Posts by TheHopeLine Team

What Are Dating Red Flags?

Ten Red Flags to Look for When Dating Online

“Dating.” It’s a tale as old as time. We all dream of meeting our soulmate, preferably in some romantic way that makes a great story to tell at parties for years to come. Whether you meet at school, the gym, the coffee shop, or the office, most of us don’t care as long as we find our person, and, of course, if you’ve dated in the last decade, you’ve likely met some contenders on the internet as well. Dating apps and online matchmaking sites are almost a foregone conclusion these days. Some of us can’t even imagine meeting a stranger “out in the wild” without vetting them online first. While it’s a wonderful tool and has certainly given many happy couples their start, online dating isn’t easy or perfect. There are just as many pitfalls when it comes to online dating as there are opportunities. Whether you’re a seasoned pro or downloading one of these apps for the first time, it’s important to think seriously about how best to use these accounts conscientiously and safely. Here are some common red flags to keep an eye out for when you’re using a dating app.

1. Profiles that link to or sync with other sites.

Some apps offer a feature that links your dating profile with your social media sites, allowing your matches to see your activity on other sites like Spotify and Instagram. While this is often touted as a “validation” method to make sure that you’re talking to a “real” person and give you a better idea of their personality, it can actually give someone access to more personal information than you want a stranger to have. Carefully consider whether you really want to allow these sites to connect to one another because you may unwittingly share more about yourself than you bargained for.

2. Direct requests for money, personal info, or departure from the app.

Though it might feel like a good sign when the person you’ve matched with asks for your number, it’s probably a better idea to keep your communications within the app’s messaging feature until you’ve met in person a few times. You would be surprised how much an untrustworthy stranger can do with your name and phone number. And of course, be highly suspicious if anyone you meet online asks you for money. That is a 100% scam 100% of the time. Nobody who’s interested in getting to know you romantically will ask you to send them money over the internet.

3. Requests to meet privately.

Never meet a stranger in a private place. You want to make sure that your first few in-person dates are in public, within full view of other people, and always make sure someone you trust knows where you’re going and when to expect you home. There are a couple of reasons someone might ask to meet privately that could be dangerous. First, online dating does give a platform to human traffickers, and you want to be smart to avoid walking into a situation that compromises your safety. Second, meeting in “private” could be code for meeting in “secret,” and unfortunately that sometimes means the person you’re meeting doesn’t want to get caught. Online dating also gives cheaters and liars an easy way into your life, so if they don’t want anyone else to know they’re meeting you, you need to be suspicious of their reason. Cheaters may also outright refuse to meet you in person, because they know they can’t do so without being exposed. Either way, if they won’t go on a real date with you, be wary.

4. Unsolicited explicit texts or photos.

Surprising you with explicit content you weren’t expecting and didn’t request is a toxic and manipulative move. It’s a sign that they are trying to maintain control of your conversation and that your connection may not be what you were hoping for. It’s also a red flag if they ask you to send them explicit messages. Remember, no matter what the privacy settings are on this site, nothing you sent via the internet is truly private. They could even be taking screenshots of everything you send and sharing those around, so be very careful with what you put out there.

5. Values or behaviors that don’t align with your future goals.

This means you need to know your own values and goals before you start chatting with anyone. Ask yourself why you’re on the app. If you’re looking to find “the one,” but the person you’re talking to is just looking to “hook up,” those two things don’t match. Big red flag. Whether you value family, or taking care of the environment, or Dungeons & Dragons, if they aren’t able to share or respect what you love, that could be another sign that this isn’t a workable match.

6. Ghosting.

If they’re holding a conversation with you one day and gone the next, that’s one of the reddest flags there is. Inconsistent communication is not okay, especially when you’re trying to start a new relationship. You deserve respect, and anyone who respects you wouldn’t disappear without warning is ghosting you. Even if they eventually come back, be highly suspicious of whether this person cares about you in a serious way.

7. Narcissistic or other toxic communication traits.

If they can only talk about themselves, get frustrated when you don’t respond quickly enough, or constantly ask you where you are, this is a sign they are trying to control you. Online dating can bring out the narcissistic traits in all of us if we’re not careful, so make sure you learn to recognize the signs, not just in the people you chat with but in yourself. You want to be respected, but you also want to respect the other app users. Remember there are real, live human beings on the other side of these profile pictures and text bubbles.

8. You find yourself comparing yourself to others.

You ask to look at your friends' profiles. You constantly change your pictures, questions, quotes, or blurbs. You worry that if you don’t get it right, people won’t “get” you. Go back to your overall goal for being on these dating sites. If you’re obsessing over building your “perfect profile,” there’s a chance you’re thinking way more about your profile than you are about looking for love, which can take a major toll on your mental health. Take a deep breath and look away from the phone for a little way. At least five minutes.

9. You find yourself mindlessly swiping for hours.

There are some studies now about whether or not these apps are actually addictive. Much like a game on your phone can be addicting because of the colors, lights, graphics, and rewards, these apps can train your brain to be stimulated by more and more use. Remember this isn’t actually just a game on your phone. It’s a means to an end. You want to find someone to spend your life with, not spend your life finding someone. If you’ve been swiping for hours, it’s time for a break, and maybe for longer than five minutes.

10. Dating burnout.

No matter how you’re getting your dates, putting yourself out there is hard. When someone doesn’t message you back, or if you finally meet someone in person and they don’t want a second date, rejection can feel devastating. Apps and dating sites allow us to go through prospects at a much faster rate than we used to be able to, and you’re bound to experience disappointment at some point. Be careful not to get discouraged or take each rejection too personally. Some can experience depression if they misuse these sites, so if you’re feeling tired, pay attention to that feeling and take a break to avoid burnout.

Don’t let these red flags scare you away from trying these apps in the first place. There are plenty of happy couples out there who came together via the internet, and you could be next! This list is just here to help you succeed. At the end of the day, each one is just an indicator that something’s off. The best way to avoid disaster when it comes to online dating is to be consistently mindful of three questions: Are you being safe? Are you forming real connections? Is the process controlling you? If you’re able to take care of yourself in those ways, there’s no reason Bumble or Hinge can’t be part of your love story. Forgive the cliché, but God works in mysterious ways… dating apps are undoubtedly one of them. If you’re wondering about a specific interaction you’re having online, or if you’re not sure what to do about a red flag you’ve noticed, feel free to reach out for a chat with TheHopeLine. We have your back, and we’re happy to help you explore whether your online dating experience is safe and healthy!

SOUL TIES

Sex is a tridimensional experience: spirit, soul, and body. Anytime you have sex with a person you bond with them. Dr. Daniel Amen writes in his book, “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life,” “Whenever a person is sexually involved with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding. Limbic bonding is the reason casual sex doesn’t really work for most people on a whole mind and body level. Two people may decide to have sex ‘just for the fun of it,’ yet something is occurring on another level that they might not have decided on at all: sex is enhancing an emotional bond between them whether they want it or not. One person, often the woman, is bound to form an attachment and will be hurt when a casual affair ends. One reason it is usually the woman who is hurt most is that the female limbic system is larger than the males.” This is what we call soul ties. Sex is like gluing two pieces of wood together and the next day ripping them apart. Of course, wood from the opposite board remains on each board. A piece of your sex partner (the good, bad, and ugly) stays with you (and vice versa) for the rest of your life. You can only imagine what it looks like when you bond with multiple partners.

Unhealthy soul ties are often the ramifications of having partners that you create a life-long bond with through a sexual encounter(s), but with whom you only have a short-term relationship with. The bond (soul tie) remains long after the relationship is over, leaving both sexual partners longing for wholeness.

THREE REASONS UNHEALTHY SOUL TIES TAKE PLACE:

1. People are misinformed and therefore convinced that sex is strictly a single-dimensional, physical act with no emotional or spiritual connections. Yet after sex they find themselves mysteriously longing for the person they may not even like.

2. A person (usually the woman) gives him or herself sexually to someone expecting that the intensely intimate act of intercourse would create a bond that would lead to deeper levels of commitment in their relationship. But soon she discovers that her sexual partner was taking advantage of her need for intimacy and used her vulnerability to get laid. Of course, this leads to a person being emotionally and spiritually bonded to somebody that they deeply resent!

3. Two people commit to marriage and therefore surmise that the covenant vows are only a formality. So, they live together and enjoy a sexual relationship outside of a life-long commitment. But later they decide (for whatever reason) that they don’t want to live in a covenant relationship and eventually break up. They usually don’t realize how deeply they have wounded each other as their souls are ripped apart, tearing the very fabric of their being in the separation.
I understand that there are hundreds of other reasons why unhealthy soul ties take place, but I am simply trying to give you a few examples.

7 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY SOUL TIE:

1. You are in a physically, and/or emotionally, and/or spiritually abusive relationship, but you “feel” so attached to them that you refuse to cut off the connection and set boundaries with them.

2. You have left a relationship (maybe long ago), but you think about the other person obsessively (you can’t get them out of your mind).

3. Whenever you do anything – make a decision, have a conversation with someone, etc., you “feel” like this person is with you or watching you.

4. When you have sex with someone else (hopefully your husband or wife), you can hardly keep yourself from visualizing the person you have a soul tie with.

5. You take on the negative traits of the person that your soul is tied to and carry their offenses whether or not you actually agree with them.

6. You defend your right to stay in a relationship with the person that your soul is tied to, even though it is negatively affecting or even destroying the important relationships in your life (husband, wife, kids, leaders, etc.)

7. You have simultaneous experiences and/or “moods” as the person your soul is tied to. This can even include sickness, accidents, addictions, etc.

1 Corinthians 6:15 – Do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.”

THERE IS HOPE

There is hope if you find yourself in an unhealthy soul tie. You can never fall so far that you can’t be restored. New life is available to you by simply repenting and asking Jesus to forgive you. Forgiveness restores the standard in our lives, and you can live in freedom and hope again.

For more on the emotional bond of sex read, "Everyone Love Sex. So Why Wait?". 

Originally published on Moral Revolution.

What to Know About Recovering From Sex Addiction

Recovery Can Be Messy

We all have a story. For more than 20 years, I’ve been involved in recovery and helping others who are on this journey. It’s intense. It can be messy. There are times when it feels like you’re making great progress and other times when it feels paralyzing and like you’re unable to move forward. And for many of us, especially in the beginning, it can feel like a battle.

When you think about this life of recovery, the conflicts you’ve faced—some won with a great victory and some that left you face down in the mud—what does your battle look like? If you were to tell your story, what picture would it paint?

When we listen to someone’s battle story, the picture that forms in our mind tells us a lot about the struggles they’ve faced and their victories. We know it wasn’t easy. We know there were others involved in the process. And we know, even when they experienced minor setbacks, they gave 100%!

Sound familiar? It should. This is what recovery looks like.

No one ever said recovery would be easy. We all have experienced this at some level, either being the one who struggles with addictive behaviors or married to someone who struggles. So, we know, up close and personal, what these battles look like.

For so many of us, we have tried to fight this battle on our own — trying to make our life look clean and put together on the outside so others can’t see just how messy we are on the inside. It’s often during times that our addiction was at its worst, we made sure to say all the right things and look the part. But on the inside, we were a mess. We cannot fight this battle alone.

Does your battle picture show others who fought with you and for you? Were there times when they carried you through the muck of life?

You may wonder, why would we want to fight this battle with others? Pretty simple really. Here are three reasons to keep in mind.

What to Know About Sex Addiction Recovery

1. We Need Others

There is just no way we can do this on our own. This battle is too hard and there are too many obstacles that we cannot defeat on our own. Sexual temptation is coming at us from every direction. And, just when we think we are making traction in the right direction, the enemy starts calling an audible (changing the play). If we are not careful and cannot see the enemy’s schemes, he may call an audible that will totally set us back.

It is very important to lean on others who have gone before you in this battle and can see the enemy’s misdirections. People who are battle-tested, so to speak. People who have beautiful battle scars.

2. There is Power in Numbers

Matthew 18:20 says: For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.

The Bible clearly states that there is power in numbers. We need the support of others throughout this journey. At times, it might get ugly. We might become exhausted and feel like we can’t keep going. I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside and helping guys find freedom. In the same way, there are guys who have supported and carried me through some pretty messy times.

Don’t underestimate the power of your group. A group that runs like a well-oiled machine is strong, dynamic, and influential! God has put you in your group for a reason. Your group is a Band of Brothers (or a Band of Sisters) who can facilitate what we all thought was impossible.

3. Showing Your Scars Makes a Difference

Our scars do not define us. If anything, our scars show just how powerful we are. The trauma, abuse, and pain that we’ve experienced are a part of our story. Our scars are evidence of where we came from; not where we are going. Sometimes, it’s our scars that can make a difference in the lives of others. It can be a symbol of hope to those who are just starting their healing journey.

I can imagine that one day, when I meet God, he will say to me, “Your scars are beautiful.” They definitely got me where I am today. I get emotional just thinking about it. Our scars are beautiful in the eyes of God.

As we continue to live out our healing and help others find freedom, remember, don’t be afraid to show your scars. You may not see it or feel it now, but your scars are powerful.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds, we are healed.  Isaiah 53:5 

I had no intention of writing this today but after a pretty emotional weekend—losing a friend who died in his sleep and dealing with the failed suicide attempt of a guy in my group—I sat down and wrote this.

Although I had tears in my eyes while I was typing, it helped me process my thoughts and how I was feeling. It also helped me recognize exactly how far I have come in my own healing.

If you are struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors and want to find freedom, reach out. Connect with us at Pure Desire. Don’t wait. The battle you’re fighting is not going to be easy but together, we can have victory!

About the Author...
Rich Moore is the International Men's Groups Coordinator (IGC) for Pure Desire. He has been involved with Pure Desire for over 20 years and is a foundational piece to helping churches start a Pure Desire group ministry. Rich is also the author of The Silent Battle: One Man's Fight for Freedom.

This article was originally published at Pure Desire Ministries.

Is It Worth Waiting Until Marriage for Sex?

Why You Should Wait Until Marriage for Sex

When I met my wife, it was like we had known each other for years. One of the reasons I was nervous (other than the fact that I hit her in the head with my surfboard, splitting her head open) was the deep sense of connection I felt from that first day. We talked about family. We talked about our goals and dreams. We felt comfortable with one another. We felt connected.

In my line of work today, I study a lot of science. And the more I do, the more I see God. And I refuse to think a lot of what we find about God in science is merely a coincidence.

Hormones Are Powerful Stuff.

In Genesis 2:24–25, the dynamics of marriage are introduced, noting that a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and that the two would become “one flesh.” This expression carries a much deeper significance than we often realize. It carries with it the idea of unity, even closely connected with the Hebrew word meaning “to be united.”

“One flesh” paints the picture of united at the deepest level, not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually.
The idea is that, as Adam and Eve came from one body, so now they would once again become one.

The Emotional Bond of a Physical Act

We see this reality in the science behind sexual activity. During an intimate physical act, our brain releases a number of chemicals—the chief of all these chemicals is oxytocin. Think of oxytocin as a form of glue, promoting bonding and attachment—and sometimes the opposite. It has even been dubbed the “cuddle hormone” or “love hormone” because it does simply that.

Oxytocin creates bonding, trust and generosity in us.

In fact, whenever you feel comfort or security, you can thank oxytocin. Every form of human bonding from non-sexual to sexual interactions involves oxytocin to some degree.

During sexual intercourse, the brain releases oxytocin causing a connection, a bonding on a deep level. Whether we like it or not, oxytocin creates a bond between us and our partner; and the more sexual encounters we have together, the stronger the bond becomes. When oxytocin is released, it floods the brain with endorphins, a natural opiate that activates the pleasure center in the brain.

A person may choose to have sex many times with many different people, and whether he or she knows it or not, a bond is formed with each and every experience. When this bond is broken, it creates pain.

The Spiritual Implications

The story of Adam and Eve is our story. Their union, their eventual fall, it is the story of our desires, our choices, and the brokenness we all feel (see Romans 5). It is the story of what we all yearn for: a deep, intimate, meaningful, trusting relationship with a partner—oneness. This is how God created us. This is his desire for us as well. The question, however, is this: Is it possible for us to get back to that oneness?

The Mysterious Design Behind Sex

During sex, two beings—two souls—are uniting, becoming one. There is an intimacy and depth unlike any other act. Sounds like the bonding power of the chemical oxytocin, doesn’t it?

It is interesting that the writer of Genesis 2 connects this sense of two becoming one within the dynamics of marriage. It is as if to communicate that this bond is so powerful, so transcending, that marriage is the only force that can contain it.

Marriage was—and still should be—considered sacred.

Going back to my first date with the woman who would become my wife, we felt such a deep connection, the “natural” thing seemed to be to connect in every way. But we waited.

The amazing thing is that God’s prescriptions for sex and marriage or corroborated by science. Consummating our marriage was not only a physical union—but an emotional and spiritual one as well—a profound moment of unifying power.

As I look at the ancient Scriptures and see science collaborating it, I am even more amazed at how God made us. This gift of sex is not a shameful act—but one to be celebrated and praised. The problem comes when sex used outside of what God intended. It can turn from a blessing to a curse.

New Beginning

The beauty of God is that even if we live in ways that are opposite of what he designed—there is redemption. As God brings us eternal redemption through the cross—he also offers us relational redemption.

But, as Christians, we serve a God of grace and healing, who wants the best for us. No matter what you’ve done in the past, He doesn’t want you to live in shame. He’s all about restoration. But he wants to us to recognize His plan, even if there are times, we’ve diverted from it.

Our shortcomings are forgiven when we seek his forgiveness. We are loved and cherished, and he has a life of fulfillment set before us. In the end, the choice is up to us—will we decide to live in ways that bring about unity and wholeness or ways that lead to pain?

If you had sex before marriage, you are not damaged goods. You are loved and valued, and you have support. Find out more here.

About the Author...
BRYAN A. SANDS After twenty years in the church and university worlds, Bryan A. Sands has been the Lead Pastor at Kaimuki Christian Church in Honolulu, Hawaii since 2018. He is the author of, Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait? (A Discussion in Sexual Faithfulness). Bryan and his wife, Caz, have four daughters. Bryan also offers a 6-part video curriculum that is connected with his book, Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait? on YouTube:

Small Group Curriculum - Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait?

Can You Get PTSD From a Relationship?

PTSD from an Abusive Relationship

Can PTSD Occur After an Abusive Relationship? Absolutely, yes. If you’ve reached the point of wondering about the answer to that question, it’s time to ask another couple of questions:

1. Are you or is someone you know engaged in a potentially abusive relationship?
2. Are you or is someone you know experiencing the signs and symptoms of PTSD or another mental illness?

If you answered “yes” to either or both of those questions, this article is for you. Let’s get you connected with resources and support to navigate the topics of abuse and mental illness, okay? There are a couple more questions to ask that will help us get a handle on the situation. First, how do you recognize abuse within a relationship? Second, how do you recognize the signs and symptoms of PTSD?

What Is Abuse?

There are several kinds of abuse, but the underlying factor in whether a person is abusive is that they are intentionally causing harm to another person. This can manifest as physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse, etc.

Regardless of how an abuser inflicts harm, the abuse can cause lasting, crippling damage to the victim in a number of ways, including mental illnesses like PTSD. Abuse is not always overt. Sometimes it’s so subtle that nobody notices, perhaps not even the victim, until years into the relationship or after the abuse has occurred. So how do you recognize an abusive relationship when you suspect one? Pay close attention to the following things:

• Is the victim afraid to speak their mind in the presence of the abuser?
• Is the victim able to make decisions for themselves, such as what to eat, how to dress, and where to go?
• Do the victim and the abuser keep to themselves? Do they often socialize, or do they seem to keep their relationship more private than others?
• Does the abuser demand to know everything or be involved in every detail of the victim’s life?

Often, an abuser’s power relies upon maintaining control over the victim, so if you see signs that a person has lost their independence or autonomy due to their relationship with someone, it’s quite possible that the relationship has become abusive.

How Can You End or Escape an Abusive Relationship?

If you suspect an abusive relationship, it’s time to seek professional help! Counselors and therapists are trained to recognize abuse and equipped to support someone who may be in an unhealthy relationship and needs to escape. If you or someone you know needs this kind of resource, please reach out to TheHopeLine today, and we’ll be happy to help connect you to someone who can advise you on your situation.

If you’re in physical danger, or if you think your abuser won’t take kindly to your attempts at separating, create a safety plan before you make your move to end things. Make sure you’ve talked to a professional, contacted the necessary authorities, and have somewhere to go. Again, don’t hesitate to reach out to TheHopeLine if you need help figuring out the next steps.

What Is PTSD?

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental illness that results when one or more traumatic experiences cause lasting damage to the brain. When a destabilizing event occurs, the brain becomes predisposed to triggers that can alert the mind to go into a trauma response, whether or not the situation actually calls for fight, flight, freeze, or fawn actions in order to survive. While many recognize PTSD as a result of experiencing more violent events, such as armed combat or criminal activity, studies have shown that PTSD can occur after emotional abuse during childhood or adulthood. As for many mental illnesses, there isn’t exactly a “cure” for PTSD, but there is still hope for those who are experiencing symptoms! The first step is recognizing the problem and seeking a professional diagnosis. If you’re concerned about PTSD, keep an eye out for the following symptoms:

• Intrusive memories, such as flashbacks or vivid nightmares that depict the traumatic event.
• Avoidance of people or places that remind you of the traumatic event.
• Negative changes in thinking or mood, such as feeling detached from relationships, lack of interest in activities that used to bring you joy, or feeling hopeless about the future.
• Changes in physical and emotional reactions, such as being easily startled or frightened (hypervigilance), difficulty concentrating and sleeping, destructive behaviors, and overwhelming guilt or shame.

How Can You Treat and Heal From PTSD?

If those symptoms resonate with you, it’s time to seek professional counseling and consider whether an official diagnosis of PTSD or another mental illness could help you move forward and heal. While there are still a lot of negative stigmas out there surrounding mental illness, it’s so important to remember that there is nothing wrong with you struggling mentally and emotionally. Your brain has developed certain coping mechanisms to help you survive situations of extreme stress, which is, quite frankly, impressively resilient! But now that you’re (hopefully) no longer in the environment that calls for survival mode, it’s time to re-teach your brain strategies for how to respond healthily to a world with significantly fewer threats than the one it’s used to.

A professional will most likely recommend talk therapy, because there’s nothing quite like naming the trauma you’ve experienced when it comes to stripping the past of its power to control your brain. The more you can become aware of your triggers, your responses, and your symptoms, the more you can take control of your PTSD. A professional may also recommend medication to help your brain and body manage the extreme chemical reactions that occur in the brain when fight and flight mode are activated. While it’s not always necessary to take medicine to heal from PTSD, it may be a helpful, temporary aid in your recovery process.

It’s important to remember, however, that PTSD is not a disease with a “cure.” No matter how long you work toward recovery, you may still struggle with symptoms from time to time, which is why establishing a supportive community is a crucial element of any healing journey. In addition to working with a professional counselor, find a mental health support group, join a warm and welcoming church body, or confide in trusted friends. Set yourself up to have somewhere or someone to turn to on those “bad days” when your symptoms flare up, so that you don’t have to feel alone on top of feeling hypervigilant. Everyone’s healing process is different, and you deserve to go at exactly the pace you need.

As always, you can send a message to someone at TheHopeLine anytime, and we’ll be here to remind you that you are, in fact, never alone. God loves you more than you can imagine, especially in those moments when you find it difficult to love yourself or see any light at the end of the tunnel. When you’re stuck in a moment of darkness, know that He is holding onto the light for you, even when you can’t see it.

If you were assaulted, you can get help. TheHopeLine can connect you to support for abuse victims to help you with reporting and healing.

How to Handle Parents Fighting

Stress and Parents Fighting 

Times are tough for everyone, especially parents. Stress has put extra pressure on their responsibilities to care for you and communicate with each other, so if they’re fighting more than usual… that’s not abnormal! No matter the reason, though, when your parents fight, you’re left to deal with that stress. Whether you’re used to family tension or not, it can be tough to know how to deal with parents fighting. So, then what can you do? First, let’s look at why parents fight.

Their “Why”

Why are your parents fighting? Guess what: it’s not your job to know that. Whether they act like it or not, they are fully grown adults who are responsible for their relationship and communication with each other. The “why” only matters between them, and they’ll need to figure that out in order to make a healthy decision about moving forward. Sure, you might already know the “why” because you know your parents, but as far as you are concerned… all that matters is that they are fighting. As parents, they are responsible for creating and maintaining a healthy home in which their child can grow and feel safe. The fact that you’ve noticed (and presumably researched) the issue means it is already impacting your sense of stability.

Your “Why”

What’s the big deal? All parents fight, right? Yes, a parental disagreement is bound to come up now and then, but if the fighting is frequent and in front of the kids? Actually, there are some pretty huge impacts that parental tension can have on a child’s life--and not just if the fights are getting physical. Sometimes the exact opposite of lashing out physically--when one parent “freezes out” the other or gives the silent treatment after a disagreement--can be just as psychologically damaging to their kids as witnessing more “obvious” forms of abuse. Even if your parents are trying their best to hide their fights from you, you can still feel the tension. From mental health concerns like anxiety and depression, to behavioral issues or even decreased cognitive performance, the long-term effects of parents fighting can be devastating for a child of any age. You deserve a warm, open, honest, and healthy environment. So, what can you do when your parents are fighting?

Talk To Them, Not Like Them

Sit your parents down, preferably in person, and ask them to listen to you for a few minutes without interrupting. If you regularly have dinner together as a family, bring it up when you’re gathered around the table. If they’re divorced or separated, ask them if you can have a family meeting. If they truly can’t or won’t meet with you together, you can sit them down separately. The important thing is that you need a moment to share your experience with your parents. Do your best to remain calm and loving. Try not to fall into the same traps they fall into during their fights, but also… you’re the child, so it’s okay if you get overwhelmed or emotional. This is important stuff!

State your case. Let them know, as kindly and patiently as you can, that the tension between them has begun to impact your life. If they’re yelling so loud that it wakes you up at night, tell them. If you’ve noticed that they never speak to each other anymore, even when they’re in the same room, tell them. If you hate going places with them in the car because they always argue about driving, tell them. Most importantly, let them know how those things make you feel: too tired for school or work because you’re losing sleep, unsafe in your home or car because they’re paying more attention to their fight than they are to the road, afraid to make one of them mad because they might give you the silent treatment, etc. Explain your experience to them. Tell them you need a change. Ask them to find some help, couples counseling or family therapy.

No matter how well (or poorly!) you communicate your feelings to them, your parents will probably not like hearing about their failures. Hopefully they respond with compassion, but they may resist or deny what you’re saying to them. Don’t get caught up in that, and definitely don’t get caught in the middle of their “why.” If they start arguing right there in front of you, don’t engage. Do not take sides. It is not your job to be the referee of their disagreement… that’s their job. You need to set a clear boundary that YOU are not the one they’re fighting with. Ask them to hear you and to take a few days to think about what actions they can take to make the family environment a better one.

Set Boundaries with Parents

Protect yourself. If your parents are in denial that there’s a problem, or if they refuse to seek help or go to counseling, the fighting might continue. In that case, there are a few boundaries you can set to mitigate the impact their fighting has on you. Find ways to remove yourself from the situation if they begin to fight and be clear with them about your plan to do so.

Tell them, “If you can’t stop fighting with each other in the car, I’m going to drive separately or get a ride from a friend from now on.” Ask someone you trust to be your go-to person when the parents fight at home. Tell them (and let your parents know) that when a fight erupts, you are going to call or text saying, “My parents are fighting again. I’m on my way over to your house.” You are allowed to remove yourself from a toxic situation, and it is reasonable to inform your parents that when they fight, you will leave the house unless they clear it up healthily.

This can feel tricky, because of course your parents do have some authority over you. Approach each boundary you set with respect, and if they disapprove of your plans, ask for a compromise. If they won’t allow you to go to a friend or family member’s house, maybe you can ask to be excused from family dinners or request that only one of them at a time attends your extracurricular events until there’s been healing. If they continue to disallow you to set boundaries that protect you, or if they disrespect the ones, you’ve agreed upon, reach out to another trustworthy adult or counselor for support. It’s okay to ask for help.

Truths To Remember

• Be careful that you’re not reading this article with the thought in mind that “this is how I will get my parents to stop fighting.” The hard truth is that you can’t make them stop. And you can’t control how they choose to go about their healing. Just like their “why,” whether they can commit to healing is between them, and if you put that pressure on yourself, you’re shouldering a responsibility that does not belong to you. The last thing you want to do is start blaming yourself when your parents fight because you think you could’ve stopped it. Listen close: it is never your fault when your parents fight. Even if their fights seem to be about you or your siblings, the root issue is their communication. It’s never you.
• You are not alone. It can feel incredibly isolating when the people who are supposed to be your biggest source of guidance and support are not providing that. Find another responsible adult in your life, an aunt, a teacher, a coach, a counselor, and ask them for help. Your well-being is incredibly important, and there are so many people ready and willing to offer you a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. Just because your parents may not be handling their stress in a healthy way doesn’t mean you have to feel ashamed or hide.
• Of course, if you’ve witnessed your parents physically abusing one another, you need to tell another responsible adult in your life or report it to the authorities yourself. When physical violence enters into the equation, safety is the number one concern, and it’s clear that your parents need outside help and support.

Hope For the Future

This is hard stuff. No matter how much we love our parents, or how much they love each other, family tension happens. The good news is that healing happens too. You can’t control whether or not your parents heal, but you can take care of your healing. You weren’t fearfully and wonderfully made just to suffer… Jesus wants to see you thrive. Seek out support. Tend to your own mental health as much as you can. Rest in the truth that your parents’ tension is not your fault and know that you are not destined to be just like them. You have the freedom to do it differently.

If you are dealing with anxiety or depression, please know that you are not weak, and there is hope. Here is a resource that will help you gain a greater understanding about God’s love for you and His ability to care for you… and as always HopeCoaches are available 24/7 if you need to chat.

My Story Battling Suicide

A Nobody That Deserved to Die

Death is what I desired as I thought it was the only solution. The voices in my head were too much. It broke my heart into pieces and my soul was engulfed with sorrow. I felt worthless, I thought that I was a nobody and deserved to die, I felt like I was an accident and let everyone down, mostly my parents.

I grew up in a Christian family and the environment was not hostile. I draw my emotional pain from preschool where my classmates thought that vitiligo was contagious, and no one wanted to associate with me apart from one girl named Nora.

Pills and Self-Harm to Numb the Pain

Growing up with this skin condition was taunting and it broke me. It contributed to the suicidal thoughts. Every time I broke something by accident or didn’t do something well the suicidal thoughts would flood into my mind. I would hit my head on the wall countless times as the thoughts swam into my mind.  Sometimes I would take some medicine that my mom would leave in the cabinet, and I would feel a sense of false relief. Eventually my mom discovered that I was doing this and hid the medicines.

As years went my grades suffered and the enemy kept on repeating the same old lies and I kept on believing them. I shifted my energy to my studies when I was in high school to numb the pain. But every time something embarrassing happened, I would find myself with the same spiraling thoughts. At school I was happy, but I cried myself to sleep and would take some Piriton (a sedating antihistamine) in large quantities to sleep. It eventually became the norm and when I had the money, I would buy them.

After high school, I started cutting my right arm. I would take a knife or broken mirror to cut my hand until blood came out. Again, a false sense of security filled my heart every time I would cut my arm. Honestly, I didn’t want to die. I wanted the pain to end. It hurt when people questioned why my face had small white dots. I know they asked out of curiosity, but it pierced my heart. I recall being called a leopard because of the white dots as I tried to defend my little sister in elementary school. In my early twenties, someone accused me of using beauty products that failed me when I went to the bank to inquire.

I Blamed God

To me, nothing good could come out, so I thought. Bitterness grew in my heart as I even blamed God for my skin condition and drew further and further from Him.

My mother continuously prayed for me in secret and encouraged me since I was a child, however, I wasn’t paying attention to her advice. The enemy would replay the times I was made fun of and when my classmates talked behind my back. After almost being introduced to the dark kingdom, I changed my mind and I backed out.

Then God Helped Me

I started drawing closer to God, as I had enough of the emotional pain. As I drew closer to God, I started speaking positivity into my life. I would look at the mirror and say, “I am so beautiful". Of course, the enemy kept on bringing the suicidal thoughts, especially when I was spiritually weak. I thank God for my praying mother and my financial accounting teacher in college, who always started her classes with prayers and words of encouragement.

It wasn’t an easy battle, but God carried me through it. I had put so many chains upon my life with a negative confession, but the Lord redeemed me. I am glad to be close to God. He healed the emotional trauma I have carried all of my life.

Life in Christ is worth living and I believe that one day the Lord will make all things beautiful.

In Christ, we can overcome. For death could not hold Him.

God has got your back. Trust him with everything for he knows what is best. The Lord heals and restores. He loves us (John 3:16) tells us so.

Cynthia Obukoosia
If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

How to Handle PTSD

What Happens When PTSD Is Triggered?

It was over a year ago, but it still feels like yesterday. My whole world came crashing down. I thought I had already hit rock bottom 3 years before, so how could things get worse?

This was such an unexpected curveball...my husband announced he wanted a divorce!

I cannot describe the intense pain of being abandoned by the person I loved and who vowed to be by my side for better or worse, in sickness and health... My hopes, my dreams, and my plans for the future — everything changed in a moment.

I was already in crisis mode, still reeling from the consequences of the abuse I suffered as a child. Now, going through a divorce brought back a flood of memories I thought I had forgotten.

Abuse and Abandoned as a Child

I am very familiar with the grief that comes with betrayal, rejection, and loss. As a child, I had to deal with extreme violence, poverty, drugs, and the unpredictable, inappropriate, and crazy behaviors of the intoxicated “responsible” adults in my life. I was abandoned by my mother, beaten and neglected by my father, deprived of basic needs, and I suffered all kinds of abuse at the hands of my stepmother. Moving two to three times a year, I grew up longing for a “home”, a family, and at least one person who truly cared about me. Stability and security were foreign concepts to me. Yet, I beat the odds and survived. Unfortunately, the cost of that survival was high, and only truly revealed itself to me later in life.

I built a fortress, never allowing anyone in … or letting anything out.

Diagnosed with PTSD

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I went on medical leave because anxiety, nightmares, and flashbacks were interfering with my daily activities. I was throwing up several times a day and having panic attacks. My hyperactive mind kept racing all the time. My anger was sometimes out of control and would turn into rage, impulsivity and self-destructive behaviors. I also thought that being strong meant avoiding the need to express my emotions! And so, I ignored my feelings and pretended to be okay. I isolated myself and lived inside my head. I built a fortress, never allowing anyone in ... or letting anything out.

Disconnected from reality, I thought nobody cared about me...so I didn't care about myself either. Loneliness, despair, and hopelessness became my closest friends. Suicidal thoughts filled my mind. And yet, I didn't want to die! I just needed a break from the pain, from the crazy, never-ending roller coaster ride of life.

How I choose to deal with it matters.

Trust Issues

Fortunately, my doctor put me on medication and strongly suggested I see a therapist. With my trust issues, reaching out to someone seemed impossible. Yet, I took a risk. Disregarding my feelings, I reluctantly complied with the doctor's suggestion, not knowing that this decision would be a major positive turning point in my life.
It took me a little while to establish trust and open up to my therapist. But when I did, I started seeing some positive change in my life. I finally gave myself permission to feel, process, and express my thoughts and emotions.
Obviously, it didn't happen overnight. I had to be willing to receive help, take some risks, work hard, and do my “homework”. It was the beginning of a transformative healing journey.

Mental Illness Is Nothing to Be Ashamed Of

I have realized that living with a mental illness is not something I should be ashamed of. PTSD doesn't define who I am. It's how I choose to deal with it that matters. It took a few decades and a couple of years of therapy to understand that I am not alone and that it's okay to ask for help.

Therapy was significant and beneficial. Nevertheless, it is a limited relationship. What really made a huge difference for me was opening up to a friend...someone who had a bit more life experience and wisdom than I did. And I am so privileged to have such a friend.

Shortly after hearing about the divorce, this compassionate friend kindly reached out to me. I immediately broke down and shared what was happening. This amazing lady has always been such a positive influence in my life, a wonderful role model, a mentor, a caring, reliable friend. So talking to her encouraged and comforted me a lot. To this day, I am still overwhelmed by her generosity, kindness, and willingness to spend time with me.

We still speak over the phone several times a week — and it makes a difference! Just knowing someone cares enough about me to do this gives me hope and reminds me that I matter. My friend helps me see things from a different perspective. I would not be where I am today without her support or the support of my therapist, friends, and community.

How To Manage PTSD

I am constantly learning new ways to manage my PTSD and not let it control me. It is a daily battle. The scars will always be there, but they also remind me how strong I am and how far I've come. I have been through so much, yet I have gained so much in the process.

My life has been filled with family drama, horror stories, and painful memories, but I have developed resourcefulness, strength, character, resilience, confidence, perseverance, courage, determination, and other life skills. I still have a long way to go, but one thing I know for sure is that I am not alone. I have resources and my life matters.

Can you relate to Julie's story? If you are suffering from PTSD, know you do not have to go through it alone. It really helps to talk about what you're going through. Chat with a Hope Coach to talk about what is going on in your life. A HopeCoach will listen and help you cope with your feelings of anxiety and PTSD flashbacks.

Used with permission of Power to Change. Originally published at issuesiface.com.

How to Handle Self-Hate

What if Self-Hate Leads to Substance Abuse?

If you have feelings of self-hatred, the first question you need to ask yourself is why. Self-hatred can come from a number of sources, from your circumstances to your behavior to your mental health. Maybe all at once! Regardless of the source, it’s incredibly common for a person struggling with self-hatred to turn to substance abuse for a sense of comfort, relief, or even control. If your self-hating tendencies have led you to substance abuse of any kind, please don’t be ashamed. You’re not alone, and there are ways of understanding your dependence and learning to cope in ways that aren’t destructive.

What Is Self-Hatred?

Self-hatred, or self-loathing, is the feeling of intensely disliking one’s self, or not feeling deserving of love, care, health, attention, or other good things. While it’s not a mental health condition on its own, it’s often a leading symptom of other mental health problems, like depression, which is one reason why it is so often accompanied by struggles with substance abuse. If you are struggling with self-hatred, it’s a good idea to talk to a counselor or mental health professional. If you’re diagnosed with a mental health condition and a substance abuse condition, this is often called “dual diagnosis.” Knowing exactly what problems you’re trying to address will be key in determining your treatment and recovery.

That said, struggling with substance abuse isn’t a guarantee that you will be diagnosed with a mental illness. There are a number of other reasons you could be turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Studies show that stress at school or at home, poor access to affordable healthcare, lack of a healthy support system, and even the increased amount of isolation are factors that can influence you to resort to destructive behaviors. Your next challenge will be to figure out the severity of your substance abuse and how you want to pursue treatment.

Treatment Options

You’ve already taken an important step by typing whatever you typed into your web browser that led you to this article. And the fact that you’ve read (or just scrolled) this far, is another great sign that you’re open to getting better. A doable next step would be to take this moment to reach out to TheHopeLine through one of our email mentors or HopeCoaches. They’ll happily talk to you about how you’re feeling and walk you through this tough moment until you can identify more permanent solutions.

A good place to start once you’ve spoken to a HopeCoach is to find a permanent counselor and a support group in your area. You’re probably familiar with 12-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. We even partner with a wonderful 12-step group called Celebrate Recovery. Depending on the severity of your abuse, a local meeting near you could be an excellent place to start. But how do you judge the severity of your substance abuse problem? There are a few indicators that can help you determine the severity, but you should make sure to seek professional advice to confirm.

Your substance abuse may be severe and or may have reached the point of a disorder if your use of alcohol or drugs are causing you to:

• Find yourself in physically dangerous situations
• Get into physical altercations
• Have accidents
• Have legal problems
• Experience a decline in attendance or performance at school, work, or home
• Experience a change in appetite or sleep cycle
• Experience mood swings
• Exhibit anger, irritability, hyperactivity, agitation, or emotional outbursts
• Have a lack of motivation
• Feel paranoia or fearfulness
• Have a sudden weight gain or weight loss
• Exhibit a decline in physical appearance and or personal hygiene
• Have tremors
• Experience impaired physical coordination
• Have money or financial problems

If more than a couple of items on the above list sound familiar, your misuse of substances has likely become destructive and abusive, and it is time to seek the help you started looking for when you opened the link to this article. Talk to a trusted adult in your life, seek counseling and support in your community, and don’t give up hope. From finding a mentor to enrolling in a rehabilitation program, there are multiple avenues for you to pursue a healthier standard of living.

Recovery and Self-Love

If your abuse of substances is rooted in self-hatred, an important part of your recovery will be learning to love yourself. Sorry if that sounds cheesy, but it’s true! Developing self-love, self-worth, self-esteem, etc. is crucial to a) getting your mental health back under control and b) maintaining your mental health when you’re tempted to reach for your old coping mechanisms.

It may sound simple, but some of the best ways to care for your mental health are by caring for your physical health. Your brain is a physical organ, and when your body lacks the resources it needs to supply healthy brain function, you may find it more difficult to cope without using substances. Get plenty of sleep and exercise. Make sure you’re staying hydrated and eating healthily. Be careful about how much screen time you’re getting, and make sure not to completely isolate yourself from other people. You deserve to be well provided for, and these basic care tasks can be a powerful way of reinforcing our own value to ourselves.

At the risk of sounding cheesy again, one of our favorite ways of learning to love and accept ourselves is by studying and reflecting on just how much we are already loved by Jesus. His love covers everything you may hate about yourself, including your substance abuse, to the point that when He looks at you, all He sees is His Father’s divine creation... not an addict, not a substance abuser, not a victim of poor mental health… He sees you for everything that is inherently wonderful within. Clinging to the image of you that Jesus sees can be a sweet relief in times when we are struggling to love ourselves. If you’re looking to grow in self-love, don’t hesitate to reach out to TheHopeLine today.

Many people struggle with this negative thought, "I hate myself." Here are 5 things to think and do when you hate yourself.