Posts by TheHopeLine Team

TikTokers like @iamlilstitious, @ren.aissancewoman, and @thejeffreymarsh have shared their journeys going #nocontact with toxic family members, bringing much needed visibility to just how difficult it is to come to the conclusion that cutting ties is the only healthy way forward. There are a million reasons why you may never want to talk to someone again, from outright abuse to simply having different values. Sometimes going zero-contact is necessary for your physical safety or your emotional well-being, even if the other person used to be your best friend, was your partner, or is a member of your family. Usually, by the time a person chooses to go zero-contact, they’ve tried every other way possible to reconcile with this person and maintain a relationship, but they’ve simply been too hurt to continue being in touch.

How to Forgive and Still Set Boundaries

Reasons to Go Zero-Contact

Why would you go so far as to cut someone off completely? And who is it that people might cut contact with? Mental health professionals and members of law enforcement might recommend going zero-contact with toxic family members, ex partners, or even destructive friends, especially when abuse and safety are involved. Other toxic traits that may lead you to cut someone off might be narcissistic tendencies like gaslighting, neglecting your relationship or being inconsistent in supporting you, taking way more from you than they give in return, and refusing to address destructive or inappropriate behaviors.

You might want to talk to a counselor about going zero-contact with someone if:

• You’ve attempted to have conversations about the problems in your relationship and to establish boundaries, but there is no attempt to respect your needs.
• You’ve asked this person to seek treatment for their issues, but they refuse.
• You’ve experienced repeated verbal or emotional abuse, but they refuse to acknowledge their role in the abuse or in enabling the abuser.
• You’ve felt abandoned or neglected, and spending time with the person leaves you feeling emotionally depleted.
• You feel unsafe allowing this person to have your contact info or home address.
• You’re unable to live your life peacefully as long as you remain in touch with this person because they refuse to respect your boundaries.
• There is nothing positive to gain from staying in a relationship, even if it means losing other important relationships.

Are You Ready to Forgive?

When you're so hurt by someone that you choose to remove them from your life completely, it may take quite a long time before you feel ready to forgive them. And that’s okay! The first step after going zero-contact should be taking care of your mental health. When you cut someone off who’s played a huge role in your life, it’s normal to feel grief over the loss of the relationship or the loss of the future you thought you’d have with them, anger about their behavior or about what they took from you, pain from the emotional damage they caused, or even hatred of the person for hurting you deeply.

How, then, could you ever feel like forgiving someone you hate or who’s hurt you repeatedly? If you’ve worked with a mental health professional or, perhaps, a support group to process going zero-contact and the trauma you experienced that led to that point, you may eventually find that your lingering feelings of anger or hatred have begun to disrupt your new life. That means, even without any contact, this person still has a hold on you, despite the hard work you’ve done to get healthy. If you’re otherwise happy and healthy, but the anger or pain sometimes circles back around to get in the way of your new life, it may be time to consider forgiveness so that you can let go and eliminate that last little bit of power this person has over you.

But what if they don’t deserve forgiveness? Well… they probably don’t! To lose all chance of a relationship with you, they did something terrible. No doubt! But are you willing to be eaten alive by your pain and anger, thus sacrificing the new life you’ve worked so hard to build? This act of forgiveness is for you, not for them. You don’t have to tell them you forgive them, and you don’t even have to “forgive and forget.” In fact, it’s important to forgive and remember because you’ve learned valuable boundaries from this experience that you can use forever and even share with others.

How to Forgive Someone Without Contact

While it would be nice to imagine that someday this person might amend their ways and come to you for forgiveness, the harsh reality of going zero-contact is that you’ve likely already learned that the person isn’t going to change. Getting back in touch with them to inform them of your intent to forgive them would likely open that toxic door all over again, so if you’re ready to forgive, you simply don’t tell them. If you need to find a way to make the forgiveness feel real without telling them, you could try:

• Writing a letter to them that you don’t intend to send, expressing the number of ways they hurt you, how you’ve moved on with your life, and how you’re letting go of the past. 
• Telling a trusted friend who knows your story that you’ve forgiven the person and having a conversation with them about why.
• Asking a counselor to roleplay a conversation with you in which the counselor plays the person who hurt you and you tell them they’re forgiven.
• Performing a kind of “forgiveness ceremony” in which you take items that remind you of the person or of past hurts and throw them away, burn them, or bury them to signify that you have let go.
• Praying aloud and asking God to forgive the person as well so that you can let go and be at peace with the idea that the future is bright and new, regardless of what happened in the past.

Moving Forward Without Them

Remember that forgiveness is often a practice, rather than a one-time thing. Just because one day you might feel like forgiving them, the next day, you might feel grief and anger. When that happens, you may have to take a moment to remind yourself that you’ve let go of the past and wish to move on with your new life in peace.

The idea of forgiveness comes back to the idea of peace, every time. God Himself forgives us when we don’t deserve it so that He can be at peace with those He loves instead of being at odds with us. When you are forgiven through Christ, you are free to move into your future in love and hope, regardless of your past mistakes. If you want to talk more about His forgiveness, forgiving someone who hurt you, or about going zero-contact with someone in your life, talk to your therapist, counselor, or one of our Hope Coaches today!

Forgiving someone who hurt you could be the greatest challenge in your life, but also the most freeing and healing. Here are 6 steps on how to forgive.

My name is Thomas and this is my story:

My best friend, who is a girl, and I were having difficulties in our relationship. Our parents told us to stop talking because we were getting too close.

When we finally were able to talk again, this girl told me we needed to kill the relationship. I didn't know what this meant or what I should do. Should I do what the girl wanted me to do or was the girl just saying this because she wanted me to back away for a while? I didn't know. My heart was broken.

My Heartbreak Story

I Found Hope and Trust

I started chatting with a HopeCoach because I didn't trust anybody I knew.

The HopeCoach helped me understand what I should do. He gave me insight and wisdom as to what I should be doing. He gave me hope and a plan for the future.

I am grateful for this help.  I needed advice and he helped me out.

Resources for a Broken Heart:

Heartbreak can hit suddenly and with a lot of force. It is possible to experience heartbreak and then find healing afterward. Visit our broken heart topic page for help.

Every year in March we dedicate some time to be aware of the pervasive problem of self-injury. To those who have never struggled with the compulsion to hurt themselves, it can be nearly impossible to imagine WHY the people you love would ever want to do such a thing. It might seem drastic, counterintuitive, or even dramatic to someone who does not understand. What you need to know, if you suspect that a person in your life has been self-injuring, is that self-harm is an all too common symptomatic behavior of many mental health problems.

What to Know About Self-Harm

Why Would Someone Hurt Themselves?

From “run of the mill” depression and anxiety to eating disorders and borderline personality disorder, mental illness often leaves its victims with the desperate urge to hurt themselves. Why? Do they want to commit suicide? Not necessarily.  Though it’s not always a sign of suicidality, that is probably the most well-known reason behind self-harm in pop culture. In reality, the “why” behind self-harm can be extreme feelings of isolation, the desire to find relief from another intensely painful feeling, to distract from overwhelm, to cope with numbness, to have a sense of control, or to self-punish because of a deep sense of shame.

How Might Someone Hurt Themselves?

Self-injury isn’t just cutting. Though that’s often the first behavior that comes to mind when we broach the subject of self-harm, there are a lot of other ways that self-injurious tendencies can manifest. Common forms of self-harm include:

• Cutting - using a sharp edge to draw blood and leave marks on the skin.
• Burning - using a match, lighter, or other heat source to cause pain, create blisters, or leave marks on the skin.
• Scratching - using fingernails or an object to rub the skin raw, perhaps even drawing blood and leaving a scar.
• Self-hitting - using fists, palms, or an object to make repeated blows at one’s own body, causing pain and even bruising. 
• Pinching - using fingers or objects to pinch parts of the body until pain, numbness, or even loss of circulation occurs in an area.
• Head-banging - hitting the head against a wall or other object to cause pain or bruising, even resulting in concussions.
• Piercing skin with needles or other sharp objects - similar to cutting, this can be with the intention of drawing blood or leaving a mark. Some may even have an addiction to visiting tattoo and piercing parlors.
• Hair pulling - forcibly removing hair from the body, resulting in bleeding and bald spots.
• Inserting objects under the skin - can also result in bleeding, bruising, or even infection.

Self-harm could also manifest as disordered eating, excessive exercise, choosing to go to locations or engaging in behaviors that could result in danger, or frankly even “doom-scrolling” on social media. Anything that a person does with the full knowledge that it could hurt their mind or body in an attempt to assuage the pain and overwhelm of their circumstances or mental illness could be considered self-harm. That doesn’t mean that if you spent 6 hours on TikTok yesterday that you were self-harming, but if that becomes a compulsive, repetitive behavior that impacts other areas of your life and remains a secret even to those closest to you, it might be worth discussing with a trusted adult or counselor.

How to Spot Self-Injury in Others

Those who engage in self-harm are often experts in hiding or disguising their behavior. They may be high achievers in school and well-liked by everyone who knows them. Even those who engage in a self-injuring behavior that leaves marks or scars know where and when to do so in a way that others may never see or notice their broken skin. They suffer in silence because they know being discovered would hurt their loved ones and possibly force them to stop their addictive behavior.

You’re likely not going to catch someone in the act of self-harm, but there are ways to detect self-injury if you know what to look for. If you notice any of these things in a friend or family member, they may be coping with self-injury:

• Visible or fresh  scars, bite marks, or bruises, often in a specific area of the body.
• Repeatedly rubbing or holding a certain spot on their body or a surprising tenderness or reaction to having a specific spot bumped or touched by others.
• Wearing long sleeves, pants, or hoodies even when it’s against dress code or the weather is too hot for such clothes. May also avoid or refuse to participate in activities that would require more revealing clothing.
• Consistently making excuses for visible injuries, odd clothing choices, or other suspicious behaviors.
• Consistent negative self-talk, expressions of hopelessness, or other signs of low self-esteem.

Do You Suspect Someone You Love May Be Self-Injuring?

Ultimately self-injury becomes an addiction. Though it starts as a coping mechanism, it often evolves into a crutch. The person depends on the release of self-harm in order to function daily and may even need to escalate the behavior to continue feeling relief. Because of this, it’s important that if you suspect self-harm, you say something. But how do you do that?

The most important thing to remember when it comes to confronting someone who might be self-harming is that they are already in pain and likely feel deep shame about what they do. That’s why they hide it! If you approach them with judgment, you’ll be proving their deep fear that nobody will understand what they’re going through. They need you to bring love, empathy, and patience with you into any conversation about their well-being. Try starting by telling them how much you care for them and letting them know that you’re ready to listen whenever they need to talk. If you’ve noticed specific signs of self-harm, tell them. They may be tired of hiding and longing to share what they’ve been going through. Just listen.

Let Them Know There’s Hope After Self-Harm

Once you’ve reached out and listened to the person in your life who’s self-harming, and if they’re ready to hear what you have to say, share with them that they are loved. They don’t have to go through this alone, and there is hope for a future without the pain they endure every day. Jesus is very familiar with a pain that leaves scars and loves us without judgment and regardless of our shame.In Him, we can cast off the burdens that might drive us toward self-injury, and we can also run to Him when we’ve gone back to old coping mechanisms time and again. Encourage your friend to reach out to a Hope Coach who can share Christ’s love with them and talk to them about their struggle.

Our Hope Coaches can also be a great help to you! They can help you process how to approach someone about self-injury or connect you with resources that can support you both. You can also text the Crisis Text Line or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. Nobody should have to go through a struggle with self-injury by themselves, and at TheHopeLine, we want you to know that there are people who want to provide nonjudgmental support to both you and your loved ones.

It can be very difficult to talk about self-harm, especially to parents. Find out how to talk to your parents about self-harm.

Hi, my name is Kristin and this is my story:

The hallucinations in my head were taking over any thought I could possibly have of getting out of this situation alive. All I could hear were voices telling me to give up, about anger and hatred and constant ideas of death and suicide. I have been through hell since I turned 11 and I still sometimes think it will never end.

But tonight, I was shown the love of God by the Hope Coach I talked to. Even though it seems that no one understands my dangerous hallucinations, the coach was extremely compassionate as I explained my situation to her.

I Don't Have to Be Afraid Anymore

She helped me push those voices out of my head so I could focus on the truth: God is love and is protecting my life.  I don't have to be afraid anymore. Even though these voices will continue to attack my head, I can always remember that God is on my side. The voices are gone for tonight and I can finally sleep in peace.

Thank you HopeLine for taking the time to listen to my story and help me through one of the hardest nights of my life!

Resources for Self-Harm and Suicidal Thoughts:

We have a partnership with Door of Hope, an organization that specializes in helping people who self-harm. Door of Hope has crisis care advocates that provide free services via texting, email and phone. Please check them out - Door of Hope

When your suicidal thoughts start to run around in your mind, you can contact any one of the organizations listed here - Suicide Prevention Resources.

You also might benefit from reading how Amanda broke free from her struggle with self-harm - Breaking Free From Self-Harm

And please read this to remind yourself of reasons it is worthwhile to keep working at life -  Why Say No to Suicide

About a year and a half ago, I would worry myself absolutely sick about my fiancé's faith. I was obsessive about praying for him and spent many long hours sobbing and pleading with God to give me a sign that everything was going to work out, only to be constantly dissatisfied with the proof I was shown. My heart would sink whenever my fiancé said something that deterred my ideals.

How I Navigate My Fiancé's Faith

Deep Resentment Towards Religion

One night, I just couldn't sleep. I had been crying for about two hours, and I needed someone to talk to. So after searching online, I came across TheHopeLine.com. A very kind and patient Hope Coach named Val talked with me for over an hour, listening to my plight as I explained my situation:

My fiancé was raised by a very hateful, cultist, alcoholic atheist and had been abused, in all definitions of the word, by various church members, while the church did nothing but cover it all up. This caused a deep resentment for religion to grow in his heart. Over time spent with my family, he gradually warmed up to the faith, calling himself a Christian, and reading the Bible. There was a noticeable change in his heart and convictions.

We Are All Flawed

But that wasn't enough for me. See, I, like many others, was raised with a very cut and dry picture of what a Christian man should be…a picture that somehow forgot to include the fact that the "man" portion of "Christian man" meant that he was still allowed to have struggles and flaws. A man is allowed to be angry and confused, to experience pain and suffering. My fiancé' was allowed to be human, even while he strove to be like God.

Val instructed me with both sympathy and strong adherence to the Bible to wait, and to listen to God instead of my fears. Of course…that wasn't an easy task. So often we are surrounded by towering waves of "What Ifs" that we fail to see Jesus standing above the chaos, holding his hand out to us.

Hope Coach Guided Me Through My Anger at God

Today my fiancé is a strong believer, and there's not a doubt in my mind that he's saved. He prayed for me and guided me in a time when I was angry at God and lashing out in extreme ways, he rebuked me in love when I cursed Him.  He's witnessed to his friends on multiple occasions. He has an actual relationship with the Lord that isn't beholden on me and what I think of him.

Is he a perfect man? No. But no one is. My advice to anyone who reads this is just to wait and see what God has planned for you, (If you're not in danger, of course) and never to be afraid to reach out to other believers in a time of need.  We are family, we are here to help. Be still and know that He is God and He is bigger than your fears.

Are you struggling with someone in your life who has lost faith in God? Read What To Do if a Friend Loses Faith in God.

We all make mistakes. If you’ve found yourself in the sticky situation of having cheated on your partner, you’re a card-carrying member of the mistake-making club. Just kidding… there is no such club, or if there is, it’s just called “humanity.” Unfortunately, though, just because we all make mistakes doesn’t mean that your mistakes don’t matter or that they won’t have devastating consequences. Cheating, in any form and at any stage in a relationship, can have some deeply hurtful repercussions for everyone involved.

This article isn’t about how to recover if you’ve been cheated on, and it’s not about how to save your relationship with the person you cheated on. We do have articles on those topics, but today we’re speaking directly to you, the cheater, about how you can stop the dishonest behaviors you see in yourself and learn to build healthy relationships based on respect. Keep reading if you’ve been wondering:

• “What’s wrong with me?”
• “How do I stop cheating?”
• “Why am I hurting people I care about?”
• “Am I broken?”

How to Prevent Cheating

8 Ways to Stop Cheating

1. First and foremost: stop cheating. Sure, there are more things to think about, and we’ll get to those next. But if you are wondering how to stop cheating while actively involved in a cheating situation, something’s out of alignment. Do you really want to learn how to stop cheating? If yes, then get in touch with the parties involved, and break things off. Inform the person (or people) you’ve been seeing or talking to in secret that it’s over. Inform your partner(s) that you need some time, and yes, that should include coming clean about your infidelity. You can’t stop cheating while you’re still cheating. Plain and simple.

2. Acknowledge that you’ve hurt people. You need to admit to yourself that what you’ve done has caused pain for the person you’ve cheated on, but it’s also caused pain to you and possibly close friends and family members as well. Cheating, even if it is a secret, is not a victimless crime. You underestimate the damage you’re doing to yourself with every lie if you think you’re getting away without hurting yourself.

3. Figure out why you started cheating in the first place. There are several reasons why people cheat, and determining the root cause of your behavior is key to learning where you need to grow. Consider talking to a counselor or therapist about what fears, insecurities, or motivations are behind the choices you’ve made.

4. Look at your personal relationship with the truth. It’s pretty much impossible to cheat without lying, and if you think you never lied while you were cheating, you’re probably lying to yourself. Furthermore, if you’ve been lying about something this big, chances are you learned to lie a long time ago, have gotten pretty good at it, and do it in a lot of areas of your life. Are you afraid of the truth? Do you simply prefer the narrative you’ve created with lies to the reality of your life? What would happen if you suddenly started being honest with yourself and those around you?

5. Process any shame or guilt you may be feeling. Once you’ve acknowledged that you’ve done something wrong, feelings of regret, guilt, and shame are likely to set in. It’s important to learn how to respond to those feelings without plummeting into despair and self-hate. This is another time it might be a good idea to seek counsel from a therapist.

6. Forgive yourself. Even if the people you’ve hurt can’t forgive you for what you’ve done, in order to move on, you will need to forgive yourself eventually. Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean that you are ignoring the pain you’ve caused, and it doesn’t mean you’re dismissing the wrong that has been done. It simply means that you believe you are more than your mistakes, and you’re willing to believe that you’re worthy of a better future.

7. Rebuild trust. This begins with yourself. If you’re used to lying to everyone, including yourself, you need to teach yourself that you are trustworthy by being trustworthy. Start practicing honesty with yourself, your friends, your family members, and eventually with romantic interests. Honesty requires vulnerability, which makes it scary, but it’s a cornerstone of building healthy relationships moving forward.

8. Set yourself up for success. There are a number of ways you can protect yourself from falling into this trap again. Start with your answer to #3. Go to the core reason behind your cheating, and think of some ways you can find accountability and remove temptation from your daily life. This could look like talking with a therapist or relationship counselor regularly. It could also look like giving up alcohol, drugs, or social media…any of those things that open doors that you would prefer to keep closed. Some couples go so far as to have an “open phone policy,” where you know each other’s passcodes and are comfortable knowing that their partner may see what’s on their phone at any time. Only you know the things that may tempt you or make it easier to cheat again, so take time to decide what you need to do moving forward to make sustainable behavior change.

Building a Future Full of Healthy Relationships

Whether your relationship with the person you’ve cheated on recovers or not, the point of learning how to stop cheating is to be able to form healthy relationships in the future. All healthy relationships are based on a foundation of trust and respect. Until you address your mistakes, forgive yourself, and rebuild trust in yourself, you may struggle to build the kind of relationships that are both lasting and fulfilling. You may lose some people who have been important to you in the process of rebuilding how you act in relationships, and that is always difficult. Ultimately, though, building a future rooted in honesty will be worth it. Whatever you’ve done in the past, you can and will be loved for who you are because you are already loved, fully and completely.

If you’re not sure how to proceed from here, or if you want to find out more about the abiding, unconditional love of God, reach out to a Hope Coach today or check out our free ebook called Understanding Cheating. There is always hope, and you don’t have to do this alone.

Heartbreak hurts. Excruciatingly so. In fact, a broken heart hurts so badly that it makes you feel like you might die. But you aren’t really dying, right? Not exactly… Experts like Dr. Guy Winch have studied how the brain responds to a broken heart, however, and it may surprise you to find out that the way a brain reacts to a broken heart is similar to what happens when a brain goes into withdrawal from drug addiction. How is that possible? Dopamine and oxytocin.

How Heartbreak Impacts Your Health

Relationship Withdrawal

We were created to be in relationship with other people. Community and social bonds make life easier, more fun, and increase our chances of happiness and survival. That’s why, when we bond with someone, especially a best friend, family member, or romantic partner, the brain triggers the dopamine and oxytocin systems to signal that this is a rewarding activity. It makes us feel good! Or, in the case of substance abuse, it makes us dependent and unable to naturally produce our own dopamine and oxytocin without the external cue of our “drug.”

Just like when drug or alcohol abusers are detoxing or “coming down” from their addiction substance, a breakup–the sudden removal or loss of those dopamine and oxytocin booster signals–causes you to enter a literal state of withdrawal. While relationship withdrawal is not nearly as severe or life-threatening as substance abuse withdrawal can be, it does make you feel terrible. So if you’re wondering if it’s possible that your broken heart is causing you physical pain, it is! Your brain became accustomed to having that relationship as a source of dopamine and oxytocin, and now, that’s gone.

Broken Heart Syndrome

We’ve all heard stories of people dying of a broken heart, and while those may be an exaggeration, the physical symptoms of a broken heart have been so widely reported over the years that it’s hard to deny that they’re real. There’s a colloquial term for one such symptom: broken heart syndrome, also known as stress-induced cardiomyopathy. This phenomenon is known to mimic the feeling of having a heart attack, usually directly following extreme emotional stress. While it’s not life-threatening, it has brought folks to the emergency room in fear that they’re literally dying. 

You probably can’t get an official diagnosis for broken heart syndrome, but if you’re experiencing overwhelming physical symptoms after your breakup, you should talk to your doctor about whether you might be experiencing anxiety, panic attacks, or a depressive episode–when a specific circumstance causes or increases symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder. Depression and anxiety come with their own sets of debilitating physical symptoms, which could explain why you may feel like your broken heart is killing you.

Physical Signs of a Broken Heart

The very real impact of a broken heart on your body can look like the following:

• Disturbance in sleep patterns, whether that be insomnia or sleeping too much. Loss of sleep, the inability to wake up at a “normal” time, or suddenly needing several hours more sleep per day than usual are all signs that your body is in some form of distress. 
• Disturbance in appetite or digestion patterns, whether that presents as loss of appetite, an insatiable desire to numb feelings with binge eating, sudden weight gain/loss, irritable bowel syndrome, heartburn, or nausea and vomiting. 
• Tightness in chest, a racing heart, dizziness, or shaking.
• Constant head and/or body aches.
• Extreme fatigue or listlessness that inhibits your ability to focus.
• Weakened immune system. Your body is working hard to heal from recent stress and may not have the resources it normally does to battle common bacteria and viruses.

If you’re experiencing any of the above symptoms, it’s important that you seek help.

What Can You Do About Your Broken Heart?

In some cases, we may (literally) be chemically addicted to love or a specific relationship, which means that a broken heart is (literally) relationship withdrawal. If recovering from a broken heart, then, can look like recovering from an addiction, how can you walk yourself through “relationship rehab” and journey toward healing?

• Cut off your supply. You don’t recover from drug addiction while you’re still taking the drug. You don’t want to try to recover from this breakup while still engaging with your ex. Even if it’s just for now, stop talking to, hanging out with, and otherwise engaging with your ex. Hide or discard anything that reminds you of them. If you need to block their phone number and social media accounts, do so. You can always unblock later.
• Reach out for support. Any effective treatment program is going to encourage you to lean on trusted friends and family while you recover. You don’t have to, and some would argue that you can’t, do this alone. Get yourself a “breakup sponsor” or two whether it’s your mom or your best friend. It’s so helpful to have someone you can call or text when you start feeling bad or craving that old relationship.
• Mark your calendar. Most treatment programs also last for a set amount of time. A few weeks to several months. That amount of time isn’t guaranteed to “fix” your problem, and every person heals at their own pace. It may help you visualize and prioritize your healing journey, however, if you open your calendar or planner and decide your breakup recovery is going to last at least 2 weeks/months/years or whatever feels right to you.
• Don’t make any major decisions. Now may not be the time to chop off your hair, move to a new city, quit your job, or start a new relationship. Run any big ideas by your support network just to make sure you’re staying true to yourself, not just reacting to your recent distress.
• Prioritize rest. Your brain is going through a lot. You’re going to be tired. Get your basic 8 hours of sleep and don’t overbook your schedule.
• Prioritize health. Eat nutritious foods. Stay hydrated. Move your body. If your body isn’t functioning properly, it’s not going to be able to cope with any physical symptoms you have.
• Reflect, process, and come to terms with reality. There’s usually a lot of talk therapy, support groups, and journaling in a recovery program. Give yourself that space too. Talk through important questions with friends or explore them in a journal: Do you have a love addiction? Were you unhealthily dependent upon the relationship that just ended? How did the relationship change you, for better and for worse? What did you appreciate about the relationship, and what would you do differently in your next one? What else is important to you in life besides romantic relationships?
• Look for fun and healthy ways to replace some of those dopamine and oxytocin triggers. Get into yoga. Go outside–there’s a reason so many addiction treatment programs incorporate nature and outdoor activities in their program. There are even studies that suggest getting your hands literally dirty while gardening or potting plants can increase your dopamine levels.

What’s the Spiritual Perspective on Heartbreak?

Listen to the opening lyrics of  “Come As You Are” by David Crowder:

Come out of sadness

From wherever you’ve been

Come broken hearted

Let rescue begin.

God Himself is no stranger to heartbreak, and even Jesus wept with sorrow. The Bible is filled with verses of hope, empathy, and strength for those who are hurting. All you have to do is reach out for help, and you’ll receive it. If you want help understanding how God can help you with your pain, talk to a Hope Coach today. You are not alone, and there is light in the darkness. We’ll leave you with a promise from the same song:

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal.

If you have been struggling silently with an eating disorder, it’s time to seek help. What does seeking help look like? For a lot of us it means talking to our parents, which may be an intimidating prospect. The truth is, however, that your parents have access to a lot more resources than you would if you tried to face your problems alone. If you’re not sure how to approach this conversation with Mom and Dad, we’ve come up with a few ways you can go about that conversation.

How to Be Open About an Eating Disorder

How to Bring Up Eating Disorders with Your Parents

Getting a hard conversation started is the hardest part, so set yourself up for success. Don’t try to bring this up in the middle of a busy moment, because your parents won’t be able to give you the attention this subject deserves. Choose a time when you know your parents won’t be distracted or ask them in advance if you can have a talk with them about something important. Here are a few things you could say:

• “We had Eating Disorder Awareness Week at school, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Do you think we could talk later? I need your support figuring some things out.”
• “Could we set aside some time to chat this week? I have an important thing to run by you, and I don’t want us to be distracted.”
• “Do you have a second? Would now be an okay time to talk about something important?”

Once you have your parents’ attention, it may be tough to figure out how to jump into the subject of eating disorders. First, take a deep breath. What you’re doing is brave, caring, and necessary. Try saying something like this:

• “So I’ve been learning a lot about symptoms of [the eating disorder you think you have], and I think I have it. I think I’ve had it for a while now, since [the first time you noticed your symptoms]. Can we talk about what to do next?”
• “I’ve been [list some of your symptoms]. I think that could mean I have [your particular eating disorder]. It’s gotten to the point that I feel like I need your help. Can we talk about it?”

Take another deep breath. The hardest part is over! Getting help for an eating disorder is a process, but telling someone is a great first step. 

How to Address Your Parents Questions

It’s a hard thing to hear that someone you love is struggling, so don’t be surprised if your parents have a million questions after you tell them you’re battling an eating disorder. It’s tough to answer a bunch of questions when you’re going through a hard time, so don’t be afraid to let your parents know that you’re overwhelmed. You can say something like this:

• “I know you have questions. I do too. Can you slow down and just give me a hug right now? I don’t have a lot of answers for you, and I’m scared.”
• “All the questions are a little overwhelming right now. I came to you for help because I’m not sure what to do next. Can we do the research together?”
• “I feel like I’m in trouble for struggling because of the interrogation. Can we go through your questions later? It took a lot for me to come to you today, and I’m feeling tired.”

When you’re ready to listen to your parents’ questions, you can be prepared for them to be curious about what your symptoms are, how long you’ve been experiencing this problem, and where you think the cause of the problem comes from. While it’s an extremely vulnerable thing to share these kinds of details, this is the kind of information that’s important when it comes to figuring out the next steps for treatment. Take some time to prepare for this part of the conversation. You can start with some of the following phrases:

• “The symptoms that make me feel like I have this eating disorder are ____, ____, and ____.”
• “The first time I remember having any of these symptoms was ____.”
• “I’m not sure exactly why this started, but it seems like ____ and ____ are factors.”

It’s also completely acceptable if your answer to some of their questions is “I don’t know.” You aren’t suddenly an expert in eating disorders just because you’re experiencing the symptoms, and part of recovery is learning everything you can about the disorder. When it comes to the questions you and your parents both have, let them know that there are plenty of resources available for eating disorder education. You can start with this list, but be sure to consult a professional to get recommendations specific to you:

• Eating Disorder Awareness Week: How to Find Help
• NationalEatingDisordersAwareness.org
• What Are Eating Disorders & How to Recover
• Disordered Eating: Do I Have an Eating Disorder?
• Eating Disorders: What is OSFED?

Ask Your Parents for What You Need

The whole point of going to your parents about your eating disorder is to get help! Once you and your family have had a conversation and explored some research about the topic, make sure you ask them for the specific kinds of help you’re hoping to get. Let your research guide you here if you aren’t sure what you need, and when in doubt, seeing both a mental health professional and your primary care physician is an excellent first step. Try expressing your needs to your parents in the following ways:

• “I came to you because I want to find help. I think the first step is to see my doctor and get evaluated for an official diagnosis. Can we make an appointment soon?”
• “I think something that would really help me would be to see a therapist or counselor. Can we look for somebody nearby who I could talk to about this?”
• “I know mornings/evenings are really busy for our family, but I could use some accountability when it comes to breakfast/dinner. Can I ask that someone share those meals with me so that I’m less tempted to skip or binge?”
• “My body image is something I am really sensitive about, so it would be great if we could make a family rule not to comment on each other’s bodies, clothes, or appearance.”
• “It would help me feel supported in this if you would commit to seeking counseling with me. Sometimes disordered eating runs in families, and I’m a little nervous about going to therapy by myself.”

Don’t feel the need to ask for the above things if they don’t sound right for you, but we encourage you to seek an official diagnosis with your doctor. Treatment for eating disorders varies based on which one you have and the severity of your symptoms, so the best way to ensure that you get the right kind of help is to discuss your struggle with a physician. Your parents should be able to help you get an appointment and accompany you if you want.

There is Hope

Nobody has a perfect relationship with their parents, but hopefully you feel that they can be there for you when something as important as your health is concerned. If, however, your parents respond to this conversation in a way that doesn’t make you feel supported, or if you don’t feel safe talking to them in the first place, you’re not alone. You can reach out to TheHopeLine to talk to someone who will offer you unconditional support and even help you get connected with resources that can assist you with your journey to recovery. We believe that you deserve to feel hope, love, and peace as you bravely pursue recovery from disordered eating, because you were created by a God who sees you and knows your struggle. 

Do you find yourself obsessing over what you see in the mirror? Here are 6 ways how to not obsess over appearance. 

Each year we take some time to call awareness to the ever-present problem of eating disorders. Eating Disorder Awareness Week is all about educating folks on how eating disorders work and providing support for those impacted by eating disorders and their families. This February, take some time to familiarize yourself with the signs and symptoms of common eating disorders and how you can get help if you’re struggling or provide help for a friend dealing with disordered eating.

What Is an Eating Disorder?

An eating disorder is a mental health condition that impacts the way your brain processes emotions surrounding your eating behaviors. Often an eating disorder is accompanied by other mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and panic disorders. Eating disorders make it extremely difficult for you to have a healthy relationship with food, often causing you to obsess over every bite, every calorie, every pound, until you’re unable to think about anything other than what you’re eating or your body image or both.

There are 6 eating disorders in the DSM-V, and they each have their own set of symptoms, behaviors and treatments: anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge-eating disorder, pica, rumination disorder, and avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder. Battling an eating disorder can also cause cardiovascular problems, gastrointestinal issues, other health conditions related to malnutrition, and even death. It’s estimated that nearly 5% of adolescent females and 8% of all individuals suffer from an eating disorder. While 1 in 3 of every person with an eating disorder is male, men and boys are notoriously under-diagnosed with ED because of stigmas associated with male body image. Thankfully, with treatment and support, recovery is possible, and many people who’ve struggled with an eating disorder live full and healthy lives.

How Do You Know You Have an Eating Disorder?

If any of these signs and symptoms sound familiar to you, consider talking to a healthcare professional and your trusted support network about the possibility that you might have an eating disorder:

• You significantly restrict the amount of food you eat, usually in order to lose weight.
• You have an overwhelming fear of gaining weight.
• You obsess over the number on the scale when you weigh yourself.
• You obsess about how you look in the mirror, in pictures, or on social media.
• You restrict your food to the point of malnutrition or loss of energy.
• You obsessively count or measure your food.
• You have a rigid, specific routine surrounding food, such as only using specific utensils or eating at certain times.
• You spend an abnormal amount of time inspecting your food or reading product labels.
• You eat an abnormally large amount of food in a given time frame.
• You feel like you have no control over your eating or that you can’t stop.
• You often eat really quickly, in secret, or alone.
• You eat until you’re uncomfortably full or when you aren’t hungry.
• You experience feelings of embarrassment or disgust after eating.
• You take extreme measures to lose weight after overeating, such as food restriction, excessive exercise, vomiting, using laxatives, etc.
• You have the irresistible urge to eat or drink things that aren’t food, such as paper, paint, hair, soil, etc.
• You regurgitate your food into your mouth in order to chew, swallow, or spit it out.

6 Ways to Get Help for an Eating Disorder

If any of the above behaviors sound familiar to you, you’re currently struggling with a relapse of a diagnosed eating disorder, or if the symptoms remind you of a loved one, it’s time to get help! But where does that help come from? Luckily, there are a number of resources available for eating disorder recovery.

1. Share with your support network. Talk to your parents, trusted friends, and/or support staff at your school, church, or workplace. You do not have to handle this alone, and leaning on people who love you can be a crucial part of successful recovery.

2. Make an appointment with a healthcare professional. Eating disorders can lead to serious health problems, so you need to be evaluated in order to know how best to proceed. You might need medications to address either the eating disorder or an issue caused by the ED, and a doctor will be able to recommend a facility if inpatient care is needed.

3. Call, text, or chat online with The National Eating Disorders Association Hotline. This organization has been fighting for decades to prevent ED’s and support those who struggle with them. They’ll be able to work with you, no matter where you are in your recovery journey.

4. Find a professional therapist or counselor who specializes in eating disorder recovery. An eating disorder is a mental health disorder, so while it is important to see a physician to advise you on appropriate medical treatments, you also need someone who can help you work on your mental health.

5. Check out these free ebooks called Starved and Understanding Eating Disorders. Education is key! The more you know, the more aware you can be of how your eating disorder works. It can also help you figure out how to talk about your experience.

6. Chat with a HopeCoach who can help you process your thoughts and connect you with resources that can support you in recovery.

Address the Root of the Problem: Accept Yourself

Research supports the idea that eating disorders often spring from an unhealthy body image or low self-worth. To truly recover from an eating disorder, you need to work on accepting yourself for who you are and recognizing your innate value. Work on learning how the lies you have believed about your body or about food are not the truth.

You have been fearfully and wonderfully made (yes, that includes your body) by a Creator God who wants peace and joy for you. Your body is a gift from someone who cares more about the condition of your heart than about your outward appearance and wants you to treat yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. On top of all that, He understands pain and struggle, so you will never be alone in your recovery journey with God by your side.

Are you facing eating issues? Check out our blog on Finding a Healthy Balance for eating and body image issues.