Posts by TheHopeLine Team

Taking Steps Toward Greater Honesty

Over the years, I've counseled people many times on how to break free from addictive behaviors that harm them and their relationships. If you were to guess what we talked about, you might think of substance abuse, pornography, or self-harm. Those things come up often, but there's another addictive behavior that I hear about in my work, and can be just as destructive to our self-esteem, and our ability to have healthy relationships.

To stop lying and start telling the truth, it's important to understand lying for the addictive behavior it is. Treating it this way, rather than as a simple mistake or personality flaw, will be key in greater honesty. Changing your mindset about lying, and your understanding of the role it plays in your life and relationships, will help you understand how to change the behavior itself, and start living more honestly.

It is hard to stop lying if it's been a pattern in your relationships for a long time. But there is hope to stop, and you can start that journey today. Here are some of the steps and suggestions that have helped people I care about stop lying in the past. I believe they'll help you, too.

Understand the Addictive Cycle of Lying

When and why does lying become an addiction? Like other addictive behaviors, people who lie feel stuck in a harmful cycle. The cycle always starts off with the high that you get from the behavior. In this case, it's an emotional high. 

When you tell a lie, you probably feel a deep, strong sense of relief that you were able to get through a conversation without a painful or difficult truth being discovered. And perhaps the other person doesn't suspect anything yet, so it seems like no harm is done, and that feels even better. 

So, you keep telling lies. But it gets more and more difficult to feel good after lying. The more lies you tell, the harder they are to maintain, and the more stress and anxiety it causes you. So, it becomes less and less satisfying, and you start to feel trapped. Lying may have already led to conflicts, arguments, and broken relationships, but you're so overwhelmed and unsure where to start fixing things that you tell yourself and others, you're fine, or that it’s not a big deal. That only adds to the dishonesty, without relieving any of your emotional pain.

Be Honest with Yourself: Lying Is a Problem

If you feel trapped in a cycle like the one, I described, or if you feel like you're starting to lose control of the lies you've told, it's important to get help for lying as soon as you can. That help and freedom are there, and it can start today. But it has to start with you. You are the only one who can change how truthful you are with yourself and others. That's why it's so important to be honest with yourself:

• How do you feel after you lie?
• How do you feel when someone close to you discovers you haven't been telling the truth?
• How do you feel when you realize it's getting harder to keep track of lies you've told?
• How would you feel if you could be honest with yourself and others? 
• How would your self-esteem and relationships be transformed and strengthened if you started telling the truth?

Answering these questions helps show the damage lying does to relationships. When you truly believe other choices are better and healthier for you, you can start practicing intentional honesty each day by telling the truth, breaking harmful patterns, and setting new expectations in your life and relationships.

Think About Why You Keep Lying

I believe people are kind and caring. Deep in people's hearts is a desire to do the right thing, and to have loving, happy relationships with their friends, their family, and their significant other. And I believe the best about you, too. 

So, I don't think you're lying because you enjoy it, because you don't care about others, or because you think lying is the right thing to do. But there are likely other reasons you lie that are based on deeper needs you have and fears you feel. 

Think about why you're lying. Understanding what drives any behavior we want to change is key to addressing it and stopping it. Here are some of the reasons you might be telling lies, even though you don't want to:

• You feel protected or safer: You might be telling lies because you are afraid of what will happen if you're truthful, so you say something false instead of opening up or being honest.
• You are afraid to disappoint others: Sometimes we let people down, and that can leave us with a deep sense of guilt, or even shame. Is your fear of disappointing others' high expectations keeping you from being honest with them?
• You have broken a promise: If you've broken a promise, it is very difficult to take responsibility for your role in that. When you know a friend, partner, or parent will be deeply disappointed, it may be more tempting to lie.

Tell People When You Aren't Truthful

This is a difficult step, but a necessary one to overcoming lying and breaking free of its grip in your relationships. It's important, when you tell people you haven't been truthful, that you do so clearly and directly. Tell them you haven't been honest, let them know what the truth is, and ask for their forgiveness.

For example:

"I wasn't truthful with you the other day when you asked me if work is going well. I had an argument with my boss and I'm afraid I might lose my job. Please forgive me for lying about that. I will do my best to honest from here on out."

Keep this part of the conversation short and simple. Understand that people will likely be upset but know that their sadness or frustration doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. Many times, when people love and care about us, they are forgiving, even if it takes a bit of time for them to feel comfortable doing so. Give them time and space and let them know you're available when they're ready to talk.

Be Open About Needs and Expectations

If you are lying because you are afraid of what will happen if you tell the truth, you can let people you care about know that you are fearful of letting them down, of opening up, or of frustrating them. Maybe you feel like their expectations of you are unrealistic, or maybe you're worried about their anger. Try telling them how you feel. 

Saying, "I feel a lot of pressure to be perfect and I don't want to let you down, so I don't know what to say when I mess up", or "I'm scared you'll be angry if I make a mistake. Can we talk about it?" will go a lot farther toward strengthening your relationships with people than telling lies will.

Be Patient with Yourself

I am really proud of you for wanting to work on stopping lying, and for wanting to break free of its traps. Even though it's difficult, it's worth it. Honesty will give you a greater sense of confidence and trust in your relationships, and the positive impact of being truthful can really help your self-esteem.

But some days will be hard. It will be tough to come to terms with how lying has harmed your relationships. Don't give up in those moments. Remember you were created for loving, meaningful relationships, and they can be a part of your life, even if getting there is a struggle. If it helps you to think about God, know He forgives us completely. He wants us to start fresh every day with hope and promise. And He puts people in our path who can help us get to a place of greater freedom and truth.

How I Found Hope from Suicidal Thoughts After My Breakup

I went through a bad breakup. I was totally broken and devastated. I am an only child to my parents, however, none of this came to my mind when I was suicidal. I searched for an easy, painless death on Google and found Thehopeline chat. I was skeptical at first...but I finally pressed the chat button on the website.

My HopeCoach Calmed Me Down

A woman spoke to me in a very calming way. First, she calmed me down. Then she knocked some sense into me that gave me a reality check. She gave me some suggestions on how to deal with my problem and I felt good for a moment.

The Words that Stopped Me

Then she proceeded with " I don't know what your faith is but is it okay if I say a small prayer for you?" I said OK. She prayed for me then proceeded with "Don't worry. Life changes but you need to have perseverance. Never give up on this life." Those words stopped me that day and changed my life! There are still a few moments where I feel weak, and I've wanted to give up but let me remind you of this. You need to water yourself to stand straight even under the direct Sun. Take as much water as you need every day.

Someone is Praying for You

Also, now that I told my mom about my suicide attempts, she started praying for people who are suffering from anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses. Remember this! Someone who doesn't even know you by your name is praying for you. She's praying for you everyday day and night. You're blessed to have someone in your life who is praying for you.  Never give up on your life! - Anne

Do You Need Help for a Broken Heart or Suicidal Thoughts?

If you are struggling after a breakup or feeling suicidal, like Anne, you are not alone. We are here to listen and help you with what is going on in your life. Chat online with a HopeCoach for a free, non-judgmental, live chat with a real person.
If you are at the end of your rope, there are suicide hotlines and other resources available at this link – Suicide Help.

Resources for a Broken Heart: 

• Here are some ways to help you get over a bad breakup: 5 Tips for Getting Over a Bad Breakup.
• Counselor's Corner: Watch this video from a licensed counselor on "How do I get over a broken heart?"
• Free eBook from TheHopeLine: Getting Over a Broken Heart 

Resources for Suicidal Thoughts:

• When you have lost hope and believe suicide is the only way out, please try these four ideas. 
• Contact our partner, Centerstone, Crisis Support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Their Crisis Response Team is highly trained and compassionate. All calls are confidential.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. For a list of crisis centers around the world and additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Hate is defined as an “intense, passionate dislike” between people. Individuals can hate other individuals, or groups can form based on their hatred of people they perceive as different from them.

Perhaps you’ve been treated hatefully by someone else, or you’ve seen a friend or family member be treated that way. And perhaps someone has told you that you shouldn’t hate that person back. But how do you do that if you’re still healing from the pain of hatred? Here are some steps you can take to respond to hate with love.

How to Love a Hateful Person

 

1. Understand Why Love is Important

Since hate is such a destructive, toxic force in society and relationships, responding to hate with love is a powerful way to break the cycle of harm and abuse that hatred can often bring with it.

Loving actions often have a way of disarming people. Being treated lovingly by someone from whom they expected hate may surprise them. Maybe your actions will interrupt their plans for more harmful words or behavior. Maybe it will diffuse some of their aggression. Maybe it will help them think about the consequences of continuing to harm someone who has been kind to them for their own emotions, their conscience, or their reputation.

Being loving instead of retaliating also frees you from starting or continuing a cycle of harm. When deciding to love, you are releasing yourself from the rage and bitterness that fuels retaliation and leaving room for healing and growth.

2. Follow the Example of Radically Loving People

Many leaders throughout history have adopted this philosophy and had a great impact on the people around them. If you need inspiration or courage when learning how to respond to hate with love, learn about loving people and follow their example.

• “Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.” - Mahatma Gandhi
• “Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”- Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
• “Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”- Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount

Aside from historical figures and religious leaders, you can probably find examples to follow in your own life. If someone you admire is a very loving and forgiving person, ask them for help as you try responding to hate with love.

3. Remember: Love Isn’t a Feeling

Many people may bristle at the idea of responding to hate with love because they think to love someone is to have warm, fuzzy feelings about them, or to approve of everything they do. But love isn’t a feeling. Love is a decision you make and an action you take. There are lots of loving things you can do for people who hate you that won’t put you in a position where you have to be okay with what they did or get close to them if you’re not ready or don’t feel safe. Loving someone who hates you could mean doing things like:

• Telling them the truth about how their actions affect others.
• Interrupting or stopping harmful words and behavior when they are happening to someone around you.
• Holding someone accountable for their decision to say and do harmful things. [You can do this with the help of a school administrator, a work supervisor, a guidance counselor, or a peer mediator.]

4. Practice the Golden Rule

You’ve probably heard the Golden Rule before: Treat others the way you would have them treat you.

If you had the choice, you wouldn’t want the person or people doing hurtful things continuing to harm people with their words and actions. While you can’t control their behavior, you do have control over what you do.

Choosing to be loving instead of hateful models how you want to be treated for people around you. It shows others that hate, rage, and bullying aren’t the only options when they’ve been harmed or mistreated. You can have a clear conscience because you aren’t adding to the immense amount of unkindness in the world. You are choosing to make a different kind of impact by changing the world around you for the better.

5. Give Yourself Time

It’s important to give yourself time as you try responding to hate with love. Doing so is a lifelong process, and it doesn’t happen in a straight line. Some days, you’re not going to act in the most loving and forgiving ways toward people who hurt you. That’s okay. No one is perfect.

You don’t have to beat yourself up if you don’t love people exactly how you’d hoped to, and it doesn’t mean nothing you’ve done matters. Just decide you will act in love next time. Instead of thinking “I have to be loving toward everyone who has ever hated me or anyone else”, which will get overwhelming quickly, try breaking it down into choosing acts of love and forgiveness, one day at a time.

6. Get Support from People Who Understand

One of the things to remember if you’re making the decision to respond to hate with love is that it’s not a popular choice. Yes, people share those quotes by Martin Luther King and Gandhi and Jesus all the time. But imitating that kind of radical love is a lot more difficult than sharing their quotes on social media. Not everyone will understand your desire to love people who hate. Some people, meaning well, will try to encourage you to fight fire with fire, or to “give them a taste of their own medicine”. It’s important not to be swayed by that. You’ll need to get support from like-minded people who understand why you want to respond to hate with love, and who respect and support your efforts to do so. When things seem difficult or overwhelming, go to these people for support. That could mean talking to a leader at your faith community, getting advice from a friend or family member who's loving and forgiving nature you admire, or talking to a HopeCoach who is trained to offer guidance on how to love your enemies in a healthy way. Whatever you decide, know you are not alone in this journey. There are many people working to respond to hate with love. And every act of love you attempt will make an impact, even if you can’t see it right away.

Are you struggling with the conflict that is going on in the world? Are you confused about how to respond? Discover the most important question to ask yourself first.

About the Author: Brooks Gibbs is a school psychologist who has spent 20 years helping students of all ages manage their emotions and solve their social problems. His online training videos have been translated into 20 languages and amassed more than 250 million views.

OSFED Is the Most Common Eating Disorder

OSFED stands for Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder – This is a classification given to a person who has symptoms of disordered eating or an eating disorder but does not present with all the symptoms of anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or binge eating disorder. For example, OSFED may be used with someone who presents with symptoms of anorexia nervosa but don’t have “low body weight” or someone could have all symptoms of bulimia nervosa but don’t experience the frequency of binging/purging needed to be diagnosed with bulimia.

The following are some examples of presentations that would be given a diagnosis of OSFED:

• Atypical Anorexia Nervosa – The person would present with the behaviors of anorexia but without the low body weight.
• Bulimia Nervosa of lower frequency than required to meet a diagnosis of bulimia nervosa.
• Binge Eating Disorder of lower frequency than required to meet a diagnosis of binge eating disorder
• Purging Disorder – Unlike bulimia nervosa, the person will purge without bingeing.
• Night Eating Syndrome – People who struggle with eating a significant amount after dinner, sometimes waking up to eat.

Signs and Symptoms

OSFED is the most common eating disorder. People of all gender identities, sexual orientations, races, cultural and economic backgrounds can be affected by these eating disorders. Many experience very disordered eating habits, an intense fear of weight gain, a distorted body image and are overly conscious about their weight and body shape.

Physical signs may include weight change, dehydration, low energy, moodiness, a compromised immune system due to nutrient deficiency and amenorrhea (absence of a menstrual period). Psychological signs can include a preoccupation with food and body shape, dissatisfaction with body shape and weight and heightened anxiety levels or stress around mealtimes. Dieting behaviors, eating unusual food combinations, or at unusual times like waking up in the night to eat, avoiding social events, compulsive exercising and obsessive or ritualistic behavior regarding food and eating are also signs of OSFED.

People suffering from OSFED can experience similar complications to those diagnosed with other eating disorders. Kidney failure, osteoporosis, irregular heartbeat, decreased fertility and inflammation of the esophagus are all potential problems for those that suffer from OSFED.

Some people hold the mistaken belief that OSFED is less serious or feel less entitled to receive help than those who meet the full criteria for anorexia or bulimia. OSFED can be every bit as serious as anorexia nervosa in the areas of eating pathology, physical complications, and other mental health problems such as depression and anxiety. If you or a loved one meets some but not all of the criteria for anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder, it is still important to seek help. Similarly, if a medical professional has told you that your problems are not severe enough to warrant help, do not stop there. If you are struggling with eating and body image issues, it is serious enough to get support.

Treatment For Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorders

Recovery is possible and seeking support with a treatment team consisting of a medical doctor, licensed therapist, and registered dietitian who specializes in eating disorders is recommended. It is never too late to seek treatment. Many who have struggled with eating and body image issues for years and decades have been able to make a full recovery. All eating disorders, at any weight, are serious, potentially deadly and can have long-term complications if they remain untreated. If you are concerned that yourself or someone you know is suffering from OSFED it is vitally important that professional treatment is sought as soon as possible.

This article was originally published at Mirror Mirror Eating Disorder Help.

Read Aly's Story: 
Aly was struggling with OSFED when she chatted with TheHopeLine. With higher body weight, she didn't fit the typical profile for someone with anorexia. She felt no one listened or understood her struggle with food. Read how Aly's struggle with OSFED started and how it progressed over the years to a point where she was ready to end it all. 

Changing Thought Patterns

Do you put yourself down all the time? Do you need help to counteract all the negative self-talk? Take a chance and read through this list of ways you can increase your self-esteem. As you read through it you will see there are many traps that you may be falling into with your thought patterns and actions. Most likely these negative thought patterns are lowering your self-respect.  We challenge you to apply these tips to work towards a healthier self-image today.

Practical Ways to Boost Your Self-Worth

1. Don’t let other people’s thoughts about you shape who you are. What others have said or done to you does not define you.

2. Don’t speak badly about yourself. You will soon believe what you say.  Tell yourself this truth: “I am a person worth loving and respecting.”

3. Don’t change who you are simply to gain someone else’s approval or friendship.  You have something to offer the world just the way you are. Be true to yourself.

4. Don’t violate your own moral code. You will disrespect yourself for lowering your own values.  Remember this: “If you think better, you will act better.  And if you act better you will feel better.”

5. Increase your knowledge.  Develop interests and passions.  As you explore all the different opportunities this world has to offer, you will learn more about yourself and discover what you love.

6. Be Responsible. Just doing what you need to do will cause your self-respect to sky-rocket.  Do your homework, chores, show up on time, etc.

7. See yourself as God sees you. God’s crazy about you!  In fact, the Bible says He can’t stop thinking about you. 

“How precious are your thoughts about me, O God? They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them, they outnumber the grains of sand!” PSALM 139:17

8. Respect others.

9. Be Friendly. Friendly people are never miserable people.

10. Don’t Lie. When you continually tell the truth you give yourself the priceless gift of a clear conscience.

If you need to talk about your self-worth issues, a Hope Coach is ready to listen. You deserve to be heard and understood.

If you are struggling with self-talk that leads you to hate yourself, please read  "5 Things to Think and Do When You Hate Yourself.

Each Year, I Reflect on a Common Question

Each year for the last 18 years, I find myself reflecting on a question I get asked often as a former sex addict and now sex addiction recovery mentor:

“Can you really be free from porn?”

It’s a valid question. After all, it seems that there are far more people these days who struggle with porn and habitual sexual sin than there are former addicts like me who are living in freedom. That should be no surprise to anyone given the sex-saturated culture we live in today, right?

So, what’s the answer? Is lasting freedom really possible, or is it just a pipe dream?

So, there are some things you need to know before starting out or continuing on your journey to freedom. To help illustrate these key points, I’d first like to share my story with you.

A False Sense of Freedom

For most of my life, I never thought of myself as a person living in bondage. From the time I was first exposed to porn at age 11, I spent more time pursuing porn and sex than I did avoiding it.

While it started off as a “shiny new object” that grabbed my attention, my relationship with pornography and all things sexual changed often over time. It reshaped my core beliefs and objectified my view of myself and others along the way.

As for my relationship with God, I decided not to involve Him in that part of my life. As far as I was concerned, I was already living in freedom–sexual freedom–and on my own terms.

Even as a husband and father living a double-life, I was convinced I was winning and didn’t need the services of a savior. After all, I reasoned, Jesus played His part in my life long ago, giving me eternal salvation when I trusted him with my life and invited Him into my heart.

Trouble in Paradise

The wheels started coming off of the cart for me in the early 90’s when the tech company I worked for introduced us to the internet. Not long after that, I discovered Internet Porn 1.0 and my carefully orchestrated life started to come undone.

This very adult version of a “shiny new object” was just too hard for me to resist. So, I didn’t. I surrendered my life to it and let it take me wherever the wind blew. Voyeurism. Exhibitionism. Group sex. Every category imaginable, and many I couldn’t even imagine, right there at my fingertips.

That’s when the real problems started to surface. Withdrawal and isolation from my family and friends. Declining performance at work. Obsessive, compulsive pursuit of all things sexual. Before I knew it, I lost my freedom and became an addict.

Pretty soon, just looking at porn didn’t do it for me like it once did. The edge was gone. I needed more. So, I started pursuing porn with skin on, and before I knew it, I got myself involved in an extramarital affair.

Hitting Rock Bottom

It wasn’t until two years after I lost my family and marriage of 15 years, most of my close friends, and even my job, that I finally hit rock bottom.

I felt hopeless and depressed and had been having suicidal thoughts when I took it one step further and started planning out the act that would end my pain forever, or so I thought.

As I started thinking about what to write on a suicide note to my boys, I collapsed in the middle of my apartment’s living room, overcome with grief and fear and shock and shame all at once.

That’s when I cried out “God, help me!” And much to my surprise, God answered me. Not in an audible voice per se, but with words He imprinted on my heart:

“Michael, I’m right here. I never left you. You left me.”

6 Steps I Took on the Way to Lasting Freedom

From that point forward, I started pursuing freedom from my unwanted sexual behaviors by surrendering my entire life to God. No more secrets, no more lies.

Some of the key steps I took at this point in my journey included:

• Seeking help from a licensed Christian counselor who was trained as a sex addiction specialist and was also a recovering sex addict himself
• Meeting weekly with a sexual addiction recovery group who used recovery curriculum
• Attending a local church service every Sunday (I had stopped going years earlier)
• Reading and studying the Bible regularly
• Praying and pursuing a connection with God every day
• Finally, I started using Covenant Eyes and recruited several people to be allies in my recovery

Ever since I started taking my recovery seriously (I spent two years “faking” my recovery and it cost me my marriage and family, and almost my life), my life and my relationships started to improve.

Over time, others close to me–including my ex-wife and two boys–began noticing and commenting on how much I’d changed for the better. Of course, I never took credit for that, and still don’t. The credit and all of the glory deservedly go to God.
He’s the one who led me to freedom, usually through the work of other leaders and mentors He brought into my life at different critical times. And He’s still at work sifting me and refining me into the likeness and character of Christ.

I married a wonderful woman named Christine. This December, we will be celebrating our 12th year of marriage. We serve together in BraveHearts, where I’m in my 18th year of full-time ministry leading people to freedom in Christ from habitual sexual sin. Together, we’re living a redemptive life and love teaching others how to use their redemption story for God’s glory.

7 Key Lessons I Learned on the Road from Recovery to Redemption

I’ve been on this journey from recovery to living a redemptive life for 22 years now. Here are some of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about living in freedom and leading others:

• Only the Truth (found in the person of Jesus Christ) can make you free.
• Most people don’t want to face the truth about themselves. It requires courage and humility. For that reason, don’t be surprised when you face opposition from some friends and family.
• You can’t lead others to freedom if you’re not free yourself. This is why former sex addicts and partners who’ve experienced significant recovery and healing make great mentors. It’s also why most peer-based accountability and support groups remain stuck.
• Freedom is never free, doesn’t come easily, and requires hard work to maintain.
• The journey to freedom requires motivation, endurance, and self-discipline. It also requires patience and commitment. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
• The journey to freedom also requires resilience and a willingness to change and adjust course when necessary. The pathway is dynamic and can change at any time.
• The journey to freedom is a team sport. It’s never wise to try to go it alone. At the very least, you will need an experienced guide to lead the way (mentor). Peer-level support helps, too.

About the author…Michael Leahy is the Executive Director of BraveHearts, a ministry providing mentoring-centric solutions for men who struggle with habitual sexual sin. He’s the author of five books, including Porn Nation: Conquering America’s #1 Addiction, and is considered a subject matter expert on sexual addiction and recovery. A father of two grown boys and a new grandfather, Michael and his wife, Christine, live in Gainesville, GA. This article was originally posted on CoventantEyes.

TheHopeLine's partner, XXXChurch, has an online community and resources to prevail over sex and porn addiction through awareness, prevention, and recovery.

If you are a victim of abuse, it can be painful to come to grips with the truth, especially if you have been abused by someone in your family, or someone you’re in a romantic relationship with.

This person cares about you, and you about them. But something has broken, and you’ve been hurt. I understand the question: Can abusers change? The answer is complicated.

Here’s what I’ve learned after many years of talking to people in abuse recovery on my radio show. It’s important to look at the whole picture when it comes to abusers changing behavior. Above all, it’s important to prioritize your safety and wellbeing so you avoid repeating the cycle of abuse.

Anyone Can Change

It is true that anyone can change. I’m a firm believer that people can be redeemed, and that people can be forgiven. I believe that God is the only one who knows what is really in our hearts, and He is the only one who can help us overcome the most painful struggles of our lives.

I believe that God loves everyone, no matter what troubles are in their relationships. But I also know He cares about people who are in pain, and that godly love is not a love that is rooted in fear.

In short, I do think abusers can change. But I am convinced they must take responsibility for their actions and change their patterns of behavior. And they are the only ones who can make those critical decisions

Change Likely Takes Decades

It takes many years to form abusive patterns. They are similar to addictive behaviors in that the abuser has to engage in their own “recovery journey” to correct the harmful thought and behavior patterns that lead to abuse and control.

This is what life in recovery looks like for an abusive person, according to author Lundy Bancroft, who has written extensively on abuse and healing after abuse:

• Full admission of what they have done
• No more excuses/blaming
• Accepting responsibility
• Recognizing that abuse is a choice
• Identifying their patterns of controlling behavior
• Identifying their attitudes that drive their abuse
• Making amends for past wrongs
• Not demanding credit for improvement
• Not using improvements as a reason to minimize abuse (ex. “That wasn’t such a big deal, and besides, it was a long time ago”)
• Developing kind, caring behaviors
• Sharing power and responsibility in your life together
• Changing their responses to your emotions, especially when you’re angry or upset
• Changing how they act during a conflict

Source: National Domestic Violence Hotline resources

An abusive person who is engaged in their recovery has accepted that the process may take years, or even decades, before non-abusive patterns become their habit. Their change is not your responsibility, it is not within your control, and it could be very frustrating or upsetting to watch someone struggle to change unless you maintain distance from them and define strong boundaries in your relationship.

Your Healing Comes First

The bottom line is, both you and your abuser have healing work to do, and the only healing you can take charge of is your own. Making your safety and well-being a priority is key. Your support system, whether it’s an organization that provides resources for abuse support, a therapist or a faith leader, will understand the particulars of your situation and your relationships. They can help you navigate some of the difficult decisions that come with creating space for you and the person who abused you to heal and recover.

If you don’t know where to begin, we can help. Talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine to find support resources, get encouragement, and help plan for your next steps. We believe in you, and you don’t have to face this journey alone.

If your friend or loved one has been abused, it can feel impossible to know how to help. Here are tips and resources to help a friend escape abuse.

Scott's Story

I just turned 16. About a year ago, I almost took my own life. This is my story.

Started Smoking Marijuana at 8 Years Old

I started smoking marijuana when I was 8. My grandpa used it for medical reasons, so I saw him smoking it all the time. If he ever left any pot out, I’d snag it and go out and smoke it by myself.

We moved to Michigan when I was around 12, and it’s tough moving to a new place at that age. Even after a year, I only had two friends. So, I smoked weed more often. That’s how I coped. One day, my friends followed me into the woods and caught me in the act; they didn’t talk to me for about a year and a half after that. So much for having two friends. Now I had none.

So, I got really depressed. Not having anyone to talk to will do that to you. I started smoking up hardcore, and then I realized I was broke and I needed a way to get more of it. So, I started dealing. I got really good at it, too, and I made a lot of money. My life was even threatened several times by some of the people I was involved with. And my parents had no idea.

Throughout that whole time, I was really, really down. I felt like no one really understood me. The weed was the only thing that got me out of my head a bit and made me happy. Sometimes, when I got really depressed, I would play Russian Roulette: I would load one bullet into a gun and pull the trigger while pointing it at my head.

Then one night, January 3, 2015, I got a lot of pot. There was probably $200 worth spread out on my desk in my bedroom. I had decided I was either going to kill myself that night or smoke all the weed I had. I had a knife out; my plan was to cut my wrists. But I was playing my music too loud, so my mom came in. She took in the whole scene and freaked out. She thought the marijuana was all my grandpa’s. She got my dad, who came in, and he started freaking out, too.

I had decided I was either going to kill myself that night or smoke all the weed I had.

My dad and I were having issues at the time, so him being there made the whole situation even worse. He threatened to call my grandpa, which was most likely going to get my grandpa in trouble. I was still holding the knife, so I pointed it towards my dad. I don’t remember how my mom got the knife out of my hands, but she did. That night was a turning point in my life. It really scared me.

So after that, I started getting help to deal with my depression. I went on anti-depressants and started seeing a counselor. I haven’t smoked pot since that night in January, which has definitely helped things. Even though I still have anger issues, I’m able to deal with my emotions through Tae-kwon-do. And I’ve made a lot more friends.

Maybe you can relate to feeling totally alone and completely misunderstood. Maybe you’re even contemplating taking your own life. It really helps to talk about what you’re going through. Chat with a HopeCoach to talk about what is going on in your life. Because you’re not alone in this.

Used with permission of Power to Change. Originally published at issuesiface.com.

Life can be hard, and hope can be hard to find. If you have ever wondered, "How Can I Find Hope to Keep Going", this is must-read.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. For a list of crisis centers around the world and additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

One of the best ways to let the urge to cut pass is by distracting yourself with someone or something else. This will allow the moment to pass when you’re feeling the deep cravings to self-injure and get your mind off of it. It’s impossible for your mind to think about two things at the exact same time. Here are some ideas on how to do this.

Practical Ways to Resist the Urge to Cut or Self-Harm

If you cut or self-injure to express pain or intense emotion:

1. Try painting or drawing.

2. Keep a journal to write about your thoughts and feelings.

3. Write a poem or song.

If you cut or self-harm to calm/soothe yourself:

4. Take a hot bath or shower.

5. Listen to calming music.

6. Spend time playing with a pet.

7. Wrap yourself in a warm blanket.

If you cut or self-harm because you feel disconnected and numb:

8. Call a friend to talk.

9. Get some friends together and do something fun.

10. Take a cold shower.

11. Chat Live with a HopeCoach

If you cut or self-harm to release tension/vent anger:

12. Exercise.

13. Squeeze a stress ball or squish Play-Doh.

14. Rip something up, like a magazine.

15. Make some noise by playing an instrument.

If you or a loved one are struggling with self-harm, please check out our partner, Door of Hope.  Their crisis care advocates provide free texting, email and phone conversations.