For many of us, the holidays are a tough time of year. Whether it’s seasonal depression, spending more or less time with family members, or an uptick in social events to attend, there are a lot of challenges during this “most wonderful time of the year.” One of the biggest strains is the one on our wallets.

Stress and Buying Christmas Gifts

Between all the travel, potlucks, and gift-giving, it’s extremely difficult to keep up with the financial requirements of having a happy holiday, and for those of us who can barely afford a peppermint hot chocolate, anxiety and depression might creep in when we start to wonder how in the world, we’re going to buy gifts for everyone we love.

Finances in general can have a huge impact on our mental health, so if the thought of buying Christmas gifts is tying your stomach up in knots, you’re not alone! And we all cope in different ways. Some people can’t stand the idea of not being able to give gifts, so they go into credit card debt, believing that Christmas cheer has to cost money. Others pick up extra shifts at work or even take on a seasonal job in hopes of affording their gift-giving plans. It’s okay that this season is so important to us, but you don’t necessarily have to make imprudent financial decisions or work your tail off in order to participate in the fun. There are plenty of ways you show your loved ones you appreciate them without causing too much stress on your wallet.

Quality vs. Quantity

The entire point of giving Christmas presents is to express love, gratitude, and appreciation to your loved ones for being in your life! Right? So, if you’re stressing out about how many gifts you’ve gotten for someone or how inexpensive the gifts are, you may be losing sight of the spirit behind this tradition. This can be especially hard in family or friend groups that have an established tendency toward being extravagant. Maybe your BFF’s parents helped her buy amazing $50 phone cases for everyone in your friend group last year, and you can’t possibly afford something like that. Or perhaps you grew up with a mom who stuffed so many gifts under the tree that they spilled out into the rest of the house, but you’ll be lucky if you can afford one gift per person on your list. Take a deep breath and focus again on the reason you want to give gifts. You don’t have to compete with anyone else’s gifting habits. You just want to find ways to put a smile on the faces of your favorite people, and that can be done without going overboard.

Budget-Friendly Gift Ideas

When it comes to gift-giving, it’s the thought that counts. That may sound like a cliché, but it’s actually science. So the price doesn’t really matter! For low-cost items, try shopping at a dollar store or thrift store and look for small trinkets or items that come in packs. You could give everyone in your life a $1-5 knick-knack that made you think of them, or you could purchase a $6 package of candles and give them out individually to 6 different friends! There are plenty of ways to get creative and make your friends and family feel blessed.

Gift Ideas Under $10

• Cards. You can buy a package of holiday-themed cards at the store, or you could pick up some nice paper and make them yourself. You’ll spend just a few dollars on the materials and end up with a personalized and thoughtful gift for each recipient at a fraction of that price.
• Coffee Date. Invite your sister on a “Christmas Coffee Date.” The price of the gift will be the price of her latte, and the date will be some quality time for the two of you to bond. 
• Homemade “Coupons.” Think of inexpensive activities or chores you can do around the house and write them out on pieces of paper. Gift the coupons to friends and family, and tell them they can “cash” the coupons in whenever they like. This may cost you a few dollars if you give them a coupon for an ice cream cone, but it could be free if you choose!
• Crafts. The internet is full of DIY gift ideas. From making body scrubs and bath salts, to knitting potholders and painting picture frames, you could end up with amazing gifts for the price of a few materials from the store.
• Hot chocolate jars. Get some jars or other unused containers you have laying around your house, but make sure they have lids. Pick up all the ingredients for a great cup of hot chocolate at the store, and put those in the jars. Give out these jars to friends and family with little tags that say, “Just add milk.”
• Photos. Very few of us print our photos anymore, but you’d be surprised how inexpensive it can be. Go through your Instagram and phone for great shots of your loved ones, then send them off to be developed and printed at the nearest CVS or Walgreens. This will only cost you a few cents per picture, and people will LOVE receiving them.

FREE Gift Ideas

There are even ways to celebrate Christmas without spending any money at all. Consider choosing gifts that have no monetary value while still bringing plenty of joy to whoever receives them.

• The gift of your time. Tell your pal that their gift is a movie night or a photoshoot. You have access to free movies via whatever streaming services you already use, and you can use your phone as a camera. The real cost to you here will just be whatever time you spend watching a movie or playing photographer for your friend. Make it fun! This will be way more memorable than an expensive gadget wrapped in fancy paper.
• Gift something you already have. There used to be a weird stigma about “regifting” something you already own, but passing something special down to a friend or sibling can actually be a very sweet gesture. Do you have a sweater that your mom always compliments? Think about giving her that sweater. It will make her think of you every time she wears it. 
• Community events. Local organizations like churches, nonprofits, and townships often put on festivals, light shows, or concerts that are absolutely free to attend. Invite someone to go with you to one of these! It’ll be a fun afternoon or evening and won’t cost a thing.
• Volunteering. If you have access to the internet required to read this article, it’s likely that you’re in a much better place financially than someone else this holiday season. You can save the money you would have spent on expensive presents and give something far more valuable to those in need by inviting friends or family to volunteer with you at a hospital,  shelter, or food bank. Often volunteering at this time of year is great fun, full of music and laughter, so you could end up with incredible memories and know that you’re making a difference.

The Most Important Gift

Hopefully you’re feeling less pressured to spend money you don’t have on gifts and remembering that the ultimate goal is to convey your love for others in some way. If you’re still struggling to connect with that part of Christmas, it helps us at TheHopeLine to focus on the gift of Christ’s birth. There was nothing fancy or expensive about Jesus’ first night on Earth. He was born in a stable and laid in a manger! Surrounded by animals and working-class shepherds, Mary and Joseph welcomed their son into the world, and we got a story that we’d celebrate for thousands of years to come. If a manger was good enough for the King of Kings, a humble present given from your heart will be good enough for your loved ones. So rest easy, don’t be so hard on yourself, and reach out to TheHopeLine if the stress of the holidays is still creating anxiety for you.

We love being with family, giving and receiving gifts, but the real meaning of Christmas goes deeper. So, what is the real meaning of Christmas? Find out here. 

-Cara Beth

If you’re struggling with self-harm, you’ve probably done a little bit of research already. You may even have read one of our other blog posts about self-harm, depression, anxiety, or addiction. Almost anywhere you can read about self-harm on the internet, you’re guaranteed to read the words “get help.” But it’s not that simple, is it? To get help, you have to talk to someone. To talk to someone, you have to know what to say. And this is one of those private, sensitive things that can be VERY difficult to put into words.

Or maybe you’ve told a friend, a counselor, or a teacher who’s now encouraging you to tell the people who need to know the most: your parents. But they are going to be the hardest people to tell, for many reasons! It’s even harder to know what to say when you’re worried about how they’ll react and what questions they might ask. Whether you’re close with your parents or not, it’s important to talk to them about your self-harm because, especially if you’re under 18, they can be an incredible resource to you as you try to heal. Let’s break down a few things you can say to them so that you don’t have to walk into this important conversation unprepared.

How to Bring Self-Harm Up with Your Parents

It makes perfect sense if you don’t quite know how to start this conversation. First, try to give them some warning. This is not something you want to blurt out in the middle of dinner at Applebee’s. Both for your sake and for theirs, give them a chance to prepare themselves for an important conversation. How can you do that? Trying saying one of these things:

• “Mom/Dad, could we spend some time together later today/this week? I have something big I want to talk to you about.”
• “When you get home from work, can we talk for a bit? I need to tell you something important.”
• “Can we spend some time together later without our phones/computers/TV? I need your attention to talk about something big.”

Don’t be surprised if this freaks your parents out a little bit. Some parents might even try to push you to tell them what’s going on immediately, rather than waiting for the set time you’ve asked for. Understand that their sense of urgency just comes out of concern for you because they want to help you as soon as possible, and respond with something like this:

• “Sorry if that freaks you out, but I really need you to wait until I’m ready to talk about it. Can we talk later?”
• “If you keep pushing me to talk about it now, I’m going to lose the nerve to talk about it all. Let’s talk later like I asked.”
• “Thank you for being worried about me, but it’s really important to me that we talk about it later, when we’re both prepared. Can we set aside a specific time like I asked?”

Sometimes our parents know us better than we’d like to admit, and it may happen that they confront you about your cutting before you’re ready to talk to them about it. If they come to you and bring up the subject, here are a few things you can say:

• “Thank you for your concern. I get how this would make you worried. I’m not ready to talk about it. Can you give me a few days? Let’s set aside some time this weekend to talk.”
• “Please don’t force me to talk about this before I’m ready. I need your support right now, but this is really sensitive and private. Can you give me some time? I will come to you when I am ready.”

Now that you’ve let them know you need to have a tough conversation with them, it’s time to determine how you’re going to tell them.

Explaining the Situation

Cutting, and other forms of self-harm, are scary, especially to parents. There are a lot of misconceptions about cutters, namely that they are trying to commit suicide. If you are self-harming and suicidal, that’s an urgent matter that you should let your parents know immediately. Here’s how to tell them that:

• “I’ve been hurting myself, but the bigger problem is that I think I’m suicidal. I need your help and support.”
• “I’m really not okay. You need to know that I’ve been suicidal, and sometimes I hurt myself on purpose. Can we talk about getting me some help?”

If you’re reading this article and considering how to talk to your parents, you probably do want their help, but it’s perfectly normal to be afraid that sharing your self-harm or suicidality experiences with a parent or other adult may result in them trying to send you to the dreaded “psych ward,” but if that fear is holding you back from communicating your needs, it’s important to know that you don’t necessarily have to do inpatient treatment for self-harm or suicidal thoughts. For the most part, though, people who self-harm are not trying to kill themselves, and that will likely be an important piece of information to give your parents so that you can try to assure them that you are asking for outpatient help. Try introducing them to the basics of self-harm, then go into the specifics of how and when you engage in it. Try to remain calm, and feel free to use these words and fill in the blanks with the details that are true for you:

• “I’m not sure how much you know about self-harm, but it’s a prevalent issue among people my age. In fact, one in five females and one in seven males engage in self-harm. I am one of those people.”
• “The reason self-harm is so addictive is that it provides a temporary high. It triggers your body’s chemistry and causes reactions in the brain that cover up real physical pain. And self-harm causes real physical pain.” 
• “I self-harm by [burning, cutting, biting, stabbing, etc.] and usually I do it [in the bathroom at home/school, in my room, in the car, etc.] [in the middle of the night, on my lunch break, first thing in the morning, etc.]”
• “I do it because [I’m so overwhelmed with my feelings, I feel empty, it helps me get rid of pain and stress, I’m punishing myself for something, etc.]”
• “I don’t know why I do it, but I can’t seem to stop.”
• “Self-harming makes me feel better. It makes the painful feelings disappear. The physical pain takes my mind off of any emotional pain I’m dealing with.”

Now take a deep breath. You’ve told them. It’s no longer a secret, and whatever their reaction is, you’ve made the first step toward recovery. You can either use this as a jumping-off point for sharing your struggle with others in your support circle, or you can rely on your parents to help you find treatment and healing.

Answering Their Questions

Sorry to tell you this part, but there’s almost no way you’re getting out of this conversation without your parents asking a few (or a million) questions. Be patient with them and with yourself. Even though these questions may feel invasive, remember that a parent who is asking questions is like a parent who cares. If you’re not ready to answer certain questions, you can always say something like this:

• “I’m really not comfortable sharing that with you. Maybe I will someday, but for now, I’d rather talk about something else.”
• “These questions are overwhelming me. I’ve already opened up to you in a big way. I’m not ready to open up about that.”
• “Could we find a counselor for me to talk to? I’m not feeling comfortable answering these questions with you yet, but I get why you’re asking them.”
• “If you have questions, can you please do some research? I’m really not ready to talk about this in detail yet.”

If you are okay with answering a few questions, it’s good to be prepared for what those questions might be. They may ask to see your scars or wounds from recent self-harm. They may ask what implements you use, when this all started, who else knows about it, why you do it, if something happened to you or if you’ve been abused, etc. It’s probably best to just answer these questions calmly and as a matter of fact. The more information your parents have, the better they can determine what kind of help they need to provide you. If they are still struggling to process the situation and understand what you are going through, encourage them to do some research of their own. You can offer them this resource as a starting point.

Asking For What You Need

The whole point of sharing this intimate information with your parents is to get your self-harm out in the open and take steps toward healing. Your parents should, and most likely will, want to do whatever they can to help you stop hurting yourself and recover from the emotional distress that causes you to self-harm in the first place. You deserve to have a voice in the conversation of how your family pursues getting help for you. Before this big conversation ends, make sure you explain to your parents what you need from them now that you’ve told them about your self-harm. There are a few different things you can say:

• “I know self-harm is bad, but I’m not ready to stop yet. I know that’s not a good sign, so I think I need some pretty serious, professional help.”
• “I don’t want to do this anymore, but I need help stopping. Can you take away my blades/lighters/needles? Can you check on me every once in a while, to make sure I haven’t found new ways to hurt myself?”
• “Can you be there for me whenever I have the urge to hurt myself? Can I call you whenever I get the feeling so that I can be distracted and supported until the feeling passes?”
• “Can we go to family counseling to figure out why I do this and how we can fix it?”

These are only a few things you can ask for! Do your research and read up on ways people can go about their journey of healing from self-harm. You’re allowed to be well-educated about this and to ask for specific support you think will help you. Share the resources and research you find with your parents, too! The more you both know about the topic of self-harm, the better you can pursue healing together.

You’re Not Alone

Hopefully, this conversion with your parents will go better than you could have dreamed! Talking to them may be the beginning of healing, but it might also be the beginning of bonding with your parents in a deep, healthy, trusting way. If that’s not the case for you, we are so sorry. Unfortunately, but not uncommonly, our relationship with our parents may be toxic and even one of the reasons we self-harm in the first place. If you’ve tried to talk to them about self-harm, but it went terribly, or if you can’t approach your parents at all, there’s still help for you. Reach out to TheHopeLine today. We are here, and we want to talk to you. We can also connect you with resources who deal with self-harm recovery every day. There will be no judgment, no yelling, no finger-wagging… only support, love, kindness, and understanding. We have so many resources for you to explore, and we believe you are worthy of respect and healing! 

Whether your parents are involved in your recovery or not, I’ll close with a personal story. I was a cutter for about two years during my time as a college undergrad. At the time, I did not feel comfortable sharing that with my parents, and they did not find out about my struggle until after I had begun healing. What helped me stop? An amazing counselor, a good psychiatrist, and some supportive friends, who never made me feel like I was dramatic, silly, or “too much” for needing their accountability and support. They reminded me daily that I was actually the daughter of a King, not the worthless twenty-something my unhealthy brain believed I was. Today I have been free from self-harm for nine years! That can be you too, babe. I promise.

Are you looking for ways to distract yourself from cutting? This checklist gives you 15 ways to resist the urge to self-harm.

When you type “gossip is bad quotes” into your search bar, get ready to be flooded with phrases and sayings that go on and on about how gossip is for fools, stops in the ears of the wise, and brings out the worst in all of us. You may even see the classic “sticks and stones” adage, reminding us that words can do just as much damage as physical harm. On the other hand, if you turn to Netflix, almost every show from Riverdale to Never Have I Ever boasts plot lines that hinge on gossip making or breaking a character’s reputation. They’re even rebooting Gossip Girl, which is a show that, for all its lovely charm, essentially glorifies the practice of spreading rumors and private information. So, what are we supposed to think? Is gossip really that bad, or is it a useful tool? Should we engage in it, or shouldn’t we? Is it every man for himself out there, or should we be more mindful of how we use our words in both public and private settings?

What to Know About Dealing with Gossip?

It Depends on What You Mean by Gossip

The answer to whether or not you should worry about gossip really depends on what kind of gossip you’re talking about. While gossip has the stigma of being bad or mean, some definitions include any instance of talking about a person who is not currently present. That would mean you’re gossiping when you say “she’s at work” when someone asks where your friend is. But that’s just a simple exchange of information, and for that reason, there are arguments that say, “not all gossip is bad.” Some types of gossip are considered to be neutral, or even positive, when the information exchanged is a) true, b) kind, and c) necessary. But true, kind, and necessary are not the words that come immediately to mind when we think about gossip, are they? 

The Slippery Slope of Gossip

Assuming that, for the purposes of this article, our version of gossip is not the nice kind, there are plenty of sources out there that make it clear how harmful it can be. Whether you’re after the thrill of a juicy piece of news because you’re bored or you’re sharing that pic you promised you’d delete, engaging in gossip can be dangerous. Both the victim/subject of the gossip and the person(s) spreading it stands to suffer, even as the internet has found ways to make us feel less likely to get caught.

Downsides to Gossip That Might Surprise You

1. Gossip is actually bad for your health. How? Those involved in gossiping, either as the victim or the aggressor, are at a higher risk of anxiety, depression, and exhaustion. Parties on both sides of the gossip have increased chances of dealing with clinical depression, PTSD, panic attacks, guilt, and even self-harm.

2. Gossiping can wreck your self-image. It’s a matter of integrity. Would you trust someone who talks badly about you and your friends behind your backs? Probably not, and while you may have convinced yourself that it’s different when you do it, you can’t hide from your own actions forever. Deep down you know that spreading private or negative information about people makes you untrustworthy too. Sooner or later, guilt and doubt will creep in, and you’ll wonder whether you can even trust yourself. Is this who you want to be?

3. Gossip creates both false division and false connection. Gossip can be entertaining, and because of that it’s often something we turn to when we’re chatting with our friends. It’s a form of social bonding to sit around and share stories about others, but when those stories are hurtful and met with ridicule, what kind of bonding are you really doing? Gossip creates an “Us vs. Them” mentality, pitting you and the other gossipers against the person you’re talking about. This feels great in the moment, because you have someone on your team. In the end, though, how deep does your friendship really go if it’s based on ridiculing others? How quickly could the tables turn, leaving you on the other side of “Us vs. Them”? Would it be fair to you? Is it, then, fair to the person you’re using to find a connection with friends? Does either the “us” or the “them” in this scenario really exist, or did sharing the gossip just create that idea?

4. Gossiping gives you a false sense of power. It feels cool to know a secret. It sets you apart from the people who don’t have what you have. It makes you feel special. Then, sharing that secret is like telling everyone just how “in the know” you are. It’s thrilling! There’s just one problem: it was never your secret. Sharing it may have gotten your attention, but it didn't give you power. All it did was disempower the person who should’ve had the right to decide whether or not to share the information you spread. On top of that, it showed all your friends that you can’t be trusted. Was that piece of gossip worth the loss of your reputation?

5. Gossiping can be an addiction. Yes! In a world where addictions run rampant, from alcohol to digital, gossiping has joined the list of things research shows we can be addicted to. We all gossip from time to time. It’s in our nature, and none of us are perfect. If, however, you find yourself gossiping constantly, from the moment you wake up and check Facebook to the last text you send your BFF at night, you may have an addiction that requires treatment.

True, Kind, Necessary

I’ll close with a story. When I was in the 8th grade, I was cast in the chorus of the middle school play as a townsperson in Tom Sawyer. It wasn’t a big deal because we were all cast as townspeople… if you auditioned, you got in! But I was proud, and fancied myself an aspiring actress, so I took it very seriously. When a pal of mine was assigned a single line of dialogue during a group scene, I was jealous and began critiquing her work to my closest friend. One day I shared my criticism just a little too loudly, and this pal overheard that I thought I could deliver the line better than she could. She was so upset that our director noticed, and we were given a stern lecture on talking behind each other’s backs. Miss Holly looked me dead in the eye and told me I needed to ask three questions before I spoke from then on: Is what I’m about to say true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? I never got in trouble as a kid, so this incident had a huge impact, and as I’ve grown up, I come back to it over and over again.

I find myself asking these questions every day now, but not just of my own words. When I notice that familiar thrill of entertainment at hearing a juicy piece of news, I’m automatically suspicious. Is this second-hand story true, kind, or necessary? It makes me want to stop and take a breath. We live in a world swimming with lies, rumors, and cruelty, so it’s crucial to cling to what’s true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, and excellent, rather than join in the fray even when gossiping seems like the easiest way to feel better.

 If you’re struggling with an addiction to gossiping, or if you’ve been the victim of gossip, you’re not alone. Reach out to TheHopeLine today, and we’ll connect you with resources that can help you heal from the guilt and shame of gossip.

The danger of gossip is that it steals another person's reputation. When you gossip, you are helping to destroy someone's reputation. Click here for more on the dangers of gossip.

-Cara Beth

Diverse Friend Groups 

Based on 2019’s numbers from the US Census Bureau, about 49% of our country’s population under the age of 16 is white. From there, the numbers reflect that youth in America are about 25% Latinx or Hispanic, 13% Black, and 10% Asian, Alaskan Natives, Native Americans, and other races. So, if you’re looking at your friend group, and you’re not seeing this kind of diversity… it may be time to consider that you’re in a bit of a racial bubble that isn’t reflective of our country’s actual diversity.
 

How to Ensure Your Friend Group Is Diverse

I understand that just because the United States is racially diverse, it doesn’t mean you’re necessarily surrounded by that diversity on a daily basis. Your house, school, church, and workplace may be in an area that’s dominated by only one of these racial groups, and when you’re under 18, you haven’t had a lot of choice in these matters. If you’re interested in prioritizing diversity in your friend group now, it’s likely going to mean intentionally stepping outside of your comfort zone, trying new activities and places, and even involving your parents for support. But it will be worth it! Studies have repeatedly shown that increased diversity is ultimately beneficial to everyone involved because it exposes us to more than one worldview, challenges our innate biases, and teaches us to practice empathy.

Self-reflection and Avoiding Tokenization

Before you start walking up to folks who don’t look like you and saying, “Hey! Wanna be friends?” it’s important to reflect on why you’re interested in diversifying your friend group. The last thing you want to do is tokenize someone of a different race than you are, using them to make yourself look diverse rather than forming a deep, meaningful relationship with them as a person.

Tokenization has been a huge problem in the Diversity and Inclusion world for years, from workplaces to universities. It essentially dehumanizes people of a different ethnicity by using them to represent diversity that’s not actually genuine. If you want a more diverse friend group because you don’t want to be accused of being racist or because you want to look “like a good ally,” you have some internal work to do. As scholar Peggy McIntosh says, doing that internal work “is not about blame, shame, guilt, or whether one is a “nice person.” It’s about observing, realizing, thinking systemically and personally.” You may have a few things to learn or unlearn about how race has shaped your life, and that’s okay! 

Intentionality Within Your Environment

If, however, you’re interested in diversifying your friend group because you don’t think it reflects the diversity in your community, because you feel like everyone in your life has the same background and opinions, or because you simply want some new friends, there are plenty of ways to go about creating opportunities for the organic growth of more diverse friendships. All it takes is a little bit of intention.

First, you need to look at your usual environments. Does diversity exist at your school, church, place of work, or neighborhood? If so, great! Why, then, doesn’t your friend group already reflect that?

Is it because you and all your friends are in film club, and everyone in film club looks the same? Is it because you’re on the basketball team, and everyone on the team is the same race or color? It’s time to start diversifying your activities. You don’t have to quit film club or basketball, but look around you… where is the diversity happening? In the cafeteria? At Starbucks before school starts every morning? In the theatre department or debate team? Consider changing up where you hang out or joining a new club. You may discover a new passion or interest on top of making a new friend or two.

Looking Outside Your Usual Environment

If your typical stomping grounds don’t offer any diversity for you to get involved with, you’re going to have to do some detective work. Research schools, churches, and neighborhood organizations that aren’t predominantly one race. Even better, find organizations with a mission to do exactly what you’re trying to do! Look for organizations like New Hope Academy who are successfully living out their mission of creating diverse spaces, and either ask your parents if you can attend or volunteer to help out. If your family goes to church, ask them to consider changing churches in favor of one that has a more diverse congregation. If you’ve traditionally played a sport for your school’s team, look into transferring to a club team that includes players from multiple neighborhoods. If you’re on track to attend college, pay close attention to which schools you apply to and whether their student & faculty populations reflect the country’s diverse demographics. There are diverse spaces out there, eager to welcome new folks of all kinds, as long as you’re willing to put in the time and effort to find them.

Making Friends Doesn’t Happen Overnight

Once you’ve become more intentional about where and how you spend your time, you’re going to need some patience. You can’t expect to walk away from your first day of a new school, club, or neighborhood with a meaningful relationship. Making friends takes a while! If you’re stumped, think about the things you do with your current friends: grabbing coffee, playing games online, walking around the mall, catching a movie, hosting study parties, supporting each other’s passions, trying out the latest TikTok trendy dance or prank or recipe, hanging around the local beaches and parks, giving each other rides to and from school, etc. Ask someone new to do one of those things and be willing to accept invitations like that too. This is the part where you’ll have to rely on the basics of forming new friendships and realize that not everyone is going to want to be your new friend. You can’t force friendship, but you can put yourself out there, offering kindness and curiosity to the new people you meet.

Most importantly, don’t give up! With time, you’ll form relationships, and with intention, some of those relationships will evolve into awesome friendships. It’s a beautiful goal to want your friend group to reflect the diversity of our world and God’s creation. We’re all created in His image, and that’s something to be celebrated, not overlooked. So be brave, be patient, and go make some new friends! And as usual, if you need someone to talk to about your journey, reach out to TheHopeLine today. We’d love to support you as you pursue new and more diverse friendships.

Friends will enrich your life and be the anchors that keep you grounded when things are rough. Here are 4 steps to help you learn how to make friends. 

-Cara Beth

Cara Beth Heath is a freelance writer and editor based in Chicago, Illinois. She loves words and all the different ways they can come together to illuminate the world for us. All she wants to do is use her God-given word skills to bring light into dark places, and when she’s not doing that, she’s probably wrapped up in a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate watching a movie or playing Dungeons & Dragons… God loves nerds too!

 

What Is Eco-Anxiety?

Do you find yourself worrying about the future of our planet to the point that you’re anxious, losing sleep, or changing your plans about things like school, career and family? If so, you’re not alone! A recent survey shows that 83% of Gen Z are worried about the planet’s health. It’s not just Gen Z, though–millennials without children have even cited the climate crisis as the reason they’ve chosen not to be parents. In fact, many are so worried about the environment that there are a couple of new terms for anxiety about the climate crisis. Let’s talk about “solastalgia” and “eco-anxiety.”

What’s Climate Change Got to Do with It?

We talk a lot about anxiety at TheHopeLine, but what on earth does mental health have to do with climate change? A big factor of eco-anxiety or solastalgia is the sense of helplessness most people report feeling about the climate crisis. We know from research that humans have played a role in the problems that now face us, but a lot of us don’t know how to help. Or we feel that the problem is simply too huge to address. This feeling may be accompanied by a feeling of guilt, since most media places the responsibility on human consumption for both the problem and the solution. That, in combination with helplessness, often results in a sense of dread or impending doom. If you have all those feelings at once, it’s no wonder you have anxiety! A feeling of helplessness is a hallmark symptom of anxiety and depression because it means we feel stuck in our circumstances or unable to make a change in our situation. When everyone from Time Magazine to Bo Burnham is talking about ice caps melting and oceans rising, it’s tough to feel like you have any power to fix such monumental problems.

It’s clear, then, that worries about climate change can impact our mental health from within, but there are now fears amongst scientists that it’s having an external impact on mental health as well. Research has long shown that crime rates and suicide rates increase during heat waves, and now there are concerns that with the general increase in temperatures across the West, there may also be a general increase in irritability, depression and anxiety. Higher temperatures can result in higher cortisol levels, which is our stress hormone, so as long as heat is on the rise, our collective mental health may also take a blow. So the mental health crisis and the climate crisis seem to be linked for better or for worse!

The Good/Bad News

Now that we’ve covered how the climate crisis can impact mental health, here’s some news that’s both good and bad, depending on how you look at it: Anxiety is anxiety. There’s nothing particularly new or special about the symptoms of eco-anxiety. No matter where it comes from, it’s still, at the end of the day, under the anxiety umbrella. The bad news? With overwhelming media coverage and increasing pressure from our peers and leaders to take action, it’s looking like the root causes of solastalgia aren’t going anywhere. The good news? Anxiety is a problem we’ve dealt with before, and there are so many ways you can ease your symptoms while also confronting the heart of the matter. 

Tips for Decreasing Anxiety Symptoms

First, let’s get those symptoms under control. If you’re experiencing anxiety symptoms right now, like excessive worry, feelings of helplessness, shortness of breath or heart palpitations, you need to practice some grounding techniques. Many of these focus on engaging the five senses in order to bring your focus back to the present moment rather than falling into a negative thought spiral about the future. From deep breathing and meditation to dancing and tapping, there are a lot of really good ways to get grounded. Once you’re feeling more settled in the present moment, try connecting with nature. All this talk of climate change can sometimes make us feel like there’s no hope. On the contrary, there’s so much beauty left on our planet, and you deserve to get out there and enjoy it. Whether you live in a crowded city or the middle of nowhere, go for a stroll today. As you do, observe the sky, the water, the plants, the birds and the bees, etc. This may sound cheesy, but every time you notice something that counts as “nature,” whisper “thank you.” Taking a moment to express gratitude for what we have in the present, rather than worrying about what we might lose, can be incredibly uplifting and help you to feel less hopeless about climate change.

If you’re still feeling anxious after both grounding and gratitude practices, it may be a good idea to reach out to a friend or trusted adult to talk about your anxiety. You could even reach out to us at TheHopeLine or talk to a school counselor about getting connected to a mental health professional to discuss more long-term solutions for combating anxiety. There’s absolutely no reason you have to manage these symptoms on your own. We’ve got your back, and there are numerous resources out there ready to support you in your mental health journey.

Lastly, don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way! Remember that you are not, by any means, the only person whose concern for the planet’s health is impacting their mental health. Beyond that, you are certainly not the only person impacted by anxiety! It’s natural to worry about life’s challenges, and many of us need help processing those feelings in a healthy way. With the tools you now have at your disposal, you can practice grounding, gratitude, and relying on trustworthy support to maintain a healthier baseline moving forward.

Action as an Antidote

Addressing those symptoms is an important first step for easing eco-anxiety! But you may feel the need to take it a step further and confront the root problem: that feeling of utter helplessness in the face of the climate crisis. What’s one person supposed to do about a global issue? Fortunately, in this case, that feeling of helplessness is just a feeling, not a fact. There are many ways we can do our part to confront the problem and taking action may just be what you need to quell that anxiety and feel more hopeful about the future–a classic two birds, one stone scenario! In addition to the above tips for combating your anxiety symptoms, the following ideas for helping take care of your planet and community can also help to address eco-anxiety/solastalgia:

• Assess yourself! Check out this quiz to see if there are ways you could cut down on waste and do what you can to limit pollution.
• Recycling, composting, and waste reduction. These are things you can do on your own, or with your family and friends. Check out what kind of programs your school or neighborhood may already have. And in case you didn’t already know sustainability TikTok is a thing! Follow some TikTokers who are sharing their own sustainability journeys and giving really practical tips for how you could get started in your home.
• Connect with nature. Remember that stroll from earlier? Do that at least once a week. If you and your friends usually do indoor activities, challenge them to meet up outdoors more often. Check out the sunset every once in a while. Take your pup to the dog park. Visit your local botanical gardens. What’s the point in worrying about the planet if you don’t get to enjoy what you’re fighting for?
• Environmental justice groups and community advocacy. Does your school have an environmental justice club? Join up! If there isn’t one, start one. Even a group of five students can make a huge impact on the community, from starting a school composting or a gardening program, to petitioning your school district for more responsible sustainability practices.
• Education - Do your research! Then share it with others. There are lots of reliable resources out there for learning the facts of climate change and figuring out what you can do to help.
• Shop local. Be careful with this one! Shopping with local companies instead of big corporate chains can be a great way to support organizations that are also fighting for more sustainable practices, but just because a business is small and locally owned doesn’t mean they believe in sustainability. Make sure to ask questions of your vendors!

Finally, have fun with it! If your attempts at being more informed and taking action are filling you with more anxiety than you had to begin with, that’s counterproductive. It’s okay to take a step back. The point is that your action leads to hope. At TheHopeLine, we believe that our God is an artist who created this planet, all life on it (including us), and charged us to take care of what He called “good.” It’s incredibly cool to be given a job by the OG artist himself, that He would trust us with His art, and that we have the privilege of enjoying that creation every day.

If you’re interested in talking to someone at TheHopeLine about how good stewardship of God’s creation mirrors Christ’s love for us, please reach out. It turns out that learning more about His love is another great balm to our anxieties, whether they stem from solastalgia or not, because it is the ultimate hope.

Coming to terms with an uncertain future can be tough, but it's possible to gain peace of mind. Find out how here. 

-Cara Beth

Do you remember Facebook's 6-hour outage on October 4, 2021? There were a wide variety of reactions and if you were among the people who panicked or felt cut off from the world, you might also be among those who need to take a look at their relationship with social media. Going for less than a day without being able to check your likes, follows, and other updates shouldn’t be that big a disturbance, and this week’s brief and mandatory break from one major social media source revealed, once again, that some of us need to take a hard look at how social media plays into our identities.

Before we get started, it’s absolutely worth noting that quite a few people were more than mildly inconvenienced by the Facebook outage, especially those whose businesses and personal communications rely on Facebook or its affiliate apps. In no way, is this article meant to shame that kind of dependence on sites like Facebook. Our intention here is to talk specifically about the recreational uses of social media, which have been proven to negatively impact mental health in certain cases.

Not All Bad

It’s important to establish that, from the beginning, social media has brought many positives into our lives. If it hadn’t, it probably wouldn’t have caught on like wildfire. It went from a fun way to stay in touch with friends and share funny stickers, to an internationally utilized tool for networking on many levels. You can send a funny meme to your mom (who definitely knows what a meme is) and run your e-commerce shop, never leaving sites that fall under the social media umbrella.

For years, social media has also been an incredible platform for activism and promoting social change through the years, and it has helped many of us feel connected to the world in a time of increased isolation.

There are also ways in which your online community can provide significant support, whether that be through validation and appreciation, being able to find someone to talk to when you feel alone, fundraising for someone in need, or sharing both critical information and fun life updates. All told, it’s a pretty incredible thing, and we’re allowed to appreciate it as such!

When It Takes a Turn for the Worse

Unfortunately, as with many of life’s “good” things, humans have managed to ruin social media by overusing it and using it inappropriately. For as long as this millennial writer can remember, parents have been wary of allowing their kids to use social media, a battle that’s extremely difficult to win in the age of almost constant access to personal technology devices. Those parental concerns are valid, and experts have long joined them in regaling us with reasons that social media is, in fact, pretty detrimental to our development and mental health when it’s used improperly, linking social media to increased rates of depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation, poor communication skills, low self-esteem, and impulse control problems. Some have even begun to compare the impacts of excessive social media use to those of drug addiction. Then there’s cyberbullying, social anxiety, digital addiction… 

It's difficult to count the ways in which “social media” has become the enemy when it comes to talking about our health.

And for good reason! So, what are those of us who don’t want to lose out on the many positives of using social media supposed to do?

How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship with Social Media

It is possible to use social media and have good mental health practices. You just need to be mindful of your digital life and careful about the habits you build around it. Here are a few ways you can keep social media from controlling your every move and maintain a real-world identity outside of the Internet:

1. Set limits. Use technology to your advantage! Set up usage limits on your devices. Figure out what a healthy amount of time per day is for you, and make sure your phone, tablet, or computer kicks you OFF of Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, etc. when you go beyond that time limit.

2. Always have a reason to check your accounts. If you’ve developed the habit of hitting those app buttons every time you have a chance to glance at your phone between classes, on the bus, or during commercial breaks, you’re mindlessly scrolling. Break this by making sure you always log on with purpose. Establishing a goal for your social media accounts, whether that be keeping up conversations with friends, building your following, or running your business, will help you determine whether you actually need to check the app or whether you can wait a while.

3. The golden rule… if you wouldn’t say or do it in real life, don’t do it or say it on social media. Don’t be mean. Don’t be petty. Don’t spread negativity or misinformation. Remember that nothing about social media is private and that it’s actually a platform from which you have incredible influence over others, and your online “paper trail” will never disappear. Use it kindly, wisely, and responsibly.

4. Take a deep breath before you post. There’s no rush. Whatever you’re commenting on will be there five minutes from now, and by that time, you might not feel what you were posting was necessary. And let’s be honest with ourselves: if you find yourself typing in all caps at any point, you probably need to take a moment to calm down and process what you’re saying before you hit “post.”

5. Turn envy into inspiration. So many of us end up comparing ourselves to what we see online. It looks like everyone out there is having a great time, constantly on vacation yet still making a million dollars a day, maintaining a flawless beauty routine, rocking the trendiest fashion, and never taking a break from being awesome. When you feel yourself getting jealous, ask yourself, what parts of their life would I like to incorporate into my own? What actions can I take toward the life I want? Get inspired to make changes you desire instead of hating on someone else for appearing to have what you want.

6. Take breaks. Not just fifteen-minute breaks. Every so often, hit the reset button and take a break from all social media for a week, a month, 3 months, a year… however long you need. If you think it’s necessary or helpful, you might even want to take an occasional break from all things digital, not just social media. Reconnect with your in-person life. Social media won’t disappear while you’re gone.

7. Schedule in-person hangouts. If you’re relying on DM’s to keep in touch with your friends, family, and support network, make a point to ask them out for coffee or invite them over for a movie night every couple of weeks. It’s awesome that you’re able to use tools to communicate, but don’t forget that your relationships need quality time and attention to thrive. Plus, relegating your social life only to on-screen interactions can lead to feelings of social isolation and depression. Disconnect from the internet and connect with your loved ones.

8. Follow & unfollow mindfully. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re scrolling. If there are people or accounts whose posts inevitably shift you into a bad mood, it might be time for an unfollow. You’re in control of what you see online, and you have to make sure your mental health is a priority. It’s not mean to stop looking at a particular friend’s posts if that’s what you need to make sure you don’t spiral into a negative mindset after five minutes of scrolling. Also be wary of “doom scrolling,” when all you’re doing is taking in bad news. There’s a fine line between staying informed and torturing yourself, and if you realize that scrolling through horrible headlines leaves you in a bad place, it might be time to unfollow those sources and choose a different way to keep up with current events. And by all means, never forget that there are also accounts or profiles that always make you smile! Follow cute puppies, kittens, toddlers, comics… whatever brings you a moment of joy or a chuckle is worth including in your potential scrolling experience each day.

9. Log off before bed. Sign out. Close the app. Seriously. Not only will the simple act of removing yourself from your social media platforms help you develop a practice of keeping your identity separate from your online presence and keep you from scrolling way past your bedtime but having to stop and sign back in tomorrow will hopefully help you be more mindful of your social media use the next day. Sleep is crucial to your mental health, so at the very least, set your phone out of reach from your bed. It will still be there in the morning.

Mindfulness and Moderation

It’s okay if you just choose some of the things from this list to practice. We all need to pursue mental health in ways that work for us, and our circumstances sometimes demand that we use social media more often than we’d like. The idea is to be mindful that social media isn’t getting in the way of your health, identity, or peace. 

As Christians, we all have access to peace in Christ. Even when the world becomes an overwhelming mess around us, we can rest assured that the Creator of the universe sees us, cares for us and will provide for our needs. If you think you have a problem with social media use or digital addiction interrupting your peace of mind, reach out to someone at TheHopeLine today. We’d love to talk to you about how you can improve your mental health and have a better relationship with the internet in general.

Research shows that screen addiction can damage your brain. Do you need a digital diet? 8 questions to ask yourself and how to take a break.

-Cara Beth

Let’s talk about ghosting. I’ve been ghosted a few times, and I’ve done my share of ghosting. Ghosting, I believe, is one of many symptoms of the millennial generation’s deep-seated fear of rejection. I find, when I’m most in fear of rejection, I tend to reject connection. Ghosting? It’s a pretty clear rejection of any connection at all.

Unfortunately, though ghosting may have started amongst Gen Y, it’s been passed down to Gen Z via online dating culture, and it doesn’t seem to be a fading phenomenon. So, what is it exactly?

What is “Ghosting”?

Ghosting is essentially when one party in a relationship, whether casual or serious, digital or in person, simply vanishes, never to be heard from again. There’s a wide range of ghosting levels too. On the one hand, if you exchange a couple of casual messages with a match on Bumble, but the conversation dries up and nothing ever happens, that’s more of a light ghosting. In the app dating world, some of us get overwhelmed with the small talk or the sheer number of conversations in our inbox, and some matches inevitably slip through the cracks, their potential dying with every day that’s added to the last read receipt.

On the other hand, some folks really commit to their ghosting. I once dated a man over the course of a summer. We went on 4 dates, and in between those dates we texted regularly, getting to know each other at a pretty comfortable pace. I had a good feeling about this guy! He was taking his time, and we were getting along. I’d even met his dog! Then, on the day of our fifth date, he reached out to let me know that a family emergency had occurred, and he would need to reschedule. I let him know that I understood and would wait to hear from him… and I never did! Ever. Not a word. I got ghosted hard. Let me be clear, this guy had also made a habit of stopping by the coffee shop where I worked to visit me a couple of mornings per week, and even those visits suddenly ceased. I never saw him again! A summer of opening myself up to a new guy went down the drain, and I’ll never know why. That’s textbook ghosting.

The Effects of Ghosting

I guess we should all thank “John” for such a clean example of ghosting, which we can now analyze. First, let’s talk about how I responded and why. I did nothing. I did not follow up. I did not reach back out to him. I did not stalk him on social media to figure out if he was seeing someone else.

The reasons I didn’t do those things are two-fold:

•  I had tried those things before, and the results were wholly unsatisfying.
•  I was afraid if I reached out, he would simply reiterate his rejection of my company with words that would hurt to hear. I   already blamed myself a little bit, and I didn’t want any evidence to back that up. I was scared and more than a little angry.
• Why was I angry? Because ghosting is rude! By this time, I’d been ghosted before, and I’d also committed a fair number of ghosting crimes myself. Eventually though, guilt started to eat away at me about leaving people in the dust like that, and I started to wonder if ghosting was as harmless as it seems. Turns out: it’s not harmless at all.

Effects on the Ghosted

The most obvious person who stands to get hurt after a ghosting is the person who gets, well, ghosted. When you sign up for an online dating site or app, you’re putting yourself out there. Every match is a potential future mate, and every conversation is the possibility of a meaningful relationship. That means, no matter how insignificant an interaction is, every time a match doesn’t pan out, there’s also a miniature loss. Loss is hard enough without it coming suddenly, unexpectedly, and without closure. So, every time you’re ghosted, it’s like a miniature trauma, a severing of emotional ties.

If it happens once or twice, it’s not so bad. Most of us can understand that being rejected on an online platform is not such a big deal… but if it happens over and over and over again? That’s a tough blow. It takes bravery and vulnerability to attempt to connect with someone in hopes of finding love. It’s hard not to take it personally when the ghosting phenomenon seems to be ending every potential match. I have friends who have been rendered hopeless and given up on dating altogether, simply because a string of seemingly innocuous ghosting ate away at their resolve to find connection. If you’re struggling to cope with being ghosted, reaching out to one of the email mentors at TheHopeLine could help you sort through your feelings.

Effects on the Ghoster

See above. If you’re the ghoster, each individual ghosting may not feel like a big deal. It’s just a screen, just an online profile, and if the person you’re cutting off has any experience with dating apps, they’ll get it and simply move on, right? But remember, you never know how many times this person has been ghosted before. You never know how hard it was for them to create their profile, respond to your initial messages, or ask you for that first date. You have used the online platform as an excuse to ignore the human on the other side of the profile, and that’s called cognitive dissonance. 

You know there’s a real person there with real feeling, but because you can’t see them, you proceed to treat them as you would never dare treat a person standing right in front of you. You shift the responsibility of ending things to the app itself. You take the easy way out. And let me tell you that just like being ghosted over and over again can eat away at your feelings, ghosting over and over again can eat away at your humanity. You forget empathy.  And when you forget empathy, you actually lose an essential ingredient for forming any meaningful connection in the future. The more you ghost, the further you get from yourself and from your future partner.

Let the Ghosting Stop with You

That said, if you’re tempted to ghost someone, I get it. Telling someone that you’re not into it is hard. Most of us don’t want to cause pain, and sometimes, admitting that we’re not ready for a deeper connection is a vulnerable position to be in. But here’s the thing: ghosting is mean. No matter how you look at it, to ghost someone is to disrespect them, their time, and the amount of emotional capital they’ve spent engaging with you, even if it’s just been a brief digital conversation. SO DON’T DO IT. Here are a few easy things you can say instead of just leaving someone on “read'' for the rest of forever:

• Hey, sorry, but I’m really not in the headspace for a new relationship right now. Thanks for chatting, and I hope life treats you well. Bye!
• Hey there, I’ve had a nice time chatting with you, but I’m not feeling the connection, so I’m going in another direction. Be well!
• Wanted to reach out and let you know that I’m not interested in continuing our talks. So sorry, it’s nothing you’ve done, just not the right time for me. I wish you the best!

Literally “copy and pasting” one of those messages into a chat that you’re wanting to end is an easy, and much kinder, way to remove yourself from an equation than simply blocking or deleting a person from your phone. Take a breath, remember that a human being in the flesh is on the other side of that screen, and don’t convince yourself that the faceless “...” message on your screen doesn’t have feelings. 

A Less Spooky Future

It is more important than ever that we challenge ourselves to acknowledge the humanity in everyone, including ourselves. Every one of us is a unique, precious creation, deserving at the very least a respectful conversation. So don’t ghost. You’re better than that, and you deserve better than that too. We all do. If “John” were ever to surface again, I think I’d apologize for not asking him if his family emergency turned out okay. I think I’d also let him know that it hurt when he vanished overnight, that it took me a few months before I was brave enough to date again, and that I deserved better than a ghost. Ultimately, this ghosting thing is here to stay as long as humans fear, but my own ghosting days are over.

If you've had your heartbroken, you may wonder if you'll ever start dating again. Here are some ways to start the healing process. 

-Cara Beth

You’ve all heard of “Netflix & Chill.” It’s not a new term. We all know what it means… right? It’s the “dating” invitation that pretty much means neither party expects anything out of the evening but a little bit of… you know. You might say it’s a “date,” but it’s not a very substantive interaction. It’s a hookup. Usually assumed to be purposefully meaningless. And if we’ve learned anything over the past couple of years, one is that humans are craving meaningful connection—deep, lasting, genuine relationships that inspire trust, empathy, and action. “Netflix & Chill” may bring us temporary comfort, but if we’re looking for something more significant, it’s time to try other “date” ideas, if you can really call “Netflix & Chill” a date. 

But what constitutes a date?! What if asking someone out or spending time with them sans screen fills you with anxiety? What if you have zero ideas for activities you could do with this person you like? Or what if you’re both broke and fancy dinners or expensive excursions aren’t an option? Fear not. There are plenty of ways to get you and your date off that couch, and I’ve come up with a shortlist here to get you started.

Alternatives to Netflix and Chill

1. Spend the day on the nearest river or beach! It’s summer. Get out there and enjoy the sunshine and the water. Maybe you can rent or borrow a canoe, kayak, or paddleboard for the day. You can lounge in a giant flamingo pool float, or you can hunt for rocks and shells. As long as you remember to wear sunscreen, this is a great, low-cost way to spend some time with your date.

2. Plan a picnic. This is a classic! Find a local park. Make a couple of sandwiches. Bring a way to play some music. And treat your date to a lovely morning or afternoon in a shady spot on a pretty blanket. You might enjoy it too.

3. Visit your local museum, gallery, zoo, aquarium, or botanical gardens. Most of these kinds of places have days when you can visit for free or at a discounted rate if you’re a local resident, teacher, or student. Do a little research and see what kinds of coupons they might offer for their guided tours as well! You can see some amazing art, meet some cute baby animals, or gaze at the pretty fishies all while getting to know a little more about this person you’re trying to date.

4. Create a “Get to Know You” scavenger hunt. If you’re the creative type, this could be a blast! Check and make sure your date is okay with a little bit of running around town, because scavenger hunts can be a bit labor-intensive. If your date’s in, great! Pick a place to meet, give each other a shortlist of places to go or objects to collect that will help you learn about each other, then pick a final meeting place where you’ll compare your results and experiences. 

5. Go thrifting. Whether you want to check out the local thrift store for wacky home decor items or pick out unique or silly outfits for your date, a little bit of shopping can be a fun way to break the ice with someone. This is a good one for combining with other dates! You could choose each other’s outfits and then go to a concert in your funky getups.

6. Play some music and dance. Maybe you do this one while you’re on that picnic, or maybe you do it in the parking lot of your date’s job because their lunch break is your only chance to hang out. Either way, play some music on your phone or car radio, and dance with each other.

7. Go on a roaming lunch or dinner date. Start at one place for appetizers, walk to another for your main course, and finish up at another place for dessert. This ramble can be as fancy or as casual as you want to make it. The point is that you’re spending a little more interesting time together than just staring at one another across a table.

8. Play putt-putt or go bowling or roller skating. These are the kinds of things we did for fun as kids! The number of roller skating birthday parties I went to… astounding! Playing the way we used to as children can also be a really sweet way to get to know someone you’re dating. 

9. Check out the sunrise. Agree to get up early and meet each other at a spot in your town where the view of the sunrise is breathtaking. Starting your day with a moment of awe and a little bit of quiet might create a lovely, intimate memory between you and this person. Make sure you bring them their favorite coffee drink! And if it goes well, invite them to breakfast afterward.

10. Reading… I’m serious. If you or your date are book nerds, there’s nothing quite as romantic as sharing a blanket in the park while you both read your books.

11. Free concerts, shows and screenings. Lots of cities and neighborhoods offer free outdoor activities during the summer. Check out what’s going on near you! It could be a Beach Boys cover band playing outside the local Mellow Mushroom, or it could be a showing of How to Train Your Dragon at the elementary school’s playground. Both sound like fun to me!

12. Food sample tour. Farmers' markets and grocery stores often have plentiful sample booths on the weekends. Take a tour of the free samples! If you’re strapped for cash, this is a great way to go on a walk and enjoy a few treats. But be careful… you might end up tempted to buy that specialty olive oil.

13. Go to fancy open houses. You don’t have to be interested in buying a house to go to an open house. It’s open! Says so on the sign! As long as you and your date are well-behaved and respectful of the others at the event, it can be fun to get super dressed up and visit homes you might dream of owning one day.

14. Do a photoshoot together. You don’t need a photographer or a fancy camera. Whip out your phones and start snapping shots of each other. Have fun with it! Play. You can also combine this one with any of the other dates on this list to get some excellent photo opportunities.

15. Volunteer at the local community garden or animal shelter. What better way to spend time together than snuggling with puppies or getting your hands in the dirt? This is also a great way to get to know the heart of the person you’re dating. What causes do you both care about?

Wait! Don’t panic. It’s important to clarify that when you’re talking to someone you might be into romantically, of COURSE it’s okay to watch movies and TV with them. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying entertainment together! These are just options for when you want to be extra clear that you don’t want a “Netflix & Chill” encounter. Just try to mix it up. Remember the world beyond your front door? It’s still there, and what better way to get to know yourself and your partner than to experience something off-screen? Especially if you’re looking to date or get to know someone. Step out into the sunlight. Make eye contact. Have a conversation. It will be fun!

If you’re wondering about ideas more specific to your interests or hometown, I recommend Googling local events and venues to see what’s coming up in your area this summer. From farmers’ markets to outdoor concerts and sporting events, there’s sure to be something you and your date could enjoy together. Look at that work again, enjoy. We are meant to find joy in the way we spend our time. We are meant to live abundantly. Maybe it’s just me but staying home in my sweatpants watching a show I don’t care about just so I can get some “cuddles” with a person I don’t really know doesn’t sound abundant to me.

Do yourself, and your date, a favor this summer and find something to do with your time that does not fit the descriptor of “Netflix & Chill.” But if you’re feeling anxious or worried about the idea of dating right now, or you don’t feel that you deserve to live abundantly, please reach out to TheHopeLine. We’d love to talk to you about your feelings and share resources with you that could help you on your journey.

-Cara Beth

To the Serial Dater: Are You Afraid to Be Single and Alone?

Dear Serial Daters, 

It’s time we had the talk. I used to be one of you… In fact, once a serial dater (see Definition #2), always a serial dater. So… I guess I am a serial dater in recovery. I used to get VERY angry about this term. How DARE someone label me based solely on the length of time between my romantic relationships? 

And then I went a few months without a boyfriend… a year… two years… FOUR YEARS. Somewhere in there, I started to get it.

If you find yourself in the middle of a long series of major relationships, and you’re not quite sure how you got there, or if you look back on your adult life and you can’t clearly identify a time when you’ve been really, truly single you might want to hear me out.

Finding Your Person

From the beginning of time, humans have sought out relationships because, quite frankly, we need help with stuff. From the Adam and Eve days to our world now, we’ve clung to our significant others as a source of stability, prosperity, safety, and so much more. Of course, we’ve also found great love, joy, and companionship within these relationships! Being with someone you know; love and respect can be an incredible thing indeed. But as a society, we’ve kind of built up marriage, or at least committed relationships, as the be-all-end-all life goal. Some of us start dreaming of finding “our person” as soon as we’re old enough to dream!

Matchmaking and online dating apps are making a killing off of this idea, and we invest a lot of money in an effort to not “end up alone.” Whether you’re going to bars or swiping on Bumble, Tinder, Match.com, or OkCupid, it’s considered completely normal to use a significant amount of your free time on the hunt for “love.” Who taught us that way of thinking? And why? Is having a significant other really better than being single?

Actually, there are studies on this… while it used to be true that married folks had a higher life expectancy than singles, those numbers are starting to even out. Of course, having someone to help you put food on the table and take care of you when you’re sick improved your life expectancy back in the day, but as access to healthcare and de-stigmatization of gender roles (ever so slowly) catch up with the times, a single person’s life expectancy is just about the same as a married person’s.

Unfortunately, there are still stigmas about being single, and there are often significant legal and financial advantages to being married, depending on what state or country you live in. 

By no means am I saying you shouldn’t want to get married. Marriage can be a HUGE advantage. But it’s not everything… There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single, enjoying being single, and wanting to stay single.

The Way We Spend Our Time Shapes Us

They say the best writers are obsessive readers—they spend time engrossed in the written word. The best athletes and musicians have practiced their skills for an insane number of hours. Doctors, lawyers, and teachers have gone to school for years to master their crafts. The time we spend on any one person or practice shapes who we are, and if you’re spending all your time obsessing over finding someone to be with, are you really focused on that person, or are you focused on the hunt? If that’s what you dedicate your waking hours to, what other parts of your life are you neglecting? If the past several years of your life have been devoted to a string of boyfriends or girlfriends, you’re an expert on the subject of dating, of getting into and out of relationships, and you could probably write your own news column a la Carrie Bradshaw. But if you’re in relationship after relationship, it’s important to ask whether you actually love these individuals you’re dating or if you’re, wait for it, addicted to love.

How’s Your Current Relationship Going?

There are some tell-tale signs that your current relationship might be more based on love addiction or the fear of being single than on an actual, meaningful regard for the person you’re with. And before you freak out, it’s quite possible to have BOTH valid feelings for someone and be in a relationship that’s partly driven by love addiction. Realizing that you are grappling with the fear of being alone doesn’t mean you necessarily have to break up with whoever you’re seeing. It just means there’s some work to be done, which is what relationships are all about.

Do some honest reflection. Here are a few signals that love addiction may be part of the equation in your relationships:

• It was love at first sight. There were intense feelings that swept you away almost immediately, and you haven’t looked back since.
• You feel anxious without your person, and you hate spending time apart from them.
• You made commitments and long-term plans together very early on in the relationship.
• You get upset when your partner doesn’t behave the way you thought they would, and you have a list in your mind of things you wish could change.
• When you talk about your partner or your future together, it’s perfect and idealized.
• You resent when something doesn’t go according to plan.
• When the relationship ends, you’re hugely disappointed that they weren’t who you thought they were.
• This has happened with more than one person.

Again, you can be realizing that you’re driven by the fear of being single at the same time as you’re in a valid, loving relationship. It’s best for both you and your partner, though, to go ahead and talk about the ways in which the two of you can grow together. If you’re not in a relationship right now, it’s also worth taking a look at your patterns. In the end, that work will only sweeten the relationships you engage in from now on. 

How’s Your Relationship With Yourself?

The common factor in all these relationships has been you. You are the person you have wanted all these people to love. So, who are you? Who is this person you’re so afraid of leaving alone? Do you even know? I didn’t. I was so busy practicing being a girlfriend for years that I had a pretty stunted relationship with myself. I had a life, I was a stellar student, and I had tons of friends. But outside of school and relationships, I didn’t know a whole lot about myself. I knew I liked pizza. I knew I liked ice cream. I knew I liked sleeping in on the weekends. Practically everything else I liked or disliked was an inherited trait from one of many relationships. My music tastes were someone else’s. My food tastes were someone else’s. My political opinions were someone else’s. My spirituality was someone else’s. Does that invalidate everything I did during those years or the love I felt for those partners? No! I wasn’t necessarily living a lie because to an extent I did love The Decemberists and gyros at the time. But I’ve had to do a lot of work since then to discover that, actually, gyros are something I love, but The Decemberists would never be on my Spotify history if it weren’t for that particular ex, and I don’t have to listen to them ever again!

Do you know whether the things you claim to love, like, or dislike are really things you love, like, or dislike? Or are you as skilled as I was at becoming the “perfect” partner to someone that your identity has changed with each relationship? Lots of things I learned and loved during a string of relationships were absolutely true to who I am today and still am. But lots of things weren’t, and I had to learn the difference. Remember my little rant about where you spend your time a minute ago? I hadn’t spent a lot of time getting to know myself, so I was no expert on the subject. I had to practice. 

A manifesto on how to spend quality time with yourself is another post, but I highly recommend starting with therapy and Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. If you don’t love reading, then just steal her idea of going on “dates” with yourself. You’re obviously great at dating! So, take some time, whether you’re single or not, and take yourself on a date. Regularly. Make it a habit. I truly believe that you are a masterful work of art, worthy of deep, abiding love and abundant life because you are a reflection of the Creator God. Doesn’t that sound like something worthy of your time? If you don’t see yourself as worthy of that kind of time, please reach out to TheHopeLine today. We’d love to talk to you about learning to enjoy who you are.

For more on understanding love addiction and how it relates to serial dating read, Trading Love Addiction for Meaningful Relationships. 

-Cara Beth