Posts by TheHopeLine Team

What to Know About Relationship Counseling

Relationships are Messy

We post a lot of content that mentions how detrimental isolation can be for your mental health, and one of the reasons for that is: we are built to be in relationships. We are relational beings, created to give and receive love. If only it were as simple as giving and receiving. Instead, relationships are often messy, complicated, draining, and even hurtful. What do we do then? If you’re feeling less than happy in one of your relationships, especially a romantic one, it’s a great idea to seek relationship counseling.

Though you’ll likely learn a lot of helpful things in relationship counseling, one of those things is likely to be that in order to give your best to any relationship, you need to be prioritizing yourself rather than the other person. At first glance, that advice does not make sense! If you’re trying to make a relationship work, your first impulse is probably to try harder to give your partner everything they need, making sure they feel loved and appreciated at all times. From the time we’re in preschool, we’re taught sharing, generosity, kindness, and we’re given messages from a number of sources about how good it is to be selfless. That’s not exactly conducive to learning to prioritize yourself, is it?

The Problem with Our Understanding of The Golden Rule

Potentially the most famous saying when it comes to how we should treat each other is known as The Golden Rule, which says, “Do unto others as you have done unto you.” Another Bible verse echoes the same sentiment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Most of us use these phrases as a fancy way to say that we should be nice to people, and that is a lovely thought, But there’s a HUGE piece of that puzzle missing when you just take these messages as a mission to love others well. Both verses presuppose that you already give yourself the love and respect that you think other people deserve. Do you?

Why You Need to Love Yourself First

You can’t treat others as well as you would like to be treated if you aren’t already treating yourself well. Without self-love, it’s as if every time you give love, you’re pouring from a cup that’s never being refilled. Eventually that cup will run dry, and you can’t pour from an empty cup. Without self-love, your self-confidence and self-esteem will falter. Without self-love, you may wonder whether you’re enough for the people you love. Without self-love, you may even struggle to believe that you matter at all. Without self-love, you’ll struggle to have self-compassion when you make mistakes or don’t perform the way you think you should. Without self-love, you may not even be able to acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments or accept compliments. Because that cup is empty, you’re left exhausted and dissatisfied, which means you’re not able to show up the way you want to for the relationships that are important to you. 

How to Love Yourself More

How do you go about filling that cup so that there’s plenty of love for you to pour into the lives of the people you love? The term “self-care” gets thrown around a lot these days, and it’s easy to dismiss it as an occasional evening where you light an aromatherapy candle, do a facemask, and take a bubble bath. Self-care really is the answer here, however, because ultimately prioritizing yourself means that you are taking good care of yourself in several key categories. Check out this TikTok from TED Talks on the 7 different types of rest you need, and look at these categories of self-care you can’t ignore:

1. Physical health. If your body doesn’t have the fuel it needs, your brain can’t function properly. In order to love yourself, then, you’ve got to tend to your physical health. That entails sleep, rest, exercise, hydration, nutrition, and so much more. Have you paid attention to your physical health lately? Make a plan to do one big thing for your physical health in the next few days.

2. Social health. How long has it been since you hung out with your friends? Your family? Are the people you spend the most time with treating you the way you deserve to be treated, or do they leave you feeling bad about yourself, small, and exhausted? Consider taking some time away from the people who don’t fit in with your self-love goals. Take a moment to shoot a text to someone you love but haven’t spoken to lately, and maybe even make a plan to hang out soon.

3. Mental health. What even is mental health? It’s a combination of the way that you think and how your brain is functioning. Your brain falls into patterns based on how you use it. What are your brain’s thought patterns and habits? What are you doing to keep your brain in shape, and what kinds of things are you feeding your mind? Challenging yourself with games or puzzles that make you think can be an incredibly healthy habit, so keep playing Wordle! Maybe add some offscreen activities like an old-school sudoku booklet and reading to keep your brain working. Identify any negative thought patterns that you’d like to change.

4. Spiritual health. Whether you subscribe to a particular religion or not, we all have spiritual needs that need tending.  You can take the time to nurture your spiritual self by attending a service at your church, spending some time in prayer, journaling about recent experiences or future goals, and meditating on what makes you feel connected to the world.

5. Emotional health. Processing feelings is hard! How are you making sure you’re not constantly overwhelmed by them? Do you have trustworthy friends you can talk to about big feelings? Do you have healthy activities that help you feel calm when your emotions are running wild? When your emotions start running your life, you can easily get stuck in a cycle of shame or poor self-esteem. This is where therapy or counseling can be helpful as well, especially if you’re feeling drained and aren’t sure how to go about getting your emotional energy back. 

If it helps you conceptualize how to care for yourself, imagine you have a child whose care is completely your responsibility. What needs would you make sure are met? You would make sure they have a good night’s sleep and a healthy breakfast. You’d take them to the park and teach them to ride a bike. You’d help them with their homework and make sure they’re always safe. You would also comfort them if they felt sad or scared, and you’d celebrate with them if they were happy. What else would you do to make sure this child has everything they need to be emotionally and physically healthy? Now imagine that child is you.

The New Golden Rule: Love Yourself as You Would Love Others

Once you’ve realized that self-love is a key element of any functional relationship, you can start implementing it in your own life and reap the benefits. When you’re rested and well cared for, you’ll have more to give to the relationships that are important to you! As much as those people matter to you, you also matter. And just as you’d hate to let your loved ones go without essential care, your care is also essential.

If you’re looking for other ways to explore how to love yourself, check out other THL resources on self-worth and self-esteem:

• Bible Verses for Self-Acceptance When You Hate Yourself
• Understanding Self-Worth and Self-Hate
• A Prayer When You Feel Unloved

If you’re not sure how to get started on a journey toward self-love, or if you don’t feel like you’re worthy of it, please reach out to TheHopeLine today. We’re here for you when your cup is empty because Christ called “all who are weary and burdened” to come and find rest, and that includes you. 

For a free consultation and help with relationship counseling, visit our partners at Focus On The Family. 

I thought I’d never be free.

During the darkest decade of my life, I thought I’d never win my battle against bulimia. It seemed impossible to escape the powerful binge-purge cycle of addiction. Impossible to imagine a life of normalcy ever becoming reality for me again—especially after several failed attempts.

And yet, this year in April, I will celebrate five years of freedom from that darkness. Five years of saying NO to bulimia and YES to God and life.

This post is not meant to be a how-to guide for overcoming bulimia or any other eating disorder. I am well aware that no two recovery stories are exactly the same, and what worked for me won’t work for everyone. Plus, I’m not a professional.

My true desire in sharing is that something in my story—one word, one thought, one idea—might help even one person by offering hope.

It was hope in God’s truth, strength, faithfulness, and grace that eventually led me to let go of bulimia and trust Him with my life.

And now, I am proof that hope prevails. That freedom is possible. That life is worth LIVING.

Bulimia Addiction: My Story of Recovery 

Whether or not you consider bulimia an addiction, it felt like one for me—starting off slow and seemingly harmless, but eventually becoming a craving I felt powerless to stop. At the peak of my battle with bulimia, I binged and purged multiple times per day, nearly every day. It was a fix and I could not get enough. Some days, my next binge was all I could think about. It consumed me.

Somehow, I hid the bingeing and purging from everyone I knew. Friends and family sometimes questioned whether I had an eating disorder, but I adamantly shut them down with lies. I’d built up such a facade of perfection that I couldn’t let anyone see the real mess inside.

In order to binge and purge that excessively, I also spent an excessive amount of money on binge foods. Some months, up to $900. This required more lying, as I blamed my high credit card bills on increased prices for regular groceries and a lack of self-control for new clothes.

Basically, I bought a LOT of food. To stretch my money, I stuck to store brands, sale items, bulk quantities, and fast food dollar menus, but occasionally splurged to satisfy specific cravings. In one binge-purge episode, I could eat an entire pizza, a bag of frozen chicken nuggets, plus chips. Or, an entire 2-layer chocolate cake, carton of cookies, and quart of ice cream. If that seems inconceivable, let me tell you. I looked like I was nine months pregnant and felt like I could barely move.

Throwing up was just as awful. But, in my mind it was non-negotiable. I had to get that food out of my body.

I also went through a brief period of abusing laxatives. Something like six at a time. If you’ve ever used even one or two laxatives, you’ll understand why I say it was brief. I couldn’t handle it and soon went back to puking exclusively.

Bulimia Recovery Attempts

I won’t get into all the times I attempted and quit recovery, but I will say that I now view those attempts as progress toward the recovery process—not failures. While they certainly felt like failures at the time, they also proved that I wanted to change. I wanted to recover.

Suffice it to say, I tried eliminating food temptations and occasionally went a few days or one to two weeks without bingeing and purging. Once I told my family, we talked and cried and argued through accountability, and I even met with a counselor. The entire time, I also prayed to God—begging forgiveness for making food and weight my idols, and asking for strength to overcome them. But, the addictive urge to binge would ultimately win and I’d fall back into the all-consuming cycle.

It wasn’t that people couldn’t help or that God didn’t listen. Honestly, I saw countless opportunities to stop. Reasons to say NO. God was there. Family cared. It was ultimately me who chose to give into the urge and continue my relationship with bulimia.

Bulimia Recovery Breakthrough 

I can’t recall exactly how I came across it, but in early 2016, I stumbled upon The Bulimia Help Method by Richard and Ali Kerr. They wrote the book after Ali personally recovered from bulimia, to share the method that worked for her, along with research they gathered throughout the process.

What first intrigued me was that Ali had been through what I was experiencing. The research data also made me feel like I wasn’t alone and, more importantly, wasn’t mentally ill. To quickly summarize, the research showed that my binge urges stemmed from the fact that I was otherwise severely restricting (aka. starving) my body of the calories (aka. the nutrients and energy) it needed to survive and thrive. The basic urge to binge was my body simply reacting to my poor treatment of it. It was telling me to stock up on food because it didn’t know when I’d properly feed it again.

Seems logical, right? Well, I sure thought so when I read it. So, I read on.

The next point that hit home for me was this: cravings won’t kill you.

When I read that, I stopped. Dumbfounded. Of course, I never thought a binge craving would kill me. But, I realized then that subliminally, I did believe that lie whenever the urge felt so strong I just had to give in.

Cravings won’t kill you. It was a simple truth that set me on the path to full freedom.

Bulimia Recovery Stages

First, as any addict may understand, cold turkey is tough. It may work for some, but I’d already been there, done that, and it didn’t work for me. Being one of those all-or-nothing types, that made it all the more frustrating. Mentally, I felt like the only acceptable way to recovery was to cease all bingeing and purging immediately. Once and for all. But that, my friends, was an extremely unrealistic expectation.

I had to retrain my brain to believe that recovery is a process. That all progress counts. That one setback doesn’t equal total failure. And, that I could trust God and His truth and faithfulness above all the false feelings that lingered.

And so, I started by committing to one day. Just one day a week of no bingeing and purging—and, more importantly, no restricting on that day. This was the point when my bulimia had gotten so out of hand that I was bingeing and purging multiple times every single day. So yes, that ONE DAY was progress for me.

Gradually, I increased to two days. Three. Four. Five. Six. And then. You know, it’s funny that the seventh day was the hardest to let go of. I hovered at six for a bit longer than I would’ve liked. Partly out of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what my life would truly look like without bulimia because it had consumed my identity for ten-plus years. But, a part of me also thought I would miss it, as crazy as that sounds. While ruining my life, bulimia also gave me a false sense of security. Acknowledging this and trusting God to be my complete source of comfort and truth was the next step in finally letting go of that seventh day.

After giving up one full week, I knew I wasn’t in the clear. It was still a daily process. So I challenged myself to go one-month bulimia-free. I even incentivized it with a reward: skydiving. It was on my bucket list, but I hadn’t been able to afford it due to spending all that money on binge food. So, I booked a nonrefundable skydiving session for one month out—knowing that it would discourage me from buying more food and motivate me to live that day feeling like I earned it.

Bulimia Recovery Symptoms

For a while during my recovery, I still felt like an addict desperate for my next fix. The cravings were no joke, and there were days when I prayed almost continuously, telling God that I trusted His truth above the lie that the urge to binge was too strong. Even when I didn’t know if I believed it, I prayed it. I knew I had to change my mindset and reestablish God’s truth as supreme over my life.

Moment by moment. Day by day. Week by week. It worked. The cravings lessened. My body started healing. I started re-learning how to live again. I started learning who I was—without bulimia and with God.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.

Weight gain—mostly temporary water weight, but still mentally challenging.
Grocery shopping without filling my cart with all the “bad” foods.
Ending the mindset that foods are “good” or “bad” and allowing myself to eat anything.
Slowly adding the former “bad” foods into my life (hello peanut butter and egg yolks!) without feeling the need to purge after eating them—even in normal quantities.
I could go on, but I’m sure you get the idea. It was uncomfortable. Scary. Frustrating.

God's Grace in My Bulimia Recovery

But, going through it made me stronger. It led me to understand God’s grace in a way that my previous 30-ish years as a Christian never did. Now, five years recovered, I feel the power of that grace as if I were the Prodigal Son (Luke 15) and joyfully proclaim that “[God’s] grace is sufficient for [me], for [His] power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Hope in Bulimia Recovery

And so, I share all of this, again, not in an effort to coach anyone through recovery or boast in my strength for beating bulimia.

No. I share it because, above all, I want to spread hope. I want to share my story of grace for any one of you facing the challenge of overcoming something hard. Something that has you feeling trapped or unsure that you’ll ever be free.

The truth is:

You’re not alone. Freedom is possible. Life is worth fighting for. And grace is enough.

This blog was originally published here.

About the author...

Jayme Muller - After recovering from a decade-long battle with bulimia, I decided to stop wasting my life and truly live again. If you need a dose of hope, travel inspiration, or encouragement in your walk with God, this blog is for you! You can find Jayme's blog at Adventure and the girl.

What to Know About Grief

We All Deal with Grief Differently

Dealing with the loss of a loved one can be extremely hard and you may feel like no one understands what you're going through because everyone deals with it differently, and each relationship is different as well. Grieving isn't one size fits all. You may have lost your grandmother; but your dad and two aunts lost their mom, your grandfather lost his wife, and that woman that has no relation to you, but you call aunt anyway just lost her best friend. Each and every one of you are grieving in different ways but hurting just the same.

I come from a big family and have lost many relatives over my life, but I'll never forget that morning 5 years ago when my mom called to tell me one of my uncles passed from a massive heart attack. Though it was hard to deal with, things did get better and that heart-wrenching pain of feeling like you can't breathe does pass. You will laugh again and it's ok when you do. At my uncle's funeral there were even some giggles and heartfelt laughs and dancing (country music was playing because that's the way he was).

He would have wanted more smiles than tears.

Myths and Facts about Grief

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH: It's important to "be strong" in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn't mean you are weak. You don't need to "protect" your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feeling can help them and you.

MYTH: If you don't cry, it means you aren't sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it's not the only one. Those who don't cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Five years later, I still think of him often and happily; but every year, on that one day, I can't help but reminisce on the good times, as well as how hard that day was. It's important to move forward and keep your head up and know that it is possible. I will always love him and carry him in my heart (as I do with all my family members that have passed). I know how much he loved me, and I take comfort in the fact that he knew how much I adored him as well. Believe me, they know. They always know. Even if the last thing you said to them wasn't "I love you", they still know. This pain you're feeling won't last forever, but I would be lying if I said it would never hurt again. It will, and that's ok.

There's nothing wrong with shedding a tear every now and then, as long as you remember to fill your heart with love and not anger for them not being here anymore. Do not dwell in the pain. Feel it, acknowledge it, then move on. And remember that just because they can't talk back, doesn't mean they're not listening when you talk to them.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, and be sure to share it with your friends who may be struggling with the loss of a loved one.

We also have a partner, GriefShare, who is a caring support group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life's most difficult experiences.

How to Cope With Emotional Abuse

Family Emotional Abuse

Your family is supposed to be the safest and most supportive group of people in your life, teaching you how to navigate the world in a healthy, confident way. Sadly, for many of us that’s not true. Many of us have family members who don’t treat us with love and respect, and that can wreak havoc on your mental health, starting in childhood and throughout your adult years. If you’re noticing signs of emotional abuse at home, you’re probably desperate to figure out how to cope, how to make it stop, or how to get away from it.

First, make sure you can identify what type of abuse is going on in your family. If you’re experiencing emotional abuse, this article is for you! If, however, there’s extreme verbal abuse, sexual abuse or physical abuse in your home, this article can offer some coping advice, but we have other resources that can help you figure out what to do. Check these out:

• 3 Steps to Escape an Abusive Relationship
• Coping with Sexual Abuse
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline (24/7)
• A Prayer When Struggling with Fear

Safety First

In the process of figuring out how to deal with emotionally abusive family members, it’s possible that you may determine that you need to leave the home. Consider your safety when you’re making a plan to leave an abusive relationship. You simply never know whether an emotionally or verbally abusive person may resort to physical abuse when challenged. If you’re afraid for your safety, need help figuring out an escape plan or reporting what you’ve experienced, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

8 Ways to Cope with and Heal from Emotional Abuse in the Family

Growing up with emotionally abusive parents (or other family members) takes a huge toll on everything from normal child development to PTSD or C-PTSD later in life. If you’re in an emotionally abusive family now, it’s possible to start learning how to cope and heal! While nobody can deny that you’ve experienced painful trauma, there IS hope for your future. Check out these steps forward to begin a journey toward a healthier life.

1. Therapy or counseling. Research qualified trauma therapists in your area or talk to a counselor at your church or school. Working with a professional is a great way to address the problem of abuse in your family. With them you can start identifying the specific patterns of your abusive family members, how that trauma is showing up in your own mental health problems, and specific actions you can take to make your life better.

2. Learn the lingo. Emotional abuse is a well-researched topic. Check out our site for more on the topic or look for medically reviewed articles on sites like VeryWellFamily and Psychology today, and get familiar with concepts like “gaslighting,” “witholding,” and “love bombing.” If you can identify their tactics, you’ll be equipped to respond to your abuser at the moment and even begin to call them out. 

3. Know your truth and defend it. Through therapy, research, and practice, you can start to re-learn who you are, what you want, and how you want to be treated. Stand confidently in that truth and defend yourself using techniques such as boundary setting and “gray rocking.” 

4. Set strict boundaries. If you’re staying in a relationship with your abusers, which is often the case when you still live with or depend on them financially, it’s important to start communicating how you expect to be treated and the consequences if those expectations aren’t met. For instance, you say to your parent, “I’d love to eat dinner with the family, but if you start to make unkind remarks about me, I’ll have to take my plate to my room.” You can also develop boundaries surrounding the abusers that you don’t communicate to them. For example, you may decide to stop sharing stories from work or school with your parent, or you might decide to ride the bus to school instead of getting a ride from them. Remember that abusive people rarely respond graciously when you try to set boundaries, so be prepared to carry your plate to your room. Stand your ground, and do what makes you feel safe.

5. Don’t isolate. Isolation is one of the more cunning tactics of an abusive family. By creating a “closed system” in which outsiders are unwelcome, or where you’re judged or punished for seeking relationships outside the family, abusers make sure that they maintain control over you and continue the abuse. Don’t self-perpetuate that isolation. Reach out to trusted friends and family. Share what you’re going through with them so that you’re not alone in acknowledging the abuser’s actions. Ask for support–you’ll likely get it! 

6. Reconstruct your sense of self. One of the impacts of emotional abuse is that you’ve spent so much of your life worrying about how to keep your abuser appeased that you have very little concept of your identity apart from that or the lies they fed you about who you are. It can be extremely healing to discover that you are your own, free to think, feel, and do what makes you feel happy and healthy. This is the time to try new things, meet new people, read, explore, and nurture interests both old and new. You may discover things about yourself you never would’ve known if you’d stayed hidden under your abuser’s wing. 

7. Build a lifestyle you love. Healing is a process. There isn’t one isolated thing you can do to flip the ON/OFF switch of trauma. You have to commit to making room in your life for little healing moments to happen every day. Over the long term, that looks like building a healthy lifestyle that supports your mental and emotional health. Choosing foods that are delicious and nutritious, moving your body, going to counseling or therapy, pursuing your interests and passions, and engaging with your community organizations can all be a part of the full life you make for yourself.

8. Commit to ending the cycle. Another common impact of emotionally abusive relationships is that they’re often part of a pattern. The emotional trauma it leaves with its victims can lead them to be blind to potential abuse in future relationships or to repeat their abusers' tactics on others. Don’t let that be you. Learn everything you can about emotional abuse and make sure your family’s cycle of abuse ends with you. Your future children or partners don’t have to endure what you have, and you don’t have to put up with abuse from anyone else. You have the power to be the last in your family’s legacy of emotional abuse.

Nobody Deserves to Be Abused

If you’ve looked over all this and still don’t know where to start or who to reach out to, get help from a Hope Coach today. You don’t deserve to be stuck in an abusive situation, and we will do whatever we can to help you determine the next steps in your journey toward freedom because you are worthy of great love.

For more on how to recognize the types of abuse and what to do read Parent Relationships: Am I Being Abused?

So, you’ve been diagnosed with a mental illness, and you’re wondering, “Why me?” It doesn’t seem fair that you should have to deal with the symptoms of your disorder while others walk the earth with the ability to produce their own serotonin and dopamine, regulate their own emotions, and live in a peace of mind that you feel like you’ll never know. It makes sense that you want to understand why, or for what reason, you were dealt this blow. Were you born with mental illness, or did it develop over time? Did you or your family cause it in some way? What causes mental illness in the first place? 

What to Know About Long-Term Mental Illness

What Causes Mental Illness

The question of why you have a mental illness can be answered in part by what we know through medical research. Evidence shows that there are a number of causes for mental health disorders like anxiety, depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia. Most of them fall into the categories of biology, genetics, environment, and experiences. From those perspectives, there are a number of reasons why you might have a mental illness:

1. An imbalance hinders your brain’s neurotransmitters from properly communicating, resulting in a chemical imbalance that makes it difficult for certain parts of your brain to function. 

2. Mental illness runs in families. If your parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, or grandparents have the same disorder, it’s likely that you were actually born with a genetic predisposition to developing that particular mental illness.

3. What your body has been exposed to matters. If your birth mom abused substances or worked a job that exposed her to toxins while she was pregnant with you, that may have put you at higher risk for mental illness. If you’ve been exposed to toxins or abused substances in the past, that puts you at higher risk as well.

4. Stress and trauma have an impact as well. If you’ve been through particularly difficult life events or experienced prolonged periods of instability, that could be a factor in why you developed a mental illness.

Research also reflects that woman are more likely than men to develop certain mental illnesses and that the brain goes through such significant changes in early adulthood that most mental illnesses manifest during your mid-twenties. If that isn’t enough to answer your question, then you can simply look at the statistics… 61.5 million Americans struggle with mental illness year after year, and you’re one of them. As you can see, the answers are myriad when you simply ask the question why.

Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

If the question you’re really asking is, in fact, “why me,” then you might be struggling with a much larger question. Why does anyone have to go through life with mental illness? Why does anyone have to endure that pain? Why does pain, or any suffering, happen? And what in the world does it all mean? People have come up with a lot of ideas to explain or find meaning in suffering. 

The Pew Research Center recently published a survey of how Americans explain why bad things happen. They report that a whopping 35% of the Americans they surveyed simply believe that “life happens” at random–in short, it’s inevitable, there is no explanation, and you simply have to live with the cards you're dealt. 13% of those surveyed believe that suffering and evil are part of God’s will, either because He is using suffering to test our faith and bring us closer to him, or because He is angry with us for how we’re living. 6% blame other people, governments, and society for most suffering, saying that we’re set up to fail from the beginning by flawed systems created by the men and women who came before us. The other beliefs reported in the survey include that suffering and evil come from fate/karma, free will and its consequences, and the idea that all suffering is meant to teach us a lesson.

Most of us are overwhelmed by suffering at some point in our lives, whether it's our own suffering or the suffering of others. In the midst of that overwhelm, it makes sense that we try to find meaning and purpose in the suffering itself, a way to justify it, an answer to the question why. Why was I born with mental illness?

The truth is: nobody knows for sure. This leaves you with a decision to make.

The Christian Perspective

Christians believe that, in the beginning, everything including mankind was created by God. It was whole, perfect, and beautiful, exactly as He intended it to be. Then sin came into the world–you’ve probably heard the famous story about Eve and the serpent. When sin came in, it didn’t just mean that men and women suddenly became capable of doing terrible things. It also meant that suffering became possible. Anything that is imperfect in this world is a result of sin itself. Without sin, there would be no cancer, no suicide, no racism, no wars, and no mental illness. In short, Christians believe that the answer to your question is: sin. You developed a mental illness because we live in a broken world where pain and suffering happen every day.

But the good news is, Christ-followers also believe in redemption. We believe that a broken world can be made new. We believe that because of His love for us, there is hope for a time when “there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain.” It’s not that “everything happens for a reason,” but that anything and everything can be redeemed. Your pain and struggle with your mental illness can be redeemed if you choose. It can be part of a story with a happy ending, even if the plot is thick with trials along the way.

What Are You Going to Do with Your Mental Illness?

So now the question is no longer “Why was I born with a mental illness?” Now it’s “What do I do now?” Will your story have a redemption arc? The road ahead won’t be easy, but there is hope. Lean on your friends and family, seek professional counseling, carefully consider any medications your doctor recommends for your particular disorder, and do whatever you can to set yourself up for success. If you need help finding resources that can help you, reach out to TheHopeLine, and a Hope Coach will be happy to walk through this tough time with you. There will still be days when your mental health challenges you, just like there are days when a diabetes patient struggles to manage their blood sugar. The important thing is that you can live an abundant life, full of purpose and struggle with mental illness at the same time. Your mental illness is just a part of you, and you are “fearfully and wonderfully made” by a God who loves His children.

Are you struggling with an anxiety disorder? Read our blog on, How to Deal with Anxiety, You Can't Just Toughen Up.

Do You Know Someone Struggling with Grief?

GRIEF. It is one of those emotions that we wish we could avoid, but we will all, undoubtedly, experience grief at some point in our life.

Since the experience of loss and grief is universal and will impact most everyone during their lifetime, I wanted to write about it today. I want to encourage anyone who is grieving that whatever you are feeling after a loss is O.K., you are not alone, and you will get through this.

If you have lost someone, I am so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to let your emotions go. Please don’t bottle them up. I have heard it said like this, “It is not the grief you want to avoid; it is the pain. Grief is the way out of the pain.” These gut-wrenching, sometimes suffocating feelings you may be facing are signs that a deep connection has been severed. It is going to be painful. But grieving is necessary.

Taylor called my radio show a couple years after her mom died. She is dealing with many mixed emotions because she didn’t actually know her mom that well, but she still misses her. Taylor shares how some days she stays in bed and cries all day, but she knows she can’t let her grief control her life.

https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/thehopeline-media/Taylro+-+mom+drug+overdose.mp3

Perhaps you have read about the 5 stages of grief before, but I want to share them with you again. Each stage is important as they allow the human emotional immune system to resolve the loss.  However, the stages of grief aren’t always clear cut and there is no set time limit for each step. They simply act as a framework for healing. Do you find yourself in one of these stages?

How to Love Someone Grieving

Stage One: Denial, Numbness, and Shock

• The initial shock serves to protect the person from experiencing the intensity of the loss. Numbness and shock are normal in this stage and shouldn’t be confused with “lack of caring”.
• Denial or numbness can last anywhere from a minute to months, depending on the individual. As the person slowly begins to acknowledge the impact of the loss, disbelief will diminish.

Stage Two: Anger

• Anger is a necessary part of the grieving process. In this stage, one may feel helpless, abandoned or powerless as a result of the loss.
• Feelings of anger can act as a temporary structure to frame the loss and begin processing it. A grieving individual may also be angry at God, the person lost or in life in general.

Stage Three: Bargaining

Stage Four: Depression

• The bargaining stage often involves persistent thoughts about what could’ve been done to prevent the loss or ways there could have been a different outcome.
• If not properly resolved, the intense feelings of remorse or guilt may interfere with the healing process.

• Depression sets in after the true extent of the loss becomes reality. Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation and self-pity often accompany this stage of grief. After a major loss, those dealing with depression tend to withdraw from life and be in a fog of intense sadness.
• Common physical symptoms of grief or depression may appear, including sleep or appetite disruption, a lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells.

Stage Five: Acceptance

• Over time, the grieving person may be able to come to terms with their emotions and accept that the loss has occurred. Healing can begin once the loss becomes integrated into the person’s set of life experiences.
• This stage is where one accepts that life is forever changed and must readjust to the new reality. This doesn’t mean forgetting the loss but rather rebuilding and beginning to reinvest in hobbies, friendships, new connections, etc.

It is important to know that enjoying life again does not mean that you no longer miss the person you lost. You are not somehow betraying them by moving on. Your grief has simply run its course.

However, it is also not wrong to keep their memory alive with a special object or planned occasion. Sometimes externalizing your loss in such a way can aid with your healing, especially during the holidays, when the hole left by the person you lost is felt more acutely again. Here are some ideas of what you could do:

• Light a candle for your loved one.
• A prayer before the Holiday dinner, about your loved one.
• Share a favorite story about your loved one.
• Have everyone tell a funny story about your loved one.

Perhaps as you are reading this blog you are thinking of a friend who has experienced great loss and you are not sure how to help them. You may even be avoiding the situation because you are afraid it will be awkward or that you will say the wrong thing. Let me assure you that the most important thing you can do is to just be there for them. There are no magic words to say to take away their pain. Your presence is enough. In an effort to make you more comfortable in these situations here are two lists…one is of things that are helpful to say, the other is of things to avoid saying.

The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief:

1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words; just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away
7. Give a hug instead of saying something
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
10. Say nothing, just be with the person

What to avoid saying to Someone in Grief:

1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for a while now
6. You can have another child still
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
8. I know how you feel
9. She did what she came here to do, and it was her time to go
10. Be strong
(Source: www.Grief.com)

Wyatt called into Dawson McAllister Live! seeking advice for how to help his best friend. A year has passed since his friend’s mom died and Wyatt has stood by his side, but now his friend is starting to act out. I let Wyatt know that after a year of “being there” for his friend, he has earned the right to speak the truth to him.

https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/thehopeline-media/Wyatt+-+16+-+Tulsa+OK+-+mom%27s+friend+died.mp3

As you walk this journey through grief know that God is near. Even if you are confused and feel alone, God will never abandon you. He says in the Bible “I will never leave you or forsake you.” He also tells us to “Cast all our cares on him.” Keep praying and ask others to pray for you as well and God will give you a peace that passes understanding.

We also have a partner, GriefShare, who is a caring support group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life's most difficult experiences.

What to Know About Sex Trafficking

Awareness Month Reminder - Sex Trafficking Happens

Every January we take the time to focus on the ever-important subject of sex trafficking so that you can stay aware and keep your friends and peers safe from its grasp. Yet every January, it’s clear that we still need to answer this question: is sex trafficking really a problem in my country? The answer is yes. Just because you haven’t spotted it in your school or community doesn’t mean it’s not there, whether you live in a city center or the rural outskirts.

In an article from 2017, Exodus Road reported that over 200,000 children and teenagers are victims of sex trafficking each year in the United States. And since sex trafficking is so tricky to identify, it’s a fair assumption that plenty more cases went unreported or even unnoticed. Long story short: trafficking is happening near you, perhaps even in your very own school. It’s going to take your eyes, ears, compassion, and bravery to stop it.

Trafficking Is Hard to Spot on Purpose

It’s estimated that human trafficking is a $150 billion industry each year, so it’s no wonder that traffickers are experts in the art of concealing their business and teaching their victims to stay under the radar. If they get caught, they stand to lose a lot of money, so their crimes are very well hidden. The person who sits next to you in homeroom, takes the same train as you do, or works the same after-school job could be keeping a secret that their life depends on. Victims of ongoing trafficking are often isolated from the rest of the world, sometimes physically, but more often by the lies or threats they hear from their abuser causing them to keep their secret and making them difficult to identify. These days, the vast majority of traffickers’ recruitment process, called “grooming,” is conducted online, and some victims are trafficked solely online via the sale of pornographic images. So, while you may imagine that victims are locked away in a basement somewhere, many are actually with you every day being coerced to do things online every night.

Many organizations are working on technology that can trace and identify all online traffickers. Yet it’s estimated that a mere 1% of trafficking victims are identified by law enforcement, let alone their abusers. The trafficking industry absolutely thrives on this level of anonymity.

Learn to Spot Potential Trafficking at School

It’s our job, then, to learn how to identify trafficking situations, especially in schools, regardless of how difficult a task that might be. How? By learning more about how trafficking works. As a student yourself, you get a closer look at the daily activities of your peers than anyone else, so your observations are a valuable asset to identifying potential trafficking situations.

• Understand who’s at the highest risk. While anyone can fall victim to trafficking, the most vulnerable communities are your peers of color and LGBTQ+, especially if they’ve ever been part of the foster care system. Other vulnerability factors are poverty, addiction, a history of abuse or violence, and not having a stable living situation. If you know anyone who’s run away from home, experiences homelessness, or shows signs of serious neglect, they’re at risk of being targeted by predators. By understanding who’s at risk, you can be more aware of the well-being of those around you.
• Understand the process and power dynamics. Traffickers are sneaky and very often good storytellers. They often lure young people into a trap by making grand promises, usually by pledging to give them better food, shelter, or safety than they have at home. Keep an ear open for stories like these: a girl in your class has left home to move in with a much older boyfriend, a guy on your team can suddenly afford expensive clothes or equipment, one of your classmates has an online relationship with a person who says they can give them a job as a model, etc.
• Know the signs. According to recent data, 75% of sex trafficking survivors report being sold online, which is often where grooming begins, so if you notice that a classmate’s been spending more time online, that could be a red flag that they’re being pulled into a trafficking scheme. Other red flags might be noticing that someone is often absent but has no explanation as to why they missed school, noticing someone is repeatedly dressed inappropriately for the weather (perhaps skimpy or revealing), noticing that someone is in poor health or regularly attends school with new bruises, noticing that a classmate struggles to make eye contact or can’t keep their story straight about where they live or who they live with, or noticing that a classmate is extremely private about their phone or has two phones. It’s also a red flag if a student is either addicted to or selling drugs to other students, as whoever is supplying them with those substances could be a trafficker or pimp.
• Understand how traffickers use social media. Here's an example of how a trafficker could use social media to groom a victim. They scroll social media looking for young people who look vulnerable for one reason or another (often looking for the risk factors mentioned above). Perhaps a student shares on social media a problem with their parents or friends, etc. The trafficker sends them a direct message building them up. They start to communicate. Then one night the student posts a picture at a home football game. The trafficker sees it and reaches out saying something like, "Hey! I see you are at the game tonight. I'm right in the neighborhood. We should meet. Come out to the parking lot." And the manipulation begins. Gifts, meals, love, care...whatever they need. Pretty soon the trafficker has used them, and they are under their control.
• Listen to the stories. Educate yourself. Every trafficking situation is unique, and traffickers get more creative every day. By listening to the stories of real sex-trafficking survivors like Christopher Bates and Hazel Fasthorse, you can be aware of your surroundings, the risks that face you and your peers, and the potential victims around you.

What Can You Do to Stop Trafficking?

So you know a lot more about sex trafficking than you did a few hundred words ago. Great! What now? Awareness is a good step, but how can you actually help? There are a few important ways you can equip yourself to make a difference, both at your school and in the larger fight to end human trafficking.

• Know how to report. If you notice signs of trafficking at school, do not approach or engage with the suspected victim directly. Talking to them could aggravate their trafficker and possibly result in further violence against the victim. Instead, tell a teacher and have them call the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 1-888-373-7888 to report the details of your suspicions. If, however, you witness an active human trafficking incident directly, it’s appropriate to call 911 immediately.
• Advocate and spread awareness. Make sure your friends, faculty, and administration understand how widespread and ongoing this really is and encourage them to become familiar with the signs. The more people on the lookout for trafficking, the more likely victims and their traffickers can be identified.
• Center survivors’ voices. Stories are powerful tools when it comes to fighting injustice! Do what you can to give a platform to the stories survivors are sharing. Only they can truly fathom and communicate what the world of trafficking holds and how it can be stopped.
• Consider inviting organizations to do a presentation at your school. For example, you could invite an organization like our partner, Unchained.  They also offer professional training for school staff and volunteer opportunities for those looking to dive deeper into the fight against human trafficking, including ways you can support survivors. The Polaris Project also offers several options for those who want to take action.

Most importantly, don’t let January be the only time you think about the problem of human trafficking. It’s great that we take this time each year to call attention to the problem but remember - victims of trafficking are being deprived of their freedom 365 days out of the year. At TheHopeLine, we believe Jesus Christ died so that we might all be free of sin and shame, which unequivocally includes freedom from the exploitation of human trafficking. Let’s continue to fight for that freedom!

Does sex trafficking really happen in the United States? Learn more about sex trafficking myths and how to identify a potential victim.

How to Handle Grieving a Loved One

How to Grieve a Loved One

Have you ever had someone who was very close to you die? Maybe it was a brother or sister, a parent, a grandparent, or even a close friend. The death of a loved one is very difficult, and everyone, at some time, will have to go through this painful experience. And the grief usually hits you in a way you least expect it, flooding you with overwhelming feelings you never realized you had. Have you lost someone special in your life? How did it affect you?

Are You Struggling with The Death of Someone You Love?

Richard wrote, "I lost my first love (Kelly) at age 15. We did everything together. Kelly died on the same road I lived on at the time. That has been 7 or 8 years ago and I'm still not over her. I feel lonely and hurt without her. Life isn't the same. As I lay down to sleep at night and close my eyes, I still see her beautiful smile. At times I feel like I can't go on with life. All I think about is being with Kelly."

Richard can't imagine life without Kelly, even though the reality is that she has been gone for quite some time. Richard appears to be in deep denial. Denial is one of the ways people attempt to deal with the death of someone they love.

This is what Reagan said she did to deal with the death of her uncle. "My uncle passed away on Halloween 2009 and to this day I haven't accepted the fact that he's gone, he meant the world to me. He was like a father to me, and I wanted him to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day."

The biggest hurdle you're going to face is getting trapped in how horrible you feel. That's natural and it may take time to get past those feelings. But be careful, because before you know it, you'll find yourself defining yourself by your misery. The better choice will be to focus on taking care of yourself and dealing with your grief in a more healthy and productive way.

What are some healthy ways to deal with your sadness and grief over the death of someone close to you?

1. Find somebody who you trust and talk with them about how the death is making you feel. Don't try to carry it all by yourself. Elizabeth wrote: I've mostly talked it out, etc. It's been nine years since my dad's passing. It'll never completely go away. If you keep your feelings locked up inside, you'll only increase the stress you are under.

2. Look for other people who have experienced similar losses and hear their story. Learn from them about how they have dealt with death and loss. You can learn a lot from others who have had similar experiences; they have already been there and can prepare you for what's ahead.

3. Try to remember good memories about the person who died. This will help you reflect on the fact that their life had purpose and had a huge impact on your life. Enjoy reflecting on the good about them. The way they made you laugh. The way they cared for others. The good they brought to the world.

4. Don't be afraid to express your emotions. It's normal to cry. It's actually a really good physical and emotional response to help you cope with your loss. If you haven't cried, or don't feel like you can, try expressing your emotions in other ways, like through writing, painting, music, or even exercising. There are many healthy ways you can help get your grief out. Teresa wrote: We removed life support on our 5 yr old daughter and my husband and I felt we made the most loving decision of our lives. Even though it has been 18 years I have good days and bad days and crying mostly helps.

5. Find ways to help other people. One of the best ways to get your mind off your grief is by giving away your time to other people. You can find ways to help people with anything they need. Sometimes just giving someone a listening ear is very valuable.

It is Hard, but It Can Get Better

Realize, in time, you will feel better. A while back I was introduced to a woman whose son died two months earlier. I began to tell her how terrible I felt about her situation. She looked at me and said, "It is hard, but it is getting better." I never forgot what she said. On the one hand, she agreed her experience was very difficult. Yet on the other, she was acknowledging that healing was taking place.

The pain you are feeling right now is real and valid. However, as time goes on you can allow your pain to do one of two things: You can let it turn you into a depressed, self-centered person, or you can let it make you into a compassionate person, capable of being sympathetic to others going through their own difficult times. I hope you would choose the compassionate route. I imagine your loved one would hope for the same.

Healing takes time and it cannot be rushed. Yet we can comfort ourselves by knowing, in time, it will get better. And if you let it, it will make you into a deeper, more loving person.

As you walk through this journey of loss and grief, God has not left you. He is there to bring you strength and comfort. He often brings comfort through the people he puts around you. Look for how God is at work in your life and cry out to Him when you feel lost. He loves you and longs for you to bring your hurt and your heart to him. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

GriefShare has caring support groups throughout the country of people who have also experienced loss and will walk alongside you through one of life's most difficult experiences.

How Porn and Sex Trafficking Are Linked

What to Know About Porn and Sex Trafficking

Many people justify their consumption of pornography as a victimless indulgence. After all, the thinking goes, the women are consenting adults, this is how they are choosing to make some money? But what if they're not choosing? What if they're not consenting, and aren't even adults? The huge amount of money involved in the "adult entertainment" industry has proved irresistible to organized crime, pimps, and other illegal profiteers. Sex trafficking is not just providing unwilling prostitutes around the world. It's also responsible for "casting" pornographic movies all over the world.

"Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are.” – Benjamin Franklin

What is Sex Trafficking?

Sex traffickers seek out vulnerable boys, girls, and women and lure them, or outright kidnap them, and remove them from their friends and family and force them into performing sex acts and sexual slavery. Most victims find themselves in abusive situations from which escape is both difficult and dangerous. These predators use everything from drugs, physical and sexual abuse, lies, psychological manipulation, and actual imprisonment to get their victims to do what they want.

https://youtu.be/pIxdnnxqK6o?si=eghHsDbAMi490hRN

Often victims are illegally taken across international borders. These people then have to worry about the police and getting arrested and/or imprisoned in a foreign country, whose prisons are not nearly as accommodating as those in the United States. This fear of law enforcement prevents them from getting help even when they have the chance to escape.

Sex traffickers are pernicious criminals that exploit their victims for profit. While organized crime and terrorist organizations play major roles in sex trafficking, local criminals such as pimps and madams also play a role. In a growing number of instances, even schoolmates are playing a major role in entrapping classmates in order to “sell them to others.

How Does Sex Trafficking Interact with Pornography?

Sex traffickers are not particular about the source of their income. Not all victims of sex trafficking are solely used in prostitution or as sex slaves to paying customers. Pornography allows these predators to make money several times from one film. Taking just a few hours to create a low-budget film where they don’t have to pay the “actresses”, gives the criminals another income stream.

Sex trafficking and pornography often have a symbiotic relationship with pornography outlets in constant need of new products and sex traffickers having a steady supply of “talent”. Sex traffickers are not particular about the age of their victims and often use children in these films. While sex trafficking is often thought to be a big problem in third-world countries, it is the money from industrialized countries that allows sex trafficking to flourish. Contrary to popular belief, the United States is a major perpetrator of sex trafficking crimes.

Most pornographic films are sold to sites that make money from advertising revenue. When you are watching pornography, you have no way of knowing the source of the film. Based on the numbers of these films that are being produced with the cooperation of sex traffickers, any viewer of pornography has probably unwittingly funneled money into sex trafficking. Thus, not only supporting the sex trafficking crime, but creating higher demand for these crimes to be committed so further pornography can be consumed.

The more money sex traffickers make, the more they will expand. The more victims they will seek. The more young girls and boys they will kidnap, entrap, in prison and violate.

Pornography is not a victimless indulgence. An ever-increasingly large amount of the world’s pornography is made through sex trafficking. Watching porn is giving money to criminals who kidnap, rape, torture, and kill. Lives are destroyed because of the demand for pornography, sex trades and sexual abuse.

“People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.” – Unknown