Posts by TheHopeLine Team

"We all know that when we physically lose people we love, that part of them is never lost because they are always in our hearts.
But for me, there are times like this morning, when the giant hole in my heart seems to get bigger and bigger. As the teardrops continue to fall and enlarge the hole, it feels like you get farther and farther away...And that unbearable feeling, of your seeming to get farther and farther away, the feeling of losing touch with what is in my heart, restarts the cycle."
-Mel

Mel is a suicide survivor. She has survived the loss of her son.  He died by suicide.

His name is Alec.  He was 25 years old and shot himself on 2/10/14.  He was an Airforce Reserve Airman and a phlebotomist and worked in a hospital lab.  You can tell by talking to Mel how much she loved her son.  He was successful and had a lot of friends but Mel started to see over time that there was something broken in Alec.  One bad choice led to another.  He wouldn't listen to anyone.  He wouldn't talk to anyone.  His brother said one time, that his biggest problem was that Alec thought he was smarter than everyone else.  This translated into him not wanting to go to anyone to ask for help.  His mom says: "he was too stubborn to ever let anyone help him with anything and his foot was stuck in the 'alcohol door' which had many resulting consequences.  He was muddling along with the emotional support of a girlfriend and when she broke up with him, it was the last straw for him “ he just gave up.

The one thing that really keeps Mel going is that she saw her son give his life to the Lord at an Acquire the Fire event.  It's encouraging for her to know that one day she will see her son again because she knows that God keeps His promises.  God promises that if we give our life to him and ask Him to be our savior and forgive us of our sins then He will, and that's all it takes to get to heaven.  Mel says: "For those few that take the heartbreaking path that Alex went on, at least they had the opportunity to know the Lord."

Like so many others, Alec probably had no idea of how many lives he had touched and how many people loved him.  On the Facebook page set up in his memory, there are so many stories about his sense of humor, how he was always smiling, joking, laughing.  And how he encouraged and helped so many people in his life. 

Here are just a few of the comments taken from Facebook:

It's hard to fathom that you're no longer with us. It feels like yesterday we were passing notes and sneaking out of our houses to meet each other In the middle of the night...I hated walking back home in the dark by myself. You would walk me back so I wasn't scared or the nights where you would knock on my window scaring the hell out of me. lol. I will never forget those bus rides home after soccer games. You were my seat/snack partner. You were my first love and will always have a place in my heart.

Rest In Paradise brother. Very very sad and upset that you're gone. I remember I could talk to Alec about anything. He always used to check up on me in Jacksonville from time to time. Obviously I fell short somewhere. I just wish there was a way that I could say one last word, have one last conversation, one last look at that genuine human being god placed on this earth to share smiles and love... I am going to miss Alec a lot.

Alec probably never knew the immense effect he had on me. When I was a painfully shy, self-conscious high schooler, Alec's genuine kindness and sweet smile went such a long way. We weren't considered "great" friends, nor did he ever know the crazy crush I had on him throughout our high school years, but his smile will always shine bright in my mind. Gone too soon, you are clearly missed so so much. Rest easy, sweet boy.

If you are a survivor of suicide loss....

you have been through a traumatic experience of losing a loved one to suicide.  This will be something that will stay with you forever.  Suicide can be very different than losing a family member in a different way other than to suicide. 

There are feelings and emotions that can be unique to losing someone to suicide:

Guilt “ You may feel as if you could have stopped the suicide.
Stigma “ Society still attaches a stigma to suicide.
Anger “ You may feel anger towards the person you lost, as they are also the murderer of the person you loved.
Disconnection “ You may feel disconnected from the person you lost and their memories because they made a choice to end their life.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

If you want to understand more about suicide or if you are having suicidal thoughts, download our free eBook.

Why "Netflix & chill" sells us short...

This phrase, "Netflix & chill" has become the one-liner for the past couple of years. Lately, it's the late-night text or tweet that you'll get from someone who doesn't want you, they just want something from you. Now before I dive in, I'm not trying to call someone out. I just want our generation to realize what we are missing out on. We weren't made for this. The phrase "Netflix & chill" is so much deeper than just those words. It signifies settling for something "average," taking the easy way out, being cheap, and lacking confidence and respect. These days, most guys get away with using this phrase to lure a girl into an uncomfortable situation. Hey, I'm just being real. It's the truth, but it's an evil truth. God didn't create a young man to pursue and "love" in a way that defies Himself or cheapens the worth of a young girl. Pursuit was meant to be true and right.

I realize that not everyone who begins texting and talking will end up seriously dating, but if you begin any sort of "relationship idea" with this phrase, chances are that's all it's going to be. I want ladies to listen up on that. I've made crucial mistakes in my past, been in positions that defy God, yet as a young man, that's why I've learned the importance of seizing God's best. The world pushes us to be cheap and lazy, instead of taking a girl out on a date. Simply put, Netflix in your bedroom isn't a date. Let's be honest. I believe as a generation of young men that it is time to kill this "cheap" vibe and pursue it in a respectful manner. Ladies don't fall for tricks. As men, we are tricky. We have this thing called the sinful nature in us. This nature ("beastly" for lack of a better word) wants to take over at times.

Picture it this way: "Netflix & chill" is like a ring you get out of a vending machine at the store. It's plastic, cool at first site, then hours later you throw it away because it is cheap and truly sucks. Am I dogging on Netflix? No, I love Netflix, it's just the symbolism here.

On the other hand, going out on a real date, talking in person and not texting, that's like a real diamond. It's the real deal. It's not cheap, and at the end of the day, we will all take a diamond ring over a plastic ring (unless you're just real dumb). The point I want to make clear is that sitting down and having some popcorn while turning on some Netflix is not a bad thing. It's just not first date status, probably not the next couple dates either (tips for you guys). It's not the real deal.

Ladies, if that's the first text you get when he wants to hang out, RUN. It's not the real thing.

Our world lacks that, don't you think? Everyone has to be on their cell phone at all times, and dates aren't even a thing. I believe we can change that if we focus on what's true, not what is easy. Genuine time together doesn't happen when you lock yourself in a room together. We all know what happens in that situation, and truth is...building a relationship on the physical will not last...EVER. Don't test it. I promise God won't lie to you. Let's not be sucked into the culture our generation has produced. I love this generation, but I want to see growth and change. I'm sure you do too. You only settle for the plastic ring when you choose "Netflix & chill." It won't produce good results, and God surely has something better for you.

Three final things to remember:

1. Netflix is cool, just make sure you don't abuse it just to get in bed with someone.
2. We need more authentic men. Pursue a girl's heart with real love and communication.
3. Don't fall for the cheap stuff ladies. I'm not talking about money because you don't have to have an expensive date to show some love (I'm a broke college student). I'm saying, don't give in to an immature guy's tricks. It isn't worth it.

Thanks for reading. Don't settle for the cheap stuff.
Carson Case - The guest blog is written by Carson Case, a young guy who is faithfully pursuing God.  He believes that every person matters.  "You just need to take the time to listen and understand where they're coming from."

If you think domestic violence won't affect you then this may change your mind.  We hear from people all the time that are involved in abusive relationships and those volatile relationships - you never know what might happen next.  We are here to share the facts with you as well as one girl's story of domestic violence that turned to tragedy.  We also will share with you, where to get help and how to help someone that may be a victim of domestic violence.

Larsen was in her home when her violent ex-boyfriend showed up with a gun.  She called 911, and the dispatchers said they heard gunshots while she was on the line with them.  When police arrived at the scene, they found Larsen shot to death.

Here is Larsen's story:

Larson was 25 years old and worked at Tampa General Hospital as a NICU Nurse. She loved her work and loved that she was doing something worthwhile. As a single mother, she devoted her life to finding a cure for her autistic son, Aidric. She spent countless hours doing research, taking him to doctors and therapy. She had him on a gluten-free casein-free diet. Her dream was that Aidric would grow up to be a functioning adult. In fact, her drive to be a nurse stemmed from his autism and the hope to go into a specialized field to not only help her son but others.  She was an amazing person. She was a force of nature that drew you in and drove you crazy! She was incredibly beautiful, kind, funny she had a contagious personality. She had a ton of friends and people just wanted her around because she could light up the room.

One day, she met a guy who owned a barbershop where she took her son to get his hair cut. He wooed her for a good 6 months before she agreed to go on a date. They were only together about 7 months and the very first time he became violent with her, she grabbed her son, left and never looked back. She filed for a protective injunction immediately after and got it. During the injunction process, his background came out. It turns out that two other women had restraining orders against him, and he had a list of charges against him, including cocaine trafficking.

She had a restraining order against him and had no contact for about a month. He had been stalking her and she filed reports with the police, but they couldn't prove it was him. She was a strong, smart woman and did everything within her power to protect herself and her son.

Larsen's murder was preplanned. He intended to run but only got one city away. He was running from the police, after the shooting when he lost control of his car and crashed it. The vehicle exploded and he burned to death.

Larsen's sister, Tracy says the only way she and her family are getting through the pain is by lots and lots of prayer. They are a large, very close and loving family. They have all been leaning on each other and they have many close friends who have shown them love and support. Tracy says: We seem to work in cycles, so when one person loses it, someone is there to pick them up and then we switch. If it wasn't for the strength of my family, I don't know if I could deal with this. We try to remember how much we loved her and laughed with her, and we are holding onto those memories I think that is the best we can do. (details shared by the victim's sister, Tracy, adapted from Tracy's interview with blogger, Sarah Von Bargen)

Here is Tracy's advice to a friend or family member that may know someone experiencing domestic violence:

Get in their business. WAY IN. Tell them the truth, hurt their feelings, get angry with them. Be real with them. I think the situation of my sister was very different than most domestic violence cases so it is hard for me to compare what she did to what others may be going through. All I know is that we knew something was off with that man and we let it slide because he was full of excuses that Larsen believed. No one ever thinks that someone they know, or love will kill them, but it happens ALL THE TIME.

My family is now those people' and as cliche', as it is, if it can happen to us, it can happen to you. Think about a little boy who no longer has his mother, think about your sister or daughter or best friend being murdered because you wanted to support their decision to stay. And please, follow your instincts. You don't need to stay with anyone that is violent or abusive. Don't let shame or pride keep you in a bad situation or keep you from talking to someone who is. Our hope by sharing this story is that someone will learn from our tragedy.

The Facts

• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will be a victim of domestic violence in their lifetime
• Women ages 18 to 34 are at the greatest risk of becoming victims of domestic violence
• More than 4 million women experience physical assault and rape by their partners
• In 2 out of 3 female homicide cases, females are killed by a family member or intimate partner

Here are 10 signs of domestic violence and abuse (published by safehorizon.org):

Does your partner ever...

• Accuse you of cheating and being disloyal?
• Make you feel worthless?
• Hurt you by hitting, choking or kicking you?
• Intimidate and threaten to hurt you or someone you love?
• Threaten to hurt themselves if they don't get what they want?
• Try to control what you do and who you see?
• Isolate you?
• Pressure or force you into unwanted sex?
• Control your access to money?
• Stalk you, including calling you constantly or following you?

If any of this sound familiar and you suspect you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you are not alone.  There is help for you.

You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1.800.799.7233 or CHAT with them HERE.

And here are a few ideas, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline that you can do to help end domestic violence and

support survivors:

• Be non-violent and non-judgmental in your interactions with others.
• Challenge attitudes and beliefs that promote a culture of violence and victim-blaming or shaming.
• Hold the abusive person, not the victim, accountable for their abusive behaviors.
• Learn how to support a friend or loved one if they tell you they are being abused.

Larsen's parents gave ABC Action News an exclusive interview.  Watch it here:
https://youtu.be/l4gRMDgVniM

Related Posts:
How To Find a Meaningful Relationship
How To Know It's Really Love
4 Ways to Avoid Heartbreak
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

References
Bargen, S. V. (2011, April 11) TRUE STORY: I LOST MY SISTER TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic Violence: Statistics and Facts, Safe Horizon, Retrieved October 26, 2015.
10 Signs of Domestic Violence & Abuse, Retrieved October 26, 2015.
How to Find Help from Domestic Violence, Safety.com.

What should you do when you see bullying going on?  Should you take sides?  Should you defend the victim?

Our friend, Brooks Gibbs, is here to give us some practical advice that answers these questions.  Gibbs is a youth crisis counselor, bullying expert, youth speaker, author of Love is Greater Than Hate, and friend of TheHopeLine. He offers a unique and important perspective on what you should do when you see bullying occurring, and how you can be a part of bullying intervention.

Bullying Intervention: TheHopeLine.com - YouTube

How should I Intervene if I see Bullying Happening?

A lot of people would say stand up for the victim and stand up against the bully. But I see a problem with that approach. The problem I have is that you don’t really know who is the victim and who is the bully all the time. The lines are not always that clean. Social, interpersonal, relational issues are super complicated. You are not sure who threw the first word or who offended who first.  In fact, when I work with bullies often times they say, "I’m not a bully I’m a victim." Most bullies feel like victims and that’s why they are mean.

Don't Be Too Quick to Take Sides

So when you see bullying occur between two people or a group of people understand that you can’t just take sides with one or the other. You can’t have a judgmental attitude or mindset that says this is an innocent victim and this is a guilty bully. You just have to realize that these are two people who have offended each other and you are not sure where it started.

Work One-on-One

So the best thing you can do is work one-on-one with the person you have a relationship with. So after the conflict is over. After you see the bullying scenario play out, when they go their separate ways, start talking with the person you have the relationship with. Say, "Hey man, what did they do to offend you?” Get the back story. Not because you are trying to meddle in their business, but in the spirit of trying to help them discover a way to solve the social problem. And let me tell you how to encourage them to solve it.

Be a Messenger of Forgiveness

You tell them that no matter what their hater has done, no matter how mean the person was, no matter what the offense was...Forgive. As long as there wasn’t a crime being committed, let it slide. If the offense hurt their feelings, that is in their capacity to forgive. Forgiveness is releasing the enemy from the responsibility to fix the problem. And in return they are released from their hatred...released from their anger.

That’s the quickest way to bring peace and harmony in the midst of people in conflict. Always be a person that promotes forgiveness. You can still have a conversation saying, “What is this all about? Why are you guys in conflict? Why are you guys fighting?" But at the end of your conversation you must promote forgiveness. If you are a messenger of forgiveness, then ultimately you are a messenger of peace. Be a peacemaker.

Victims of bullying, and the bullies themselves, are at a higher risk of depression. Click to learn how depression is linked to bullying.

How Did Zoe Find Her Own Self-Worth?

Here is Zoe's personal account of how she finally learned to appreciate her own self-worth...

I spoke to a wonderful Hope Coach about issues I've had with my Mum and my brother, who sadly, is no longer a part of our lives as he disowned us all last year. I explained how I was feeling and was advised that I can't change who my Mum is but what I can do is set my own rules and boundaries to protect myself and stop enabling others to put me in situations that no longer make me happy.

These people (the Hope Coaches) are so down to earth and they speak a lot of honesty truth and logic.

I was made to appreciate my own self-value and worth and that other people's battles aren't mine to fight anymore. They have to handle them on their own. I've done my fair share of battling through my life and it's time for me to take a step back and look after myself.

-Zoe (from the UK)

Start appreciating your own self-worth. A compassionate and caring Hope Coach is ready to listen and understand what you are going through. Chat Live with a Hope Coach!

Leigh Had Been Living In Isolation For Years

Leigh describes her experience of isolation and how she found hope at TheHopeLine®.....

When my father became ill, there wasn't much time for me....at all. I couldn't have a conversation with anyone. I was ignored and no one even attempted to hide the fact they were ignoring me.  It's not a big deal if you're an older teen, but I was 10.

It's been almost another 10 years since this started. I have started having dark thoughts over, as if I wasn't even a person anymore. I couldn't talk with my family, my friends, nor the staff at my school. I began isolating myself during middle school and I now fear being in a room with too many people. My HopeCoach was very supportive and a very short conversation with him went better than conversations I've had with anyone. I would recommend TheHopeLine® to anyone feeling upset over any sort of situation.
Leigh

Related Posts:
Just Say Hi
How To Make Friends
9 Tips For Being A Great Friend

Friendships can be really hard, to read more about how to make and keep friends, download your free eBook:

My name is Jordyn and this is my story:

Two years ago my best friend was killed in a car accident.  He wasn't just my best friend...he could have possibly been my soul mate.  And I haven't accepted his death, so my head is still stuck in 2013 rather than 2015.  I was in too much shock to take it all in and now I am, slowly starting to notice that he isn't going to be coming home anytime soon.

I was trying to write something , anything and all I could think of was how much I missed him. My depression has kicked into high gear and I just was looking for someone, other than people who know me to hear my story with no judgment and I found this site and signed up and decided to give it a try, to give me some sort of hope and calm myself down.  Sarah, was my HopeCoach and she was the one who actually made me aware that I am stuck in 2013 mentally because of his loss. She prayed for me and at the end, I had a smile on my face and happy tears because of the prayer.

Thank you Sarah and to the other HopeCoaches who take their time to talk to people who are struggling.  Thank you for helping to keep us motivated and helping us to carry on.

To hear our stories, means a lot to me and I am sure to everyone else. You guys are awesome :)
-Jordyn.

What if we lived life above the norm in EXTREME LOVE; not seeking revenge, not speaking badly of our enemies, and refusing to stay angry?

Love is Greater Than Hate

A good friend of our organization, Brooks Gibbs, wrote a book on bullying called, Love is Greater Than Hate. Gibbs was a victim of bullying as well as a bully himself and in his book, he discusses some alternative responses to bullies.

Here's what he suggests, "The ones who hurt us need our love the most. In fact, I believe that this is the ultimate pathway to healing - to turn the hate that you feel towards someone into genuine love and care for them." (page 29) In other words, what if we loved the bully?

Now you might read that and think this is crazy. You might be saying, "But Dawson, do you have any idea how it feels to be tormented to the point that you feel absolutely worthless. I can't even love myself, let alone love a bully."

First of all, if that is how you are feeling, I want you to know that I believe you are amazing! You are not worthless; you can make a difference in someone else's life. I know this is asking a lot, but what if loving the bully worked? What if you had the power to change the cycle? Gibbs talks about how when we love the unlovable, lives are changed. It "reverses the cycle of hate, breaks the back of bullying, and launches us into a new cycle of life." (page 32)

3 Steps for Choosing Love over Hate

It is important to understand that a bully is often the victim of hate themselves and to feel better, they try to assert hateful power over someone else. That's why YOU could be the start of a new cycle. You could choose to react with LOVE. Love that is a choice, an action of the will.

Like I said, I know it isn't going to be easy to love the bully, so here are three steps that Gibbs suggests to help in the process.

1. Change your thought patterns. A normal thought pattern after someone hurts us is to begin thinking about them negatively, dwelling on it, magnifying it, and turning it into hateful thoughts. Rather, think of bullying as opportunities to learn to deal with difficult people (they are always present!), begin thinking of them as good and think kind thoughts toward them.

2. Change your actions. Choose not to participate in the drama. By doing so you demonstrate maturity, humility and respect which will totally disarm the bully. Pray for the bully, ask God to help you change your attitude about them.

3. Change your feelings. Feelings follow our thoughts; as you change your thoughts and choose to love, your feelings will follow. "Love will open your eyes. You will gain the ability to see past their masks of hate and see a heart full of hurt." (page 44) Learning to forgive will also help change our feelings. I love Gibbs definition of forgiveness. Forgiveness is "releasing the person that did you wrong from the responsibility of fixing it." (page 45). Forgiving someone sets us free from letting them hurt us over and over again as our mind dwells on how we were wronged. Gibbs says that unforgiveness re-victimizes upon every remembrance.

Bullying Support Groups

I have had a number of teens tell me recently about their own experiences of being bullied and how that has motivated them to start a bullying support group in their school. I'm proud of them for wanting to do something to make a difference. It is so important that people who are being bullied have a place to go that is safe and have others supporting them. My word of advice for starting a bullying support group would be that the group not become a revenge group or a place to spew hate about bullies, but rather a place to be "above the norm" and consider how to show love to bullies.

Hate is easy. Love takes courage! You can do it!

For more from Brooks Gibbs check out this video: Anti-Bullying Youth Speaker Brooks Gibbs

For more information on bullying, here's a guide to understanding the types of bullying and cyberbullying and how to deal with it. 

 Choose Friends Wisely

When I met Jason, he was seen as a new kid on the block, in his first year of serving a life sentence without parole for murder. Jason was nineteen. We talked for a long time about his past, his broken home, and how he grew up on the streets of Baltimore, dealing dope and packing heat before the end of fourth grade.

Jason could've made excuses for where he was. He could've laid the blame for his poor choices on his life on the street. Instead, he looked me square in the eye and said, there's no one to blame but me. I chose my friends. Now I'm paying the price.

Reasons You Have Friends

Friendships. We all have them. We all want them. And, to a certain extent, we all need them. Your friends are one of, if not the most, powerful influences in your life today. But do you ever really think about the friendships you have and how they affect you? Your friends are your friends for probably a lot of reasons:

1. They've accepted you.
2. You have a lot in common with them.
3. They make you feel secure.
4. You trust them.
5. They're loaded!

Okay, except for that last one, all of those are pretty valid reasons. Here's another one: They need to live a godly life and encourage you to do the same. Your friends seriously impact you how you dress, how you talk, how you act, who you date, what music you listen to, and even how you treat your parents.

Friends Influence You

I know you're probably thinking, I don't let my friends influence me like that. I decide what I want to do. Well, it may seem that way. But think about this:

Friends = Time
Friends are not just people you know. They're people you do life with school, lunch, sports, parties it's safe to say you spend a lot of time doing stuff with them.

Time = Influence
The more time you spend with another person, the more you're influenced by that person. That's natural. As you commit time to a friendship, your lifestyle will be more and more affected by theirs.

Influence = Character
1 Corinthians 15:33 warns that bad company will corrupt our character. How's your character? Do you find yourself making choices today that you wouldn't have made if it wasn't for your friends? If yes, have these choices been honoring or dishonoring to God?

Character = Choices
Think about the five choices you most regret making. Now, think about where you were and who you were with when you made these choices of regret. I bet it's pretty safe to say that you were probably with a close friend when you made most, if not all, of these choices.

God knows that friendships are important to you. And He wants you to have truly great ones. But He also knows how much bad friendships can hurt you. So how do you know the difference between good friends and bad ones? Well, unfortunately, your friends are not like bags of Doritos they don't have labels on their backs listing all of their ingredients. In Proverbs 13:20, God gives us a promise and a warning that can help in choosing the right kind of friends:

• The promise: Spend time with wise people, and you will grow wise.
• The warning: Spend time with foolish people, and you will suffer!

Wise Friends

If you hang out with wise friends, people who know right from wrong and choose right, you're going to get wise. Wise friends will be more able to offer you good advice in time of need because they believe God's ways are right and they follow them.

The warning in this verse is just as clear as the promise and just as serious. Proverbs says if you hang out with fools, then bad stuff is going to happen to you. This verse doesn't say bad stuff might happen. God's word is completely clear!

Meaningful friendships don't always come easy. And there'll be times when distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy friendships will be hard. But as you commit to staying in consistent communication with God, He'll give you the wisdom to know the difference. God wants you to have awesome friendships. He wants you to have fun with good friends. But God also knows what can happen if you choose the wrong friends. So, choose wisely!

Jeffrey Dean, aka, JD is a motivation speaker and has spoken to over 3 million teens.  He is also an ordained pastor, counselor, and author.

If you are thinking to yourself after reading this - I need some new friends.  Check out Dawson's blog: How to Make Friends.