keep in mind that birth control isn’t 100% effective and abstinence is a totally acceptable choice.

Whatever you’re feeling post-abortion, it’s valid! Just like your body, your mind has gone through a lot and needs rest and recovery. Do what you can to pour into your mental health for a while.

Helping Your Body Recover From an Abortion

Whether you took pills to medically induce your abortion or went into a clinic for a surgical procedure, you are probably experiencing some physical side effects. Here’s some info about what your body might go through in the next few days and how to take care of yourself:

• Bleeding is the main side effect of either method. It could begin immediately or may not show up for a few days. It could look like spotting or be as heavy as a period. You may even notice small blood clots, tissue, and other discharge. It could last anywhere from 2-6 weeks after your abortion. You can use sanitary pads, tampons, or menstrual cups to your comfort level. If you’re concerned that you’re bleeding too much, call your doctor.
• Another main side effect will be cramping as your uterus begins to shrink down to its pre-pregnancy size. This could just be annoying or may feel like heavy period pain, but either way, it’s important you take correct doses of ibuprofen, avoiding aspirin as it could cause more bleeding. You can also use a hot water bottle or a heating pad to soothe cramps or try massaging your abdomen for 10 minutes.
• Nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea are also common side effects, whether it’s coming from the hormonal changes your body is experiencing or the antibiotics your doctor might have prescribed to prevent infection. Make sure to keep your body hydrated with water and tea if you're nauseated and follow instructions about taking medicines with/without food. If you’re concerned that your nausea is getting out of hand, call your doctor.
• It’s common to feel fatigued in the days and weeks after the procedure–your body has been through a lot! One day you were pregnant, and the next you weren’t, which means lots of hormonal changes are happening, in addition to the emotional toll an abortion decision and process can take. Make sure to prioritize rest for the next several weeks. 
• See your doctor if: You’re experiencing prolonged heavy bleeding such as bleeding through two maxi pads per hour for two hours in a row OR one pad per hour for three hours in a row, passing blood clots larger than the size of a lemon, experiencing severe abdominal pain that doesn’t feel like cramping, running a fever of 100.4 or higher, or noticing a particularly smelly discharge. Any of these things could be a sign of infection or other complications, which are rare but important to catch quickly.

Women report a wide range of experiences with abortion side effects. The important thing to remember is to take it slow, listen to your body, and don’t push yourself too hard or wait to ask questions about what you’re feeling. Now, take a deep breath, put your feet up, and ask your body what it needs.

Helping Your Soul Recover From an Abortion

This is the part where we tell you that self-care is crucial to abortion healing. It’s true! While it won’t be as simple as lighting a candle and drawing up a bubble bath, self-care after an abortion is about getting centered and connecting with what makes you you. Your body and mind are important tools that make your life possible, but there wouldn’t be much life to live without you, your soul, your unique self. These are, of course, always great ideas for any time in life, but here are some ways to tend to your soul’s wellbeing after abortion:

• Lean on your support network. Think of the people you love, who love you, and may even be the reason you wake up in the morning. Don’t keep this experience from them. Tell your story because keeping it bottled up is not healthy. If you feel safe, share what you’re going through and ask for their help.
• Join a support group of people who have personally experienced abortion. Saveone.org has safe and non-judgmental groups across the country. Find a location near you SaveOne.org.
• Lean on your faith. Even if you feel as if your decision to have an abortion goes against your faith. Even if you feel guilt and shame because of your convictions. If you are having regrets, remember that God forgives. He is a God of mercy and grace. He sent His son Jesus to take on our sins so that all who believe in Him are forgiven. God still loves you. If you are feeling the need for forgiveness, pray to God and ask Him to forgive you. As you search for peace as you process the gravity of abortion, spend time in prayer and scriptures that remind you of how Christ sees you.
• Create something or find an activity that brings you joy. Using your mind and body to bring something new into the world can be healing, so pay attention as you move throughout your day. If anything grabs your attention or inspires you, find a way to show gratitude or turn it into art.

Where to Find Help After Abortion

If you are struggling with any part of the post-abortion process, there is help available to you! We’ve gathered some resources here for you, but you can also chat with one of our Hope Coaches.

• You can call H3lpline 24/7 at (866) 721-7881.
• StandUpGirl recommends several other support options, including an abortion support chat.
• Explore the resources available on TheHopeLine's website.

Remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We want to help you, as do those who love you and so many organizations dedicated to helping you heal after this big decision. If you’re not sure where to start, or you want to hear more about that peace, love, joy, and understanding we mentioned earlier, please reach out to TheHopeLine today. We’re here to show you there’s always hope!

Waiting until marriage to have sex is often considered an old-fashioned idea, but lately experts are wondering if the idea of “free love” or “casual sex” needs to fall out of fashion too. If you find yourself questioning the idea that sex is never wrong, as long as it’s between two consenting adults, you’re not alone.

The past couple of decades have seen a major fight to make consent a required element of sexual encounters, but it’s important to remember that mere consent was never supposed to be the entire conversation. Sure, at minimum, you should have the consent of and be equally consenting to a potential sexual partner. But so much goes into our individual ideas of sex and intimacy that can’t be communicated with a simple “yes” or “no,” which is why studies are showing that more and more young people are waiting to have sex, despite the casual hookup culture portrayed in porn and on TV.

What to Know About Casual Sex

Consent Is the Bare Minimum

So if you’ve been feeling weird about the hookup expectations in your friend group or school, you’re not the only one. In her essay called “Consent is not enough. We need a new sexual ethic,” Christine Emba shares conversations she’s had with young people who have grown tired of casual sex culture. It’s not that they feel judged–the stigma against casual sex has largely dissipated outside of religious circles–it’s that they don’t feel satisfied. Though they’re consenting to everything they’ve done, something just doesn’t feel “right.”

How could that be? Hookup and casual sex culture are the norm, due to the sexual revolution. Society fought for years to be freed of a more rigid sexual ethic, but is it working? As long as there are two consenting adults, what’s wrong with casual sex? Emba says, “This is the problem with consent: It leaves so much out. Nonconsensual sex is always wrong, full stop. But that doesn’t mean consensual sex is always right. Even sex that is agreed to can be harmful to an individual, their partner or to society at large.”

The Myth of Meaningless Sex

If the young adults out there engaging in consensual, casual sex grow tired of it, why are we still so obsessed with hookup culture as the ultimate expression of sexual liberation? Emba thinks it’s because we’ve been fooled by a fantasy: “It’s a depressing state of affairs — turbocharged by pornography, which has mainstreamed ever more extreme sexual acts, and the proliferation of dating apps, which can make it seem as though new options are around every corner.”

Basically, porn and the abundance of dating/hookup apps have tricked us into thinking that hookup culture is way more common than it really is, which misleads young adults into “engaging in sexual encounters they don’t really want for reasons they don’t fully agree with,” just because it seems like the “normal” thing to do. On top of that, studies are showing that watching porn can result in increased aggression during sex, an unhealthy body image, and a decrease in sexual satisfaction.

It’s important to remember that societal norms are not necessarily based in reality, and our perceptions are often skewed by the entertainment we consume. The fact is that sex does mean something to us, whether or not hookup culture says it’s meaningless. Otherwise, we wouldn’t universally acknowledge the amount of harm it can do when it’s misused. It is not meaningless, nor is it truly casual, and the ways you choose to go about it matter.

When You Don’t Want to Have Sex

Suddenly, saving sex for marriage or other commited relationship isn’t the old-fashioned path anymore. Instead of accepting the idea that sex is always okay, unless it’s a crime, let’s consider if sex could sometimes actually be the wrong thing to do. When would it actively cause harm?

• When any participant in the act has not given or cannot give enthusiastic consent. Consent can be amended at any point before, during, or after the sexual encounter.
• When you don’t feel like it’s in your best interest, even if you’re tempted to consent because of peer pressure, politeness, fear, embarrassment, etc. Even if you’re kind of willing to consent, is sex with this person or at this time really what you want? 
• When you don’t feel like it’s in your potential partner’s best interest, due to an imbalance of power, sobriety, emotional involvement, etc. Yes, that means it’s wrong to have sex when you know you’re misleading someone who has feelings for you. Even if they’re consenting, is proceeding with a sexual encounter the kindest choice you can make for this person’s well-being? 
• When you know that committing this act will be an act of betrayal that could cause emotional trauma or heartbreak with someone who trusts you or your potential partner. Yes, that means that cheating is wrong.

Other Drawbacks to Casual Sex

What about when it’s not blatantly wrong? Emba remarks that we now live in “a world in which young people are both liberated and miserable.” Studies are showing that engaging in casual sex when it doesn’t truly align with your values can have a seriously negative impact on your life. You might feel:

• Regretful
• Depressed
• Used
• Embarrassed
• Hurt 
• Unfulfilled
• Ashamed

Continuously participating in hookup culture when you really want meaningful intimacy, or when you have different expectations of each encounter than your partners do, can take a toll on your mental health, chipping away at your self-esteem, and increasing your chances of stress, anxiety, and even depression. In a world where “casual” sex is the societal norm, it can be difficult to wait or to tell your partner that you want to wait, but ultimately waiting may be better for your mental health.

A New Way of Looking at Sex

In the casual sex world, you’re encouraged to “do what feels good for you,” which is a decent sentiment in some ways. In the “no means no” world, you’re instructed to get consent, above all else–as long as there’s consent, you’re covered. But we’ve just covered how the concepts of casual sex and consent still leave something out when it comes to a sexual ethic.

What if it’s time for a framework that isn’t as… well… Selfish? Instead of only thinking about whether you’re satisfied, you’re liberated, or you’re doing anything “wrong,” consider that your sex life is not just about you. What about your potential partners?

What if we started genuinely caring about the well-being of our sex partners, whether you’re romantically involved with them or not. Ask yourself if initiating or participating in a sexual encounter with them is truly, in good faith and to the best of your ability, the best way you can care for this human being at the moment.

Conscientious Sex

Christ calls us to treat others with the same kind of deep love and respect that He gives to us. In fact, “love one another” is considered one of His most imperative instructions. He’s not the only one who encourages this approach to life either. Scholars like Plato and Aristotle also talk about walking into every situation “willing the good of the other,” which as Emba points out, just might lead to less casual sex, since it’s awfully difficult to know what’s good for someone without, well, knowing them.

“Less casual sex” might sound boring, judgy, or like a step “backward,” but ultimately it seems to be the way young people are leaning more and more as they reflect on what truly matters to them–choosing only to have sex when it aligns with your values and won’t contribute to harmful aspects of casual sex culture. If you too are considering whether or not you want to participate in casual sex culture, or even wrestling with pornography addiction, reach out to a Hope Coach. We’re always here to listen without judgment and remind you that you’re loved, no matter what you’re wrestling with.

For more about sex and intimacy read, "Why Do I Have a Sex Drive?"

Have you ever wondered why many people develop a sex drive far before they are mature enough to have sex and before they are ready for a committed relationship? Wouldn’t it be better to suddenly develop a desire for sex on our wedding night? Wouldn’t that save us a lot of trouble? 

What exactly is a sex drive, you ask? It’s a complicated answer, but let’s try our best to define it. Having a sex drive means:

You want to have sex with someone.

I know, it’s profound.

So, God gave us a desire to have sex with people. Brilliant. The question now is, why? Why give us a burning desire to unite ourselves with another human being? To start off, I want us to understand why God made us this way. I like to say that there are three B/s that explain why we have a sex drive.

What to Know About Sex Drive

The First B, if You Will, Is to Make Babies

When you have sex, you can make a baby. How do I know that? Many hours of research. Actually, I happen to have four babies, so I know a thing or two about it.

God gave us a sex drive so that we would want to procreate. There are many things that could prevent us from choosing to have babies- financial security, career, independence, wanting a full night’s sleep- but when it comes down to it, we were meant to have children. This was God’s command for us: to be fruitful and multiply. He designed us in such a way that it would be natural for us to do it. He enjoys giving children to families as a blessing, and as a way of redemption. We see this throughout scripture with the stories of Abraham and Isaac, Hagar, and Ishmael, and Hannah, and Samuel, just to name a few. He gave babies to barren couples who had no possible way to conceive. The Savior of the world even came through a blessing that God bestowed on Mary when He miraculously put life into her womb. What an honor for her to carry Jesus and raise Him in our world. The greatest blessings come in small packages: babies.

Without a sex drive, we would be deterred from choosing a partner, bonding with them for life, and having children. The connection, intimacy, and pleasure we are rewarded with when we listen to our sex drive are important and highly motivational. Without them, we might not have a desire to even be in a relationship with people, let alone procreate with them.

The Second B is Beauty

In the book of Proverbs, Solomon, the wisest person in history says: “There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman.” To him, there was something inexplicably beautiful that occurred between the two.

Here’s the deal: the devil did not create sex. Justin Timberlake is not bringing sexy back. God created sex. God is the sexiest being alive. He knows what’s sexy. He knows how we were made and He knows what we need to have. He knows what looks right, what feels right, and how we are to experience sex without shame, condemnation, naivety, or pain. He created all of this for us as a beautiful thing to explore. You’ve probably heard “The devil can’t create anything new, he can only pervert it.” He’s been trying for a very long time to redefine sex, twist and recreate it, but no one else can define sex for us the way that God has.

What the devil can’t recreate is what happens when a man and woman have a sexual encounter in covenant. He cannot create beauty. He cannot create wonder, mystery, or glory. He can try to diminish it lie to you, and say it’s not a big deal. He can try to get you to connect with a bunch of people and become desensitized to it. What he cannot do is recreate the beauty of what happens when two bodies come together. The intimacy of two becoming one cannot be counterfeited. He will always try to bring a counterfeit, but there’s a real sexual encounter that God intended for you to have. It’s meant to be fulfilling, healthy and happy, and part of who He is. It’s supposed to be glorious!

Having a desire and a yearning for another- our spouse, in particular- is a beautiful thing. Being together in extreme intimacy and ultimate pleasure is beautiful. I believe that for God, there’s nothing more beautiful than this.

The Third B Is Bonding

Matthew 19:4-6 says:

“Haven’t you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves his father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart.” (MSG)

Our sex drive allows us to connect with our spouse and create a bond for life. It’s the glue that seals together. As much as we’d like to think we’re rubber and people can just bounce off of us, the reality is that when we have sexual encounters, we’re being glued together. There’s a bonding that occurs that supersedes a mere skin-to-skin connection. Scientifically, we know that it engages us hormonally, neurologically, and psychologically; it forms intense bonds mentally, emotionally and physically, especially when we do it over and over again.

Whether we know it or not, sex touches our whole being. Many of us already know this because we’ve experienced how we become deeply attached to the people we’re intimate with. You might not even like someone that you’ve been involved with, but you feel as though you love them. You feel like you can’t live without them. it’s because of the intimacy, history, and connection you’ve shared. It’s like we become addicted to them. Did you know that this was God’s plan from the start? God designed us this way so that we would be faithful, committed, and loyal to our spouse in a way that defies will and emotion.

For more on sex and intimacy, read this article on rethinking casual sex.

Originally published on Moral Revolution.

Family dynamics are always tricky. There’s no such thing as a “perfect” parent, but when a parent is toxic, that takes a toll on everyone: spouse, children, friends, and even extended family. We talk a lot about healthy boundaries here at TheHopeLine, but it can be incredibly difficult to maintain healthy boundaries with a toxic parent, especially if you still live with them. Let’s talk about how you can determine your way forward in an unhealthy relationship with one or more parents.

How to Handle a Toxic Parent

How Do You Know if Your Parent Is Toxic?

Simply disagreeing with you doesn’t make a parent toxic. Your relationship with your parents can be tense or even strained without having true toxicity involved. Sometimes it just takes a little time and work to heal and strengthen family dynamics, especially between parents and children who have different points of view because they’re members of different generations.

A truly toxic parent will exhibit some or all of the following behaviors:

• Highly reactive. Your parent explodes suddenly and perhaps unexpectedly instead of responding appropriately to situations.
• Blames others. Nothing is ever your parent’s fault, and they rarely, if ever, apologize.
• Lacks empathy. They don’t seem to care about your feelings or the feelings of others.
• Controls everything. They allow you no privacy or have unreasonable demands of your behavior.
• Critical and negative. Compares you to others and is never satisfied with your performance.
• Never listens. They don’t let you get a word in edgewise, or they ignore what you say.
• Uses guilt trips. They try to make you feel bad about things that aren’t your fault or make you responsible for their emotions.
• Addiction problems. Even if they’re wonderful when they’re sober, their misbehavior when they are in the throes of addiction makes for a toxic home environment. Inconsistent parenting is a form of toxic parenting, because it leaves the rest of the family without a feeling of stability in the home.
• Abuse. If you’re not sure whether your parent’s behavior qualifies as “abuse,” check out our article that explains different types of abuse, like physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect.

Note: It can be confusing to tell the difference between a toxic parent and an emotionally abusive one. Often, emotional abuse is involved in a toxic relationship, making those terms interchangeable. If your parent’s behavior doesn’t seem to be aimed at hurting you or anyone else, but still creates a negative or chaotic home environment, that’s toxicity and should be addressed in much the same way as emotional abuse would be.

How to Set Boundaries With Toxic Parents

1. Reduce your exposure to them when you can. If you still live with and rely on the toxic parent, this could look like arranging more sleepovers with friends or signing up for more extracurricular activities to keep you busy and away from home. If you’re able to, consider asking another close (and healthy) family member if you can live with them. If you don’t live with the toxic parent anymore, you can limit your contact with them–decide on a set number of times per week or month you are willing to talk to them and for how long.

2. Practice emotional detachment. Your toxic parent relies on the idea that they can control you and your feelings. If you learn to separate your emotions from their toxic behaviors, you can distance yourself from the emotional stress of living with them. They can’t push your buttons if you have no buttons to push.

3. Don’t try to change them. Only they can see and correct their behavior, and it is not your responsibility to try and help them or get them to see their problem.

4. Create your own privacy. Be very selective about how much time and information you share with your parent.

5. Decide whether the relationship is salvageable. Do you feel like once you learned to set boundaries, your relationship improved? Or are you still subject to toxic, emotionally abusive situations?

6. If necessary, consider going no contact with your toxic parent. If you still live in their house, talk to a counselor or another trusted adult about your options for moving out of the home.

How Can You Care for Your Own Mental Health?

Now that you’ve started to set boundaries, it’s time to start focusing on healing. Try some of the following things as you start moving forward:

• Acknowledge that you’ve been hurt and healing takes time. When you live with someone who is supposed to love you but can only think of themselves, you begin to believe over time that you do not matter. This “loss of self” is one of the most devastating impacts of toxic parenting. You end up either not really knowing your own self or hating yourself. Slowly but surely, having healthier boundaries will give you the chance to learn about yourself, who you are, what you like and dislike, and how special you are.
• Therapy or counseling - learning to identify, connect with, and accept your own feelings is crucial when you’ve been raised in a household with someone who doesn’t respect you. Growing up with a toxic parent can be a factor in developing mental health issues like anxiety, depression, PTSD, and CPTSD as well. With the help of a professional, you can get a better idea of what you need and how to heal.
• Surround yourself with other healthy relationships. Choose friendships that uplift you, make you happy, and support your healing journey. Be careful about getting involved with anyone else who exhibits similar toxic behaviors as your parent does.
• Turning to spirituality could be another rich resource for you. Learning more about who you are in God’s eyes and your value as a unique creation can be a significant step in rebuilding your self-image. Consider some of these passages that encourage self-acceptance.
• If you can convince your parent, consider family therapy. Individual therapy is crucial, but family therapy could be an excellent addition to your healing journey. A family counselor can help you and your parent work through the specific problems that make your home toxic and how to improve them.
• Consider forgiveness–hate hurts you, not them. Though it makes perfect sense to feel hatred toward your toxic parent, ultimately hatred doesn’t hurt anyone but you. It eats away at you and leaves you still in their control. You don’t even have to tell them they’re forgiven! You just need to give your heart total freedom from your toxic parent.

For more ideas, check out another of our articles about how to cope with and heal from a toxic family environment. Remember that you can still love your parents, even if you don’t like them very much. Setting boundaries, maintaining them, and taking care of yourself does not mean that you’re betraying them. It just means that you’re mature enough to recognize the unhealthy dynamic at play and adult enough not to settle for it.

There’s Hope - Break the Cycle

You are not your parents. You don’t have to perpetuate their behaviors. There is a future for you that looks healthier and happier than what you’re experiencing now. God assures us that we can have hope and that there can always be healing. With the Healer, you are never alone, so don’t give up or isolate. If you don’t know who to talk to or what to do about your current situation, reach out to a Hope Coach today. We’re always here to listen without judgment and help connect you with resources that can help with your situation.

For more on signs of verbal abuse from parents, read "My Parents' Verbal Abuse Has Made Me Hate Myself".

Today, there seem to be many perspectives on therapy. Fortunately, the stigma of therapy seems to be wearing off as mental health awareness continues to grow and the effects of mental illness are frequently seen on our televisions, computers, and throughout our daily lives. However, even though the stigma of therapy has faded, there does appear to be numerous confusing and competing ideas still present.

How to Know You Need Professional Counseling

Grit

For example, grit is a big topic of the day. Grit, simply defined, is using passion as motivation to move forward in life, especially in the face of adversity. Grit understood correctly is a valuable attribute of a successful, healthy individual. However, when the definition of grit is applied incorrectly, it can reinforce old stereotypes and uphold destructive stigmas of the past. Even though grit is a deeply personal attribute, it should not isolate us. Equally, grit is not another way to communicate the old adage “Just pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.”

Victim Mentality

The other side of the spectrum is when a victim mentality is promoted. This perspective is displayed when people describe themselves or others as always the victim of the system or others’ behaviors. There seems to be a sense of unbridling of responsibility as well as innate helplessness attached to this mentality. This avenue takes agency away from the individual, and individuals spend most of their time fixated on the problem, without moving forward in life.

Reaching Out For Help

Like most issues, the answer falls somewhere in the middle. We are made to need others, and for decades research has shown therapy is a crucial tool for our mental health. With ideas out there that are so different, how are we to know if we need to seek professional help? Well, to be honest, there are innumerable reasons to seek professional help. With that understanding, this is not an exhaustive list; rather, these are 5 issues that I have consistently seen in my professional career. Here are 5 signs it’s time to seek professional help:

Five Signs It's Time to Seek Professional Help

1. Feeling Down Most of the Day

This one seems obvious, but it is a symptom that so many of us neglect or ignore. We all have seasons in life where we are sad or depressed. However, we were not created to feel sad for an unusual amount of time. Our minds and bodies have a difficult time when this occurs, and we should seek help when these feelings persist.

2. Diminished Interest in Pleasurable Activities

The Psalmist describes life with the Lord as “In your presence is fullness of pleasure.” Pleasure in life is not a bad thing; rather, we are made to seek pleasure in this life, not as the world seeks it, of course, but pleasure through the Lord. Many times, seeking pleasure is misinterpreted. We think the normal Christian life is a life of a suffering servant described in Isaiah 52 and 53. Or, like Job, a life with many afflictions just around the corner; however, these examples are exceptional circumstances and should not be understood as normal. That is not to say, we do not see trouble in this world. We, as believers, should have pleasure in life, and when pleasure is not the norm or it’s difficult to come by, then it could be a good indicator that there is a need for a change.

3. Excessive Fatigue or Loss of Energy

Especially if symptoms occur with other symptoms of mental health issues, being persistently tired can be an indicator that there is a need to seek help. Many times, fatigue can be a lesser-acknowledged issue, but if you have trouble getting out of bed, even when you have had an appropriate amount of sleep, or if you feel exhausted during the day, take frequent naps, or tiredness and sleepiness persist throughout the day, this could be a marker that you need to seek help.

4. Loss of Loved Ones or Great Disappointments

Too often, we have trouble admitting we need help, especially during traumatic events in life. Remember, even though he described some of his friends as “miserable comforters,” the spiritual giant, Job, needed support in his time of mourning. Jesus himself sought the disciples’ prayers of support during his foreboding of the cross. When we lose loved ones, or we suffer disappointments of personal or professional significance, we need to pay close attention to our feelings and behaviors. If we are experiencing excessive and prolonged sadness, feelings of worthlessness, changes in eating habits, insomnia or hypersomnia, weight loss or gain, these are signs of needing professional support.

5. Inability to Think or Concentrate

So many times mental health issues can manifest as an inability to concentrate or cloudiness. This can lead to significant issues with productivity at work, school, relationship with parents, or healthy functioning in any other relationship or responsibility. Some people report that when they go through traumatic events they have no other symptoms other than a loss of concentration. Therefore, if you are having these issues that are significantly affecting your professional or personal life, then it might be a strong indicator that there is something underlying that needs addressing.

Compounding factors of trauma may make it very difficult to know when and how to get help. It can be tough to walk through trauma and maintain a healthy perspective. This is why it is imperative that we use the support of others. If you are having any of the issues above or any other issues that are keeping you from a healthy, full, engaged life, it is helpful to seek advice from trusted people in your life and schedule a session with a professional counselor.

Now more than ever, help is available. From traditional counseling agencies to more telehealth options, there are people who are ready to help you get to a healthier place.

For free telemental health counseling, visit The Agape Center, a faith-based organization that provides outpatient therapy for youth and adults. 

This article was originally posted by Dr. Booke Keels, Counseling and Outreach Advisor at Mercy Multiplied.

How to Heal a Broken Heart

Ways to Mend Your Broken Heart After a Breakup

Whether you’re letting go of a toxic relationship or parting ways with a strong love that met bad timing, it can be difficult to move on. While you may be tempted to wallow in your pajamas and obsessively check your ex’s Snapchat story to see what they’re up to, that may not be the ideal way to mend your broken heart.

Finding positive self-care activities will be key to moving on from this relationship and finally feeling like yourself again.

1. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship. Give yourself a little bit of time to truly process what happened instead of avoiding the issues at hand. It’s okay to feel sad or angry – this is a difficult time. By working through your feelings now, you’ll come out of this situation stronger. Consider talking to someone you trust or journaling to work through your feelings about the end of this relationship.

2. Get rid of painful reminders. You likely have accumulated a lot of items that remind you of your ex. Return items that they have left behind and think about parting ways with reminders of your former partner like framed photos. If you are trying to feel better but keep getting reminded of the breakup every time you see certain items around your house it will be difficult to move forward. Keep in mind these reminders might also be digital. Changing your phone’s lock screen from that adorable selfie with your ex to your pet or a photo with friends will keep you from dwelling on the breakup every time you use your phone.
Letting go of these painful reminders can feel really freeing as you work to move on.

3. Unfollow your ex on social media. Even if you both agreed to “stay friends”, seeing your ex posting about their fun adventures and moving on without you is never fun. Unfollowing your ex will keep those painful reminders out of your social feed so you can focus more on yourself. You can always follow them back later if you truly remain friends but take a little bit of time for yourself first! Struggling to resist the temptation of checking their profile? You can always do a full digital detox and put your phone away for a while.

4. Make plans with friends. Going through a tough time alone can be difficult. Lean on your friends – that’s what your support system is for! They may have gone through a similar situation and can provide some helpful advice or could just be an ear to listen. It will also be a nice distraction to do something with a friend rather than sitting at home alone dwelling on your recent breakup. For self-care ideas, you can do with friends, read more here.

5. Address negative self-talk. We all have a tendency to criticize ourselves, but this can be especially true after a breakup. You might be thinking there is something wrong with you because someone else didn’t want to be with you. Or you might be down on yourself because this relationship ending means you won’t make some life goal you set for yourself, like wanting to be married by a certain age. However, negative self-talk can be very destructive, sometimes even contributing to using unhealthy means to change things about ourselves. The best way to address self-criticisms is to think about saying it to a friend. If your friend had their heart broken, would you tell her it’s probably because “She’s too fat” or “She’s unlovable”? Of course not! We are much harder on ourselves than other people. Remember to be kind to yourself.

6. Find comfort during this uncomfortable time. When you are in a relationship, you often find comfort in your partner by venting to them after a long day of work or crying on their shoulder when you feel like you failed a test. But now that comfort isn’t there anymore. Take care of yourself during this difficult time by finding some comfort in other ways. And I don’t necessarily mean throwing on the sweatpants! Watching some episodes of your favorite show or cooking your mom’s traditional recipes can be a great way to feel comfort right now.

7. Find confidence.  Any time you go through a breakup it can impact your confidence. While it might not be a good idea to dye your hair a crazy color or get an impulsive tattoo that you’ll regret later, making a few small changes to your look can give you a major confidence boost. You can also boost your confidence by improving a skill or finding a new hobby. Spend time exercising. Learn something new by doing online research or reading a book to connect with something your passionate about.

8. Prepare to move on. It’s important to take the time you need to heal before jumping into another relationship. But once you feel ready to move on it can help to do a little self-reflection first. Think through what went wrong with your previous relationship. Even the worst relationships can teach you something, like what you definitely DON’T want in a relationship. Make note of what qualities you are looking for in a future partner and what issues you have discovered are deal-breakers for you. Take this information with you as you begin the search for new love. If your relationship ended in betrayal or cheating, you might be feeling hesitant to trust someone again. Try to identify the red flags in that relationship and arm yourself with that knowledge as you begin dating again.

Those are the 8 self-care ideas to soothe your heart and mind after a breakup.

Breaking up with someone or having your heart broken is always difficult to move past. However, with the self-care tips in this post, you can avoid self-destructive tendencies and begin healing.

While it may feel impossible to move past this right now, you will feel better eventually and find love again. Be patient with yourself and remember that the pain you are feeling right now means the relationship was worth having, even though it’s not right for your future path.

About the author...Erin Amborski is a self-care enthusiast and blogger. In her blog, Self Care Seeker, Erin helps women through their self-care journeys by writing about physical and mental health topics such as exercise, skincare, anxiety, etc. In today’s world with life’s daily stresses, we could all use a little more self-care.

You fell in love and got hurt, now what do you do? Download our free eBook with steps to get over a broken heart to help you heal, cope and love again.

My Addiction Story

My name is Joshua and this is my story:

I talked to a Hope Coach a few years ago and I just wanted to thank you so much! The Hope Coach helped me change my life. It was about 3 years ago and I just wanted to give an update.

I was a drug user and had lost hope in my life.

I didn't know what to do about my drug issue and my girlfriend, at the time, was cheating on me and so I chatted with a Hope Coach. Now, I have been sober for 1 year and 3 months and I am a full-time student in a bible college.

I'm single and I am so happy with my life. I didn't finish high school but I'm getting my GED. I'm also helping in my church's youth as a leader and I'm going to help kids that have been where I was.

When I talked to the Hope Coach, they helped me change my life - instead of losing my life in prison and ending up dead. Now, I'm helping people with their everyday problems. Just to see the joy they get, makes my heart feel so good! Thank you for helping me! -Joshua

For help with hurt, pain, or addiction of any kind find a Celebrate Recovery group near you.