And maybe you have asked yourself, "Do I have it?" On my radio show I so often hear these types of statements:
"I keep reliving the time I was raped."
"I don't feel anything anymore, I have no emotions. I'm just numb after all the abuse I went through."
"I'm constantly on edge. I can't ever let my guard down ever since I was in that horrific car accident."
These are just a few of the different faces of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
PTSD is often associated with those who serve in the military and rightfully so. Since 2002 over 100,000 military members have been diagnosed with PTSD. But PTSD can affect anyone who has gone through a terrifying experience that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is the pain of reliving the trauma over and over.
Since I hear the symptoms of PTSD discussed quite frequently on my radio show, I felt it would be very worthwhile to talk about this disorder today. As with everything knowledge is power and understanding is half the battle.
Symptoms of PTSD can include sudden increase in heart rate, rapid breathing or difficulty catching your breath, fear, panic, despair, and anxiety, with changes in mood happening suddenly after a stress trigger. The most common and pronounced symptom of PTSD is flashbacks, which make you feel like you’re reliving a harmful or traumatic experience. The good news is that there are plenty of effective treatments for PTSD that your doctor and therapist can recommend.
Now, if you know someone who has experienced a terrifying event, the role YOU play in supporting them will be key. So I'd like to offer the "support people" some advice as well:
ALWAYS remember there is HOPE. Here are a number of resources to support you in your journey:
Need someone to talk to about what is going on? My HopeCoaches are ready to chat online with you 7 days a week. It's a free and confidential live chat with a HopeCoach to help you with anything that is going on in your life. They are here to listen and support you without judgment.
People of all ages are living crazy busy lives these days. It may not be that we do more things than before; it's just that life happens faster and faster. Can't explain the physics of that, but I sure feel it. And so, when given a break to stop everything for the summer or a holiday some people begin to go a little stir crazy. Are you finding yourself with too much downtime now?
When we are at school, life can be non-stop between studying, constant interaction with friends, and extra-curricular activities. Then suddenly you are on break and it all stops. Let's see if I've imagined a typical day during a break from school. You are stuck at home, missing your friends, and killing time by tweeting, texting, checking in with FB, watching Netflix or YouTube videos, playing video games, etc. How closely does that describe your day?
This might be fun for a while, but eventually, you get bored and then what? Have you heard the saying Idle hands are the devil's playground? It's found in the Bible and there's a ton of truth in it. If you don't know what to do with all your newfound time and boredom is creeping in, it can suddenly be very tempting to fill your time with trouble because trouble is often easy and accessible. Whether it's drinking, drugs, pornography, vandalism, bullying, gossiping, etc., you are entering a slippery slope.
Trust me, I know. I've heard the story countless times. When asked, Why did you do that? The answer is often, I was bored and wanted some excitement. And then when facing the consequences, Was it worth it? Inevitably the answer is, No. So if you find yourself with too much downtime I have 10 ways to help you beat boredom and have fun!
If you want to avoid this pattern, you might need to put a little effort in, but I've got some ideas for you. The first step might be go offline for a while. I know it's hard to live a normal life knowing that you might be missing something on social media. But think about doing this: Just post a message saying, going offline for a while, and then do something totally outside your normal life. Everyone will wonder what in the world you are up to. Not only will you have something interesting to talk about when you reappear, you may even be considered cool for doing this. If you shut down your cell phone, the boredom factor might escalate quickly. So, you've got to find something to do fast.
Whether or not you go off-line, here are some ideas about non-typical things to do.
1. Random Acts of Anything. I know a guy who systematically forces randomness into his life. He and his wife go to the movie theater on the first Thursday for each month and buy tickets to the very next show, no matter what it is. Every time he goes on a business trip, he closes his eyes and picks one magazine off the newsstand for every hour of flight time. There are some oddities about this guy, but he is never bored or boring.
2. Random Acts of Kindness. Find ways to give back to others. Is there a place you can volunteer? If you need a list of ideas, click here. Or you could offer to help around your own house. Can you even imagine how your mom or dad might respond, if you said, is there something that I can do to help out?
3. Uncharacteristic Entertainment. You can't beat a good book. Don't like to read? Check out an audiobook. Check out an audiobook at the library or download from iTunes. And hey, this could not only be fun, but you might be able to use it for a book report later on. Nothing like reading/listening to a thriller to pass the time.
4. Journal Like Crazy. Even though you may not think the story of your life will be a NY Times bestseller, you'll be really glad one day that you wrote things down. Though you don't realize it now, you'll be surprised how many great experiences you'll forget. You also might discover you have some interesting thoughts that were worth documenting.
5. De-junk. A break from school is a great time to go through your stuff and get rid of the junk. Simplifying and downsizing always make me feel better.
6. Start a Conversation. Have you ever asked a grandparent a question about their past? Something like, what was the most exciting thing you've ever done? Or how about, If you were 18 and had your life to live over again, what would you do? You never know what you might find out. Maybe some wisdom, maybe just some humor, but it could be fun, and they will be touched you took the time to talk to them.
7. Reconnect with Nature: There is something about being outside that is good for the soul. Find hiking trails or bike trails in your community. Go fishing or swimming in a lake.
8. Read the Bible What are you filling your mind with? What if you filled it with words from the Bible? Spend a little time reading about how much God loves you, His promises to you and His guide for living a life that brings peace.
9. Learn a new skill/hobby. What interests you? Whatever it is, I'm sure you can find a tutorial on YouTube that will teach you how. Does music interest you? You can get a cheap Ukulele and teach yourself to play. Crafts learn to knit or find a reclaimed woodshop and create something cool. Sports look up drills that will help you increase your skills. Baking, find awesome recipes and cook for your friends or family. And the list goes on.
10. Get in shape. Having some downtime is the perfect time to focus on exercising. Set some manageable expectations for yourself and try to achieve them. Today I am going to run a half mile. Or whatever is right for you. Train for a 5k race. Click here to find a race in your area. You will feel great about yourself! You can also find many Apps or videos with workout regimens that can match your ability.
How's that to get you started? The cool thing about all of these ideas is that they will help you grow as a person and enhance your life. I know that many of you struggle with hating yourself or not feeling good enough. Achieving goals, helping others, and learning new skills will help you feel great about yourself.
If you have other ideas of what to do with your idle time during breaks from school, please share them by commenting back below. Tell us about a new skill you learned or a goal you accomplished.
I've had a few fears about writing this blog. I've been afraid it would become too heavy, and few people would read it. Then I received your incredible, meaningful, questions on Father Hunger. I realized then, trying to find healing from Father Hunger is a big, big deal.
Then I received a comment from Danielle, and it rocked my world. She said, "When I was 11-13 my dad never even talked to me. He would tell me I looked and acted too much like my mom (who had just left him) so he wanted nothing to do with me. I went online and started getting into major trouble. Phone sex, cyber-sex, webcam shows, you name it I did it."
If this blog helps one person like Danielle, it's worth it. So how does one go about getting healed from Father Hunger? And how do you deal with father hunger? I have a few ideas and your comments gave me some more.
1. Every person who overcame Father Hunger had to first overcome denial.
Denial is an unconscious defense mechanism used to reduce anxiety. By denying thoughts, feelings, or facts that are consciously intolerable, we attempt to protect ourselves. No one wants to think about or have those awful feelings of being neglected, rejected, or even abandoned. So, it is very easy, when it comes to Father Hunger, to pretend the hurt that comes from a broken relationship with him doesn't really matter.
The only problem is denial only works for a little while, and then the hurt comes back, and usually even stronger. There is a saying from the Bible that goes, you can't heal a wound by saying it's not there! It's kind of like finding out you have Cancer. The doctor tells you if you don't have an operation, you will die soon. Yes, the surgery will hurt, but at least you will live. Emotionally, healing can't really begin until we admit the painful truth that Father Hunger is real.
2. Don't react to Father Hunger by acting out and thereby making matters much worse.
It's easy to overreact to the kind of pain Father Hunger brings. Sometimes people who have Father Hunger lash out in rebellion. Others look for any kind of medication they can find to try to make the pain go away. But acting out to solve Father Hunger never works.
I received a comment from a really honest girl named Rheagan. What she had to say stopped me in my tracks. Her father really hurt her sister and her. "He left us with a shovel and no direction on how to fill a huge hole. It seems we're using guys over and over and hurting them by tossing them away and going for another one different trying to see as if maybe, like a puzzle, the piece will fit in. Sometimes you get a piece that is almost right, but the edge is different and the only piece that fits is the father. Without him, we keep searching trying to find it, without realizing the piece is hidden."
Tossing guys away and purposely hurting them is a wrong response to Father Hunger. And as I have said all along, giving in to guys isn't the answer either. Take a look at the comment I received from Juli, "A lady who goes to schools and talks about abstinence holds up two hearts cut out of foil then she crumples them together. She makes everyone laugh by saying 'I bet you've never seen foil having sex!' After she takes them a part, she tries to make them look smooth again, but she can't. It means that even if we don't think it does, sex does something to crumple our heart. We need to protect our heart as much as possible."
Then I received a comment from Cali. I was stunned by her anger. "They say that you hurt the ones you love most. Well then in that case I guess my dad loves me to death!"
Trying to cover the pain by rage, sex, drugs, self-harm or any other false feel good never works. In fact, acting out can cause more hurt to ourselves than even what our fathers may have done to us. If you are acting out, you need to stop. You're only making matters much worse. And in the end, the only one you're hurting is yourself.
Colleen's father was abusive and so she turned to cutting to numb the pain, but she got help from a HopeCoach. Read Colleen's story of HOPE here.
Let's talk next about "Reaching out for a Father."
TheHopeLine has put together an Ebook on self-worth. Click the link to download it for free. You matter!
There are many ways that an absent father can affect people. It differs based on the circumstances of your father's absence and can include depression, grief, loneliness, low self-worth and anger.
However, one area not a lot of people talk about is sexual promiscuity. I am saddened when I hear about so many girls who thought they were in love become devastated by giving in to guys when it wasn't love at all. So why do girls give in to guys?
Father Hunger is a deep longing that comes into our lives when there is little or no closeness between us and our fathers. This longing causes us to crave a father figure to fill that role.
What does Father Hunger have to do with girls giving in to guys? Leah, in her comment, answers that question, "Girls who have poor relationships with their fathers easily give into sex because they are looking for something or someone to fill the void their father has left."
Few of us have any idea the impact fathers play in our lives, for good or for bad. We are emotionally hardwired to be loved and accepted by our dads. I was blessed with a great father who loved and accepted me. When he died, I was devastated. I still miss him greatly and think about him every day. He made a profound impact on my life. One thing fathers are designed to do is be a role model on how to relate to the opposite sex.
As Derek said, "Women who don't have good relationships with their fathers never get to see how a man should treat women, and especially the woman he loves. Without this basis for how a relationship should go, they are lost and confused."
Maybe your father failed to be a role model in your life and never taught you how to relate to the opposite sex. Without his example and encouragement, you could easily be confused and vulnerable to some guys who only want to use you. Father Hunger can easily cause an intense craving in you to be accepted and loved by a father figure. It's easy to confuse that craving with what you think is love. Sex without love and commitment (marriage) never meets needs, it only uncovers them. A guy named Michael wrote one of the most insightful thoughts I have read in a long time: "Since some girls never got the right attention from their fathers, they want to get the wrong attention from their boyfriend."
King Solomon, whose been called the wisest man in the Bible, said this:
When you're hungry, even what tastes bitter tastes good.
Sex without commitment will never solve your Father Hunger. In fact, it will only make matters much worse. Father Hunger is so deep it can only be filled a lot of work and the grace of God.
The pressure to have sex without commitment (marriage) is great. First of all, there is your own natural and healthy emotional and sexual attraction. Then the culture glamorizes it and tells you it's okay. Next, there is a lie so many believe which says, "Sex is love." So, if you think you are in love, it's only normal to have sex. Plus, at one time or another, you will probably be pressured to give in. Finally, there's the incredible emotional cravings of father hunger that causes you to long to fill your need (good or bad). That makes you more susceptible to destructive sex. That's a lot of pressure. As Kendra put it, "When a girl is hurt in life by her father the daughter will search the rest of her life for love from a man. She needs a strong male figure in her life, but without a dad to show her what a real man is, she will fall for any trick of the trade."
Some girls have great relationships with their fathers and still give in to guys. Others have very poor, or no relationships with their fathers and never give in. So how do you stay strong? Someone once said, If you want to be happy, know yourself and know your God. As you understand yourself better, it will be easier for you to protect yourself not only from some guy who may want to use you, but also from your own weaknesses.
I am totally in your corner. That's why I've told you the truth. We all need to understand ourselves better, and together face difficult issues like Father Hunger. Check out my blog on "How to Deal with Father Hunger"
I've spent quite a bit of time talking about dealing with Father Hunger. There was so much more I've wanted to say. I mean we could spend hours talking about this important issue. So, I want to add a couple more thoughts about it. Make sure you read this blog, How to Deal with Father Hunger. It will help this blog make more sense.
1. If you are suffering from Father Hunger, then it's important, if at all possible, talk to your father about it. That may be impossible for you because you may not even know who or where your birth father is. But if you can contact him and it's safe, it's really important you communicate with him. I received a comment from Sandra this week that made a lot of sense.
Someone who is suffering from father hunger should have a talk with their father about their feelings. However, some fathers don't even want to take the time to listen to [their] child who is [dying] inside of pain I can't guarantee that it will work, but most of the time it does, and he will probably take the time to think about all this and will want to retry the father-daughter or son relationship.
I agree with Sandra. Trying to talk to your father may not work, but it's worth a try. Maybe he won't respond to you the way you hoped he would, but at least you will have a clear conscience knowing you have done everything in your power to make peace with him.
When you communicate with your father, you need to first build him up and thank him for whatever he has done for you, even if it's something very small or insignificant. I am a father, and I know from experience every father craves to be respected by their children, even if they have done horrible things. I mean, think of it. Your father has a lot of hurts too. He, no doubt, didn't have the best relationship with his father either. That is not to excuse what he has done or failed to do. It just means he needs your compassion and love too.
You may want to write out how you feel about your hurt and your relationship with him. Sometimes it's easier for fathers to read about how you feel rather than hear it directly face to face. You may want to ask your mother, or another relative, what they think is the best way to confront your father. Confronting your father will not be easy, but it could do wonders for your relationship, and help you grow as a person.
2. If you suffer from Father Hunger, begin to look for a stand-in father. You may think a stand-in father won't work for you, but I have talked to many students over the years where a substitute father or mentor has made all the difference in the world. Just knowing someone really cares for you can make a huge difference.
Laura's comment says it all: I have gotten the chance to get closer to my band director at school. He has helped me so much this year. He is like a dad to me.
But how does one go about finding a father figure? Morgan sent me some great advice: I think they should take a good, long look at their Father Hunger and ask themselves, "Is this solvable?" If it's possible to talk to their fathers about their Father Hunger, do so!! If not, I think they should go to a grandpa, uncle, or even an older brother they know loves them, and just spend time with them. Chat with them. Go to lunch with them. Everything that those suffering from Father Hunger would want to do with their dad (like go out to lunch, play sports, play a board game, etc)..It certainly wouldn't replace their dad, but it would bring some love from a male father figure into their life and fill some of that void.
Another idea in finding a stand-in father is to go to your church or place of worship. Find an older woman whom you trust and ask her to help you find a father figure. She will more likely know who would be the best stand-in father figure at your church you can trust.
I am writing this blog today for young adults out there who actually think it might be worthwhile to wait until they are married to have sex. Not an easy decision to make. One that may have caused you to be ridiculed or broken up with or question your own sanity.
But let me encourage you that you are NOT alone. I believe that there are actually many teens and young adults who are making the decision to wait until they are married to have sex. If this is a choice you are making, I simply want to provide you with a little support to stay the course.
First, I would point out to anyone who is judging you for making a personal choice to wait until marriage that they are completely closed-minded. They might consider themselves open-minded to the ways of the world, but in reality, they are only open-minded to people who think as they do and closed-minded to someone who might be making different choices for themselves and their body.
I am aware that others of you may be thinking, "Great another out-of-touch blog that is going to tell me to wait to have sex until I'm married. Anyone who would even suggest that is old-fashioned and backward. I mean, if everyone is having sex, it must be just fine and totally worth it. It's only 'really religious' kids who feel guilty about having sex that would actually wait."
If that's what you are thinking, you are free to stop reading because below I am going to give 10 reasons why it might actually be worth it to wait. Not passing judgment on anyone, just thinking it through. If you are a bit curious about what reasons I might have come up with, keep reading.
For those of you who believe that saving sex for marriage may have some value, have you ever struggled to explain your choice to those who question you? Here are some of my thoughts on the subject.
Then you could give them one or more of these reasons...
1. I live without fear of getting a Sexually Transmitted Disease. Did you know that there are 30 different diseases you can get from your sexual partner? Diseases that lead to cancer, infertility when you are older, and just plain gross stuff you need to deal with for the REST of your life. NO THANKS! Read more about STD's here.
2. I don't have to worry about becoming a parent before I'm ready.
3. I can live without regret from bad choices, or 'in-the-moment' decisions because I set a standard for myself ahead of time and was prepared to stick with it.
4. I have a high view of my body and I believe that what I choose to do with it matters.
5. I believe sex is an act of COMPLETELY giving yourself to someone, and that is something I want to save for my future spouse.
6. I believe God designed sex for marriage for a reason. He says that when people have sex, they become one body and I only want to become one with one person. He designed sex to be fun but tells us to keep it within marriage because He knows that will protect us. Click here to read more of what God says about sex.
7. I want my future marriage to succeed. Statistics show that those who save sex for marriage are more likely to succeed in marriage. It stands to reason that those who have always been sexually self-indulgent and have no practice in self-restraint will have a tougher time staying faithful.
8. I'm saving myself from extreme heartbreak and emotional baggage because sex builds a deep emotional bond with someone. So when a break-up occurs it is doubly painful. Read more about this in my other blog, "A Condom for the Heart".
9. By not rushing into sex, I have the time to really get to know the person I'm dating and build a relationship on more than physical intimacy because sex alone is never enough to hold a relationship together.
10. I know that real love will wait to have sex and I don't want to confuse sex for love and end up having my self-esteem beat up when the relationship ends.
Any one of these 10 reasons might be a sufficient enough explanation for why you have chosen to wait, but altogether they seem to form a pretty convincing argument that there may be value in waiting.
If you have already had sex and are thinking this blog is of no use to you, I want you to know that it's NEVER too late to make a commitment to save sex for marriage from this point forward.
If you want more reasons to save sex for marriage here's a page with videos, articles, eBooks, radio calls, and more!
It's hard to be a parent. But to be a single parent, is even more challenging. If you are a single parent trust me when I say, you are definitely not alone! There are nearly 14 million single parents in the US, and a vast majority of the load of raising their kids is being carried by the mothers. Many people I talk to on my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, are single mothers simply trying to find ways to cope. Trying to find ways to bring in enough money, take care of the responsibilities of a house or apartment, and still allow their children to have the life they long for them to have. It can be overwhelming. That's why I wanted to address this important issue.
It's hard to be a parent, but a single mom is even harder!
In being a responsible single mom you are saying, my life is no longer my own. So, how does one become a successful single mom? Especially when all you feel is overwhelmed and stressed-out? Is there room for hope that things will get better? With God's help, there is always hope. Here are some thoughts to help you not only survive, but also to thrive!
Realize your life will never be quite the same again. My mama used to say, People make their choices, and their choices make them. She used to also say, When you say yes to one thing, you may be saying no to something else. For whatever reason, however it came about, if you are a single mom, you said yes to putting yourself in a situation where you could become a parent. And becoming a parent changes everything. And nothing will more radically change your day-to-day life than being a single mother.
Rhea says that she has been a single Mom for two years now. It is not an easy road. The added responsibility sucks the life out of a person because you're dealing with many issues: dealing with childcare while you're working, the many times you may have to miss work due to sickness of your kids, the instability of support you may receive, making enough money to support yourself and your kids AND find a little extra in there somewhere for a little recreation.
In being a responsible single mom you are saying, my life is no longer my own. I have to think about my child first before I think about myself. Every decision I make has to be based on how it will affect my child(ren), which includes: who to you date, what you do with your free time, your education, your extended family, your living situation, and in fact, every aspect of your life. Nothing will more radically change your day-to-day life than being a single mother. It's not easy accepting all that responsibility and change. But it's well worth it. At the end of the day, what's more important than your children?
Until you reach that place where you realize that your life will never be the same again, both you and your children will suffer. Every single mom has to answer the question: Outside of my relationship with God, are my priorities focused on my children first?
I am also going to talk about issues single mothers face in their relationships with men. For example, how should she deal with the birth father? How much should he be involved in your kid's life? When is it ok to date again, and whom do you decide to date? Please tell me your story of your relationship with men as a single mom.
