Posts by TheHopeLine Team

Loss is difficult to handle no matter the circumstance, and the emotions that follow are called grief. Any type of loss can cause grief, but when the loss is in your immediate family or unexpected, the grief may feel insurmountable. If you’re here because you’ve lost a sibling, the first thing we want to say is that we are so sorry for you and your family. The death of a brother or sister will have a lasting impact on your life, but it doesn’t mean your life is over. Let’s talk about how you can healthily grieve your sibling, process their death, and find ways to build a new life for yourself.

How to Grieve a Sibling

Get to Know Your Grief

Grief, famously, comes in five “stages,” which is an idea developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in the 1960s. The stages are known as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Learning about those stages can be helpful, and you should check out some of our posts that go into more detail there, but there are other ideas out there about grief, too! In the 1970s a pair of British scholars had the idea to organize grief into four “phases” instead. These phases are:

1. Shock and numbness. This is the part where you’re more focused on surviving than feeling. You’re in go-mode. Maybe you’re busy helping your parents with the funeral arrangements, trying to comfort your other siblings, or maybe you don’t even take the day off from work after you hear the news. You’re on autopilot.

2. Yearning and searching. This is the part with a lot of feelings. Sudden outbursts of anger, weeping, fear, loneliness. Longing for the old times. Wishing your brother or sister could just come back. Feeling guilty for being the one who survived. Wanting desperately to ease the pain you see in your parents and other family members.

3. Disorganization and despair. You’ve given up hope that things could be different. You’ve accepted that they’re gone. You slip into a state of depression, more numbness, and perhaps you pull away from your friends and activities that you used to love. This is the part where you feel like nothing can ever make your pain better.

4. Reorganization and recovery. This is the part where you feel like, just maybe, you could play soccer again. You could see a funny movie and laugh with your friends. You could try something new. You know life will never be the same, but that doesn’t have to mean that life is over.

It’s helpful to learn about these stages/phases so that you can begin to understand and process your feelings, but it’s also important to know that everyone’s journeys through grief are different. Don’t worry if you’re hitting certain stages out of order or more than once. The point is not to get it “right,” but to get a feel for where you are on the grief path each day.

Your Grieving To-do List

It probably feels impossible to know what to do when your sibling dies. There is simply no handbook for how one should proceed when the unthinkable happens. The good news is that means there isn’t really a “wrong” way to go about your grieving. There are, however, healthy and unhealthy ways to tackle the grieving process. In VeryWellMind, Angela Morrow talks about four “tasks” you could focus on to keep yourself on a healthier grieving path:

1. Accept the reality of the loss. The truth is: your brother or sister is gone. The only way to move forward is to face this harsh reality.

2. Work through the pain of grief. Take the time you need to feel all the feelings that come in the wake of this loss. Let yourself cry. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself question why this happened. Avoiding all these thoughts and feelings will only make the grieving process last longer.

3. Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing. Again, it’s going to take time to get used to your sibling simply not being around. You’re going to have to pass by their old locker. You’re going to have to eat breakfast across from their empty seat. You’re going to have to watch your favorite show alone. You may even, eventually, need to do their old chores or drive their old car. Give yourself time to adjust to that and be patient with yourself when it’s hard.

4. Find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life. Eventually, you’ll find ways to tuck your sibling’s memory away into its own special place in your heart and memory. You’ll carry them with you all the time, but they won’t necessarily be part of everything you do. And that’s okay! You can try new things, enjoy your life, and find meaning in things they aren’t a part of.

You don’t have to forget your brother or sister, and nobody wants you to, but you also don’t have to bear the full weight of your grief every day until the end of time.

Sharing Your Grief

Grief is often overwhelming, and that means you shouldn’t have to do it alone. One of the worst parts of heartbreak is the feeling that nobody could possibly understand the pain you’re in. This process of grieving is something that many people have done, many people are currently doing, and many people will do in the future. You are not the first, and you won’t be the last. Look to others for support and observe how they’ve walked through their grief. Relating to others through a grief support group could be an excellent way to find people who are in your position right now or have been.

Another way people have shared their journeys with grief since the beginning of time is through their art. Poets, painters, singers, dancers… they’ve used their mediums to communicate their grief in ways that may help you feel seen. Writer Christina Patterson shares her own story of losing a sister by interviewing poet Joanne Limburg, who lost her brother to suicide. Both women were able to process their personal grief by relating to each other’s experiences.

Songwriters and poets have often written about grief as well. From Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth to Kenny Chesney, contemporary artists have expressed grief and loss in song over and over again. You may also relate to poetry, such as W.H. Auden’s line from “Funeral Blues,” which says, “The stars are not wanted now; put out everyone….For nothing now can ever come to any good.” The speaker is so saddened by his loss that he can’t even bear to look at the beauty of the stars, a feeling which sounds like one of those phases of grief. Which one do you think it is?

Or maybe you can figure out the stage of grief in Edna St. Vincent Millay’s poem “Time does not bring relief; you all have lied,” which talks about how the speaker can’t go anywhere that doesn’t remind her of who she’s lost:

There are a hundred places where I fear   
To go, —so with his memory they brim.

Not all the poems about grief are depressing, though! Quite a few poets write about death in a more hopeful way, such as the famous line: “Do not stand at my grave and weep. / I am not there; I do not sleep.” In this poem, Mary Elizabeth Frye points out the way in which those we’ve lost to death are still with us because we can see them in the small details of our day to day lives.
And this one, by Mary Hall, which encourages the grieving to live:

If I should die, and leave you here a while,
Be not like others sore undone,
who keep long vigils by the silent dust and weep.
For my sake, turn again to life, and smile,
Nerving thy heart, and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort weaker hearts than thine,
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine,
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you!

Then, in a poem that seems to just be about watching a ship sail so far past the horizon that the speaker can no longer see it, Henry Van Dyke writes, “Gone from my sight. That is all,” as if to say that those who are “gone” will never really be truly gone, regardless of whether we can see them anymore. Rather, they live on, both in your memory and in eternity. As Christians at TheHopeLine, we have great hope that those who have accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior go to heaven when they die. We look to passages from the Bible like 1 Thessalonians 4 and Luke 23:43, which promises that those who see the light of Christ “will be with [Him] in paradise.” So take heart that if you and your sibling have accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior, you can rely on the promise that you will see them again–and THAT kind of hope can be a soothing balm to your grief.  

Sharing Your Life with Your Grief

If these artists sharing their grief and hope resonated with you, perhaps you could try sharing yours in a similar way. Write your thoughts down. Paint them. Sing them. Bake them. Don’t keep them to yourself, or they may become so overwhelming that you forget to live.

It’s important that you accept the fact that your loss will be with you for the rest of your life. That doesn’t mean that you won’t have a good life. You will learn to cope with it but losing someone as close to you as a brother or sister leaves a permanent mark on our hearts. Every once in a while, you’ll see a flower, a movie poster, a burger, or a rock that, for whatever reason, reminds you of your sibling so intensely that a wave of grief will hit you. Ride the wave. Feel the grief. Try to feel grateful that you got to have this moment with your brother or sister, and then go about your day. There’s enough room for both deep sadness and lasting joy in your heart, so allow yourself to experience both.

Learn More About How to Cope With the Loss of a Sibling

If you’re struggling with the loss of a sibling, and you don’t know where to turn, now is a great time to reach out to TheHopeLine. We have Hope Coaches and mentors who will listen to your feelings without judgment and can help you find resources to move through your grief. We want you to know that you’re not alone, and that there is abundant joy in your future, even after deep sorrow like this. Never hesitate to reach out for support!

For more here are some healthy ways to experience and process grief that I hope will help you along the path to healing.

-Jen DeJong

We also have a partner, GriefShare, who is a caring support group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life’s most difficult experiences.

How Are Loneliness and Suicide Related?

The Loneliness Was Too Much

Everybody gets lonely from time to time...it's human nature. But my loneliness almost led me down a path of ending my life.
I was kicked out of my old high school for bad attendance. I felt like a failure when I was forced into an alternative school. (Which surprisingly turned out to be a better school than my old one!)

Thankfully, I was with a guy who was there for me. We were together for 8 months, he was my world, he was my life, and I gave him everything. We had a pregnancy scare and I told a few of my close friends, and by the time I knew it...they blocked me on everything! I was okay though; I still had my man.

A few weeks ago, my man admitted to me he didn't love me. He just saw me as a friend. This destroyed me. I was alone, and my mother was too far away to hug. I sat in bed crying and self-harming for two weeks.

Something Inside Me Snapped

Finally, something inside me snapped. I lost it, and I was ready to end it all.

I was too afraid to draw that blade across my wrist so in a final attempt I sought out help on the internet, and I came across this site, TheHopeLine.com.

My Hope Coach helped me get through it and has sparked my passion to travel again! After I graduate, I plan to travel the states on a journey to find myself and repair my soul! - Liberty

A Message From TheHopeLine: 

Life is hard and you don’t have to go through it alone. You are not a burden and you deserve to be heard and understood. TheHopeLine is here to help you by offering sound advice and a safe place to connect. Take the next step and chat with a Hope Coach today.

I Found the Courage to Stand Up Again

I'm in Indonesia and I found this site when I was at the very bottom of my emotional pain. And I sincerely thank God that He found me again through this site. Thank you for the Hope Coaches that helped me by listening patiently and giving me the courage to stand up again and move on.

There is no easy way to fix what has broken into many pieces, but it doesn't mean there is no way at all. Sometimes through pain God shapes us into a better person. It is all about the choices we make and whether we want to live in the pain or whether we want to go through it a stronger person. Pain is one process in life, not an end of the things we go through.

"TheHopeLine was really helpful! They not only gave me support, but they also helped me learn to care and support others who are in need." 

My Story of Emotional Pain

I Found Hope from Indonesia

God is so amazing to bring all these great people on your site together despite distance. I found hope from Indonesia!

I'm really thankful for all the Hope Coaches who are really being God's hands and bringing light into my life. I now can see life from a different point of view.  A better one with hope and good faith.

I have made my choice that I will attend a church service on Sunday. I need to be there among believers to be together with them to praise and worship God. It is so good to feel he found me and I'm home now.

He Mends My Brokenness

There's a lot to be done with fixing up my life and emotions but I'm positive that with God nothing is impossible.  He mends my brokenness, and He gives me peace and understanding, which gives me great strength and courage to keep moving on.
Thank you! - Kirana (from Indonesia)

Life is hard and you don't have to go through it alone. You deserve to be heard and understood. Take the next step and chat with a Hope Coach for a safe place to connect and find hope.

How Does Skin Color Impact Dating?

Does Skin Color or Race Matter When You Date?

The human race is created in many beautiful colors of skin. So why should skin color matter when choosing whether or not to date someone? I don’t think it should. I would say that it is much more important to date someone who shares your same beliefs and values than your skin color.

However, when dating someone of a different race or ethnicity, you could face some unique challenges. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date them. It’s just important to be aware of what challenges could occur and be ready to meet them head-on.

Challenges from Those Outside of Your Relationship

For the two people in the relationship there may be no issue at all, but perhaps others outside the relationship cause a challenge. A typical Romeo & Juliet kind of scenario. Two people from different backgrounds or cultures coming together to prove to the world that love can rise above all our differences.

If there are people in your life who don't think you should date someone of a different race or ethnicity than you, I suggest you talk to them and find out what their reasons are based on. Then explain how you have found someone who you really connect with on many different levels. While some may have a difficult time with interracial dating and marriage, you don't have to live that way.

Us vs. The World Identity

Some people who date someone of another race, look at their relationship as being under attack. They get wrapped up in an Us vs. The World mentality. Together they are part of a cause to fight against the negative perceptions. Pretty soon their entire relationship is built on the two of them taking on the world. The problem with that is sooner or later those who are against the relationship will quit caring about the race situation, and the foundation of the relationship no longer exists.

My advice is to be sure your relationship is built on enough substance so that you can remain strong even when the emotion and drama of standing alone against the world is gone. Sometimes without Us vs. The World, the relationship crashes because there was not enough foundation to begin with.

Cultural Difference

Some of the challenges facing interracial dating are due to cultural differences. A good question to ask is: Can the two of you adapt to each other's culture? Remember, cultural differences can be a big deal. Be wise about who and why you're dating, interracial or not.

It can be a lot of fun to embrace a new culture. Be willing to learn about the traditions, celebrations, music, and food that make up your partner’s culture. Ask questions about what it was like to grow up in that culture? What did they love most about it? It’s also important to ask what challenges they faced? And how those challenges shaped them and their views?

By appreciating their background, you will demonstrate that you desire to get to know them better and build deeper love and acceptance between the two of you.

Faith Differences

Differences in what you believe (or don’t believe) about God can sometimes be harder to reconcile. While faith is a part of someone’s culture, it goes much deeper than traditions. It goes more to the core of who you are and how you see the world. For someone who is deeply committed to their faith, their beliefs will shape how they live their life and what their life is centered on. It defines you.

Religious differences can mean:

• Different beliefs about marriage and raising children
• Different morals and values
• Different priorities
• Different ideas about sex and physical intimacy
• Different ways of planning for the future and thinking about your purpose
• Different beliefs about eternity
• Different ideas about what teachings guide your life. (The Bible, The Qur’an, The Torah, The Sutras, The Vedas)

It is crucial to have very open and honest conversations about these things early in your relationship to make sure you can agree. Don't let your heart get in too deep and then discover your miles apart on how you view God.  I’ve seen a lot of well-meaning people try to force their boyfriend or girlfriend onto the same page about religion, but a person's belief system is not quick to change.

Conclusion

As you can see, it's not so much about the color of your skin, as it is about your beliefs and values. Pay attention to what you agree and disagree on and openly communicate about those things sooner, rather than later. Don’t compromise who you are, that will only result in a life of conflict. Rather define what’s important to you and your partner and what your non-negotiables are. Do you agree on those? If so, then you have set yourself up for a meaningful relationship no matter your race or culture.

Are you frustrated with dating? For ideas on how to think differently about dating read, "Do You Have a Type? Try Dating Outside the Box". 

Hopelessness Can Lead to Depression

If you’ve been depressed, feeling apathetic about your own life, and searching for reasons to live or to be excited about life, you’re not alone. A new epidemic is sweeping the nation, and it’s called “languishing.” Some say it’s a result of the craziness that has been in 2020 and 2021, but some say it’s simply related to pre-existing mental health conditions. Either way, it’s not good. Hopelessness can lead to depression, and depression can quickly lead to thoughts of self-harm and suicide. The first thing to do if you’re trying to think of reasons to be alive is to consider whether you’re suicidal—if you are, get help today.

If you’re just here looking for reasons to feel a little more hope and a little less apathy, you’ve probably heard the usual ones before: your friends and family, sunrises and sunsets, gratitude journals, etc. And those things are great! Perfectly wonderful reasons to be alive, stay alive, and feel alive. In the grand scheme of things, your relationships and appreciating the world around you give you the purpose that makes life fulfilling over the long haul, at the end of the day… But what about right now? If you’re having trouble connecting to your grander purpose and looking for some things that will make today seem a little more exciting or worth living, take a look at these:

Reasons You Haven't Thought of:

1. Cookies. Food isn’t everything, and of course we should be careful about emotional eating, but… you can have a cookie today. If that isn’t exciting, I don’t know what is. There are people who don’t like cake. There are people who don’t like pie. There are people who don’t like ice cream. But are there people who don’t like cookies? If you don’t like cookies, insert whatever treat excites you. The point is: you have the freedom to consume a treat today. That’s something to look forward to!

2. Plants. Whether you’re a gardener, a houseplant person, or a known black thumb… Get yourself to a drugstore and buy one of those $5 seedling kits for daisies, strawberries, or mint… whatever floats your boat. There is something innately hopeful and exciting about being able to follow the instructions on the packet and watch weird, brown dots turn from seeds into leafy, green baby plants. You can literally make something alive! Do it. See if it doesn’t at least make you curious to check on the plant’s progress each day. Curiosity is a sign that you do, in fact, have a little hope left in you.

3. Your favorite shoes. You can put them on right now. Even if you’re in your pajamas. Go get them. Do it. Nobody is stopping you. Rock those kicks. They’re your favorite for a reason, and if you can love a pair of shoes, you can love life.

4. Babies, puppies and kittens. Look, even if you aren’t a lover of kids or animals, there’s no way to stare at an infant being of any species without smiling. Whether you’re smiling at their cuteness or at their clumsiness or at their ignorance of basic principles of logic, you’re smiling. Get thee to YouTube and watch a 10-minute compilation video of babies doing cute things and let yourself enjoy it. If a video isn’t enough, go volunteer at an animal rescue or a daycare program. These creatures are real and reminding yourself that you get to live in the same world as baby humans and animals is next-level hopeful.

5. This TikTok account. Come on. Either watch it or go out and do your own version of #drivebykindness. There is goodness in the world. Spreading it is important work.

6. Your favorite song. Listen to it right now. Now, think of a song that used to be your favorite. Listen to that too. If that used to be your favorite song, and it changed as you grew and new music came out, it follows that you will someday, perhaps soon, have yet another new favorite song. Imagine how awesome it’s gonna have to be to beat the current one. That’s a reason to push through to tomorrow. 

7. Your favorite movie or book. Same logic as #6 on a much grander scale. The future holds so much promise. You can’t give up now!

8. Speaking of the future… Have you ever taken the time to Google futuristic technologies that actually already exist? If things like Iron Man suits, cloning, and driverless cars are already a thing… What is life going to look like ten years from now? You’ve got to be here when that happens. You could be riding a hoverboard to school. You could be 3D printing your own furniture. If today is feeling a little dull and lifeless, it’s looking like tomorrow might have a few surprises.

9. Female presidency! No matter what your politics are, everyone seems excited about the idea of the first female US president, and we’ve come pretty close a couple of times now. If you give up on life too soon, you could miss it. That’s something you might want to see! That’s something that might feel brand new when you’ve been bored and unimpressed with life.

10. Help Someone...While you wait for the things that the future could bring, today could be your chance to help someone through their pain. Maybe you aren’t feeling great about yourself, but stop for a moment to think about the people you know and love. Are any of them going through a tough time too? Reach out and offer your support. At the very least, you might be able to pass an hour or two without dwelling on your own hopelessness. At the very best, you discover your own strength and power as you bolster someone in need.

11. This is the worst it will get. If you’ve reached the point where you’re trying to come up with reasons that life is worth living, you’ve hit a low point. The good news is: it’s all uphill from here. Only better things can be ahead now. Take a deep breath and let
them come.

12. You tell me. There’s a TikTok trend going around that says whatever is on the “home screen” of your cell phone or laptop is what you live for. What's yours? Whether it’s your mom, your partner, or your favorite video game character, that’s proof that you love something enough to look at it a million times a day. Call that person. Play that game. Or… if you’re not happy with that thing, change the picture. Pursue what you care about. Time will pass, and eventually you will feel alive again.

Feeling Hopeless? It Will Pass

If that list didn’t do it for you, here are a few quotes regarding hopelessness and reasons to be alive today. Actor Juliette Lewis is known for saying, “The bravest thing I ever did was continue my life when I wanted to die.” You matter. Your life matters. You can be that brave too. Writer Anne Lamott talks about a low point in her life, recalling, “I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have too anymore.” You don’t have to prove anything to anyone if you’re feeling hopeless; you just have to watch the next movie, take the next nap, and eat the next meal until you feel like doing more. And finally, in author Kahlil Gibran’s words: “Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.” There was a time before this when you felt more hope and joy. There will be a time after this when you feel better too. You are simply in the time between.

If you’re feeling too low to wait for the alive feelings to come back, reach out to TheHopeLine today. There is hope for the future and a love that connects you to that hope. We’d love to walk with you through this dark time and hold onto the light for you while you can’t see it. You’re not alone, and your life is special to us.

Suicide is never the only answer, and there are always ways to get help. Find out what to do when you've lost interest in everything. 

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 for free, confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

How to Navigate Jealousy

The Poison of Jealousy Wrecks Relationships

Let's face it, most dating relationships don't last. Some should've never begun in the first place. Just a casual look at both parties would tell you the relationship would soon fall apart. Some relationships are very fragile and can easily be destroyed. In fact, it is far easier to destroy a relationship than it is to build one.

Years ago, there was a pop song released by singer/songwriter Paul Simon called 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. He's probably right. And if we thought really hard, we could probably find 50 Ways to Wreck a Relationship as well. I want to help you to be aware of and guard against one of the worst things that can creep in and destroy the relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Jealousy.

Jealousy refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened. It's a state of fear, suspicion, or envy. Some people mistake it for love, but at the core of all jealousy is fear and selfishness.

Why is jealousy a relationship wrecker? Why is it so damaging? Because it stifles and demeans, putting both parties in bondage.

Most times it creates a fear built on paranoia. There are many signs a relationship is under attack by the wretched behavior of jealousy.

7 Signs You May Be Jealous

• Do you continually watch for the way he/she looks at other people?
• Are you concerned your bf/gf might be sneaking around behind your back even though you don't have any evidence for those accusations?
• Are you obsessed with the thought that you will soon lose your bf/gf to someone else?
• Do you question everything they say and do, because you are certain they aren't telling the truth?
• Do you demand your bf/gf quit hanging around or talking to anybody from the opposite sex?
• Are you always calling, texting, snapping your bf/gf to figure out where they are at that very moment?
• Do you demand your bf/gf only spend time with you?

These are just a few of the sure-fire ways to know the cancer of jealousy is eating away at your relationship.

Fear, Insecurity and Selfishness

At the very core of jealousy is fear, insecurity, and selfishness. Jessy commented: "I think a guy or girl being insecure will take a toll on a relationship because the one with the insecurities will over-react and accuse the other of things not necessarily true."

Brent summed it up well when he explained the confusion and hurt jealousy can bring. "She did that? He said this. It's all worthless chatter. I believe the only person that you can control is yourself. The only person you can change the thought patterns for is yourself. I wish I could take back the last years before the breakdown with my sweetheart."

Jealousy to Obsession

Being jealous will also cause you to be obsessed with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Worrying about his or her every move and smothering your boyfriend or girlfriend will definitely cause tremendous damage to the relationship. Jealousy also leads to an unhealthy desire to be possessive of your bf/gf. If you try to control them and make sure you are the only person, they ever do anything with, your jealousy has become toxic.

If you sense your relationship is being destroyed because of jealousy, you may want to admit to yourself that:

• Jealousy pretends to be a form of love.
• Jealousy is never love, but just the opposite.
• Jealousy is another form of selfishness.
• Jealousy is fed by fear.
• Jealousy is emotional poison.
• Jealousy causes unnecessary drama.
• Jealousy is destructive to the other person's self-esteem.
• Jealousy is cruel and stifling.
• Jealousy grows from deep within our troubled emotions.
• Jealousy seeks to control the other person.
• Jealousy causes confusion.
• Jealousy is time-consuming.
• Jealousy doesn't go away on its own.
• Jealousy wrecks relationships.

So, we've established that jealousy is unhealthy, but what if your boyfriend or girlfriend gives you reason.  Sarah asked: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. But all of a sudden, I don’t feel like I can trust him. He’s always had a thing for my best friend. But I don’t think I trust either of them right now. What should I do?

What if Your Trust Has Been Broken?

Unfortunately, finding someone who is completely trustworthy is not an easy thing to do. And often your intuition is right. But this doesn’t have to make you a miserable, jealous person, unless you let it. If you are beginning to have concerns, you might simply be curious about what’s going on under the surface. In Sarah's case, she might want to examine if they are spending time together alone? Does she find them talking together and then stop when she walks up? Or are they just being nice to each other?

There’s always a chance you might be overly sensitive to their innocent behavior. But there’s also a chance you’re not feeling completely valued and respected by your boyfriend, and you’re simply trying to find something (or someone) to point to as the reason for it.

Is Jealousy Ever Justified?

No matter what jealousy is never a healthy emotion, and as we've established it is rooted in fear, insecurity, and selfishness. Please don’t waste your time feeling jealous. That kind of stinky thinking only makes matters much worse, and it makes you a miserable person. The one thing you can do is show yourself to be someone who is trustworthy. This includes surrendering your desire to be a jealous or controlling person.

Put yourself in Sarah's situation. How would you handle it? Here are some suggestions I have:

If your best friend is doing things with your boyfriend that makes you uncomfortable, such as spending time alone with him or whispering behind your back, talk to her about how much her friendship means to you. Let her know that you need her help to make your dating relationship be as good as it can be. Her response to your request will tell you a lot about whether or not you can trust her.

You might need to communicate more clearly with your boyfriend about what you’re feeling. Don’t expect him to be able to read your mind. A difficult aspect of any relationship is having the courage to say the things you need to say the most. These things usually get worked out in the end. So, keep the faith and be the loving person you want both your boyfriend and best friend to be.

Take Responsibility for Your Choices.

So bottom line jealousy is not the answer. Communication is key. You are going to need to decide if they are trustworthy. If you discover they are not, cut the ties. I know this might be really hard, but you deserve far better, and you will find it.  Do not allow yourself to become insecure, fearful, selfish and miserable just to hold on to an untrustworthy person.

If you feel you are being jealous without cause, seek forgiveness from your bf/gf, taking the responsibility of being a relationship wrecker. Ask your partner to point out to you when you are showing signs of jealousy, and really work on being self-aware of when the toxic poison of jealousy is rising to the surface.

Thankfully there are countless ways to combat jealousy. Here are 8 ways to overcome jealousy in your relationship.

You may also want to talk with a minister, counselor, or therapist to help you get to the root of your jealousy. Or chat free online with a Hope Coach. 

My Experience With Suicidal Thoughts

First things first: if you clicked on this title, know that you are not alone.

If you are strongly considering suicide or have made plans or taken steps to carry out the plan, here are a couple of things to do before you continue reading:

1. If you’re alone, call a trusted friend and ask them to come over immediately, or go somewhere safe where you won’t be all by yourself. Isolation is never a good plan when you’re actively suicidal.

2. Get in touch with us at TheHopeLine or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline right away. As in, right now. Don’t put it off any longer. You deserve support in this moment, and there are kind, loving people ready to give it to you.

Okay, now that those two things are taken care of, let’s talk about hopelessness and challenge those suicidal thoughts.

When You Can’t See a Light at the End of the Tunnel

This world is a tough place to live, and sometimes it feels like life never stops pulling its punches. Whether you practice the healthiest coping mechanisms and actively seek counseling, or are a total stranger to self-care, therapy, and mental hygiene, there are going to be days when you get knocked down and just don’t want to get back up. And if you have a string of dark days all in a row? Well… it’s easy to see how the light at the end of the tunnel gets pretty dim, and you start to believe those good days were a myth to begin with.

If you believe that there’s no such thing as a good day, or those good days only happen to other people, that definitely sounds like hopelessness. In fact, you may be stuck in the cycle of a few unhealthy thinking patterns that are linked to depression and thoughts of suicide. If you simply can’t see a solution to your problems, whether they have to do with your school, your family, your friends, your love life, your body, or all of the above, your brain needs help getting out of that whirlpool of despair. It’s time to reach out to someone. 

It may not be that there IS no light at the end of the tunnel. It may be that it’s there, and your brain is hiding it from you. And since your brain is a powerful organ, you’re going to need help convincing it to let you see and feel the hope.

Who Can You Turn to, and What Do You Say?

“Get help” is what everyone says, right? But who exactly is supposed to help you? Part of feeling worthless, losing interest in life, and considering suicide is that you feel deeply alone. You may even have isolated yourself to the point that there isn’t really anyone you can think of to reach out to. So, when you read the words “get help,” that may make you feel worse. Stop. Remember the first sentence of this article? Here it is again: you are not alone! We’re right here, and we believe your life is worth living.

Click on this link if you don’t believe us.

Fine, so you’re not as alone as you feel, but once you reach out for help, what do you even say? Maybe you’ve tried to talk to people about this before, but they just don’t get it or even lectured or punished you for expressing these thoughts. Or you feel bad about being a burden, making them worry, or causing them pain. The great news is that if you chat with a Hope Coach, or with any hotline representative or other counselor, you don’t have to worry about shocking, hurting, or offending them.

They’ve heard it before and have chosen to be in a position to listen to your pain. There’s no wrong way to express it to them.

Here are some things you could say:

• Hi, I’m not okay. Things are just really hard lately, and I’m losing hope.
• I’ve lost all interest in the things I used to like.
• I feel like I’ve lost everything. I don’t know what to do.
• I don’t see the point of going on. What should I do?
• I think I’m suicidal. I need help.
• I don’t want to be alive anymore. Can you help me?
• I’m having suicidal thoughts, and I don’t know who else to turn to.

If you’re too scared or overwhelmed to come up with your own words right now, feel free to read one of those phrases aloud to someone on a hotline or even copy and paste them into TheHopeLine chat or email. The people on the other side are trained to take over from there, so take a deep breath, answer their questions, and let them help you.

Reasons to Keep Living

Remember how you’re not alone? You’re really not. In the US, almost 50,000 people die from suicide every year, but far more than that attempt to end their lives, survive, and go on to experience the hope and fulfillment they thought they never could. Some of those survivors have shared reasons they are glad they didn’t succeed and why they are glad to be alive today. If you’re struggling to figure out what’s worth fighting for in your life, take a look at two of the most highly reported things these survivors live for:

• Relationships. They are glad to be alive so that they can experience the connection they get from friends and family.
• Purpose. They have used their life to serve others, and they can see how the world is better off for having them in it.

Small Victories

If you made it to the end of this article, celebrate. That might sound or feel silly, but you, who were feeling so hopeless, worthless, and useless a few minutes ago actually took the incredibly brave and difficult step of reaching out into the darkness and grasping for hope by searching for and reading advice that might save your life. In a way, that means you do recognize the value of your life. That’s a victory! Look for other small victories that can help you make it through each moment as you continue your journey toward better mental health. Wash your face, drink a glass of water, text a friend, pet your dog, water a plant, etc. Any of those things are small but crucial victories that prove once again that you are a capable and worthwhile human being who deserves to live and live abundantly.

If you haven’t yet, reach out to us at TheHopeLine. We’d love to share resources with you and help you along on your journey toward believing that your life is sacred, and that you were created for so much more than the despair that’s been plaguing your heart. 

Remember: You’re not alone, suicide is never the only answer, and there are ways to get help. Don’t give up!

If you were not on this earth, life for everyone else who is still here would never be the same. Read, "Why Life if Worth Fighting For". 

My Experience With Depression and Suicide

I Thought My Brain Was Broken

I hope I haven't always been, but ever since I was little, I used to think there was always something telling me I was worthless and ugly; I thought my brain was broken. When I grew up my brother was going through a hard time, and he took it out on me by hitting me very hard. He would call me fat, ugly, worthless, terrible; it shaped how I still think of myself to this day. Since he was seven years older than me, and I was very young it affected me badly.

My mother and father would ignore me when I was angry or upset. I became older and it seemed like the world was crashing down on me. I hated my life so badly, but I also hated that I was ungrateful; I knew others were in worst positions than me, so I shoved my feelings down. Occasionally I would just lie on my floor, barely able to breathe, so angry and miserable that I would cry for long periods of time, staring in the mirror and hating myself.

Releasing Pain from My Body

I remember when I started to self-harm; the way it stung right before it bled made me feel better. It was like I was releasing pain from my body. When my mother found out about it, she hit me and screamed. I started to cut myself around my ribs and on my side to hide the marks, I couldn't stop.

During this time, I made a lot of friends who made me behave badly. I started to become very sexual, thinking that if boys wanted me, it meant I was beautiful. I was too young to think like this, but my best friend was doing it, so I decided to. I did things I regret so much that I still stay up thinking about them. I worry that more people will find out, and I actually fear that I will be in a lot of trouble, not just with my family.

I Wrote Suicide Notes

Somehow, I felt like someone was taking over my body and making me hate myself and helping me make bad decisions. I started therapy and I hated it, at first. I felt too vulnerable, like I wasn't strong, and I was so mentally unstable that I deserved to be in an institution. I realize I was wrong now; I was very strong. I cried a lot and got very angry at myself when I did, I learned later that this was because my parents have shamed me for crying growing up. My therapist seemed threatening to me, and I never fully got comfortable.  The lowest point was when I wrote suicide notes.

"I thought that I was meant to be the girl who killed herself, I didn't think I had a future." 
I started to take medicine for my depression, and it helped. Fighting with my parents became worse, and I was still making horrible decisions with boys at such a young age. My mother made me feel worthless, my father ignored me when she would strike me.

I'm Learning How to Cope

Eventually, the sadness ebbed away, my irritability started to lessen, I ignored my bad temptations. I was still depressed but I could handle it. After many different medicines and large upward and downward spikes in my mental health, I became stable. I got closer with friends, I stayed away from relationships until I loved myself, I stopped wanting to cut. My story is not very well written because I am still ashamed and will not write out the details. I want the readers to know that I am still struggling, that every day is a battle, but I learned how to cope. This is not exactly a happy ending, since I am lonely and still being bullied and harassed for my old behavior. Life doesn't give you happy endings, but you can make the best of it.  Having a mental illness is not a bad thing, and if you have one, you're allowed to feel and exist, you are not a burden.

There is hope!

-Elanor

A Message from TheHopeLine: 

Life is hard and you don't have to go through it alone. You are not a burden, and you deserve to be heard and understood. TheHopeLine is here to help you by offering sound advice and a safe place to connect. Take the next step and chat with a Hope Coach today.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Do I Stay With an Addict?

I'm Engaged to a Drug Addict

Our featured guest is Sharona. She’s facing an extremely tough decision. Does she try to stay and support her drug-addicted fiancé one more time or does she leave him for good? His pattern is in and out of drugs, in and out of rehab, in and out of following God. Most important to consider is their 3 kids. Sharona wants them safe and secure.

Here’s Sharona’s story:

I’m 20 years old and have 2 beautiful girls and 1 baby boy on the way. I’m engaged to a drug addict. He’s been on drugs since he was 14 and he’s now 25. I’m living with him and his mom. He’s been relapsing. He’s only been able to be clean for maybe half a year. I’ve left many times but leaving is not always the right thing answer.

I am a believer in God and getting closer to God with him. I’m trying to get through to him instead of him doing these hardcore drugs. I want to be assured that I’m supposed to stay because we have a family together. I do really love him. I grew up in foster care and I always wanted a family to always love me and never be broken. That’s not what I want for my children. Right now, he’s in rehab and this is his last chance or it’s prison for 5 to 10 years. I want to be there to help him, but this is the third time. Am I wrong for wanting to stay with him?

Am I Wrong for Staying?

He’s going to get out of rehab in 45 days. The rehab program is Christian-based and then after that he has to go to probation. He has one more chance before he is sent to prison. How do I know what to do? I know I have to have faith. I have to protect myself and my kids. Am I wrong for staying or should I go?

Dawson: That’s a tough one. I have a question, What’s best for the kids?

Sharona: For me, even for them, what’s best is a family together.

Dawson: What’s best for the kids is to have a family together, but that doesn’t seem to be working out.

Sharona: It’s very hard to not have a daddy to look up to and a mother.

Dawson: I’m with you, the kids come first. We’re going to get some people to call and help who’ve probably been there.

Peer to Peer Advice for Sharona

Sharona gets advice from her peers, from people who’ve been there and have advice and encouragement for her.

You are the daughter of the Most-High God. – Heather

My pastor growing up has always told us to see ourselves as the most amazing, beautiful house you could think of, and that’s how God sees you. You wouldn’t go into a palace and just start smashing it with a hammer. And that’s what’s happening in my opinion to Sharona. She should be treating herself as the daughter of the most-high God and her children as they are children of God.

I know it seem easier to stay together for the 3 kids. I’m a single mother of 3 kids myself. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it, to know that my kids are in a Godly home. That they know God, and they’re not exposed to the negative decisions of my ex-husband with drugs, and he was a bad person.

Keeping the Kiddos Safe is Most Important – Rachel

I so appreciate that she wants to make sure her family stays as one. But the most important thing is to recognize that these kids need to be safe, in a safe environment. And with the constant substance abuse, in and out of the home, that’s not a safe environment for these kiddos. They are growing up realizing that people can come and go. Just like their mom, she said she grew up in foster care, and that’s traumatic. That’s not something anyone wishes on anyone. To make sure these kiddos are safe…that’s the selfless parent love making sure they are taken care of. And allow dad to get the help he needs while he’s in rehab. And we can pray for him. It’s never too late for him to turn his life around. Just because he’s been in rehab before doesn’t mean it won’t work. We can pray, and hope and expect his recovery.

I was with a drug addict for 8 years. - Lisa

I was with a drug addict for 8 years. After 3 years of being together, I thought maybe if we got married, he would change.

Marrying someone because you love them, does not change the addiction. It changed my children, and they needed to see me get strong enough to say it’s time to let go. Because in me staying with him, I was enabling him.

He is now clean and sober, but we are not together and never will be together again. I have become a stronger person. He’s become a stronger person. And in turn my children have turned to Christ now and we are now a Christian family.

If you could change one thing, what would it be?

I would have realized earlier in the situation that I can’t change him. He had to change him. He would go to rehab and come out saying I’m back being with God and then he’d do the exact same thing. He’d get sober, saying he was a Godly man, and he wasn’t. He was abusive with my children. If you stay in the same situation, you are enabling the addict. It doesn’t matter how much you love him. It doesn’t matter how much your children love him. It took me to realize that God had to be in charge, not me. Since he was forced to be alone, he is now back with God, and he is now clean.

Not an Easy Choice

The problem with addiction is that it’s almost always accompanied by abuse, neglect, fighting, dysfunction, lies, deceit, and the list goes on. When a person is constantly high or thinking about the next high, they are not focused on their family or the needs of their loved ones. They usually can barely take care of themselves, and many times don’t. And unfortunately, that leaves all the responsibility of your family to you, Sharona. Which is a lot to carry, but you don’t have to do it alone. God will help you. And you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. (Phil 4:13)

Our first peer-to-peer caller, Heather, says to treat yourself like the daughter of the King, which you are since you belong to God. As God says to His people in 2 Corinthians 6:18, “I will be a Father to you, you and will be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”

I know you Sharona really want your kids safe, secure, and healthy. And the consensus is to prioritize your children and what’s best for them. And as Rachel said, your fiancé being in and out of the home, on and off drugs, it’s not a safe environment for them.

Sharona, I’m confident that God is working in your life. Here you are, not just doing whatever, making snap decisions, but instead you’re thinking about how you should handle this and weighing the consequences of your decisions. You’re also asking for advice…that’s wisdom!

It’s not an easy choice to be single, raising 3 kids, but it is necessary until your fiancé is clean and can be a force for good in your lives. And so, Sharona, let’s wrap up with this verse, Ephesians 6:10, “Be supernaturally infused with strength through your life union with the Lord Jesus. Stand victorious with the force of his explosive power flowing in and through you.”

Resources for addiction:

• Someone I love Has an Addiction: Can I Help?
• Recovery from Addiction
• Addiction Recovery Help: Can I Avoid Another Relapse?
• Podcast EP 36: How to Cope and Stay Clean After Prison
• How to Help Someone Who Is Overdosing

Relevant eBooks:

• Understanding Substance Abuse
• Understanding a Relationship with God

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,
My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.