Posts by TheHopeLine Team

Divorce is a devastating blow to any family, no matter the circumstances. Whether the children were too young to remember when it happened, or they were grown and out of the house by that time, changing the way a family works has a significant impact on them. Even if that divorce was the right thing to do for everyone involved, there can still be pain, and it may take time to figure out what the future will look like, especially during the holidays. Divorced parents sometimes become so caught up in their own pain that they may not notice or prioritize how their children feel about traditions, old and new.

If you’re a child of separated or divorced parents, you may not be sure how to cope with the upcoming holidays. Coping with divorce is never easy, especially in a season full of significant events that are supposed to be fun. Is it even possible to have fun when your parents are fighting, aren’t together, or simply don’t understand that things are different now?

How to Cope With Parents' Divorce

8 Ways to Approach the Holidays As a Child of Divorced Parents

1. Let yourself grieve.

Divorce changes everything, and you will never experience the holidays in the same way as you did when your parents were together. No more crawling out of bed to find that your dad has eaten the cookies left out for Santa but hid the carrots left for the reindeer in the bottom of the glass of milk, while your mom snaps pictures like you are still 8 years old. No more fighting over which Christmas movie to watch because your mom LOVES the Grinch, but your dad prefers Charlie Brown. On the brighter side, no more pretending not to notice that your parents aren’t speaking to each other at the Thanksgiving table… You can feel relief and grief at the same time.

You have lost something that you will never get back, and as you enter the holiday season, it’s necessary for you to allow yourself to feel your grief about that. Ignoring it may buy you a couple of years’ “peace,” but eventually your heartbreak about the situation will resurface. Let yourself grieve.

2. Set your intentions for the season.

Whether this is the first holiday since the divorce, or your parents have been divorced for years, it’s understandable to be nervous. Maybe you don’t know what to expect, or maybe you fear it’ll be a repeat of past family fiascos. Once you’ve allowed yourself to grieve (or feel relief)  that this won’t be like the old days, think about how you would like it to feel.

Do you want the holidays to feel relaxed? Bustling with fun activities? Full of music? Quiet and cozy? Do you want to be surrounded by everyone you love at big parties? Do you want to be home, watching the Hallmark channel with a mug of hot chocolate? Do you want a healthy mix of all of the above?

If you don’t take a moment to imagine what kind of holiday would be most enjoyable for you, you risk defaulting to the stressful feeling that comes from balancing what one parent wants with what the other wants.

3. Communicate.

You’ve already witnessed the result of poor communication. Don’t fall into the same trap of hiding the truth for the sake of “peace” or expecting your parents to read your mind. If you’re feeling sad or angry, share that with them. If you want the holiday to feel a certain way, let them know. No good comes from lack of communication. Your thoughts and feelings deserve to be voiced and heard.

If you don’t feel safe or comfortable sharing your feelings with one or more of your parents, consider another trusted adult–family member, friend, or counselor–who will be able to listen with compassion.

4. Remember you do have a choice.

If your parents divorced while you were still a little kid, they probably had an official court agreement about the holidays to make sure they both got to see you. You may not have had much say in how holiday traditions developed back then. Even if your parents divorced later, you might feel a lot of pressure from one or both parents to make sure you’re pleasing them, dividing up your time “fairly,” and making sure they both get the holiday they want.

It may feel like your holiday plans are decided for you, but you do have a choice. If you hate going to Thanksgiving at your Stepmom’s brother’s house every year, talk to your parents about it. Ask them if there’s some other way for you to celebrate with that side of the family. If your mom complains or tries to schedule another event when you plan to go to your dad’s annual Secret Santa gathering, talk to her about it. Make it clear that you feel pressured and trapped to provide them with holiday cheer, which leaves you feeling none.

Drawing new boundaries, particularly around the holidays, is a big part of rebuilding healthy family dynamics after a divorce. Hopefully your parents will understand and make adjustments to help you feel less pressure. If they don’t, that’s another good time to try talking with another trusted adult about what you can do.

5. Don’t expect things to go perfectly.

Even when everyone involved approaches the holidays with the best and healthiest intentions, something will go wrong. Someone will be late to a gathering. A community event you love will sell out. A cousin will get Covid and have to stay home. Starbucks will run out of peppermint syrup.

It’s important not to pin all your hopes for enjoying the holiday on one or two details. That’s difficult to do, especially if you’re still aching from a recent divorce. Sometimes we cling to one thing, looking forward to it like it’s the one thing that we’ll enjoy all season, but if the power goes out and you aren’t able to do the neighborhood light tour, don’t let that wreck the holidays entirely. 

Have some grace for both you and your family so that when things inevitably get messed up, you’re able to laugh about it and have a good time anyway.

6. Focus on the positives.

When things don’t go perfectly (see above), it’s important to be able to recognize what’s going right. After a divorce, that can be very hard to do. What’s positive about having a frozen pizza with one parent on Christmas Eve, while your other parent is posting Instagram pictures of skiing with their new stepkids?

This isn’t about denying the negatives! That’s not healthy. Acknowledge that your situation is not ideal, but then look around and find things that you are enjoying. You can hold multiple feelings at once.

7. Create new traditions.

Since some of your old family traditions are either gone forever or will never be the same, it’s more than okay to propose some new ones to your family! They are probably craving something that won’t remind them of the divorce as well. Maybe you start going to see old, classic Christmas movies at the neighborhood theater every year. Maybe you start getting really into putting up elaborate lights and decorations at one parent’s house every year. Maybe you host a party that becomes an annual tradition. Anything could become a new tradition as long as you enjoy it.

You’re also allowed to create a new tradition that’s just for you. Since you know your family won’t all be able to participate, or if doing things with the family still reminds you of the divorce, try something all your own. Maybe it’s just that you go out alone on Christmas Eve, buy a coffee, and sit on a bench at the town square. Maybe you go take yourself to the salon and get a snowflake design shaved into your hair! Whatever it is, it’s your tradition, it makes you smile, and it’s something new to hold onto in place of traditions that have been lost.

8. Let yourself grieve again.

Yes, again. Even if the holidays go great, everyone gets along as best they can, and you have a blast…. It’s okay to feel a little sad inside as well. Grief is a process. The grief you might feel as the holidays approach may feel completely different from the grief that crops up during or after the holidays. It’s important to allow yourself the space to process that grief no matter when or why it gets triggered.

Reclaim the Feeling of Family for Yourself

Too often, even after an amicable divorce, everyone involved is left with a sullied belief in the goodness of family. Though it’s absolutely valid to carry grief and distrust about the idea of family, stay open to the possibility that you can still have that kind of unconditional love, trust, and support in your life again. The concept of family doesn't begin and end with your parents. In fact, many people cherish their “found family” as dearly as others do their blood relatives. The Bible also says that “even if [your] father and mother left [you] alone, the LORD would take [you] in.” You are never alone, and you do not have to be without a family.

From hereon, move forward very intentionally with new relationships. Invest in your friendships, be the kind of romantic partner you’d have liked your parents to be for one another, and participate in community organizations that help children and families in your area thrive. Your first family may not have fulfilled your dreams of support and belonging, but you can create one in which you "carry each other’s burdens” as it says in Galatians, regardless of the time of year.

We hope you have a wonderful holiday season with your family, whoever that includes and however it works for you! If you are feeling alone or full of grief after your parents’ divorce, reach out. If you’re curious to hear more about how you can find the love of a family through God, reach out. Our Hope Coaches are always available to listen without judgment and connect you with resources that can help you.

Divorce can bring up complicated emotions, and it can often seem like your parent's divorce is all your fault. But it isn't. Read this blog for help dealing with your feelings.

It’s true… a LARGE percentage of the breakup advice out there is geared toward girls. They get Taylor Swift songs, movies like He’s Just Not That Into You, and so much more content that’s designed to pump up a heartbroken lady. But what about guys? They also end up hurt after breakups. What are they supposed to do? We have good news and bad news. At its core, the breakup advice you need is roughly the same, which is great! You have resources. The bad news? No matter who you are, getting over a broken heart is tough. But! You’ve got this. Here’s a game plan.

How to Handle a Broken Heart

Dealing With the Feelings

Relationships are hard enough, but when they end… That’s painful. So painful that it’s tempting to try to drown out or avoid those feelings, especially when you’re a guy. You might feel like you want to run from the feelings or stuff them deep down inside you and deny them. You might feel like they’re so strong, they’re crushing you until you can barely breathe, let alone think straight. The key to getting through this phase of your heartbreak is to get control over these feelings, rather than letting them control you. How?

• Feel them. That’s right. Guys are usually used to or taught to put up a tough exterior or act like everything is okay when it’s not. You wouldn’t want to be seen as “weak” or “too emotional,” right? But the reality is, if you run from the feelings or push them down, then they’re not actually gone. They keep coming back, and you’ll have to keep running, which means they’re in control of you. It’s the same if you’re feeling absolutely crushed by them to the point that you can’t get out of bed, you’re skipping school, or you’re relying on alcohol or drugs to get you through the day. You’re not actually processing the pain, but simply giving up control of your life to them. It will be hard, maybe even the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but you need to listen to the feelings, write them down, reflect on them, and maybe even let yourself cry–yes, guys are allowed to cry. Give your feelings some attention, so that they don’t insist on crushing you or chasing you. Tell them, “Hey, I hear you, and I’m giving you some time every day, but you can’t have all of my time.”
• Share them. We don’t just hide from our feelings when we’re in pain, do we? We hide from our friends and family, especially if we feel any shame about the heartbreak. Whatever the circumstances of your breakup, shame loves to tag along with pain and say things to you like, “Don’t bother them with your sob story. They’re busy, or they’ll think you’re weak.” Don’t listen! Isolation is a key ingredient in so many mental health problems that even if you don’t know what to say, you’ve got to make sure you’re talking to someone about what you’re going through. Lay all your feelings out there with God, a close friend or trusted adult, like a parent, teacher, or counselor. Knowing that you’re not alone, and naming the feelings aloud, can strip the feelings of some of their power. If you’re not sure who you can talk to, reach out to us at TheHopeLine. We can connect you with great resources, and our Hope Coaches are great at listening.
• Give them time. Feelings are powerful, and they’re not going anywhere after just one day of reading breakup advice or talking to a friend. Be patient with yourself. Do the work of healing every day, and eventually, you’ll have a day when you realize you don’t feel heartbroken anymore.

If you’re having trouble wrapping your mind around how to connect with your feelings because it doesn’t feel like what guys around you are doing, take a look at how lots of male celebrities are challenging toxic masculinity. Terry Crews is all muscle on the outside, but he plays characters, like Terry Jeffords in Brooklyn 99, who express their feelings without losing a single shred of their strength or ability to protect others. Crews also using his platform to speak out about the importance of vulnerability, and at the same time made an Old Spice commercial where he played the drums just by flexing his muscles… it’s 100% possible to be “strong” and vulnerable at the same time.

Taking Steps Toward Healing

As you learn to listen to your painful feelings and take care of them, the rest of the healing process is going to be all about your heart, your mind, and your body. Heartbreak can take a toll on every part of you, so it’s important to be thorough as you go about rebuilding the hope and joy that pain can steal from us.

Your Heart

This is the part of you where you’ll feel the anger, the sadness, the shame, the regret, the betrayal, or the confusion of your breakup. As you learn to listen to these feelings, consider what you can do to offer your heart some comfort while it’s struggling. This is where that classic trope about girls eating pints of ice cream after a breakup comes from. 

Do you have a favorite meal? Do you have a favorite place? Do you have a favorite hoodie? Do you love it when your mom cuts the crusts off your PB & J? Do you love to watch reruns of a certain show? 

Now’s the time to start reminding your heart that just because one person you loved isn’t in your life anymore doesn’t mean all the things you love are gone. Treat yourself to some things that make you feel warm, cozy, and loved so that you can keep your heart in shape for a future when the heartbreak is over.

Your Mind

This is where you intellectualize your feelings and turn them into thoughts. When your brain is flooded with the chemicals and hormones that follow extremely painful feelings, it can be hard to think straight, which is why we hear about people doing unexpected things after breakups. It’s true that you might look VERY cool if you shaved your head, but remember that now is not the time to make big decisions. Be patient, and wait out the heartbreak so you can make sure your actions are really what you want and not your painful feelings.

 For the same reason, it’s also wise to avoid abusing substances during this time. Your judgment is clouded with feelings that won’t be there forever, and drinking heavily or abusing drugs can result in permanent consequences.

 The number one way to keep your mind in healthy shape is going to therapy. You may not think you need therapy because it’s only for “crazy people” or because that’s just “not something guys do.” Those are lies that toxic masculinity culture tells. A therapist is just someone who knows how to listen to the millions of thoughts you’re having and help you figure out a way through them. You don’t have to go forever, but it’s a great idea to consider going while you are healing from a broken heart.

Your Body

You might be surprised how much a broken heart can impact the body! Let’s just say, it’s easy to neglect or mistreat your body when you’re overwhelmed by mental and emotional pain. Be careful during this period of healing that you aren’t abusing your body by cramming it full of junk and then wondering why you still feel awful. Remember that exercise, even just a walk around the block, actually produces chemicals in your brain that help to fight off the noisy, painful thoughts. Make sure you’re feeding yourself nutritiously, drinking plenty of water, and moving your body so that you have the fuel to get your brain and heart through this.

Remember: healing a broken heart takes time. Don’t rush it, and be kind to yourself along the journey.

Consider Loving Again

So you’re being patient with yourself, you’re not isolating, and you’re tending to your heart, mind, and body. Now for the big question! Can a heartbroken man love again? Romantic relationships can feel terrifying after you’ve had the experience of heartbreak, and it’s not uncommon to feel like you’ll never love again. That may be true for a while, too. Your heart is hurting and needs to focus on other things for a while. But someday when you’re ready, open your heart to the idea of finding a new love. Don’t deprive yourself of that opportunity just to avoid future pain.

In fact, this is a good time to consider talking to God, again. He promises over and over again in the Bible to carry our burdens, tells us not to be afraid, and plans our future to be full of good things. With Him on your team, you can be confident that no matter what happens in your next relationship, you won’t be alone, and you’ll never be without love. Talk to Him about how you’re worried that you’ll never love again, or that you’re afraid you’ll just get your heart broken again. He listens, He loves you, and He’s with you. 

If you want to hear more about how God’s looking out for you, reach out to TheHopeLine. We’re so sorry that you’re heartbroken right now, but we’re here to walk beside you as you heal. Keep your head up!

Picking up the pieces of a broken heart can be tough, but healing heartbreak is possible. Here are 6 tips for healing a broken heart.

Anger is a powerful emotion, and we often categorize it as “bad.” But is it? Sometimes. Odds are, if you’re looking up articles about anger, you’re struggling with it. While it’s “bad” that your anger is hurting you, it’s not necessarily bad that you feel it in the first place. If you find yourself wondering, “Why do I have anger issues,” or “Why can’t I control my anger,” it may be that this emotion has started to control you, rather than you being in control of your feelings. Anger on its own is a healthy emotion. Uncontrolled anger is probably not.

Do you know where your anger is coming from? Many consider anger to be an extension of other root emotions like fear or sadness, putting up a wall around the pain we feel so that we can hide behind the red-hot urgency of fury rather than admit that our hearts are broken or afraid. That may be true for you too. Wherever your anger stems from, the most important thing is to learn how to deal with it healthily so that you can move through it instead of continuing to feel consumed by the feeling.

How to Handle Lingering Anger

Dealing with Anger

What Are You Angry About?

The only true answer to “why” you’ve been in a state of anger for a long time is to identify the “what.” If you know what you’re angry about, it’s time to confront it. If you don’t know, it’s time to dig deep and figure it out. Anger can come from a lot of places: feeling disrespected, unsafe, hurt, anxious, powerless, or even just being flooded by a memory of a time you felt those things. Even witnessing someone else experiencing those feelings can be a trigger for anger. No matter where it comes from, anger has a tendency to hold on until we let it go, but we’ve all seen Frozen. Sometimes letting go is a process that takes more time than changing your clothes and braiding your hair. Make yourself a cup of tea or coffee, grab a pen and notebook, and settle in for a journaling session, because it’s time to figure out what you’re so angry about and why.

It may help you to ask yourself these questions. Answer as honestly and in as much detail as you can.

• Are there any specific people who come to mind when you feel angry? Who are they? What do they have to do with your anger? Do you feel like you can safely confront them about your feelings? What would you say to them if you did?
• Are there any specific events that come to mind when you feel angry? What exactly happened at these times? What went wrong with these experiences that led you to feeling anger?
• Are there any specific settings that come to mind when you feel angry? Where are you when you get angry? Are you at home, work, school, or somewhere else? What is it about these places that cause you to end up feeling angry?
• What happens when you get angry? How does your body feel? What do you usually do? Has that been working for you? Why or why not?
• Why have you been wondering whether your anger is an issue? What about the past few months has led you to consider whether your anger is unhealthy? How is your anger hurting you? How is your anger hurting others?
• Why do you want to be free of your anger? What about your life would improve if you learned how to better manage anger?

Go through these questions with a counselor or therapist if you’d like. Hopefully, taking the time to examine your anger will help you identify its source. Keep in mind that there may be more than one source! It’s more than possible to be angry about more than one thing at a time. What’s important is getting to know yourself so that you can figure out where and how you’d like to improve.

How Can You Deal With Anger in a Healthy Way?

What’s the big deal? Everyone gets angry, right? Yes… but when you are consumed by an anger issue for a long period of time, it can become dangerous for your health. When you get angry, do you notice how you might feel warmer, your heart beats faster and harder, and sometimes you even sweat or need to move your body? That’s because anger feels just like stress to your body, sending you into fight-or-flight mode, and a chemical called cortisol increases in your brain. If you spend enough time with elevated cortisol, your body suffers because it’s working overtime to remain constantly ready for a fight–your heart, your lungs, your stomach, your brain… they all stand to decline in health if you don’t learn how to calm down and drop out of that state of stress.

If you’re interested in learning how to control anger so that it doesn’t become destructive to yourself or those around you, check out these tips:

• Create distance between yourself and your triggers. Amy Morin, LCSW of VeryWellMind calls this “changing the channel in your brain.” If you notice yourself beginning to feel angry about something, walk away. Excuse yourself from what you’re doing before you explode. Later on, if you find yourself ruminating over what made you mad, busy yourself with another activity. Clean your room, go on a run, head to the movies… anything to distract your mind while you calm down.
• Be careful about venting. While talking to a trusted friend or family member about how you’re feeling can help you calm down, it can also fan the flames. If you really need to get your angry thoughts out, consider an “anger diary” instead. A piece of paper won’t say things like, “that was ridiculous,” “screw them,” or “I hope so-and-so falls off a cliff,” when you write about what’s upsetting you. You get to document your honest feelings in the moment without saying anything you’ll regret or getting even angrier as you tell a friend who’s just trying to be supportive.
• Practice some relaxation techniques to get your heart rate back down. Breathwork, meditation, yoga, a walk, some fresh air, and listening to calming music are all great ways to get your mind and body to calm down. Sometimes, once you’ve had a few minutes away from the anger trigger and eased your mind out of fight-or-flight, you’ll find you aren’t even angry anymore. If you are still angry after you’re calm, you’ll be able to come up with a much more rational plan of action than when you were fuming.
• Consult with a counselor about whether your anger could be linked to other health concerns. Are you abusing alcohol or another substance? Are you in chronic pain or discomfort from a medical condition? Are you struggling with proper sleep habits? Do you have mental health concerns like depression or anxiety that could be contributing to feeling angry all the time? Anger, like all feelings, is complicated. There’s no reason you should try to plow through this complex obstacle on your own. Talking to someone who has made it their career to understand human emotions is one of the best things you can do as you learn to process your anger.

Remember, it’s a process, and the point of this is not to teach yourself not to get angry. Rather you’re just learning how to make sure anger doesn’t control you. Be patient and allow yourself time to practice.

When Is Anger Good?

God’s wrath is pretty famous… Many point to it as a reason they don’t love religion. If God loves us, why does he smite so many people in the Bible? While the God of the Old Testament does some pretty frightening things, His ambassador of love and kindness, Jesus Christ, also gets angry a few times–righteous anger, expressed healthily, can be a beautiful and powerful tool for positive change. If you feel that something truly unjust is occurring, that should make you angry, and you have every right to express that, preferably in a controlled, healthy way. On (very) rare occasions, an angry outburst might be justified and even called for. The problem arises when outbursts of anger become dangerous to others or are your go-to for every little thing that frustrates you… If you feel like you might have an anger problem and want to dive deeper into this blog’s topic, please reach out to a Hope Coach today. We understand the strong hold our emotions can have over us, and we’re here to listen to how you’re feeling without judgment. You’re not alone in this!

Many people get angry when they see other people treated wrongly. Using your anger for good, by expressing it with focus and passion can be very inspirational to other people.

We’ve talked a lot about emotional abuse on our site, but today we want to dive a little deeper into some common terms that pop up in the conversation around abusive, toxic, or narcissistic personalities. There are so many ways emotional abuse can manifest that this post won’t be able to cover all of them, but a few of the most common and insidious types are known as “withholding,” love bombing,” and “the silent treatment.” If you’re wondering, “What about gaslighting?” don’t worry–we’ve covered that in another post.

How to Handle Emotional Abuse

Love Bombing, Withholding, and Gray Rocking

What is Love Bombing?

At first, love bombing feels great! In a romantic relationship, this is the part where you’re falling in love. They make you feel seen and heard. They give you gifts and compliments. They perform acts or service, seeming selfless and kind. How could you not appreciate this person? You grow attached and even dependent upon them because they seem awesome.

For a toxic parent, examples of love bombing might look like extravagant shopping trips, expensive gifts, or telling you how proud they are of you. In a toxic dating relationship this might look like love letters, good morning texts, cute gifts, etc. It doesn’t have to be big, though. Even subtle love bombing is enough to convince us that this person would only ever do what’s best for us, that this is a healthy realtionship.

If you notice that your abuser is love bombing right after a major fight, breakup, or period of distance between you, they may actually be “hoovering,” which is another emotional abuse term that is meant to describe how they try to suck you back into the relationship by acting sweet, kind, or attentive. Regardless of when or how the love bombing occurs, it’s an insidious way to keep you addicted to the relationship, convincing you that there’s always a future in which your relationship with this person could be healthy.

What is Withholding?

Withholding is an abusive tactic that involves a person keeping love, affection, or even basic care from you until you do what they want you to do. It may not be communicated out loud, but somehow you are aware that you won’t get “love” from this person until you concede to their expectations. It’s basically conditional love because the toxic person is making it clear that they will only love you under specific conditions.

For a toxic parent this might look like your dad never giving you the time of day unless you score a touchdown at a game or even refusing to let you sit down at the dinner table until you apologize for something. In a toxic dating relationship this might look like your girlfriend saying that she won’t go to the dance with you unless you buy her something or help her with a project.

Witholding often happens after a love bombing phase, so you are left feeling emotional whiplash and wondering where the sweet, giving person went and feeling guilty as if you’ve done something to make them change their tune. All you want to do is work hard to get that love bombing phase back, which is right where they want you.

Is the Silent Treatment Abusive?

A form of withholding but often more blatant is the famous silent treatment. The name speaks for itself, ironically. It’s when the toxic person literally stops speaking to you, sometimes even pretending not to be able to see or hear you, for a period of time. After it’s over, they may claim they needed time to “get over” something you’ve done, or they may communicate that they won’t speak to you until you meet certain requirements. When someone you love ignores you, it’s heart-wrenching, so of course you’re left wanting to fix the situation as quickly as you can.

For a toxic parent this might look like you coming home from school, saying, “Hi mom,” only to be met with stone-cold silence. She doesn’t even look up from her book. You spend the rest of your day trying to figure out what you’ve done, maybe even apologizing for not taking the trash out and leaving a sock on your floor, until you finally figure out that she was actually mad about your grades the whole time. In a toxic dating relationship this might look like your boyfriend suddenly leaving you “on read” for hours, even days, until you’re finally able to confront him in person and you find out that he’s been angry with you for something you don’t even remember saying last week.

All of the above are tactics that wreak havoc on you, the victim, because they chip away at how you see yourself. You learn to be constantly worried about what they might think of every little move you make, but no amount of hypervigilance on your part will ever actually make them happy. What they really want is control over you, and they have it.

How Can You Protect Yourself from These Forms of Abuse?

So your partner or parent is using one or all of the above methods on a frequent basis… What can you possibly do to defend yourself? If it’s your boyfriend, you can end the relationship and move on… try to heal from the abuse… but what if it’s your mom? Not every toxic relationship feels immediately escapable, leaving you to figure out how to stick up for yourself. It’s very difficult to deal with an emotional abuser because they will do everything they can to maintain control over you, including changing the narrative or temporarily behaving better. Once you’re wise to their methods, however, you can learn how to cut their influence off at the knees by practicing emotional distance. In fact, there’s now a popular term for this: the gray rock method or gray rocking.

What is Gray Rocking?

The abusive person has one goal–control. They maintain control over you by evoking an emotional response from you with their behavior. They know that they can make you feel happy, sad, angry, overwhelmed, or content with one of their tricks. But what if you take that power away from them? Gray rocking is a method of disarming a narcissistic or toxic person to emotionally disengage from their abuse. Essentially, when you are interacting with this person, do everything you can to conceal whatever feelings you have about what they say or do. You can do this by staying distracted in their presence with your phone or a chore, avoiding prolonged eye contact, keeping a straight face, and limiting your verbal responses to simple “yes,” “no,” “hm,” wow,” “okay,” “uh-uh,” etc. Arguing with them or getting upset only feeds them more ammunition to continue pressing your buttons, which is what they’re really after. You become like a gray rock. You remove what they find so entertaining about you. You become so boring to them that they move on.

How is it different from the silent treatment? Is it really okay to use one of their own abusive tactics against them? Well, the silent treatment is almost like a form of withholding in which this person refuses to give you the opportunity to hear them speak until you do something they want you to do. Gray rocking, on the other hand, is not a refusal to engage completely, but a refusal to take the emotional bait they offer you. You are using this method to create a healthier environment, not to control anyone. Therein lies the difference.

Are There Risks to the Gray Rock Method?

While gray rocking can be a very useful method for you as you learn to set boundaries and create more distance between you and your abuser, it’s important to be careful with it. Shutting your emotions off for a brief moment while you interact with someone toxic is one thing. Shutting them off for lengthy periods of time is another. Make sure you have a plan in place to be able to safely feel your feelings after you interact with this person, whether that’s journaling, therapy, or talking to a trusted friend. Bottling up your feelings is unhealthy and can result in more trauma than you already have.

While a toxic person can grow bored enough with your gray rocking that they move on and leave you alone, it’s also important to be aware that in some cases this method may result in an escalation of abuse, wherein your abuser gets so frustrated with your newfound immunity to their tricks that they try even harder to get under your skin. If this is the case, you need to switch tactics and seek help. Create physical distance between you and your abuser–it may be helpful to have an exit plan beforehand to make sure you are able to remove yourself from the situation if this person flies into a rage.

There Are Healthy Relationships Out There

One of the worst results of emotional abuse is that it leaves victims convinced that all their relationships are going to be difficult or tainted. You feel hopeless against future abuse and may even believe that you don’t deserve better. 

THAT IS NOT THE TRUTH.

The truth is that you are worth so much more than they have made you feel. You can have unconditional love. You can have joy. You can have peace. Ask for help–tell someone what you’re going through and find a counselor or therapist to help you formulate a game plan. If you’re not sure where to start, or if you’d like to find out about how you’re already unconditionally loved by someone who sees you as beautiful and wonderful, chat with a Hope Coach today. We are here to listen without judgment, and we don’t condone emotional abuse. Ever. There is hope for you to have a better future.

Want to know more about emotional abuse? Here's how to identify the most common signs of emotional abuse.

As we return to school and prepare for fall and winter to hit us, it’s important to call attention to September being Suicide Prevention Month. School and colder, grayer weather bring with them lots of mental health challenges–academic and social stressors, seasonal depression, etc. Start preparing now to take care of your mental health in the months ahead and keep an eye out for signs of struggle amongst your loved ones. The CDC says that suicide ranks 3rd on the list of leading causes of death for those between the ages of 10 and 24, and the 2nd leading cause for those under the age of 35. In fact, 44% of high school students report having thoughts of suicide in the past year, so if you have two friends, it’s almost guaranteed that at least one of them, has thought about killing themselves. Being aware of your own mental wellness and being supportive of those around you could very well save a life.

How to Improve Your Mental Health

If You or Someone You Know Is Struggling Right Now

Know the resources available to you. You can chat live with a trained suicide prevention Hope Coach that is available 24 hours a day. Or dial 988 if you’re having suicidal thoughts or ideations–this number will put you in touch with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline where you’ll be connected with a trained prevention counselor. If you are in immediate danger of a suicide attempt, call 911 so that emergency personnel can come to assist you as soon as possible. These resources are always available to you, and knowing them by heart can also help you support a friend or family member in need of help.

Signs to Watch Out For

Two of the most common factors that lead to suicide in teens and young adults are drug use/addiction and untreated depression. Above all, if you are experimenting with drugs or if you feel like you may be struggling with mental health issues, seek treatment. Waiting to ask for help until things get worse could result in disaster, and you don’t deserve to feel like your life isn’t worth living. Know that if you or a loved one aren’t confronting a drug use or mental health issue, that’s like playing with fire when it comes to suicide awareness.

According to VeryWellMind, here are some other risk factors and symptoms to look out for:

• Bullying
• Health issues
• Lack of family support
• Physical or sexual abuse
• Poor social relationships
• Becoming extremely agitated, upset, depressed, and/or anxious
• Changing obvious characteristics of their personality
• Being self-destructive or engaging in risk-taking behaviors
• Changes in sleeping, eating, or other patterns
• Expressing hopelessness or a feeling of being trapped with no way out
• Extreme mood swings
• Frequently talking about death or dying
• Giving away possessions for no particular reason
• Isolation and withdrawing from social contact, especially if it's sudden
• Looking for and/or acquiring means to die by suicide, such as getting a gun or a lot of medication
• Making a point to say goodbye to people
• Saying things like, "I wish I were dead" or "I wish I had never been born"

If any of those sound familiar, it’s time to consider asking for help, whether it’s for you or for someone in your life. Don’t hesitate. The statistics aren’t lying. Risk of death by suicide is very real, and you may be able to prevent it by talking to someone before it’s too late.

How to Care for Your Mental Health

We learn at a young age that it’s important to keep our bodies in shape by eating well and exercising, whether that’s making sure you get enough veggies in your diet or joining the softball team. If our society is okay spending lots of money on gym memberships every year, why aren't we doing the same to keep our minds fit? Pay attention to your brain, just as much, if not more than you worry about your physical conditioning.

The good news is that one of the leading beneficial activities to help keep our minds healthy is exercise. You can take care of two birds with one stone, as they say! Working out can relieve tension and stress, but it also triggers the brain to produce chemicals that help it to process in healthy ways, alleviating a lot of symptoms of mental health disorders. If you’re already working out regularly, congratulations! You’re already helping yourself prevent suicide and depression. If you’re not, consider that an actionable way to help yourself. Start today! You don’t have to run a marathon–try a walk around the block. Add a couple of minutes every day. Soon, you’ll be noticing a positive impact on both your physical and mental health.

Other ways to benefit your mental health:

• Watch what you eat and drink. There is a lot of research to back up the idea that some foods and beverages can significantly impact how you think and feel, both for the better and the worse. For instance, of course, overindulging in alcohol exacerbates feelings of depression and anxiety. Even if a few drinks makes you feel better in the moment, the following day your body is forced to work overtime to replenish nutrients that were sucked out by the alcohol, leaving you exhausted and more depressed. On the other hand, eating enough protein can significantly reduce anxiety because a lack of protein can result in your body and brain feeling depleted. Do your research and choose things that will help you, not harm you.
• Prioritize sleep and rest. This might sound impossible with school, work, family, and friends all clamoring for your time. But when you ask your brain and body to function without enough time to reset and heal from the previous day’s demands, it’s no wonder you start to feel depressed, anxious, hopeless and alone. Do your best to get your 8 hours in and consider creating space in your schedule for at least an hour of additional rest per day to recharge.
• Educate yourself about self-care. It’s more than bubble baths and smoothies. It’s about building a life that prioritizes your needs and honors your limits. You need and deserve to be cared for, and nobody knows better how to care for you than you.
• Build a solid team. Who in your life do you think would rock a T-shirt that says TEAM [YOUR NAME HERE], and who would you gladly wear that T-shirt for in return? That may sound stupid or silly, but the point is to look around, assess your life, and make sure you have people who support you. That includes friends and family, but don’t forget about resources like doctors, teachers, and therapists. If you’ve ever built a D&D party, you know it’s just as important to have a healer as it is to have a fighter. Professionals got into their fields for the very purpose of helping people like you. Let them be on your team, too!

You Have a Lot of Amazing Teammates

Speaking of building a great team, we’re here for you too. At TheHopeLine, we essentially exist in order to help you and connect you to other supportive resources.

We’d be remiss if we didn’t mention that Jesus would quite literally die to be on your team, too. He spent His life spreading the idea that we are all worthy of and capable of great love and great joy, so seeing you or anyone struggling with the idea that life may not be worth living would break His heart. If you’d like to hear more about how His message is one of love, abundance, and peace, reach out to a Hope Coach today. There is no greater suicide prevention than hope, and it’s our mission to make hope accessible to you.

Feeling hopeless? You are not alone. Click here for 12 reasons to live that you may not have thought about yet to help your hopelessness.

If you’ve struggled with self-harm in the past, especially with cutting, you probably have a few scars, blemishes, or marks on your body that remind you of your darkest moments. Sometimes those scars are also a reminder to friends and family of what we’ve been through, or they spark questions from strangers when we’d rather not think about the past. Maybe you’re in the habit of covering up your cuts or scars with long sleeves, pants, or another piece of clothing so that nobody can see what you’ve done. The act of covering up your body, or the fear of showing it freely, is tied to self-hate or negative body image. How are you supposed to love the living, breathing memorial of the nights you spent hurting yourself on purpose? It can be difficult to know how to love your body when the very sight of it triggers memories of bad times, but it is possible.

How to Love Your Body After Cutting

Examine What’s at the Root of Your Self-harm

Start figuring out how to learn to love your body by confronting the deeply rooted issues that led to your self-harm in the first place. If you haven’t already, seek professional help and guidance as you try to stop cutting and recover. One of the many reasons someone might choose cutting as their form of self-harm is that it triggers a pain response in your brain that can distract from the emotional distress you’ve been feeling. Eventually, you can become dependent or even addicted to the rush or high you get from cutting. To truly recover and learn to love your body (including scars), you need to ask yourself why you’re harming yourself. Work with your friends, family, counselor or therapist, and a doctor to find a better solution for your mental health.

There’s No Shame in Healing

If your scars from past self-harm are bothering you, you’re not alone. Maybe you don’t like them because you think they’re ugly or because you think people judge you when they see them. Maybe you don’t like them because they remind you of cutting, and you hate remembering times when you were hurting. Maybe you feel embarrassed that your mental health ever reached a point where you felt self-harm was the answer. Whatever the reason that you hate your scars, at the root of this self-hate is shame.

What is shame? Shame is when you believe that past mistakes make you a lesser person. According to shame expert Brene Brown, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Instead of shaming yourself for having scars, let’s try putting your scars in context: a scar is visible proof that you and your body are capable of closing up wounds and growing new, healthy skin where there was once an injury. A scar is evidence of healing. A scar is a surefire sign that what was once painful and bloody is now strong and whole. What’s so shameful about that?

When you look at your scars without shame, your scars can become a record of your strength and resilience, instead of something to be hidden or covered up.

6 Practical Ways to Learn to Love Your Body

Now that you’ve considered your scars in a new light, you can start trying to see your body positively. It’ll be a process, but try starting with a few simple tactics:

1. Intentionally set aside time to do so. You probably won’t just wake up one morning loving your body when you’ve spent years hating it. You have to spend time retraining your brain to see things differently, and training takes time. Try choosing one day a week where you work on body positivity. That could look like taking yourself shopping for a new shirt, choosing short sleeves instead of long, or just taking fifteen minutes to look at yourself in the mirror while you recite positive affirmations.

2. Catch yourself when you’re having a shame-driven thought. Learn to identify when you’re feeling ashamed and shut down that thought pattern as soon as you notice it. Prepare some statements to replace the shame, like “my scars show that I’m healing,” “there’s nothing wrong with scars,” or “I’m just as beautiful with scars as without.”

3. Give your body what you think a “lovable” body deserves. Sometimes pretending is a powerful tool. Imagine how you think a person with a “beautiful body” would treat themselves, and make a decision to treat YOUR body that way for an hour, week, or even month. Showing your body and your mind that you deserve good food, exercise, rest, fun, and generally positive things can help you see yourself in a different light until eventually you realize that you are actually the one with the beautiful body.

4. Create something new to look at. If, after some time and practice with body-positive exercises, you still aren’t comfortable with your scars, consider reclaiming your body by adding something new and beautiful. There are many tattoo artists who specialize in art that covers scarring. This is a big decision, so make sure you consider it carefully and over the course of some time. It’s usually recommended that you wait a year before you get a tattoo to see if you still want it before you get it permanently added to your body, and if you’re under 18, you’ll need your parent’s support and permission as well. Make sure you choose this as a self-affirming act of love, rather than another way of hiding what you’ve been through.

5. Ask for support. Loving our bodies is hard no matter what we’ve been through because we live in a society that sells us the lie that we’re not good enough unless we buy certain products, join certain gyms, or try certain diets. Even if they don’t understand self-harm, those who love you almost certainly understand the battle of learning to love your body as is. Don’t be afraid to talk to them, seek professional help, or reach out to a Hope Coach if you’re struggling.

6. Practice. Nothing will turn you into a person who loves their body after you do it once. You have to practice. Over time, you may find that you see yourself and your scars differently.

Guess Who Else Has Scars

Jesus is an expert on scars. Though His scars weren’t self-inflicted, He did choose them when He chose to be a martyr of the Roman Empire. He knows what it is to look at His body and see permanent marks that remind Him of great pain. If you feel alone in your struggle with cutting scars, call out to Him. Know that He hears you and understands your feelings in an intimate way. He is no stranger to having a body that bears the marks of the past, and He doesn’t see you as ruined or dirty because of your scars. His is a message of healing and love, so don’t be afraid to turn to him as you heal and learn to love yourself too.

If you want to talk to someone about how to recover from self-harm, reach out to one of our Hope Coaches today! We listen without judgment, so you don’t have to be ashamed of your scars with us. We want to support and see you learn to love the beautiful, wonderful creation that you are.

If you're still struggling with self-harm issues, learn how to manage your mental health with these resources.

Whether you’re about to start your freshman year, or you’re heading off to do your first semester of on-campus classes, making new friends in a new environment is no easy task. When you’re searching for “your place” in the college world, other people’s approval feels even more important than it used to. What if you don’t go to that party? Will any of those people invite you out ever again? What if you don’t feel like drinking? Will everyone write you off as “lame” or “no fun”? What if you don’t feel like having sex? Will the guy you’ve been seeing tell everyone you’re weird or prudish? It’s tempting to just behave however you think your new “friends” want you to, in hopes that they stick around. But are they really your friends if they don’t know the real you?

How to Handle Peer Pressure

What Is Peer Pressure

Peer pressure is when you feel influenced to make a decision based on what you perceive to be the expectations of your friend group or social norms. This can look like one of your friends handing you a beer without asking you if you want it. Or it can look like you thinking, “I really need to hit the gym, because all the influencers on TikTok are ripped.” In person or through social media, the pressure to measure up to expectations can be overwhelming.

It’s important to note that there can be incidents of positive peer pressure. If, for instance, you follow a lot of mental health professionals on social media, you may feel like the current social norm is taking good care of mental health. That’s a positive influence. On the other hand, peer pressure is famously linked to participation in risky behaviors like using drugs and alcohol just because “that’s what everyone in college does.” When your choices are being influenced from every direction, how do you handle peer pressure as a college student?

10 Ways to Handle Peer Pressure

1. Know yourself. You usually feel peer pressure when the social norm or your friend’s behaviors are at odds with your own values. If it makes you uncomfortable to “just hang out” at a party where something illegal is going on in the next room, that’s because you don’t want to be associated with that activity. Before you’re in that situation, think through what your values are. What’s important to you? What do you need in order to be your best? What experiences do you want to have or to avoid in order to make sure you’re being true to yourself? It’s important to prepare yourself to make tough decisions so that you don’t end up just “going with the flow” or blindly following your friends.

2. Establish clear boundaries and don’t ignore red flags. The early days of a new friendship can be a blast as you discover all the things you have in common with each other. After a while though, make sure that the friendship develops into a healthy one. Do you feel drained after hanging out or recharged? Do you feel safe and comfortable saying “no” to this person? Do you feel that they respect your time and your feelings? Make it clear from the get-go that you have your own wants and needs, and if you find that difficult to do in a particular friendship, reconsider whether or not that person is good friend material.

3. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. If you’ve made friends in your dorm, that’s great! But don’t stop there. Stay open to friendships in other areas of your life too. If you start friendships in the dorm, in film club, and in bio lab, you won’t have to worry about ending up “friendless” when you’re making a hard choice between being true to yourself or continuing to hang out with one friend group. If, however, all your friend groups are pretty healthy, you’ll just have lots of good friends! Who wouldn’t love that?

4. Choose settings that align with who you are. What activities do you love? If you were on the soccer team in high school, consider checking out your campus intramural sports teams. If you love to paint, take an art class. If your faith is important to you, see if there are any student groups that represent your religion or denomination. Once you’re there, the making friends part is up to you.

5. Choose settings that align with who you want to be. College is a place of preparation. Even if you’re not sure what to study or haven’t figured out what to do after graduation, try thinking about the kind of person you want to be. If you want to be a person who helps others, consider joining a campus club that volunteers for local charities. If you want to be an athletic person, join the rowing team or a running club. If you don’t want to be a person who makes others feel bad, and your art department friends are all mean people, consider hanging out with them less. The more you hang around people who exhibit characteristics you don’t want to have, the more likely you are to become someone you don’t want to be.

6. Cultivate a relationship with yourself. Spend time alone from time to time. Do something you enjoy like listening to music, sketching, journaling, exploring a new part of town, or hanging out at a good coffee shop. Protecting your alone time is a great way to give yourself space to reflect on how your life’s going and decide to make adjustments when necessary. If you spend every waking minute with your friends or working, you won’t have much time to notice your true feelings.

7. Remember why you’re here. College can be a place where you make lifelong friends, but you can do that anywhere. The reason you are in college is to receive an education and degree. Of course, it’ll be more fun to be a successful student with friends to hang out with along the way, but if you run into a friend group that doesn’t feel right or you have to choose between your friends and being true to yourself, it’s important to remember that your purpose here is to study. You can find friends outside of college if the right people don’t seem to be around.

8. Don’t isolate yourself. When you’re experiencing peer pressure, it might feel like the only way to protect yourself is to simply have no peers to pressure you. Keeping to yourself and having nobody to go to isn’t healthy either. Talk to trustworthy people about your struggles, whether those are old friends, family members, or professionals.

9. Seek professional support. Coping with peer pressure on top of your classes and, you know, life in general, can feel impossible. In fact, peer pressure is one of the leading causes of anxiety in college students. Seeing a counselor or talking to a therapist can help you sort through all the overwhelming feelings and decisions you face as a student, so don’t be afraid to ask for help.

10. Remind yourself of how God sees you. In Christ you are a trusted and valuable friend who deserves grace and forgiveness when you make mistakes. Let that sink in. Let that help you feel secure in the face of peer pressure.

You Don’t Have to Earn Acceptance

In Christ’s love, you can feel safe and secure, loved and accepted, at peace and full of hope. With His abiding love behind you, there is no social situation that can shake your identity. You don’t have to be afraid that choosing to be yourself will cost you your friends and reputation. If you need someone to talk to about a peer pressure situation, or if you want to know more about God’s acceptance, chat with a Hope Coach today. We’re always here to listen without judgment and help you know that you’re never alone.

Are you feeling frustrated about how much your friend calls, texts, and leans on you during a hard time? If so, here's what to do if a friendship makes you feel drained.

When it comes to talking about abortion, there’s no such thing as an “easy” decision. The rhetoric you hear on the news, at home, or in school is all about women’s right to choose, conception vs. heartbeats, and The Supreme Court, but nobody seems to be talking about the practical matter of what to do after you’ve already had an abortion. At TheHopeLine, we understand that if you’ve recently undergone a procedure to terminate pregnancy, you didn’t make that choice lightly. We’re here to listen to your story without judgment and connect you with resources that can support you in recovery after abortion, because no matter the politics, you deserve to heal your mind, body and soul.

How to Recover Emotionally After an Abortion

Helping Your Mind Recover From an Abortion

During your recovery period after abortion, you may feel a wide range of emotions like relief, grief, regret, anger, loneliness and more–and you may feel them all at once! No matter your circumstances, abortion is a significant life event, and anything that big takes a serious mental toll. On top of that, the chemical balance in your brain is impacted by the hormonal shifts you’ve gone through can lead to depression, so it’s key to take care of your mental health at this time. We recommend finding healthy ways to care for your mind, such as:

• Counseling or therapy to help you process your situation in a healthy way. A good counselor will be able to hold space for you, listen to your story, and help guide you in your mental health journey.
• Journaling to help you make sense of everything you’re feeling. Feeling relief? Write about why. Feeling Sad? Write about why. Feeling angry? Write about why. Feeling grief? You guessed it… write about why.
• Consulting a physician about prolonged feelings of depression or anxiety. You may need medication or other health care to move forward in your abortion recovery process.
• Protect yourself from having to make this decision again. Talk to your doctor about different forms of birth control that could be right for you or use protection when you choose to have sex in the future. Keep in mind that birth control isn’t 100% effective and abstinence is a totally acceptable choice.

Whatever you’re feeling post-abortion, it’s valid! Just like your body, your mind has gone through a lot and needs rest and recovery. Do what you can to pour into your mental health for a while.

Helping Your Body Recover From an Abortion

Whether you took pills to medically induce your abortion or went into a clinic for a surgical procedure, you are probably experiencing some physical side effects. Here’s some info about what your body might go through in the next few days and how to take care of yourself:

• Bleeding is the main side effect of either method. It could begin immediately or may not show up for a few days. It could look like spotting or be as heavy as a period. You may even notice small blood clots, tissue, and other discharge. It could last anywhere from 2-6 weeks after your abortion. You can use sanitary pads, tampons, or menstrual cups to your comfort level. If you’re concerned that you’re bleeding too much, call your doctor.
• Another main side effect will be cramping as your uterus begins to shrink down to its pre-pregnancy size. This could just be annoying or may feel like heavy period pain, but either way, it’s important you take correct doses of ibuprofen, avoiding aspirin as it could cause more bleeding. You can also use a hot water bottle or a heating pad to soothe cramps or try massaging your abdomen for 10 minutes.
• Nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea are also common side effects, whether it’s coming from the hormonal changes your body is experiencing or the antibiotics your doctor might have prescribed to prevent infection. Make sure to keep your body hydrated with water and tea if you're nauseated and follow instructions about taking medicines with/without food. If you’re concerned that your nausea is getting out of hand, call your doctor.
• It’s common to feel fatigued in the days and weeks after the procedure–your body has been through a lot! One day you were pregnant, and the next you weren’t, which means lots of hormonal changes are happening, in addition to the emotional toll an abortion decision and process can take. Make sure to prioritize rest for the next several weeks. 
• See your doctor if: You’re experiencing prolonged heavy bleeding such as bleeding through two maxi pads per hour for two hours in a row OR one pad per hour for three hours in a row, passing blood clots larger than the size of a lemon, experiencing severe abdominal pain that doesn’t feel like cramping, running a fever of 100.4 or higher, or noticing a particularly smelly discharge. Any of these things could be a sign of infection or other complications, which are rare but important to catch quickly.

Women report a wide range of experiences with abortion side effects. The important thing to remember is to take it slow, listen to your body, and don’t push yourself too hard or wait to ask questions about what you’re feeling. Now, take a deep breath, put your feet up, and ask your body what it needs.

Helping Your Soul Recover From an Abortion

This is the part where we tell you that self-care is crucial to abortion healing. It’s true! While it won’t be as simple as lighting a candle and drawing up a bubble bath, self-care after an abortion is about getting centered and connecting with what makes you you. Your body and mind are important tools that make your life possible, but there wouldn’t be much life to live without you, your soul, your unique self. These are, of course, always great ideas for any time in life, but here are some ways to tend to your soul’s wellbeing after abortion:

• Lean on your support network. Think of the people you love, who love you, and may even be the reason you wake up in the morning. Don’t keep this experience from them. Tell your story because keeping it bottled up is not healthy. If you feel safe, share what you’re going through and ask for their help.
• Join a support group of people who have personally experienced abortion. Saveone.org has safe and non-judgmental groups across the country. Find a location near you SaveOne.org.
• Lean on your faith. Even if you feel as if your decision to have an abortion goes against your faith. Even if you feel guilt and shame because of your convictions. If you are having regrets, remember that God forgives. He is a God of mercy and grace. He sent His son Jesus to take on our sins so that all who believe in Him are forgiven. God still loves you. If you are feeling the need for forgiveness, pray to God and ask Him to forgive you. As you search for peace as you process the gravity of abortion, spend time in prayer and scriptures that remind you of how Christ sees you.
• Create something or find an activity that brings you joy. Using your mind and body to bring something new into the world can be healing, so pay attention as you move throughout your day. If anything grabs your attention or inspires you, find a way to show gratitude or turn it into art.

Where to Find Help After Abortion

If you are struggling with any part of the post-abortion process, there is help available to you! We’ve gathered some resources here for you, but you can also chat with one of our Hope Coaches.

• You can call H3lpline 24/7 at (866) 721-7881.
• StandUpGirl recommends several other support options, including an abortion support chat.
• Explore the resources available on TheHopeLine's website.

Remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We want to help you, as do those who love you and so many organizations dedicated to helping you heal after this big decision. If you’re not sure where to start, or you want to hear more about that peace, love, joy, and understanding we mentioned earlier, please reach out to TheHopeLine today. We’re here to show you there’s always hope!

Waiting until marriage to have sex is often considered an old-fashioned idea, but lately experts are wondering if the idea of “free love” or “casual sex” needs to fall out of fashion too. If you find yourself questioning the idea that sex is never wrong, as long as it’s between two consenting adults, you’re not alone.

The past couple of decades have seen a major fight to make consent a required element of sexual encounters, but it’s important to remember that mere consent was never supposed to be the entire conversation. Sure, at minimum, you should have the consent of and be equally consenting to a potential sexual partner. But so much goes into our individual ideas of sex and intimacy that can’t be communicated with a simple “yes” or “no,” which is why studies are showing that more and more young people are waiting to have sex, despite the casual hookup culture portrayed in porn and on TV.

What to Know About Casual Sex

Consent Is the Bare Minimum

So if you’ve been feeling weird about the hookup expectations in your friend group or school, you’re not the only one. In her essay called “Consent is not enough. We need a new sexual ethic,” Christine Emba shares conversations she’s had with young people who have grown tired of casual sex culture. It’s not that they feel judged–the stigma against casual sex has largely dissipated outside of religious circles–it’s that they don’t feel satisfied. Though they’re consenting to everything they’ve done, something just doesn’t feel “right.”

How could that be? Hookup and casual sex culture are the norm, due to the sexual revolution. Society fought for years to be freed of a more rigid sexual ethic, but is it working? As long as there are two consenting adults, what’s wrong with casual sex? Emba says, “This is the problem with consent: It leaves so much out. Nonconsensual sex is always wrong, full stop. But that doesn’t mean consensual sex is always right. Even sex that is agreed to can be harmful to an individual, their partner or to society at large.”

The Myth of Meaningless Sex

If the young adults out there engaging in consensual, casual sex grow tired of it, why are we still so obsessed with hookup culture as the ultimate expression of sexual liberation? Emba thinks it’s because we’ve been fooled by a fantasy: “It’s a depressing state of affairs — turbocharged by pornography, which has mainstreamed ever more extreme sexual acts, and the proliferation of dating apps, which can make it seem as though new options are around every corner.”

Basically, porn and the abundance of dating/hookup apps have tricked us into thinking that hookup culture is way more common than it really is, which misleads young adults into “engaging in sexual encounters they don’t really want for reasons they don’t fully agree with,” just because it seems like the “normal” thing to do. On top of that, studies are showing that watching porn can result in increased aggression during sex, an unhealthy body image, and a decrease in sexual satisfaction.

It’s important to remember that societal norms are not necessarily based in reality, and our perceptions are often skewed by the entertainment we consume. The fact is that sex does mean something to us, whether or not hookup culture says it’s meaningless. Otherwise, we wouldn’t universally acknowledge the amount of harm it can do when it’s misused. It is not meaningless, nor is it truly casual, and the ways you choose to go about it matter.

When You Don’t Want to Have Sex

Suddenly, saving sex for marriage or other commited relationship isn’t the old-fashioned path anymore. Instead of accepting the idea that sex is always okay, unless it’s a crime, let’s consider if sex could sometimes actually be the wrong thing to do. When would it actively cause harm?

• When any participant in the act has not given or cannot give enthusiastic consent. Consent can be amended at any point before, during, or after the sexual encounter.
• When you don’t feel like it’s in your best interest, even if you’re tempted to consent because of peer pressure, politeness, fear, embarrassment, etc. Even if you’re kind of willing to consent, is sex with this person or at this time really what you want? 
• When you don’t feel like it’s in your potential partner’s best interest, due to an imbalance of power, sobriety, emotional involvement, etc. Yes, that means it’s wrong to have sex when you know you’re misleading someone who has feelings for you. Even if they’re consenting, is proceeding with a sexual encounter the kindest choice you can make for this person’s well-being? 
• When you know that committing this act will be an act of betrayal that could cause emotional trauma or heartbreak with someone who trusts you or your potential partner. Yes, that means that cheating is wrong.

Other Drawbacks to Casual Sex

What about when it’s not blatantly wrong? Emba remarks that we now live in “a world in which young people are both liberated and miserable.” Studies are showing that engaging in casual sex when it doesn’t truly align with your values can have a seriously negative impact on your life. You might feel:

• Regretful
• Depressed
• Used
• Embarrassed
• Hurt 
• Unfulfilled
• Ashamed

Continuously participating in hookup culture when you really want meaningful intimacy, or when you have different expectations of each encounter than your partners do, can take a toll on your mental health, chipping away at your self-esteem, and increasing your chances of stress, anxiety, and even depression. In a world where “casual” sex is the societal norm, it can be difficult to wait or to tell your partner that you want to wait, but ultimately waiting may be better for your mental health.

A New Way of Looking at Sex

In the casual sex world, you’re encouraged to “do what feels good for you,” which is a decent sentiment in some ways. In the “no means no” world, you’re instructed to get consent, above all else–as long as there’s consent, you’re covered. But we’ve just covered how the concepts of casual sex and consent still leave something out when it comes to a sexual ethic.

What if it’s time for a framework that isn’t as… well… Selfish? Instead of only thinking about whether you’re satisfied, you’re liberated, or you’re doing anything “wrong,” consider that your sex life is not just about you. What about your potential partners?

What if we started genuinely caring about the well-being of our sex partners, whether you’re romantically involved with them or not. Ask yourself if initiating or participating in a sexual encounter with them is truly, in good faith and to the best of your ability, the best way you can care for this human being at the moment.

Conscientious Sex

Christ calls us to treat others with the same kind of deep love and respect that He gives to us. In fact, “love one another” is considered one of His most imperative instructions. He’s not the only one who encourages this approach to life either. Scholars like Plato and Aristotle also talk about walking into every situation “willing the good of the other,” which as Emba points out, just might lead to less casual sex, since it’s awfully difficult to know what’s good for someone without, well, knowing them.

“Less casual sex” might sound boring, judgy, or like a step “backward,” but ultimately it seems to be the way young people are leaning more and more as they reflect on what truly matters to them–choosing only to have sex when it aligns with your values and won’t contribute to harmful aspects of casual sex culture. If you too are considering whether or not you want to participate in casual sex culture, or even wrestling with pornography addiction, reach out to a Hope Coach. We’re always here to listen without judgment and remind you that you’re loved, no matter what you’re wrestling with.

For more about sex and intimacy read, "Why Do I Have a Sex Drive?"