Let's talk about one of the most important keys to your happiness. It is a subject people talk about, but few understand or practice. Let's talk about forgiving others who have hurt you.
There's probably not a person in the world who does not need to forgive someone. Additionally, there is probably not one person who would ever say that forgiveness is easy. Forgiving others goes against our own common sense. There's an old saying: Don't get mad, get even. Yet forgiveness says, don't get mad, forgive.
To add to the challenge of forgiving, is the fact that most people do not understand what real forgiveness is and how to do it. Forgiveness is giving up your rights to get even.
I recently talked to a girl who was abused by her stepmother for five years. Her father stood by and basically did nothing while this stepmother did terribly cruel things to this 16-year-old girl. She told me she felt scarred for life and could never forgive what her stepmother and father had done to her. How sad that for the rest of her life she will let herself be stuck in constant bitterness, fear, shame and hate. I told her that learning to forgive those who hurt you will be one of the most difficult things you will ever do. But if you want to be happy, you must learn the art of forgiving. Every meaningful relationship you have will require some level of forgiveness at one point or another.
According to the American Psychological Association: Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.
I love what author Lewis B. Smedes said about forgiveness: "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." There is no way to get away from our past and its effects on us. We can learn from it, but we can't escape from it. We may forget it, but we can't erase it. The only thing that can release us from the insane grip of a painful past is forgiveness. In fact, not to forgive is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rat to die. Forgiveness sets others free, but mostly, frees us.
1. Giving up your rights to get even. Brittany described it well: "To me forgiving somebody is to put something in the past and forget about it no matter what it is. For example, when I was 8 up until I was about 10 or 11 my dad totally ignored me when my mom and him got divorced because he married another woman. At that age I didn't understand it but when I was older, he divorced her. When my mom took me to meet him, to let him see how bad he was hurting me, he asked me to forgive him. So, I did, and I won't hold it against him now because we all wanted to forget about it. Now I see him whenever I want to, no questions asked. I could have easily not forgiven him and never seen him again. But that's forgiveness and everybody deserves a second chance."
2. Choosing to stop feeling anger and resentment. Forgiveness is a choice to let go of bitterness while also letting out the hurt in a positive way. When we are hurt by someone, some awful feelings can come over us at a moment's notice. Out of the blue sky we feel deep resentment, hurt, anger, and even bitterness and rage toward the other person. Forgiveness says, I refuse to babysit those horrible emotions. I understand they are toxic and can only hurt me. So, I will not sit and sulk. I will pray out, talk out, write out, and cry out these emotions until they no longer control me.
3. Letting all judgments toward the person who has hurt you be handled by God. Forgiveness also means to let all judgments toward the person who has hurt you be handled by God. No one gets away with violating and deeply hurting others without some kind of consequence. But it's not up to you to determine what that consequence should be. This much we do know: whoever has hurt you, has paid, is paying, and will pay, for their crime against you. Forgiveness is choosing to stop feeling anger and resentment to the person who hurt you, but letting out your hurt in a positive way.
4. Getting to the place where you can say, "I wish for you a blessing." I want to encourage you to do what CJ did: "I grew up without my parents and was raised by my grandparents in a Christian environment. I had to forgive my parents for abandonment. I had to forgive their ignorance. I had to forgive all they had done to my family. I believe forgiveness is the most powerful thing if you need to mend a broken relationship. You forgive that person although they destroyed you, manipulated you or someone you love. That's what Jesus did, and I wish everyone else did too. The world would be so much better. "Fortunately, she says she was able to forgive her parents, but that probably will never take away the memories that were caused by their neglect. Miraculously, a person can actually get to the place where they can say to the person who has hurt them, "I wish you a blessing. "Which means, I hope all will go well with you and you will have a great life. It is only when we get to this point that we are truly practicing forgiveness.
5. It is normal and right to feel anger toward someone who has hurt you. But hanging onto the hurt and choosing not to forgive the other person is only setting yourself up for a life of pain and difficulty. You have a choice. Please do not give up in your journey to forgive those who have hurt you. The consequences of not forgiving far outweigh the work it takes to give up your rights to get even.
For more on how to forgive and why it’s so important for you to forgive, download TheHopeLine’s free eBook.
Forgiving others who have harmed us is one of the most important things we will ever do. The happiness of our lives, or lack of it, rises and falls on whether we, by an act of our will, choose to forgive.
Millions of people are wrapped up in anger, resentment and bitterness toward those who have caused them great pain. For example, one girl I talked to experienced her mother abandoning her when she was only one-year-old, simply to follow a life of drug addiction. Another guy I spoke with has a father who spends so much time at work that he doesn’t know his own son, or even care to know him. The son is deeply hurt, almost paralyzed, by being ignored by his own father. I could go on and create an incredibly long list of ways we have all been hurt by someone in our lives. The fact is, we all have someone we need to forgive.
We need to remind ourselves what forgiveness is…
1. Giving up your rights to get even.
2. Choosing to stop feeding the anger and resentment toward the person who hurt you but letting out your hurt in a positive way.
3. Letting all judgments toward the person who has hurt you be handled by God.
4. Actually getting to the place where you can say to the person who harmed you, I wish for you a blessing on your life.
Now it is equally important to understand what forgiveness IS NOT. There are many people who refuse to forgive someone because of many popular, but FALSE ideas about what forgiveness involves. These wrong ideas, or myths, can cause a lot of confusion in our journey to be set free from our own prison of unforgiveness.
So, let’s examine 6 harmful myths about forgiveness.
1. To forgive is to forget. You have no doubt heard people say you need to forgive and forget. It’s as though when you forgive someone, some kind of magical amnesia comes over you and you forget the horrible hurt that was brought on you. This is not true. Forgiving others does not eliminate the memory of their violating you. It is because we remember that the need for forgiveness is real. Tiffany admits she struggles with forgiveness. Even though she doesn’t know it, she has a misunderstanding of what forgiveness is: “I hate it!! It’s so hard to forgive when you can’t forget.” When you forgive someone, you’re not saying that you weren’t hurt or that you will forget that hurt. It did happen, but you can forgive, even if you still remember. But with forgiveness and time, that hurt will fade.
2. To forgive is to excuse or ignore the offender’s actions. If you could excuse the behavior of the person who hurt you, forgiveness is not necessary. In fact, what the person who hurt you did is inexcusable. We don’t excuse them for what they did, we forgive them. Usually a person who excuses, ignores, or quickly professes forgiveness to another is in denial.
3. Forgiveness will fix the relationship between you and the person who hurt you. You need to make a decision about whether to continue a relationship with the person you are forgiving, or if it would be better to maintain your distance. Just because you forgive someone, doesn’t mean you have to trust that person again. Forgiveness is a gift we give to others. Trust is something that is earned.
For example, if you were sexually abused, that doesn’t mean you should continue to live in the same house or even have a close relationship with that person. To do so would be unwise, even dangerous.
4. To forgive, I must feel forgiving. So many of us base what we do on what we feel. We let our feelings dictate just about everything we do. That is a huge mistake. Many things we must do as an act of our will. If we act right, our feelings will follow. Forgiving someone is actually an act of the will. Forgiving is a choice you make, not a feeling you have to stir up. We forgive others not based on our feelings, but because it is the right thing to do. It carries with it tremendous consequences for good or for bad. So forgive, even if you don’t feel like it. In time, you’ll be so glad you did.
5. When I forgive, I only have to do it once. It is only natural to want to have some kind of emotional moment where we forgive and then everything is wonderful from that point on. This is usually not the case. I have talked with many people who, after making a genuine commitment to forgive someone, have had those same feelings of hurt, anger and resentment come over them again. Forgiving someone is a process. Forgiving and healing take time…the greater the hurt, the greater the time. As somebody once said, “When an offense from the past stings the memory again, the act of forgiveness is chosen again.” Jenn wrote to me and shared her struggle with forgiveness: "I’ve heard people who say that sometimes you have to keep on forgiving a person. My question is are you really forgiving them then? I mean, sometimes I say yeah I forgive them, and other days it’s like I’m so mad I just want to get even. It goes back and forth like that."
Jenn’s right in her thinking that forgiving someone isn’t just a one-time occurrence. You don’t need to tell the person who hurt you that you forgive them every time you feel the pain they have caused. But you do need to continually commit to forgive when those ugly, toxic emotions come back to haunt you again.
6. Forgiveness will make everything be the same again. Many people think once they forgive someone everything will be beautiful, much like it was before the other person hurt them. The truth is, even if you forgive someone, and the relationship is healing, things still will never be the same again. They may be much better, but never the same again. In fact, when you forgive someone, the other person won’t always respond to you the way you want them to. But remember, forgiving others is an act of the will where we give up our rights to get even. We forgive because it’s the right thing to do. In forgiving, we let God deal with the results.
So to summarize, forgiving is not forgetting, avoiding, or excusing what has happened to you. You don’t have to feel forgiving to forgive someone. And just because you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean you won’t ever get upset and have to make the choice to forgive them again. It also doesn’t mean your relationship must go back the way it was before the offense.
However, in spite of these things, we must forgive. No one said forgiving others is easy. It is not. But the rewards of doing so far outweigh the challenge of letting go of your desire to get even. Someone once said, “Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong.”
Forgiveness has incredible power, and I want to do whatever I can to help guide you there, so you can have the joy and the peace of being a forgiving person.
Rachel has experienced what it’s like to be a forgiving person. “I am always good to forgive someone because if I hold a grudge, it soon devours my positive being. It is a way to feel good about someone or a situation, without resorting to vengeance or self-inflicted hurt. It is just letting your heart and mind ‘get over it,’ to put it frankly.”
The spirit of unforgiveness and bitterness toward those who have hurt us is poison to our soul and destroys any chance for a life of peace and happiness. Don’t let yourself become emotionally and spiritually exhausted by refusing to forgive.
I thought I'd blog on a topic few ever talk about, much less practice, but is incredibly important to our sense of peace and happiness. Let's talk about how to seek forgiveness when you have hurt someone. When we hurt someone, we undoubtedly cause a broken relationship. Broken relationships are not healed without someone seeking forgiveness.
Alex wrote me about a horrible situation she got into, one that leaves her craving forgiveness, even if she's not sure what will happen if she asks for it: "One night I made a mistake that I can never take back and it is killing me. I slept with my boyfriend's twin brother and I am now two months pregnant with his child. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend because I don't know if he will be able to forgive me and I love him so much and he means the world to me."
Most people never attempt to heal broken relationships because they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions, and it forces them to come face to face with their own pride. It's hard to admit you have done something wrong and put yourself at the mercy of others. We've all seen people try to squirm their way out of a difficult confrontation about something painful they've done. The most insecure people use denial or blaming others to escape from having to wake up to their own failure. Being humble is the key to experiencing forgiveness and healing.
Humble yourself; it's the first step toward being forgiven.
Vicki wrote this story about needing forgiveness: "Early in my relationship with my current boyfriend I cheated on him. I immediately felt awful about it and regretted doing it. Not too long after it happened, I told him what I had done and how I felt about it, and he was very understanding and he forgave me. Looking back on this two years later, I realize that we were (and are still in) a very loving relationship because forgiving someone after betraying them is VERY hard to do, but he was willing to do that for me and work on keeping our relationship strong."
1. Admit to yourself you have hurt another person. As painful as it is, you have to come to the place where you admit you're guilty, no excuses. Asking someone to forgive you requires a broken heart and a willingness to repair the damage you have done. It's not just saying, Forgive me if you think I happened to have done something wrong. You need to understand the amount of pain you have caused, and accept responsibility for it.
2. Talk to God. Ask him to forgive you for what you've done and to give you the strength to talk to the person you've hurt. God is very interested in you seeking forgiveness. Jesus said something very powerful about the urgency and the need to seek forgiveness: If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God. (Matthew 5:24)
3. Ask for forgiveness from the person you hurt. If you are going to meet in person, you may want to write down your apology, and then practice saying it out loud until you are completely comfortable with it. What to say? Be honest. Don't apologize just to make an uncomfortable situation go away. You need to clearly explain what you are sorry for, without making any excuses. You might need to find a third party to help you, especially if it's difficult to talk face to face. You may need a peacemaker who can help bring some objectivity to the conversation. Don't expect him or her to immediately jump up with joy (or forgiveness) the moment you apologize.
4. Let the other person respond to you without getting defensive. You may need to give the other person time to sort out their feelings. Don't expect him or her to immediately jump up with joy (or forgiveness) the moment you apologize. It is important, if possible, to make sure the person you have hurt says Yes, I do forgive you. In so doing, they are saying, I'm not going to keep bringing it up or hold what you've done over your head. Sometimes when you seek forgiveness, a lot of people will then turn around and seek forgiveness from you.
Even if the other person refuses to forgive you, you've done your part to clear your conscience and show you want to change. In time, they may come around and forgive you. The best way for you to respond is to show yourself as continually trustworthy, avoiding opportunities to slip back into the wrongful behavior. But you did the right thing by seeking forgiveness, and your new attitude and actions will be the best way to prove you are truly sorry for what happened.
The best way for you to respond is to show yourself as continually trustworthy, avoiding opportunities to slip back into the wrongful behavior.
Let's go back to Vicki, who concludes this topic very well: "When I look back on how thankful and lucky I was to be with someone as thoughtful and caring and understanding as my boyfriend, who had the strength to look beyond my stupid mistake, it makes it easier to give other people a second chance if they hurt me because I want people to feel how I felt, because it feels wonderful to be forgiven."
For more help with forgiveness, read my blog on what happens when you don't forgive.
Check out this free eBook from TheHopeLine on Forgiveness!
Understanding self-respect starts with understanding respect in general. Respecting someone is honoring their dignity and treating them like a human being. Do you honor your own humanity, rather than tearing yourself down or hating yourself? If so, you're building self-respect.
If you've been through trauma, have been abused, or have been betrayed by a friend, spouse, or partner, it can be hard to respect yourself. After all, the people who hurt you did not respect you, so you may have started believing you were unworthy of respect. But because you were created for a unique purpose, and there's no one like you, you are worthy of respect and dignity.
To work on self-respect, remind yourself of your accomplishments, celebrate how far you've come, and acknowledge how much you've grown. Decide that you will invest your time and energy into relationships with people who treat you with care and respect.
If someone disrespects you, let them know you are hurt, and that it is not okay to treat you with unkindness and disrespect. The more you see others' model kindness and respect. and the more often you accept and celebrate your strengths and good qualities, the more you will respect yourself.
We all crave respect, no matter who we are. Yet it is very difficult to respect others when you don't even respect yourself.
It’s been said, “You can’t like another person, until you like yourself.”
So, let’s look at this…How can you show yourself the same kind of respect you want to show others and want them to show you?
When you don’t like or love yourself, much less respect yourself, you will always find a way to live your life blaming other people for all the pain you’re feeling, resulting in your life being consumed by anger, frustration and depression.
Katie commented with a very clear definition of self-respect, calling it "a pride in self." "To have self-respect is to take yourself for who you are to wake up and forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. If you focus on the bad actions that you’ve done, you cave yourself into darkness and can’t see the good in life, which is what a lot of teenagers do. When you are down, try to remember the good that you’ve done and not the bad, because focusing on negative thoughts leads you to nothingness in the end. It’s hard to overcome some self-respect issues, but when you’re able to look in the mirror and smile and tell yourself you’re a beautiful person, it is an amazing feeling." Katie is right, a healthy self-respect is based on viewing yourself in a positive light.
1. Don’t Let Other People’s Opinions About You Control You. There are many people who allow themselves to be forever shaped by what others have said or done to them. These people easily become approval addicts. They never really tune into their own needs. It’s like they are saying, “Please love me, so I can love myself. Please accept me, so I can accept myself.” These people will always feel a shortage of self-respect because they never allow themselves to break free from the grip of others.
2. Don’t Speak Badly About Yourself. Don’t let your mistakes or weaknesses define who you are. Don’t say, “I’m a loser, no one loves me, I hate myself.” You will soon believe what you say. On the other hand, if you say to yourself, “I am a person worth loving and respecting,” you will start to believe it about yourself. Remind yourself of your strengths and the qualities you have to offer others. Ericka has some insight into how she has learned to respect herself. "I made friends with people like me, got rid of friends that put me down, and before I knew it, I was happier than ever before. No one can truly understand the way you think, the way you do things and act. Being different is a blessing, not a curse. So, respecting yourself is to love who you are and love your personality."
3. Don’t Let Anybody Force You to Be or Do Anything You Don’t Want to Do or Be, Simply to Gain Their Approval or Friendship. There is an old saying that says, “To yourself, always be true.” This isn’t a me-first kind of thinking that reeks of arrogance. It means not letting other people tell you what to do or think. Cynthia agrees with Ericka that to respect yourself, you have to know who you are. "You need to know your strengths, weaknesses, and emotions really well. You need to get more familiar with yourself and not become something that others want you to be, because that does not in any way show that you respect yourself cause you’d be willing to change just to please [others]." I agree with this, unless we’re talking about God or your parents encouraging you to be the person they see you have the potential of becoming.
4. Don’t Violate Your Own Moral Codes. There will always be people who treat themselves with poor self-respect, because they have done disrespectful things or violated their own moral code and hate themselves for it. There is a saying among some psychologists which states, “If you think better, you will act better. And if you act better, you will feel better.” I couldn’t agree more. The opposite is also true. If you think poorly, you will act poorly. And if you act poorly, you will feel poorly. Your self-respect will be extremely low, and unhappiness will be your constant companion.
5. Control Your Emotions. A part of respecting yourself is learning how to handle your emotions without causing more problems for yourself. When we let our rage and hurt out in a damaging way, it only causes us to embarrass ourselves, destroy relationships, and leads to low self-respect.
6. Increase Your Knowledge. Develop interests and passions. Find a hobby. Learn as much as you can. Learning about things going on in the world around you will expand your brainpower and understanding, and will let you speak intelligently to a wide variety of people you meet. As you explore all the different opportunities this world has to offer, you will learn more about what you personally have to offer back to the people around you. There are so many people who live in such a small world, they feel others would never value their opinions and what they know. They see themselves as stupid or dumb. The way you see yourself is the way you'll act. It happens every time.
7. Seek a Relationship With God. To know that God loves and respects you is the very foundation of self-respect. After all, God knows all about us and still loves us. Shelby has learned that to respect herself she has to try and see herself as God sees her.
"He created all of us special. Have you ever made something, like drawing a picture, and it was just amazing? And you were so proud of it, even though you didn't think you had it in you to make that? Now take that and imagine how God must feel about creating us! Since I've looked at myself that way I've seen a whole different me in the mirror every day. Even without my makeup!"
8. Be Responsible. Do the things you need to do. Janice commented with a list of practical ways to show self-respect: Take care of yourself. Brush your teeth, comb your hair, dress nicely (not to bring attention, either over-fashionably or sloppily), don’t overeat (or under-eat!), eat what is good for you, and drink water. More importantly, to take care of yourself, read your Bible and pray. Just doing what you know is the right thing to do will cause your self-respect to skyrocket – whether it’s doing your homework, chores around the house, or showing up to work on time.
1. Respect others.
2. Be quick to forgive others.
3. Be friendly to everyone you meet. Friendly people are never miserable people.
4. Hang around encouraging people who are doing positive things.
5. Don't lie. When you continually tell the truth, you give yourself the priceless gift of a clear conscience.
6. Make good decisions.
Lisa wrapped up what I’ve been trying to say in one just powerful comment. "I never thought that I needed to learn to respect myself, but I realize that almost everyone is lacking in this area, no matter if you have thousands of friends or just one. In the end, everyone is looking to be accepted."
It's important that you pay attention to the negative self-talk that is going on. To learn how to protect yourself from negative self-talk read this blog.
The Shine Effect is a full-time, ministry minded, 4-piece energetic Christian rock/worship band from Jacksboro, TN striving to answer the call God has placed on their lives to serve Him and minister to others through music and testimonies. The band consists of Maria Roberts (vocals), husband Ben Roberts (bass), Ben’s brother Josh Roberts (guitar/vocals), Josh’s wife Christa Roberts (drums), and friend Kevin Winter (sound/lighting/merchandise). Josh was the lead vocalist of The Shine Effect from 2011-2016 until Maria joined the stage as the lead vocalist at the start of 2017.
In May 2011, The Shine Effect released their first full length, self-recorded album, “The Life. The Hope. The Journey.”. In March 2013, the band released their 6 song album, “With Open Eyes”, which was recorded at The Sound Lair with producer Miah Lajeunesse in Knoxville, TN. They released 2 singles, “Stronger (Hallelujah)” and “Your Beautiful Name”, from their “With Open Eyes” album, and received radio airplay on almost 50 radio stations.
Since May 2011, The Shine Effect has played over 850 concerts in 29 different states across the US and also in Canada. The band has played and ministered at many different churches, youth groups, Celebrate Recovery groups, festivals, revivals, Vacation Bible Schools, Christian camps, Christian and secular venues, community events, fundraisers, public and private schools, county and state fairs, non-profit organizations, etc. Celebrate Recovery is a HUGE passion of theirs as they all work the program themselves! They have played, ministered, and shared their testimonies at almost 250 different Celebrate Recovery groups!
The Shine Effect gets their name from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount:
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on a stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." ~ Matthew 5:14-16
The Shine Effect has taken this verse to heart and truly strives to be that shining light in a dark world. All of the members have committed their lives to Jesus Christ and His call on their lives as musicianaries (music missionaries). Their calling is to encourage, challenge, and grow the church, as well as reach out to the lost through their music and testimonies, while building relationships along the way. Their mission is to love people, on and off stage, with the incredible love of Jesus Christ. Their passion and desire is to clearly share the Gospel through their music, testimonies, and conversations.
TheHopeLine is honored to be partnered with The Shine Effect for several years now. They are an awesome group with a heart for God and they are changing lives as they travel across the country sharing God's hope with so many. As they cross paths with people who might need help, The Shine Effect refers those in need to TheHopeLine. TheHopeLine is for anyone that needs a beacon of hope in a time of turmoil.
You can connect with The Shine Effect here:
TheShineEffect.net, Facebook.com/TheShineEffect, Instagram.com/TheShineEffect, Twitter.com/TheShineEffect
So many people I talk to are struggling with some kind of relationship issue….most often a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Just about everyone seems so hungry for insight and wisdom into how to make a relationship with their bf/gf work better. One of the best ways to make a stronger, more long-lasting relationship is by learning how to treat each other with respect.
I have come to the conclusion that everyone longs to be respected. What is respect? Respect is showing someone extra special attention, or high regard, based on a desire to show them how highly they are valued.
The desire to be respected by someone of the opposite sex is something that runs deep within everyone, even though most people don’t take the time to find someone who truly respects them. It seems like people are just looking for someone to show them the slightest amount of attention, settling for something much less than respect. I am convinced one of the best ways to help any relationship grow is by showing respect.
How does this play out in real life? For example, how does a guy show respect to a girl? How does he show her she is valuable to him? I’ve come up with a list of ten things.
1. He talks with her in a courteous way.
Put another way, he doesn't talk trash to her. He doesn't swear, tell dirty jokes, or use filthy words around her. Making jokes about her body, is never appropriate or talking behind her back. He never texts her with cruel or biting comments, and he is there to defend her if somebody does. Kaitlyn wrote, "Guys should respect the girl by always encouraging her and NEVER ever putting her down in any way!" Jose said the way he shows respect to girls is by talking to them in a positive, affirming way. "I do not strip them of their dignity, like many guys do. Many guys my age feel it's okay to make remarks about their bodies in a sexual way, and they have to know that it's not okay. It's wrong. Girls deserve all the respect they can get, and more, but our society isn't doing that."
2. He will never try to take advantage of her sexually.
This is a big one. Sarah agrees, "My wonderful boyfriend shows respect to me by not pressuring me to do things I don't want to do." Brittany uses the word "no" to find out if a guy respects her. "I know they respect me when I say no and they lay off me and aren't grabbing at me all the time." Kaitlyn said a girl should be seen as a treasure, not a magnet for the guys to be attached to. "If the guy wants you only for a sexual relationship then he has no respect for you. He is only thinking about himself and how that one night or so will benefit him and his social status."
3. He gives her time and attention.
All women love the gift of time and attention. It's a gift that can't be bought. It's also a gift she can clearly see and experience. A guy gives her this gift by talking with her and asking questions about her life. He refuses to brag about his own accomplishments to try and impress her. Amy expressed how when a guy truly respects her, she can feel it. "He shows it by his actions, by his words, by the way he looks into your eyes. When a guy respects you he listens to your feelings, and even if he doesn't agree with them, he lets you express them to him. When a guy respects you he knows that small things matter to a woman, something as [simple] as giving you his jacket when you're cold or holding open a door."
4. He knows when to joke and when to be serious.
Dobrinka said there are a lot of guys, when hanging out with their girlfriend, who act as if they are with their guy friends. "Girls are more sensitive in certain situations, and guys don't always know when to be serious and when they can be playful and joke about stuff. If a guy truly understands you and your feelings then he should know when is the right time to be serious about a situation and when is the right time to play around."
5. He doesn't flirt with other girls.
When a guy is dating a girl and he flirts with other girls, he shows her he’s not committed to her, and that she is no more special to him than all the other girls. Erin had a bad experience with a guy who did this. "The guy I just broke up with, I broke up with because he flirted with other girls right in front of me…not respectful at all!"
6. He points out her strengths.
Let her know how amazing she is and how impressed you are by her talents and gifts. Everyone needs to be encouraged.
7. He shows respect for her family and her friends.
Let’s face it. A person’s family has a huge impact on the person you are dating. To disrespect that family is to disregard one of the most vital parts of their life. Celeste said this is really important to her. If you respect her, you should also show respect to her parents, siblings etc. Even if you don’t get along with them.
8. He helps her feel welcome and comfortable in a group of other people, especially in a group of guys.
No girl wants to look stupid or feel uncomfortable in front of other people, especially guys. Many guys have made the horrible mistake of ignoring or belittling his girlfriend in front of his buddies. This is relational sabotage.
9. He is trustworthy.
Keep your word and do what you say. Lynn has some advice for guys, "Girls take what you say to heart. Say what you mean, and mean what you say."
10. He trusts her.
You can show tremendous respect to your girlfriend by showing her you trust her. Celeste said a big way to show respect is to give her the space she wants and needs. "If she says she’s going out with her friends, then she’s going out with her friends. Let her go have fun without calling her every five minutes to see what she’s doing…she’ll call you when she gets home. She doesn’t need to check in with you...you’re not her dad."
Show me a guy who treats women with respect, I will show you a guy who receives respect in return.
I’ll leave you with a great comment I received from Jonathan who said the best way a guy can show respect to a girl is by recognizing that she is a precious creature carefully crafted by God: Once this realization sets in most everything else will follow. "Holding the door, listening, being sensitive to their needs and sensitivities, treating them like people and not sex objects, opening the car door, walking them home, listening and talking to their face and not their chest, defending them verbally and, should the need arise, physically…I could go on. Everything in this world is a gift from God, and women are the most beautiful, precious gift of all. That fact alone charges us to give them all the respect we can."
I've also written a blog about how a girl can show respect to a guy. Showing respect is a two-way street. If you are in a relationship, these two blogs could serve as a great discussion starter.
There are a lot of broken hearts out there. People go into relationships believing if they date someone, they will be happy and eventually find the right person and live happily ever after. However, somewhere along the road to finding Mr. Right, all kinds of things go wrong.
One reason why so many girls get their hearts broken is that they date the wrong guys. I’m convinced most young women don’t have any guidelines for the kind of person they will date. So, if some guy comes along and he’s hot or shows them a little attention, they will date him. Often, they jump in without any idea as to who this guy really is. It’s like they’re rolling the dice, hoping they’ll come up lucky. Sadly, most of the time they do not. The odds are stacked against them.
I got a really cool comment from a girl named Keriann. She said, "Before I started dating, I made a list. I know it sounds corny, but I made a list of the things that a guy would have to do or be to date me."
I don’t think that’s corny at all. Every young woman should have a list of qualities they want in a guy they date. It doesn’t hurt one bit to be picky when it comes to dating guys. In fact, it’s okay not to date at all. In all of my years of working with teenagers and young adults, I have never seen or heard of someone dying because they didn’t have a boyfriend. I have heard of a lot of girls who died inside or had their hearts broken because they dated the wrong guy.
What can you do? I’m going to suggest 4 questions every young woman should ask herself before going out on a date. And then I will tell you 4 important things needed to give a relationship a good foundation. These 8 things all point to important characteristics you should be looking for.
1. Good Reputation - If you are going to date this guy, do you know enough about him?
Everybody has a reputation, including the person who has just asked you out. There’s an old saying that goes, 'The street seldom lies."
Talk to people who know him and that will help you see the real him. (Jessica) Usually, a person’s reputation at his school or where he lives is pretty close to accurate. Look at how he has been in past relationships like has this person cheated?
(Kiah) Unless he has had a radical change in his life, if he has cheated on other people, he is likely to cheat on you.
Talk to your most trusted friends about him. They can also help you. They can ask his friends about who this guy really is. Your friends will almost always tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts. Remember, when you’re not willing to listen to good advice, you’re almost always walking into trouble.
2. Spiritual Beliefs - If you are going to date this guy, are you on the same page spiritually?
There are no deeper thoughts or values than those that come from our spiritual being. What we believe spiritually will tell us a lot about our values and how we look at our world. Without agreeing on spiritual beliefs, most relationships will crumble. Our spiritual beliefs also are a guide to what we are morally. What we are morally will affect every area of our life. That is why you should find out what his moral beliefs are.
3. Respects You - If you are going to date this guy, does he treat you with tremendous respect?
By respect, I mean the willingness to show consideration or appreciation. All of us want to be appreciated and be shown consideration. Lack of respect will destroy a relationship faster than just about anything else. Without real respect, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship. One of the ways you can find out whether or not he will show you respect is how he treats others.
For example, Katie advised, [Does he] respect his mom? If a man doesn’t respect his mom, even if it’s just because she brought him into this world, then don’t be with him.
Or as Elizabeth said, “The way that a man treats his mother is an almost guaranteed to tell you how he will treat you.”
You could ask other questions about your potential date. How does he treat his sister? Teachers? Friends? But also, look at how he treats inferiors. Bottom line - only date a guy who treats you with respect. You will show yourself, and the world, you respect yourself.
4. Trustworthy - If you are going to date this guy, can you trust him?
No relationship can last without trust because trust is the foundation of all relationships. Trust is something that is earned. When somebody has the reputation of being trustworthy, he/she have earned something priceless because others can put their faith in him/her. You have no doubt heard the saying, You’re only as good as your word. Therefore, you need to ask some very tough questions about the guy you’re thinking about dating.
Can you trust him to treat you with respect? Protect your safety? Not take advantage of you. Speak well of you? Tell you the truth? Be faithful to you? To be with your family? To be at a party with? To confide in. These and other questions are extremely important. I think that the most important thing for a girl to look for in a guy is honesty. Without honesty, every single other quality can’t help the relationship, because there is no trust. (Chad)
1. Loves you for you - The best, long-lasting relationships are built on love…not lust, not popularity, not need.
Love is about serving, giving, honoring, putting the other before self, wanting the very best for someone else, in other words, the best relationships are between two people, both of whom are givers, not takers. When two needy people get together, there is just not enough giving and not enough sacrificial love to go around.
2. Secure in Himself - Secure people build secure relationships.
The foundation for a strong relationship is when some fundamental things are settled before you get started…like already knowing that you are loved, already knowing you have tremendous worth and value, and already knowing there is a great purpose and plan for your life.
If you are desperate to get those things from a boyfriend or girlfriend, then there is a high probability you are going to be hurt, disappointed, and maybe even cheated on. Those qualities (knowing you are loved, a sense of self-worth, and sense of purpose) are things you get from other relationships with family, with friends, and from God.
3. Well-Rounded - There is a balance in all good relationships.
That is not an easy thing to get your head around, but it works something like this: The worse guys to date are those who are looking for girls who will worship them day and night. Stay away from those guys. It is almost always going to turn out badly. You want to be someone’s girlfriend, not their slave.
The best guys are turned off by girls whose only interest is in their boyfriend. No outside interests, no passions, no dreams except for the guy she is dating. That is more than a turn-off, that is downright terrifying for a lot of guys.
On the other side of the balancing scale, guys are less interested in girls who are so caught up in their own worlds, they have little time for them as a boyfriend. Figuring out how to be strong individuals who also have a strong connection with each other is what puts concrete into the foundation of a relationship.
4. Worth waiting for - Don’t settle, be patient and willing to wait.
Here is a little paradox. Sometimes you will find the best guy / the right guy / the relationship guy when you are not looking for him. And he may not be looking for you either. It is not that you don’t keep your eyes open. What I mean is that two people are focused on building their own lives and pursuing their own dreams. One day a guy like that looks around and notices a girl with her own dreams, ambitions, and pursuits. They are attracted to each other physically, but they also have a deep connection, admiration, and affection for one another. That is the kind of relationship worth waiting for.
I've written blogs about physical, sexual, and verbal/emotional abuse, but there is one more kind of abuse I'd like to address...neglect and abandonment.
You can be considered neglected or abandoned when you don't know where your parents are, if they have left you alone, or have failed to maintain contact with you. It also includes being left alone in circumstances where you suffer serious harm, lack adequate food, housing, clothes, medical care, even education or supervision.
Another common childhood experience is being emotionally abandoned by a parent. When parents are critical, dismissive, or preoccupied to the point that it communicates to a child that "You don't matter," or "Your feelings aren't important". This makes a child feel unloved, unaccepted and misunderstood.
Abandonment can also be experienced when one parent disappears from a child's life. It can happen at a very young age, or it can even be when you're a teenager or young adult. A parent walking away from the family, divorce situations, and even suicide of a parent can lead to deep feelings of abandonment and communicate to a child, "You aren't worth being connected with." The common factor is an outright decision by the parent to not be a part of their child's life any longer.
Netasha expressed her sadness over having her father leave her mother when she got pregnant. "They went through all the court stuff, and he told the judge I was his mistake and that he wanted nothing to do with. So, it's not that I hate him or anything, I'm just disappointed in his decision. It would have just been easier growing up with him around. I'm about to graduate high school and go to college.
For a child who has been abandoned by a parent, it's easy to try to fill that void with unhealthy relationships. Kristy commented on how she's lured into relationships with destructive guys: I am lured to these guys because I have almost no relationship with my father, and I want to replace that missing love with a boyfriend. Having the poor relationship with my father makes me feel like I did something wrong or need to prove I'm worthy of love from a man. Therefore, I'm attracted to a jerk who will test my limits and make me endure mentally and emotionally scarring situations to prove I am worthy.
Neglect and abandonment are huge issues, and can often lead to many forms of addiction...including love addiction, substance abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, etc.
It's easy for anybody, regardless of age, to think the disappearance of their parent is somehow their fault. This is not the truth. As a young person, you cannot carry the blame for a grown adult's abusive decision. They are simply operating out of their own place of hurt and pain, and that can be caused by a number of things, in particular, their own abusive upbringing.
It's normal to feel angry when you have been betrayed, abandoned or hurt in some way. If that anger is not dealt with, you will soon become bitter and miserable. The process of forgiving someone does not excuse what they did or in any way say it was O.K. It just gives you the freedom to move forward and no longer be tied to the person that hurt you.
You may think a stand-in parent won’t work for you, but I have talked to many students over the years where a substitute parent or mentor has made all the difference in the world. Just knowing someone really cares for you can make a huge difference.
Laura’s comment says it all: I have gotten the chance to get closer to my band director at school. He has helped me so much this year. He is like a dad to me.
But how does one go about finding a father figure? Morgan sent me some great advice: I think they should go to a grandpa, uncle, or even an older brother they know loves them, and just spend time with them. Chat with them. Go to lunch with them. Everything that those suffering from Father Hunger would want to do with their dad. It certainly wouldn’t replace their dad, but it would bring some love from a male father figure into their life and fill some of that void.
If you determine you are living in a neglect/abandonment abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself.
You can always chat with TheHopeLine. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453). There is always hope and there are ways to deal with abuse going on in your own life, or to help someone you know who is going through abuse.
If you have been adopted and have experienced feelings of abandonment, your biological mom (and/or biological dad) might have been trying to give you the best life possible by allowing another family to adopt you. Consider the possibility that they may have chosen adoption out of extreme love; as well as a desire for you to have a better life and in no way wanting you to feel abandoned.
My name is Andrea Benson Loose, and when I was 17 years old, I actually prayed that I would get pregnant. My story is different than most when it comes to being young, unmarried and pregnant, but I hope and pray that you would be touched in your heart by how God moved in my life. I did become pregnant, and having a somewhat turbulent life filled with car accidents and substance abuse, I quit school thinking I would work full-time so that I could support this baby that I was carrying. People who love me tried to tell me that I should consider other options, and when they did, I would firmly tell them that I was going to make things work out “if it killed me.”
At five months pregnant, I will never forget, the word adoption slipped into my mind and I knew that it was not me that put that word into my mind, and so at this point I felt divinely inspired to relinquish.
In a way that people describe their life flashing before their eyes, I felt the Lord speaking to me saying, “You are saying you will make this work even if it kills you, but what if it doesn’t kill you, but kills the child within you?” At that moment I thought about blaming this child for ruining my life, my not growing up, doing whatever I thought I wanted to do with my life.
Related Posts:
Is Adoption The Right Choice For You?
I Am Pregnant. Now What?
At this point in this experience, I said to the Lord that I would go the adoption route, but that I wanted the parents to not be able to conceive themselves, I wanted to meet them, and I wanted them with me when the child was born. I had no idea how to go about finding a family for this child, but at that point I personally conceded to the idea that God was choosing another mother and father for this baby, and I wasn’t it.
At 7 months, I found, through a friend, an agency that caters to the biological mother. If you want an open adoption, or closed, everything is geared to make things so you can sleep at night. I called them and they sent me an album that contained information explaining why this couple could not conceive, and I knew this was the couple to be the parents to the child I was carrying. I called the agency to let them know, and they in turn let the couple know. In a few days I received a call from the adopted mom and I let her know I had her baby.
At 8 months, I flew out to deliver, and although I did not stay with the couple, they took me out every weekend, and they were in fact with me when I delivered. We talked about everything, how the child would be raised, disciplined, everything I could think of I discussed with them. On May 12, 1984 I delivered a baby girl, and they named her Jennifer Suzanne. I did not hold Jenny, but was asked if I wanted to. Somehow in my mind I thought this might be a game changer for me if I had her in my arms. I know this is different for everyone, and all girls need to know what is right for them.
In 2003, not long before Jenny turned 19, my husband, unbeknownst to me, called the adopted father seeking to get a photograph of Jenny. I had long resolved with myself the idea that I would not see Jenny until heaven. Going to bed one night, Dave, my husband, said to me, “What would you do if I told you I called the Stokers?” I freaked out. I chewed my husband out exclaiming how he betrayed these people’s trust in me and that I had told them they would never hear from me.
The morning after, my husband informed me of his calling the Stokers, they called our home. Dave said to me, “Suzi (the adopted mom) wants to talk to you!” At this point I was crying profusely, as I felt so horrible about the fact my husband had called them without my knowledge, so when I got on the phone I started apologizing immediately. Suzi informed me that she had given Jenny the letter I wrote to her when Jenny was 13, and that she didn’t talk about it. All of her days she never asked about me, but the day prior she came home from college and asked, “Do you ever hear from my biological mother?” This was the day my husband called. When I heard that, I knew that it was an act of God that we get reconnected. We are very close now to this day.
I understand this is a unique situation, and not every adoption case turns out this way, however I am of the firm belief that if you open your heart to listen to the Lord, and do what He tells you to do, no matter what, He will bless you beyond your comprehension, and that includes relinquishing your child when He tells you to.
If you have been adopted and are struggling with feelings of abandonment or don't understand why things are the way they are, then consider Andrea's story. There is a story behind why you are adopted. It might be a beautiful story, it might be a messy story, but here you are. God has a plan for your life. He wants you to succeed. He wants for you to find your purpose and have peace and joy and hope. If you need to talk things out and want help to sort out your feelings then chat with TheHopeLine! Sometimes it helps to sort things out with someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation. Also, download our eBook for more information on abandonment and how to cope with it!
